I may be agoraphobic but I do have to go to the Laundromat if I want clean clothes, vital. I am subject to skin irritation, cursed with dry, sensitive skin like a girl's skin.
I don't know, but what I do know, not washing, wearing dirty clothes, I will get skin irritation. You try scratching your itchy private area in a polite setting. You can't and not seem like a base slob.
The Laundromat I used for many years closed last summer. I imagine the city made it close because it was next door to the LCSO and the county jail.
I am from a small town and things are set out neatly. I don't like going to the larger next town but I had to because it was late and the new laundry in my hometown closes at 10 pm. Much of the town does too.
So I went to the next town and the laundry there isn't so bad. It has TV's to watch and a good change machine. I used to have to get change at the car wash up the road from the old laundry I used.
So I did my laundry, read the most recent issue of 'Archaeology' as I did so. I save it for that, actually.
When I was done, I was leaving.
This woman came to me. She was about a few inches shorter than me with dark hair. A lined face. She was skittish and quiet. I forget her name, much to my chagrin.
She claimed that she and her family went to the big hospital in a town 70 miles from here. They were coming back and ran out of gas, getting stranded in the that town.
She wanted a ride to the grocery store. I was going there anyway so I agreed to help her.
I do hope, if her story was true, she got home okay. But some things make me wonder, was it true?
I do not have people skills. Well, I do, from my time in retail but I am uncomfortable among other people.
I did not look at her and we did not talk much. I am wondering, was it the Christian thing to do? I believe it was. I helped her and even if her story wasn't true, I did help her out some.
I don't go anywhere much at all. Going to the laundry is one of the only very few times that I go anywhere during the month. I try to time it to when my SSI comes every month.
I will only go to the laundry in my hometown from now on. I don't want panic-bait to happen like that again. I was panicked. After going to the store, I drove fast home, panic-driven.
I need to get new laundry soap anyway. Ran out. I used ALL 'Sensitive'. I have always used ALL. Always will.
I think it is funny if people saw my MeUndies. I may bring my laptop next time so I can write. I seem to write better when focused like I can be waiting for my clothes to wash and dry.
Quarters, freaking quarters. A pocket full of them is like a deadweight in your pants.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Holiday (Not For Me)
The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.
You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.
I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.
The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.
It is also the shortest day of the year.
I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.
Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.
I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.
I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.
This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.
I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.
The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.
I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.
You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?
You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.
I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.
The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.
It is also the shortest day of the year.
I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.
Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.
I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.
I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.
This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.
I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.
The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.
I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.
You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?
Possible Cause
I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.
I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.
I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.
I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.
I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.
That could be why I feel so bad.
The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.
Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.
I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.
I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.
I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.
I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.
That could be why I feel so bad.
The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.
Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Male Pain
I have been hurting a lot today. I had a urinary issue when I woke up and gosh, talk about hurt, it was intense.
What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?
No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.
I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.
My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.
The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.
This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.
I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.
I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.
Really, think what?
I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.
What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?
No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.
I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.
My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.
The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.
This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.
I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.
I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.
Really, think what?
I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Tuesday Again
You ought to know by now that I shave on Tuesdays. I hate shaving, it hurts. I would try electric but it doesn't do such a good job. I was unable to get a new razor.
When I go to the store for the 1 time of the month, it is at night and the stupid wm associates working get in the way. When I worked at wm, you had to move or else. I guess they weren't told that.
I can't use the Bodygroom in the daytime, privacy issues. I am naked for my body shave, usually right before a shower. So, I will tonight.
I will post my pelvic shave check picture later if you want.
Instead, this is about my poor face. I cut my chin but it will be all right, that fucking razor slipped in my hand. It won't leave a blemish.
I will get a better razor and maybe change how I shave. I don't know, no one told me.
When I go to the store for the 1 time of the month, it is at night and the stupid wm associates working get in the way. When I worked at wm, you had to move or else. I guess they weren't told that.
I can't use the Bodygroom in the daytime, privacy issues. I am naked for my body shave, usually right before a shower. So, I will tonight.
I will post my pelvic shave check picture later if you want.
Instead, this is about my poor face. I cut my chin but it will be all right, that fucking razor slipped in my hand. It won't leave a blemish.
I will get a better razor and maybe change how I shave. I don't know, no one told me.
Amusement
This most recent thing about the drama with my cousins has provoked my odd sense of humor. Fuck them if they don't want to talk to me any more.
I say Really, think what?
People I don't know in person, they would be amongst them are like flat characters in a story. Background. None of them even bothered to call or text me during the last 15 years of unemployment and that hell time that was my time at wm.
I did not always have anxiety disorder. It developed in that hell time.
Things that provoke it, I can avoid. But what does it matter, really?
In the grand scheme of things, this all will be forgotten one day. Just as people who lived during the early 1900s are being forgotten.
I may fear my elder life but really, what is the sense in worrying about it? I will age, can't stop it. Entropy is the way of things.
I will be amused and say really, think what?
Because what you think.... does it really matter?
Arthelius the Ghost and Marraka have returned from M83 with some cool pictures but the radiation there melted their camera. See, if they thought, what? They would have brought one that is shielded from that. Typical.
I say Really, think what?
People I don't know in person, they would be amongst them are like flat characters in a story. Background. None of them even bothered to call or text me during the last 15 years of unemployment and that hell time that was my time at wm.
I did not always have anxiety disorder. It developed in that hell time.
Things that provoke it, I can avoid. But what does it matter, really?
In the grand scheme of things, this all will be forgotten one day. Just as people who lived during the early 1900s are being forgotten.
I may fear my elder life but really, what is the sense in worrying about it? I will age, can't stop it. Entropy is the way of things.
I will be amused and say really, think what?
Because what you think.... does it really matter?
Arthelius the Ghost and Marraka have returned from M83 with some cool pictures but the radiation there melted their camera. See, if they thought, what? They would have brought one that is shielded from that. Typical.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Really
People are insensitive and cruel. And you wonder why I have agoraphobia....
I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.
All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.
Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.
Especially a female.
There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.
Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.
KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.
Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.
Ar-Ghost.
I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.
All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.
Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.
Especially a female.
There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.
Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.
KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.
Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.
Ar-Ghost.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Contribution
As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.
I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.
I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.
It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.
Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.
Something had to come before.
Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.
Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.
I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.
This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.
I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.
No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.
She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.
Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.
I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.
I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.
I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.
Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.
I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.
That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.
If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.
If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.
Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.
$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.
I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.
If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.
Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.
I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.
I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.
It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.
Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.
Something had to come before.
Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.
Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.
I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.
This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.
I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.
No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.
She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.
Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.
I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.
I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.
I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.
Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.
I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.
That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.
If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.
If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.
Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.
$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.
I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.
If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.
Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.
Good
I used to bring my lunch occasionally to wm. Towards the end of my time there, I went to the McDonald's inside the store for a chicken sandwich. I alternated because the same-old gets old.
I developed a liking for swiss cheese then. I don't recall really having it before then, never thought about it.
It really began one day at Subway when I ordered ham and swiss. I liked the swiss cheese and have tried to get it ever since.
I primarily shop at wm because it is in the night after my benefit comes and when you look at swiss cheese there, it comes in these huge slices in long packages with only 10 or so slices in them.
I do not like that.
What I like is the swiss cheese packages like American cheese is packaged. This is a store-specific item in a store called HEB, which is primarily a Texas store.
It never bothered me too much to go to a specific place for a specific item. I mean, when I was at wm, I got my lunch items at HEB because they were better and their version of lemon-lime soda 'Twist' is my favorite lemon-lime soda.
I like Sprite but it costs too much. I can't really drink cola anymore, it will make me hurt. I used to only drink Sprite when it was really hot outside. Now it is pretty much the only soda I can tolerate.
Not that I drink much soda. Not like I used to. It isn't good for you, I know. I drink one when I first get up and eat my granola bar. Not much of a breakfast but it's okay for me. At least I am eating something.
I am particular in what I like in food. It isn't complicated or hard. I mean, I like Hormel Chili with beans a lot but it's not an everyday thing. I don't like any other chili.
I feel better. I mean, I will always have anxiety but I won't let it beat me.
Eating better means feeling better, count on that.
I developed a liking for swiss cheese then. I don't recall really having it before then, never thought about it.
It really began one day at Subway when I ordered ham and swiss. I liked the swiss cheese and have tried to get it ever since.
I primarily shop at wm because it is in the night after my benefit comes and when you look at swiss cheese there, it comes in these huge slices in long packages with only 10 or so slices in them.
I do not like that.
What I like is the swiss cheese packages like American cheese is packaged. This is a store-specific item in a store called HEB, which is primarily a Texas store.
It never bothered me too much to go to a specific place for a specific item. I mean, when I was at wm, I got my lunch items at HEB because they were better and their version of lemon-lime soda 'Twist' is my favorite lemon-lime soda.
I like Sprite but it costs too much. I can't really drink cola anymore, it will make me hurt. I used to only drink Sprite when it was really hot outside. Now it is pretty much the only soda I can tolerate.
Not that I drink much soda. Not like I used to. It isn't good for you, I know. I drink one when I first get up and eat my granola bar. Not much of a breakfast but it's okay for me. At least I am eating something.
I am particular in what I like in food. It isn't complicated or hard. I mean, I like Hormel Chili with beans a lot but it's not an everyday thing. I don't like any other chili.
I feel better. I mean, I will always have anxiety but I won't let it beat me.
Eating better means feeling better, count on that.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Super Typhoon Hagupit
I don't like storms that hurt people.
I like Filipino people, my first gf was Filipina. I don't want anyone to get hurt by this cyclone but it always happens. I can't say what life's like there. Never been there.
This storm will pass over the islands and continue on to northern Indochina or even China, weakening before it hits as it encounters shear.
I will hope no one is killed by this storm. It is late in the year to feature a storm like this but the weather never stops.
Feelings
I have moments when the shame and depression get to me. I do not talk about certain things because someone might get upset and think it is a suicide plea.
I have a belief that things will make sense one day.
I have a desire to love again.
I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.
I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.
I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.
I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.
I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?
I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.
The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.
I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.
I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.
You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.
I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.
I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.
I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.
My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.
If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.
I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.
I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.
This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.
I have a belief that things will make sense one day.
I have a desire to love again.
I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.
I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.
I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.
I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.
I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?
I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.
The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.
I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.
I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.
You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.
I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.
I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.
I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.
My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.
If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.
I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.
I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.
This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.
Anxiety Error
Maybe I said something on fb I shouldn't have. I was upset, happens often here. I was working on my old pc and not connected and my cousins panicked. They never answered anything before.
Why am I Ar-Ghost? I am a ghost, I go somewhere rarely and I stay in here all the time. I can't enjoy my music and I had a story to write but can't when I am upset.
I stood out in the rain for 2 hours. I just felt.... the 2nd time in my life the LCSO has come out here to check on me. Having a deputy tell me that I need to go to people who did not help me before.
It is my fault, the causality lies with me. I will not make any further errors. I will be right here and wait for my purchases to come.
I want to not feel stress or anxiety for 1 day.
I am not well, I know this. I am sorry to have worried any one.
And yes, to repeat, my MeUndies subscription was canceled in October. I did order some new ones for the first time since August. But only what I asked for to begin with.
I am not going to stop doing the things that help me manage my daily anxiety.
I am sorry to be trouble to anyone.
Why am I Ar-Ghost? I am a ghost, I go somewhere rarely and I stay in here all the time. I can't enjoy my music and I had a story to write but can't when I am upset.
I stood out in the rain for 2 hours. I just felt.... the 2nd time in my life the LCSO has come out here to check on me. Having a deputy tell me that I need to go to people who did not help me before.
It is my fault, the causality lies with me. I will not make any further errors. I will be right here and wait for my purchases to come.
I want to not feel stress or anxiety for 1 day.
I am not well, I know this. I am sorry to have worried any one.
And yes, to repeat, my MeUndies subscription was canceled in October. I did order some new ones for the first time since August. But only what I asked for to begin with.
I am not going to stop doing the things that help me manage my daily anxiety.
I am sorry to be trouble to anyone.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Hurting More
I don't know what it is. I have been eating as I should instead of once a day and started eating wheat bread again because I am not getting enough fiber, evident when I go to the bathroom.
I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.
But I was hurting before that.
I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.
Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?
I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.
What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.
Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?
I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.
I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.
I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.
But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.
Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.
I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.
I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.
But I was hurting before that.
I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.
Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?
I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.
What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.
Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?
I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.
I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.
I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.
But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.
Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.
I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Not This Time
I took a shave check picture like I do after every shave but I did not like it. Looked too disheveled. I am conscious that my hair is messy in some of the pictures, more so in this one but that isn't the focus of the picture.
I could post my pelvic shave check picture if you were interested. I lost the cord to my bodygroom razor's charger. I have a tangle of wires here and it probably is among them. I will need to find it or else. The razor's battery is low.
I don't want to get shaving and it die on me. That happened when I first started using bodygroom razors 5 years ago.
Body hair is easy to shave, pubic, not so much. Have to be careful.
Far and away, the part I hate to shave most is my face. It hurts and maybe it is the wet shave. It was cold and sitting by the heater dries my skin out. Moisture was restored by Aveeno and Dove. I use Dove on my face only but I just got a new Cetaphil bar so I will be using that until it is worn away.
I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will try to take a better one next week.
I could post my pelvic shave check picture if you were interested. I lost the cord to my bodygroom razor's charger. I have a tangle of wires here and it probably is among them. I will need to find it or else. The razor's battery is low.
I don't want to get shaving and it die on me. That happened when I first started using bodygroom razors 5 years ago.
Body hair is easy to shave, pubic, not so much. Have to be careful.
Far and away, the part I hate to shave most is my face. It hurts and maybe it is the wet shave. It was cold and sitting by the heater dries my skin out. Moisture was restored by Aveeno and Dove. I use Dove on my face only but I just got a new Cetaphil bar so I will be using that until it is worn away.
I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will try to take a better one next week.
Friday, November 28, 2014
Anxiety Says
What do I think I when I see on tv, the people fighting over a new tv or other crap on sale? I worked in walmart for exactly 4 years and 1 day and I saw this so-called 'Black Friday' effect in action.
Like animals, the herd moves forward, crushing others and everything else in the way just to get a new tv or some other thing they could afford to get if they just were smart about their budget.
I am deeply distrustful of item on sale with discounts exceeding 50%. My many years in retail tell me that such discounts only mean that the store wants to get rid of it.
Why? Overstock? A glut of cheap Chinese-made crap? What is the targeted group for what is on sale? A new tv? What's wrong with yours?
I needed a new tv last year, mine finally perished with age and use. I went out and got an led hdtv for about $160. And this was in April, not in November. I budgeted for a new tv.
Selling them at huge discounts should be taken as something to be considerate of. It isn't going to be a top of the line Sony or Samsung tv.
I am not saying stuff on sale is bad. That is always a good thing but why are these stores so dependent on one day to have such a sale?
I would not dare to enter the herd frenzy to buy anything. Not that I have any money this time of the month but provoking my anxiety disorder for 'on sale' items is not worth it.
I order online so I don't have to go to the store. I feel panic in a store, I actually peed on myself when in walmart last. Didn't realize it until I got in the truck.
I have the prostate thing, yes, but how much of this was anxiety? It is the stress of anxiety disorder that damaged my prostate.
I can't go anywhere, do what I want. Even when I have money, I can go to my hometown where anxiety isn't so bad. But I am from a small town (less than 7k people, less so when I was a kid) and it is familiar.
Some things have changed but overall, it's not bad.
Peeing on myself happens when I have retention, I am panicked, or when I really have to go. I can't hold it very long but I usually don't let that happen. I pee much too often.
I remember a teacher when I was in high school who had that happen to him. Everyone made fun of him but I have empathy and always have. I wanted to know why that happened. Now I know.
I won't consciously soil myself. I don't like to be dirty, ever.
Going to the store is the hardest thing I do on a frequent basis, like every month. I try not to let my anxiety show. I have lived with it for many years now.
Getting trampled for something on sale....
I just don't understand it. I hope these holiday sales are abysmal and teach these stores a lesson.
Unchecked greed has consequences.
Like animals, the herd moves forward, crushing others and everything else in the way just to get a new tv or some other thing they could afford to get if they just were smart about their budget.
I am deeply distrustful of item on sale with discounts exceeding 50%. My many years in retail tell me that such discounts only mean that the store wants to get rid of it.
Why? Overstock? A glut of cheap Chinese-made crap? What is the targeted group for what is on sale? A new tv? What's wrong with yours?
I needed a new tv last year, mine finally perished with age and use. I went out and got an led hdtv for about $160. And this was in April, not in November. I budgeted for a new tv.
Selling them at huge discounts should be taken as something to be considerate of. It isn't going to be a top of the line Sony or Samsung tv.
I am not saying stuff on sale is bad. That is always a good thing but why are these stores so dependent on one day to have such a sale?
I would not dare to enter the herd frenzy to buy anything. Not that I have any money this time of the month but provoking my anxiety disorder for 'on sale' items is not worth it.
I order online so I don't have to go to the store. I feel panic in a store, I actually peed on myself when in walmart last. Didn't realize it until I got in the truck.
I have the prostate thing, yes, but how much of this was anxiety? It is the stress of anxiety disorder that damaged my prostate.
I can't go anywhere, do what I want. Even when I have money, I can go to my hometown where anxiety isn't so bad. But I am from a small town (less than 7k people, less so when I was a kid) and it is familiar.
Some things have changed but overall, it's not bad.
Peeing on myself happens when I have retention, I am panicked, or when I really have to go. I can't hold it very long but I usually don't let that happen. I pee much too often.
I remember a teacher when I was in high school who had that happen to him. Everyone made fun of him but I have empathy and always have. I wanted to know why that happened. Now I know.
I won't consciously soil myself. I don't like to be dirty, ever.
Going to the store is the hardest thing I do on a frequent basis, like every month. I try not to let my anxiety show. I have lived with it for many years now.
Getting trampled for something on sale....
I just don't understand it. I hope these holiday sales are abysmal and teach these stores a lesson.
Unchecked greed has consequences.
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Thanksgiving
Flashback to the mid 80s when I was in elementary school. Thanksgiving was a fun time of parties, certain foods, being thankful for what you had. Friends and family.
What happened to that? 'Black Friday'. Greedy stores open on what should be a holiday of friends and family expressing thanks for what they have.
I am thankful that my anxiety disorder hasn't killed me yet. I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for my music and the ability to write.
But I do not recognize the commercialization of this family holiday that is more about football, food, and seeing people you haven't in a while.
What will I do today? The same thing I do every day. I attempt to write, listen to music, play FFIX if I maintain an interest, it does bore sometimes.
I only recognize the meaning of this day, not the crass rotten capitalist greed that these stores make it out to be. I will not be feeding the greed. Not that I have money at this time of the month. When I do have money, nothing will be on sale! Typical.
If I could flashback to the mid 80s, I would. No web, no Ar-Ghost, nothing but love.
What happened to that? 'Black Friday'. Greedy stores open on what should be a holiday of friends and family expressing thanks for what they have.
I am thankful that my anxiety disorder hasn't killed me yet. I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for my music and the ability to write.
But I do not recognize the commercialization of this family holiday that is more about football, food, and seeing people you haven't in a while.
What will I do today? The same thing I do every day. I attempt to write, listen to music, play FFIX if I maintain an interest, it does bore sometimes.
I only recognize the meaning of this day, not the crass rotten capitalist greed that these stores make it out to be. I will not be feeding the greed. Not that I have money at this time of the month. When I do have money, nothing will be on sale! Typical.
If I could flashback to the mid 80s, I would. No web, no Ar-Ghost, nothing but love.
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Shaving Hurts
I have written a lot about I hate being male. One of the things I hate most is body hair. Androgenic hair. One of the worst places is on the face.
I can shave other parts with my Bodygroom razor which is easier and hurts less. Cannot use it on face nor would I want to.
I use Aveeno products and I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. It may be time for a new one that doesn't hurt so bad.
I shave every Tuesday. The idea is to focus and people to leave me alone. That is true much of the time but especially here.
Why does it hurt? One is dragging sharp pieces of metal across the face. Why would you think it doesn't hurt? I think of girls who shave their armpits, legs, sometimes the private area. Is this not as painful?
Have no way of knowing.
All I know is that as long as I grow androgenic hair, I will shave it off. Maybe in the future, they can depilate hair with light instead of a sharp piece of metal.
Not that I could afford such a thing. Here is my shave check picture...
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Still cute at 39? I hope so.
I can shave other parts with my Bodygroom razor which is easier and hurts less. Cannot use it on face nor would I want to.
I use Aveeno products and I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. It may be time for a new one that doesn't hurt so bad.
I shave every Tuesday. The idea is to focus and people to leave me alone. That is true much of the time but especially here.
Why does it hurt? One is dragging sharp pieces of metal across the face. Why would you think it doesn't hurt? I think of girls who shave their armpits, legs, sometimes the private area. Is this not as painful?
Have no way of knowing.
All I know is that as long as I grow androgenic hair, I will shave it off. Maybe in the future, they can depilate hair with light instead of a sharp piece of metal.
Not that I could afford such a thing. Here is my shave check picture...
Still cute at 39? I hope so.
MeUndies
I have been a subscriber of MeUndies for more than a year. It abruptly ended a few weeks ago when the start-up company changed its subscription plan to ? I still don't know what changed or how much it costs.
Does it still cost $16? I mean, I can get C-IN2 Core Profile briefs (My favorite underwear) for $16 as well.
I want to help small businesses when possible. So what if it is in California and not Texas? If the product is good, keep it going.
I can't describe it better than showing you a picture. It is feeling and I don't want to get too tmi here.
I will stay with MeUndies if it does not price itself out of my budget, which is my fear.
I have black, purple, yellow, patterns, and 'love-me' briefs. I wear the black most often. Depends on color matching in my clothes.
Here is the picture.
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If I lost weight, I know I would look better. I am not fat but this belly.....
Does it still cost $16? I mean, I can get C-IN2 Core Profile briefs (My favorite underwear) for $16 as well.
I want to help small businesses when possible. So what if it is in California and not Texas? If the product is good, keep it going.
I can't describe it better than showing you a picture. It is feeling and I don't want to get too tmi here.
I will stay with MeUndies if it does not price itself out of my budget, which is my fear.
I have black, purple, yellow, patterns, and 'love-me' briefs. I wear the black most often. Depends on color matching in my clothes.
Here is the picture.
If I lost weight, I know I would look better. I am not fat but this belly.....
Feeling
I don't know what you are looking for here. Why read what I post? I reflect on my pain.
I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.
I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.
This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.
I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.
My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.
I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.
Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.
I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.
Ghostlike.
I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.
I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.
This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.
I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.
My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.
I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.
Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.
I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.
Ghostlike.
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
One Away from 40
I am getting older. I made it to 39. I never imagined being this old.
Am I starting to show signs of age? Well, my body problems come from stress and being sedentary. I am relatively healthy but I have teeth problems from the sugar death, and then that constant pain in my uro-g area and the ordeal of peeing.
I have either become sick or my allergies have revved up. I do not feel well at all.
I am trying to write a story. I haven't really written since October.
I hope I can enjoy my cake and I will feel better soon.
I said I would retire this blog but that is a lot of trouble. What do you think?
Am I starting to show signs of age? Well, my body problems come from stress and being sedentary. I am relatively healthy but I have teeth problems from the sugar death, and then that constant pain in my uro-g area and the ordeal of peeing.
I have either become sick or my allergies have revved up. I do not feel well at all.
I am trying to write a story. I haven't really written since October.
I hope I can enjoy my cake and I will feel better soon.
I said I would retire this blog but that is a lot of trouble. What do you think?
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Worry
I am considering retiring this blog. It covers a bad time in my life and things I would like to forget (my time at wm and Jen, especially).
Someone in Russia is spamming my blog. I don't like Russians. They were the bad guys when I was a kid. That hasn't changed, apparently.
I would continue talking about my anxiety, underwear, the weather, astronomy and daily life in a new blog.
My worry is who actually looks at my blog. I don't want to feel anxiety about it. Ruffling my anxiety feathers is not something you need to do, not if you are a decent human being.
I will retire it soon. Whether I stay at Blogger or not, I have not decided.
If you do care, submit a comment. If you don't see the comment blank, click on an archive post and you'll see it.
Arthelius the Ghost is off on holiday with Marraka. They are visiting M83, immune to the radiation there. They won't be back for some time.
Someone in Russia is spamming my blog. I don't like Russians. They were the bad guys when I was a kid. That hasn't changed, apparently.
I would continue talking about my anxiety, underwear, the weather, astronomy and daily life in a new blog.
My worry is who actually looks at my blog. I don't want to feel anxiety about it. Ruffling my anxiety feathers is not something you need to do, not if you are a decent human being.
I will retire it soon. Whether I stay at Blogger or not, I have not decided.
If you do care, submit a comment. If you don't see the comment blank, click on an archive post and you'll see it.
Arthelius the Ghost is off on holiday with Marraka. They are visiting M83, immune to the radiation there. They won't be back for some time.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Effects of the Cold
How does cold affect me?
Understand that I wear sweat pants most of the time. Jeans, especially grind on my male pain. A thin fleece fabric layer doesn't really insulate when it is 31 and the wind is blowing from the north.
I don't know if legs are responsible for the chill I feel. I mean, yes, my male parts retract like any guy's would but that isn't going to make the entire body feel cold.
My hands and feet get numb. It is difficult to type this. It is 40 outside but consider 40ish is what it is in your refrigerator if it is working properly.
I have mentioned a while ago that the floor is damaged in here. Lets the cold through like a ghostly specter, not the good kind.
The heater keeps it at bay but takes a while to warm the whole room and gets up to 73. *scoff
I feel most comfortable when it is in the 80s.
I have been having joint pains in my fingers, shoulders, ankles and knees. The most troublesome hip pain I get sometimes has been calm but I reckon if I got up and did stuff instead of sitting on my bony tail-end, they would hurt, too.
It isn't a pain like old people get. It is a light dusting of pain that doesn't hurt constantly. It just hurts weakly then fades with movement or readjusting.
I did not feel this so much when it was warm. I hope it gets warm again soon but look at the time of year this is. Last January, that water pipe fiasco happened. It was 17 outside at night.
It has not been cold like that and God willing, it won't be. This is Tx, not some northern state used to such weather. We are not.
I hate the cold more than most things. It's down there with mosquitoes and flies, things I hate most.
Understand that I wear sweat pants most of the time. Jeans, especially grind on my male pain. A thin fleece fabric layer doesn't really insulate when it is 31 and the wind is blowing from the north.
I don't know if legs are responsible for the chill I feel. I mean, yes, my male parts retract like any guy's would but that isn't going to make the entire body feel cold.
My hands and feet get numb. It is difficult to type this. It is 40 outside but consider 40ish is what it is in your refrigerator if it is working properly.
I have mentioned a while ago that the floor is damaged in here. Lets the cold through like a ghostly specter, not the good kind.
The heater keeps it at bay but takes a while to warm the whole room and gets up to 73. *scoff
I feel most comfortable when it is in the 80s.
I have been having joint pains in my fingers, shoulders, ankles and knees. The most troublesome hip pain I get sometimes has been calm but I reckon if I got up and did stuff instead of sitting on my bony tail-end, they would hurt, too.
It isn't a pain like old people get. It is a light dusting of pain that doesn't hurt constantly. It just hurts weakly then fades with movement or readjusting.
I did not feel this so much when it was warm. I hope it gets warm again soon but look at the time of year this is. Last January, that water pipe fiasco happened. It was 17 outside at night.
It has not been cold like that and God willing, it won't be. This is Tx, not some northern state used to such weather. We are not.
I hate the cold more than most things. It's down there with mosquitoes and flies, things I hate most.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Cold, but....
This cold, I hate it. My hands are frozen, it seems. I hold them in front of the heater and dry my skin out. It is Tuesday. That means I shave. I did and was careful. I have a few blemishes but it will heal.
I always look better the next day. I smile because over my life, it has been ingrained to smile when your picture is taken. Even my un-cute DL picture.
I got some shaving cream on my glasses. I think I got it all. I can't see without them.
Before all this, I washed my face with Cetaphil. That helps when skin is dry enough to flake off, a problem I had when I worked at wm.
Cetaphil costs a lot of money so I will conserve it until I can get some more.
I use Dove Sensitive on my face during the winter time. Make fun if you must but unless you are cursed with dry skin, you wouldn't know what helps.
It was cold but I did it. Here is my Shave Check picture.
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I always look better the next day. I smile because over my life, it has been ingrained to smile when your picture is taken. Even my un-cute DL picture.
I got some shaving cream on my glasses. I think I got it all. I can't see without them.
Before all this, I washed my face with Cetaphil. That helps when skin is dry enough to flake off, a problem I had when I worked at wm.
Cetaphil costs a lot of money so I will conserve it until I can get some more.
I use Dove Sensitive on my face during the winter time. Make fun if you must but unless you are cursed with dry skin, you wouldn't know what helps.
It was cold but I did it. Here is my Shave Check picture.
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Unwelcome Cold
That fucking tropical storm, I forgot to look for a picture of it. I think it was called 'Nuri' or something like it.
It distorted the jet stream and let loose the bitter cold of the polar airmass flow down into the middle of North America weeks too early.
We were not spared. Where it was 80 yesterday, it is 48 as I write this in the afternoon.
That is the thing about tropical storms, they affect everything.
Hurricane Season ends at the end of the month. It is still likely, well, if environment is conducive for it.
I will be cold for a while. I have turned on my heater for the first time since last April.
I have to shave later, smh. Can't let it go on too long, becomes hard to shave it. I will man up and do it.
Too bad I can't post a picture of my peena when I am cold. I think it is funny as it retracts like that. Okay, no more goofiness.
I'm cold!
It distorted the jet stream and let loose the bitter cold of the polar airmass flow down into the middle of North America weeks too early.
We were not spared. Where it was 80 yesterday, it is 48 as I write this in the afternoon.
That is the thing about tropical storms, they affect everything.
Hurricane Season ends at the end of the month. It is still likely, well, if environment is conducive for it.
I will be cold for a while. I have turned on my heater for the first time since last April.
I have to shave later, smh. Can't let it go on too long, becomes hard to shave it. I will man up and do it.
Too bad I can't post a picture of my peena when I am cold. I think it is funny as it retracts like that. Okay, no more goofiness.
I'm cold!
Monday, November 10, 2014
A Genuine Fear
My cousin says it is not bad if I remain single and have no children in my life. I am sure she is not the only one with this opinion.
However, is this why I have a benefit for my anxiety? That I can't have a normal life because of it? I can't. I told you about attention. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.
I do not like using a phone. I have a LG Neon, a phone made to text, not a smartphone with a bunch of stupid applications. I would rather text, I can say it in writing better.
I don't know. I fear that it will end without anything. I don't know if I could have children.
This is not just because of anxiety. I could, after some familiarity, be with a female. Or through anti-anxiety med, it is possible but that has side-effects, especially in the sex department.
My prostate gland is stress damaged. My parts still work but the pain is ever-present. I do not know if my seminal fluid is viable. Why wouldn't it be? I don't recall it ever being tested. If I ever return to urology, I will ask.
I worry that I will be alone in my elder life. I will have the internet, whatever form it takes then, but that isn't the same.
What is the point in having an elder life if one did not contribute? That is my fear.
I have a hope that I will meet a new girlfriend some time. It is just that, I wouldn't come out of my shell for just anyone.
I don't want to be alone in my elder life.
However, is this why I have a benefit for my anxiety? That I can't have a normal life because of it? I can't. I told you about attention. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.
I do not like using a phone. I have a LG Neon, a phone made to text, not a smartphone with a bunch of stupid applications. I would rather text, I can say it in writing better.
I don't know. I fear that it will end without anything. I don't know if I could have children.
This is not just because of anxiety. I could, after some familiarity, be with a female. Or through anti-anxiety med, it is possible but that has side-effects, especially in the sex department.
My prostate gland is stress damaged. My parts still work but the pain is ever-present. I do not know if my seminal fluid is viable. Why wouldn't it be? I don't recall it ever being tested. If I ever return to urology, I will ask.
I worry that I will be alone in my elder life. I will have the internet, whatever form it takes then, but that isn't the same.
What is the point in having an elder life if one did not contribute? That is my fear.
I have a hope that I will meet a new girlfriend some time. It is just that, I wouldn't come out of my shell for just anyone.
I don't want to be alone in my elder life.
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Ugly?
I have often wondered why no girls seem interested in me. I don't mean if we didn't have daily contact like at work (how I met Jen and Malee). I mean going somewhere, like to the store. I feel smaller than I am, inconsequential. This is my anxiety disorder distorting my self-image.
I am 64.7 inches tall. I weigh about 156 lbs. Yes, I could slim down a bit but I am almost 40 so what's the point?
I feel ugly. I don't like attention. I feel uncomfortable when someone looks at me. It makes it uncomfortable to talk to people.
Girls, their attention is the worst. I find myself avoiding them if possible. This is contrary to what I want. How can I meet a new girlfriend if this happens?
I find a strong attraction to a girl's eyes. Her face. I don't like every girl like that but there are some that are beautiful. Every girl has a beauty about her, make no mistake, it isn't always physical.
I feel ugly, just small and hideous like a gnome. I don't have warty green skin. I am pale and built like a human male. I used to believe I would change that one day but I saw my pelvis on a CT scan and nope, can't change that and be what I am not.
I would like my parts removed but it will likely never happen. Too much trouble and why get cut on if you can avoid it?
I am posting a picture of me to show maybe I am ugly. I certainly feel that way.
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I am 64.7 inches tall. I weigh about 156 lbs. Yes, I could slim down a bit but I am almost 40 so what's the point?
I feel ugly. I don't like attention. I feel uncomfortable when someone looks at me. It makes it uncomfortable to talk to people.
Girls, their attention is the worst. I find myself avoiding them if possible. This is contrary to what I want. How can I meet a new girlfriend if this happens?
I find a strong attraction to a girl's eyes. Her face. I don't like every girl like that but there are some that are beautiful. Every girl has a beauty about her, make no mistake, it isn't always physical.
I feel ugly, just small and hideous like a gnome. I don't have warty green skin. I am pale and built like a human male. I used to believe I would change that one day but I saw my pelvis on a CT scan and nope, can't change that and be what I am not.
I would like my parts removed but it will likely never happen. Too much trouble and why get cut on if you can avoid it?
I am posting a picture of me to show maybe I am ugly. I certainly feel that way.
Friday, November 7, 2014
Irritated
Why?
Could be you who reads this.
I have not been feeling well. It has to do with the sugar death, bad diet, anxiety. I am having allergy problems. Sneezing hurts, you know.
That power outage really pissed me off. I felt revved up anxiety the whole time. It did not help that it was cold and my laptop's battery was going down quicker than the ones in my power hungry camera.
The sky was partly clear today but I didn't go outside except to feed the dog. I haven't felt sun on my skin in a week. Could this be why I feel bad? Vitamin D and all that? I avoid sunlight, I burn too easy but on a cool or cold day, it isn't so bad, if you are careful.
You can burn just as easy. UV radiation doesn't care what temperature it is. You have seen enough pictures of me, you know how pale I am.
I am not posting this week's shave check picture. I will the next one. I am hoping to see 'Interstellar' after my Tuesday shave if I don't butcher my skin too badly.
It is almost time to shave body but I seem to have misplaced the charger for the Bodygroom razor. I need to find it.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Another year went by and blah... I hope my 38th summer will be what I wanted this last one to be.
My holiday wish? A girlfriend.
Could be you who reads this.
I have not been feeling well. It has to do with the sugar death, bad diet, anxiety. I am having allergy problems. Sneezing hurts, you know.
That power outage really pissed me off. I felt revved up anxiety the whole time. It did not help that it was cold and my laptop's battery was going down quicker than the ones in my power hungry camera.
The sky was partly clear today but I didn't go outside except to feed the dog. I haven't felt sun on my skin in a week. Could this be why I feel bad? Vitamin D and all that? I avoid sunlight, I burn too easy but on a cool or cold day, it isn't so bad, if you are careful.
You can burn just as easy. UV radiation doesn't care what temperature it is. You have seen enough pictures of me, you know how pale I am.
I am not posting this week's shave check picture. I will the next one. I am hoping to see 'Interstellar' after my Tuesday shave if I don't butcher my skin too badly.
It is almost time to shave body but I seem to have misplaced the charger for the Bodygroom razor. I need to find it.
My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Another year went by and blah... I hope my 38th summer will be what I wanted this last one to be.
My holiday wish? A girlfriend.
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Power Outage
The power is out, keeps flickering as if trying to come back on. I am super bored, draining my laptop's battery to write this.
I had a sad day. I took out a lot of garbage, 5 bags full, and then went and got my hair cut. I don't know how good it looks. I washed my hair a bit ago but I can't take a picture because in the dark, the flash reflects off my pasty white skin, overwhelming the optic sensor.
I don't think I look good anyway. I will do it later when I feel up to it. I don't right now.
The power was off between 10:55 pm and 2:23 am, which is the main part of my 'day'. I sat here in the dark, listening to my cd player and all but drained the battery of my laptop.
The power outage also caused a malfunction in my directv box but an automated fix repaired it. Stupid thing's too smart.
I was feeling super bored because I couldn't write. It was the fact that I use this pc to write mainly and without power, it is a lump with peripherals.
After it came back on, I did as I originally planned, started reading 'A Darker Geometry', a story within the 'Man-Kzin Wars, Volume VII' book. I originally read this series like 15 years ago and it is familiar but I have forgotten a lot of things.
I have most of the series, if not all of it. I haven't read the later parts of it, feeling that I should read Volume IX first and I only recently found it.
I like that story and that story 'Cathouse' way back in Volume II.
I haven't been able to go to a bookstore to find a new book that appeals to me. Getting it online is not the same.
Stupid, just stupid. I don't know why the power failed. It has been rainy but not storming. The sky is totally gray and it continues to rain lightly, nothing that would perturb the threadbare power system, surely.
15 years ago, when we first came here, an apparent power failure for no perceptible reason happened in February and killed all the fish in my aquarium. I haven't had one since because of things like what happened.
There is an article in this month's issue of Scientific American about power independence. If only we could do that.
Fat lot of good solar panels would do us on a day like today.
I am sorry if I had done some things with my blog to affect it. I was bored. I will fix it.
I listened to The Sisters of Mercy' during the outage on my cd player. 'Vision Thing' was playing when it came back on, how appropriate.
I will attempt to write a story if this doesn't happen again.
I had a sad day. I took out a lot of garbage, 5 bags full, and then went and got my hair cut. I don't know how good it looks. I washed my hair a bit ago but I can't take a picture because in the dark, the flash reflects off my pasty white skin, overwhelming the optic sensor.
I don't think I look good anyway. I will do it later when I feel up to it. I don't right now.
The power was off between 10:55 pm and 2:23 am, which is the main part of my 'day'. I sat here in the dark, listening to my cd player and all but drained the battery of my laptop.
The power outage also caused a malfunction in my directv box but an automated fix repaired it. Stupid thing's too smart.
I was feeling super bored because I couldn't write. It was the fact that I use this pc to write mainly and without power, it is a lump with peripherals.
After it came back on, I did as I originally planned, started reading 'A Darker Geometry', a story within the 'Man-Kzin Wars, Volume VII' book. I originally read this series like 15 years ago and it is familiar but I have forgotten a lot of things.
I have most of the series, if not all of it. I haven't read the later parts of it, feeling that I should read Volume IX first and I only recently found it.
I like that story and that story 'Cathouse' way back in Volume II.
I haven't been able to go to a bookstore to find a new book that appeals to me. Getting it online is not the same.
Stupid, just stupid. I don't know why the power failed. It has been rainy but not storming. The sky is totally gray and it continues to rain lightly, nothing that would perturb the threadbare power system, surely.
15 years ago, when we first came here, an apparent power failure for no perceptible reason happened in February and killed all the fish in my aquarium. I haven't had one since because of things like what happened.
There is an article in this month's issue of Scientific American about power independence. If only we could do that.
Fat lot of good solar panels would do us on a day like today.
I am sorry if I had done some things with my blog to affect it. I was bored. I will fix it.
I listened to The Sisters of Mercy' during the outage on my cd player. 'Vision Thing' was playing when it came back on, how appropriate.
I will attempt to write a story if this doesn't happen again.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Finally
My laundry is done. I feel a lot better but there is something wrong. I know I shouldn't drink Coca-Cola, something in it irritates my prostate gland, which doesn't need irritation to hurt.
I went without caffeine and sugar for 2 days. I was feeling it badly. So I thought, a 1-liter Coke would help restore what is bad but I need it. I do like Coke but it is bad for me.
I do feel better like that but now I hurt more than normal. It is agony to pee. I need to do the m-thing to clear things like Dr. H said but I can't this time of day.
Have no privacy and really, I am used to doing that at night. Makes a mess, too.
I can talk about this because I am not shy like that.
Not that you need to know that. I will not talk about it.
I will make December better. I will try to get a new phone and some things I couldn't get this month. $345 in wm?! Seriously? I felt anxiety close in like a vise but it was the normal items with holiday items like cake mix and etc...
I cannot sustain this high cost of food. I wish I was really a ghost and wouldn't need any.
Arthelius doesn't have these problems. He has a Wookie girlfriend and a cool spacecraft. What do I have?
Smh....
I went without caffeine and sugar for 2 days. I was feeling it badly. So I thought, a 1-liter Coke would help restore what is bad but I need it. I do like Coke but it is bad for me.
I do feel better like that but now I hurt more than normal. It is agony to pee. I need to do the m-thing to clear things like Dr. H said but I can't this time of day.
Have no privacy and really, I am used to doing that at night. Makes a mess, too.
I can talk about this because I am not shy like that.
Not that you need to know that. I will not talk about it.
I will make December better. I will try to get a new phone and some things I couldn't get this month. $345 in wm?! Seriously? I felt anxiety close in like a vise but it was the normal items with holiday items like cake mix and etc...
I cannot sustain this high cost of food. I wish I was really a ghost and wouldn't need any.
Arthelius doesn't have these problems. He has a Wookie girlfriend and a cool spacecraft. What do I have?
Smh....
Thursday, October 30, 2014
Defense Mechanism
If you know anything about me, I love music. It is part of my life. I could not live without it. My radio is never off, I have 1000s of cd's. Days and days of music in my computer.
I listen to my computer through Skullcandy Hesh II headphones because it was what I could afford. It isn't bad at all, I am content with them.
I had a very dark moment, felt tears but a song played and this song helps so much. I found it on a compilation album in Amazon's digital music thingy.
When it played, I thought, I am here, maybe for a reason. After nearly four decades of life, I have not found it yet.
My interests are varied but heavy in science and history.
I don't know if you would like it but you can hear the song here Let It Be
Don't worry about me. I will be okay. I will get back to normal when I am not hungry and feeling this way.
I listen to my computer through Skullcandy Hesh II headphones because it was what I could afford. It isn't bad at all, I am content with them.
I had a very dark moment, felt tears but a song played and this song helps so much. I found it on a compilation album in Amazon's digital music thingy.
When it played, I thought, I am here, maybe for a reason. After nearly four decades of life, I have not found it yet.
My interests are varied but heavy in science and history.
I don't know if you would like it but you can hear the song here Let It Be
Don't worry about me. I will be okay. I will get back to normal when I am not hungry and feeling this way.
Feeling
I could go out and hang myself right now. I am feeling that way. But I have things I want to do. It is only a few days when I can go to the store and get my hair cut and finally do my laundry.
I hate being male.
I hate other peoples' apathy
I hate physical pain in my pelvic area
I hate breathing
I hate peeing
I hate anxiety I cannot control.
What does this mean? Has it come to the breaking point? Not really. I lack the materials needed to hang myself. I can remedy this in a few days.
I have no children, no love, no family of my own. I turn 40 a year from my b-day this year.
I may not look it but I am older. I feel it. Of course, that can be inactivity. Do you think I am going out into the sunlight to 'exercise'? You must be joking.
Near the beginning of the month, I received the new issue of 'Archaeology'. I said I will read it when I do my laundry. It has rested on that table for almost a whole month, the time in which I have not been able to do my laundry.
If I killed myself, laundry wouldn't matter. Nothing would, hardly a change from what life is like for me now.
I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
I hate being male.
I hate other peoples' apathy
I hate physical pain in my pelvic area
I hate breathing
I hate peeing
I hate anxiety I cannot control.
What does this mean? Has it come to the breaking point? Not really. I lack the materials needed to hang myself. I can remedy this in a few days.
I have no children, no love, no family of my own. I turn 40 a year from my b-day this year.
I may not look it but I am older. I feel it. Of course, that can be inactivity. Do you think I am going out into the sunlight to 'exercise'? You must be joking.
Near the beginning of the month, I received the new issue of 'Archaeology'. I said I will read it when I do my laundry. It has rested on that table for almost a whole month, the time in which I have not been able to do my laundry.
If I killed myself, laundry wouldn't matter. Nothing would, hardly a change from what life is like for me now.
I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Ouch
I shave every Tuesday or so, Hate Sunday next time because I have to go to the store that night.
I was too warm, this summer refuses to let go. Should have been cold by now but nope, I need to wash my warm clothes. Haven't worn them since April.
As yet again, I cannot get a ride to the Laundromat and laundry has become huge so I doubt if I have enough money to do it. I use 2 machines, one for towels and pants and one for everything else.
I use 2 dryers the same way. I may have to use three if it is too huge. I will get a laundry bag for my warm clothes.
My male pain is very bad but to get tmi for a moment, I have an ant bite on my anal area. The left side of the orifice is swollen a little bit. I didn't notice this until I took a shave check picture. Can't post it here without making my blog an 'adult' one and you know, my cousin reads this. I don't want to be too exposed.
Instead, you can see my face Shave Check image. I was distracted by a game show on tv and cut... fool.
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I was too warm, this summer refuses to let go. Should have been cold by now but nope, I need to wash my warm clothes. Haven't worn them since April.
As yet again, I cannot get a ride to the Laundromat and laundry has become huge so I doubt if I have enough money to do it. I use 2 machines, one for towels and pants and one for everything else.
I use 2 dryers the same way. I may have to use three if it is too huge. I will get a laundry bag for my warm clothes.
My male pain is very bad but to get tmi for a moment, I have an ant bite on my anal area. The left side of the orifice is swollen a little bit. I didn't notice this until I took a shave check picture. Can't post it here without making my blog an 'adult' one and you know, my cousin reads this. I don't want to be too exposed.
Instead, you can see my face Shave Check image. I was distracted by a game show on tv and cut... fool.
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Distress
I have a cyclical problem. it is related to my anxiety disorder like all of my problems are. I said I would not post complaints here again but this isn't a complaint, this is an expression of the pain I feel.
I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.
Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.
I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).
I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.
My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.
I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?
Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.
I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.
I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.
Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.
This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.
Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.
I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.
This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.
I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.
I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.
When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.
I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.
Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.
I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).
I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.
My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.
I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?
Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.
I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.
I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.
Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.
This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.
Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.
I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.
This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.
I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.
I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.
When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
So Angry
I don't use the phrase 'pissed-off' ever but I am using it now because I am.
I have mentioned on several occasions in the past that I cannot sleep without my radio. It is something I have done since I was child, it will be something I will do until I am gone.
What happened? The local electric power cooperative shut off the power some time between 7 am and it came back on just before 12 pm. The stated reason was to perform upgrades to their power system. Maybe it won't be so threadbare.
I have said we haven't had a bad thunderstorm go through here in some time. We have had big wind and small hail but not la tormenta, the supercell storms.
In one of those types of storms, the power usually always goes out. Sitting in the dark, scared enough that you would pee in your pants. Storms like that stroke my anxiety with a wire bbq grill cleaning brush.
I did not get much sleep, like 2 hours. I woke up because my radio was off. I feel like hell. I didn't want to shave but I did because I need to flip to the 'white-gray' part of my color pattern which is suffering mightily because I can't get a ride to the Laundromat to wash my dirty clothes.
Feelings will moderate and I will chill. Being angry causes stress which damaged my prostate gland. I was angry at wm a lot when I worked there.
I am sorry if my shave check picture reflects this. I am still angry.
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I have mentioned on several occasions in the past that I cannot sleep without my radio. It is something I have done since I was child, it will be something I will do until I am gone.
What happened? The local electric power cooperative shut off the power some time between 7 am and it came back on just before 12 pm. The stated reason was to perform upgrades to their power system. Maybe it won't be so threadbare.
I have said we haven't had a bad thunderstorm go through here in some time. We have had big wind and small hail but not la tormenta, the supercell storms.
In one of those types of storms, the power usually always goes out. Sitting in the dark, scared enough that you would pee in your pants. Storms like that stroke my anxiety with a wire bbq grill cleaning brush.
I did not get much sleep, like 2 hours. I woke up because my radio was off. I feel like hell. I didn't want to shave but I did because I need to flip to the 'white-gray' part of my color pattern which is suffering mightily because I can't get a ride to the Laundromat to wash my dirty clothes.
Feelings will moderate and I will chill. Being angry causes stress which damaged my prostate gland. I was angry at wm a lot when I worked there.
I am sorry if my shave check picture reflects this. I am still angry.
So
It wasn't a Hate Sunday other than a negative NASCAR race's ending. I won't discuss car racing here.
I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.
I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.
I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.
I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.
I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.
I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.
I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.
I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.
I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.
I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Hurricane Gonzalo
It is in the Atlantic Ocean, those islands in this picture being the Bahamas and Hispaniola.
It is heading north-northwestward at 5 mph, about to be deflected by a trough in the Eastern USA. That will put it on a more northerly track and cause it to come close to or hit the island of Bermuda.
The eye is fluctuating, causing the intensity of this cyclone to fluctuate. It will soon pass into drier air and over sharply colder water within a few days, becoming extra-tropical.
I am sorry it is not a beautiful RGB image. The RGB feed had a sharp distortion in it.
I hope Bermuda is spared the worst and no one is hurt.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Not a Bad Picture
I shave every Tuesday or so. It is getting colder and soon I will have to think of a way of not freezing as I stand there in my underwear splashing water on my skin. Not to mention that the shave gel is cold, so is the aftershave lotion.
I take shave check pictures before applying the aftershave.
I am becoming cognizant that natural lighting is better for pictures than the glare of those curly mini-fluorescent lights that cost more than the old kind but are generally better.
There is a lot I still have to learn about my camera (Canon PowerShot SX 160 IS).
This is the picture I took today, I don't look so bad. I wish a female would say so.
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On my forehead is a little mark. When I was fixing the water line 3 days ago, I hit my head on a part of the floor structure. It will go away eventually. If you touch it, it hurts. I should have been more careful.
I take shave check pictures before applying the aftershave.
I am becoming cognizant that natural lighting is better for pictures than the glare of those curly mini-fluorescent lights that cost more than the old kind but are generally better.
There is a lot I still have to learn about my camera (Canon PowerShot SX 160 IS).
This is the picture I took today, I don't look so bad. I wish a female would say so.
On my forehead is a little mark. When I was fixing the water line 3 days ago, I hit my head on a part of the floor structure. It will go away eventually. If you touch it, it hurts. I should have been more careful.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Not a Hate Sunday
It was all right today. Had a pretty normal day, not like yesterday fixing that fucking water line. I have to do that occasionally, under the house because pvc is a substandard building material.
I was able to write some, enjoy my music. I do have to help cook but that is an everyday thing for me.
I went to wm and there was the usual panic but it wasn't so bad because it was rather dead. The wm I worked in would be packed on a sunday and it probably still is as I write this.
It will storm later, a squall line. Thunderstorms stroke my anxiety like teasing the tiger. It will bite back. Unless the power goes out, a historical possibility here during storms, I will be all right.
I remember like 11 years ago, down the hill from here, I was on WebTV and the power went out, a beast of a storm outside. I peed on myself I was so scared. I won't forget that.
It hasn't really done that since but it will again eventually and I will be scared again, I admit. I know the elemental power of the weather. There is no reason not to be scared.
I have a weather radio because of that. I have weatherbug, pay attention to the NWS and the local tv stations in this area. Can't watch them if the storm is too bad, the directv goes out.
The dude on the local NBC station said it will pass through here quickly, which is typical of a springtime pattern, not autumn, which we presently are in.
Now tell me that people haven't fucked up the weather.
I forgot about the cyclone ravaging India. I would have posted a satellite picture of it but it takes some doing looking for the GOES floaters assigned to specific tropical systems.
I am glad Vongfong weakened to tropical storm level and is not ravaging Japan.
I will be here writing despite the storm. It will hit about the time I take a bath/shower. What joy would that be.
I was able to write some, enjoy my music. I do have to help cook but that is an everyday thing for me.
I went to wm and there was the usual panic but it wasn't so bad because it was rather dead. The wm I worked in would be packed on a sunday and it probably still is as I write this.
It will storm later, a squall line. Thunderstorms stroke my anxiety like teasing the tiger. It will bite back. Unless the power goes out, a historical possibility here during storms, I will be all right.
I remember like 11 years ago, down the hill from here, I was on WebTV and the power went out, a beast of a storm outside. I peed on myself I was so scared. I won't forget that.
It hasn't really done that since but it will again eventually and I will be scared again, I admit. I know the elemental power of the weather. There is no reason not to be scared.
I have a weather radio because of that. I have weatherbug, pay attention to the NWS and the local tv stations in this area. Can't watch them if the storm is too bad, the directv goes out.
The dude on the local NBC station said it will pass through here quickly, which is typical of a springtime pattern, not autumn, which we presently are in.
Now tell me that people haven't fucked up the weather.
I forgot about the cyclone ravaging India. I would have posted a satellite picture of it but it takes some doing looking for the GOES floaters assigned to specific tropical systems.
I am glad Vongfong weakened to tropical storm level and is not ravaging Japan.
I will be here writing despite the storm. It will hit about the time I take a bath/shower. What joy would that be.
Sugar Alternative (Possibly)
I have an issue with the sugar death. I am not going to lose an unwanted 12 pounds and slim my body if I don't lay off the sugar.
I like Red Diamond Sweet Tea. It is an acquired taste but it is all right after a year of drinking it. I saw a sugar-free kind in the walmart and decided to try it. It is sweetened with Splenda. I know nothing of Splenda but have heard of it for a long time.
It tastes (to me) like the regular sweet tea.
So I will try using Splenda in my sugar needs in the future but have soda on hand for blood sugar purposes.
I drink tea most of the time. I don't drink so much because peeing is painful for me and I always have overflow the more I do it.
Liquid goes through me like sieve. I can drink a glass of tea and have to pee like 10 minutes later.
Maybe Splenda will spare my teeth further problems and let me lose this belly I have. Of course, exercising would help but it would likely hurt because I have been inactive so long. Walking to the store a few weeks ago taught me that.
I can't go to the store that often because of gas concerns and the panic I feel when I do. I live 3 miles from a Dollar General, 8 and 10 from a walmart in either direction.
I would post a body picture but I told you, no nudity in this blog. If it wasn't a TOS or propriety issue, I would. I'm not shy like that.
I like Red Diamond Sweet Tea. It is an acquired taste but it is all right after a year of drinking it. I saw a sugar-free kind in the walmart and decided to try it. It is sweetened with Splenda. I know nothing of Splenda but have heard of it for a long time.
It tastes (to me) like the regular sweet tea.
So I will try using Splenda in my sugar needs in the future but have soda on hand for blood sugar purposes.
I drink tea most of the time. I don't drink so much because peeing is painful for me and I always have overflow the more I do it.
Liquid goes through me like sieve. I can drink a glass of tea and have to pee like 10 minutes later.
Maybe Splenda will spare my teeth further problems and let me lose this belly I have. Of course, exercising would help but it would likely hurt because I have been inactive so long. Walking to the store a few weeks ago taught me that.
I can't go to the store that often because of gas concerns and the panic I feel when I do. I live 3 miles from a Dollar General, 8 and 10 from a walmart in either direction.
I would post a body picture but I told you, no nudity in this blog. If it wasn't a TOS or propriety issue, I would. I'm not shy like that.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Typhoon Vongfong
I don't like cyclones that harm people.
Its swirly beauty is ruined by that, actually.
I have not forgotten, I just didn't post tropical cyclone pictures because I was feeling bad. I hope Vongfong doesn't kill anyone and damage is limited.
Friday, October 10, 2014
Ebola
I have been very upset. I reckon I might as well write about Ebola.
A long time ago, like when I was 18, I read 'The Hot Zone' by Preston. It tells the story of the 1976 Ebola epidemic in what had been Zaire in those days. My empathy, apparent even back then, stronger now, felt for those poor people who died in such a horrible way.
I know what Ebola can do. It is a hemorrhagic fever virus, causes fatal bleeding and organ failure. Prognosis is very grim.
It is a dangerous health threat, to be sure.
However, Ebola doesn't spread like the flu. A person with the symptoms is not in any shape to visit with people but that is no excuse to be lax in how you behave. Don't kiss, have sex, suck, whatever with the sick one. Don't handle what they use. Keep a distance even though you want to help.
It is unlikely to be a pandemic issue in the United States but both the CDC and the WHO say it can 'mutate', 'evolve' is how I see it, and one never can be too sure.
I won't worry about Ebola. My anxiety disorder is killing me. I need no outside help with that.
There is an Ebola outbreak on a smaller scale in the Congo right now. That is the strain that affected those people in the same region in 1976.
Sanitation isn't like it is here in parts of Africa. Customs are different as well. This is why it spreads there.
That very reason should allay fears of this virulent, extremely dangerous, viral disease affecting America.
A long time ago, like when I was 18, I read 'The Hot Zone' by Preston. It tells the story of the 1976 Ebola epidemic in what had been Zaire in those days. My empathy, apparent even back then, stronger now, felt for those poor people who died in such a horrible way.
I know what Ebola can do. It is a hemorrhagic fever virus, causes fatal bleeding and organ failure. Prognosis is very grim.
It is a dangerous health threat, to be sure.
However, Ebola doesn't spread like the flu. A person with the symptoms is not in any shape to visit with people but that is no excuse to be lax in how you behave. Don't kiss, have sex, suck, whatever with the sick one. Don't handle what they use. Keep a distance even though you want to help.
It is unlikely to be a pandemic issue in the United States but both the CDC and the WHO say it can 'mutate', 'evolve' is how I see it, and one never can be too sure.
I won't worry about Ebola. My anxiety disorder is killing me. I need no outside help with that.
There is an Ebola outbreak on a smaller scale in the Congo right now. That is the strain that affected those people in the same region in 1976.
Sanitation isn't like it is here in parts of Africa. Customs are different as well. This is why it spreads there.
That very reason should allay fears of this virulent, extremely dangerous, viral disease affecting America.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Apology
My blog seems to have become a place to post complaints. It was not meant for this purpose.
I don't go anywhere. My only social contact is online. I could not change if I wanted to. Even with help, I still feel uncomfortable around people.
I used to see things, I mean, when I walked to the store a few weeks ago, I saw things that fascinated me. I thought, well, hell, should have brought my camera.
Though it is a bulky thing to be carrying in the pocket of your Lee jeans.
I could not do that again. I hurt so bad after it, I question beginning to exercise. I do need to speak with a doctor first, about this and several other things.
I should like to see the lake again. I will when I can. I will bring my camera, take a selfie there. I feel cute sometimes and sometimes not. I am an almost 39-year-old male. What is cute about that?
My self-image waffles between cuteness and feeling hideous. My hair has a lot to do with that.
I did take some pictures today, for the opportunity to take pictures of my bare hide doesn't come very often with the lack of privacy here. I won't post them, not because I am like that actress and feel 'violated' by some pictures. It is because this blog wasn't meant for that.
I did this to check my body for bug bites, skin rashes, etc... I am largely semi-flawless in most parts of my skin.
So, I want to apologize for writing complaints and being less than my sweet self.
I will still write Hate Sunday posts, because I hate Sundays.
I will talk about Ebola later.
I don't go anywhere. My only social contact is online. I could not change if I wanted to. Even with help, I still feel uncomfortable around people.
I used to see things, I mean, when I walked to the store a few weeks ago, I saw things that fascinated me. I thought, well, hell, should have brought my camera.
Though it is a bulky thing to be carrying in the pocket of your Lee jeans.
I could not do that again. I hurt so bad after it, I question beginning to exercise. I do need to speak with a doctor first, about this and several other things.
I should like to see the lake again. I will when I can. I will bring my camera, take a selfie there. I feel cute sometimes and sometimes not. I am an almost 39-year-old male. What is cute about that?
My self-image waffles between cuteness and feeling hideous. My hair has a lot to do with that.
I did take some pictures today, for the opportunity to take pictures of my bare hide doesn't come very often with the lack of privacy here. I won't post them, not because I am like that actress and feel 'violated' by some pictures. It is because this blog wasn't meant for that.
I did this to check my body for bug bites, skin rashes, etc... I am largely semi-flawless in most parts of my skin.
So, I want to apologize for writing complaints and being less than my sweet self.
I will still write Hate Sunday posts, because I hate Sundays.
I will talk about Ebola later.