I have waited a long time to talk about this. It is somewhat representative of the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder.
I worked at Walmart Supercenter 407. I started in Grocery, day stocking, which is something I did at Winn-Dixie so long ago. However, I have worked in Grocery for years, I worked at HEB 174 before they built the new one, for two years. I was terminated for getting into a fight with a lazy coworker. That was a learning lesson and I have not been in a conflict like that with anyone since. I went to Solectron then, which was my favorite job EVER. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. Solectron collapsed in 2007 and was taken over by a company in Singapore, and then shut down. Sad, that.
I worked in the Garden Center for two years. I learned A LOT about cultivation, lawn care, lawn mowers, flower care, etc.... I like helping people and I like gardening. I do not have one of my own because of the soil of the rural wasteland. I have lived here for 12 years now.
I was unemployed for three years from '03 to '06, which was somewhat of a defining time in my adult life. I developed anxiety disorder then, and the recurrent painful prostatitis that makes peeing painful to this day. As a side effect, I cannot enjoy sex, nothing is wrong with my 'equipment' it is further upstream and deep inside.
You cannot imagine the sheer embarrassing, invasive, and painful tests I have been through to determine the cause of my prostatitis. These tests erased any inhibition I have, though I am hardly ashamed of my penis, a fine example of them.
I mention this because it directly ties into the event that led to me leaving walmart.
A word of advice from Arthelius the Ghost: NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A CO-WORKER!
I did, with Malee, who would not win any prize for beauty, which is not nice to say but beauty in my opinion is a full sum of the parts of the female. This includes breasts and the appearance of her 'kitty'.
Malee had a repellent thing about her, which I asked a wise female friend about. This was somehow overheard by the German bitch Doris. I think of her as Ilsa, of the SS, she is cruel and arrogant. She called me names, said that I was a bad person, said that I did not deserve to live. Would always give me a dirty look, especially when I had the unfortunate task of door greeter, which in the Garden Center is the reponsibility of the GC associates sometimes.
Over the period of two months, 'Doris' got other people to hate me. Just because I asked for advice. I admit, maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I coulda used the web.
But the worst thing is, that she told Malee.
Now I will admit, I do not love Malee. I can't. She is more than 10 years younger than me and I do not think a person in their low 20's is even adjusted enough to deal with the consequences of such a personal investment as sex. Look how many lives and relationships it has destroyed.
Over the years, I have become content with my own self-stimulation. This is a good thing since it is a doctor-ordered therapy for my painful prostate. I will mention that it makes the pain worse afterward and it does not feel good like it should. Because of this, I became addicted to porn. I am mainly stimulated by lesbian porn. My favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova, who exemplifies my idea of female beauty.
Anyhow, this tetra-disaster of being with Malee, which I SHOULD NOT have done, I felt ashamed for doing. I mean, I have had sex with two different females in my life, both Asian. Why can't I attract a White girl?
I have given up the idea of sex now. If and when I get another girlfriend, which is not a priority frankly, as they are willful and cruel creatures, I will not ask her for sex but if she wants it, I won't say no.
I became increasingly suicidal in feeling in my final two months of walmart. I was afraid that I would actually do it. I mean, some days.... gosh, I came very close.
I went to my doctor in April of '10, who authorized a medical leave for walmart and altered my medicine dosage. Over three months, the feeling subsided. I have spent the last months writing stories, listening to music, watching tv, playing Spore and doing chores.
I spend time with our cats. I like cats. They may not care about you but they are friends who won't turn on you. I don't like dogs for the opposite reasons. I actually HATE dogs. This makes me a 'bad person' in some peoples' opinions.
Perhaps I am too sensitive. I have always been too sensitive. Anxiety Disorder maginifies sensitivity so much, I can't deal with many people at once, hardly can deal driviing in heavy traffic, and especially can't deal with hateful, hurtful and insensitive people.
I made the decision to leave walmart in May. I asked many people for advice. They said if it causes such feelings and makes my mental illness worse, then leave. It was not a decision I made lightly.
So I left.
The time since has been very hard. I will admit, I am at home, I never left. My father has been disabled for 14 years. Who else will help him but me and my mom?
Doctors say, once you have a stroke, another is more likely. Could happen at any time. To see your father broken down like that has to be harder than losing him. It has been hard.
It has been hard because there is no money. I am using my sister's wireless thingy to go on the web. She does not help us. Going hungry is common. My family is on a fixed income, a sadly insufficient income. I cannot go get another job. Our car was repossessed in July. How will I get there?
I do have a car. It is disabled by a tension problem in a critical belt. Three repairs of it have failed. I will fix it myself hopefully if I get a tax return.
But my car is 13 years old. It doesn't look too good with oxidization of its paint. It likely cannot be repaired and I will have to sell it. I love that car. It has always brought me home. Besides, its a Mazda, who makes nice cars.
I am trapped here. This is likely making my Anxiety Disorder worse, drawing me in on myself more. I feel uncomfortable even going to the Post Office. At what point does it become a disability?
I will ask my doctor that.
I believe my life will end in suicide. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or next year but some time, it will get worse like that.
No one seems to understand or wants to help. I have given up asking for help.
I can return to Walmart. I am a trained associate, indoctrinated into the 'culture'. But I will never set foot in 407, EVER AGAIN. I have not since April 23, 2010, and I will never again.
