Anxiety Today

I did not sleep well. I have anxiety problems. Fucking holidays.

I get so upset, it's not funny. Do you honestly think I like writing about this poison strangling my soul?
I get super-sensitive when I feel anxiety.

It just is so hard.

Enough.

I could talk about astronomy, my stories, the fact that I have an issue with my underwear.

Or things I want to do, go to a beach this year. Do I look good in my Speedo? Eh, not like I used to.

Anxiety helps me in that one way. So you went to a nudist colony, male reaction would be you know. I'd feel anxiety which retracts everything.

It stays retracted a lot more than it used to because my prostate still hurts all the time. That never went away. In some ways, it is worse.

So to hell with a holiday and the fake cheer they bring. How is a date on the calendar a holiday? We could live on a planet like some of those extrasolar ones who zip around their parent star in hours. How would a year be measured then?

Time is a perception. The reality is entropy.

I'm no physicist. I took biology classes to help my writing. The further I get from that, the less creative I have become. I do have resolutions, one is to always learn more. Another is to restore my T levels and feel good again. The biggest one of all, is to get help for my anxiety.

It's going to kill me if left untreated. I worry about this a lot.

Why do you read this? What do you care? You, as other people, are part of the problem

Earth in Spore

Not everyone finds it. It is a pain in the tail to search a whole galaxy to find one particular sun.

But if you know how, it isn't so hard and can be amusing. I am talking about the Space Stage of Spore.

I have had Spore since it came out. I have been playing it occasionally since. It amuses me. I also like making stuff.

I flew my spaceship thing to the moon and reversed the camera view (by spinning the ship around) and caught this Earth eclipse with the Sun.

I took a picture of it:

 

 

You can see my Spore page here.

New Year

What does New Year Day mean to you?

It doesn't mean a thing to me. Most days don't. But why should a date on a calendar be a holiday? I have never understood this.

I will probably be hungry then, it is near the day of the month I get paid, which always seems to happen. This must stop!

I don't eat well when there is something to eat. Processed foods, fast food, I like pasta a lot. Others here do not.

I don't know what really will happen if food is more expensive because of congressional inaction. I can't afford it as it is. Going to get groceries always costs $200 no matter what we buy. It has been true for the last four months.

My cholesterol and other levels are okay but I only eat once a day. I don't know how this affects my health.

I have some pasta, sauce, chicken bullion. I can make something, you know.

I should be okay. I get bad anxiety ruffling thinking about going hungry. I never have in my life. Why start now?

Sleeping

I sleep in the daytime. This has a lot to do with anxiety, but also conditions here.

I have slept on the same bed since I was a teenager. Yes, I need a new one rather badly but just never could get a new one for whatever reason.

I sleep on a twin sized bed. I have never had sex on my bed or in my room, it was always in far away places.

I have to have the radio on. This comes from when I was a kid, being a lonely kid, I used to fear nuclear war and other things. I mean, it was the 80s. I have always had the radio on, always will.

This past day, the station I listen to was on 'low power'. Right. You cause me anxiety by not broadcasting? I can't sleep without the radio. If it goes off, I wake up. It is always the same.

I wear a t-shirt, sweatpants, and socks when I sleep. This is for several reasons, not the least being it is cold in here this time of the year.

I prefer tight fitting briefs as things happen to a male when he sleeps. I am not different from this.

I haven't had a sexual reaction when I sleep since I was a teenager. It just doesn't work like it used to.

I have critically low T levels. I wonder if I do get treatment for this, will that change how my sex works?

I don't know. I feel like sleeping all the time. I don't actually like sleeping. I seem to live in two worlds, the dream world and the banal misery of my life.

I actually have friends in the dream world. Those in my real life are not real friends, no one direct contacts me.

This sounds silly, I know. I don't recall a lot of what happens in the theater of the neocortex. Perhaps a good thing.

I am successfully avoiding the holiday bs which depresses me. Why does it depress me? The Jen Effect. It will always hurt.

I go to sleep around 7am every day. Likely wake up between 3 and 5 pm. Who really cares when I sleep? You don't like me when I am awake.

Ar-Ghost is a ghost, he doesn't have to sleep. Lucky him.

No Cuts This Time

Another post about shaving. I wore my Hanro underwear this day. It is comfortable. I will post a picture of it in another post.

For a long time, I seem to irritate the fuck out of my neck when shaving. I cannot see when I shave under my chin, see, I go by feel. Go back over a rough spot over and over until it is smooth.

Otherwise, I did not cut my cheeks or upper lip or my chin. Tell me, do you like these pictures?

Holiday Sadness

Over my adult life, when I started to lose hope of a family of my own, I came to dread the holiday season.

I don't like holidays. I don't like commercialism. I mean, my distant ancestors held a pagan winter festival this time of the year. Commercialism has changed that.

I feel sad when commercials on the tv constantly bombard one with the reminders of how great kids are or getting that gift for your loved one.

I don't have a loved one.

My anxiety disorder makes it incredibly hard to go outside. Well, yes, I do go to the store, at night, but that is only because I have to.

I want to do things like see the ocean again, to go see some friends, to see how much familiar places from long ago have changed. I would like to see the GG Bridge for myself. I have heard about it my whole life.

Now do you really think I can go to California? I can't deal with going to the capital of the state I live in. Pure panic when I was there last week.

No, I have a loveless life and that is slowly destroying me. I doubt seriously any female will take an interest in me, or that my anxiety will let her in.

I don't like the holidays. They are almost over. I can celebrate January 12th as Ar-Ghost Day, a totally random day to say, yes, I am still here.

Anxiety hasn't killed me... yet.

Not Sick... Yet

I just came back from the diabetes doctor. I do not have it but I have some disturbing deficiencies and my BMI is a little too high, not much but I shouldn't have a high BMI.

There is a naked picture of me on my nudie blog but you will have to e~mail me for permission to see it.

I will change my diet, take the necessary vitamins and get health insurance so I can pay for the treatment plan to restore my health.

I don't feel so well at the moment. I'll write more later.

Maybe Shaving Earlier is Better

I shaved earlier than I normally do as my appointment with the diabetes doctor is tomorrow. Once again, I was in my black MeUndies underwear. This is not a bad thing. I look good in them.

I may be a little chunky but I have a male physique and don't look that bad. I don't know about posting an underwear picture here. Would those who read my blog like such a thing?

I did not hurt myself shaving too much. I was careful and it was not so hard to cut for the razor. The Aveeno yet again helps so much.

Have a look at how I did.

I should mention for the past few days, I have had a troubling headache in the front part of my skull. Looking at bright things makes it worse. It does not hurt all the time, maybe because it could be vascular. My family has a history of aneurysms, so this does worry me so. Tylenol is helping so it may not be that. I just don't know.

Glasses Stress

You've seen enough pictures of me to know that I wear glasses. Have since I was 12. I am strongly myopic (near-sighted) and cannot see without them.

When I woke up this afternoon, I couldn't find them. I take them off when I sleep, have to, only a fool would sleep with them on. They could easily get broken that way.

When I sleep, I keep my glasses in a hard shell eyeglass case that I received with my last pair of glasses. I normally put it on the top of my bed's headboard, near where my radio is.

However, when I went to sleep this morning, I must have not done that. I woke up and couldn't find it and panicked. Oh, fuck, I cannot see without my glasses, everything's one big blur and there's no depth perception.

If I go without them for very long, a headache would form. Do you know how it feels when your eyes hurt? It sucks for real.

Not that my glasses are all that. They constantly slide down my rather oily nose (thanks Dove) and distort the focal point of my vision. This causes eye strain and gives me a headache. Staring at a white screen like most of the internet is also gives me a headache. I can change WordPerfect X5 to the ancient blue of its first versions which doesn't hurt my eyes.

I hate not being able to see. In the times I had sex, I couldn't see the female I was with. I do not know how Malee looks naked, I couldn't see her. My first gf. I remember vaguely. That was 14 years ago. Hopefully if I have another, I can see her.

The male mind is visually stimulated. I know this from personal experience.

Another thing about glasses.

They are damned expensive. This pair I wear presently cost in the neighborhood of $400. And that was with two different discounts they gave me because I have been a customer there since I was a teenager.

My vision is not getting progressively worse the eye doctor said. In fact, it is not as bad as the last time I went. I do not know what is going on with that. I can't see distant things nor can I wear normal sunglasses. I have a fit over kind that I didn't like at first but I took to them. I'll post a picture of me with them on if anyone asks.

I am developing a glaucoma said the eye doctor. I may be increasingly blind as I age if nothing changes in the field of eye health.

No thank you to eye surgery. My vision problem is not related to the lens or cornea, it is the shape of my eyes. Can't change that.

No thank you to contacts. I hate poking myself in the eye. A lifelong resistance ingrained in us at an early age, do not poke yourself in the eye.

More than that, I look funny without my glasses. They have been part of my identity for so long.

I am prone to allergy itching, tearing up. Nothing is worse than smoke or the dairy vault in the back of a grocery store (stocking milk makes me sneeze always).

I also have emotive feelings sometimes when I am stressed or I am confronted with something emotional.

My eyes are blue, usually red because I do not sleep all that well. My bed is uncomfortable but that is a topic for a separate post.

I have been getting head pain from my glasses not being in place on my face. I can't take Tylenol every day. It's bad for ya.

Taking out the Garbage

I have to take out the garbage occasionally. I hate it so. It is usually heavy and I have to walk over 100 yards down a hill to get to the dumpster.

I am a sedentary person. I don't exercise like I should, though I suspect the diabetes doctor I will see next Wednesday will tell me to do so or else suffer worse.

Using muscles I don't ordinarily use anymore, I become tired and sore. I must become more active.

I shouldn't weigh 158 lbs. But I do.

When I was taking the garbage out, I had my mp3 player on. 'Metal Gods' by Judas Priest played. YES! Excellent song for what I was doing. Just because I like electronica music best does not mean I don't like the metal from when I was a kid or even some new metal.

Do you have an occasional ordeal like this? Do you listen to music when you do? I mean, a lot of people don't live over 100+ yards from the trash receptacle.

I suspect when I am older, I will be on my own finally and won't generate so much garbage. Since I order stuff instead of going to the store because of my anxiety disorder, boxes tend to build up. I hate that. I dealt with enough cardboard in my years as a grocery stocker.

Arthelius the Ghost is back from his trip to the Great Attractor. He says, 'Gravity is a bitch.'

No kidding, dude.

Bothered

I am upset with the people who read this blog. I restricted it for a few days and let them not see.

No requests to read my blog have come in. I don't know what you people in foreign countries want from me.

What are you looking for here? Why pay attention to my blog, when in the first few years of it, no one came here to see what I wrote.

No one leaves a comment. You people could give less of a care about me or my opinions.

I express my pain sometimes, so what? It is MY blog.

I will unblock it soon, and see who reads this. I may forever block it if no one leaves a comment given as many people who reads my blog, from Russia, the UK, China or wherever else you are.

Yes, it bothers me, a lot, actually.

Getting Better at Shaving

I had a hard time shaving this week. It was cold. I was in my Me Undies black underwear. I don't want to get my clothes wet, that's misery.

As again, I used Aveeno everything. I have a shaving cream bowl and a brush but even the brush was cold.

Anyway, here is the result. I made one mistake but it's not bad.

80s Music

I like 80s music. I did not get a chance to hear it when it was new as I was a child then and all my parents would listen to was Country.

I listen to it now and find inspiration in it that could have been relevant in the Jen time in my life. That girl still bothers me years after we broke up. I don't want to see or hear from her anymore. Non-entity.

Broke my heart and still it refuses to heal. I left wm indirectly because of her. I have been unemployed for nearly 4 years, though my anxiety disorder precludes me from working anymore.

I have no hope for a new girlfriend. I doubt that my anxiety would let her in. It also lends credence to the idea that all girls are inherently cruel, knowing the power they wield over a male heart.

I listen to 80s music because it is better than that worse than the algal scum that builds up on one's aquarium that passes for new music now.

Real talent, real melody and real songwriting.

I like Trance most, I love chill, and I listen to a rock station on the radio.

Ha ha, Jen hated Trance and chill. Good. Should have known then she wasn't the girl for me, despite the fact we had a lot of other things in common.

Now, no love in my life.

I don't think of it much anymore. Kinda lost hope. I can love vicariously through the characters in my stories.

Could this change? Yes, love is a healing power.

It's Funny

It's funny that a post about Genetically Modified Foods gets the most looks of a single post in the over 5 year history of my blog.


I read Scientific American, have since I was a kid. I have a subscription to it. I listen to what it says.

That is not to say that I blindly have faith in scientists, anything is just a human guess most of the time.

I don't understand why people are afraid. Organic food? Really? It costs more and it is NOT any better for you than processed food. I would rather eat processed foods that have been checked by QA and have standards to follow.

Why do you care?

I have submitted a blood sample to a diabetic screening clinic. If I have Type 2 Diabetes, which is uncertain because I don't meet all of the criteria for it, I will have to change my diet. It does not mean I will become vegetarian nor does it mean I will give up the sweetness I value.

I will know this coming 18th.

If you think that modern food is bad, what of what our ancestors ate? I am of Northern European descent and they had some horrible things in their diet.

I won't eat wild game. Say, in this area, the hunting of white-tailed deer is big. This yields venison which is popular. I don't like it. I don't want any.

Watch PETA videos of what happens to chickens in 'factory' farms. It is sad. It makes you sick, knowing living creatures are subjected to all of those awful things before a not always clean death.

It's almost enough to make one give up eating chicken, almost.

I won't. Those chickens are not natural galliform avians. They have been selectively bred for generations to make a creature that cannot exist in nature. Having larger than normal breast flesh, weak legs, etc...

I do feel bad for them but I can't do anything about it and why give up something that I like?

Why is it so interesting when I write about food?

I'd rather write about how lonely I am, or why the weather is colder than normal, but no. I am just provoked by this interest in something you or I can do nothing about.

Rather Cold

Well, here it is, more bitching about the cold.

Tell me, what is wrong with this?




I mean, the 'normal' is over 15 degrees warmer than this for this date.

This is a snap of my WeatherBug, which I have used for years and keep a close eye on often.

The cold keeps the ice that fell frozen on the ground, slippery, dangerous. It has all but paralyzed North Texas. It's not that bad here, it is just fucking cold.

Cold hurts. My feet go numb, my prostate seems to lock up, making it hard to pee. Although that could be caused by the stress caused by this unnatural chill.

I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to and that often isn't for more than a few moments. I can go to the store but only to familiar places.

I stay by the heater and dry my skin out. Err, itchy. And all parts of me get dry. I am not ashamed to use Dove soap. I use the sensitive kind as I am allergic to some soaps, particularly laundry detergents (Tide, especially)

I have warm clothes to wear. It is okay. Maintaining water drip here to protect the water pipes. I went to take my bath last night and the hot water was frozen up.

Standing naked in the tub, shivering in a cold bathroom, it was not fun. The water did flow after a few moments, after all, it is hot. It seems to get hotter when it is cold. I don't know what is up with that.

The last time it was this cold, I worked in the wm garden center. Going out to help process a Christmas tree, to which I am seriously allergic. Although, that was in the high 30s, not this low 20s bs. That is -4 C, you know.

It should warm enough tomorrow to melt this accursed ice and maybe no one will slip and bust their tail. That hurts, I know.

Hopefully this winter malaise is a fluke and the jet stream will shift and deflect it from the south. You ever notice, few weather people show the jet stream anymore. How do you think storms and fronts progress across the continent?

I would have been a weatherman had I not have the inability to do math. That has affected me a lot of times. It's sad.

If the ice is there in the morning, I will take a picture of it and post it here. I hope it is not.

I miss the sunshine.

GM Foods

Here is what I think of Genetically Modified Foods.

Using science to increase crop yields to feed what is becoming a human disaster that numbers in the billions and counting is not, I repeat not a bad thing.

Using science to improve water absorption is not a bad thing. Nor is using science to resist pests like insects or mold.

Using science to modify nature is a natural outcome to what has been going on for thousands of years since the dawn of agriculture.

I do not believe ADM or Monsanto are evil. Sure, there are bad things about them. But there are bad things about all big corporations, GE, Walmart, etc...

You try to come up with a solution to feed the billions of naked apes that frankly overburden the earth.

Don't accuse me of contributing. I, nor did anyone else, ask to be born. I do not have children and likely never will.

In that way, my anxiety disorder protects me.

Do GM foods bother me? No. I mean, people of my generation and younger have been eating processed foods for our entire lives. Doesn't it show?

You want to attack a company that is evil? How about the News Corporation and its fruitcake moronic drivel machine, the Faux News Channel.

If this is unpopular, it's okay. I don't want people offended by that reading my blog.

TS Madi

This is Tropical Storm Madi, making its way up toward the Asian Subcontinent. That's Sri Lanka and India in the picture.


Just because Atlantic Hurricane Season ended on 30th of November, the weather never ends. If it did, we would probably suffer and die rather quickly.

I do not know much about this particular storm, it looks well set in and likely will be a typhoon or hurricane or cyclone, it's all the same thing.

I hope no one is hurt by it but knowing storms in that part of the world, it likely will be awful. I guess this makes up for a rather weak hurricane season domestically.

This is an RGB image from one of NOAA's satellites. I choose that wavelength because it gives a beauty to what is otherwise awful.

Think So?

What are you people looking for in this blog?

I write about the sad process that is my life. Are you that interested? Why not be my friend?

I can hold forth on many topics, I am going to speak about GMO foods some time. Not today, I had a panic attack earlier and I don't feel like talking that much.

Animals

I am not so big on animals. I mean, we are all children of the planet. Unless you believe the Lavos theory put forth in the Chrono Trigger/Cross story.

My favorite animal is the cheetah. Why? I like cats, yes, but this cat is ideally suited for what it does, carved by evolution for this purpose. Yes, the cheetah affirms belief in evolution. Its spotted yellow hide is cool as well.

I have another favorite animal. I saw one in the SA Zoo when I was a kid. The sad tale of the polar bear. As human activity fucks up the planet's hydrological and climate systems, the arctic thaws more every year. This beast, an ideal predator, is losing territory. They aren't fit for life on the open sea nor where it is warm. The poor polar bears may be gone when I am elderly.

I like their white fur, ultraviolet absorbing dark skin, their claws and bears are cool to look at. Another creature shaped by evolution to adapt to its environment.

I will talk about GMO food and the like later.

Imminent Cold Hell

It's coming. Well, it's 75 F outside at the moment, fine day tomorrow and then the bottom falls out. You can bet your sweet tail I am getting a heater when I go to the store later.

Shaving

I hate shaving. I also hate body hair. As a male with androgen poison in my blood, I constantly grow hair in all places where hair grows on a person. What the fuck is it for? Humans lost their mammalian fur in the distant past. It doesn't keep us warm and is generally unsightly.

I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. I used Aveeno face wash before, Aveeno Positively Smooth shaving cream during and Aveeno aftershave lotion after. Why Aveeno? It helps and I have sensitive skin.

Shaving hurts. Without Aveeno, it burns. I also am prone to getting cut because I either press too hard or can't see because it is beyond the rim of my glasses.

I shave other parts with a Philips-Norelco Bodygroom electric razor bought directly from the Dutch Philips Co. This one is better than my old one but my scrotum doesn't like it, it bites if one isn't careful.

I don't shave totally, my arms, under arms are excepted because it is too much trouble. My Bodygroom has an extension attachment to reach hard to get places, this is invaluable.

Here, have a look, just how shaving ends with cuts on my face.

Anyone?

Who reads what I post? Why? People from foreign countries read this. Do you speak English? What do you see here?

I kinda find it insulting when people read something and do not comment. What is the resistance? Are you afraid?

I write about how the cold hurts. It's not cold at the moment in here.

I write about my male pain, yes, it's there. It's always there.

I write about the weather, it fascinates me.

I write about things that interest me.

I don't really care for writing a post like this but please, if you will, comment and say 'hi' or something.

Arthelius is not back from his trip to the Great Attractor. Takes a while to travel 20 million light-years, you know.