Sad Again

I have some kind of oscillating depression. I feel okay some days but there are those days when I think of suicide and dying. I try to avoid those days. I mean the last one I had, I went outside naked, I did the m-thing, I am driven to do things like that.

No, I cannot do the m-thing outside. Anxiety clamps down and ha, things don't work.

I can come back inside and yes, though it depends on how badly I am hurting. I cannot do the m-thing when it hurts bad.

Yes, I admit to doing the m-thing, self pleasure, because I have no girlfriend or friend with that benefit. Even if I did, sex hurts my prostate, though I believe that is a positional thing based on my experience with Malee. Female can't lay there like a gel doll. She's got to move, participate.

As I get older, it seems unlikely that I can do it at all. My peeny does not hurt, the pain is inside, and unless you know a lot about male anatomy, I can't explain exactly where it is. It feels like a raging blaze right behind my scrotal area. It is constant, never changes unless it intensifies which it does occasionally.

When I have a panic attack, my muscles lock up squeeze on an already damaged prostate gland. that freaking hurts. I mean HURT in capital letters. Other stuff happens in a panic attack, sweating, shaking, feeling terrified. Can't breathe. It happens when I drive. It happens when I go somewhere. It happens when I get yelled at. It happens when someone unfamiliar comes here.

I AVOID. I don't like panic attacks, not at all. I would rather break my own arm than willingly go through one. So to AVOID, I stay inside, I don't go anywhere and even if I did, I would be poor company to keep, being reticent and shy.

Anxiety Disorder has warped my life. I don't think I will ever get better. I can't afford treatment and to get treatment, I have to go to Georgetown, which is some way from here. That is not unfamiliar territory, I used to work in Georgetown. Back before I developed full Social Anxiety Disorder. The Agoraphobia is a side effect, a fear driven not by people but panic attacks. I hate panic attacks.

What is this doing to my heart? Sometimes I have chest pains. This may not be heart-related but it hurts.

If I develop prostate cancer, heart disease, or there is a chance that I could develop lung cancer, how will I ever get treatment? I would die because I can't go outside and seek help.

A fine thing, that.

You may not worry about such things but I do. I am scared, I admit it.

I need help now.

Vegetarian?

I have wondered about becoming vegetarian for several years now. I have not become so because sometimes, I don't have control of what I eat, it is either eat or go hungry, you know?

The more I learn, about farming, about chickens and cows, I mean, I only have pork once in a great while and it is not something I would choose for myself.

I like chicken best. I like honey enhanced turkey breast lunch meat. I like some fish, I like beef sometimes. I am not saying it is okay to support companies who have bitter indifference to harming animals.

It doesn't make sense to damage the product before customers buy it. Because I worked in a store all those years, I seem to have a strong aversion to damaging the product. I feel bad when something breaks, not only because we have to clean it up, but it is a financial loss for the company, who pass that along to customers.

But, understand a fact, I am a student of Human Evolution. I know a lot about it, though it is only through my own research.

A fact about human evolution. Humans are omnivores. Human beings developed the brains we have because of increased protein consumption. This happened over the course of millions of years, likely because as hunter-gatherers, our distant ancestors ate whatever they could catch.

Now, that our distant ancestors were apes, that is not technically true. They were Hominids, creatures that have not existed in a million years. I do not know why people can't accept that.

Do you really believe that Human is the be-all end-all of evolutionary potential? Why do we have difference? Why is there cancer? Why does something as lowly as bacteria utterly devastate a human life? That girl in Georgia, yes, but she will make it.

Mariana Bridi di Costa did not. Look her up, she died a couple of years ago from bacterial sepsis.

The point here is that even if we are of evolved hominid origin, it does not relinquish us from consuming protein in the best place to find it, meat.

I personally cannot justify harming my own health by becoming vegetarian and I won't give up eating chicken. I don't particularly care for beef anymore.

I am told that I have only liked whole milk ever since I was a baby. I like it now but it's so expensive.

Are you going to say that we shouldn't drink milk? We are mammals. The very being of mammal, milk-bearing. Girls make it. Treated transgendered females can make it.

Going hungry as I do some days as there is nothing I can eat here, I can't eat some things, not unless I want a stomach ache or the big C-(onstipation), which is doubly painful on my prostatitis stricken body.

I am old enough to decide what I eat but circumstance just doesn't let that happen.

I am going to ask for disability for my agoraphobia. Treatment can be too expensive to pursue. I have to sell my car just to see the doctor. Wtf? That's what healthcare as it is does to us.

When I do have the ability to buy my own food again, I will have a vegetable heavy diet, but always with a meat course. I am an omnivore.

If you want to succeed in Spore, make your creature an omnivore, see the advantage in action.

Busy Lives, Mine is Not

Something I do not understand. Not having time to write an e~mail or a fb message. It takes usually no more than a few minutes.

Everyone is so busy all 24 hours of the day. It seems that they never have the time to do anything related to their own being, you know, like friendships.

My days are usually the same. I wake up, I turn on the pc and I write and listen to music. Occasionally, I have to do other stuff but it usually doesn't take up much time. I mean, I cook dinner most nights. I take out the trash, I do other stuff, it doesn't take all day to do that.

EVEN when I did have a job and worked at wm, I had time to answer messages and check things.

Now that I have too much time, I am stuck in a void. I have a life you could not deal with. Agoraphobia manifests in me in keeping me inside all day. I am a virtual prisoner some days, my own feeling keeping me in here.

This room isn't what it used to be. The floor is collapsing. There is an epic mess in here that will take days to clean up. I don't do it because of some kind of mental thing related to my mental illness. I can look at this pragmatically and know something is wrong but have no will to fix it.

The internet is my only social contact. It will likely be this way for the rest of my life. How sad is that?

While you are busy, I am here, sitting in my chair, trying to write.

I typically sleep from 5 or 6 am to 2 or 3 pm. On sundays, I have to wait until 630 am to go to sleep, the Fox's PSA's play at 6 am and I cannot sleep to people talking about some inane social event or whatever is going on at Ft Hood that has nothing to do with civilians.

Why do I sleep during the best part of the day (morning)? I really have no idea. I like the overnight.

It's only right for a ghost to like the night, you know.

Uncomfortable

I have dreams about and am thinking of death. This bothers me a lot. I mean, we all die. Many I know say that when someone dies, 'it was their time to go'.

I don't believe this because it violates Causality. Death has a cause, illness, injury, age, whatever. I do not know how I will die and frankly, I don't want to. I don't want to suffer.

Now that is sort of depressing. I mean, I could live to be 80. Given my family history, more than likely, I will not. I am already developing arthritis and I have read more than one news story about panic disorder causing heart disease. I have panic disorder.

I went to the wm in my hometown, a small one, and gosh, it was like avoidance. I hurried and kinda walked fast. I try hard not to panic if it can be avoided. I worry about my heart, have for a long time.

I have lost 7 lbs since January. That is good? Consider that I weigh 151 lbs now. Any lower and I would be underweight for my size. It could be muscle loss because I am not using them.

I would like to go to the Cove Gym to get back into some sort of shape but aside from no money to pay for it, I fear my agoraphobia would snap, especially considering that I am self-conscious at how pasty white my skin is.

I will try not to think of death. I certainly don't write about it.

When I was driving home, the cd player played 'Beauty #2' by Ladytron. Where is my Beauty #2?

Love helps, I know this for a fact.

Large Asteroid to Buzz Earth Tonight

Nat Geo wants us to watch this but really, the way life is now, don't ya wish it would hit the earth already? We need a huge event to change life, to have a common goal to work toward.

Also, less people means less pressure on the earth. Too bad it won't happen today.

You can see it here.

Personal Pain

Step into my pain for a moment. This pain will cause my suicide one day, not today.

It is not as simple as a cut or broken bone. It is not like a headache or when one's back hurts. It hurts more, deeper and scars my soul.

I was born in a small town in Tx. I was loved when I was a child. I was the only male grandchild until my cousin was born in Dallas when I was 12. I had potential. I could win the heart of any girl. I was sweet, cute, smart. Ask anyone who knew me as a child, they saw this.

Then my grandparents started to die. My grandmothers in 1977 and 1987. My grandfathers in 1991 and 1992. Of course, like my grandfather WL (Bill) Thompson, he would be 94 this year. Who wants to be that old and infirm? I shudder at the thought of the master plumber and WWII Marine reduced to a pale shadow of the man he had been.

Then I turned out to be shy. Okay. A lot of people are shy but not like this.

Consider using a phone. Simple right? I have a very hard time answering a phone. I could do it at wm because I took Celexa which deadened my anxiety reflex somewhat. I would MUCH rather text message than talk. I have a very cheap and sorry AT&T plan that doesn't have many minutes because I don't talk on the phone. I'd rather write what I am going to say. It is easier and I can write well, a talent I cultivated.

Don't say that I don't have a talent for writing. You write thousands of short stories and then you can judge. This talent is very important. It keeps me from killing myself. I can sit down and write and pour emotion into it. I don't feel better, but I have a clarity afterwards. I will have thought of consequences, effects, the promise of Salvation, denied if I commit suicide.

I am not particularly religious. My beliefs are somewhat held with a certainty that the whole story cannot be told and some things we aren't meant to know. I believe most in Causality. This is not about my beliefs, other than how they keep me from hurting myself. How strong is this?

My faith in Salvation is powerful but pain can overwhelm this.

What is this pain?

I am constantly reminded by my memory that life was not meant to be this way. This comes in dreams, in things I remember. Certain movies and music can cause this memory pain. I do not watch movies except maybe one in a great while. I delete songs from my wmp playlist that cause a memory pain. I cannot look at a picture of Jen. I cannot watch all 6 Star Wars movies. ESB causes a powerful emotive pain. That is why I remember when I first saw it, years ago, when I was a kid.

How much a kid do I remain? Consider this. I live at home. I have no wife, no children, not even a friend with benefits. I do not know if I can get into another relationship. The pain is too great.

My work record contains 7 years (and counting) unemployment. I was unemployed between 2002 to 2006, and from 2010 to now. What happened between those years? WM did.

I left wm on April 24, 2010 and was self-terminated on the 1st of June of that year. I could not go back. I just couldn't. I would have killed myself because the pain is too much.

It goes back to shyness. I have always been shy. I have spent the lion's share of my adult life alone. I may live at home but I live a very private life. No one bothers me.

In that time alone, I developed something called Social Anxiety Disorder. A defining feature of this debilitating mental condition is the panic reflex. I have panic attacks out of the blue sometimes, but most of the time, something causes it, driving, going to the store or an unfamiliar place. This made it hard to be with Malee. Something she did not understand.

I avoid A LOT. I don't go to the movies, I don't go to the mall anymore. I would rather buy it at Amazon but even going to the Post Office is hard for me. I go after it has closed, when no one is there to check the PO Box but I haven't even done that in months.

I don't even go outside unless I have to. I have lived where I do for 13 years, it is familiar, yet I can't deal with being outside.

Along the way, mainly because of stuff that happened at wm, hateful coworkers, indifferent managers, one who was racist against white people. WTF? Then Jen is there. I could not see her in person, no, I couldn't. I would be reminded of how she broke my heart. The pain she caused scarred my soul.

I developed agoraphobia because of the lack of treatment for my Anxiety Disorder. I do not have health insurance being unemployed. I cannot go see the doctor so he cut off my anxiety med. What the fuck? Did he know this could happen?

Because of agoraphobia, I don't go outside. I would sit here for months at a time. I cannot do that and prepare for my elder life. I can't go deal. It has become too painful to deal with.

Feeling is magnified. You may get angry sometimes, I become enraged. You may feel sad, I feel like crying.

This feeling I fear would give me the nerve to kill myself. I try to avoid feelings. Being Straight Edge, I deal with it on my own. No drink or drugs.

Oh, and the stress this has caused is enormous. Aside from raised blood pressure, I have stress damage to my prostate gland. It will hurt for the rest of my life. It hurts to pee. It hurts when I have an erection. It hurts when I lay down. It especially hurts when I have to go potty. (Sorry, I can't say certain things).

What is a prostate gland? It is a walnut shaped gland surrounding the urethra at the base of the bladder. I know exactly where it is because of the pain and then the tests done to reckon that it is stress damaged. It will only get worse as I get older.

As I sit here, I can't feel it if I have to pee. It only comes when I get up and walk around. That is not good.

Aside from the physical pain, I have other things to deal with. I will talk about my bedroom another time. It is where I spend 99% of my time. You can see Hwy 190 out of my window, it is only a couple hundred feet away.

I am reminded that life outside is busy, purposeful. I have no purpose and I stay busy with writing and playing games like Spore that waste A LOT of time. That is the point of that, actually.

My memory reminds me that this was not supposed to happen. I should be successful with a wife and kid, Id only have one. As I get older, it becomes apparent that this is not going to happen.

What is the point of going on, then? I failed at the one biological duty of all life forms. Reproduce.

Not that the world needs another human being.

No, not in this life. Perhaps in the next, if I am lucky.

There are other things that bother me. The allergies, the fact that I go hungry sometimes. Ramen is not a meal. I do not care what you say. Oh, then there's the fact that I have myopia and can't see without my glasses. I live with people who smoke. What damage has that done that is not yet apparent?

Changing any part of my life would take money and Herculean effort. It will likely fail anyway.

My parents won't live forever. This worries me more than anything. I have never been on my own. I do not know if I could live on my own. WTF? I am 36 years old. How did this happen?

Life will be fragilely stable for some time yet. If I do not prepare now, I will fail.

How can I prepare being unemployed with a debilitating mental condition? This question is a constant worry of mine.

It would be easy to say fuck it all and kill myself. But that is not only is a disservice to my family, my friends, others, it endangers my very soul.

I will be here for some time yet. I can't say that it's a garden party but I will try to make it so.

Soap Allergy

I am allergic to a few things. Grass, typical, any kind of conifer tree, that's also typical. I am virulently allergic to cedar, pine and juniper. Try working in the Garden Center with that.

However, I am allergic to certain kinds of laundry/bath soap. The one I am most allergic to is Tide. I discovered this when I was a kid, I broke out in the inside of my right thigh and *gasp* my scrotum. It took months to heal.

As I got older and began stocking in the stores, I discovered powdered laundry soap triggers my allergies.

I do not know exactly what bath soap is making me break out, it is some kind of Axe I think, I have been using an unfamiliar kind instead of the excellent and safe Snake Peel.

I have stopped using that. I use Snake Peel when I feel sweaty/dirty. I use Dove Sensitive every other time. Sensitive skin ain't just a girl problem. I have sensitive skin. I always have and always will.

Because whatever made me break out now, I have red spots all over. You can see this in my nudie blog, though you need my permission to access that.

I have three real bad areas on my back and right shoulder that picking at draws blood. I am self-injurious when my anxiety is provoked. Anything can cause that. I kinda like seeing blood on my pale skin, which is kinda disturbing.

I can say with certainty that soap and stress and diet play a part in this. I can't 'not' feel anxiety. It is like asking you to not breathe. A panic attack is stress magnified. I had one yesterday while visiting a small wm.

I avoid things that cause anxiety. That keeps me in an agoraphobic loop that keeps me in the house all day for months at a time.

I avoid things that cause allergies. I don't roll around in the grass or go anywhere near the million juniper trees around here.

I use the Sensitive soap and it should be okay.

You can e~mail me at arthelius@gmail.com if you want to see my nudie blog.

Political Extremism

Before I say this, I will admit that I am a Democrat, I believe in compromise, I believe less in bloated defense budgets and more in taking care of the people.

I hate extremism in any form. Whether it be from stupid and soulless islamists that blow themselves up to idiots like the tea party that is nazi-fying our government.

What is the deal? The way a government works is simple to understand

People work, pay tax --> revenue

Government decides where to put revenue ---> policy

President agrees --> law.

However, no one is working. I don't have a job. That has more to do with my personal pain that keeps me inside all day. Other people who do not have agoraphobia are unemployed. This is unacceptable. Why is there unemployment? A SIN. GREED. Corporate greed. Spend some time working at wm and see it in action. I do not believe anyone should have more than $1 billion. If that is communism, so be it. How much is enough?

What do conservatives have to cling to? Cold War era defense spending? Right to have a gun policy? Stripping women of individual freedoms? Corporate governance? Taking care of their rich friends and screwing people like us?

I am 36 years old. I live at the hind end of the American Century. I have no hope for the future. I wish I had killed myself in 2008 so I would not have to feel this rage against inaction and willful disregard for the country.

No one in the Congress is innocent. No one should be in the Congress longer than 12 years at a time. How long has Senator McCain been in government? Or Senator Reid?

The entire House of Representatives should be abolished. If they can't do their job and legislate, they should be charged as traitors for endangering American national security by destroying our economy.

Why is raising taxes so hard? What do you gain by not raising them? A broke government? Why bitch about spending? Cut pay to everyone in the Congress.

I am not in support of crippling the military. I am not sure Sequestration will cripple the military. I have lived by Ft Hood all my life. I am not sure the Army will suffer so badly. That's because of the bloated nature of the Defense budget. We have weapons that can kill anyone anywhere at anytime. Ask that al-qaida guy killed last week.

No, I do not believe in the current members of the congress, none of them. I do believe in President Obama, since he is not the one promising to strip health care from people as his first priority.

I cannot stand conservatives. I cannot stand the nazi-like tea party. I cannot stand dudes that tie up the entire government with a pledge to not raise taxes. I mean, all reps who signed that, who are they loyal to? That guy or the USA?

It is Un-American as surely as the sun will rise tomorrow.

Compromise? Sure, I would make a deal only if it did not hurt people. They are hurting people now by not compromising. They should be put in jail.

Hungry

For whatever reason, I have been going hungry. Forced to eat ramen, no meat or vegetables to eat. I am getting older, I need nutrients and vitamins and I am not getting them.

Why is this?

The person who does the shopping has no sense of the future. By that, I mean, she does not think of meals more than two nights ahead. Then she buys things that are not good to eat. I don't go to the store with her. I don't go anywhere.

I must suck up my will and courage to overcome my agoraphobia but that's like asking you to stop breathing. I can't just switch off panic mania or else I would have. Do you know what stress has done to my body? Between the prostate damage, body acne, and raised blood pressure, none of it is good.

I normally eat a granola bar a day. I normally have a vegetable heavy diet. I normally do not go hungry because if I have money, which I don't, food takes top level priority.

I haven't had either since late 2011. What the f*ck is this doing to my health?

I write about this here because no one else listens or cares.

Maybe one day, should I get a job/SS benefit for anxiety disorder, I can restore my diet.

Assuming I do not get sick or die before then, of course.