Regardless

I did laundry at the laundromat today. I ran out of quarters so some things did not dry but my agoraphobia is stronger than waiting for it.

Why does every do laundry on Mondays? Doesn't anyone have a job? 

Then it's like rudeness. People look at you like you have a yellow chicken suit on. 

Looks, attention, that affects my anxiety most. I have panic sweat and it was 67 outside. 

I think most people have meaningless lives. They contribute nothing and nothing matters to them. 

I have distain for other people. You work in a busy store and see how you feel. Working for Walmart ruined my life.

Say what you will to say you matter. You don't. No one truly does.

We should have remained australopithecines. Or better yet, not apes at all. Human was a big mistake and whatever extinctes us came 1000s of years too late. 

 

Garbage

If it is something I know about, it is garbage. I like watching the mechanical arm on this particular truck. Reminds me of the first scenes in 'The Terminator' (1984 film).



Garbage is prevalent. We human apes make so much of it. From packaging to unwanted or spoiled food to gross things that have been in one's refrigerator too long.

I have worked for 2 different grocery stores in my life. Then I worked for wm much later. The reason I worked in 2 different grocery stores is because one closed or I may still be there today instead on disability for my soul strangling anxiety disorder.

A grocery store produces a prolific amount of waste from bad produce to cardboard to plastic to whatever else. It smells awful and can be sickening.

I live in an apartment complex now and every so often, this truck comes and picks up the dumpster with that mechanical arm. That particular dumpster smells as bad as a grocery store's dumpster. Truly awful.

I could recount the time at wm when some idiot put a wooden pallet into the trash compactor. Being a small guy, I had to climb into the compactor and wrench it out of there.

It is true that I hate being dirty, this has been the case since I was a baby, so I am told. I don't mind getting dirty in the course of working but you will not avoid getting dirty if you have to take out the trash. Not if you aren't careful.

I take the garbage out when the kitchen waste can is full. It is full often because of packaging mainly. Jugs the tea comes in, cartons from cases of soda, watermelon rinds, discarded food and other things.

I don't like dealing with garbage but until we human apes figure out a better way to package things and have zero leftover food, it's going to happen.

Blah

It is true that I have not been feeling well. My scratch is healing but it still hurts.

What is worse, the weather. CNN said this time of the year is the average coldest for the whole USA. Boy, am I feeling it. It is 38 degrees F (that's 3 degrees C!) as I write this.

It is just the worst time of the year. The cold hurts, can't enjoy life because of dry skin and aches all over.

The cold damages the water pipes, harms our dogs and causes accidents, if it's icy.

Good things about the cold, perfect stillness, no mosquitoes or ants, longer nights.

I have been enjoying the longer nights. I don't like sunlight, you can see from my skin tone, I don't go out into the sun. I'll burn if I do, it's that fast.

I can feel the burn on my bare skin. That is a subject for a summer post so I'll hold off on UV radiation and my skin for now.

I hope to feel better. My hip doesn't hurt so much. I have always been stronger than that but this scratch... some how it had caused blah feelings. I could post another picture of it but do you want to see it?

I apologize if the booty pictures bother you. It is not my intention to bother anyone.

Hurting Still

I was in a bad environment down under the house. It was wet because when the pipe disconnected, a torrent of water surged out of it until the master valve of the water system was turned off. This is actually under my bedroom window on the north side of the house.

I did this immediately after learning this was happening. If I had not gone into the kitchen then, I would have never known.

I don't like going down there. It is awful. The water was warmer than the air. It was steamy and cold.

I took off my sweat pants to keep from fouling them. I went down there and searched for the problem, found it, took a picture and came back up to tell my dad.

It was going back to fix it that the floor gave way under me. I fell and my booty got badly scratched. My hip was hurt. Curiously, I was not otherwise hurt.

My right leg and hip hurt. It hurts when I flex my hip like sitting down or walking. Standing still doesn't hurt. That's strange but my hips hurt on occasion by themselves.

This will persist for a while. I wish it hadn't happened. I removed the content warning because really, I am not showing anything inappropriate. I just have an injury in an embarrassing area.

It is time to talk about other stuff here. I will move on and not talk about how I hurt so.

Holiday (Not For Me)

The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.

You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.

I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.

The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.

It is also the shortest day of the year.

I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.

Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.

I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.

I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.

This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.

I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.

The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.

I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.

You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?

Good

I used to bring my lunch occasionally to wm. Towards the end of my time there, I went to the McDonald's inside the store for a chicken sandwich. I alternated because the same-old gets old.

I developed a liking for swiss cheese then. I don't recall really having it before then, never thought about it.

It really began one day at Subway when I ordered ham and swiss. I liked the swiss cheese and have tried to get it ever since.

I primarily shop at wm because it is in the night after my benefit comes and when you look at swiss cheese there, it comes in these huge slices in long packages with only 10 or so slices in them.

I do not like that.

What I like is the swiss cheese packages like American cheese is packaged. This is a store-specific item in a store called HEB, which is primarily a Texas store.

It never bothered me too much to go to a specific place for a specific item. I mean, when I was at wm, I got my lunch items at HEB because they were better and their version of lemon-lime soda 'Twist' is my favorite lemon-lime soda.

I like Sprite but it costs too much. I can't really drink cola anymore, it will make me hurt. I used to only drink Sprite when it was really hot outside. Now it is pretty much the only soda I can tolerate.

Not that I drink much soda. Not like I used to. It isn't good for you, I know. I drink one when I first get up and eat my granola bar. Not much of a breakfast but it's okay for me. At least I am eating something.

I am particular in what I like in food. It isn't complicated or hard. I mean, I like Hormel Chili with beans a lot but it's not an everyday thing. I don't like any other chili.

I feel better. I mean, I will always have anxiety but I won't let it beat me.

Eating better means feeling better, count on that.

Feelings

I have moments when the shame and depression get to me. I do not talk about certain things because someone might get upset and think it is a suicide plea.

I have a belief that things will make sense one day.

I have a desire to love again.

I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.

I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.

I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.

I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.

I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?

I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.

The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.

I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.

I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.

You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.

I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.

I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.

I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.

My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.

If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.

I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.

I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.

This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.  

Hurting More

I don't know what it is. I have been eating as I should instead of once a day and started eating wheat bread again because I am not getting enough fiber, evident when I go to the bathroom.

I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.

But I was hurting before that.

I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.

Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?

I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.

What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.

Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?

I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.

I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.

I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.

But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.

Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.

Not This Time

I took a shave check picture like I do after every shave but I did not like it. Looked too disheveled. I am conscious that my hair is messy in some of the pictures, more so in this one but that isn't the focus of the picture.

I could post my pelvic shave check picture if you were interested. I lost the cord to my bodygroom razor's charger. I have a tangle of wires here and it probably is among them. I will need to find it or else. The razor's battery is low.

I don't want to get shaving and it die on me. That happened when I first started using bodygroom razors 5 years ago.

Body hair is easy to shave, pubic, not so much. Have to be careful.

Far and away, the part I hate to shave most is my face. It hurts and maybe it is the wet shave. It was cold and sitting by the heater dries my skin out. Moisture was restored by Aveeno and Dove. I use Dove on my face only but I just got a new Cetaphil bar so I will be using that until it is worn away.

I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will try to take a better one next week.

Ill Humor

I have been told that I lack a sense of humor all my life. I am a sensitive guy. I am over-sensitive actually.

I find some things funny, WWE Raw, for example. Or certain voices in the Spore game. I don't find crude humor that funny.

Most jokes do not amuse me. What amuses me are funny pictures and situations.

A long time ago, when I was on WebTV, I received a spam e~mail that showed a sad teddy bear, which had a small peena. He then used a vacuum cleaner hose on his and it got big. I thought that was funny. I wish I could have saved it.

Spam isn't like that no more. It is bunch of bs now. My peena is 7 inches when excited, I don't need enhancement. I don't need an auto loan, nor do I want to waste bandwidth on online porn.

Some spam is irritating, like female specific ones. I am not female. If I was, I'd find peena enhancement spam irritating. I'm sure many do.

People don't like that about me, my ill humor. I don't mean it, it's just the way I am.