Dia-Icky

Err... an uncomfortable subject. It happens to all of us. Many things cause it. In my case at the moment it is the over-chlorinated tap water used to make my tea and bathe in and whatever else.

I have a hard time spelling diarrhea. Had to do spellcheck to get that right, for an example.

I know it as dia-icky and it is icky. Try cleaning up from it.

This causes a pressure build in my colon that presses on my irritable prostate gland. Oh, fuck does that hurt. It feels like being stabbed there. My prostate gland is damaged, too sensitive and hurts all the time. Stress did that to it. I avoid stress in my life now but the damage is done.

I cannot hold it when it hits me, I HAVE TO GO. Not a problem since I spend most, if not all, of my time sitting here. The bathroom is just a few steps away.

Gut clenches, that HURTS. Muscles contract and squeeze on my prostate. How it got damaged in the first place. It hurts worse than it did when this began to be sure but it is a pain I have grown used to.

Dia-icky is dangerous because it lessens the hydration level of your body. I seem not to have a problem with that as I have to pee every 15 minutes or so.

I don't know if the over-chlorinated water is harming us in any other way. It is stupid, the water company.

Does this post bother you? Think of dia-icky the next time it happens to you. Maybe my word for it would amuse you in this unpleasant time.

Shave Today

I don't feel so good. It seems that the local water company is over-chlorinating the tap water. I have had what I call dia-icky (because I have a hard time spelling the real word) and then painful constipation as I am not drinking as much water as I should.

I didn't want to shave. However, my laundry cycle depends on it and I have to shave again before I get my hair cut on March 3rd or 4th, depends on how I feel. I want to be cute.

I get into ruminating story ideas when I take a shower and may have forgotten to wash my face in last night's shower. I don't feel so cute. Aging is apparent in my face.

I don't know if anxiety is causing aging. I am one of those people who don't look my age.

Oh, about my glasses. Someone smooshed them and bent the frames, I am trying to (very carefully) fix it. So if they look out of position, they really aren't. I see fine through them. If they were out of position, the diffractive index would be off and cause distortion. That isn't happening.

Enough babble, here's the picture. Tell me if you will, what do you think?

Hate Maleness

I have said before that I hate being male. I hate body hair, I hate male genitals. I hate society's definition of a male.

I don't want to be female. I am not like that. I just hate being male. Could I have my genitals removed?

I watched a video of such a surgery and no. I mean, watch a priapism surgery video, see how much blood is in there. Major arteries and such. I mean, I nick myself with the Bodygroom razor and its like automatic bleeding.

I will just deal with it.

Other males may read this and say, I am messed up. Yes, I am mentally ill. I believe I have a female soul.

I am not female in any way and that must really grind on my soul.

Err, why am I writing this? It is something that troubles me a great deal, being stricken with Anxiety Disorder which is a primarily female condition.

If I had a girlfriend, could erase this trouble, and make me feel male again. Not like an 'it'. But it's not likely.

Any girl taking an interest in me is about as likely as the sun going dark tomorrow.

Who are you?

Seriously, who are you? What are you looking for here? I am an agoraphobic male from Tx. I don't go outside. I don't go anywhere. I mean, the store last 3rd was the last time I went anywhere. I may not go anywhere until the next time I need to go to the store.

I am not that interesting. I write stories and listen to music. I don't have anything interesting to talk about, activity wise.

I am smart, sort of. I know a lot of things. Applicable? Maybe not.

I am getting older, yes but I am only 38. I am not like any other 38 year old. I don't have kids. I have not had a girlfriend in over five years.

I never left home. I have been agoraphobic for most of my adult life. It only became anxiety disorder in my 30s. it gets progressively worse every year and the medicine I take for it is too harsh for me.

Now I have trouble sleeping. I have slept on the same twin sized bed since I was a teenager.

I am not a big guy. I am 64.4 inches tall. Like a Hobbit compared to most guys.

Oh, other guys, I despise them. Misandry is part of my mental illness.

What do you want to know? Why are you here? Do you want a picture posted? I like taking pictures but going outside to take one.... not so easy for me.

I just don't understand why you are looking at my blog. What is it?

Are you afraid to comment? Why? It's there for a reason. I could easily disable comments on my blog but maybe someone will grow a spine and post a comment. I will get back to ya.

So, what's it going to be?

Shave Picture

I changed the blades in my Schick Hydro 3 to fresh ones. I only shave every 7-10 days. Depending on how I feel. I hate shaving, I hate facial and body hair even more.

If Low T feminizes me, I would tolerate it if it does away with this useless body hair. I am so upset that my face hurts for a couple of days after dragging sharp pieces of metal across it. Using an electric razor hurts even more and doesn't do as good a job as the metal pieces.

I use Aveeno Positively Smooth shave gel. I fluff it and apply it with a shaving brush. It's better than just using one's hands. It came with a black and green ceramic shaving bowl. I like this.

I used to get totally naked to shave but the last few times, I have worn my underwear. If you are curious, I am wearing black CK underwear at the moment. I always thought it was funny, CK has the same birthday as me.

The reason I do this is because my clothes don't get wet. I can't stand wet clothes. Especially if it is in the mid 60s at the moment.

Shaving resets my laundry cycle but I don't have enough white shirts to begin it again so I wear a light gray one, white underwear, and white socks. This is sort of a peculiar thing, I know. It's just how I am.

Here is the picture, one bad spot. I took it in a darkened bathroom, I kind of like the effect.

Irritation

What irritates you?

Bothering me irritates me. I have Skullcandy Hesh II headphones on. I cannot hear you when the music is on. I listen to music ALL the time. I hate quiet. I'd say it drowns out the voices in my head but I don't have those... yet. I am not that mentally ill.

I am getting older. It's not so easy to get up as it once was. I feel weaker than I used to, though that may be the Low T affecting me. I am old? 38 is old? I am not that far from 40. What is old? I never envisioned being old. I thought it would be steady. I mean, my face isn't changing. I don't have saggy skin.

My arthritic future has yet to manifest. I am genetically predisposed to it.

How are my prostate issues going to affect me? Every male has BPH as he ages. What if mine is too broken to endure BPH? For now, it just hurts when I pee.

I don't feel any different from the last few years. As long as my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled, I am okay.

Laying on my bed earlier, I felt it, thump-thump-thump, like a bass drum beating in my bony chest. How has panic disorder affected it? Will it trouble me as I get older? It frankly scares me sometimes.

I wasn't so old when I started this blog. Used to have a quirky sense of humor. As I have gotten progressively affected by Anxiety Disorder, I don't find things funny like I used to.

Is aging bothering you as well? Do you wonder what it will do to you? I will shave tomorrow and post a picture. See how I am aging.

I never thought my adult life would be this way. When I was a teenager, I thought, yes, it will be cool. I could do what I wanted. But no. A basic personality trait (shyness) became a feathered specter that encages my soul.

I am not the same boy I was then. I have changed and not for the better. I am agoraphobic now. I can barely go outside. I'd like to so things but no. I spend all my money so I am not tempted to go somewhere and ruffle my anxiety feathers.

The no love thing hurts too. I thought I'd eventually find a loving girlfriend. Instead, I found an immature twit from California who had no idea what love is.

I have always had female friends. It used to not be hard.

My closest female friend is 27 years older than me. My second closest is my cousin.

If I should make a new one, what will she want? They all want something. They wrap their deep-seated cruelty in sweetness. No, some hurts can be avoided.

I will grow old alone. That is, should my anxiety not kill me first.

I don't want to age, to get older. I hate the very thought of it. But I have gray hairs now. What does that mean?

Blue Screen of Death

Here it is, the Blue Screen of Death. The auto mode of my Canon Powershot turned it purple. It looks kind of cool but it's not.

Feathers Ruffled

I was working on my old Vista computer, which is a dinosaur compared to this Windows 7 desktop and my Windows 8.1 laptop.

As I finally got it booted, it was okay for a few moments, then, something I have not seen in years, the Blue Screen of Death happened. I was extremely upset. I thought those issued were resolved a long time ago. It hadn't happened since I got service pack 2 of Vista a long time ago.

Also upsetting me, I had a urinary accident, happens when I am stressed and my panic reflex makes my hands shake and tenses my muscles. This squeezes on my male plumbing, how my prostate gland became damaged.

I mentioned before what my peena does during these times. If you want to see it, go here.

I told you that I am not shy about it. Even if it is fully retracted in panic mode.

No Med

I have taken Celexa for a long time. I know its side effects well. But this time, they were worse than ever. I do not know if it is the medicine or the formulation or because my brain is a few years older and more mushier.

How does it effect me? It erodes my impulse control, enabling me to waste my money. This is a huge one I must stop.

It disables the reflex that allows male orgasm. Ever try to masturbate and nothing works? Sex is all but impossible with it.

It also makes me sleepy all the time. I have a hard enough time with Low T and all that.

I especially hate that it all but destroys the ability to concentrate. I had a really hard time writing stories with it.

So, I stopped taking it again. It does help blunt the hair trigger reflex that ruffles my anxiety feathers. So I will have that again but avoidance is stronger than ever.

I should not be writing any more whiny posts, I think it caused that too but understand, I DO NOT like cold weather.

No Love

Being inundated with commercials on tv about love being that St. Valentine's Day is nigh. How do you think that makes me feel?

Go back into the archive of my blog and you'll see when Jen was my girlfriend. It ended abruptly about this time of year in 2009. For a girl to say a video game means more to her than I did. I, ME, I terminated our relationship. How disrespectful and cruel can that be?!

I will never forgive her for that.

She wants to be my 'friend' still. No way, girl. I have never been hurt that way. I don't want to go through it again.

How has she affected my life? I hate green day with a passion because of her. I turn off the radio when they play. I reaffirmed my hatred of dogs because of her. Oh, just mentioning sex to her was a taboo subject. From a 30 year old female?!


I hate Warcraft because that was the game she said meant more than her. A fly by night plagiarized fantasy epic. Yes, it seems successful but it pales into comparison with Final Fantasy 7.

Sooner or later, Square-Enix will come along with something ultra awesome, they have before.

But this post is not about video games.

It is about the lonely life I have because of a girl. The Jen Effect.

Maybe I was not a good boyfriend. She never could understand why I have agoraphobia. She lacked empathy like that.

But understand, she was not a good girlfriend. She only called me when she wanted something. I took her home from work most nights. I never go to a public place to eat but I did for her. She made me go to movies I don't watch normally. She didn't like anything I do, Hard SF, Trance music, I liked Chill a lot then but it is not so appealing now. She hated it.

She considered the stories I write meaningless. Stupid girl, they are therapy for me.

It has been a long time now. I have not seen her in person since a few days before I left wm altogether. I don't want to ever see her again.

I am apprehensive about getting into another relationship. It just isn't worth tickling my anxiety feathers.

I won't write about Jen anymore. Some pain can be avoided. She doesn't use the web, or she didn't then. If she reads this, KMA Jen, demoness.

Could she be to blame for some of this agoraphobia? I think so. I used to be able to go somewhere, do stuff. I haven't been to the lake in 11 years. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since 'Avatar'. I used to go to Killeen all the time, only twice in the 5 years I have been away from wm.

It is hopeless and why I believe my life will end with suicide one day.

Appeal

You may or may not know that I subscribe to PH (Penthouse). I have for several years actually. Occasionally, they come up with an absolutely beautiful female pictorial.

What makes a female beautiful? All of them have breasts and a kitty, which ranges from cute to hideous. That really is not her fault no more is it your fault that you have a hideous hydraulic appendage that pokes out from your body in an obvious way.

To me, beauty is in her eyes, her face. Delicate, gracile, a charm she naturally has. Note that not every girl is beautiful in this way. It is every once in a while when an exception appears.

This is the March 14 issue of PH, she is on the cover, runner up to the 'Pet of the Year'. I voted for her last year because she was beautiful then and is now.

I will not post a picture of her (copyright and all that) and really, what I consider beautiful may not be what you do.

That is not to say that I don't like her body. I like smaller, natural assets. A female with massive breasts can be grotesque. 

Hips are also a beautiful thing. Of course, that is the morphology of her pelvis.

I have seen my pelvis on a CT scan. It is like a large cup where a female's is like a bowl.

I am attracted to blonde females, I mean, Jen is blonde.

But girls are willful and cruel creatures and sometimes it doesn't work out.

It is okay to appreciate her appeal.

If I saw her in real life, oh gosh, have you ever seen the scene in Final Fantasy IX where Alexander closes his wings around the castle? My anxiety feathers would do the same thing. Avoidance.

A Scar

If you look at my most recent shaving picture, a few posts back, you might notice a scar on my upper lip. This is a unique feature of a sometimes 'cute' face.

Many years ago now, I worked at a store called Winn-Dixie. It was my first job and I was there for almost 7 years until it closed.

One day, I was taking down a canned vegetable display. The paper sign on it somehow became loose, the tape holding it on pulling a can down. It hit me in the mouth, splitting my lip. I had to get 6 stitches.

That hurt and I have never lost so much blood at one time before or since.

That is where it came from. There are hazards in being a grocery stocker.

That was always what I wanted to do. I have done it since I was a teenager. Could I do it now? Probably not, being out of shape. There is no way I'd go back to wm, it just isn't going to happen.

Just going to the store ruffles my anxiety feathers something fierce.

Upset

There are parts of my life I don't usually talk about. One of these is a big one. I never talk about defecation.

We all do it. It is the result of having a digestion system.

My body is peculiar in a way. I can be constipated for 3 or 4 days and then it comes all at once. This could be that I have a bad diet or stress or the medication I take to manage my anxiety feathers.

To clean up. I never was any good with toilet tissue. I likely never learned right or forgot if I did. For a long time, I started using water to clean up. Spraying my anal area in the bathtub and get clean that way.

Obviously this happens near shower time, I try to keep regularity at that time.  Sometimes it is not possible and I have wet wipes and so forth to clean up. I wear relatively expensive underwear so I keep it clean.

Why am I talking about this unpleasant subject?

Well, I have to go. But I can't because the water heater here is turned off. It has been 30 degrees F for like 22 hours. It likely will be so until the sun rises tomorrow.

The theory behind turning the water heater off is because the water must drip to protect the old pvc pipes under the house. I have already had to fix one as chronicled earlier in this blog.

Dripping the hot water line will 'raise the electric bill' if the water heater is not turned off so it is. This idiocy has to be respected to keep the peace.

So I cannot take a shower let alone go to the bathroom. Not to mention that it is very cold in that bathroom.

I am sorry if this bothers you. I mean, it shouldn't. We all have to go sometime.

I am seriously stressed by this intrusion into my life's simple routines.

What?!

Seriously, I don't know who reads my blog. Most people who do are too chicken to drop a comment. I normally don't pay any mind to who comes to my blog. Why? Do you like me? Interested in the banality of my blog? What?

So I check stats occasionally, and lo and behold, what I saw here.

Who uses their PS3 to look at things like my blog? I don't use mine like this. What is going on?

A Successful Shave

My facial hair was getting to gnarly. I normally don't shave on a Sunday. No matter, I had to. Most of my facial hair is gray now and I look older than I am. I don't want to get older but entropy happens, you know?

I am posting a picture this time as I think I did a rather good job. Just so you know, it feels like a friction burn all over my face.

If you don't like this, I will post the shave check picture of my booty when I do the body shave later. How would you like that?

Cold Persists

It has been colder than it has been. I mean, it is so cold, the dog's water dish outside freezes solid. What is going on? This is most unwelcome. I hate it so.

Staying by the heater is drying out my skin and hair. I use Dove Sensitive to wash my face and it shouldn't dry like that. It is too cold really to take a shower but feeling clean is a powerful motivator to suck it up and do it.

I have gone to the store. I had anxiety moments, a girl startled me, I have anxiety driving. I made a mix cd and put some good things on there to help ease driving. No trance except for Uplifting Trance. 'Home' by Chakra remains my favorite.

What is it like where you are? It is not -4 C like it is here, I hope. This cold won't last forever. The normal climate keeps trying to re-establish itself if none of these arctic cold fronts encroach on the south.

They are not needed and certainly not wanted.

Color Matching

I have stopped posting about underwear because those posts seem unpopular but this is one last one. Okay.

I color match. That means my underwear matches the shirt. This is not always possible, I mean, do you have underwear of the colors you wear? I primarily wear gray, purple or black.

I have been told by some that this is weird. Why match colors? It just seems important to me. If I was a girl, my bra would have to match panties, no exception. This is true for me now. I don't wear panties, well, most of the time I don't.

This picture is of my red shirt day. I used to never wear red but since I like red against my white skin, short of slathering paint on it or cutting myself and smearing blood on it, I just will wear a red shirt.

Now my underwear in this picture are MeUndies male briefs, medium, allegedly red but really?