Belief

It is why I did not commit suicide and continue not to do that irrevocable action.

It is what assures me that things make sense.

It is belief. I believe in God. It is impossible not to and make sense of things.

Nothing just happens, that violates causality.

What is the causality behind my mental trouble? Is it brain chemistry or heredity or what? I hit my head on a concrete porch when I was a kid and had a concussion. I was out for three hours. How did that affect me?

I don't talk about my beliefs. It is a sure way to cause an argument and my life experience tells me not to cause a conflict, which can ruffle my anxiety feathers something fierce.

Other people are the primary factor that ruffles my anxiety feathers. How can a social creature exist if he cannot deal with other people?

I try not to have questions, they can lead to a very dark place that hurts. I am not in the dark place, I am trying to feel better.

But then, if other people intrude, that dark place can return.

Belief is strong but pain is stronger. I don't want pain. So I stay inside, away from other people.

I like being a ghost. I wish it were not so but that is how it is. Okay, enough about this.

I will talk about something else later. It seems that posts about bodily functions are popular. Why is that?

Other people.... smh.

Emotive

I am over sensitive. I have always been. When I was a kid, I could not take a joke. I still can't. I mean I was a kid in the 80's and that was before the internet and before this whole outfit.

I wish I could go back. I would make a different life choice if I could. I would lose my masculinity and become transgender. It is too late for that now.

It is not a question of being funny that way, I am not. It is just I hate maleness, other males, everything about it.

I believe I have a female soul, if gender can be ascribed to the immaterial part of one. I am over sensitive, I have anxiety disorder, I panic at the drop of a hat, I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to.

The longer this goes on, the more set in it became. I am forever mentally sick like this. It can lead to suicide if it overwhelms but I don't let it.

I feel emotive too easy. Some movies I cannot watch, some songs I cannot listen to. Is this why I lost my girlfriend? I have a hard time forgetting if she appears in my dreams.

I wonder if she ever thinks of me. She has to. I mean, it was over 2 years.

I doubt that I will ever get that close to another female ever again. It hurts too much.

For you who read this, understand something. I share this because it is a window into my daily pain.

Id much rather post pictures of tropical storms.

Ants

Let me talk about this scourge called ants. These small black ones whose bite stings and itches. Somehow they have gotten in here and were on my bed.

I washed the sheets and pillowcases to kill them. I do not understand what they were trying to find there. I never sleep naked and wear sweatpants and socks always. A shirt, of course, as well. I told you that was for a reason.

These little beasts, I mean, I have been bit on my shoulder, my feet, my scrotum, my back and my legs over the past few months.

But in killing insects, is it not wrong like you would kill a dog or another person? Everything has a right to be, does it not?

I wish I did not think of guilt over killing insects despite having done so many, many times.

Maybe winter will come early and kill these insects as they are cold-blooded. But that is not likely as August is the hottest time of the year in my area. A heat advisory today, at that.

Shave Check... Hate It So

One of the things I hate most about being male, other than having male genitals, is shaving. Dragging a multi-bladed series of metal strips across what is sensitive skin seems barbaric. Yes, it hurts. It did not hurt so this time because I took my time and was careful.

I am starting to show my age, but then I am stressed. My inconsiderate and self-interested sister is to blame for this time.

I hope you like this, do I remain cute? I am almost 40, you know.

Supertyphoon Rammasun

Look at this beast. I almost missed talking about this one. You know, it is on the far side of the planet.





This beast is Super Typhoon Rammasun.

It is a monster, Category 5, a kin of Katrina. That is southern China in its path. I hope people have made preparations and evacuated if needed. I don't like it when people suffer. This storm is like nature's wrath.

Maybe No Sugar

It occurs to me that sugar is not possibly the wisest thing. It is why I weigh 164 lbs and why my teeth need help.

So I get tea with an artificial sweetener in it. I learned a valuable lesson after using too much. I haven't had dia-icky since I wrote about it last time. But I did in a majorly painful way.

That hurts, not because dia-icky itself hurts and is always unpleasant, it causes pelvic muscles to clench and squeeze my prostate which hurts like nothing else.

Maybe I will lose weight. I would if I got off my tail and exercised but can't do it here, the environment isn't conducive for it. I would have to go to a gym and learn from someone who knows more than me about such things what to do.

I would like to learn to swim as well. Never learned how.

What a thing, to be in swim trunks and having pale skin and a belly. My anxiety keeps me in because of this.

I haven't been swimming since I was a teenager. I haven't done a lot of things since I was a teenager. That was almost 20 years ago. What can I do now?

I will cut down on the sugar. I will also try to eat better. I will try to avoid dia-icky as well because it hurts. It already hurts to pee, can't do anything about that.

Ha ha, tmi perhaps but that is how things are. How does sugar affect you? I know people who avoid it like the plague.

Myself, got to have it.

Admission

Why the guilt, the stress, the unhappiness? I admit that I have a suicidal feeling. I am trying hard to resist it. Deactivating my facebook account was part of this.

I am not some teenage girl bullied to the point of hanging myself. That is reprehensible and senseless.

I feel a deeper pain than they do. I am 38 years old, disabled by my anxiety disorder.

I can't go outside, it won't let me. I can't go see friends or meet a new girlfriend because it won't let me.

Not that any woman would have anything to do with me. My life is designed not to be exciting. Been alone here too long.

I feel ugly. I feel sick inside because of this. I don't know how to say what it feels like.

It is a cage, a shield, feathers, all encompassing. Strangling my soul.

I cannot put into words how anxiety disorder feels. You can't understand unless you have it. I share this condition with many others and we all feel the same.

I will try to be calm, try not to hurt myself. I mean, I don't like being hurt. Who does? My hurt is mental and it is a traumatic hurt.

Oh, and the prostate thing, I am having trouble peeing. I could go into detail but do ya really want to know?

That bothers me, too.

There were thunderstorms today. I have said before, thunderstorms stroke my anxiety. Today was no exception. Woke up too early and could not go back to sleep. Can't do anything about the weather.

The power failed here for like 10 seconds. That may not seem like a big deal but my computer was on and a story I was writing was on. Thank goodness for timed backup.

I wish I could go out and do things but it is just not possible with this anxiety strangle.

Sorry if this bothers you. It is how I feel.

Upset

I deactivated my facebook account. I am sick of how people treat me. I get so angry and angry hurts so I do away with or avoid like I do with anxiety.

I don't know why people can be so hurtful. Indifferent, small minded, apathetic, downright stupid.

I don't know when I will be back on fb. You can keep up with me here. I am just upset.

I can see people from Tx are reading this. Won't you please comment and say something?

Better?

My new debit card has come. Timely as I have run out of my 'breakfast' items and have run out of oj. I drink oj because it is good for me but I get the kind with calcium and vitamin D in it because I can no longer digest milk too well.

I was told to get more vitamin D but I abhor sunlight, especially on a hot day like this with a UV factor of 50, it seems. I can see it out of the window. Scorchy.

It is so warm when I sleep. Got sweaty. I do not sleep well like this. I can't share why, but I assure you, this is nigh intolerable.

I feel better. Finally got a cd I ordered 13 days ago, of course, not everyone likes Morrissey.

Arthelius the Ghost has been traveling in the spectral lands with Marraka, who is a ghost now as well. They are a peculiar but loving couple. He sent a message saying: 'It's not all that bad.'

Really, he has a companion and I do not.

Stress Guilt

Okay, I did not go to our 20th Anniversary Class reunion. The organizer assures there will be more events in the future.

Really? I have become more progressively worse in my anxiety disorder as time goes by. I mean, in the time when those with whom I grew up were having fun, I took out the trash.

I violated the cardinal rule about taking out the trash. I got some on me, some gnarly things better left to your imagination. I mean, not something strange to me, I used to take out the trash at the store. At least there were no bees like in the supermarket in which I worked, now, so long ago.

I took a shower. My icky pale skin looks different in the daylight. I don't like it.

I have been feeling guilty because I did not go. They wanted me to. How strange that someone actually wants to see me. That is contrary to how my life has been for the last 5 years.

I could not go, I don't want to be liable for the gas required to drive clear across the county.

My debit card is broken anyway. How would I pay for it? I am sooo mad at myself for forgetting it. Poor thing, all melted like that. No telling when I will get a new one, stuck in 'mail pan', what ever that means.

I listened to my mp3 player for a while. I do when doing something unpleasant like taking out the trash. I used to be able to carry it down the hill. Now I use the truck.

I don't know, I did want to go. I would like to see some people but there would be spouses there and people I do not know or haven't ever met? No thank you.

I wonder if this will happen again. An invitation. I intend to use my medicare and see if a different medicine can help me. Doctors.... like a trained monkey. Why can't they figure it out?

The stress caused by this reunion affected me perhaps too much. I have been unsettled for days. It's not clear what I can do about it.

I apologize for the trouble this has caused. I have to avoid stress, I mean, I could talk about my final days at wm. Stress like that made me want to kill myself.

I didn't, obviously. Now, that things have gotten worse, could I avoid that again?

I don't think so.

Being a real ghost simply doesn't appeal to me.

Unable to go to Class Reunion

Look at it this way. On a warm spring night 20 years ago at Badger Field, we received our diplomas. Mine was far from certain, I had a weak math score and graduation hinged on one test. I passed somehow and I got to go to the big dance.

If nothing, that experience taught me that perhaps I don't belong. I am intelligent in other things, astronomy, English, biology. I developed some of my interests after high school. I mean, I didn't know who Akhenaten was during high school. It is not like the school library had anything about that contentious time in Ancient Egypt. I worked in it at the circulation desk. I helped catalog most of the library as the computer system was new back then.

Computers. I did not have a personal computer until 2003. I had a WebTV before and was content with that until I learned the value of WordPerfect and writing on a pc.

I could have gotten one before then, but I did not like computers. I was afraid I wouldn't understand. But I learned. It was all good until Windows 8 came along but that debacle deserves another post.

Back to the subject here, that warm spring evening 20 years ago. I have not seen 99% of my classmates in person since that warm spring night.

I don't go outside. I have a hard time just going to the post office. Saturday is a bad day as it is in the middle of my laundry cycle and I wear WWE tees in this time, can't go to a societal function like that.

I have SOCIAL Anxiety Disorder. If I can't go see my friends since HS, especially those in K-town, how could I go see people who weren't my friends in school? My friends will not be there.

I do not have a medication as I stopped taking celexa some time ago. I could go see the doctor but that is also panic bait.

This class reunion is panic bait. I don't want panic. I feel bad enough dealing with the pain in my fingers and toes. I have been upset because of this anticipation.

I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't know. It is not intentional. If I was not mentally ill, I'd go in a second.

But that is now how things are.

There is also the admission cost. You have no way of knowing the trouble of last month, the running out of things. There is no reason I should run out of oj but I did for 11 days last month.

Add to this the fact that my debit card broke in half. It went through the wash and was destroyed. No telling when the bank will get off its collective posterior and send me a new one.

So, I have only what I have on hand. I will save it for oj when I run out, which is soon. I cannot maintain the future sugar death when things run out.

That, too, I have a bit of a belly. It is more apparent when I wear jeans, not so apparent when I naked. I tend to eat a lot when I have dinner so that can effect it. For most of the day, it is typical.

My belly does not belong on an otherwise slim body. I cannot go exercise to get rid of it. Anxiety says, 'nope'. I tried to go and couldn't.

I got some new music instead.

Nothing's really standing out, which upsets me some. Can't pick a winner all the time.

The location of the reunion. In a winery. Um, hello, I have written here on several occasions why I consider alcohol a wholly avoidable poison.

This winery is in an area I have not been in a very long time. That is panic bait, going somewhere unfamiliar.

Consider this, I had a metascale panic attack when I bought my laptop computer in a store I have been to 1000s of times last September.

What do you think would happen in a biz I ordinarily wouldn't patronize? I don't belong in places like that.

I don't go where I do not belong, that is panic bait.

I apologize to the organizer and the others. If you had been there 10 years ago when these problems manifested, then you probably could have helped. 

Goodness knows I needed it.

Arthritis

I have always known it has run in my family. My DNA test said in so many words, it's inevitable.

I am feeling it in my right hand's fingers right now. A numbing biting pain just lightly dusted on the joints in my fingers. Carrying something heavy hurts.

I am beginning to develop arthritis. I have pains in my hands, wrists, hips, knees and ankles. Not all at the same time and not all the time. It comes and goes.

One day, it will come and stay. Not being physically active can play a role in this.

Add to this, my male pain. I mean, I could write volumes about my troublesome prostate gland. I have in this blog many times. It ALWAYS hurts, particularly right now as I drank soda and like the doctors said, soda is bad for it. Sure enough, they were right.

I am having anxiety stress about attending my 20th anniversary high school reunion. 20 years?! It's like a ghost of a memory, so long ago. My life hasn't changed too much since those days. I still write stories and listen to music.

I know one day, it will hurt to move. I hope to know love before then, before it hurts to move. Pain will kill an excited peena like a switch.

I know this, happened to me before.

Is the future about pain? It will be, for me.

Poo

Not interested in the weather, or tropical storms? How about this post?

Everybody goes to the bathroom. If you have a digestive system, you have to go every so often. This is regularity if you are healthy.

I am not regular myself. My body apparently likes to wait for things to build up and release it all at once. I am no stranger to constipation.

That aphorism, if you eat crap, you get crap, is so true. I am sick of eating beef. I can't avoid it, it is like not having a control over my diet because I cannot afford to get different things for each family member.

I tend to have a lot when eating potatoes, bread, pasta, things that are supposed to be good for you. I eat a granola bar every day when I wake up. I drink a pepsi as well but maybe that is not a good idea. My body doesn't like soda so much anymore and something in them hurts my prostate like the urologists said it would.

I don't like poo. It hurts to go for me. I don't use tp mostly as I go before I take a shower. I use water to clean up. I am very particular about being clean there as I used to not care when I was younger. I can't imagine being like that now.

I think if you can't talk about it, you have issues of your own. Think about that the next time you poo.

Neoguri Beast

It is south of Okinawa, heading NNW. Its track takes it over Okinawa and into southern Japan.

It is a monster, Category 4.


I hope no one is hurt and gosh, damage seems unavoidable. A monster storm like this wreaks mayhem no matter where in the world they are.

Typhoon Neoguri will eventually pass into cooler seas and become extratropical and dissipate later in the week but not before making life difficult for a few days.

Typhoon Neoguri

This one is just developing but I am posting this now before night affects the picture too much.

This is a monster, Typhoon Neoguri.



It is growing in intensity as it moves NW across the Philippine Sea. It isn't that strong now but it is intensifying. It will threaten southern Japan in about a week or so.

I hope no one is hurt. This is the time of cyclonic storms. They just don't happen in the Atlantic.

I will post another picture of it when it gets closer to Japan.

Hurricane Arthur

This storm is a Category 1 tropical cyclone. No such storms are to be taken lightly. They cause flooding, wind damage, tornadoes, storm surges.


I have never ridden out a hurricane. I don't like thunderstorms, they are panic bait. There is one nearby as I write this, can hear the thunder.

This beast is not as severe as it could be but I do hope no one is hurt. I wonder if a true monster like Andrew or Katrina will form this year. I hope not.

Insect Bites

You may have noticed from my pictures that I have rather pale skin. I am a white guy, yes, but I do not go out into the sunlight. I don't like the sunlight. Need it, I know, Vitamin D deficiency but I don't want to burn.

There are insects all around, mosquitoes chiefly are the issue here. I get bitten by them usually overnight as I am a night person. It is so hot so I tend to sit here in my underwear and yes, I do have a shirt on but I still get bitten.

I have been bitten by flies, stung by a bee, a wasp, and I don't know on my foot. It spontaneously started hurting one day not long ago.

I HATE insects, some very much more than others. I especially hate houseflies and mosquitoes.

Bug bites appear stark on my pale skin. I would post a picture but how much of me do you want to see?

I haven't posted recently because I have really nothing to talk about. Unless you want me to talk about something.