Final Journey

I will always remember them. They were an inspirartion throughout my life. A symbol of American pride and courage.

This is Endeavor which flies on Friday around ll am CDT on Friday. I am not terribly interested in watching the wedding but I will watch this. I am terribly sad that there won't be but one more after this mission.

What does it do for us? You have plastics. You have velcro. You have possibly the greatest tool ever built by humans, the Hubble Space Telescope. They also launched Galileo the space probe, who met its fiery end in Jupiter's atmosphere.

I am glad Rep. Giffords will be there. I am very glad she is doing better.

Good luck to Commander Giffords and his crew.

Kate

Does this look like a princess? Is she your image of a future queen? I don't know. I'm positive that she is 17x the charm and sweetness of any girl her age in America. I am glad for Prince William and wish Princess Diana could have seen this. Her heart needed all the gladness after the debacle of that lecherous scum Charles.

Truly, Charles did nothing no other Prince of Wales or King of the UK had done. Look at Henry VIII.

I vilify Charles because he is a link to a legacy of bad behavior. Most of all because of what he did to Princess Diana.

She will always be a princess, much beloved.

Maybe Kate will be as loved as Princess Diana. I hope so.

You can say America doesn't need royalty, the US Constitution does. However, what legacy do we have as Americans? Murdering others not like you? Great feats of the past. Legendary people whose help we could use right now.

I am Texan first, American, second. However, if given a choice, I would live under a Queen any day.

Good luck to Prince William and Kate. May they find the love and joy I never have :(

A Disturbing Realization.

*A Warning* This is personal.

I am 64.7 inches tall. For the first 30 years of my life, I weighed 120ish pounds. I am now closer to 160. I am not fat, I have weight gain because of Celexa and the fact that I am not very active.

When I was a young adult, I used to believe that I was a cute guy. Many girls said so. The cuteness remains on some days but I don't feel cute most of the time.

Could I have been a twink? Absolutely not. I may have been skinny and cute but I AM NOT attracted to other guys. The thought sickens me. I was raised in a community where that was not very acceptable and gosh, I have always been attracted to blondes and Asian girls.

But I am growing to wonder if that was how people saw me, why I lost my virginity at the age of 24 in Austin. With her, it was so great, so natural.

The only other female I have had sex with, Malee, it was like a nightmare. I cringe when I remember it. I won't descreibe it further in respect to her. It was a mistake I will regret for the rest of my days.

I am glad I am not so young looking now. If my appearance reflected how I feel emotionally, I would be melted bones. My facial hair is graying. I can only stand to shave once a week because it freaking hurts, but it could be that Hydro razor I use.

I mean, I have a Norelco Bodygroom electric razor that I use to shave my chest, abdomen, private area and my hiney with. That does not hurt. I do not shave my arm/leg hair, they aren't so bad.

My body's skin tone is as pale as white plastic. I am kinda self conscious about that but it is part of being White I guess. Even compared to a tanned White person, I am ghostly pale.

I do not tan, I burn or get freckles. Neither of those is a good thing.

I have blue eyes, though I wear glasses and that takes away from their appeal. I wear attractive glasses and I feel I look strange without them. I have worn glasses since I was 12.

Anderson Cooper asked on Twitter, what age would you like to go back to?

I said 5 if only because it was 1980. Before all the bs. I was super-cute as a kid. I had red hair and blue eyes. My hair changed to brown over my adolecent years but part of it is still red. My hair now is a light brown color but often in daily life seems darker because I haven't washed it. I do that at night mostly.

I am 35 now. Anxiety and worry have caused stress lines and things like that. Stress hss permanently damaged my prostate gland and I must be very careful at choosing a girlfriend in the future.

I will become vegetarian soon. This is for health reasons and the fact that I am sickened by animal cruelty.

I may lose weight that way. I have gone hungry for much of 2011 and I have not lost weight. Constantly around 160 since I started taking Celexa. I started taking it at the end of 2008.

I am morbidly fascinated by the suicidal people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I might have been among them had I lived in SF when I felt suicidal a year ago.

I no longer feel suicidal but my anxiety-depression is cyclical. It comes and goes.

I have no one to talk to. I miss that. I feel uncomfortable about meeting new people. Ask them in wm 407 about me. You will hear that I am loved and also reviled depending on who you ask.

Sorry to be personal. It is one more way of expressing how I feel. I will post a nice picture in recompense.

Arp 273

In this April 20, 2011 photo provided by NASA, the Hubble Space Telescope captures a group of interacting galaxies called Arp 273. The larger of the spiral galaxies, known as UGC 1810, has a disk that is tidally distorted into a rose-like shape by the gravitational tidal pull of the companion galaxy below it, known as UGC 1813. A swath of blue jewels across the top is the combined light from clusters of intensely bright and hot young blue stars. The smaller, nearly edge-on companion shows distinct signs of intense star formation at its nucleus, perhaps triggered by the encounter with the companion galaxy. A series of uncommon spiral patterns in the large galaxy is a tell-tale sign of interaction. Arp 273 lies in the constellation Andromeda and is roughly 300 million light-years away from Earth. Hubble was launched April 24, 1990, aboard Discovery's STS-31 mission. (AP Photo/NASA)

So beautiful, isn't it? An inspiration of nature's beauty. You can learn about the Arp Catalog of Peculiar Galaxies at Wikipedia.

Sleep

For some reason, ever since I was a child, I have always needed to sleep like 10 hours at night. This did not change in my nocturnal schedule between ages 17 and 33. I guess I have a mental slowness or else my brain takes a long time to process and collimate information. It could be because of my high metabolism, which has slowed in the last few years, or because I am as some say, a sickly person.

I have slept on the same bed for like 20 years. It is now threadbare and springs poke me in the ribs when I sleep. I have not been able to afford a new one for a long time. I sleep on a twin size bed and would not have sex in my bed because it would be uncomfortable to the female.

There's really no privacy here anyway and the only privacy I really need is in the bathroom or while doing the m-thing.

When I sleep, I wear a t-shirt usually only meant to be worn at night, like those with art or printing on them. I wear solid colors, usually gray, when going out. I wear sweatpants and socks, too. That has a lot to do with the environment in which I live but I also feel uncomfortable laying down in my underwear. I wish I could wear underwear all other times but I wear briefs and that really doesn't hide anything.

Some might think this is too much to wear to sleep but I am used to it.

I have always wanted a place of my own, where I could sleep when I wanted. That doesn't seem likely but when I do actually get another job, I will seriously try for it.

I take Celexa's generic incarnation, citalopram-hydrobromide, for my anxiety problems. I reduced my prescribed dosage of 40 mg a day to 20 mg a day because I can't afford the $4 of my medicine often. My mom has to get it for me. That is sad.

Celexa makes me sleepy. It makes me bloated a little. It also has a strange effect on my sexuality, delay. I can delay as long as possible. I should be in porn, lol.

Reducing dosage has:

1. Intensified my panic-attack prone anxiety when leaving the house.
2. Altered my sleep patterns.
3. Made things seem pointless. I don't react quickly to things.

I have strange dreams, last night I was at a NHRA drag race. WTF? I don't like drag racing and would never gone and have never been to one.

The blonde woman from NY who has been in my dreams since I was a teenager shows up sometimes. I do not know who she is. I have never met her.

Jen shows up sometimes. That is painful. I still love her in some piece of my heart.

I have constant er.... when I sleep. If I wake up too soon, I can't get up until it subsides. Could be embarrassing. I thought that went away as I got older, it did not.

I cannot sleep without my radio. This has been true for 30 years. If the radio station goes off or stops playing music, I will wake up. I listen to the Fox (www.1073rocks.com) all the time.

Yes, the music affects my dreams too. I am not given to many sexual dreams but it happens every once and a while.

I do not sleep well when it is too warm. I cannot stand to be cold but in cold weather, I have many blankets and layer. I must have a pillow between my legs, which helps my prostate by spreading them and reducing pressure on the middle of my pelvic area.

BTW, seeing your pelvis on a CT scan is cool. Mine is sharply narrow, a male trait.

I don't remember seeing much else on the CT scan, you know, X-Rays go right through soft tissue. The contast fluid I had to drink, eww, imagine yogurt and spoiled milk well blended and that is what it tasted like. I hope I never have to drink it again.

Back on-topic, sleeping is nice when I can do it. I can initiate sleep by taking my med. It strikes quickly. That was a problem at walmart when I wasn't busy. I would get sleepy. It fades as my med wears off.

I would have to restore my dosage when I get a new job, perhaps even alter the times I take it, usually 12 hours apart. No telling what the effect will be.

I used to couldn't sleep during a t-storm. I hate thunderstorms. They worry/scare me. Now, it doesn't really affect me unless the weather radio goes off. That thing's beep is really loud.

I usually sleep now from 3am to 11am now. I sometimes wake up after 1pm.

I miss a lot that way. No one misses me.

Nakoruru Memory

This is Nakoruru, a character from the SNK NeoGeo game Samurai Showdown. She means something special to me, as she is my favorite fighting game character and inspired an archetype for notable female characters in my stories.

Before all that, when I was a teenager, when I did not have to work, I would go to a video store in my hometown to play the arcade version of SS. I have never seen a NeoGeo and never could find the PS port of the original SS game. Now that I am unemployed and have no money, I cannot get it.

I always picked Nakoruru because she is fast. She is liquid grace and uses a short sword which I like. I was a master with her and could beat any challenger fool that intruded on my game playing time in less than 10 seconds.

But thinking of Nakoruru, I remember my teenage days. I never thought life would be like this. I used to think that things would be cool, I could do what I want and live where I want.

I can't do anything now. It's misery. I developed anxiety disorder in my 30's. I developed chronic prostatitis in my mid 30's. Of course, I am 35 now.

I had a job when I was a teen. I worked at Winn-Dixie. A picture of me in our yearbook showed me there. I was there for 7 years. I used to think I'd always be there. Then it closed. I went on to another store, then the debacle of Y2k, after which I worked at my favorite job. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. The company I worked for is no more now.

When I was a teenager, I was addicted to soda, music, and I wrote a lot, the foundation of my story world. I have written an ongoing epic space opera since I was 18. My writing helps me chill. I try to craft better stories now, but it takes some effort not to blah blah blah the story into left field.

I wish I could still play SS. It would remind me of simpler days. I posted a picture of her, the shrine maiden from Hokkaido.

I wonder if Hokkaido was damaged in the earthquake/tsunami. I hope not.

How silly that a video game character affected me so. There's not a lot to my life.

About the C

Ha ha, I admit to a porn addiction. This started near the beginning with my relationship with Jen, who is as frigid as a spring day on Pluto. I am particular to what I like and I won't share that but I will say my favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova.

Over the years, I always thought Playboy was the thing. I mean, it defines the men's magazine, likely the most read of them. However, over the last few years, I have got copies of it that do not show the C. Hardly anything in the pubic area.

What is the most beautiful part of a woman? To me, it is proportion. But I like all parts of them.

What is the C? Clitoris. The clitoris is a structure in the same place and from the same origin tissue as what develops into a penis in the male should it be a male fetus.

What is a vagina but a deep dark hole? I am reminded of my time with Malee, who reinforced that opinion. She wouldn't let me see, took my glasses. I can't see more than inches away clearly without them. Why be shy about your genitals?

We all have them. It doesn't matter how big, small, colored, pale, shaped, or asymmetric it is. This is true for both genders. I feel that Victorian-ism, which was Prince Albert's fault, actually, still stains civilization with prudishness and ignorance.

That is not to say that showing them off is proper in a public setting.

I admit that I wish I had been born a girl. I do not feel confusion about my gender but I have sensitivity, empathy, and shyness like a girl. I am not feminine in any way however.

Why is this? It could be the root cause of my anxiety disorder, an overly-sensitive personality. I have always been overly-sensitive.

I do not like other guys. I don't like to look at them and I don't like associating with them.
It can be that I relate poorly to other males, or there is an implied threat, or just because the lot are stupid smelly creatures.

I am not shy about my body, other than the belly I have, of which something can be done about. I am also cursed with androgenic hair in many places.

My prostatitis and the treatments for it has all but ruined any propriety, sensitivity, or inhibition I had.

Anyway, I subscribe to Penthouse, which does show the C and that is why I subscribe to it. I am not looking for sick porn but I am looking for beautiful examples of femininity.

Ha ha. Let's see you talk about such things.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had no net access. I have this rare chance to post so I am taking it.

Things have been sad. I have never been hungry in my life and yet over the last six months, I have had far less to eat than normal. This is because there is no money here. I have no job and I can't trust that my Anxiety Disorder won't act up if I go for a new job. I need to talk with the doctor but cost is the issue.

I check messages on a cell phone that isn't mine. Mine is a prepay Go Phone but I have no minutes. I have had a Go Phone since the year 2000, but like 3 different phones from it. I now have an LG smart phone. It is great but took some getting used to. I have a love-hate relationship with AT&T.

My prostatic pain has intensified. I hurt badly when I pee, and even worse when I do the other. This is because the colon/rectum is literally right next to the prostate gland in a male. Again, I can't go to the urology doctor, the cost, and I have no car to get to Temple, which is some distance away from the rural wasteland. I don't like driving that far. I sort of sit on the prostate in a soft seat like a car seat. Lord forbid if I have to pee and have to hold it. The more I hold, the worse it hurts getting it out. It is reminiscent of the first time I had to pee after the uro-scope, that fiber-optic medical tool put through my peeny and into my bladder. Did it hurt? Yes, but a nurse injected a sedative in my peeny and I did not feel it until it was well into my urinary tract. Even then, 2 years after the fact, I cringe when I remember that pain. The pain is similar to what I feel now when I pee.

Why am I mentioning this? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am uncomfortable in jeans now. I wear sweatpants most of the time, which I used to never do.

I have not felt suicidal thankfully. I am writing more now and have written a dozen stories since I last posted here.

I am fed up with my FB friends. Simple minded twits. Mind that all but 2 of them were my classmates from our hometown. I am on Spore, ( arthelius-ghost ) and little else anymore.

I take Celexa still. I wonder if I could live without it. I doubt that. I still have panic attacks in certain situations. I do not leave the house normally. When I go outside, I am not bothered. I have lived here for 12 years. When I go somewhere, it is usually to familiar places. Even then, I am uncomfortable in a walmart, which was where my mental illness began.

I have not set foot in wm 407 since April 26th of 2010 and ain't likely to even after the end of time.

I hope to go to a wm closer to my house, like in my hometown.

I am still here, don't worry about me. I will post more as opportunity allows.