Self-Misandry

I have a constant pain in my pelvic area. Sometimes it intensifies. If you read enough of this blog, you know that I have prostate issues.

Why? I am too sensitive, have been since I was a kid. I don't know why, it is natural for me. I am very shy, always have been. I developed anxiety disorder and agoraphobia in my mid 30's. Stress taken too far.

Why? I have empathy. I like to help people, I am sweet and a good friend.

I believe I was not meant to be male. I am male and there is no changing that but when my soul came to me, it may have been a female soul. I have always believed that. I am too sensitive to discuss this in person.

I post pictures of my parts because I hate them. I hate them and the organs that continually produce this poison that makes me grow body hair and desire.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a big distinction.

If you think being male is great, you are sadly mistaken. Sometimes, it is far harder than you think, shame, despair, just feeling ineffectual.

I hate shaving, it hurts. Cuts. I have to wait a day for the cuts to heal to go anywhere. I have a new bodygroom electric razor for my body. Can't use it on face. Seems all right to use it on a far more sensitive area like a scrotum. Doesn't make sense to me.

I don't hate myself, I hate what I am.

Curiousity

I am curious about who reads this blog. Indonesia? Really? I don't know anyone from that part of the world.

Can you not comment and say 'hi'?

Why just read what I post? My life is a boring one. I write about personal things and things that interest me. If you go back in the archive, you can see the Storm of Jen, my troubles that led me to leave walmart now over 3 years ago.

I rarely go outside unless it is at night, the sky is clear and stars are great here. I took out some garbage a few hours ago and saw the Milky Way spread across the sky, our galaxy. Huge, swirly, dominant.

Astronomy is my first and deepest love.

I don't really have a social life. I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia.

I write stories, I play games, I always listen to music.

Outside of cooking and other tasks, I do not do much more than that.

I have gotten where I can drive again. 5 years ago this month, I was in a car accident. I was not hurt but my anxiety became much worse. I almost committed suicide in August of 08. I don't feel like that now but I am melancholy by nature.

If you want to know more about me, I mean, if you read this blog, you pretty much know about me, let me know.

It is kind of rude to visit and not say 'hi'.

Injured Deer

This white-tailed deer was on the driveway not far from my house this morning. It was badly hurt by either a car, the highway is not far from this area, or something else.





Its horns were damaged and the right forward leg was mangled. It did not react when I approached it. It likely was in some agony.

I didn't know what to do about it so I went to sleep, as it was late for me.

The local sheriff's office came out and dispatched the deer out of mercy. It is sad but what can you do? I took this picture at about 740am so the sun was just coming up.

Poor Miley

This is Miley Cyrus at the much hyped I Heart Radio festival. I know this because I listen to an I Heart Radio station.

I only dimly knew of Miley Cyrus. She became famous as some sort of actress during my time at wm, when I did not watch much tv.




I did see pictures and such of her then and thought, she's a girl, cool, girls are cool, she's all right.

Then recent behavior, then this .... what is this? A cry for attention? Making up for a short-coming? Something to feed the need to shock much like Lady Gaga or Madonna before her?


I don't care about celebrity news and gossip. It's all fluff.

I comment on feminine beauty in my blog and ordinarily, Miley has it, but not here. She would get arrested in my home town for wearing that openly. It bothers me. Why does a girl have to debase herself to get attention?

Myself, I hate attention. It ruffles my anxiety feathers.

Super Typhoon Usagi

This is Super Typhoon Usagi. That land you see is the top of Luzon in the Philippines. This monster is huge and packs major Category 4 winds.

Look out for the islands and for China.

This beast is heading west-northwest.


It is a symmetrical storm, but can't appreciate its beauty when people are in danger.

Underwear 3

I have been trying different underwear because some of it hurts my prostate pain.

I discovered this one online store, Brief Tales, which offers and says guys should wear panties. They sent me some in a bonus pack and I tried them. Oh, should I admit that I enjoyed it?

Don't think for a moment that this feminizes me because I wore panties. It felt better than the heavy cotton fabric of normal briefs. The C-IN2 Core briefs are still my favorite. They are made of something that is not cotton but some kind of artificial fiber. Whatever, they feel good.

I ordered some more panties, just to see if I can wear them. They don't hurt me and keep my maleness secure unlike male cut briefs. I do not like having an erection to be honest. It is an annoyance.

This is not, repeat, not a sexual thing. I don't understand that whole underwear sex thing myself. It seems ridiculous.

Don't count on a picture of me in panties. They are not very good in hiding the shape of the maleness. I wear male small size briefs, female size 5. If it doesn't hurt, I like it.

I will only wear them during the early part of my laundry cycle. My C-IN2 briefs are black.

This will be the last post on underwear. I'll talk about something later.

Hurricane Humberto

This is Hurricane Humberto, way out in the eastern Atlantic.

It's a good swirl specimen. It is not forecasted to hit any land so it is not a worry. Just enjoy the picture

Stupid FedEx

I am expecting two packages from HP. One contains printer ink and a laptop case, the other is my new desktop computer.

FedEx is shipping them and they can't find my house. Whatever. They used to be able to. They used to come here occasionally.

I cannot explain enough how to find where I live. I left my phone number with them so they can call me. They have yet to do so. I don't know why things have to be so hard.

I hardly got any sleep as I should be sleeping now. This is stupid.

Sad Feelings

I have a sad component to my anxiety disorder. This is melancholia sadness, no direct cause. Things happen to make me sad. Stressing my patience is one of these.

Normally, I am a patient person. However, lack of response whether from online shopping to a bad ant problem here, it grinds on my anxiety.

I have a persistent toothache. I have damaged teeth and don't like to talk about them.

My male pain is also persistent. I don't know what my prostate's problem is. I have tried to avoid stress. But stress is part of anxiety and I feel anxiety all the time.

I have a hard time going somewhere. I would like to travel but I don't know if I can. I just cannot deal with difference and unfamiliar places.

I feel sad when I think of Jen. Or when I cannot write my stories. I have been having trouble focusing. It started when I started taking celexa again. I am not taking my med, probably not good but I do not like its side effects.

I just feel sad, melancholy.

Anxiety at the Store

I drink OJ every day. It is like a health thing. I am prone to being sick but haven't been in over a year. I didn't go anywhere to catch something.

So, I went to the store to get that and some other things. The new store in a neighboring town is huge, can't find anything in it. I went looking for the forzen pizzas and could not find them right away. When I did find them, I opened the case door and picked one, pepperoni, my favorite kind of pizza. When I picked it up, five more spilled out onto the floor. Two girls were walking by and made a snide remark, bitches. I picked up the spilled pizzas and put them back.

Then I go to check out and they were looking at me funny? Is it my new glasses or what? I don't have any facial blemishes at the moment and I did wash my hair before leaving.

Damn it.

The big store did not have any cooking like I was asked to get so I went to the wm not far from it. I am very familiar with that wm, having shopped in it for over 10 years. That anxiety wound up again when I was walking.

Understand something. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh around 153 lbs. I could lose some weight but I am not fat. The rest of me is fit. Just my belly.

I am not a big guy by any measure. I feel self-conscious, like a Hobbit amongst regular sized people. Sure, there are a lot of girls my size but I am not a girl. I am not comfortable in any wm to begin with. I served my time in one of the busiest of all wm's. I have not been back in 3 years. Never again.

Is it my jeans? I wore a dark blue shirt left over from my wm wear. Yes, that shirt is 4 years old but it's in good shape. What is it that makes people look at me?

I couldn't breathe ordering tea at the chicken place. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't talk for a moment. Too long without something to drink. That happens too often.

I will just give up going somewhere by myself. I just can't do it. Anxiety is would too tightly around my soul.

If you are so inclined, show some love. I could use some.

TS Lorena

This is Tropical Storm Lorena, threatening the Mexican coast presently. It looks like a mess but harsh rain, winds, flooding. Tropical systems are a lot of trouble if one is under one. I have never been but Tx is no stranger to them

I haven't found a good symmetrical storm to appreciate but hurricane season is hardly midway through.

My New Glasses

These are my new glasses. Forgive my appearance, I take my shower around 2:30am every night. In the daytime, I pretty much look like this. Yes, I am looking older, I don't like that.

Entropy, you know?

Do you like them?

Underwear 2

I talk about underwear because I like it. I try different brands of briefs and currently like C-IN2 BaseFlex briefs best right now. I am wearing a white pair of them right now.

I have looked for good underwear for a long time. When I worked at wm, it helped my anxiety unwind if I focused on what feels good.

What feels good? If you read this blog, you know I have chronic non-bacterial prostatitis. It is stress-damaged. Not sick. It can get sick with a bacterial infection if I don't do things like the m-thing occasionally. If it was a sin, why did the urologist tell me to do it more? I can't do it more. It hurts if I do it often.

I like snug fitting briefs. I don't like my maleness, actually, and I like not to be conscious of it. If it is secured in place, and doesn't brush against fabric like wearing boxers would, that is okay with me.

I wear white or gray or black underwear according to my laundry cycle. I am still trying new kinds of briefs. I don't mind buying underwear. I mean, unless you are a much different person from me, you always wear underwear.

What did you come here for? I wonder most about who reads this blog. I talk about things about me that I don't tell anyone in person. Like who needs to know about my like of underwear?

I need to lose some weight and I will look :) in my underwear.

TS Kino

I was waiting to talk about this one but it is moving into unfavorable waters and atmospheric conditions.


The land you see to the left is Baja California. This beast is out in the Pacific and not a threat to anyone, assuming the are no boats in the area.

Even as a tropical storm, it looks cool.

Underwear

I wear briefs. I never was comfortable in anything else. I usually color coordinate with my socks and shirt. I have a pattern to what I wear. I shave once a week, it hurts my face to do it more often. This also resets what I call my laundry cycle.

After I shave, I wear white, white, then gray, darker gray, then black and black. I have a variable dark purple shirt work in the black end of the cycle. I am wearing it now. Yes, I wear purple, not because I am that way, but because I associate it with my mental illness.

I recently bought a bunch of underwear online. You can't get the good stuff at wm, you know. I like C-IN2 the most. It doesn't constrict but does feel secure. I mean, you can see a bulge there, well, yes. I am a boy. Boy, who's 37.

I am not shy about my underwear. I'd post a picture of it but my blog isn't about such pictures. Would you enjoy it if I did?

Is it weird that I color-coordinate? Have a color cycle to my wardrobe? If I was a girl, I'd always match my bra and panties. It is the way I am. I don't feel right wearing black underwear and white socks.

I imagine that doesn't bother most people. They wear whatever. I am just particular about that.