Political

I am of Democratic beliefs. I am not terribly liberal. I hate Conservatist obstructionists.

I am pro-choice, because denying anything like a medical procedure is wrong. I have no children. I am not sensitive to arguments about children.

I avoid political discussions usually, they tickle my anxiety something awful.

I am not female. I do not know really what makes the decision to abort a pregnancy. I am sensitive and have empathy for a hurt female. That decision has to hurt. A girl wouldn't be human if she did not regret. Yes, there are some who wouldn't care but I don't believe many are like that.

If a female decides to do this, she should have access to clean facilities and real doctors to ensure she won't have to go to somewhere dirty and risk life-threatening illness.

You may or may not know. I am a Texan. The morons in Austin seek to deny this safe and clean way to have this done. Is that not harmful? Making a female have a child, is that right?

Yes, it is her fault. Why couldn't she be content with masturbation? Getting pregnant is an alignment of sex and fertility. Takes two.

I have had only two sex affairs in my life. I did not make either of my girlfriends pregnant. It isn't that hard.

I do blame males. Bastards. If sex was not the driving force of your un-evolved mind, perhaps you would be more successful.

Do not look at me, I have a mental illness. I am content with the m-thing. Anxiety prevents me from the real thing.

TS Flossie

This is TS Flossie, out between California and Hawaii.

I am posting this now because this is as nice as it will look. It's about to move over cooler water and dry air shear that will tear it apart. Enjoy this natural beauty.

TS Dorian

This is Tropical Storm Dorian, still way out in La Atlantica.












I was waiting for it to become symmetrical and beautiful before posting a picture of it but the forecasts seem to agree that it will dissipate before reaching the US area.

I guess that's a good thing.

Sleeping

I have a hideously uncomfortable bed. I have slept on it since I was a young teenager. It is a simple twin sized bed. I never had sex on it so that was not an issue.

Its springs poke despite two foam pads on it. Three fitted sheets. I don't bother with a top sheet.

I have a lot of blankets. I can't tolerate being cold.

However, it is summer here now and it gets warm in here. You know I sleep in a shirt, sweatpants and I have to wear socks, I can't stand to be barefooted. Bad experiences with that.

I do sweat and my hair gets oily and I hate that. I wash it if I have to go anywhere.

I sleep in the daytime, mainly because I have always been a nocturnal person. I usually sleep for over 8 hours but recently, it's like seven hours. The med I take fiddles with serotonin levels and that makes one sleepy. When it hits me, I have to lay down. I can't function being super tired.

I have a pillow between my legs when I sleep. This started because my legs when they are close together, hurt my prostate. I sleep on my side so this is an issue.

I have a fan on in here, drawing cool air in from the air conditioned room. This doesn't allow for privacy but what do I have to hide?

Bird Girl?

Don't ask me how but in looking at things to inspire story ideas, I happened across an article about Koo Koo the Bird Girl.

I don't want to post a picture of her. I talk about feminine beauty and Koo Koo did not have it.

Apparently, she was featured in an old movie called 'Freaks'. I have never seen this, barely have ever heard of it.

A long time ago, my dad said my grandfather took a dim view of freak shows and never allowed him to go. I don't remember my dad ever taking me to one. Not that such things are all that.

Back in the old days, people seemed to take advantage of others' misfortunes. You can see this in freak shows, what happened in Europe back then, nuclear testing in the American West.

If Koo Koo, real name Minnie, had some gnarly congenital deformity, it should have been treated with sensitivity, not a subject of scorn and profit.

Oh, what do I know? That all happened way before I was born.

I can do way worse things in stories and make a real bird girl. I don't portray freak shows but the beauty of speculative fiction is that one can do that.

I still would not go to a freak show. The idea actually bothers me.

About This Background

You may wonder what is up with this background. About two years ago, I discovered Colour Lovers where one can make patterns and create colors. I made this pattern, like the 20th I've made. 

It is supposed to represent my interest in the sky, astronomy.

I thought it looks cool but I don't know. 

This pattern is called 'Stellar Pattern', made specifically for my blog. The yellowish color is Pale Aureus, a color I 'discovered'. 

I don't have children or happy things to write about so the black is fitting. 

Princess Kate

I know Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge as Princess Kate. I don't think she meets the standard for feminine beauty as say, Luba S does. 

However, she may be as sweet as a sugar kiss. I don't know, I am likely never going to meet her. In fact, outside of going to the store, I have not seen a beautiful female in a long time. There are plenty who are not. Every girl has a redeeming feature. No, it's not her sex, all of them can do that, it could be her wit, her intelligence, sense of humor, personality. 

Princess Kate has been refined, taught how to be a princess. She doesn't have the natural grace Princess Diana had but had to learn it. I wonder where William found her..

I hope she has her baby without incident. I hope it is a girl. Maybe they can call her Victoria. That would be funny. We could have then have a Victoria II. Isn't likely though.

Some British girls, I saw a film about a school in the UK in which one of the students was a killer. They can either be super cute or softly hideous. Some have a manner as course as the dirt road outside here. Others are as sweet and delightful as many here are. 

Speaking of a course manner, I know some girls as course as sand rubbed in  your skin. 

How can I speak of this? I  think of Jen, who does meet that standard of beauty, Has a wit, some intelligence, but a manner as course as busted glass. It is in the way she eats, how she speaks, what she says, her irascible nature. It was easy to tell her time of the month, which she calls a 'curse'. She is as frigid as intergalactic space. 

No, Princess Kate is not ugly. She seems funny, a normal girl taught to be a princess. I hope she will be okay and I'm sure she will be a good mother. 

What do I know? I don't have children nor a personal female interest in my life. Could that change? I really don't know. 

I know from writing about princesses, the life isn't easy. 

Hey, neither is living with anxiety disorder.

Rancor

I have no opinion on what happens in Florida. It is a terrible place for letting CA be acquitted. As the sea level rises because of CO2 in the atmosphere, Florida will increasingly be subsumed by the sea. Maybe that isn't so bad.

I have thought since this TM situation happened that the boy was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe he shouldn't have been shot, what is it with freaking guns? I don't own a gun and never will.

I think the whole situation is stupid. Major cities going bankrupt, restupidcan politicians put ideology before good governance. Hey, didn't you know why it is so hot in places it isn't usually so hot in?

No, I won't mention Climate Change in my blog. You are stupid if you think it isn't happening. Maybe the Earth is returning to a Cretaceous climate, no ice on the planet then.

But then, what happened when the Cretaceous ended? Whatever it was, Ankylosaurs, Tyrannosaurs, raptors, etc.... saw it happen, witnessed their own doom.

What is ours?

Extremely Personal

I have mentioned my anxiety disorder many times. I take a medicine for it, citalopram (better known as Celexa). Celexa helps me by blunting the constant panic/worry I feel. It changes me by making me less sharp mentally and making me sleepy all the time.

However, by far and away, the most irritating side effect is the delayed-orgasm effect it has.

No, I do not have a girlfriend. Jen effect, you know.

I have to release ever so often. It is because of my prostate. If it is not cleared, it can gather bacteria and become infected. This is no joke and it freaking hurts. Antibiotics are NOT fun either. I have taken three in the past for this.

Dr. H, the urologist told me to release ever so often. It hurts, like right after the release. It feels like someone kneaded my prostate gland. It hurts to pee afterward as well, like someone took a brillo pad and scraped out the inside of my urinary tract.

I learned in my last sexual experience that it hurts to go in and out, causing stress on my prostate. Celexa afftected that too. I never did finish.

So I can't finish now, when usually, it's not a problem. My most naughty movie does stimulate but something is not working. It is this damned medicine. I cannot not take it. I don't want to feel panicky all the time.

My prostate gland has hurt badly for several days now. I believe drinking Coca-Cola caused it as the urologists said, soda causes irrititation. I cannot go see them. I do not currently have health insurance. They won't see me without it.

What kind of doctor is that?

I don't know what to do about this, to be honest. It is the worst pain, you know, when it hurts to pee. How often do you pee? Imagine if it hurt every time you went like it does for me.

Haircut Anxiety

Yesterday, from the perspective of when this was written, I had my hair cut.

I went to my hometown, to the place where I have had it cut for a long time. 

For most of my life, my hair was cut by a friendly female who moved to SA the year after I graduated hs.

I went to a general hair salon afterward. Yet, when I went there yesterday, the door was locked 1 hour and 10 minutes before closing time. Was it closed or out of business? I am thinking because this is the week that my hometown's festival starts, maybe they were on vacation. No sign saying this, typical indifference to customers on the part of small businesses. 

I drove around my hometown, my anxiety making me uncomfortable. I couldn't find a place that just cuts male hair. All salons. I don't feel comfortable in those.

So I drove to the next town over, 17 miles away, and went to a national chain hair cut shop. It makes me angry. I had the longest hair I have ever had in my 37 years, was extremely uncomfortable with it, and when I do have the money to get it cut, the ones who know me were not there. 

An old man told me when I was a child that boys should not have long hair. I have always believed that. 

I feel better now. What do you think? I just took this picture. 

My Anxiety

About my anxiety disorder. 

I am able to go to some places, familiar places. If no one touches me or gets in my space, I'm okay. I don't like attention. I am a ghost, that is, someone rarely seen. I don't go out other than to go to the store. Not an easy thing for me. 

My hands shake when my anxiety is stroked. How to hide this from others? Show my fear? My fear is uncontrollable. I cannot not feel anxiety. It is part of me.

I went to a familiar place yesterday. I can drive okay but I feel a sick tightening in my stomach and prostate. This hurts physically. 

I am going to the doctor now that I have the money to pay for it and I will get  a new med. I am also going to get my prostate checked (something NOT fun) and ask about exercising. 

I have a belly, I have a high sugar diet, my freaking insatiable sweet tooth. I drink sweet tea most of the time.

I cannot drink much soda. It hurts my prostate like the urologists said it would. I drank a 1 liter Coca-Cola earlier and really hurt because of it. That is sad because I like it so. 

I weigh 68 kilos, which is average for me over the past five years. 

Now what would you think? A 37-year-old guy who can't really go outside?

Never married, only had two girlfriends over my lifetime, not looking like I will have another one. It is too much trouble or else, I have not met the right one.  Isn't going to happen here.

My anxiety makes that tough, too. I can't look at a female because I am anxious and seemingly weak. Not a good first impression.

Jen left an indelible mark on my heart. I am not so easy to trust again.

My anxiety protects me this way. 

TS Chantal

You can see it near the bottom of this satellite image. A future hurricane.

It does not yet show the symmetrical beauty that I like so in tropical cyclones, but it will.

I'll post a picture of it again should it become a hurricane, which is likely. 

I Am Back

I am back online. My anxiety disorder has qualified for SS benefits. It is that bad, entwined in my soul. My hands shake. I sweat. I feel scared, panicky. 
For those who have read this blog over the years, you have seen how it has grown worse and worse, left untreated by doctors. I saw a psychologist who diagnosed me and he said that was stupid of those other doctors. He was right. My doctor doesn't give a damn about me and I must go see him to get a new med for my problem.

My male problem is linked with the stress caused by this feeling. A constant pain radiating from the center of my pelvis. It hurts to pee, to do #2. I can't have sex because it hurts. I do the m-thing, but that hurts, too.

I don't know what I am going to do. I feel just badly like that. This SS benefit will help so much. I have been without things, deodorant, mouthwash, etc... I need new shoes, new clothes. I mean, there are holes developing in my socks and my underwear. If I had any skill, I'd sew them up myself but I don't have the skill.

I would imagine if I had been a girl, my beloved grandmother would have taught me. Not as a boy.

I am back online and will update this more often again. I can't wait for some more wicked hurricane pictures. Not that hurricanes are good things, they display natural symmetry and the swirl of low pressure beauty.

Arthelius has been away for a while. We'll hear from him soon.