Yes, I am Hurting

My right hip has arthritis. It hurts more when it is cold. 

This insignificant to my anxiety and grief pain.

I do not want to end my life. I have many stories yet to write. I have the promise of Sala. But it is too hard and may take a long time. 

A long time I may not have. Anyone feels anxiety about money. Normally being broke does not bother me but this time it is different. I have no help from my sister.

I am afraid of applying for food help. What does that mean if I cannot take care of myself because my SS benefit is too small?

I adjusted to a cheaper insurance plan with more benefits but it doesn't take effect for two months. 

I am hurting intensely mentally. I do not know how I can deal with this. No one wants to help. What's the point in asking?

Maybe I am unwanted. No one likes me that way. Sala? She shows indifference sometimes. 

Instead, she can come to my grave. 

I cannot deal with living like this. The tv bill wasn't paid so I will lose it sometime later in the month. There is not a cheaper plan. I looked. What's the point? Nothing appeals to me anymore. 

I cannot watch movies because I get anxiety and upset. Even ones I know like Rambo. 

The cold causes cedar to pollinate. It wasn't cold enough yet but winter hasn't begun yet. We are barely into the Autumn. 

I will not hurt myself yet but I cannot promise it won't happen. Hurting like this is tough.  

Uncertainty Pain

So begins the month of my birth. 

I have an unknown amount of birthdays left, if things keep happening. 

My mom's death has devastated my budget. I am broke mere hours after I received my SS benefit. This is not supposed to happen. 

I worry a lot. It is my nature to. But I am reminded that my mom is gone every day. 

I have not found a way to deal with it. 

I hate being human. I should have been a monkey and gone a long time ago.

But Fate is cruel like this. 

I cannot promise I will be there in the future. I feel more despair every day. 

How much is enough? None of my medications are right to do what MM did. Though taking a 3 month supply of venlafaxine might do the trick. Don't think I have not thought of it. 

I cannot 'not' feel this. I am mentally ill. 3 different psychologists said so. Asking someone to get over it is an insult and inconsiderate. 

I cannot live broke for 30 days. I can't do laundry. My quarters for the water machine will run out. I may have food insecurity later in the month. 

I gave up my loan because it became too expensive. It went to getting my laptop, ev even if it is a repurposed business one. 

I know I will need a new computer in 2025 when Windows 10 is cancelled. That short sighted and insensitive decision should get the CEO fired forthwith. Millions of computers become electronic waste, the worst kind of pollution. 

I have anxiety about this. 

I have anxiety about life after my mom, which I thought I could not survive.

I may not.  

Improving

While I am subject to powerful grief, I remember how bad my mom's pain was and all the things she suffered in her life. Few could have survived what she did. 

But don't get me wrong. I recognize that I have a lot of years to go and if it isn't cut short by potential colon cancer. I will live to 2050 to see the so-called 'singularity'. 

I expect that elder care will improve by the time I am elderly in the 2040s. 

But I will always have gout and anxiety disorder. 

I matured some after my dad was gone. I may have matured more now. I am getting my personality back but I don't need my grief provoked. 

I will always miss my mom. 

I will be here if anyone wants to talk. I am not social but I do like to talk. I have a hard time on a video call. 

I don't like to talk on the phone. I never have. 

An Admission

 Two years ago, my mom was in the hospital for bacterial pneumonia. She recovered. But was in the hospital for 42 days. 

In that time, the hope she would return helped me. 

Then she got sick with the same thing. I do not know the cause. I am not sick. I had a light case of pneumonia as a teenager after working in the rain. I know how tough it is. But it didn't cause death. With treatment, it doesn't always cause death. 

Instead my mom had congestive heart failure after they over-hydrated her. I do not know all the details but my sister does. She will have to handle this. I cannot.

I am falling apart mentally. I have anxiety all the time despite my medication. 

I have moments of extreme grief.

In January of 2015, my dad told me to always take care of her. 

I failed. My mom got sick and she's gone.

This hurts so much. 

I thought two years ago I would not be able to take it if my mom was gone. I was right. 

I always thought I would go when she did. Like Robert E Howard did when his mom died.

But I can't. I have Sala. I have my classmate Dwayne. Why cause them the feeling I have?

I will always have stories to write. I will always have my music. 

But they are not helping. Spore isn't helping. Nothing is. 

I don't know what I will do. I am facing bills that will take all my benefit to pay. What way is this to live?

 I don't want help. Well, not financially. I will need help with my mom's things.  

This pain will never go. Even if me and Sala have our own family. It depends on too much drama. But it has to be done. 

My mom told me that I would be okay. How? She knew I am mentally fucked up. 

I can't live by myself. My anxiety disorder will kill me. 

Not too soon. 

New Angel

 My mom has passed away. Someone who has been there all my life. Now she is gone and her rest is deserved after all the pain she had been through, physically and emotionally. My dad was gone and her best friend was gone and then her back had many problems. 

She would not want me to break down. She would say it is okay but it's not.

I knew this was a potential. I knew she had been sick. 

Now it's just me and my sister and we have a rocky relationship. 

I do not know what I will do. The suicidal thoughts will return when the shock fades. 

I do not know if I can deal with her service. 

I will be here. I have to do laundry but not hers. Not anymore. I could break down. 

I need help. I cannot deal with this. I can barely write. She is with my dad again. 

She earned her angel's halo. 

Another

My mom is in the hospital again. Unlike before, this is an existential thing.

I must say I have never been too far from her. She needs the help but also my mental stability. 

I never had a life of my own. I don't have a female love nor children. I don't really contribute to the Greater Good. 

So I have recurrent suicidal thinking. I won't do it yet. I have to believe my mom will get better.

I don't have stability. I try to do my normal things and it causes a lot of emotional pain  because my mom is not there. 

It is unseemly for a guy to cry. Fuck that patriarchal bs. I do cry. It hurts a lot. 

I know she will be gone one day. I do not know if I will survive that. 

I am here. I am not going to hurt myself but the feeling is there. I don't want to cause anyone pain like I feel. A lot of people know me but do not know this.

Then this war in Israel bothers me. That and water scarcity like we had when rthe single water feed pipe for the whole town ruptured. It's fixed but no one trusts the water. Then the lake is drying up because it's been so dry. You can count on one hand how many times it has rained here since the beginning of the year. 

That's going to continue. Humanity cannot be changed. So the Earth will change to wipe us out. Just think of next summer when it's 130 degrees outside. 

No other species deserves extinction more. 

Regardless

I did laundry at the laundromat today. I ran out of quarters so some things did not dry but my agoraphobia is stronger than waiting for it.

Why does every do laundry on Mondays? Doesn't anyone have a job? 

Then it's like rudeness. People look at you like you have a yellow chicken suit on. 

Looks, attention, that affects my anxiety most. I have panic sweat and it was 67 outside. 

I think most people have meaningless lives. They contribute nothing and nothing matters to them. 

I have distain for other people. You work in a busy store and see how you feel. Working for Walmart ruined my life.

Say what you will to say you matter. You don't. No one truly does.

We should have remained australopithecines. Or better yet, not apes at all. Human was a big mistake and whatever extinctes us came 1000s of years too late.