Defense Mechanism

If you know anything about me, I love music. It is part of my life. I could not live without it. My radio is never off, I have 1000s of cd's. Days and days of music in my computer.

I listen to my computer through Skullcandy Hesh II headphones because it was what I could afford. It isn't bad at all, I am content with them.

I had a very dark moment, felt tears but a song played and this song helps so much. I found it on a compilation album in Amazon's digital music thingy.

When it played, I thought, I am here, maybe for a reason. After nearly four decades of life, I have not found it yet.

My interests are varied but heavy in science and history.

I don't know if you would like it but you can hear the song here Let It Be

Don't worry about me. I will be okay. I will get back to normal when I am not hungry and feeling this way.

Feeling

I could go out and hang myself right now. I am feeling that way. But I have things I want to do. It is only a few days when I can go to the store and get my hair cut and finally do my laundry.

I hate being male.
I hate other peoples' apathy
I hate physical pain in my pelvic area
I hate breathing
I hate peeing
I hate anxiety I cannot control.

What does this mean? Has it come to the breaking point? Not really. I lack the materials needed to hang myself. I can remedy this in a few days.

I have no children, no love, no family of my own. I turn 40 a year from my b-day this year.

I may not look it but I am older. I feel it. Of course, that can be inactivity. Do you think I am going out into the sunlight to 'exercise'? You must be joking.

Near the beginning of the month, I received the new issue of 'Archaeology'. I said I will read it when I do my laundry. It has rested on that table for almost a whole month, the time in which I have not been able to do my laundry.

If I killed myself, laundry wouldn't matter. Nothing would, hardly a change from what life is like for me now.

I wouldn't leave without saying goodbye.

Ouch

I shave every Tuesday or so, Hate Sunday next time because I have to go to the store that night.

I was too warm, this summer refuses to let go. Should have been cold by now but nope, I need to wash my warm clothes. Haven't worn them since April.

As yet again, I cannot get a ride to the Laundromat and laundry has become huge so I doubt if I have enough money to do it. I use 2 machines, one for towels and pants and one for everything else.

I use 2 dryers the same way. I may have to use three if it is too huge. I will get a laundry bag for my warm clothes.

My male pain is very bad but to get tmi for a moment, I have an ant bite on my anal area. The left side of the orifice is swollen a little bit. I didn't notice this until I took a shave check picture. Can't post it here without making my blog an 'adult' one and you know, my cousin reads this. I don't want to be too exposed.

Instead, you can see my face Shave Check image. I was distracted by a game show on tv and cut... fool.

Distress

I have a cyclical problem. it is related to my anxiety disorder like all of my problems are. I said I would not post complaints here again but this isn't a complaint, this is an expression of the pain I feel.

I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.

Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.

I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).

I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.

My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.

I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?

Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.

I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.

I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.

Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.

This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.

Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.

I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.

This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.

I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.

I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.

When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.

So Angry

I don't use the phrase 'pissed-off' ever but I am using it now because I am.

I have mentioned on several occasions in the past that I cannot sleep without my radio. It is something I have done since I was child, it will be something I will do until I am gone.

What happened? The local electric power cooperative shut off the power some time between 7 am and it came back on just before 12 pm. The stated reason was to perform upgrades to their power system. Maybe it won't be so threadbare.

I have said we haven't had a bad thunderstorm go through here in some time. We have had big wind and small hail but not la tormenta, the supercell storms.

In one of those types of storms, the power usually always goes out. Sitting in the dark, scared enough that you would pee in your pants. Storms like that stroke my anxiety with a wire bbq grill cleaning brush.

I did not get much sleep, like 2 hours. I woke up because my radio was off. I feel like hell. I didn't want to shave but I did because I need to flip to the 'white-gray' part of my color pattern which is suffering mightily because I can't get a ride to the Laundromat to wash my dirty clothes.

Feelings will moderate and I will chill. Being angry causes stress which damaged my prostate gland. I was angry at wm a lot when I worked there.

I am sorry if my shave check picture reflects this. I am still angry.

So

It wasn't a Hate Sunday other than a negative NASCAR race's ending. I won't discuss car racing here.

I watched Payton Manning throw his record setting passes. It was a pleasure to watch. I never stopped liking football. I just hide it because an anti-football person lives here.

I did get too warm. I still have no way to do my laundry. It is building up. I have a pretty good wardrobe but I am running out of socks.

I feel okay but when I woke up today and sat up, I saw stars. This isn't good. What is up with my brain now? Not only is it stricken with the inability to do even simple math, it is anxiety-ridden.

I have been playing Spore a lot because it amuses me. I don't know why. Maybe because I have had it for so long.

I will say that I am okay for now. I will write about the sugar crisis later.

Hurricane Gonzalo

This is Category 3 Hurricane Gonzalo.

It is in the Atlantic Ocean, those islands in this picture being the Bahamas and Hispaniola.

It is heading north-northwestward at 5 mph, about to be deflected by a trough in the Eastern USA. That will put it on a more northerly track and cause it to come close to or hit the island of Bermuda.

The eye is fluctuating, causing the intensity of this cyclone to fluctuate. It will soon pass into drier air and over sharply colder water within a few days, becoming extra-tropical.

I am sorry it is not a beautiful RGB image. The RGB feed had a sharp distortion in it.

I hope Bermuda is spared the worst and no one is hurt.

Not a Bad Picture

I shave every Tuesday or so. It is getting colder and soon I will have to think of a way of not freezing as I stand there in my underwear splashing water on my skin. Not to mention that the shave gel is cold, so is the aftershave lotion.

I take shave check pictures before applying the aftershave.

I am becoming cognizant that natural lighting is better for pictures than the glare of those curly mini-fluorescent lights that cost more than the old kind but are generally better.

There is a lot I still have to learn about my camera (Canon PowerShot SX 160 IS).

This is the picture I took today, I don't look so bad. I wish a female would say so.

On my forehead is a little mark. When I was fixing the water line 3 days ago, I hit my head on a part of the floor structure. It will go away eventually. If you touch it, it hurts. I should have been more careful.

Not a Hate Sunday

It was all right today. Had a pretty normal day, not like yesterday fixing that fucking water line. I have to do that occasionally, under the house because pvc is a substandard building material.

I was able to write some, enjoy my music. I do have to help cook but that is an everyday thing for me.

I went to wm and there was the usual panic but it wasn't so bad because it was rather dead. The wm I worked in would be packed on a sunday and it probably still is as I write this.

It will storm later, a squall line. Thunderstorms stroke my anxiety like teasing the tiger. It will bite back. Unless the power goes out, a historical possibility here during storms, I will be all right.

I remember like 11 years ago, down the hill from here, I was on WebTV and the power went out, a beast of a storm outside. I peed on myself I was so scared. I won't forget that.

It hasn't really done that since but it will again eventually and I will be scared again, I admit. I know the elemental power of the weather. There is no reason not to be scared.

I have a weather radio because of that. I have weatherbug, pay attention to the NWS and the local tv stations in this area. Can't watch them if the storm is too bad, the directv goes out.

The dude on the local NBC station said it will pass through here quickly, which is typical of a springtime pattern, not autumn, which we presently are in.

Now tell me that people haven't fucked up the weather.

I forgot about the cyclone ravaging India. I would have posted a satellite picture of it but it takes some doing looking for the GOES floaters assigned to specific tropical systems.

I am glad Vongfong weakened to tropical storm level and is not ravaging Japan.

I will be here writing despite the storm. It will hit about the time I take a bath/shower. What joy would that be.

Sugar Alternative (Possibly)

I have an issue with the sugar death. I am not going to lose an unwanted 12 pounds and slim my body if I don't lay off the sugar.

I like Red Diamond Sweet Tea. It is an acquired taste but it is all right after a year of drinking it. I saw a sugar-free kind in the walmart and decided to try it. It is sweetened with Splenda. I know nothing of Splenda but have heard of it for a long time.

It tastes (to me) like the regular sweet tea.

So I will try using Splenda in my sugar needs in the future but have soda on hand for blood sugar purposes.

I drink tea most of the time. I don't drink so much because peeing is painful for me and I always have overflow the more I do it.

Liquid goes through me like sieve. I can drink a glass of tea and have to pee like 10 minutes later.

Maybe Splenda will spare my teeth further problems and let me lose this belly I have. Of course, exercising would help but it would likely hurt because I have been inactive so long. Walking to the store a few weeks ago taught me that.

I can't go to the store that often because of gas concerns and the panic I feel when I do. I live 3 miles from a Dollar General, 8 and 10 from a walmart in either direction.

I would post a body picture but I told you, no nudity in this blog. If it wasn't a TOS or propriety issue, I would. I'm not shy like that.

Typhoon Vongfong

This is dangerous Typhoon Vongfong ravaging Okinawa now and is heading to Japan.

I don't like cyclones that harm people.



Its swirly beauty is ruined by that, actually.

I have not forgotten, I just didn't post tropical cyclone pictures because I was feeling bad. I hope Vongfong doesn't kill anyone and damage is limited.

Ebola

I have been very upset. I reckon I might as well write about Ebola.

A long time ago, like when I was 18, I read 'The Hot Zone' by Preston. It tells the story of the 1976 Ebola epidemic in what had been Zaire in those days. My empathy, apparent even back then, stronger now, felt for those poor people who died in such a horrible way.

I know what Ebola can do. It is a hemorrhagic fever virus, causes fatal bleeding and organ failure. Prognosis is very grim.

It is a dangerous health threat, to be sure.

However, Ebola doesn't spread like the flu. A person with the symptoms is not in any shape to visit with people but that is no excuse to be lax in how you behave. Don't kiss, have sex, suck, whatever with the sick one. Don't handle what they use. Keep a distance even though you want to help.

It is unlikely to be a pandemic issue in the United States but both the CDC and the WHO say it can 'mutate', 'evolve' is how I see it, and one never can be too sure.

I won't worry about Ebola. My anxiety disorder is killing me. I need no outside help with that.

There is an Ebola outbreak on a smaller scale in the Congo right now. That is the strain that affected those people in the same region in 1976.

Sanitation isn't like it is here in parts of Africa. Customs are different as well. This is why it spreads there.

That very reason should allay fears of this virulent, extremely dangerous, viral disease affecting America.

Apology

My blog seems to have become a place to post complaints. It was not meant for this purpose.

I don't go anywhere. My only social contact is online. I could not change if I wanted to. Even with help, I still feel uncomfortable around people.

I used to see things, I mean, when I walked to the store a few weeks ago, I saw things that fascinated me. I thought, well, hell, should have brought my camera.

Though it is a bulky thing to be carrying in the pocket of your Lee jeans.

I could not do that again. I hurt so bad after it, I question beginning to exercise. I do need to speak with a doctor first, about this and several other things.

I should like to see the lake again. I will when I can. I will bring my camera, take a selfie there. I feel cute sometimes and sometimes not. I am an almost 39-year-old male. What is cute about that?

My self-image waffles between cuteness and feeling hideous. My hair has a lot to do with that.

I did take some pictures today, for the opportunity to take pictures of my bare hide doesn't come very often with the lack of privacy here. I won't post them, not because I am like that actress and feel 'violated' by some pictures. It is because this blog wasn't meant for that.

I did this to check my body for bug bites, skin rashes, etc... I am largely semi-flawless in most parts of my skin.

So, I want to apologize for writing complaints and being less than my sweet self.

I will still write Hate Sunday posts, because I hate Sundays.

I will talk about Ebola later.

Scourge

I have mentioned the ant problem here before. Since this fucking summer refuses to end with its 90+ degree days, they persist.

I wonder what the cumulative effect of these ant bites are having on me. They are in my clothes basket, they are on the floor, I was bitten on the peena after my shower a while ago.

I don't know what to do. They were on my bed as I slept yesterday. Lucky I wear socks and sweatpants.

I am posting a picture of my most affected left thigh, near the knee. It has the most bites in a particular area though I have bites on my right leg, two on my right foot, one on my left middle toe, I have three or four on my left arm and two on my right hand.

This is my leg. Forgive the paleness, I am a white guy, you know.

I know this will leave my pale hide scarred. I hate it so. It itches and burns and seems to have no relief.

I am most often bitten after my shower, getting the animals' food, changing clothes, and going barefooted, which I never do usually.

It is a scourge.

Hate Sunday

What is the matter on this Hate Sunday? My teeth. The sugar death has an effect surely. I do brush my teeth but not as often as I should. This began when my dental work started coming apart, the reason I have missing parts to my front teeth.

I sorely need to go to the dentist but it will be costly. I will need dental insurance, good insurance. I have problems.

I am self-conscious of my teeth. They don't look bad and have survived years of the powerful sweet tooth. I will start limiting the amount of sugary drinks I get. I can't stop them completely and fuck up my blood sugar, which I feel when I go without it for about a day.

Oh, I have been sad because of this, because of someone dear in the hospital, and the fact that MeUndies failed to have red briefs when they said they would, then told me that solid color won't be a part of the subscription anymore. I will reconsider my MeUndies subscription.

What upsets me more is that yes, I have vs panties. I wore my red ones and they fit better than MeUndies does. No skin showing from the edge along the inside thigh area. You may think it is strange but try it, unless you are grotesquely large in that area, it will be comfortable.

I am not different in that way, I just feel that comfort can be found in unexpected areas.

My teeth though. Valiant for more than 30 years. Is this when they give up?

This pain, if it behaves like the past, will fade eventually.

I took Tylenol and it helped but you can't take too much of those, or lest you have liver trouble and that is bad bad news.

For some strange reason, my male pain has subsided for now. I do have difficulty peeing but that is just because of the physical aspect of prostatitis or just plain aging.

I didn't have a shoe mistake again. I mean, what guy has more than 3 pairs of shoes? I do, mainly because my old New Balance work shoes I wore at wm are still good.

Hate Sunday.

Awful Situation

I don't know if I mentioned it before but my sister is a tetradisaster. Everything she touches is destroyed. This includes the unstable quietness here.

She knows I have anxiety disorder but continues to wale on it like whipping it with a barbed wire wrapped stick.

She was doing this as I was getting ready to go wash my clothes for the first time in three weeks. Oh, so angry, shaking. She caused extreme panic last night by running all the gas out of the truck so that I barely made it to Cove. Talk about a white-knuckle ride, it was.

Now, it was generally known that I was going to wash clothes. I had to do another thing that is nearing its completion.

My sister's harangue caused a panic reaction so I forgot what shoes I was wearing. I had to avoid before she provokes a suicidal panic.

So, I left the house, only to find the Laundromat I have used for almost 20 years is closed. I went to a newer one that is more expensive and had to endure an hour of 'The Dog Whisperer'. (ick... :( I don't think so.) An unfamiliar area and the general discomfort of sunlight and people speaking a language I have a limited understanding of (Spanish).

This was awful. I had to go to the bank for more quarters. I hadn't noticed until I was leaving to go back to the truck. My shoes....

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself. My sister caused the anxiety that led to me wearing the wrong shoes. I can't believe it. It's not like I can feel a difference. They fit the same.

I don't know if I will be okay. You know, Hate Sunday is coming up.

I am posting a picture of my shoes so you can see. It's fucking stupid. I feel terrible. Stupid. Unworthy.

This would be my old shoe and new shoe, both New Balance. I went into the sunlight to show this.

I am serious. I thought about hanging myself. Then something I read a long time ago that when a male is hung, he generally has an involuntary erection. I don't want to be found like that. So I dismissed this for the time being but you know, it is going to happen again.

It may be time to use my Medicare and go get help before I do act on this thinking and kill myself.

Cause and Dia-Icky

I don't eat fast food much. I have the same problem when I do. I was hungry so I went to Jack in the Box and got what I have always gotten there, a chicken sandwich.

It is not the sandwich that causes dia-icky. I mean I can make one here and it doesn't do that. It is the soda.

I should have ordered tea. Tea doesn't bother me unless it is over-sugared, then there is an issue with the sugar death. Feeling icky inside.

This is avoidable, sure, but anxiety makes it a do it now or else feeling.

So, about an hour after consumption, squish-squish. It was not as painful as the last affliction of dia-icky mainly because my gut did not clench so painfully. It just flowed.

So in the future, I will avoid most sodas (Sprite, Sierra Mist, 7UP, do not bother me) and stick with sweet tea.

I had a panic attack going to the store. I do not know if it contributed to this. I have tension pain in my male area when this happens. That is how my prostate gland was damaged in the first place.

Almost ran out of gas getting to the town. By the grace of God, I did not and am truly thankful.

Do you know what causes  you dia-icky? Do you avoid it? I know being sick is not a choice but I have not been sick like that in a really long time. It is direct cause for me.

Awaiting True Cold

I have written much about how cold weather is unpleasant and hurts. However, this year, we are waiting for it because of a scourge.

No one knows why the ants are so bad here. They are everywhere. I must have been bitten six times today, red spots on my pasty skin.

This not only itches and hurts, it blemishes my skin. Can't poison them, the cats and such, you know.

I don't know. It makes me so upset. Years here and now this starts happening? I was bitten on the left foot as I took a shower.

Not wearing my glasses in the shower, of course, I cannot see my feet, they are five feet from my eyes.

I hate this. This was supposed to be a good summer but now that it is over, nothing got done. Fucking anxiety disorder, keeps me from doing anything.

My cousin is on my case because I won't go get help. For a while, we didn't have a vehicle here. Then it is the food situation. Someone dear in the hospital just screwed everything up severely.

I don't know how I deal. I avoid if I can.

It will be harsh, the cold, yes, but it will do away with these fucking ants.

Name a place on me and I have been bitten there over this whole summer.

What does this do to our health? I have no idea. Other than upsetting us.

My desk thermometer says 90 right now. Outside it's 75 with extreme humidity.

It is not 90 degrees in here, I think because it is in a sheltered area, it is not as reactive as it should be.

I remember when it said 47. I can't believe I am looking forward to that again.