Hurting Today

I have been thirsty. This is because I eat only once a day, I am constantly hungry. I have tea to drink to distract from that.

The problem with what ordinarily isn't a bad thing is that it causes me to have to pee more. The more I have to pee, the worse it hurts. It creates pressure on my prostate and makes the whole line sear like a lava flow.

If it gets too bad, peeing becomes difficult. I have to do it. I cannot hold it like I used to. I hate this, and I talk about it because you can see me, my pain isn't obvious. It always hurts.

I have been studying Akhenaten and his time, an intense fascination of mine. No matter how things really were, it becomes a fascinating look into a simple life that we should have, not the bs that we have now.

I cannot afford to see the doctor. I am loathe to take a tylenol just because my pelvic area hurts. It doesn't help all that much anyway. I only have so many tylenol tablets remaining, I can't afford to get more.

I hate money. Why should we suffer when we don't have it? Just like the Primaries in Az and Mi, a fucking waste of time, effort, and money.

Oh, I will return to writing stories again, soon. I am trawling for inspiration now.

I actually went outside, I can post a picture of me I took after I took some wicked pictures of the sky. I love the sky, the stars, clouds, the Moon, all of it. It is a spirit enriching thing to be out there, imagination stoked by elemental things.

I wish I could be disconnected from my body, like mind uploading. I could be free to wonder without the pain that distracts. I can't sit for more than 10 minutes at a time.

Also, I have noticed. I can't tell when I have to pee unless I stand up. I could sit here and not feel it at all. That cannot be good.

I was not stressed today, but my day ends at 6 or 7 am. I sleep in the daytime to limit contact with things like the abuse and stress.

I hate that. I have always been a morning person. I love the morning.

Abuse and Self-Hate

I don't admit this in person.

I live with my mom. This originally was because my dad had a debilitating stroke 15 years ago. He is paralyzed hemi-paliegically. My dad is bitter, angry, always has a bad attitude. You would be too if your left side didn't work. However, my dad projects his rage/pain in the form of verbal abuse to me and my mom. Calls my mom stupid, which really makes me angry.

He calls me 'queer' and makes insinuations that I am homosexual.

How can I be when I have misandry? I am attracted to females only. Ask Jen or Malee.

I have endured this for almost 10 years. It may be why I developed anxiety disorder in the first place. Do I have to kill myself to make it stop?

I'm no bullied teenager. I know there is rationality in things.

I hate myself only because I am male. I hate it! I hate being hairy, I hate shaving, I hate my prostate gland worse than anything. I hate competition. I hate being a disappointment. I hate living in a world where being a 'man' means drinking beer, going to ball games/bars/etc.., having an expectation of being something perhaps many 'men' are not.

My sexual affair with Malee taught me several lessons. The most important is that NEVER have sex with someone you do not love. I could not bring myself to love her though I did try. She was just too different, perhaps too young for me.

I see on tv, things like that, you know, virile man gets some, goes to parties, is 'cool'.

I sit here every day and think that this life isn't working out. What went wrong? It used to be so good. I used to be loved. Not anymore.

I am not hard to love. I care, I am sensitive, I even like to do stuff for people.

But I can't just go out even if I had a working car. I can't go to public places with a lot of people. I would have a panic attack within 5 minutes. Dealing with my anxiety disorder without medicine, without a doctor's help, is a preventative measure.

Panic attacks hurt. They cause the heart to beat fast and hard like a trance music beat. They cause sweating, sweating in places you wouldn't think you had sweat glands. Feel dizzy, feel hot inside, feel scared.

I cannot 'not' have a panic attack. It happens for any reason, any time, anywhere.

No, I avoid this, see, I don't leave the house. When I do, it is usually just to the store. But even going to Dollar General causes a panic attack. I usually go with my mom.

My mom will not always be here. I will be alone one day. I do not know if I can be alone. I am scared of the future. I focus on things like astronomy, my writing, music, I research the reasons why other people my age committed suicide.

With this verbal abuse cause me to cross that line?

This is why I sleep in the daytime. This is why I stay in my room, which isn't quite the garden spot. I will talk about my room another time.

I hurt when I wake up every day. This is because for whatever reason, my brain plays memories from a time when it was not so bad. Dreams of things like a loving girlfriend, being out and about, even being important. a

I am not important. I can't find any evidence that someone misses me. Or wants to talk. Or wants to see me. Maybe that it is better being forgotten, then I would not have to face the ordeal of leaving the house.

This is not healthy behavior!

On Sunday mornings at 6 am, the Fox plays its PSA's. One of these PSA's is Focus on Ft Hood. They talk about family stuff, events, care, all sorts of things as Ft Hood is like a massive city. None of it pertains to civilians.

This makes me feel bad for several reasons. I am not and have never been in the military. I recognized the fact that I'm not military material when I was a teenager. I like the military, have respect for Soldiers, I write about a military.

It bothers me because I have no kids, and things seem to pile on people like me who are single and childless. I am 36 now. Having a kid in the next 5-10 years would be a disservice to him/her because I do not see myself getting old.

You must consider the world we live in. One day, things are going to fall apart. Societally, in the Government, in the West, even. It has already started in Europe. Can you imagine riots like those in Athens in a major American city?

I don't know if I could live in a world that has fallen apart.

I must get a new job. Not only because I need the money, I need a reason to exist.

That is not as easy as it sounds. I live 7 miles from the nearest town. Where I live can barely be called an urban area. The wm I worked in was 26 miles away. I used to have a way to get there, but now I do not.

Oh, and then there's the anxiety disorder ordeal. I would have to start over again. I must get my medicine restored before even considering going out to find a new job. It costs $68 just to see the doctor. What the fuck? Where am I going to get that being unemployed? No one understands my anxiety disorder than the one who diagnosed it. I hope Obamacare puts the screws on doctors who put money before people.

No, it is not something I could easily do.

I hate not my life. I exist for a reason, which is not always clear, I hate being male, I would rather be an 'it'. That is not possible and I have to deal with what I am.

I am sick like that, sick in my soul.

If I am allowed an afterlife and I could see my family again., how could I possibly face them knowing what I have become? The antithesis of what my grandfathers were. Shame, hate, I wish I never was sometimes.

Well, that's how it is.

I will try to write some more, play Spore, maybe even watch a movie. Anything to distract away from a feeling that will go down the road to Hell. Suicide.

No, things happen, good things, sometimes. It has been a while for me.

Influences on My Stories

I made my own story-world. I do not take from any real life or fictional source. I have a way to do this, I made a completely different culture.

What things are like here are not like there. In how people relate to each other, in how the government works, the very problems or threats they face are nothing like what happens in other stories.

The biggest influence on my stories is the Culture books of Iain M Banks. His ideas of AI match mine. I have always 'humanized' AI. I like writing about AI's. It is a contentious issue in the Commonwealth whether if the AI could be considered a person. The law, after much arguing and research, says they are if they are over a certain rating. Most androids are over this standard where house computers are not, with a few exceptions.

The Qesak Orbital in my stories was inspired by orbitals in Banks' novels. It is actually smaller than those and is not as varied.

History influences my stories, especially World War 2.

The actual US Navy inspired the military of the Commonwealth.

The Commonwealth was inspired by early American colonies.

I gather ideas from life and from what I see on CNN.

This idea net, as it is, always is open. I can generate new ideas if left to ruminate on them for a while. I did this when I was at work. I will do this when I return to work.

I will use Ischia as an example. In studying Ancient Egypt, a very big fascination and interest of mine, I got the idea of making a character like one they would have made. She will be like Ketheri in some ways, very much not like her in others.

One day, I will write my opus. It may not be like any story I have ever written. Depends on what happens between now and then.

How I Started Writing

A long time ago, like in 1985, in 5th Grade, we had an assignment to build a story about a planet and civilization. I made one called Scorptrolio. I never established that people were native to it. It was settled by colonists. Colonists from an empire at that time I had not created.

As I got older, I learned more about how things are, and developed new stories based on this. Mind that Scorptrolio has not been featured in a story in over 12 years.

The empire I developed is backstory. It is the foundation upon which the Commonwealth was built. When I write about the empire days, it is usually about a princess because I like writing about princesses.

I focused on one character in the beginning, born just four centuries after the Commonwealth was founded. I wrote a lot of stories about that character. Established a whole mythology.

But in looking back, I have developed the main people of my stories away from what that character had been.

Ketheri came along late in that character's life.

Most stories since Y2K have featured Ketheri. And now her time is almost over. How much can happen to one person in one life?

I used to write in 3-subject notebooks. When I got a computer, I received WordPerfect 9, and ever since, I have uses WP to write. I use WP X5 now, the fourth version of it I have had. I won't get another since X5 is compatible with Windows 7 as well.

I write when it's quiet, when I have no interrputions. You can see in some stories when I lost my focus. I try not to let that happen.

I do not write when I have emotional pain or if I am real sleepy.

It really does not matter to me if my stories are published or not. I write because it helps me by focusing on things that take my mind off my real pain.

I have learned a lot about style and grammar over the years. I am good at this. I always was.

I will always have a story to tell.

When Ketheri is gone, off to a fab future where she is Reina, the Supreme Commander of the Kita Army, an army of billions, she will leave a void. I may create a new era.

I have created the interesting character named Eschia (Eal Seket). She has to be fit into the story world, which means more stories to write.

Always are.

Homosexuality in My Stories

Most of my stories are an episodic serial Space Opera. As far as plot structure goes, it is akin to how a soap opera plot develops. Ketheri is the protagonist of this serial.

However, I will talk about how things are in an equal-matriarchal culture like the one the Commonwealth has.

Homosexuality is not a sin in this culture. It is accepted as normal love. Individual people may not like it but that is how things normally are.

The most common homosexual couple would be between two females. Male couples are rare largely because of how they are raised. That is not to say a female is raised to be like that. Love is encouraged.

Lin is an example of a homosexual who gender changed, which is relatively easy to do with the technology they have. Many who do this assume the role of whatever they changed into. Some are confused. I will make a character like this later after 'Rain' is done.

Personally, homosexuality bothers me on an evolutionary level. I am not like that and do not understand the appeal. I was told today that one of my female cousins is lesby. I have not seen her in a long time so I cannot remember that much about her. Even if she is, it doesn't make her less than a person.

Maybe in a more tolerant society, it would not bother us so much.

Many of my female characters love both genders. Male characters are rare anyway because of how things developed in the setting. I tend to feminize male characters because I don't like other males. There are exceptions, Dr. Akrem and Adm. Rian are two major male characters. I have established them to be quite heterosexual. It is not something I ever mention in a story. I know my characters over the course of the stories, you would only know them if you actually read existing stories.

I will make Rain freely love, her only desire is to contribute to the Great Circle of Life. Can't do that if she and her mother are the only survivors of the destruction of their village. They will get a new village.

It is not a conscious decision based on how characters develop. For example, I never established Ketheri as lesby but her first and most intense love was a girl named Carine. Ketheri had nine kids over life, can't do that if she was not attracted to males. She has been in more male-female scenes than not.

Why should sex matter anyway? Because they are people like us. Not cardboard characters.

I may make a character to supplant Ketheri, and release my star for her wonderful future. I have been trying to do that for a couple of years now. I will work on this some more.

If you have a question, let me know.

Rain

Late in 2010, I started a story called 'Rain'. This was begun in my troubled time after leaving wm, it took months to get over the stress and pain. In some ways, I have not to this day, nearly 2 years later. I was in wm 1073 today and fuck all, if I did not get a panic attack. How can I live this way? I write to take my mind off it.

'Rain' is about a Vehmba female named Rain. She is 18 years old, average sized, pretty for a Vehmba.

Infodump here: Vehmbas are little creatures, average 3.5 feet tall, who are anthro. They have excellent proportions, a long and flexible tail, and their 'hair' is actually a cooling structure. They look like dreadlocks but are not hair like we know it and are one big strand. It looks like hair. Feels warm and soft to the touch. Vehmba eyes are solid, no discernable iris or pupil. Some glow, some are dull colored. They can be yellow, green, or in rare cases, black. Vehmbas have bluish skin, powdery blue, with subtle linear striping, which is an individual trait used to identify each other. The stripes are pale, looking like airbrushing and usually give the Vehmba an exotic look. Some Vehmbas are darker blue, some are lighter. It is an environmental thing. Vehmbas have feet like a monkey's, opposable big toe. They are slightly bigger than a human foot would be at that body size.

There is little sexual dimorphism between male and female Vehmbas. It can be hard to tell them apart for one unfamiliar with them. They are a neoteny species.

Rain is a bit darker than average, her stripes are demure, reddish-yellow, hard to tell on her skin. Her eyes are greenish-yellow. She is the daughter of Me'ess Mela. A me'ess is a village chief, though more like a 'mother' of a tribe. Mela called her Rain because she had Rain outside in the rain, taking that as a sign of purity.

Rain is a hunter and forest scout. She carries a bow, poison arrows and a knife. Also, she has a modern comm device, and, after events in the story, an AI companion.

Rain's village was exterminated by a military action using nanotechnology as a weapon. The village was on a special world.

Rain has a strong belief in the Great Circle of Life. To her, all things are part of the circle and threats to it must be eliminated. She has no compunction against killing when it is in defense of the circle.

Rain is unusual among Vehmbas who have been in other stories. She is a native of a planetary forest. Most Vehmbas live in the mid-bay forest of giant spacecraft. The outside galaxy thinks they are little better than ignorant savages. It is a fallacy Vehmbas cultivate. They are highly technological. Rain is not from a village known for techy things.

Rain's story isn't over. I never finished it. Sometimes, when troubles overcome me, I have to suspend stories and usually can't find the flow to resume them. This story is different. It is actually a sequel to another story told from the military's point of view, called 'Undesirable Creatures'. That one was finished.

I will put Rain through some adventure and a costly encounter. Her story will be a legend among Vehmbas for generations.

I will post 'Rain' on my angelfire site when it is done.

I wrote a whole post yesterday and it was lost before I could post it. I will rewrite it because it might surprise you that I could write about such things.

About This Background

You may wonder about the stars and such that are the background of my blog. I made this image, it's called Constellation.

A year ago, I discovered Colour Lovers. I love making colors and pattern art. I may not be as remotely skilled as others but I like what I make. I made this pattern about a week ago.

I am Ar-Ghost there, perhaps you can see what else I have made. I go there sometimes and make more patterns and colors, but only when I am feeling creative. I haven't been lately.

You can find this at Colour Lovers

Something I Love

This is a galaxy cluster in the constellation of Pegasus. It is far, far away. Mind that not all of these galaxies are the same distance away, it only looks so because they are the same part of the sky.

From the top left, NGC 7319

Colliding galaxies, NGC 7318 A and B

The one in the bottom right is NGC 7317

The one in the bottom left is closer to us than the others, it is NGC 7320.

Together, they are Stephan's Quintet. They are an extremely beautiful galaxy cluster.

NGC 7320 is about 39 million light-years from Earth

The other ones are around 340 million light-years away, a long way away no matter what scale you use.

All of them display redshift, which means they are moving away from us, though it is more like the expansion of the Universe is carrying them further away. I will talk about the expansion of the Universe some other time.

I have loved looking at Stephan's Quintet since I first saw it in school all those years ago. Not long after the last repair of the Hubble Space Telescope, it took a fabulous picture of Stephan's Quintet, which you can find on hubblesite.org

It is one of my favorite astronomical objects. If I am ever able to get a potent telescope, likely a Celestron Nexstar of a large apeture, I will look for this and see them with my own eyes. That would be a treat like no other.

Policy

I built a government. In my stories, the primary characters serve in a space navy. Who runs this navy? The government, of course.

It is a Commonwealth, it has 102 member states. It has well over 30 trillion citizens.

Each citizen is guaranteed health care. Guaranteed basic living rights, that is to say there is a place for everyone. They can do pretty much what they want.

However, the Commonwealth does not tolerate drug use or alcohol consumption. Both were made illegal in the now distant past and what happens now is people do not miss what they never had. The use of fossil fuels is illegal, largely because of stringent environmental regulations. This directly led to breakthroughs in energy production and distribution.

The Commonwealth is represented by a senator from each state. All but four states have their own governors. These governors elect the head of state when the need arises.

The head of state, the Coordinator, is not like any political office now. The Coordinator has almost autocratic power, almost but not quite. The Coordinator must be female, because under the constitution written a decade after the fall of a misogynist empire, it became an issue of equality. This law has never changed. The Commonwealth has always and will always have a female ruler.

She can be overridden by the senate, even voted out of office. There is no term limit for Coordinator.

It is an incredibly hard job. Not just any female can be Coordinator. A pool exists for future candidates. They have to have a requisite education and preferably political experience. The Coordinator is the face of the Commonwealth.

I originally established this because in 12th Grade Government Class now 18 years ago, I remember understanding how the electoral college works. I don't. I know the popular vote does not count. As such, no citizen votes for a Coordinator. It is an important decision.

The Commonwealth government is small compared to the country it governs. There are ministries of State, Culture, Health, Justice, Science and Technology, and Environments. Of these, the Health Ministry has the most influence.

The military is not controlled by any one political office. It is directly governed by the office of the Coordinator. She has the last word on involvement in conflicts.

The Commonwealth is featured in a lot of my stories. Many who work for it bemoan the fact that pay is minuscule.

What contentious issues does it have? Health care distribution, aid to member states suffering internal conflicts, and immigration. The most populated states have a lower quality of service than lightly populated ones. A revolt on the most populated world caused a battle and loss of most populated status. That world now has had its Commonwealth charter suspended. The military has blockaded it. Aid is sent by this blockade.

The Commonwealth government owns just two cities in the whole nation. One, Elsha, is an immigration/health portal as well as where the Commonwealth's orphanages area. There have been a lot of displaced children in modern conflicts.

The other city, never written about, is Mana Ti, where advanced science, federal projects and services take place.

Goverment services:

ComNet, the communication/tv medium. Every citizen can access ComNet though when it isn't showing news or educational programs, it tends to show graphic sex. This is popular actually.

Hypercomm, the faster-than-light communication system standard in the galaxy.

Assistance, people who have no job are helped in finding one, guaranteed. There is no welfare as we know it on the federal level. The member states can do that but only a handful do.

My own politics are centrist. I do not ascribe to any extreme position. I despise conservatism. Though when you write about a big nation, you understand that people have a myriad of views. I do not inject my beliefs on my stories consciously.

If you are interested, I can answer ANY question about the Commonwealth. It is that detailed.

It won't last, you know, with that revolt, things are changing. Foreign intervention and all that.

I like to talk about things I have written.

China

Let me say first that I like Chinese history and culture. I like Chinese people.

However, I do not like the PRC at all.

A couple of years ago, I had a pen pal in China, Yujie. She is a worker in some kind of sales area. I don't quite get it but I am sure that it is a job taken from an American in the past. I ask questions to determine the intelligence and experience of a person, this is normal stuff. So I did this with Yujie and gosh, you would not believe what she does not know. History, freedom, how things really are in the West.

Then she goes and has a kid, adding one more to what is too many to begin with. Overpopulation is a topic for another post, however.

I do not talk to her anymore. I am disturbed by unquestioning loyalty to the PRC. You might think, hey, it's the government, right? True, but it is a government like the Soviet Union had. When did communism cease being a dangerous enemy of America?

I have heard on CNN commentators speaking about the efforts by the PRC to police its population. They do not want news of the Arab Spring to reach the people. They don't want to end the murderous regime of Assad in Syria because it sets a dangerous (to them) precedent, that people can effect change. What is freedom if that cannot happen?

How much of your stuff is made in China? Did you ever wonder why we can't make it here? There is NO REASON that anything can't be made in the USA. Those who outsourced to China directly harmed America and should be seen as traitors.

How could we get out of this unfair trade disaster? End trade with China. Show them that we are not slaves to anyone's will. This can't be done, they hold zillions of dollars in our debt. How did that happen?

I truly hope one day, the PRC is overthrown and destroyed. That freedom is restored to China. It may not happen in my lifetime, however.

No Love

I was going to write about Star Trek: Voyager but I will hold off on that.

I have been thinking for a long time about the music I have heard. I listen to music all the time, usually the radio.

When singers/songwriters sing of love, appeal, desire, care, and obsession, I wonder if it is just rhyming fluff or can this be how things actually are.

In my life experience, I have only received attraction, sex, friendship but no true love. I have begun to think that it an impossible thing to find in my life now.

I am sure that there is a girl my age or not far from it that needs love like I do. Meeting her would be impossible because I don't go anywhere.

Several years ago, E-Harmony said I was 'undatable'. That hurt and I lost faith in love.

I cannot change how I am, shy, anxious always, a practical shut-in.

I would only date a girl now who understood mental pain, who is an intellect, who likes Science Fiction, who is not more or less than 5 years of my age, 36. This sounds like a hard thing to find but I don't believe so. There just aren't any females like this where I live.

I may never find love in the remaining days/months/years of my life. I do know this, that I can't make it alone, and I will have the last say on how long I will live. It is a pragmatic decision.

I don't listen to songs that appeal to memories, love, or associations like Jen and green day.

This is bad because that is maybe 30% of music in my WMP library and maybe a larger proportion of my cd collection.

I am lonely, yes, but to welcome someone new into my life, it won't be easy. I will try though, should the blessed opportunity presents itself.

Guardian

You may know what this is.

It is Jupiter, a massive gas giant planet that could have been a star and shares some characteristics.

It's like a mini solar system, with nearly 40 moons and the four big ones, Io, Europa, Ganymede, and Callisto, are bigger than our moon, worlds unto themselves.

Jupiter looks cool through a telescope, though you'd need a big one to resolve details on the moons. In my telescope, they are bright points of light.

Why is it a guardian? It's powerful gravity can deflect, pull in, or fling away a comet heading into the inner solar system. It stabilizes the orbit of the asteroid belt and Mars.

It is in the sky in the evenings now, a bright dot that doesn't flicker like stars do, no planet does.

I like to watch video taken by Voyager 1 and Galileo of the clouds writhing and moving along like a roiling current in an endless sea.

I remember a month after I graduated high school, Comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 broke up and hit Jupiter. It was cataclysmic, a fireball more massive than the Earth.

Imagine what that would do if it hit our world.

Thanks to our guardian, it did not.

Not That Bad

I have been feeling sad but not as bad as it can get by any means. This is likely because I really am not stressing over anything, other than the usual, remembering story plots or characters, songs I like, and gosh, my uro-g pain.

I am used to hurting there, it is a pain I am accustomed to.

Anyway, I am learning about Star Trek stuff I missed when I was offline. I hate the new Star Trek for the simple fact that it all but does away with the Next Generation. My favorite Star Trek series is Deep Space Nine. I am not that big a fan of Star Trek. It could be better.

When I write space combat, weapons do damage, people are killed or sucked out into space. Many have safety systems and procedures in place to prevent deaths like that. The idea is to kick ass but also, come home safely.

Writing helps me a lot. I have not been writing because I have to fix a tangled continuity problem. My stories are part of a serial space opera drama that has been ongoing for years. I could write a Non-Serial story anytime. I have many times.

I have some writing on my Deviantart page. A story, some art related to it. I suck at drawing.

I will post another astronomical goody later. I like doing that.

I found a save on one of my PS2's memory cards of a waaaay underleveled party in the Draklor Laboratory area of Final Fantasy 12. I am working to see if I can level them up and get through Cid. I don't have the foggiest idea of how I got that far being so underleveled. It is not how I play Final Fantasy.

I might think of something else to write later.

For now, I'm okay.

Carina Nebula

This is the Carina Nebula. It is a couple of thousand light-years away and is huge, tens of light-years wide.

It is known for being the site of Eta Carinae, a very old massive star predicted to go supernova any time between now and 2000 years from now.

This is how the Hubble Space Telescope saw it, an inspirational picture when you consider that just one of those little black blobs, Bok globules, contains a nascent star system.

When I had a laptop, this picture looked amazing on it. It is somewhat less so on my computer's lcd monitor. I think it is pretty and an illustration of the self-perpetuation of Creation in the Universe. Eta Carinae may be destroyed in a supernova, but as its shockwaves pass through this nebula, gravity compression and scattered elements may breed a whole new group of stars. New planets, possibly new life.

Astronomy is wonderful, my most beloved thing.

Factors

I have talked about this on facebook and in other places.

I never write a suicide note. I have factors. These are the things that combine to crush my spirit and cause me extreme pain.

NOTE THIS: I do not feel suicidal right now. This can change like an ocean tide. That is the nature of my anxiety disorder. Overwhelming suddenly.

Factor One: My prostate pain. I cannot go a day without it hurting. It hurts me to go to the bathroom and if and when I get medical insurance again, I will have to undergo more violating tests to see if it is swollen, infected, or cancerous. If I develop prostate cancer, this will be the primary reason for suicide.

Factor Two: My anxiety disorder. I will never heal from this. It is hardwired into my soul. I will never live a normal life. I can't go out, I can't deal. I need my medicine restored as it was cut off when I lost my health insurance. Unless you have anxiety problems, how could you possibly understand?

Factor Three: The pain Jen caused. I am tormented by memories of her. I cannot hear a Green Day song and not think of her. Other things, too. She hurt me in a way that will never heal, broke my heart, then broke it again with her text message on my b-day last year. I will always feel love for her and I cannot help that. I wish to forget her. I can't be her friend now. I wish she would feel regret and at least apologize. As it is, I will likely never see her again. Not willingly.

Factor Four: The future, I have no money, no savings, no family of my own, no money. I live with my parents, who won't be around forever. I could not live on my own. I am too sensitive weak. Unmanlike.

No, I won't commit suicide now. I have stories to write, things to see, people to love.

I avoid things that make me sad. I don't go outside but to feed my dad's dogs. When I do go somewhere, it is usually with my mom.

I am 36 years old now. This is hardly the life I should have.

Shame.

Misandry

You may not know that I have misandry. I despise other guys. They make me sick.

Why is this?

For a long time, I have hated the idea of competition. Resources should be distributed to everyone equally. Forced competition because of gender is not how it should have been. We are only male by virtue of a random chromosome.

I have a harder time making male friends. I don't relate well to other males likely because of my anxiety disorder but then, I don't like other males.

It does not make me feminist. I believe in equality, not one side's conflict with another's.

Then there is the biological aversion. I do not like looking at other males. I have a lot of pictures for wallpapers on my computer, mostly anime, and no, no males.

When I was much younger, I was a small kid, still am small, but I did not get bullied, as older, usually tougher males looked out for me. I seemed to not have learned the social skills necessary for participating in polite society. I have spent most of my adult life alone, by myself. The net is my only social contact.

This is bad.

I will always have misandry. Whether I make a male friend or not, it doesn't matter.

It is funny that the only ones who understand me are female.

Naughty Picture

I have a sub-blog here in which I post pictures of me I can't post here. If you want to see it, e~mail me. I am not shy about my nudity.

I had a computer scare just an hour ago. Dust is a bad problem in my house. We live on a bifurcated dirt road that looks like a double ribbon on Bing Maps and Google Maps.

So, I opened it, sat it on my chair and removed the CPU heat sink. It had bad dust buildup which caused a nearly 100 Celsius temperature in the CPU. This has been a constant problem with the Pentium 4. So, I pried the fan off, its a new fan, I broke the old one, and cleaned the heat sink, putting it in the freezer to cool it off.

So, I go to put it back, and wouldn't you know it? One of the power cords to the heat sink fan was wedged between the processor case and the heat sink. This caused my computer to start but fail. I have had power supply issues so I switched my spare one out to be sure. It has a sub-fan in it that should help keep the CPU cooler.

I got very upset when it failed 4x in a row. I had a bathroom accident, forced by my prostate pain and my inability to hold it. So in frustration, I took off my clothes to work on it. Funny that, I kinda like being naked.

Anyhow, things are better now. I am online and the pc seems fine.

My pc is a HP/Compaq Presario SR2163WM. It is more HP than anything. It has a 3.1 Ghz Intel Pentium 4 process, 2 GB RAM, and I have two hard drives, one external, the so called Seagate Expansion Drive. It was on sale at wm near the end of my time there. I has 160 GB well more than I will ever need.

Again, e~mail me if you want to see my naughty blog.

Cold

Do you like cold? I do not. Not at all.

Cold hurts me. I have poor circulation, particularly in my feet. My feet get so cold, you would think I was dead. I like to be warm.

Ha ha, last night, it was 57 in here when I took a bath and I got an erection when I sat in the hot water. That is how my body reacts to sudden temperature change. It was worse when I was younger but now, either that or direct stimulation can cause excitement in me.

It is cold right now, my fingers are numb. It snowed a little today but I want you to see this.

From the National Weather Service www.weather.gov

Overnight: Rain likely. Cloudy, with a low around 36. East southeast wind between 5 and 10 mph. Chance of precipitation is 70%.

Monday: Rain likely and possibly a thunderstorm before noon, then a slight chance of rain and thunderstorms after noon. Cloudy, then gradually becoming mostly sunny, with a high near 59. East wind 5 to 15 mph becoming west southwest. Winds could gust as high as 20 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%.

Monday Night: Mostly clear, with a low around 44. West southwest wind between 5 and 10 mph.

Tuesday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 70. Calm wind becoming southeast between 5 and 10 mph.

Now consider that it is 34 as I write this.

My house has no central heat. The unit is broken and we cannot afford to get it repaired. The heaters here are turned off at night for whatever inane reason. I do not want to invite wrath by turning them on.

I freeze on nights like this.

Ever since I left wm, I wear sweatpants all day unless I rarely leave the house. They do nothing about keeping me warm. The cold spreads up my legs and to my maleness. That is quite unpleasant.

I hate the cold.

I know people who like it. Oh? Sit in my chair in here when it is 57 inside. My desk thermometer says right now 64 degrees, 16% relative humidity.

Wouldn't you know that I am cursed with dry skin as well? Everything gets dry, even my maleness. I do not use lotion unless it gets really bad.

When I worked in the store, I have worked for 4 different stores in my 17 year work era, handling cardboard dried my hands out something fierce. Now it isn't so bad that I don't do that now but I will return to a store one of these days because it is basically all I know how to do and will likely have the same problem. I am older now, however.

Ever see your pee steam as it leaves you? It is not cool. So cold. Your body temperature is 98 degrees or so.

I wish I could live somewhere with climate control but as it is, I can't go anywhere. I have no money. No job. I wish I could have a girlfriend I could stay with. I couldn't with Jen and her freaking dogs. I hate dogs. I am cat person.

As the forecast says, it won't be cold for long. Good. I could not take this for much longer.

It makes me wonder that when I am dead, will my body be cold faster? It is not yet time to test that. I am not suicidal feeling now, but that is a specter that looms over me as my feelings get the better of me sometimes.

When I feel suicidal, I listen to music, I try to write on my stories. I might go outside or cut myself to dissuade the feeling. I get that way in holidays, but strangely, Valentine's Day isn't affecting me when usually it reminds me of something I do not have, love.

I am feeling better.

I was woke up earlier when the snow was falling. It looked like a dreamscape. I did not like it but my friends on FB say it was so pretty.

Yea, pretty like perishing in the snow as Captain Scott and his party did in 1912.

Cold is not pretty.

Death

I was playing Final Fantasy 12 when I was told that Whitney Houston had died. I put it on CNN and truth, the woman with the beautiful voice was gone. I have always liked her, though I don't listen to pop music. Either rock or trance for me.

No matter how she died, she has reached what I have grown to think of as absolute peace. No matter what happens after death, the human conditions and tribulations are over.

I think of death because I feel suicidal sometimes. However, the pain my anxiety disorder causes can be managed by medicine and faith.

It is a natural part of the cycle of life and perhaps all who are alive fear it. Those who say they don't are full of it. How would you like to experience the moment when you realize your heart has stopped beating? That alone scares me.

I've seen videos of some messed up things on the net, like a guy that got run over by a large truck and was literally cut in half. He was not dead right away and that was horrible to watch.

In darker moments, I envy people my age who have died. Their pain is over.

Whatever afterlife exists, it isn't a human one. No wants or needs. No physicality.

For some reason, autopsies scare me. I watch Dr. G and she does it with aplomb, unfazed by the sight of the gooey bloody insides of us humans. I could say that I don't want to be autopsied after my death but that is not something I could do anything about.

In this area, dead people are sent to Dallas for autopsy. That is some way to go and it seems sad.

Death will call on us, it is a certainty. I hope it is kind when it is my time.

Some Thought

You know, I could post a picture of my maleness but Google might not like that. It only goes to show you that prudishness pervades our culture still.

I am not ashamed of what I have. I can satisfy any female. However, as I get older and have the problems with things further upstream from the visible parts, it will get all but impossible to have a normal sexual experience for me. It hurts when I am locked in excite mode too long. This is because of the pressure it puts on my prostate gland. That freaking hurts.

I am not pervy. I like to show off. I'd do it outside if I did not live in a poser-conservative area. I say that because no one is really conservative. They hide their true beliefs. Go with the flow.

KMA to them. I am a centrist. I am loyal to the Democratic Party. I don't vote, wtf bother when it doesn't really count? The election of Dubya the first time all but destroyed my faith in that system.

Oh, would I post such a picture? Yes, I have many good ones to post. I did before last year and got positive remarks.

I won't lie, I like to be naked except when it is cold. Then I am very un-naked. Can't take cold at all.

I often think that if I went to California, I'd try for a porn shoot. Probably wouldn't be accepted, being small, pale, and somewhat hairy. I don't know, I've seen worse, much worse than me.

I came to the understanding that sex is animal behavior and an act of trust, never one of love.

Maybe you disagree but think from a female perspective. She has the heavier investment in a sexual encounter, it is a foreign object entering her body, no matter how it feels.

Anyway, it will likely be a non-issue since that I am quite unlikely to be blessed with a loving girlfriend any time soon.

I wish I could leave here but that is not possible, not without money. The only other way out is forever and I try not to think of that.

If you want to reach me, it's not hard.

Radio and Anger

I like Trance music. I like electronica in general. I listen to internet radio, mainly entranced.fm and others. I have been listening for a while today. It is great.

Then I asked why waste your money in seeing 3D Episode 1, if you have the dvd? A person with whom I went to school, one I don't recall ever being my friend, said that he was doing it for his kid. WTF? Like a kid's going to know any different? I saw Return of the Jedi in the theater in 1983. Do you think I can remember that too well? I do vaguely.

I saw Ep 1 in the theater, the other two as well. The theater does not make it a better movie. It is a colossal disappointment in execution and dialog. Maybe if you didn't have a suck tv, perhaps you would not be pleased with a simple dvd. 

I have a suck tv, 19 inch maganovox from a Cove pawn shop. It is connected to a Directv box. It has issues but is still watchable. If I wanted digital, I would watch it on this computer screen, which is an lcd one. I watch my porn on this screen, lol. 

Anyway, what made me angry is mentioning their children. One child brings humanity closer to extinction. Overpopulation. If that child fails in life, it is the parent's fault. They are to blame when there is not enough to go around.

We are put here to breed? Fuck you. I did not ask to be born. 

I have prostate issues. I have a mind that clamps down on physicality when stressed. I have a stress disorder caused by the umbrella term anxiety disorder. Anxiety that will make me kill myself one day. 

I think of my niece, who is now 12. I have watched her since she was very small. I worry a lot about her and she is not even mine. I could not deal with the worry of my own. 

Anyway, I am unemployed, and yet, when I worked at wm, I did not nearly have enough money to consider having a child. It is a disservice to that child if you cannot afford him/her. 

What are you doing anyway? Being animal like and spawning. 

Ha ha, venting my spleen. I don't care what you think. You have no idea of what I feel or go through daily. 

I won't say I am right, but I have my opinions. As I get older, the less likely it will be I can take care of myself let alone a child. 

I will chill now. 

Arthelius, who had no children and died a long time ago now, said, "It is in the individual that life goes on."

Truth.

Naughty Me

I will admit that I have a porn addiction. This is not because I am a freak or a pervert. This started when Dr. H, my urologist told me to either have sex more or m-thing more. I was with Jen when this happened and she would not even consider helping me that way. Some girlfriend she was.

I can't exactly tell you what it feels like to have chronic prostatitis. It hurts. It hurts like lump of pain centered exactly behind my scrotal area. 

I have written about this before. I posted an anatomical picture of the prostate gland in an earlier post last year. 

I hate my prostate gland. I hate it with a passion. I wish I could cut it out but that would cause fatal bleeding. It hurts me to pee. It hurts like the uroscope thing did when they stuck it in me and it burns, like acid and needles. This is just when I pee. It isn't so bad when I wake up for the day. The more I go, the more it hurts. This is why I do not drink enough water/tea whatever as I should. 

Oh, the other, that hurts worse. Force compression on my prostate as the colon expands and contracts as stuff moves through it. There are times it hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. 

Now I know you may not like reading personal stuff like this but this is Factor Two in my suicide plan. I will likely hurt more as I get older and have BPH which is normal for a guy as he gets older. My prostate is damaged, likely by stress, bacterial infection, or it just wants to hurt me.

To relieve stress pain, I take a painfully hot bath. I am used to this, I kinda like it when my pale white skin turns red. 

Oh, porn addiction. I like mainly female-only porn. I have severe misandry. I hate other guys. My favorite 'actresses' are Lela Star and Jana Cova. It would be massively cool if they did a film together. 

It is likely because of my porn addiction why I cannot finish in sex, or else that was Malee's fault. I was physically turned off by her the last time we were together. 

If I am allowed a future girlfriend, I hope that is not the case. 

I do not hide my Penthouse subscription though I am kinda disappointed in some of the more recent issues. I may let it expire when it is over in april.

I have several dvd's only ordered from Vivid. Michael Ninn's Fem Luminoso is my favorite.

How does it feel when I finish? The same burn, but an intensity that causes a shudder to pass through me. If I have viable s-cells, I have no idea. I will have this tested when next I see the urologist, when my health insurance is restored. 

Oh, I am not that shy in discussing this basic part of my masculinity. I wish I had been a girl, if I could change, I would. 

'Commitment Day' by James Alan Gardner dealt with that very thing. I asked him by e~mail years ago where he got the idea. He said it was an equality thing. Pity we can't do it in real life. 

The Culture novels of Iain M Banks show people who can do this very thing at will through nigh magical technology. It is not a big deal. The idea even creeps into my stories, though mainly through the errors of genetic tampering. 

I am not feminine, no. I like the same things other guys do. But do not believe for a second that I would not trade it all in. 

If I was the same person as a girl, I would have been very naughty. Given that I am naturally cute now, it would have been more so had I been female. 

No, femaleness isn't all sweetness and light all the time, I know. It can't be worse than the shame/pain/worthlessness that I feel as a guy. I will likely have severe prostate trouble as I ger older, and that scares me.

Maybe in the next life. I pray so. I will be female.

Until then, I will be what I am, and be cute at it. 

The Pain Jen Caused

You may or may not know that I had a girlfriend for two and a half years named Jennifer. 

Jen is small, cute, yellow haired. She has a friendly spirit and an immature streak. Just being with her was great, however, in that rather lengthy time for a casual relationship, she was nothing like a real girlfriend. 

She never called me unless she needed/wanted something. I would call her but it never seemed to get answered for whatever reason. 

Jen is one of those 'wait until marriage' girls. She is 30 now, likely still virginal but I have always suspected that she is not really like that given that she is from San Diego. Given what I know of California, it is socially unacceptable to be like that. 

She never let me touch her and gosh, I am not that kind of boy anyway. I never touch without permission. Kissing, err, she kissed me like she would kiss her brother. A peck.

I used to take her home from work, added 20 minutes to what had been a 35-minute trip home. I live 23 miles from the wm I worked in. I didn't mind. I mean, I like more time to listen to my music. 

Anyway, the bad things about Jen. An unhealthy affection for dogs. I hate dogs, never trust them, and the two I feed know who feeds them. They aren't mine, I do it for their owner who can't do it himself. 

Green Day, fuck Green Day. She loves them religiously. I refuse to listen to any Green Day song now, for it reminds me of her. 

Also, I do not know if she still plays Warcraft. I hope not. She was totally addicted to it. This really rankled my hide because I am an old Final Fantasy player, I saw things in warcraft that rip it and LOTR and other things off. Anyway, FF is descended from Dungeons & Dragons, but I digress.

One day, now closing on 3 Mays ago, Jen told me, that warcraft meant more to her than I did. I was shocked. I could not believe it. I told her if that was how things were, then it is over.

I have regretted that since that day. Maybe I should have been more caring and understanding. I mean, I know games fade after a while. I love FF9 and Chrono Cross is my favorite game and I get tired of it after a while. 

Unlike warcraft. I only had to pay for Chrono Cross once and it will always be there. 

Jen told me through text messaging that she is getting married. That cut a fresh wound in my heart, for you see, part of me still loves her. 

I am trying very hard to forget her. I have not seen her in nearly two years. 

She says that we will always be friends. Oh? Why doesn't she call? Send an e~mail? I do not go anywhere, I am not hard to find. 

No, that part of my life is shut down. No trust for a new gf. My next gf must be intellectual. That is a rare thing where I live. 

I won't talk about Jen anymore. I will forget her. 

It was because of her that I got involved with Malee, which cost me my job at wm. 

I should have never done that. I will forever regret it. 

Hello Again

I have been offline since May of last year. In that time, I used my computer for its original purposes, music and writing stories. 

My writing has suffered as of late. This had many reasons, the primary reason being that I am hungry sometimes and cannot concentrate to write.

I hope to get new ideas now that I am online again.

I have been doing okay, I guess. My anxiety disorder whirls in a cycle to okay, to bad suicidal to okay again. 

I will go back to opining here soon.