Last Day of August

Wouldn't you know it? The last day of the month of Augustus is a fucking sunday.

I feel the usual malaise of sundays, more worse than normal. The next two days will be hungry days. It's always those days before my benefit comes.

This particular month has been total bs. I will have gone 32 days without money then. Months with 31 days, then I am normally paid on the 3rd but it was the 1st last time.

I feel so fucking worthless. I would like to be a ghost so the apathy of people would be a natural thing.

I feel guilty for using services, food, drinking the tea. It would be better if I wasn't here to use them.

This will get worse when I go to the store, I feel guilty for getting things, messing up a zoned isle. Getting in the way of the stockers. I know when I was a stocker, people in the way really got on my nerves.

Guilty for driving down the road. I could stay here and not bother anyone.

I feel guilty for having male genitals. They aren't being used for their intended purpose. Why have them? Would I not be better off dead so it will rot away?

But my carcass would occupy a space and take up a service that really should be better saved for someone else of value.

I feel this guilt when I get a haircut, buy something from a store, drive on the highway, I even feel it listening to the radio. I have discovered KCSN, I like that station. Unfortunately, it comes from Cal State Northridge in Southern California. Should a guy from and in Texas be listening to it. Was it meant for me?

Look at radio here, 80% country, 15% Mexican, and K-Love, Urban, and only 1, that's right, ONE rock station, which is a Clear Channel clone station.

Radio is the prime entertainment in my life. It has always been, it will always be.

I feel guilty for using their service. I am not 'cool' like that.

How many people you know where they feel bad for buying things? Going places?

I need a new Playstation 2. I cannot afford a new one. So someone with a used one for sale has to expend effort on my behalf to send one and the Post Office has to expend effort because it wont fit in the post box. All because I needed it to play games I can't on the ps3.

It is my fault. All that effort expended. I am a bad person for bothering people like this.

This summer was supposed to be when I learned to swim. I was supposed to go to the lake. I was supposed to meet a new girl.

None of it happened because I do not belong. I feel guilty going somewhere. Id feel guilty about using the Laundromat because our dryer is down and frankly, HE washers are better. I am going to have to if I want clean clothes.

So I have to get in the way, use machines that someone else could have used and be somewhere where I don't belong.

I feel guilty for not wearing MeUndies today. I mean it is hot and my male pain is worse than normal. I am wearing the Ex-Officio briefs instead. They do not hurt me. I will wear the CK kind later, they do not hurt me. It is my guilt for having several kinds because I feel comfortable.

Was this really necessary? Someone else could have benefitted from these things.

The bottom line is that I am worthless, more so on sunday.

Should you be happy that the month of Augustus is ending? It is another month older you are. Do I deserve the years given to me?

Hurricane Marie

This is a beautiful swirly cyclonic storm. It is Hurricane Marie in the Eastern Pacific.

This storm is moving northwest away from land.


It is due to cross into cooler sea temperatures which will weaken it gradually.

The danger of this storm is the storm surge it causes, harsh waves and rip currents on the Pacific coast from Baja up to California and the Northwest.

I cannot swim myself but when I was a kid, we went to Corpus Christie, North Padre Island and I was in the Gulf of Mexico. We were warned about riptide and currents. I stepped on a jellyfish then, and I haven't gone barefooted anywhere since. That really hurt.

This storm is not a danger to land, just the usual ocean traffic whom I assume takes care when traveling.

Something Wrong

I seem to be developing an itchy rash all over me. It is worse on my left leg in the region of my knee. I can't say what is causing this since I spend a lot of time in my underwear and don't go outside.


My sister told me it is a heat rash but what is that really? I have heard of this before. I took a picture of it but I don't think it turned out good. I will take another later.

I don't know what is going on. I don't need this physical problem added to the mental problems I have.

I am itching on my right arm and my neck as well. What is going on? Curse this summer. When will it end?

A Picture of Me

The last shave check picture was in a word.... unflattering. I took this picture at night, after my shower.

I do not know if I am attractive and to whom. No one ever tells me.

I hope someone does.

About Childlessness

I do not have children. I have only had sex with two different females and neither were fit, one was way older than me, the other was early 20's, not a time for such consequences.

I never intended to be childless. I always thought, maybe, I could have one, just one. But I developed prostatitis and sex is so hard for me.

That is not the reason I cannot go find a female willing to mate with me.

It is my anxiety. In full panic mode, I cannot even be ready for the occasion. Besides that, I am aware of the consequences. I don't have the money or structure to raise a child.

I don't think I could deal with the stress. I know I can't because kids get on my nerves as it is.

I don't know. Theoretically, through my 40s, assuming my prostate doesn't implode, I can find a female willing to mate with me.

Funny way to put it but I don't think it will ever happen. The same loneliness that anxiety causes also makes me childless.

My child more than likely would have blue eyes and red hair. Traits I had when I was a kid. Would they have anxiety problems too? Is this genetic?

I ask this because a 1st cousin of mine has the same problems I do. I wish I could be like her and get help. She knows where to get it, I do not.

Better?

I finally went and no dia-icky. No, instead, I must have lost 5 pounds. Yet again, my body lets it build up and ....

This REALLY hurt my prostate, I could feel it being crushed as I tensed in that reflex. Prostatic fluid was present, just like when Dr. H squished on it, the so-called 'prostatic massage'. I would rather step on a nail barefooted.

I shouldn't talk about digestive issues, I mean, it was funny but it went on too long. I don't like to poo but it is part of life for anything with a digestive system.

It has been too hot. My headphones (Skullcandy Hesh 2) have been sticking to my sweaty head. I have not been listening to my music and that irritates my soul.

Ants and mosquitoes too. You know how I hate cold weather but it would be welcome now to curb these fucking insects. My pasty skin marred by red bite marks from ants. Pick a part on me and I have been stung there. Yes, even there.

I am looking at a Nokia Windows phone. I mean I hate Windows 8 a lot but I learned to use it. Those freaking tiles...

Just so you know, it is a Go Phone. I have used Go Phone for many years now. It works better for me.

Anxiety Rage

I do not know if I still have dia-icky, I have not gone yet since it happened. This is not unusual for me.

When you call me names, insinuate things I am not, just dig and dig, this provokes anxiety. Powerful anxiety. Sweat, tremor, distress. I seem stronger in these times and feel extremely avoidant.

This anxiety is untreated. It is like a monster. Being calm keeps it at bay but how in the fuck can you stay calm when you are called names, etc.....?

It was anxiety like this that almost made me kill myself. It was why I left Wal-Mart all those years ago now.

I don't like being alone, anxiety goes into hyper-vigilance, however, if that is what it takes to end this dig and dig, I must do it.

How can I get help if I have no money? I would be a drain on whatever outfit helped me. Why would I do something like that? It's not right.

I pay about 10% of my monthly benefit for medicare. I have not used it, I don't know how. I need a medicare-supplemental insurance plan to help pay for this sticky mess that is medicare.

What good would it do? Would it cover the metascale trouble that my anxiety disorder is?

I get so upset. I can't write, I can't enjoy things. I just sit here and sulk like a little girl. I am 38 years old, I CANNOT accept being this way.

I wish I was really a ghost, they don't have these problems. Anxiety disorder may be caused by something in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains or any other gooey organs, for that matter.

Instead, I will remain here in my shell and not harm myself. The heat of August is doing that just fine by itself.

It was one of these times when I hurt myself in the past. Much time has passed since then.

I won't hurt myself and have to need my medicare to get help. I mean, I seriously thought of cutting off my male parts. That would be fatal. As nice as that sounds, I am not ready yet.

Oh, one more thing that upsets me to the core. Someone broke the screen of my LG Neon cell phone. I have to get a new one and I am stressing over which one to get. My # shouldn't change, it would be a lot of trouble if it did.

I am posting this picture of the crack if you are interested.

Icky Again

This is getting old. I am trying to find the cause and it might be whole milk which I used to make a skillet meal. I am lactose intolerant. I get icky effects if I drink whole milk, which is contrary to my early life.

I use 2% milk and it doesn't bother me. However, last time, they brought in whole milk. Got no choice when recipes call for it. I am sick of not having money in the last two weeks of the month. I could fix this.

Dia-icky hit me at 830 last night and I had to GO. it was like entrails liquefying, hot feeling and icky, so icky.

I had an accident but I cleaned my underwear right away and they should be okay.

It was not a pair I am particularly fond of anyway.

I don't know if this amuses you or not. I thought it was amusing but this is the second day of this and maybe something's wrong.

I know it is dia-icky when this pressure builds and presses on my prostate, HURTS, it does. I don't need that pain to intensify.

If I am getting sick, I don't know what to do. I still don't know how to use Medicare. Besides, going to the doctor for dia-icky is almost as embarrassing as a prostate exam.

It's been so hot, sweaty, losing body hydration. Dia-icky makes it worse. I have been so darn thirsty.

I will let you know if this persists because after 3 days, I will have to go to the doctor.

Are you shy when you go the doctor? I am not. Too many times when embarrassing things happened.

Ha ha, Dia-Icky

Maybe it is funny. Not at the time for it feels like your guts are liquefying and cleaning up is like ick.

I had it again. Could be that I drank a Dr. Pepper, which is like a laxative in soda form. Many years ago, an IHOP waitress told me and my friend Ed that Dr. Pepper is like prune juice. I don't know, I never had prune juice to my knowledge.

I am in the white part of my laundry cycle. I hope I don't have another bout of dia-icky. Wouldn't want to stain my white C-IN2 briefs. 

If soda is so bad for you, why is it so readily available? I will stick to Sierra Mist and an occasional Pepsi.

Can't drink Coke, something in it really irritates my prostate. I drink one, I will hurt.

Dia-icky hurts like that.

Still, it can be funny, squishy funny.

How often do you have dia-icky? It's not funny, but really, it is if you take a light-hearted look at it.

TS Lowell

Personal issues aside, let us look upon Tropical Storm Lowell in the Pacific. It is about 150 miles west of Baja California moving northwest.



It is doomed to dissipate because of cooler seas in its path and upper level ridging that has drier air. It will not be a threat to land but ships, I am sure they give such storms a wide berth. 

Underwear Trouble

Eventually, I will overcome the resistance to taking a picture of me with my MeUndies on but not today. Not that I want to show off my ant bites.

As it fits, the fabric is a little different. From a plant source, it feels soft and stretchy. Normally, underwear is made from cottony material that doesn't feel like this.

I wear briefs only. That is a personal preference. I have had a subscription with MeUndies for almost a full year.

They do ride up sometimes. In some pairs, not all, my scrotal skin is exposed. They say 'wear a bigger pair', but I tried that and it is like my genitals are not even secured.

The best thing about MeUndies briefs are that you literally cannot feel them when you have them on. This can be an issue if someone or something touches your privates, it is like not a barrier of fabric like say a pair of C-IN2 briefs are. Kinda like that barrier of fabric.

I have a lot of underwear. I am always searching for that perfect pair. If MeUndies, not made anywhere in this hemisphere, was cut like C-IN2 briefs, they would be perfect.

What is the problem? So I had a defective product. I told them and they issued me a credit, typical biz. Then they send me the wrong color, a tealish color that matches nothing in my wardrobe. You know how important color matching is to me.

Now what? Do I send them back? Don't worry, I didn't wear them, I don't want them. If so, I will have to wait until I can afford postage in about 2 weeks.

This really bothers me. I am already feeling quasi-suicidal today, here by myself, where anxiety is power boosted.

I am not shy like that. I will post a picture of me with MeUndies on. If you don't like it, what did you come here for?

Hate Sunday

I have established that I don't like Sundays. The reason is not anything in particular. I don't go to church, that would lead to questions and I feel bad enough as it is.

Sundays, days where life seems to crystalize. Many people have the day off, though many more do not. I was one of those when I was working.

On this sunday, everyone is outside. I hate going outside. Panic-bait. Sunlight, people with whom I am not familiar, sure ways to tickle my anxiety feathers.

I have having severe male pain right now. I cannot say what caused this, haven't done anything different. I am also having issues with my peena. It seems to never be in the same state twice. I can't sustain rigidity when I hurt so.

Certain underwear hurts me. I am sticking to those with the shaped front with room and doesn't constrict.

This stupid sunday. The NASCAR race seems pointless. Not as fun as it normally appears early in the season. Could be the channel it is on.

My mom is in the hospital. The longer it goes on, the more it distresses me. I don't know much, but I will go see her soon.

I hate aging and time. Entropy, that is what it is.

Maybe it will rain today and match how I feel.

Arthelius the Ghost says: "Days don't mean much when are spectral."

Lucky him.

Dia-Icky Again

Am I going to write about every time I have dia-icky? Why not? It doesn't happen very often, usually when I eat or drink or eat something that causes it.

What was it this time? Too much sugar, of course. When I have to make my own tea (I prefer to buy the gallon jug of sweet tea already made) I put one cup of sugar in one gallon of tea.

Okay, this is typical. But I use ice to 'water down' this and have more water than tea. This is a good thing. This makes it less sugary.

When you drink it without ice, as we didn't have any until a bit ago, this can cause what happened to me.

Icky, icky. You know from previous posts I don't like to poo. Dia-icky hurts in a different way.

Boom! Icky....

I cleaned up like usual, Dial and everything. Washing my nether area too much will dry it out and that is not a good thing.

I will ease up on the sugar.

This is a post about a bodily function. Dia-icky happens to everyone some time or other.

Might as well find something amusing about it.

TS Karina

This is Tropical Storm Karina, out in the Pacific.








Dry air is affecting it and it may intensify a bit as it moves westward, it will run into cooler seas and that inhibits storm development. This storm has around 40-60 mph winds and is staying together despite the dry air layer. It may not be more photogenic than this. I like the clouds myself.

That land in the right side of the picture is Mexico. It is moving westerly away from there.

I don't like Sundays

It is supposed to be a nice day to be thankful for what you have and all that. It is a nice day to go to the park or see a movie or go out to eat.  It is a nice day off for the Post Office, banks and others that live by 'business days', a concept that should be abolished.

Let me talk about Sunday. For most of my adult life, even when I was a teenager, I worked on Sunday. I always considered it a workday. Why does walmart pay a Sunday Premium? Are you not supposed to work on Sunday?

I could go to church but that would lead to questions and I told you about questions. My beliefs are dependent to not asking questions that could cause a suicidal feeling.

I feel the worst on Sundays. I feel more worthless than usual and I reckon that it will be a Sunday when I will end this life. But not this Sunday. 

I have a hope that I will find love. I have a hope that I will eventually get help for my anxiety disorder.

If I do, Sundays would not be such a difficult day for me.

Gynecomastia?

I have written before what that doctor told me about my Low T. I feel some effects of it, like lack of energy but if it was true, my peena would be affected and it is not. It could be related to my prostate trouble but I don't know. I am not a doctor.

I think it's not happening but I look down in the shower and rub soap on my chest and something is there. It doesn't feel like a girl's bosom, even Jen let me touch hers.

I don't know if it is happening but if it does, how would that change my life? I am already too shy. I had a panic attack just going to get ice a few moments ago.

Maybe it is not happening. This could be just a feature of maleness. It is something I hate as you know.

I am posting a picture of my chest to show if this is happening. Compare it to the last time I talked about this.

Male Pain

Forgive me, I had to show you what hurts and where. In this picture, the prostate is that yellowish thing at the base of the bladder.

You can see how the rectum comes down and it expands and contracts as it fills and empties.

My pain is focused on the prostate, those parts that look like plumbing and in the very inside base of the peena.

When poo comes down to be eliminated from the body, it builds up in the rectum and causes expansion. This expansion is what you feel when you need to poo. In me, it expands like that and presses on these parts causing intense pain.

I always hurt in these parts, especially during and after I pee. The pain can sear down the urethra, the tube leading from the bladder to outside.

Mind that urology won't help me. I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. I don't know how to use it. I don't know what to do really but hurt, and I mean hurt. I can't wear jeans for very long. I can't even wear certain kinds of underwear. My C-IN2 and MeUndies briefs do not hurt me.

I wear briefs because I have always worn briefs and that is what I like. I have tried boxer briefs in the past but I don't like them.

I don't care what other guys wear. I like what I like. I hope this picture gives you an idea of where I hurt. This pain can be anywhere in the parts, but is focused on the prostate, it's all interconnected.

I guess I will hurt here for the rest of my life. It has been 5 years now since this started.

If I could have it all removed, I would. I would hurt no more, I believe.

Hurricane Julio

This is Category 2 Hurricane Julio in the Pacific, heading near Hawaii.







I know next to nothing about Hawaii so I don't know what happens there. I am sure they prepare for storms like anyone else would. Hurricanes can dump prodigious amounts of rain on a location. The winds are terrible.

I hope this one misses the islands as its forecast track takes it north of them. However, a weakened Iselle is hitting the islands now.

I wonder why the Atlantic Basin has been relatively quiet. Of course, we like it that way.

Too Hot

Every summer of my life has been hot. I mean, who could forget the 40+ straight days of 100 degrees F in 2011? I am used to it, it is the comfortable state to be in usually.

But....

I guess my constitution changed in the last 10 years. I get hot and cannot deal. I have taken to wearing only my underwear and t-shirt. I don't really care if you can see me like that. I am male, yes. I wish I wasn't but I have already talked about that.

I sweat, anxiety sweat is the most common but heat sweat is worse. It dehydrates ya, it is sticky and feels icky.

I sweat when I sleep. It is so warm in here. This will make it tougher to deal with cold when it does come.

I cannot take a picture of me with my MeUndies on. You can see the approximate size and shape of my peena. Like it is written elsewhere, cannot tell size from a relaxed one. This is especially true in my case.

I wish I didn't have one. I wish I could change like in SF stories where a machine does it. But that isn't real and I have to deal with this intense hatred of maleness.

If that is not mentally ill. What is?

Relieved

My financial goof is fixed. I will have a chicken dinner later.

I have been hurting. It is my male pain, in my testicles and prostate, it burns always, especially when I pee.

I do not trust medicare, I don't know how to use it. I don't know anything about it. If I went to the doctor, I don't know how much it would cost.

Besides that, it would likely result in a DRE. I don't want that, no more than I want to drive a nail into my foot. The discomfort is the same for me.

I have been wearing my MeUndies because they don't hurt me like some other briefs do. Jeans hurt me the worst. I wear sweat pants most of the time.

It is the poo pain too, pressure on my prostate. How can anyone think the human design is the penultimate of nature? We are just another animal species.

Oh, here is the shave check picture as I shaved yesterday. I don't know if my face is feminizing. That diabetes doctor said it was a possibility with Low T. And mine is critically low.

Trouble

Every month, I pay Directv an inordinate amount of money. It is my responsibility here. Okay, that's how it is, has been for a long time now. I deal with it.

But last time...

Understand, my old debit card was destroyed. I had to get a new one, a completely different number and everything. So I inputted the new card and deleted the old. At first, the stupid over-complicated website said it did not take. I re-entered it and then checked my balance sheet, oops. It DID take.

I paid the same bill twice.

I am on a fixed income. I cannot deal with an inordinate amount of money being missing from my balance. What is the deal? Can't they just refund the overpayment?

This is stressing me to the max.

I don't know but will killing myself solve this problem? Don't need the money then.

No, this should smooth out and be taken care of. You know banks move at a glacial pace.

Ants on my bed! What the fuck? I think I got them all. I don't have many bites from them, despite being sweaty which draws insects because of salt and other things in sweat.

Should I post pictures of my ant bites? How about the two on my scrotum? I am sick of this! It grinds on my anxiety as bad as this budget mistake.

I don't know what will happen. If this settles favorably, I will have a nice chicken dinner, which is always a good thing.

If not, I told you about the dark place. If you like or love me, please pray for me.

Hurricane Iselle

This is a Category 2 hurricane with the attractive name of Iselle.

It is in the Eastern Pacific, about 1000 miles from the Big Island of Hawaii.


It is not a danger to land but I wonder if vehicle traffic avoids such storms when at sea. It is only pragmatism to avoid. There is a tropical storm in the Atlantic Basin but it is not photogenic yet, not recognizably a swirly low pressure pattern yet.

Talking about tropical storms is much better than the drip drip of my mental and body problems, is it not?

'Lucy'

I went to the theater yesterday. The first time I have been in 5 years. It is a smaller theater in a town I am familiar with. It was an afternoon matinee and there were only a handful of people there, none seated within 20 feet of me.

This enables me to go see movies. I cannot deal with crowds at all. I felt panicky but gave myself over to concentrating on watching the movie.

I went and saw 'Lucy'. I ordinarily don't go see movies, I mean, I have Starz and HBO, but I like Luc Besson's films and I like it when a female protag is in a movie like that.

It had a lot of animal imagery, then an unlikely ending. I won't give anything away other than it was pretty violent. Gunplay wise.

What if we could control time? Where would you go? If it was like Lucy could, I would go back to see Akhenaten and find out the truth from back then. Too many questions and I told you about questions and the dark place.

Oh, MeUndies has come up with a good design of the month for a change. Solid color briefs are fine most of the time but a pattern is all right sometimes.

It will be a year in September since I have subscribed to their plan, a pair of briefs, mostly S but their size chart has my size (31) as M. Both fit reasonably.

I could post a picture of me in them but gosh, do you want to see it?

I am wearing my red ones now, color matching with my red shirt.

About 'Lucy', I wonder how many people realized that it was Lucy the Australopithecine, not an ape in some scenes. The prehistoric Lucy, who is now just a fragmentary group of fossilized bones, was of a species that was either ancestral or concurrent with ancestors to our species. I have always believed that they were ancestral. Too much like us. Or we are like them. Australopithecines lived millions of years ago.

We peculiar humans have only been around for 100k years or so. A blip in geologic time.

Human evolution has always been an interest of mine. I have a book, 'From Lucy to Language' which strengthened my belief in it.

Why are we different? Questions. No more questions for today.

I liked the movie a lot. I'll get the Blu-ray when it comes out.

Dia-icky Again

How about another post about a bodily function?

I did not eat for many hours because we ran out of food one day before payday. This is all right, I didn't suffer too much.

But I went to Jack in the Box and I don't usually eat fast food anymore. I do enjoy it but it has a problem.

I believe it is the soda that causes this. I was sitting here chatting with my cousin on fb and it hit me, an extreme pain in my prostate, happens when there is colon pressure on it, typical when I have to poo. This was worse than the normal poo pain.

I went and drip drip, there goes dia-icky. Like water. Icky ew, I don't use tp, I went and re-washed my nether area.

Now I hurt in my prostate area because once it is hurt by poo pressure or the doctors pressing on my prostate in a digital rectal exam, it will hurt for a while.

I could not have sex with this pain. It isn't that I couldn't get hard, I cannot sustain it because it hurts inside. If you know anything about male anatomy, the prostate gland is right under the urinary bladder. The base of the peena is nearby, anchored to the pubis bone. When hard, the peena applies lateral pressure in the prostate and in sex, more pressure and it goes in and out. This is why it hurts me to have sex.

The m-thing doesn't hurt like this but I can't do it when I hurt like right now.

Dia-icky hurts like this. I will avoid fast food for a while as this would have been a disaster if I was in a public place.

I changed into black underwear just in case. Did you know Spanx makes guys' underwear too?

I know this post would bother some people, but this is how it is. I am not shy about talking about this pain I live with every day.

I saw my prostate gland on a CT scan. I was more taken by my pelvis on there, like a deep narrow bowl. I wish I could get access to it so I could post it. I should, that contrast fluid I had to drink was icky gross. I could barely stand it.

I am going to have to go back to urology again. Almost certain that I will get another torturous DRE. I have to give pee, they might milk my prostate, which is embarrassing. That was only done once but that is once more than I want that to happen. I hate that.

I know girls can have a lot of problems in their system but this guy problem is like fuck, can't even pee and it not hurt.

Can't post images like that here but I would if I could. The state of my peena is a good indicator if I am hurting or not, though anxiety causes it too.

Being a ghost, Arthelius doesn't have these problems. Of course, his girlfriend is a tawny haired Wookie female.