Distress

I have a cyclical problem. it is related to my anxiety disorder like all of my problems are. I said I would not post complaints here again but this isn't a complaint, this is an expression of the pain I feel.

I have a long memory now. I can remember when life wasn't so bad. I was the only male grandchild for a long time (until I was 12). Much beloved. Then they were gone. Through cancer or old age, they were gone and have been gone for more than 20 years.

Now, my life hasn't changed that much since I left wm. Every day it is the same bs. But in the times I was here alone, it was sheer discomfort and panic. I have never been alone.

I don't know if I could deal with it. I do not have a girlfriend and I question if I could even have one. What would she think of me, stuck in my shell? My time with Jen taught me a few important lessons and not the obvious ones like cruelty and indifference (Which are the same to me).

I have no money. When you are on a fixed income, it goes fast. Things cost more, especially meat. Why the fuck do I have to keep eating meat? Do you know how much chicken costs? I can't find an economical good alternative to meat.

My SS is supposed to be about me. Why does it go to these others? "Oh, I need something." Can't say no, don't want to be a bad person, the guilt would provoke anxiety.

I suppose if I killed myself, it would stop and how would it affect them? I am a bad person because I wanted the pain to stop?

Not just anxiety pain. I have a constant pain in my uro-g tract. Not an infection like girls get, prostatitis. It never goes away. It is so uncomfortable to pee. You have to pee, frequently if you are hydrated. It hurts me to do so, then the drip. I have a shave check picture of my pubic area and I had a pee drip, ruining it.

I am upset but not like you get upset. I feel upset because of my pain.

I cannot wash clothes. I haven't been to the Laundromat since October the 3rd. My wardrobe cannot support this lengthy time between washing. I am having to wear the same sweat pants, that isn't so bad. I will not run out of shirts or underwear, I am almost out of socks. I cannot deal without socks.

Now my skin is breaking out. More blemishes on my pale hide, as if the fading ant bites weren't enough.

This has never happened before. I don't know how to deal with it. I sit here in a shirt and my MeUndies. Should my Aunt visit or I am called to go feed the dog outside, oops. I have boy parts you know, big deal.

Anxiety would not let me go where others can see me like that.

I am not shy like that and I wonder if age is gentle to me as it has been so far, will it be a big deal.

This cyclical pain causes self-hate, self-injury, despair, and physical pain.

I have no one to talk to. The internet? Don't be funny. It is a faceless bulletin board in the broadest sense of the term.

I will sit here and try not to hurt myself. I may have a story to write.

When you read this, what do you think? The comment blank below isn't there just for show.