This winter has been harsh. I have been unemployed since June and now, repurcusssions include all but starving. That is not a problem now but the future is uncertain.
I lack the means to go anywhere. The car I drive was repo'ed in October. Err. Was this my fault? Not really. It was not my car, but I coulda helped. I feel guilty anyway.
I may have mentioned before that I don't take cold very well. This is true as I write this, my hands are cold. Yet, it is in the low 70's in my room. It is 48 outside at the moment.
I do not have reliable net access. I had to borrow a wireless card to get my pc online. This is not always available.
I am hoping to get a new job later in this winter, even if I have to return to the Evil Empire, um, walmart.
There is no guarantee that my anxiety won't wind up and snap again. I am a suicide risk when it does. I am okay as long as I stay in here and calm.
I think of the almost 17 years since I graduated high school. I have changed much in that time, and not all for the better. I feel sad when I think of that time. I thought my adult life would have been much better. None of it came true.
I maintain my sweetness and caring, and I am sorry for any bad thing I did, including the disasterous breakup with Malee. I wonder if she still hates me. That was the fault of my medicine, which reduces my willpower and resistance to temptation, keeping secrets, etc... I have reduced my medicine to make it last and have regained much of what makes me sweet. I feel guilty for that as well.
No, I did not cheat, I would never do that. I am not a sexually driven guy, as I have chronic prostatis, which ALWAYS hurts, esp when I pee or do the other thing.
I want a girlfriend who understands and cares, but sitting here, I am not going to meet her. Just as well. I am doomed to be alone.
I will not post many more posts like this, because this blog was never meant to be that personal. I will try to get more reliable net access when I get a tax return.
Happy New Year to everyone, may it be better than the last.
