I may be agoraphobic but I do have to go to the Laundromat if I want clean clothes, vital. I am subject to skin irritation, cursed with dry, sensitive skin like a girl's skin.
I don't know, but what I do know, not washing, wearing dirty clothes, I will get skin irritation. You try scratching your itchy private area in a polite setting. You can't and not seem like a base slob.
The Laundromat I used for many years closed last summer. I imagine the city made it close because it was next door to the LCSO and the county jail.
I am from a small town and things are set out neatly. I don't like going to the larger next town but I had to because it was late and the new laundry in my hometown closes at 10 pm. Much of the town does too.
So I went to the next town and the laundry there isn't so bad. It has TV's to watch and a good change machine. I used to have to get change at the car wash up the road from the old laundry I used.
So I did my laundry, read the most recent issue of 'Archaeology' as I did so. I save it for that, actually.
When I was done, I was leaving.
This woman came to me. She was about a few inches shorter than me with dark hair. A lined face. She was skittish and quiet. I forget her name, much to my chagrin.
She claimed that she and her family went to the big hospital in a town 70 miles from here. They were coming back and ran out of gas, getting stranded in the that town.
She wanted a ride to the grocery store. I was going there anyway so I agreed to help her.
I do hope, if her story was true, she got home okay. But some things make me wonder, was it true?
I do not have people skills. Well, I do, from my time in retail but I am uncomfortable among other people.
I did not look at her and we did not talk much. I am wondering, was it the Christian thing to do? I believe it was. I helped her and even if her story wasn't true, I did help her out some.
I don't go anywhere much at all. Going to the laundry is one of the only very few times that I go anywhere during the month. I try to time it to when my SSI comes every month.
I will only go to the laundry in my hometown from now on. I don't want panic-bait to happen like that again. I was panicked. After going to the store, I drove fast home, panic-driven.
I need to get new laundry soap anyway. Ran out. I used ALL 'Sensitive'. I have always used ALL. Always will.
I think it is funny if people saw my MeUndies. I may bring my laptop next time so I can write. I seem to write better when focused like I can be waiting for my clothes to wash and dry.
Quarters, freaking quarters. A pocket full of them is like a deadweight in your pants.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Holiday (Not For Me)
The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.
You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.
I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.
The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.
It is also the shortest day of the year.
I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.
Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.
I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.
I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.
This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.
I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.
The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.
I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.
You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?
You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.
I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.
The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.
It is also the shortest day of the year.
I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.
Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.
I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.
I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.
This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.
I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.
The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.
I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.
You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?
Possible Cause
I am having trouble sleeping, woke up way too early. I don't feel well, having the prostate problem again.
I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.
I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.
I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.
I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.
That could be why I feel so bad.
The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.
Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.
I just read that chronic prostatitis (which is what I have) may likely be caused by tension. Well, yeah, this started when I worked at wm. A never ending pain in the center of my pelvic area that subsides to a tolerable pain most of the time and, like now, intensifies into a burning ache that cannot be described in simple terms.
I have to pee often, 3 times in the last 2 hours and it isn't like my bladder was full. Still, had to go, it was what made me get up way too early.
I have noticed some kinds of underwear make it hurt more than normal. I will stick to my MeUndies and C-IN2 briefs because they don't hurt me.
I have come to hate my male parts. I feel a constant need, which is natural, but I have no female friend like that. I don't have a female friend in person at all.
That could be why I feel so bad.
The tension is caused by my anxiety disorder. I cannot avoid it. I wish someone would show me how to relax the tension.
Really, think what? I hurt, no thinking involved.
Wednesday, December 10, 2014
Male Pain
I have been hurting a lot today. I had a urinary issue when I woke up and gosh, talk about hurt, it was intense.
What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?
No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.
I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.
My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.
The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.
This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.
I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.
I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.
Really, think what?
I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.
What is the cause here? Caffeine? Too much water? The m-thing?
No, it is either the urinary trouble or the m-thing. Not to mention having to go #2, that pressure literally presses on my stress-damaged prostate gland.
I can talk about this because it is a daily pain for me, just was particularly bad today.
My parts remain functional but mind says not today because I am hurting so.
The pain will subside if it behaves like normal.
This is a male-specific pain. I know it would pale in comparison to a menstrual cramp or something else female-specific but think, I am not supposed to hurt here, not at my age.
I hate peeing, yes, but it is necessary. I cannot hold it, to be honest and I gotta go. I don't always feel it when it is time, only when I get up and walk around which I do more often than not.
I would post a picture of these parts but this ain't that kind of blog.
Really, think what?
I think I hurt, no, it's more like knowing.
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Tuesday Again
You ought to know by now that I shave on Tuesdays. I hate shaving, it hurts. I would try electric but it doesn't do such a good job. I was unable to get a new razor.
When I go to the store for the 1 time of the month, it is at night and the stupid wm associates working get in the way. When I worked at wm, you had to move or else. I guess they weren't told that.
I can't use the Bodygroom in the daytime, privacy issues. I am naked for my body shave, usually right before a shower. So, I will tonight.
I will post my pelvic shave check picture later if you want.
Instead, this is about my poor face. I cut my chin but it will be all right, that fucking razor slipped in my hand. It won't leave a blemish.
I will get a better razor and maybe change how I shave. I don't know, no one told me.
When I go to the store for the 1 time of the month, it is at night and the stupid wm associates working get in the way. When I worked at wm, you had to move or else. I guess they weren't told that.
I can't use the Bodygroom in the daytime, privacy issues. I am naked for my body shave, usually right before a shower. So, I will tonight.
I will post my pelvic shave check picture later if you want.
Instead, this is about my poor face. I cut my chin but it will be all right, that fucking razor slipped in my hand. It won't leave a blemish.
I will get a better razor and maybe change how I shave. I don't know, no one told me.
Amusement
This most recent thing about the drama with my cousins has provoked my odd sense of humor. Fuck them if they don't want to talk to me any more.
I say Really, think what?
People I don't know in person, they would be amongst them are like flat characters in a story. Background. None of them even bothered to call or text me during the last 15 years of unemployment and that hell time that was my time at wm.
I did not always have anxiety disorder. It developed in that hell time.
Things that provoke it, I can avoid. But what does it matter, really?
In the grand scheme of things, this all will be forgotten one day. Just as people who lived during the early 1900s are being forgotten.
I may fear my elder life but really, what is the sense in worrying about it? I will age, can't stop it. Entropy is the way of things.
I will be amused and say really, think what?
Because what you think.... does it really matter?
Arthelius the Ghost and Marraka have returned from M83 with some cool pictures but the radiation there melted their camera. See, if they thought, what? They would have brought one that is shielded from that. Typical.
I say Really, think what?
People I don't know in person, they would be amongst them are like flat characters in a story. Background. None of them even bothered to call or text me during the last 15 years of unemployment and that hell time that was my time at wm.
I did not always have anxiety disorder. It developed in that hell time.
Things that provoke it, I can avoid. But what does it matter, really?
In the grand scheme of things, this all will be forgotten one day. Just as people who lived during the early 1900s are being forgotten.
I may fear my elder life but really, what is the sense in worrying about it? I will age, can't stop it. Entropy is the way of things.
I will be amused and say really, think what?
Because what you think.... does it really matter?
Arthelius the Ghost and Marraka have returned from M83 with some cool pictures but the radiation there melted their camera. See, if they thought, what? They would have brought one that is shielded from that. Typical.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Really
People are insensitive and cruel. And you wonder why I have agoraphobia....
I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.
All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.
Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.
Especially a female.
There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.
Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.
KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.
Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.
Ar-Ghost.
I got to a state where it doesn't mean anything. People do more harm than good with their reactions. Must think of outcomes to your decisions.
All we are is a race of stupid apes who were cursed with intelligence. Where do we fit in the natural world? Are we native to any one part of it? My DNA goes back to Western Europe only. I may be native to Tx but human beings are not naturally native to anywhere in North America.
Being a White American disconnects ties to distant ancestors. I likely have kin all over the east and back in the UK but I will never meet them.
I don't know. I wouldn't want to meet people I don't know. No one is really your friend.
Especially a female.
There, I said it. It isn't misogyny. I like women a lot, but their behavior is like ????? sometimes.
Curse me for my subscription to PH. It was paid for months ago. Budgeted, not that it is expensive.
KMT is the most expensive magazine to which I subscribe.
Aw, forget it. I like being a ghost and being a ghost, I shall be.
Ar-Ghost.
Sunday, December 7, 2014
Contribution
As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.
I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.
I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.
It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.
Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.
Something had to come before.
Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.
Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.
I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.
This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.
I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.
No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.
She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.
Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.
I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.
I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.
I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.
Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.
I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.
That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.
If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.
If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.
Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.
$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.
I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.
If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.
Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.
I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.
I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.
It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.
Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.
Something had to come before.
Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.
Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.
I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.
This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.
I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.
No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.
She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.
Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.
I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.
I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.
I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.
Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.
I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.
That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.
If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.
If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.
Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.
$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.
I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.
If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.
Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.
Good
I used to bring my lunch occasionally to wm. Towards the end of my time there, I went to the McDonald's inside the store for a chicken sandwich. I alternated because the same-old gets old.
I developed a liking for swiss cheese then. I don't recall really having it before then, never thought about it.
It really began one day at Subway when I ordered ham and swiss. I liked the swiss cheese and have tried to get it ever since.
I primarily shop at wm because it is in the night after my benefit comes and when you look at swiss cheese there, it comes in these huge slices in long packages with only 10 or so slices in them.
I do not like that.
What I like is the swiss cheese packages like American cheese is packaged. This is a store-specific item in a store called HEB, which is primarily a Texas store.
It never bothered me too much to go to a specific place for a specific item. I mean, when I was at wm, I got my lunch items at HEB because they were better and their version of lemon-lime soda 'Twist' is my favorite lemon-lime soda.
I like Sprite but it costs too much. I can't really drink cola anymore, it will make me hurt. I used to only drink Sprite when it was really hot outside. Now it is pretty much the only soda I can tolerate.
Not that I drink much soda. Not like I used to. It isn't good for you, I know. I drink one when I first get up and eat my granola bar. Not much of a breakfast but it's okay for me. At least I am eating something.
I am particular in what I like in food. It isn't complicated or hard. I mean, I like Hormel Chili with beans a lot but it's not an everyday thing. I don't like any other chili.
I feel better. I mean, I will always have anxiety but I won't let it beat me.
Eating better means feeling better, count on that.
I developed a liking for swiss cheese then. I don't recall really having it before then, never thought about it.
It really began one day at Subway when I ordered ham and swiss. I liked the swiss cheese and have tried to get it ever since.
I primarily shop at wm because it is in the night after my benefit comes and when you look at swiss cheese there, it comes in these huge slices in long packages with only 10 or so slices in them.
I do not like that.
What I like is the swiss cheese packages like American cheese is packaged. This is a store-specific item in a store called HEB, which is primarily a Texas store.
It never bothered me too much to go to a specific place for a specific item. I mean, when I was at wm, I got my lunch items at HEB because they were better and their version of lemon-lime soda 'Twist' is my favorite lemon-lime soda.
I like Sprite but it costs too much. I can't really drink cola anymore, it will make me hurt. I used to only drink Sprite when it was really hot outside. Now it is pretty much the only soda I can tolerate.
Not that I drink much soda. Not like I used to. It isn't good for you, I know. I drink one when I first get up and eat my granola bar. Not much of a breakfast but it's okay for me. At least I am eating something.
I am particular in what I like in food. It isn't complicated or hard. I mean, I like Hormel Chili with beans a lot but it's not an everyday thing. I don't like any other chili.
I feel better. I mean, I will always have anxiety but I won't let it beat me.
Eating better means feeling better, count on that.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Super Typhoon Hagupit
I don't like storms that hurt people.
I like Filipino people, my first gf was Filipina. I don't want anyone to get hurt by this cyclone but it always happens. I can't say what life's like there. Never been there.
This storm will pass over the islands and continue on to northern Indochina or even China, weakening before it hits as it encounters shear.
I will hope no one is killed by this storm. It is late in the year to feature a storm like this but the weather never stops.
Feelings
I have moments when the shame and depression get to me. I do not talk about certain things because someone might get upset and think it is a suicide plea.
I have a belief that things will make sense one day.
I have a desire to love again.
I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.
I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.
I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.
I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.
I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?
I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.
The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.
I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.
I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.
You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.
I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.
I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.
I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.
My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.
If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.
I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.
I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.
This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.
I have a belief that things will make sense one day.
I have a desire to love again.
I have just the protective things I have, music, people leaving me alone. I let the stress get to me.
I was in the bath when they came, gosh, I mean, they could see my peena for a moment. I had a panic attack and stood in the rain to chill.
I am not going to post any more negative posts. I will not hurt myself like that. I am clumsy and have accidents. Cooking... I seem to get burned a lot. The ant bite scars on my leg and scrotal skin. Blemishes.
I do not have anything that I can hurt myself intentionally with. I avoid those things. I avoid letting stress get to me like that by my belief that this wasn't meant to happen.
I have a girl's mental illness. You can say anyone can get anxiety disorder but it is a primarily female condition. Why? What happened to make it so bad?
I have always been shy. Shy to the point of working instead of going to the prom. I never learned to swim because I didn't want to wear swim trunks. When I was a young teenager, there was an incident and ... some things don't need to be remembered.
The house down the hill we used to stay in. The door's hinges were broke. When air pressure changes, like in a thunderstorm, it popped off. It did one day when it was raining really hard.
I took off my clothes and put on my sister's bf's shorts, I don't own any shorts. That dude was much bigger than me.
I ran around the house to get the door but when I did so, the shorts fell off. Naked me in front of the highway.
You have seen pictures of my skin, you know I am pale to max. More so back then in my 20s.
I wouldn't care if you saw me naked now. I got to the point of thinking, I am just a guy. When in totality, my peena is not that big when anxiety-retracted when compared to my body. It would be anxiety-retracted if someone saw me.
I have always been that way. Probably always will. I never used a communal shower. I never use a urinal in the public bathroom. I just have that kind of shyness. It isn't prudism.
I will be okay. I have defense mechanisms if I feel too bad.
My cousin said I was a bad person. Really? I haven't contributed to human extinction through overpopulation. I never hurt anyone. I just avoid the things that cause my anxiety to uncoil.
If you are worried about me, e-mail me, call me, the relevant ones have my number. I will be okay. I will be okay, really.
I am upset that my ps2 has come but the post office didn't deliver it. I will get it tomorrow, even if I have to ask the postmaster.
I will talk about the cyclone threatening the Philippines later.
This bad personal stuff in my blog sullies it, imo.
Anxiety Error
Maybe I said something on fb I shouldn't have. I was upset, happens often here. I was working on my old pc and not connected and my cousins panicked. They never answered anything before.
Why am I Ar-Ghost? I am a ghost, I go somewhere rarely and I stay in here all the time. I can't enjoy my music and I had a story to write but can't when I am upset.
I stood out in the rain for 2 hours. I just felt.... the 2nd time in my life the LCSO has come out here to check on me. Having a deputy tell me that I need to go to people who did not help me before.
It is my fault, the causality lies with me. I will not make any further errors. I will be right here and wait for my purchases to come.
I want to not feel stress or anxiety for 1 day.
I am not well, I know this. I am sorry to have worried any one.
And yes, to repeat, my MeUndies subscription was canceled in October. I did order some new ones for the first time since August. But only what I asked for to begin with.
I am not going to stop doing the things that help me manage my daily anxiety.
I am sorry to be trouble to anyone.
Why am I Ar-Ghost? I am a ghost, I go somewhere rarely and I stay in here all the time. I can't enjoy my music and I had a story to write but can't when I am upset.
I stood out in the rain for 2 hours. I just felt.... the 2nd time in my life the LCSO has come out here to check on me. Having a deputy tell me that I need to go to people who did not help me before.
It is my fault, the causality lies with me. I will not make any further errors. I will be right here and wait for my purchases to come.
I want to not feel stress or anxiety for 1 day.
I am not well, I know this. I am sorry to have worried any one.
And yes, to repeat, my MeUndies subscription was canceled in October. I did order some new ones for the first time since August. But only what I asked for to begin with.
I am not going to stop doing the things that help me manage my daily anxiety.
I am sorry to be trouble to anyone.
Thursday, December 4, 2014
Hurting More
I don't know what it is. I have been eating as I should instead of once a day and started eating wheat bread again because I am not getting enough fiber, evident when I go to the bathroom.
I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.
But I was hurting before that.
I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.
Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?
I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.
What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.
Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?
I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.
I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.
I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.
But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.
Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.
I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.
I am hurting in the familiar place, my prostate area, male pain. Something has irritated it. Did I drink a soda? Yes, from Walgreens, a fountain Pepsi. I was thirsty. Should have got water, I know.
But I was hurting before that.
I was told two things to make the pain go away. One is to take a very hot bath, which I do in the night. It does help for a while. The other thing was to do the m-thing or have sex more. Well, the sex thing isn't happening so I have to rely on myself.
Make no mistake, my parts work. However, when I am hurting, I can't get excited. It isn't ED, I could get excited despite the pain with the proper stimulation. (Malee did it with her mouth) I like that, but what guy doesn't?
I would be careful about allowing that again. If it is a bacterial infection making my male pain hurt more than normal, which is hardly rare, I don't want to risk being with another person.
What girl would want to be with me? I am on disability, I have a car but it is destroyed, I have the teeth thing, I have anxiety disorder, I am sort of out of shape.
Gosh, I was wore out after going to the Laundromat yesterday. That was both picking up and carrying that heavy basket and anxiety. Could doing that made my pain worse?
I don't know. I do need to go to the doctor but parts of my medicare do not mature for a few month. I need to see Urology but they don't take medicare, the greedy bastards.
I did write a 'pelvic shave check' post and even put a picture in it. Would you like to see it? Let me know.
I don't know if this pain will persist. I will go to ER if there is blood in my pee or the pain gets too bad. It is almost there.
But it is embarrassing to go to the ER with this problem when there are injured and sick people there.
Also, I don't want that icky lubrication gel they use on my MeUndies. I reconsidered because I did need a red pair, the origin of this conflict, and finally broke down and ordered a pair. I feel alienated by them but hey, it's underwear. It's not a big deal.
I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a distinction. What makes me male? Male parts? Body plan? Addled mushy brain? Anxiety has distorted my self-image for a long time. I am male, yes, and will stay that way until the next life.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
Not This Time
I took a shave check picture like I do after every shave but I did not like it. Looked too disheveled. I am conscious that my hair is messy in some of the pictures, more so in this one but that isn't the focus of the picture.
I could post my pelvic shave check picture if you were interested. I lost the cord to my bodygroom razor's charger. I have a tangle of wires here and it probably is among them. I will need to find it or else. The razor's battery is low.
I don't want to get shaving and it die on me. That happened when I first started using bodygroom razors 5 years ago.
Body hair is easy to shave, pubic, not so much. Have to be careful.
Far and away, the part I hate to shave most is my face. It hurts and maybe it is the wet shave. It was cold and sitting by the heater dries my skin out. Moisture was restored by Aveeno and Dove. I use Dove on my face only but I just got a new Cetaphil bar so I will be using that until it is worn away.
I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will try to take a better one next week.
I could post my pelvic shave check picture if you were interested. I lost the cord to my bodygroom razor's charger. I have a tangle of wires here and it probably is among them. I will need to find it or else. The razor's battery is low.
I don't want to get shaving and it die on me. That happened when I first started using bodygroom razors 5 years ago.
Body hair is easy to shave, pubic, not so much. Have to be careful.
Far and away, the part I hate to shave most is my face. It hurts and maybe it is the wet shave. It was cold and sitting by the heater dries my skin out. Moisture was restored by Aveeno and Dove. I use Dove on my face only but I just got a new Cetaphil bar so I will be using that until it is worn away.
I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will try to take a better one next week.