Finally

My laundry is done. I feel a lot better but there is something wrong. I know I shouldn't drink Coca-Cola, something in it irritates my prostate gland, which doesn't need irritation to hurt.

I went without caffeine and sugar for 2 days. I was feeling it badly. So I thought, a 1-liter Coke would help restore what is bad but I need it. I do like Coke but it is bad for me.

I do feel better like that but now I hurt more than normal. It is agony to pee. I need to do the m-thing to clear things like Dr. H said but I can't this time of day.

Have no privacy and really, I am used to doing that at night. Makes a mess, too.

I can talk about this because I am not shy like that.

Not that you need to know that. I will not talk about it.

I will make December better. I will try to get a new phone and some things I couldn't get this month. $345 in wm?! Seriously? I felt anxiety close in like a vise but it was the normal items with holiday items like cake mix and etc...

I cannot sustain this high cost of food. I wish I was really a ghost and wouldn't need any.

Arthelius doesn't have these problems. He has a Wookie girlfriend and a cool spacecraft. What do I have?

Smh....

Hurting Today

I normally wouldn't write about such a thing but my chronic prostatitis has been hurting me for a few days now. It feels like a star radiating pain from a central part within my pelvic area and spreading out from the prostate to those things which it is connected.

This is why my peena hurts. It is a burning pain deep inside, as a good proportion of the peena is inside the body. This what makes peeing so painful. Searing burning. Like someone took a steel wool pad and scoured the inside of the urethra.

If this is TMI, I apologize but this is affecting my daily life in a harsh way. It hurts so bad.

I do not know if my medicare will help me if I go to the doctor about this. I don't want another DRE. I don't want a doctor touching my peena to check for lumps or any other things it does not have.

If I have to have another ultrasound or CT scan, I cannot afford that on medicare.

This pain all but retracts my peena to its smallest state. It hurts so bad.

I am not shy like that. This has nothing to do with sexuality as I am NOT feeling it now. Oh, does it hurt so.

How long can it go untreated until something bad happens? I will go to the doctor if there is blood in my pee or the pain becomes unbearable. It is close to that right now.

Intense P-Pain

I understand some readers of this blog aren't American. You probably don't know what medicare is. I have it, I pay too much for it. I don't know how to use it but it is some kind of health insurance.

I am having intense uro-genital pain from my recurrent prostatitis. Stress can cause it, diet can cause it, the urologist that used to help me before he moved to another hospital told me caffeine can cause it. I only use one teabag per gallon in my ice tea to lessen the caffeine trip.

Perversely, not doing the m-thing for a while can cause pain for a while. If it was wrong to do the m-thing, why then does it help alleviate some pain?

Can underwear cause it? I wear briefs, primarily C-IN2 and MeUndies. They don't cause pain because when I am naked, it hurts just the same.

I cannot get excited when it hurts so bad. In my last sexual experience in the winter of 09, this pain intensified and caused embarrassment to the max. I cannot go into detail and embarrass my ex-girlfriend. That's just wrong.

Also, going #2, I absolutely don't like to talk about this normal body process. Understand about male anatomy, the descending colon passes right by the prostate gland, the very reason a digital rectal exam is possible.

I do not like DRE's. I feel violated after every one but they are necessary because the prostate can kill your ass. It must be monitored.

When I have to go, which is infrequent when I do not eat right (happens toward the end of the month before I get paid again), the material passing through doesn't hurt. Pressure on the colon hurts. Clenching hurts. Your muscles contract when you go. You know this, this is the same for everybody.

But this contraction is what squeezes on my prostate and that is next to agony.

Aside from using a graphic of male anatomy and circling where it hurts for me, I don't know how else to describe it.

The pain is like burning, stinging, numbness, aching. It is constant and always. It just gets worse sometimes and goes back to 'normal' which is hurting less but still hurting.

I am going to have to use my medicare to go to the doctor and see if this prostate trouble is needing medicine again. It has before.

A hot bath helps. The m-thing helps. If it is too bad, Tylenol helps some. But one cannot avoid peeing, which hurts the worst.

This is a look into a private pain that all but controls my life. I share this because I want you to see that stress can hurt you. Stress caused damage to my prostate gland. Do not get stressed.

Extremely Personal

I have mentioned my anxiety disorder many times. I take a medicine for it, citalopram (better known as Celexa). Celexa helps me by blunting the constant panic/worry I feel. It changes me by making me less sharp mentally and making me sleepy all the time.

However, by far and away, the most irritating side effect is the delayed-orgasm effect it has.

No, I do not have a girlfriend. Jen effect, you know.

I have to release ever so often. It is because of my prostate. If it is not cleared, it can gather bacteria and become infected. This is no joke and it freaking hurts. Antibiotics are NOT fun either. I have taken three in the past for this.

Dr. H, the urologist told me to release ever so often. It hurts, like right after the release. It feels like someone kneaded my prostate gland. It hurts to pee afterward as well, like someone took a brillo pad and scraped out the inside of my urinary tract.

I learned in my last sexual experience that it hurts to go in and out, causing stress on my prostate. Celexa afftected that too. I never did finish.

So I can't finish now, when usually, it's not a problem. My most naughty movie does stimulate but something is not working. It is this damned medicine. I cannot not take it. I don't want to feel panicky all the time.

My prostate gland has hurt badly for several days now. I believe drinking Coca-Cola caused it as the urologists said, soda causes irrititation. I cannot go see them. I do not currently have health insurance. They won't see me without it.

What kind of doctor is that?

I don't know what to do about this, to be honest. It is the worst pain, you know, when it hurts to pee. How often do you pee? Imagine if it hurt every time you went like it does for me.

Naughty Me

I will admit that I have a porn addiction. This is not because I am a freak or a pervert. This started when Dr. H, my urologist told me to either have sex more or m-thing more. I was with Jen when this happened and she would not even consider helping me that way. Some girlfriend she was.

I can't exactly tell you what it feels like to have chronic prostatitis. It hurts. It hurts like lump of pain centered exactly behind my scrotal area. 

I have written about this before. I posted an anatomical picture of the prostate gland in an earlier post last year. 

I hate my prostate gland. I hate it with a passion. I wish I could cut it out but that would cause fatal bleeding. It hurts me to pee. It hurts like the uroscope thing did when they stuck it in me and it burns, like acid and needles. This is just when I pee. It isn't so bad when I wake up for the day. The more I go, the more it hurts. This is why I do not drink enough water/tea whatever as I should. 

Oh, the other, that hurts worse. Force compression on my prostate as the colon expands and contracts as stuff moves through it. There are times it hurts so bad, I can barely breathe. 

Now I know you may not like reading personal stuff like this but this is Factor Two in my suicide plan. I will likely hurt more as I get older and have BPH which is normal for a guy as he gets older. My prostate is damaged, likely by stress, bacterial infection, or it just wants to hurt me.

To relieve stress pain, I take a painfully hot bath. I am used to this, I kinda like it when my pale white skin turns red. 

Oh, porn addiction. I like mainly female-only porn. I have severe misandry. I hate other guys. My favorite 'actresses' are Lela Star and Jana Cova. It would be massively cool if they did a film together. 

It is likely because of my porn addiction why I cannot finish in sex, or else that was Malee's fault. I was physically turned off by her the last time we were together. 

If I am allowed a future girlfriend, I hope that is not the case. 

I do not hide my Penthouse subscription though I am kinda disappointed in some of the more recent issues. I may let it expire when it is over in april.

I have several dvd's only ordered from Vivid. Michael Ninn's Fem Luminoso is my favorite.

How does it feel when I finish? The same burn, but an intensity that causes a shudder to pass through me. If I have viable s-cells, I have no idea. I will have this tested when next I see the urologist, when my health insurance is restored. 

Oh, I am not that shy in discussing this basic part of my masculinity. I wish I had been a girl, if I could change, I would. 

'Commitment Day' by James Alan Gardner dealt with that very thing. I asked him by e~mail years ago where he got the idea. He said it was an equality thing. Pity we can't do it in real life. 

The Culture novels of Iain M Banks show people who can do this very thing at will through nigh magical technology. It is not a big deal. The idea even creeps into my stories, though mainly through the errors of genetic tampering. 

I am not feminine, no. I like the same things other guys do. But do not believe for a second that I would not trade it all in. 

If I was the same person as a girl, I would have been very naughty. Given that I am naturally cute now, it would have been more so had I been female. 

No, femaleness isn't all sweetness and light all the time, I know. It can't be worse than the shame/pain/worthlessness that I feel as a guy. I will likely have severe prostate trouble as I ger older, and that scares me.

Maybe in the next life. I pray so. I will be female.

Until then, I will be what I am, and be cute at it. 

Trouble

I have prostatitis. It is a regular and possibly lifelong condition.

What is it?

The prostate gland is usually the size of a walnut or a bit bigger. It is directly beneath the male bladder and surrounds the urethra. It has back channels through which it tramsits prostatic fluid, a clear viscous, salty, sticky fluid. Prostatic fluid lubricates and protects the spertamtozoa in the semen. It is vital to reproduction but not much else.

My prostate is often swollen, maybe caused by stress events when I worked at wm, because that's when this all started.

What does it feel like?

Imagine needles and acid in your urinary tract. I hurt every time I pee. I have trouble sometimes. I hurt in a cyclical cycle. some days, it's not so bad, but some days, it feels like needles and acid, like now.

I lost my BCBS insurance when I left wm. I should never have done that. To get it back, I have to pay at least $140 a month, hard to do when one has no job.

Stack on this my anxiety disorder. I worry that the more I hurt, the more the temptaion to just cut my penis and testicles and the whole thing off. Unfortunately, that would be fatal as some major blood vessels go through all that.

So what? I have said before, there is no value in my life. Nobody cares. Especially not my doctors.

What do I do now? Hurt? I can't sleep when it hurts bad.

What did the urology doctor last say to me? 'Mastrubate more'. Hello, but it makes me hurt even worse to orgasm. I can't have sex for this reason. It freaking hurts.

What can I do? I wish I could just wish I was never born.

Ha ha, I have been researching male-to-female transsexual change. It is too late for me to do that. I have very male bones and body hair. I am not inclined to be what I am not.

If it was safe and easy, which it isn't, I would do it, if only to get rid of my male pain.

No one understands how bad I feel. I can't go to the doctor. I might as well take all my Celexa and sleep forever.

Why I Left Walmart

I have waited a long time to talk about this. It is somewhat representative of the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder.

I worked at Walmart Supercenter 407. I started in Grocery, day stocking, which is something I did at Winn-Dixie so long ago. However, I have worked in Grocery for years, I worked at HEB 174 before they built the new one, for two years. I was terminated for getting into a fight with a lazy coworker. That was a learning lesson and I have not been in a conflict like that with anyone since. I went to Solectron then, which was my favorite job EVER. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. Solectron collapsed in 2007 and was taken over by a company in Singapore, and then shut down. Sad, that.

I worked in the Garden Center for two years. I learned A LOT about cultivation, lawn care, lawn mowers, flower care, etc.... I like helping people and I like gardening. I do not have one of my own because of the soil of the rural wasteland. I have lived here for 12 years now.

I was unemployed for three years from '03 to '06, which was somewhat of a defining time in my adult life. I developed anxiety disorder then, and the recurrent painful prostatitis that makes peeing painful to this day. As a side effect, I cannot enjoy sex, nothing is wrong with my 'equipment' it is further upstream and deep inside.

You cannot imagine the sheer embarrassing, invasive, and painful tests I have been through to determine the cause of my prostatitis. These tests erased any inhibition I have, though I am hardly ashamed of my penis, a fine example of them.

I mention this because it directly ties into the event that led to me leaving walmart.

A word of advice from Arthelius the Ghost: NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A CO-WORKER!

I did, with Malee, who would not win any prize for beauty, which is not nice to say but beauty in my opinion is a full sum of the parts of the female. This includes breasts and the appearance of her 'kitty'.

Malee had a repellent thing about her, which I asked a wise female friend about. This was somehow overheard by the German bitch Doris. I think of her as Ilsa, of the SS, she is cruel and arrogant. She called me names, said that I was a bad person, said that I did not deserve to live. Would always give me a dirty look, especially when I had the unfortunate task of door greeter, which in the Garden Center is the reponsibility of the GC associates sometimes.

Over the period of two months, 'Doris' got other people to hate me. Just because I asked for advice. I admit, maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I coulda used the web.

But the worst thing is, that she told Malee.

Now I will admit, I do not love Malee. I can't. She is more than 10 years younger than me and I do not think a person in their low 20's is even adjusted enough to deal with the consequences of such a personal investment as sex. Look how many lives and relationships it has destroyed.

Over the years, I have become content with my own self-stimulation. This is a good thing since it is a doctor-ordered therapy for my painful prostate. I will mention that it makes the pain worse afterward and it does not feel good like it should. Because of this, I became addicted to porn. I am mainly stimulated by lesbian porn. My favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova, who exemplifies my idea of female beauty.

Anyhow, this tetra-disaster of being with Malee, which I SHOULD NOT have done, I felt ashamed for doing. I mean, I have had sex with two different females in my life, both Asian. Why can't I attract a White girl?

I have given up the idea of sex now. If and when I get another girlfriend, which is not a priority frankly, as they are willful and cruel creatures, I will not ask her for sex but if she wants it, I won't say no.

I became increasingly suicidal in feeling in my final two months of walmart. I was afraid that I would actually do it. I mean, some days.... gosh, I came very close.

I went to my doctor in April of '10, who authorized a medical leave for walmart and altered my medicine dosage. Over three months, the feeling subsided. I have spent the last months writing stories, listening to music, watching tv, playing Spore and doing chores.

I spend time with our cats. I like cats. They may not care about you but they are friends who won't turn on you. I don't like dogs for the opposite reasons. I actually HATE dogs. This makes me a 'bad person' in some peoples' opinions.

Perhaps I am too sensitive. I have always been too sensitive. Anxiety Disorder maginifies sensitivity so much, I can't deal with many people at once, hardly can deal driviing in heavy traffic, and especially can't deal with hateful, hurtful and insensitive people.

I made the decision to leave walmart in May. I asked many people for advice. They said if it causes such feelings and makes my mental illness worse, then leave. It was not a decision I made lightly.

So I left.

The time since has been very hard. I will admit, I am at home, I never left. My father has been disabled for 14 years. Who else will help him but me and my mom?

Doctors say, once you have a stroke, another is more likely. Could happen at any time. To see your father broken down like that has to be harder than losing him. It has been hard.

It has been hard because there is no money. I am using my sister's wireless thingy to go on the web. She does not help us. Going hungry is common. My family is on a fixed income, a sadly insufficient income. I cannot go get another job. Our car was repossessed in July. How will I get there?

I do have a car. It is disabled by a tension problem in a critical belt. Three repairs of it have failed. I will fix it myself hopefully if I get a tax return.

But my car is 13 years old. It doesn't look too good with oxidization of its paint. It likely cannot be repaired and I will have to sell it. I love that car. It has always brought me home. Besides, its a Mazda, who makes nice cars.

I am trapped here. This is likely making my Anxiety Disorder worse, drawing me in on myself more. I feel uncomfortable even going to the Post Office. At what point does it become a disability?

I will ask my doctor that.

I believe my life will end in suicide. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or next year but some time, it will get worse like that.

No one seems to understand or wants to help. I have given up asking for help.

I can return to Walmart. I am a trained associate, indoctrinated into the 'culture'. But I will never set foot in 407, EVER AGAIN. I have not since April 23, 2010, and I will never again.

Something Ew...

I am unable to understand anal sex. I am revolted by the thought of putting my most sensitive organ in a girl's backside. This is reinforced by the DRE's I have been receiving.

Now I know it is necessary as a diagnostic tool because the angry prostate is literally next door to the rectum. Then I get two today. I don't mind Dr. L. He does not hurt me. But Dr. H. OMG. I get not only a more forceful DRE, I get a prostate massage, which some urologists have written is not as good thing as once thought.

I have had a sexual reaction before, when in therapy for the Kegel exercise. The Kegel exercise works the muscle that ejects the seminal fluid from the body. The therapist told me so. And gosh, I did have the same fluid drip like today when Dr. H poked my prostate three times in a none too gentle way.

I did not ask for that. I can come on my own, thank you.

I feel terrible. I still hurt and now I have to leave work early to have an MRI. I get off at 8 pm every day.

I will not even try to do the m-thing for a few days. I feel distinctly unsexual, a rare thing in my life.

The water heater thermostat failure that occurred on tuesday makes that for certain. Ever take a cold shower? It isn't fun.

My feelings oscillate. Yes, I am still looking at Aug. 19th as the last day of my life. I don't know if I can make it even until then.

I sure don't feel like Arthelius now, who had crossed the great divide some time ago.

He would say, 'Isn't fun being spectral, even if I did it with Spectral Madonna.'

How typical, as in life. Too bad I'm not that way. I'd be more of a man than I am.

I do need mental help. I may use BCBS's own resources to find one. 'Have to', says Dr. H. 'Obama will render us unable to help people'.

I don't believe that. It cannot be the way of government to so infringe on basics of life. It violates the Constitution. If we were so split on stupid ideals, perhaps none of this would have happened.

Ideals, look at the idiots who voted against Judge Sotomayor. Why did they vote 'nay'? No party or ideal speaks for me, why for them?

Oh, Me

I kinda forgot this place. It was a thing Arthelius learned the hard way. If there isn't something nice to say, then don't say it. That is why I refrain from updaing my blogs sometime. I mean, it isn't like people are clamoring for a new post. I doubt if anyone ever reads this blog.

My angry prostate is raging. I hurt. To distract myself, I am writing more. I also talk to friends through the IM. I have been severely upset by the closing of geocities and the impending deletion of my website. I have asked for it to be archived. No word on that yet.

I had set a date for my suicide, August 19th, 2009, the last day of a week vacation from that cesspit of greed, recently reconfigured for more greed and less satisfation among the chattel, oh, I mean, customers. I am uncertain now. I am not really of a depressed mind. I just feel bad physically. I have recurrent constipation related to dehydration. The hot weather is hurting all of us.

Constipation is a double edged knife in me. It hurts and adds pressure on my angry prostate, which is inconviently next-door to the descending colon (large intestine). Why are we so upset about our bodies? The prostate gland is a gland immediately below the urinary bladder in males. It surrounds the upper part of the urethra, and when swollen, can cut off urine flow. Because of its location and vents into the urethra, urine can backflow into it, usually when he holds off peeing too long, and bacteria therein cause an infection.

It may have been how my recurrent prostatitis got started. I no longer can hold off peeing, when I got to go, I got to then. Dehydration may be harming me. I dont drink enough water because peeing for me feels like a wire brush scraping the inside of my urinary tract.

What is the prostate's function? Simply put, it is the primary source of the major ingredient in seminal fluid. Forget the little guys swimming in it, there is more to it than them. The liquid suspention of the seminal fluid is made by the prostate. Without it, there is no semen.

I never thought about it until mine started this now 2-year-old problem. I have severely limited mastrubation because the after effect of actually using the prostate in the climax, makes it hurt more.

I can no longer tell what normal feels like. A dull ache is in my lower parts (inside, not outside). Whatever the trouble is, it has so far spared my peeny. That is a good thing because it is never a good thing when peeny hurts.

I feel better when I talk about it. I would like just one day of relaxing. I will on my vacation, and go to a lake I love. Feeling better isn't a matter of a vacation, it is being away from sources of trouble to my anxiety disorder afflicted mind.

Arthelius also would like to add, "Say, don't you remember when it was just a nice thing?"

Yes, once. Long ago.

Unable to .... No M-thing :(

Unlike Arthelius the Ghost, my net counterpart, I have a penis connected by a troubled urethra to a much troubled prostate gland and a bladder that wishes it was in someone else.

I don't usually talk about my peeny. It isn't something that I like to talk about. It isn't that I don't like it. I love mine. It has never failed me and has amused me for most of my life. Certain things are interesting. Its shape, its circumcision scar, and its general pinkness.

The only woman with whom I had sex considered it a beautiful thing and was muchly satisfied with it. I valued her opinion and feel confident that I could satisfy all but the loosest women.

However.... my peeny is troubled.

It is NOT sick in any way. It is a bystander to the real action, an angry prostate. My prostate throbs, my urethra, which passes through it like a train tunnel in a mountain, burns with ????

It hurts when I pee. It hurts when I sit down. It hurts when I bend over. It hurts when I stretch, twist, or carry something heavy. It hurts right now just writing this.

I have held off doing the m-thing because it alwys hurts really bad afterwards, especially in the morning after. And when the pain is the worst, it tends to leak urine, which you know, might be embarrassing, but crap! I love my underwear. I wear color coordinated underwear that I look good in. (Black when I go to work, white on my day off or gray, depends on the shirt I'm wearing).

While it may never happen, if someone robs me and Jen or our store and makes us strip to our underwear, I will not be the worst looking guy.

I don't actually like peeing. It has been annoyance since I tend to pee a lot when properly hydrated, which I have been intentionally avoiding to my detriment. Dr. L really hates that.

My prostate is angry because? No one really knows. It may just be pissed off that I'm not getting any.

I do the m-thing to purge hormones that distort my thinking into thinking about sex, but also because I believe it is healthy.

Now when I try, my peeny functions as designed but prostate says, 'I don't think so.... chump'.

It intensifies in pain and sends burning pain down my urtethra, making it feel like I am wetting myself when I am not.

My peeny does not stay in its rigid state long if I am hurting. It senses, I guess, that the plumbing isn't working right. It is dry anyway. I have severe dry skin and the 11% humidity today was not exactly helping.

I'm sorry, peeny, I never intended to develop an angry and painful prostate.

I am growing frustrated with this whole thing. I will order a new Vivid movie now and try again.

If Jen would open up just once and showed me her exquisite beauty unclothed, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, you know?

Somewhere, in the depths of the Force, Arthelius is laughing at me, the douchebag.

Horrible

I may seem like I complain a lot. I don't. I am a patient and understanding guy.

However, I HATE wrking in Grocery anymore. The work is thankless, crowded by customers, with people who are a clique unto themselves.

No thank you, I am not part of your team anymore. It says Sales Associate on my badge. The schedule calls me a Dept. 16 Sales Clerk. I am that. Department 6 is the GC, which has its own flaws but they are trivial compared to Grocery.

I am 'helping' a lost cause. I mean, what do we do all day but put stuff out that didn't go out the days before? In other stores, this is done on specific days by the regular stock crew. However, the store I work in is so freaking big and busy, it needs constant replenishment.

Sometimes, the replenishment can't keep up with demand. This leads to disappointing a customer, which wm claims it never does. That is BS and we all know it.

I did not ask to be put back in Grocery. I am mad at myself for accepting it.

I keep my head down and work at what I do well, stocking. I go see Jen when it gets tough because a girlfriend's love is a powerful pick-me-up.

I am sad because I am in a task that I did not want or ask for.

Only monday to go. It is my friday and usually is the worst day because of kiritchiny managers. KMA.

This upset tickles my anxiety. My anxiety causes uncomfortble tension. Tension that squeezes on my already injured prostate.

And people wonder why I'm uncomfortable.

I envy Arthelius. He does what he likes and no one makes him do anything,

Allergies and troubles

The human form of Arthelius the Ghost, me, has allergies like we all do.

My allergies are few. I am allergic to cedar or any conifer tree. Okay, lots of people are. I am also allergic to powder laundry soap, especially Tide, whose liquid form I do not use. (I use All, the successor to my fav, Surf)

I can get a rash from laying on grass. I guess me and Jen won't ever f on grass, not without a blanket under us.

I thought I was not allergic to any med until I started to take Flomax. this is a medicine that reduces muscle tension in the pelvic region and relieves stress on the prostate. This is most commonly prescribed for BPH, the natural enlargement of the prostate gland.

I am way too young for BPH. My problem is my achy prostate and its infection proneness.
I have had retrograde ejaculaton, where it goes into the bladder, which is weird and worrisome.

I have developed intense itching in my genital area. I have rashes on my left arm and one on my left flank.

Peeing is a bit easier with it but nothing is a remedy worth the achy feeling and malaise Flomax brings.

Dr. E's nurse told me to stop taking it and I will gladly comply. Dr. L may not like it but he can kma. There are other ways to deal with this, surely.

Ah, nevermind all that. This is my weekly respite. wo day away from that horrid monument to greed in.

More info later as this progresses. If you don't like it, then why are you reading it?

Thanks to all who care and love to all friends.

Super Love to my dear one. Love ya, Jen.

Painful Week

Naw, I don't care about Cinco de Mayo. I am a Texan and that has no meaning to me. (March 2nd anyone?) I hate/cannot eat Mexican food. My irascible stomach, abused by antibiotics and SSRI's can't take it. Never mind that they don't understand that. I hate peppers, and I always have. I hate the smell of them. But that was yesterday.

My time in the garden center has been one of confusion and pain, as I have gotten a severe sunburn on many parts of my head and neck. My cute face was spared by a frugal use of Cetaphil face lotion. I will use more in the future.

I just can't stand working there anymore.

The most ay ya moment came around 245 pm today when the urology doctor did another DRE on me. Gosh, I just don't understand how something so painful can be pleasurable to porn stars who do anal.

I must have a sonogram made of the troublesome left testicle also. That has yet to come but it may provoke an embarrassing reaction. I am not looking forward to that.

Even now my anal area hurts. TMI, I know but you can't understand until a doctor does that to you.

I do value this care, even if it is painful and I have to pay $$$ for it. It is sad that the urologist knows more about me than what passes for my normal doctor.

Ha ha, I have run out of the Celexa-clone. The neurological effects of not taking it should appear within a day the longer I do without it. It seems that my local wm pharmacy has run out of it. Great.

I shoulda went to Walgreen's.

Why all this bother about a genital system that doesn't get used for its intended purpose? Every day, I question my relationship with Jen. Religion is NO reason to keep one's virginity at 27. So what if she reads this?

I KNOW she has a sexual attraction to me. She just hides it unless I provoke her, which has been a few times. You just don't know, Jen, how that hurts me.

Pain Subsiding (I hope)

I have noticed a sharp decline in pain within either testicle, though that comes and goes. Also, the prostate itself seems to be behaving. I am not quite sure what appears to be blood in my pee is blood. The main stream is the bright yellow thanks to the Pyrida or whatever it's called I am taking for urinary pain. Within the stream is a diffuse red that disperses in the toilet wanter. If it was the med's effect, would it not have already mixed in the pee while it was still inside?

I only have enough Pyrida for two more doses. My pee should return to normal tomorrow night. Pain suppressed by the med may return. If the red persists in my pee, than it is blood and I will go to the ER.

It became certain today. I am becoming a Garden Center Associate. It promises to be hard work. I don't mind that. I am at last becoming free of that what grinds on my anxiety there.

I will not like working in that store no matter what job I have. I just do not like the town it is in or the facility itself, a monolithic structure dedicated to wm's greed.

Do I feel better emotionally? Hard to say. I'm so freaking sleepy because I hade no caffeine today. I won't make that mistake tomorrow. I don't care if my prostate won't like it. I reckon it will hurt no matter what I do.

For all you guys that don't know what a prostate is, buy a brain and use it to learn about your own bodies. 1 in 3 males will have prostate problems. I unfortunately am one of those who do.

Gosh, it knows I am talking about it. A pulse of pain just ran through it, an evil sensation across the inside of my groin, through the perineum, and the rectum.

TMI? Bwahaha! If you weren't so prudish, it wouldn't bother you.

Gotta go, a t-storm is raging outside. I hate them as much as I hate cantaloupes and I hate those wretched things.