Pain

 Last Wednesday, my foot started to hurt really bad. Its my right foot and I'm loathe to show it all swollen and red.

So, I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with gout arthritis. It is intensely painful and any pressure on my foot is extremely painful. 

I cannot get meds until another day to go. I can barely walk. I have learned what to avoid and it is doable but damned if I'm going to give up tea. 

I drink mostly water now. It's not like it appeals to me but it's how it is.

They say it'll go away in a few days but it's been almost a week and it's as intense as ever. I don't know what to do but get an arthritis cream that will ease this awful pain. 

I have trouble sleeping and my foot cannot even tolerate the blanket on it. It's the worst thing to happen to me as I age. That is why I fear aging. That dark day two weeks from now, when I turn another year older.

I will post a picture of my foot later. It's still swollen. I wonder if this is penance for something. I didn't do anything to deserve it.☹️

A Fear

I am convinced that Covid-19 is just the beginning. It seems tailored to sicken and kill the weak and males. The virus in indiscriminate in whom it kills.

Vaccination is essential in protecting oneself and others from the virus particles you spread just by breathing. 

You will be judged when the time comes if you knowingly spread the illness by refusing vaccination or restrictions like distancing and mask wearing. It is not a matter of freedom.

Those people deserve what happens to them. They chose it for themselves. 

I was vaccinated in the spring time. I suffered no illness and the sore arm went away quickly enough. In fact, the second shot was not even felt. 

I don't want anyone to get bad sick or die. That is not my choice. I or you cannot tell others what to do. 

So, get vaccinated, wear a mask. Distance 6 feet, 2 meters if possible. 

I consider it a civic duty. Too many people seem to have forgotten civics class. 

Holiday?

It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.

I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this. 

Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me. 

I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe. 

I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.

I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do? 

I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking. 

I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years. 

Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now. 

I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick. 

I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.

I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.

I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.

I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.

My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.

I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.

When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?

What is the point now?