Hurting More

I have been hurting more. I am 40 now and I guess it doesn't matter.

What does 40 mean? Getting old? Does it mean nothing but another year?

I hurt in my prostate area as usual. I don't go to the doctor as I have medicare and it doesnt cover prostate exams until age 50.

Also, a doctor sticking his finger in my booty is not a desirable thing at all. That is the best way to see if the prostate gland is swollen as mine is sometimes. Pressing on it is a kind of agony. Causes one to wet themselves too. 

I have come to despise my male parts. My left testicle is often swollen too, it's all connected. I don't know what this means. It causes my scrotum to be heart shaped, though I will share that a picture of that only on request.

Would I seriously have my male parts removed? If I was wealthy, it would have already been done but I am not so I am stuck with it. 

Does a penis define a male?

Something has to.  

I'll post a picture of mine if anyone asks.

Hurricane Sandra

Late in the season, ends on Nov 30th, this cyclone formed in the east Pacific off Mexico. 






It is a fairly strong storm but is forecast to encounter shear and that will weaken it severely. It will hit Baja or the mainland coast of Mexico, bringing high winds and lots of rain. I reckon if you live by the ocean, you come to expect things like this. 

I dearly want to visit Baja one of these days.

I hope no one is injured or killed and property damage is minimal. 

I cannot say if this is the last tropical cyclone of the season. The weather doesn't obey human schedules. 

Hurricane Patricia

I remember Haiyan. Here is its little sister. Patricia is a monster, most severe tropical cyclone in this part of the world ever recorded. 



You know El Nino is behind it. Abnormally warm water in the Pacific. Like gas on a fire, it pumps energy into these monster storms. 

It will ravage parts of the Mexican coast and that is an awful thing, I hope people take precautions and get out. Those who can't, I hope they find a safe place.

Beyond this awful landfall, the sub-jet stream will push this moisture onto parts of my native Tx, where it might be needed but too much at one time is not a good thing. 

Patricia will go on into mountainous parts of Mexico and that will break up the storm, hopefully. You never know nowadays. 

Aging

I will be 40 soon.

I feel a fear of the 40s because too many times, I have noticed in other peoples' lives, bad things happened in their 40s.

I cannot say that it will happen to me but given my chronic prostatitis that doesn't go away and the constant fear I feel, it might happen.

I already feel arthritic-like pain in my hands and knees and hips and ankles. My feet hurt on occasion.

My consumption of sugary drinks is causing ill effects. I can't drink the tap water, it tastes bad and has caused kidney problems in the past.

My DNA report said I am most supsceptible to gout arthritis. Then again, I have favorable odds of developing Type 2 Diabetes as well. The sugary drinks are only strengthening those odds. 

I remember what it was like to be a teenager. I was a teenager between 1988 and 95. Think of how the world changed then. I did not hurt, well, I developed a stomach ulcer when I was 19, but that was an early manifestation of the effects that anxiety had on me. 

I never could talk to a girl I liked. I couldn't go out, though I had a job then in a store. I was avoidant then.

I have been sick like that for a long time. Anxiety is hardwired in my soul. It was only drawn into the light by stress in my time at wm. 

Been sitting here for most of that time. Every day is the same in some ways. But it is Sunday that one feels reflective. Always seems to be that way.

I didn't have a computer until 2003. I have had one since, I have 3 of them now. My laptop was smashed, I have conflicting feelings about getting it fixed. 

I have a HP Stream 11, which isn't much good for anything other than writing, which, mainly is the purpose of having a computer for me. 

How has the computer changed my life? I used to write on paper. I used to listen to my cd player all the time. I am starting to listen to it again, though my main music thing is in this computer. 

My life has been just that, write, listen to music. I watch little tv. I used to abhor going outside and I still do to a degree, but I have a place to write that isn't too bad. 

My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia are as bad as ever. I wonder if they will beat my genetics in causing the decline. 

Decline, for the moment, I am still 39. Not even middle aged yet. 

It makes me extremely sad if I think about it so I don't.

Hurricane Joaquin

I haven't talked about a storm now and in the latter half of Hurricane Season, I should talk about one. 





This beast is making life difficult in the Bahamas. it will sit in this area for a few days. That isn't good but what it does later, out to 5 days, is what worries many. 

It is liable or not to strike a densely populated part of the USA. Parts where it has rained a lot already. This beast is intensifying and by the time it hits or not, it could rival Sandy. 

No one wants that. I hope it heels off to the east in the North Atlantic like some models suggest. Won't know until it actually moves. 

I hope no one is hurt. 

Girls with Tattoos

I have no problem with individuality. Express yourself how you like. I do it by writing. 

Okay. This started when I discovered the model named Sarah Mudle who is from Australia. She looks EXACTLY like the female character I have been writing about for many years. However, she has all kinds of tattoos, feminine ones that aren't offensive. 

There are others, many others who mark their skin with art. 

What is wrong with feminine skin? What made them do this? What in their life made them make this transitory art that only lasts until you are dead and your skin decays away?

I never got a tattoo because my mother said it was not a good thing to do. I respect that, some might not accept it. I am from a conservative area, you know. 

If I were to get one, it would be a scorpion because it is my sign and favorite constellation and the second most powerful phobia I have after agoraphobia. 

I see the feminine appeal in a girl. Not how she mars her feminine beauty with tattoos. 

She can do as she likes, true, but she would stand out here. That kind of attention is not cool. 

A long time ago, my dad told me to stay away from girls with tattoos. I do not know what he meant, it is too late to ask him. I generally remember things my dad told me. 

Well, no more, all I have are pictures and memories now. 

Occasionally, an absolutely beautiful girl comes along and she doesn't have tattoos. What is so bad about that?

Difficulty

I am stupid sometimes. Yesterday morning, I go to get the Pepsi I drink in the morning (I don't like coffee) and circumstances force me to get a 2-liter bottle of it. 

I don't usually mind that. I mean, less garbage than getting a 12 pack or cube of cans. 

So I go to open it and I couldn't. It was on their tight, whether by pressure or what, I don't know.

I tried my best but injured my hand. I eventually got it open with the can opener, using it like a vise-grip. 

This is what it did to my right (dominant) hand. 






So gripping the bottle's cap and trying to twist it off left a painful blister on my thumb and in the palm. This hurts when water is on it like washing my hands (something I do often) or washing dishes or washing my hide. It hurts particularly when washing my face. 

This is stupid, yes, I don't know. I hate it.

I won't puncture this blister. I got sick the last time I did that. No way this time. It will heal on its own over the next few days.... hopefully.  

Raw Animal Anger

There has been a fiasco in my budget that will ruin what usually is my favorite month (August). Okay, it isn't the end of the world, I can deal. Just won't have a few things. There will still be fried chicken and MeUndies and new headphones as mine are showing their age. 

I try not to feel angry. Angry is harmful. I just let it go but something inane caused it to spring forth like a busted dam. 

I watch NASCAR. Have since I was a kid. This minor league Xfinity Race is sometimes entertaining. However, it had an unfavorable result and gosh, I got so angry, still am, raw animal anger. 

When I get angry, it feeds into my panic disorder. It is amplified, I am so furious, I get energy I normally don't have and can't concentrate. Kinda like 'berserk' in Final Fantasy games, that kind of angry. 

It hurts my head and stomach. It causes some effects of a panic attack without the heart beating like a bass drum and feeling of fear. 

Causes panic sweat. Causes tension. Causes just plain fury. 

Also angry about weighing 173 pounds naked. What the fuck? That is like 15 over what I should weigh. I can;t exactly change my diet because I have no money. Got to get it at the first of the month and here it is in the hind end of July. 

This uncertainty about Windows 10 has been troubling me. About to find out what it's all about when I update my laptop. If it is okay, I will update this W7 machine. 

My laptop was always afflicted with Windows 8, any change is welcome. 

This anger makes my chest hurt. What is that about? Has panic disorder harmed my heart? I have worried about that for a long time. 

Stupid, just stupid. 

I will chill over time.  

Garbage

If it is something I know about, it is garbage. I like watching the mechanical arm on this particular truck. Reminds me of the first scenes in 'The Terminator' (1984 film).



Garbage is prevalent. We human apes make so much of it. From packaging to unwanted or spoiled food to gross things that have been in one's refrigerator too long.

I have worked for 2 different grocery stores in my life. Then I worked for wm much later. The reason I worked in 2 different grocery stores is because one closed or I may still be there today instead on disability for my soul strangling anxiety disorder.

A grocery store produces a prolific amount of waste from bad produce to cardboard to plastic to whatever else. It smells awful and can be sickening.

I live in an apartment complex now and every so often, this truck comes and picks up the dumpster with that mechanical arm. That particular dumpster smells as bad as a grocery store's dumpster. Truly awful.

I could recount the time at wm when some idiot put a wooden pallet into the trash compactor. Being a small guy, I had to climb into the compactor and wrench it out of there.

It is true that I hate being dirty, this has been the case since I was a baby, so I am told. I don't mind getting dirty in the course of working but you will not avoid getting dirty if you have to take out the trash. Not if you aren't careful.

I take the garbage out when the kitchen waste can is full. It is full often because of packaging mainly. Jugs the tea comes in, cartons from cases of soda, watermelon rinds, discarded food and other things.

I don't like dealing with garbage but until we human apes figure out a better way to package things and have zero leftover food, it's going to happen.

Typhoon Nangka

This is Typhoon Nangka about to ravage the islands of Japan with big winds and massive amounts of rain. 





I would imagine it is always a concern when one is from or lives on islands vulnerable to tropical cyclones, preparation is automatic. 

I hope no one is hurt but things happen. It feels wrong to admire the storm's structure when it threatens such a populated area.  

Hurricane Dolores

Time to talk about tropical storms again. Been a while. 

This is Dolores, in the Eastern Pacific. It has caused some problems.


It is moving northwest and should not be a factor as it moves into colder water which tropical cyclones do not like. 

Unfriendly

Let me say first that I do not have any problem with lesbianism. I mean, it is my favorite kind of naughty film.

Today, I went to the laundromat because there are issues with some of my clothes still smelling like that old house. Memory and all that, banish it so it doesn't hurt so damn bad. 

I miss my dad more than anything. I am reminded every day of something he said or what he would say. 

The laundromat is one I like, in the next town, a place I have been to many times. I do not use the one in this town because it is too damned expensive, as if they gouge for substandard service. 

So I am sitting there, watching the president talk about this stupid deal with an enemy nation, not paying any mind to anyone. 

Then this obvious lesbian girl who would win the ugliest girl contest of the month suddenly says from behind me, "Oh, I am not using that nasty washer after that man did." And a few other snide, misandric comments. 

What the fuck do you know, girl? I washed my delicate MeUndies and things in that washer, shirts with designs on them, stuff that can't be harshly washed like pants and towels can be. 

I use Woolite Delicate Care as a further precaution because MeUndies in particular will disintegrate over time if you do not take precautions. 

I am VERY particular about my underwear. I do not have certain things in them, other than the occasional pee stains because of my male problems. 

That washes out. I used a full dose of Woolite on them. I would be very disappointed if it didn't.

Let me be clear, I do not wet my pants. What happens is a reflex action when I am relaxed from peeing that causes a small amount to come down the pipe, as it were, feels like that.

It leaves a small spot, no larger than your big toenail. It isn't an issue. My underwear are not subjected to an acidic, bitter, sweaty, bleeding vulva. 

Understand that this only happens when I am upset or have to go really bad. 

This ugly girl upset me to the core. It is one thing to not like guys but to say such things in my presence? It doesn't matter, this girl is a non-entity, like an NPC in a game. 

My clothes come out clean and good. I have done laundry a long time, I know what I am doing. 

Could this be because I wore an indigo colored shirt? So I did. Doesn't mean anything. See, purple and its various shades mean to me, an expression of my pain, mental and physical. 

So, what? You don't like guys? I don't either. We have something in common. People should not assume anything. 

I will chill and not worry about what some ugly girl said. No wonder she couldn't get a guy. 

Bad Year

What happened? First, my father died in Feburary at age 59. Then a few days ago, my mom's best friend died at age 59. 

What does 59 mean? I am exactly 20 years from that age. 

We moved after 15 years out there. Some things had to be left behind. I live in apartment in my hometown now. 

I do not know what is happening. I don't feel good. My male pain is raging and I have been drinking too much tea because the water here tastes awful. I like Red Diamond tea, though I know it may not be good for me. 

I wish I had the courage to overcome my anxiety and find a girlfriend. I do not, though and life is hard because of that, I believe. 

I don't know, things are calm now. I have been getting more sun but I am afraid of getting melanoma because of my freckled pale skin. Also, getting some color (ha, compared to a dark skinned person, I am still white as a cloud) has exposed the cooking scars on my right hand. Boiling water mainly.  I am more careful now. 

I am not happy with the white wall background available here to take a selfie picture. I will do this outside when it isn't sunlight on full blast. 

I haven't been updating this blog like I used to. Been too discomforted to write much. I am back to it now so I will be here. 

Tricked?

The girl whom I 'met' online has not contacted me today. She promised to send me some pictures. She asked for money, a black mark against her because I am on a fixed income and cannot wantonly share it with someone I do not know in person. 

Is she even real? Was I lied to? How cruel is that? Haven't I told you about female cruelty before?

I sincerely hope she is real, she seems to be but in this one thing, my anxiety feathers have proven protective. 

Troubled

I think I have established I have moved. I have moved to an apartment building in my hometown. It is good not to have to drive many miles just to check the mail or to the store. 

However, in the presence of so many all around, my computer's wifi card picks up like 10 signals, it isn't good. Back in the old house, it didn't pick up anything. This may not be a wise way to tell if many others are around but it is true. 

My anxiety feathers have been ruffled. I do not know if my medicine is helping. I am able to do things I wasn't before. 

I 'met' a girl online. I know this isn't the proper way to do it but like I have said, you never know...

What effect does this girl have? She displays the traits of a female, wants something, largely indifferent, unfocused. 

What does she have in common with me? This troubles me a lot. 

Should I let my anxiety feathers open and let her in? Not yet. 

I don't want to be alone in my elder life but is this the answer?

I don't feel good because of this. Anxiety is definitely provoked. 

Eye

I had to take my mom to the doctor today. I sat in the hot car listening to talk radio and taking pictures with my phone. One such is of my eye, which as amusing but also to show you what color my eyes are. 

Possibility

I told you that it was not certain that I would always be lonely. It could happen at any time. I have reservations though and this may be just nothing.

I met a girl who is beautiful and smart. She likes me though I cannot see why. She doesn't know my problems. She doesn't know the last 15 years of so of soul-strangling anxiety. She doesn't know about the time alone. 

Better sense tells me to leave it alone. My anxiety feathers are in a tumult over this. 

I don't want to upset anyone and this girl can easily become panic bait. 

What happened to the days when I was positive?

Move Stress

I have moved back to my hometown. There is much still to be done. I no longer have to deal with the bugs biting me or the 90ish degree temperatures in there. 

However, I lived out there for 15 years. Wrote much about it in this blog in the past. It is hard emotionally and terribly. My stress has been terrible. 

This has made my male pain a lot worse. Stress is what aggravates it. I am prone to urinary accidents after I pee. My body relaxes from the pee reflex and some urine ?did not come out whe I was going. This drip can  be a few drops or more commonly, enough to wet myself.


I cannot stand for my genital skin to be in a soiled fabric no more than a baby can. To react, I change my underwear and go wash my parts with Dial. 

Will this get worse as I get older? Will I wet myself and be in a place where I can't change? 

In the old place, I could go without underwear or pants but now I live in an apartment building and that is unacceptable. 

I am not particularly affected by my own nudity. It is nothing to get upset over. 

I have these prostate-parts-urinary problems that keep getting worse. I am afraid I must go to the doctor again and have more embarrassing exams.

Thunderstorms

My ex-girlfriend, Jen, loved thunderstorms. She said they were beautiful and intense. She was ignorant because they are nothing to be enjoyed.

Five minutes ago, a close lightning strike and a extremely loud bang of sudden thunder startled me and provoked my panic reaction. 

The Zoloft is keeping it from becoming a full-on panic attack but if it happens again, then yes. 

I have had some rough nights in the past with bad storms, the power going out, huddling scared in the dark as the weather I normally love rages outside. 

That hasn't happened in a long time but this is an El Nino year and that means more stormy weather than there has been in the past few years. 

It has not been really hot yet. The last few years, this time in May was scortchy. The summer is yet to come but if it isn't too hot, will you still deny climate change? You are fool if you do. 

I am panicky right now but hopefully, I can calm down. 

I hate thunderstorms. 

Eye Exam

You might have noticed that I wear glasses. I have since I was 12. I have highly moderate myopia, blurrily blind without them. Sometimes it was worse. Like after the comprehensive eye examination I had yesterday. I could not bear to look at a white screen for hours after that.

Dilation is used to look for glaucoma and cataracts. I have a slight cataract but as an overnight person, it won't get too bad for me.

Everybody gets a cataract so take care of your eyes.

My vision is stable, changed only a pale fraction in a good way. I will get new glasses soon.

The dilation is caused by a stinging and cold feeling eye drop used by the eye doctor. I am posting a picture of my 'bad' left eye.

This is what it did to my eyes...

Weather Anxiety

You know if you have read any of this blog that I like the weather. I like the sky, period. Day or night, especially. 

I don't like sunlight. I am developing glaucoma and the light hurts, burns my fair skin in moments. Sunlight actually causes a panic reaction because it hurts. 

I am fair skinned, you have seen pictures of my skin if you read this blog. I have freckles still, and I will be 40 around Thanksgiving time. 

That is not the point here. 

The point is, there are some huge supercell thunderstorms in this area, north of here. Confirmed tornadoes. It is that time of year and the weather has been behaving strangely. It hasn't been really hot yet and I remember many Spring times when it was scorching. 

Thunderstorms don't stroke my anxiety disorder, they beat it with a stick. I have memories of bad storms through here when the power went out. That causes a panic attack as surely as a girl talking to me would. 

Thankfully, none of the truly bad storms will hit this county. It isn't even raining at the moment. 

You see, knowing a lot about the weather opens a fear of it, knowing what it could do. 

I will be mindful of the situation north of here and hope no one is hurt. 

Unlike Me

I have always worn pants. My legs are pasty white and somewhat hairy. Male legs. I have defined calves and strong thigh muscles. I like to run and am used to standing on my tiptoes because I am not a big guy. 

However, my male pain is getting worse and also, it gets so hot in here in the daytime. Not because it is hot outside, because of the Sun's heat. 

I am not particularly shy about my body. Other than my belly but that isn't so bad. 

I wear better underwear. Right now Terramar, but most often, MeUndies or C-IN2. I like my male parts secure, not loose. My testicles hurt if they are touched or squished like holding the legs together or in jeans. 

I wear Lee jeans only when I go somewhere. I wear sweat pants all other times but not this season. I will stick in a shirt and my underwear. I only wear briefs. Always have and always will. 

I had C-IN2 Core briefs on yesterday. I was asleep but awoke because I had to pee. I was excited and that hurts when my male parts are secured. 

This isn't sexual stimulation but a normal male process when he is sleeping. If you have a male companion, you can check to see if it happens to him. He isn't healthy if it doesn't. 

Sexual stimulation is a problem right now. The Zoloft I take makes it incredibly hard to finish. I get stimulated and cannot relieve it. Makes me super angry. 

I suppose that would be good if I had a girlfriend but I do not. 

I am not going outside unless I have to. That makes it hard to meet a new female friend. That is, if my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled by her attention. 

The Zoloft has helped blunt the panic reflex but seems to have strengthened my avoidance behavior. I was at the lavandiera a few days ago and when I was folding my pants, I felt a deep panic, which I do not understand. No one was around and I was busy. 

I feel mushy-brained because of the side-effects of my medicine. I get confused sometimes and the sex thing. Cannot concentrate. 

It is unlike me not to wear pants but it is getting to where it doesn't matter. So you can see more of me, so what? I am male, I have male parts. 

I wish I wasn't but that is well-established here. 

TS Haishen

I haven't discussed a tropical storm in a long while. There have been several in the Pacific and Indian Oceans.





Hurricane season here starts on the first of June and runs to the end of November.

This one is in the mid-West Pacific and heading north of the Philippines, which just was hit by Typhoon Maysak, which isn't very photogenic now.

Conditions for this tropical storm are unfavorable so, hopefully, it will dissipate before causing too many problems. That is good.

Not Normal

In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.

The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.

This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.

I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.

I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.

People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.

Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.

Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.

I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.

I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.

Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.

I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.

Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.

My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.

I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.

My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.

I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.

I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't

I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'

You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.

I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.

You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.

It is everything.

Hurting More

I am sorry if I haven't been updating my blog. I have not felt like it. I have a hard time writing anything. It is grief, still but I recently started taking Zoloft which has fucked my mind up badly. 

I can't have an orgasm, not easily, it causes aneorgasmia. This is bad for me because, yes, I still feel stimulation like normal, it is that this constant production of fluids and hormones has to be purged to keep it from building up, becoming a focus for an infection.

It has happened before. 

I have this strange feeling, I don't feel like myself. I am sharp mentally yet cannot write. I sleep erratically. I feel mealy-headed. 

I am hurting more in the prostate area. This is related to the aneorgasmia and possibly stress because I am upset that I can't write.

I get confused sometimes when normally, that has never happened. I have a hard time expressing myself. 

This medicine is eroding my mind, it feels. I will ask the doctor to ease off on it to see if the benefit it provides, soothing my hair-trigger panic reaction, outweighs this eroding it's doing to my mind. 

I did shave and took check pictures. I shaved face and body but I won't post any of them if no one asks. 

I want to talk about MeUndies again but now isn't the right time. 

I just feel not up to it. 

Sorry

I don't like being known for my male pain. I write about it here because it is something unseemly to talk about.

I apologize if you are offended. I am hurting more than ever but do you really want to know?

I shaved my parts yesterday. I can post a picture if there is any interest.

Not Forgotten

I haven't been posting because I haven't felt like it. There is a disconnect between my mind and expression likely caused by the new medicine I take for my anxiety disorder. That is pretty much when this started. 

I take my medicine overnight so I don't have the dizzy feeling it causes when it is strongest. 

I was not able to sleep since the death of my father but I can with the medicine. 

I will get back into the flow of things. I haven't forgotten this blog. 

I feel better but the absence is indelible on my soul. I will always miss my dad. 

It has been cold and this is getting old. This isnt the place for cold. I will talk about the weather later, my fingers are too cold for much more typing. 

Problem

I did shave today but I don't want to post the check picture. It was too cold to do it on my normal day yesterday. It was kind of cold today. Of course, this native Texan's idea of cold is anything lower than 70 degrees F.

I have a new anxiety medicine now, sertraline, and it is doing a good job. If you read the past of this blog, you know I used to take citalopram for a long time. Unlike it, sertraline does not make me super-sleepy.

It has all but disabled my sexual ability. It feels like it's not a big deal but I don't know.

I haven't had a bad panic attack since I started taking this new medicine. I will tell the doctor it is doing me good.

I have been able to sleep without panic waking me up like it was before.

This medicine has also all but swept away the grief I was feeling. I am able to remember my dad in a positive way.

I am constipated right now and that is never fun. Err, feel uncomfortable.

Shave Check

I was able to shave today as it is 80 outside. Love 80 degree weather.

I shaved in the bathtub because I didn't want to tie up the other bathroom. Takes me 10-15 minutes to shave.

I hate shaving, it is one of the reasons I hate maleness. Yet, I do it because of self-image, comfort and I look less like my dad that way.

I got a haircut on Saturday. I do not know if you will like it. Have a look and see...

Male Pain

You can go search on Google or find the anatomy chart I posted in this blog to know where the prostate gland is.

It is at the base of the bladder, above the root of the penis. I always thought it was cool how this troublesome male organ is attached to the pubic bone. Saw it on my CT scan. My cup like pelvis.

My pain is because my prostate gland is damaged by psychological stress. It became damaged sometime in my time at walmart.

It always hurts, especially when I pee and much worse if I have to go poo. (forgive my language, I am consciously avoiding profanity)

The prostate gland's function is to secrete a fluid that is a vital component in semen. I am no stranger to semen, having done the m-thing many, many times in my life.

It is doubtful that I can reproduce in sex. It hurts to have sex. I learned this in my last experience. I am older now and less stressed than back then but I still hurt.

Mind, that this pain does NOT involve my penis or testicles. The latter hurt on their own sometimes, the whole system is connected.

This prostatitis is likely either because of grief-stress, or a bacterial infection. If it is a bacterial infection, usually caused by dehydration, stress, being sick, I did have a respiratory infection recently.

If it is a bacterial infection, I MUST go the doctor. That can mean serious badness.

This pain I feel is constant. I would describe it as a headache in the center of your pelvis.

To show that you can't tell it by looking, you can see my penis here. I am not posting such pictures in my blog.

I am not shy about my parts, too many medical tests done on them. I am just showing the hidden nature of my male pain.

I have chronic prostatitis, though infections happen sometimes.

I was told to take motrin (which I cannot take), do the m-thing (not possible when I am hurting) or take a very hot bath (possible).

I need to see Urology badly but they won't see me without insurance. I do not know how medicare fits into that.

I will sit here and hurt. Badly.

Apologies if you don't like this. It is part of my life, a serious part.

Fear

I have lived out here for 15 years. It is more or less what was home. Aged a lot out here, spent a lot of time alone out here.

That time alone... did it cause my anxiety disorder or my addiction to porn? Is it why I am afraid to get a new girlfriend?

It doesn't feel like home anymore. Ever since the death of my father, it has become a place of fear. I don't like being alone here. I am not usually but I when I am, panic sets in.

I don't like seeing the bed he was on when he passed. Have to pass it to go take a shower.

Memory is deeply affected as the places he was, they are still here as they were before.

I don't want to leave this home but I don't want to stay here. It stokes my grief. I am afraid that I would have to go far away, still in my native county, but far from here.

I feel afraid of changes. Where will my aging take place?

I am afraid, this fear stokes anxiety, which stresses, grinds on my P-gland, which has hurt severely for several days.

I will write a post about my male pain later. I will show you my parts so be mindful.

Anxiety

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder originally in 2007. It was re-diagnosed in 2012 as generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

I have anxiety in no matter what happens. My hands shake, I sweat, heart pounds, tense up, can't breathe.

When I bought this laptop on which I am writing this, I could barely talk, panic making it hard to breathe. I mean, it was Best Buy, not somewhere unfamiliar.

I do not believe I will ever get better. I feel it worse than ever.

My father's death has added a new aspect to it, grief, fear, and hopelessness. It makes it hard to sleep, food doesn't taste right. I can't enjoy Pepsi, even, and it is my favorite cola.

I don't feel so bad the later in the day it is. I have anxiety management. I can talk about this even if it is ugly.

I watch tv, I get up and walk around, I focus breathe, take a hot bath, do the m-thing, anything to reduce panic. Panic attacks can come from anything.

I just got my hair cut. I'll take a picture later. I can do that because I know the hair cutter isn't going to hurt me. It is unpleasant to be touched but that is expected so it doesn't cause panic.

I do not have panic in my hometown so bad, familiarity. Sometimes it happens but not often. What I do have panic in is going to any Walmart. I also have it when going to the doctor.

I can go somewhere unfamiliar and have a full-on panic attack. This is avoidable.

I had a panic attack at my dad's service. I did my best to hide it but I was also weeping and that feeling, unfamiliar to me, makes it more intense.

I will always have grief that my dad is gone. I am growing to accept the loss but it is hard. It is just the lonely space in my heart that will always be a void.

These feelings come and go and when they come, severe grief pain. My anxiety gets involved and it becomes a storm like Katrina.

This has to be addressed so I will be going to the doctor and hopefully can get a new medicine.

I will be Arthelius again but it will take time.

Reconsidered

I was going to close this blog but it is more or less a record of my life. It has been going for years and why stop now?

We may have to move. I do not know to where or anything about it. I will have a hard time but sticking together, we should be okay.

Severe Grief

My dad's funeral was today. I made it most of the way through before breaking down during the prayer. When it was over, I went to the casket and said 'Goodbye, Daddy', and just broke down. I don't know why I am hurting so bad.

My dad was paralyzed, had a stroke that made him that way 17 years ago. It was only a matter of time before it happened again.

It did in his sleep on the morning of Feb 3rd.

I don't know what really happened. He had blood pressure issues and felt bad the night before. No sign he would leave us in the night or morning. I am positive he did not intend to go.

Now that he is gone, a constant in my life gone. I  wont get the verbal abuse anymore, that won't be missed but the wit, the experiences, the jokes, memories, everything he was.

You can't know the pain this causes me. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I mean, come on, it's my father, not a child or wife, neither I have.

I can't think of him, I will cry.

I am 39 years old, a boy shouldn't cry. My cousin and my sister's friend both told me it was all right to. It is a sense of loss I was not prepared for but who is, really? I do not know if I will heal from this.

I have decided that it is time to close this blog. I can't be amused or light-hearted enough to write a memorable post.

I will leave this up for a while.

Grief

I was hopeful that my 39th year would be better. I mean, when we get past this accursed winter.

My father died on Tuesday morning. He was 59.

The grief is far stronger than I expected. See, I have expected this for the last 17 years, from when he had a debilitating stroke that paralyzed him. He lived with extreme pain ever since.

I do not know exactly what happened to him. I don't want to think it is his aneurysms, his original problem, but more than likely, that is the case.

This is a damaging blow to my family. The pain of loss is too intense, probably always will be.

I will shave tomorrow, lessen my resemblance to him as much as I can as not to cause my Aunts any pain because I look like him enough. It hurts me looking in a mirror.

Arthelius the Ghost has no offerings about death. He merely stands in sympathetic repose.

Any love you have would be appreciated in this difficult time.

Ar-Ghost

I am Ar-Ghost, Arthelius-Ghost. Why? I thought that sounded cool, Roman sounding name. It came from a playful conversation between me and my ex-girlfriend, a long time ago now.

Who is Ar-Ghost? He is an aging white guy from Cen Tx. He is stricken with severe anxiety disorder and has strong agoraphobia.

Doesn't go outside if he doesn't have to. Doesn't go anywhere other than the store and to the lavandiera.

He feels self-conscious about his belly, his teeth. He has strong misandry, doesn't even like his own maleness.

He can get depressed. It has happened before. Got pretty dark there sometimes. But appeal brings it a new way to feel. Appeal could be anything. For Ar-Ghost, it's underwear. He has bought underwear from many places, seeing what's more comfortable.

He likes MeUndies. Anyone who has worn a pair would. He is wearing some now.

He is mulling buying a 5-pack though that is a pretty large hit to his budget.

He has urinary system problems and tends to have accidents. This has to do with his stress-damaged prostate gland. It always hurts to some degree.

Ar-Ghost has been sick for the last week with an upper respiratory infection. He is getting better after a thoroughly unpleasant time.

He tries not to feel anxiety, tunes out. Listened to Jimmy Somerville today. That's not an everyday thing. Ar-Ghost likes 80s music. He was a kid in the 80s and kinda missed some of it.

Ar-Ghost stayed up yesterday to watch a rocket launch that was scrubbed. He is not young anymore, he is three seasons away from 40.

Ar-Ghost fears his elder life.

But aside from writing about myself in the 3rd person, I will tell you this.

I am Gregory and I am still here.

Oh, Gosh

I am still sick. My throat is no longer sore unless I cough.

This does not excuse having beastly hair on my face. I am better than what I was in the last few posts. I no longer have a fever and the mucous is subsiding. I still cough some up but it is not as bad.

Why does this keep coming up? I am unused to being sick. I haven't been sick in a long time. I stay inside all the time and don't go anywhere.

I scrubbed my nose with proactiv as I said I would. I do not know if it made a difference.

I did have an accident. There are 2 overlapping scars on my upper lip. The older one was from when I was a kid and my mom's Chihuahua bit me. The other, which I cut, was from a can hitting me in the mouth as I took down a display in the old store I used to work in.

I hate multiple bladed razors. I do not know why I have one. I was using an old shaving cream as I ran out of the Aveeno kind.

I am running out of everything, deodorant, shampoo, orange juice, no cookies, it's stupid. There is a large interval typical of 31 day months between when my benefit comes.

I will be okay, I believe. I am getting better but I am having urinary issues related to my prostate gland problems. I don't like peeing on myself. It hurts when I don't do the m-thing for a while. I did not feel like it when I was sicker than I am now.

If this illness was caused by a bacterium, it could migrate down to the prostate and give me a bacterial infection, which hurts like a mf.

Anyway, this is a shave check post. I do not feel 100% so I am not as cute as I could be. I desperately need a haircut.

That spot on my lip is where I cut that canned vegetable can scar, it's blood.

Worse?

How sick am I? It seems to be worse than first thought. First, this started as an allergy thing, watery eyes, sneezing and a fever.

But yesterday, I started coughing, a lot. When I woke up today, my throat rages and I have lost my voice. I can talk but not very well. It is unpleasant to talk because it makes me cough.

I don't seem to be coughing up a lot of anything. I feel a strange tickle in my throat like you feel when you cough.

I still had a fever but I have Tylenol which has let it subside for now.

I am hungry but my throat.... I only ate a chicken sandwich, maybe I shouldn't have but damn it, I am hungry.

I get so thirsty. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking tea but I am.

Coughing is painful now. It hurts my throat and makes my head pulse. This is a sinus thing or what?

I don't have the money to see the doctor yet. This would happen in the last week... fucking months with five weeks in them. They are always the worst.

My phone's minutes run out two days before I get paid. That's a 30-day thing, an illustration about the bad part of a monthly payment.

I do not know if I will still be sick when I get paid. I hope to God not. I will go to the doctor if so but assuming I am getting worse, will I make it?

I don't remember when I was last sick like this. I was, I worked at wm then. I self-medicated which I cannot do because I have no money.

It's a vicious circle.

My nose, raw from wiping and being near the heater, seems to choose this moment to peel. I will scrub it with Proactiv before I shave. I don't know if you look at my nose in my shave check picture. Why should you? Noses seem to be an obscene thing to me.

Burping. Been doing that a lot. I don't know what is up with that.

I shouldn't have gotten sick. What the fuck? I am all but a shut-in. I don't leave this place more than three times a month or when I have to do my laundry.

Could I have gotten sick there? I don't think so. I avoid getting close to people, my agoraphobia avoidance.

I don't know how I got sick but until my throat subsides, the mucous river cuts back, and my voice returns, I will be sick.

Hate it so.

Hate Sickness

I hate being sick. I haven't been sick in a long time. What is different about now?

I had to get a big box of Puffs. My nose is clogged, slowly leaking high-grade mucous. That mucous, I have seen naughty films where a female gags herself on fellatio and spits up the same mucous. How in the world is that attractive? It feels good to receive it but not so watching it.

What is the point of this mucous? What is my body doing?

I have lost my voice, I try not to talk, it kind of hurts.

I don't like being sick. Doubt seriously anyone does but really, it's just awful.

I slept for 10 and a half hours. What is happening to me?

I don't like getting up at 5 pm but did on this Hate Sunday.

Feel the worse when I do wake up.

My digestive system seems not to be affected. I still get hungry and can eat. God forbid if I have another accident. I think that was because it was dia-icky and I didn't realize it. I did clean my MeUndies which aren't really supposed to be washed and dried in the fashion I usually do laundry. Heat blasting dryer, I mean, it costs quarters to keep it going. I set it to hot and set it for 30 minutes. 35 to 40 minutes for pants and towels. HAVE to be dry because of the long stretches between the time I can do laundry.

I hate being sick. I hope it fades before my benefit comes. It is embarrassing being sick in public. You feel like you shouldn't be out and about.

But really, that is in like a week away. I have been sick for going on 4 days already. If it goes on for that long, what damage is this doing to my body?

I can't go to the doctor now. I may have medicare but if he prescribes a medicine, which is usually the case with my doctor, I could not afford to get it right now.

Fucking greed in all of the healthcare and pharma industries.

I have not seen my doctor since the summer of 2013. That may be a bad thing but that is how it is. Parts of my medicare don't mature until another few months.

I may be getting better but still feel awful. I mean, my body must be fighting back. If this is bacterial in origin, some of it has likely migrated to my prostate gland because it has been hurting more than normal  recently.

I do want to talk about other things but a long as I am sick, this will be what I write about.

Icky Mess

I had an extreme male pain. This is usual when I have to crap. Increased pressure in my colon presses on my prostate gland and ay, it hurts like a motherfucker.

Only this time, I don't know if it is because I am sick or I feel like a Ken doll cooked in the microwave, I lost bowel control. Got in my MeUndies and on my leg as I took them off, contaminating my pants and a towel I wore when I used All Free-Clear to handwash my MeUndies, which are clean and drying.

I am 39 years old. I am aging, everyone is, but will my elder life mean more incidents like this? No, I believe this was an isolated incident because it was partly dia-icky, like a gelatinous mass.

I don't know what caused it. I did swallow mucous as it comes down my throat, no choice. A lifelong ingrained thing, something my mom did NOT tolerate was spitting. I cannot spit, unless I really have to.

And the mucous still flows. I don't know why this illness persists. I drink orange juice and boost the Vitamin C in my over sugar-laden system.

I have allergy medicine but it only helped by stopping the constant sneezing.

Now a cough has started. Not a painful cough, my chest does not hurt, rather when the mucous builds up.

I feel ashamed. Such a stupid mess. I scrubbed myself raw with Dial and then the body wash I use. I will consider this an isolated incident and the next time that severe male pain erupts, go to the fucking bathroom.

My prostate gland issued some fluid, meaning it was squished on. Muscle tension and pressure pressing on it, that is how it got damaged in the first place.

I remember when Dr. H gave me that prostate massage, it was an awful and embarrassing mess and I did not even have an erection. No, pressing on my prostate will cause pain and pain is second only to anxiety that will kill excitement. I don't understand how other guys like a prostate massage. That is agony and a feeling of violation to me.

I am sorry to share this with you. It is what happened and I am feeling ashamed. Smh....

I rechanged my blog back to a dark theme because the white hurts my eyes. I am more light-sensitive than normal. I do not know why. I am going to the eye doc soon.

I hope I feel better soon.

Sick

I don't know what is making me sick. I made it through many years of cold winters and never got sick. It could be something others brought in.

How am I sick?

My nose runs, slowly like a glacier moving. It is watery mucous and sticky. Mucous never bothered me but gosh, my nose keeps running and it gets everywhere. It is nasty.

My head feels like a block of lead, heavy and painful.

My eyes water and light hurts them. Writing this, I can barely look at the white screen.

I sneeze every five minutes or so. It is painful but doesn't hurt my chest like sneezes usually do. Sneezing seems to loosen the mucous in my nose for a moment.

I cannot say if this is an allergic reaction or is something to do with a social illness.

I feel awful.

My booty scratch is healing but itches like all get out. I am surprised I didn't get sick from that. My male pain has also made itself known more than normal. Could this be connected?

I have an issue with my male parts but this is not the post to mention it. I'll talk about it later.

Shave Sick

I have become sick, cold or something. It is respiratory, something that has happened before more than once.

I did work in retail for a very long time. Contact with the public, whether be it at school or work, you can catch what others bring about.

This may have been what happened here. I may be isolated by my anxiety disorder but others here are not.

I didn't shave on Tuesday because I didn't feel my facial hair had grown enough to comfortably shave it. I did it on Thursday, when it was cold and as I am ill at the moment. Willpower is strong when it kicks in.

I wish it would stop growing. I could take certain poisonous hormones and it would but then, I would really get gynecomastia. If I did, I would show off my tits. I can do so now but I don't have them to show. Just pectorals. As it should be.

I am not female in appearance no matter what others have said. I am pale because I don't go outside. If I exposed my skin to the sun, I would burn or get new freckles, neither a good thing.

Short of posting an image of my male parts, which is possible, I assure you I am male in mind and body, wants and desires.

My shave check picture. I am sick, I am sorry I don't look better.

Forgotten?

No one seems to read my blog anymore. Why? What did I say? Don't like the new design? 

I have become sick, people bringing it from outside. Feels like a cold or something. 

What do you want to see in this blog? Do you want to see more pictures? 

More opinions? Talk about my ever-present male pain? (which is stronger than usual at the moment)

I could post a picture of my male parts. I reckon that would get some interest. 

I don't have a tropical storm to write about. I know one ravaged the Philippines recently but I missed it. I haven't been feeling well mentally either. 

I haven't gone anywhere since the drama-causing trip to the laundry. I will have to do so again but I will wait until I go get my hair cut, it badly needs it.

My watch also stopped. I have to go to a jewelry store to get a new battery. That isn't cool, a watch barely 2 years old dying like that. Can't know how long it sat in a warehouse or something. 

I will write an underwear post and post a shave check picture later, about to go shave.

It is cold but self-identity is stronger than discomfort. 

Unwanted Drama

I talked about the Tide allergy. I had it bad, itching terribly and breaking out in places where the clothes fit close to skin. You can imagine where.

I ran out of clean clothes, wearing them despite the Tide allergy. It isn't easy to go anywhere.

Understand, the drama of my sister. She is a tetra-disaster, causes trouble in no matter what she does. It is her truck that is our only vehicle. I had to use it.

I live in between two towns 18 miles apart. Just going somewhere involves driving on the highway. When my car was operational, I did not go anywhere much, I did when I had to or when I wanted to see the lake. I haven't seen the lake in over 10 years.

Is it a crime to want clean clothes not washed in Tide? I went to wm and got the All I couldn't get on the monthly trip to the store. I do not go anywhere else. It was the laundry. Is it bad to go to the laundry?

Am I bad person for washing my clothes? This isn't a frivolous this, it's a fucking human right.

I have a quarter fund for going to the Laundromat. It is not a big deal, I prefer the laundromat because it is an HE washer whose drum is made of METAL. It is a dryer not powered by electricity. It is a better way.

It isn't easy. It's panic-bait. Kids getting everywhere loud noises, bright lights. It is a perfect storm of the things that ruffle my anxiety feathers.

They took money from me and lied to me. I needed my hair cut, still do. I can't do that until my benefit comes in 2 weeks now.

My watch is dead. I was to get a new battery for it. I cannot do that now until after my benefit.

I can deal with the hair, I can be cute with it.

I can deal without a watch for a while but it isn't easy.

I was thinking, if I had killed myself in 08, I almost did, this would be no trouble. How is this healthy thinking?

If I am ever to get 'better', how can I get 'better' when people dig and dig and pull the ripcord to a metascale panic attack?

I only wanted clean clothes. That does not make me a bad person.

I could go naked but really, no one likes a naked male. Myself included.

Changed

I changed the very look of my blog. Something different. I made a new star scene at Colour Lovers to fit the new style.

Why light colors? I don't always feel dark and troubled. I veg out sometimes or lose myself in writing stories. I listen to music to tune out things. The Skullcandy Hesh II headphones help in this.

I had given up on them when I had a cord issue but I got a new cord that is about as stiff as a coat hangar wire. It is a better cord, better transmission and sound to it.

I do not know if you like the new style. No one ever comments here despite the comment blank left there. It isn't there just for show.

I am feeling okay and the cold isn't so bad. For now, at least. Winter's not over yet.