Yes, I am Hurting

My right hip has arthritis. It hurts more when it is cold. 

This insignificant to my anxiety and grief pain.

I do not want to end my life. I have many stories yet to write. I have the promise of Sala. But it is too hard and may take a long time. 

A long time I may not have. Anyone feels anxiety about money. Normally being broke does not bother me but this time it is different. I have no help from my sister.

I am afraid of applying for food help. What does that mean if I cannot take care of myself because my SS benefit is too small?

I adjusted to a cheaper insurance plan with more benefits but it doesn't take effect for two months. 

I am hurting intensely mentally. I do not know how I can deal with this. No one wants to help. What's the point in asking?

Maybe I am unwanted. No one likes me that way. Sala? She shows indifference sometimes. 

Instead, she can come to my grave. 

I cannot deal with living like this. The tv bill wasn't paid so I will lose it sometime later in the month. There is not a cheaper plan. I looked. What's the point? Nothing appeals to me anymore. 

I cannot watch movies because I get anxiety and upset. Even ones I know like Rambo. 

The cold causes cedar to pollinate. It wasn't cold enough yet but winter hasn't begun yet. We are barely into the Autumn. 

I will not hurt myself yet but I cannot promise it won't happen. Hurting like this is tough.  

Uncertainty Pain

So begins the month of my birth. 

I have an unknown amount of birthdays left, if things keep happening. 

My mom's death has devastated my budget. I am broke mere hours after I received my SS benefit. This is not supposed to happen. 

I worry a lot. It is my nature to. But I am reminded that my mom is gone every day. 

I have not found a way to deal with it. 

I hate being human. I should have been a monkey and gone a long time ago.

But Fate is cruel like this. 

I cannot promise I will be there in the future. I feel more despair every day. 

How much is enough? None of my medications are right to do what MM did. Though taking a 3 month supply of venlafaxine might do the trick. Don't think I have not thought of it. 

I cannot 'not' feel this. I am mentally ill. 3 different psychologists said so. Asking someone to get over it is an insult and inconsiderate. 

I cannot live broke for 30 days. I can't do laundry. My quarters for the water machine will run out. I may have food insecurity later in the month. 

I gave up my loan because it became too expensive. It went to getting my laptop, ev even if it is a repurposed business one. 

I know I will need a new computer in 2025 when Windows 10 is cancelled. That short sighted and insensitive decision should get the CEO fired forthwith. Millions of computers become electronic waste, the worst kind of pollution. 

I have anxiety about this. 

I have anxiety about life after my mom, which I thought I could not survive.

I may not.