Unwell

I have been really sleepy all day. Kinda disconnected. My stomach feels queasy because of the powerful antibiotic I am on. I get the squishy diarrhea from that too.

Curiously, my prostate, which has been behaving for the last few weeks has hurt me off and on today. Could the antibiotic be upsetting thechronic condition that makes it hurt in the first place? I hope so.

I am clearing up in my head. My clogged ear keeps popping when I yawn, a good sign. I can hear markedly better but not normally yet.

However. I am coughing up the ultra pure grade of mucus that comes from the chest. I know you know how that is. We all get sick some time or another.

It is nothing to ashamed of.

This society we live in is overdue for collapse I think. People have idiotic beliefs, they crowd places like rats, and this prevalent contact with people from all over the place is an ideal transmissable siitutation for the invading bacteria or virus that prey on us humans.

I am not antisocial. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. This means I freak out if people are in my space. There are few exceptions. One is Jen.

Jen is afraid of something. I don't know why but she won't even let me see her bra. This is dumb, I know but I was curious as to what kind she wears, so maybe in the future, I can get her a better one that flatters her perfect breasts.

Jen is near perfect in body but NOT in mind. This is hardly saying she is anything like the yellow haired stereotype. Jen has a fear of contact.

She is overly sensitive and while that is hardly abnormal (I am myself) I think something is wrong with that.

Why is she like that, so closed in like that? I wish she at least acted like a good girlfriend once in this year and a half long charade that has been a relationship. Maybe then, I'd pay more attention to her. She has to give to receive. I do the same when I can.

I am sick and tired of having no money. I do not really know where my money goes, if things cost so much. I can't go to the doctor because I have no money.

I wish I had one iota of Arthelius's 'persuasive' power. Of course that is what got him into trouble and why he's a ghost and I am human, sitting here in my chair in the rural wasteland, 37 miles from my girlfriend, hurting in my lower abdomen, and feeling very sleepy. Ay ya.

Listen to Ned's Atomic Dustbin. It is one of the greatest bands to leave England, imo.

Underwear :)

During this unhappy Christmas holiday, in which I have been sick, my right ear stopped up (clearing now with suphedrine) and I am taking a new antibiotic, Something else unpleasant happened.

My Directv service is a sub-service to my mom's directv service. Yes, I live with my mom and dad. My dad is disabled and I do not go a day without seeing or helping him no matter how strong willed and unpleasant he can be. Anyhow, my mom somehow ran up the bill by ordeing some new remotes or something and our boxes were disconnected. This will persist until January.

When a directv is 'turned off' apparently, some channels are not blocked. These include the Directv info channels, government channels like C-Span and NASA TV, and yay, informercial channels.

I do not know why I like infomercials. I watch them when the box is unblocked but not as much as now. I think they are funny (like the infamous Magic Bullet 'party' infomercial). Isn't it funny that Mr T is doing one for the Flavor Wave oven? "I pity the fool...." More so on you, dude.

Some of these infomercial channels have shows like The Knife Show, which is funny in its own way, and the shocking and interesting Shop Erotic. I do not watch coin shows or auctions or gem sales. I do like the Jewelry Channel which helps me imagine the jewelry my characters wear in my stories. They can also be the focus of a story.

Some informericals are about squishing a woman's body in a bamboo fiber corset to make her seem less lumpy and (eww) saggy. They look hideous in their underwear. Imagine being a guy, attracted to her in this corset, not knowing that she looks like a deflated blimp when naked. The time would come when they are in a sexual situation, and she pulls it off (with effort). The guy takes one look at the saggy folds of hide and his erection would retract faster than a tape measure does.

I can't say every guy would find that repellent but I would. I am truly blessed to have a girlfriend that is fit and so very supple. That is not why I love her but it doesn't hurt.

Now let me tell you about me. I'd post a pic of me in my underwear if it wouldn't ruffle the prudish feathers of Blogger or Google. I may have a belly, not as bad as people seem to think, but otherwise, I am a cute guy.

I look good in underwear. I say this because I have seen other guys in all sorts of underwear in commercials or advertisements or on the package and they focus too much on the muscly body and hiding the peeny.

I look good because my muscles are average, my peeny is never hidden in clever light or draping effects, and my butt (my favorite part of me other than my eyes) is well represtented.

I like to wear briefs though there are times when I wear boxer briefs or trunks when I feel uncomfortable down there. I like them to fit just right.

I am not ashamed of my peeny, even when it is fully retracted because of cold or anxiety. It hides its potential then, becoming something more when excited. I am growing not to like having an erection, truthfully. It seems that it just doesn't matter. I must keep it in shape for Jen when our time comes.

I wear Hanes almost exclusively though the ideal underwear is cotton stretch by Merona from Target. I am not terribly impressed by name brand underwear.

I have a lot of it because I am searching for the perfect pair eludes me as yet.

What is perfect? Fit, look, color, material, feel. I hope Jen learns this so she can help me. Her opinion matters much to me. Satisfying her is my goal. She loves me more when I do sothing meaningful. I have no doubt that she loves me even when I upset her, which is never intentional.

Her underwear, I've never seen it, but I have felt it by touch, is soft and silky. I can't wait to see it but patience is the character flaw in me that keeps me with her.

I cant hug or kiss her because I'm sick. I do not want to make her sick.

But now with more powerful medicines, I will be able to hug her, which is a sensual moment for us.

Underwear is underrated. if you don't look good in yours, what's the point? Comfort and beauty go hand in hand, imo.

I will post a pic of my favorite underwear in a later post.

Ha ha.

I write what I'm thinking about. Helps keep my mind off how bad I feel.

A ghost needs not wear underwear. Arthelius gets by with just a spectral robe. Wouldn't that be great? Too bad reality bites there.

Sick, but Sharp

I have cut down on taking the Celexa-clone so it does not affect the cough medicine I take. I have a ? Stap infection? Cold? Respiratory infection? Whatever, it freaking hurts and my right ear is stopped up, screwing up my hearing, my 2nd most important sense.

It kinda hurts to breathe and I assume that I should go see the doc but I have no money to do so. It sucks. I wrote a letter to my bank about charging me to death for overdraft. I suck at math and Im weak to getting things I consider needed, no matter the cost.

I have written a lot over the last three days. I have watched the entire second season of Babylon 5 in the last three days. I have seen some of my favorite infomercials and i have been getting along fine mentally. No anxiety here in the rural wasteland.

This sickness is taking a toll on me. I may have to beg $15 from someone so I can see a doc.

I did the m-thing just a while ago and it's working fine. The antibiotic I am taking probably killed whatever was hurting my prostate.

It isn't cold. I dont know what is going on with the weather. It is probably why I'm sick. I didn't go to work today because my fever was over 100. I will not sign any punishment for missing too many days. I am truly sick.

My head cannot decide if it wants to hurt or not. My ear is bothering me. My chest feels like someone took a wire brush and cleaned out the inside of my bronchi and trachea, esp in my throat.

Oddly, I have not had much nasal congestion. This is maybe not the case since my coughing has become worse, a sign of respiratory distress. It shouldn't hurt to breathe.

I maybe getting emotionally better since this holiday bs is almost over. Hail hail, March 2nd. Texas Independence Day. Now there's you a holiday to celebrate.

This ghost is a Texan through and through and no amount of talk, or charm or even my favorite Californian, Jen, can take that out of me,

I got a bitchin new cell phone, a Samsung sgh-a127 camera phone. Let those douchebags commit a safety violation now. I will have photographic evidence. My only complaint about it is that it is red. I never liked red but its dark enough to be tolerable.

I played warcraft at Jen's house. I didn't get much out of it. I'd much rather play Final Fantasy 9.

Gosh, this would be a great time if I wasn't sick. Oh well, nothing is a perfect moment without some complication.

I will have a perfect moment sometime in January. I'll keep ya'll posted. I may take a trip to see the Alamo again and Jen's coming too. We may go see Disturbed, too. Hope my ear heals up before then.

Jen and I are becoming closer finally.

Maybe that is why I'm cheerful despite my distorted voice and uneasy breathing.

Aborted M-Thing

This is a personal post. I write it beause understanding me is the goal of my blogs.

I am in a sexless relationship with Jen. This is because in her sometimes vapid mind, belief in marriage is something requisite to even sharing nakedness let alone a poke party.

I am a human male. I feel like the ghost I am in my web persona. My anxiety plays a huge role in that. I take a medicine (the Celexa-clone) that does have effects in the build-up and time of release in the male orgasm.

I can regulate how much time it takes but when I am just doing the m-thing for myself, I like it to go by quickly. The m-thing is a regulator. It purges hormones, settles my sometimes achy urinary system, and hey, it feels good.

In sex, in my experience, I can go a long time before climax. I do not know why that is, but likely because my troublesome prostate doesn't immediately react to things.

Betroubled with prostatitis makes it feel like a vise is pinching on the base of my urinary bladder. This leads to the pain.

The pain limits me to the m-thing maybe 3 times in a week, but sometimes not even that.

I have done the m-thing for most of my adult life, maybe not for a good reason, because sometimes, I was bored years ago. Not anymore.

I call it the m-thing because I hate the word 'mastrubation'.

The m-thing is natural, safe and satisfying.

I do advocate it, especially for girls, so maybe they can be safe and not exposed to diseases that upset the delicate balance of the female urogenital tract.

I abort it sometimes. When I am dehydrated, which is often, or when I am distracted by lack of privacy, loud noises or pain.

But tonight was the first time I aborted it because it is too cold. I have disabled the heat vent in my room because the heat dried out my skin. It is 31 outside now.

Come on, I mean, this is the rural wasteland, where 100 is just another day.

I should mention, all of my skin dries out, even the thing involved in the m-thing.

I will go take a shower, yay for shea butter, and maybe tomorrow. I am off from the cesspit. Maybe I can do my X-Mas shopping, because I couldn't afford it before now.

Arthelius never had to do the m-thing. I mean, hey, he used the Force to get into a lucky female's panties. Probably it's why he's a ghost now, you think?

LOL.

If you don't like this, sorry, this is my blog. What do you expect from a guy with a frigid gf?

Safety

Ha. being a ghost and talking about safety. What does it matter? Being noncoporeal has its benefits.

Kidding aside, I am a Safety Team Member in my store. I have been for nearly two years. This means a lot more that attending usually boring meetings, wearing the red badge on my slave tag, oops, wm nametag, and being smippy about people doing unsafe things.

Accidents cost us our quarterly bonus last and it is wrong to blame us. Few listen to us and many just do what they want. Then there are those stupid fucking people called customers. They never watch where they are going and if there was red paint on the floor, they would blunder right through it.

I don't care if you think I am in the wrong business. I have worked in retail since I was 16. Normally in a average store, it's not a big deal. But the store I work in is more of evertything. More money, more items, and more space in which to watch for things on the floor.

What ends up on the floor? Broken glass sometimes. Plastic from wrappings or pieces of things, WATER, spit, vomit, and I saw one time long ago, somebody peeing on the floor.

This is not to say this happens every day. Water is the biggest concern. It could be condensation on a cold pallet, water from watering plants, the rain, or somebody spilled some. The glossy tile floor (which is really a detriment) gets slippery like your penis covered in KY.

People slip and fall. They sue wm. wm's insurance company, CMI, is gleefully charging for these incidents. That money comes from 'extra' money that supplies our quarterly bonus.

It should be a very powerful argument against ignoring spills. But it is not.

I have seen other associates walk by something spilled. I want to yell at them, call them stupid douchebags for jut walking by. But I don't. God forbid that I upset anyone.

Safety is not something restricted to work. Driving unsafe is endemic in the cesspit town I work in. This is largely thanks to the Army base that feeds the cesspit.

Go to www.kdhnews.com to see all the bad things that happen there.

WE ALL play a part in safety, whether it is safe lifting, making sure the floor is clear, or using a ladder properly. Cooking at home is a huge place for safety. Steam and boiling water burn all layers of your skin. Not just the top few.

A www.prevent-it.ca tv spot played today in the safety meeting, which was more of a pizza party than anything like usal. This spot is called 'Chef' and features a young woman who slips on a greasy part of the kitchen floor while carrying a large pot of boiling water.

It did not mince detail. YOU CAN BE HURT by the simplest thing if you are not careful and pay attention to what you are doing.

I am not the safest guy in the world. I climb on things because I'm short. I drive too fast, and I have a room that looks like the dump.

When the Celexa-clone kicks in, I kinda just fade out. That is not a safe attitude but it is the way it is. I do more to pay attention. I can be clumsy. I stay careful.

I can only do my part. I am a Safety Team Member. It has stung me three times in my time on it. Once when I had a car accident, once when my friend Ricky fell and broke his head open, and when I was 'busted' for leaving an open ladder on the floor.

I have been ever more vigilant since then and that is wearing on me.

Why should I be the only one that cares?

Be safe. You don't want to be hurt. You don't want to be responsible for something that could have been prevented. If you have feelings at all, you would understand the cost of being unsafe.

More than pain or money could be lost. It is extremely uncool to die while doing something stupid. It is even more uncool to die at work.

In this winter season, when it is icy or rainy, be careful. Watch your step and do more to make sure others do not slip or fall. I will. I will be the Safety Team Member of any group I'm in. I will make you care.

You do not want to be a ghost like Arthelius. There is no joy in such an existence.

Sadness

Several things have made me sad recently. I did not mean this blog to be a place to bitch about how life can be so intrinsically testing.

That being said, I will say that whatever triggers my anxiety is just plain unwanted. I am sick of my manager. my gf, who plays on my sadness like no other, and just the multitides of meaningless lives that jostle and crowd like so much cattle.

I'm content to stay here in the rural wasteland. Why do I call it that? Take a look at the dead and decomposing deer out by the highway or the clear cutting of the trees and places houses used to be.

Sure, it is far away from my job or just going to the store, and the net speeds out here would lose a race with a snail but it is where I have lived for the better part of 9 years.

Freaking cold and gray weather combined with the usual holiday depression make it hard just to enjoy oneself.

The days become a blur after a while. I am in a meaningless job that serves on purpose but to answer stupid questions and waste time.

But I recognize the value of having a job. I was without one from 2003 to 2006.

We shall not have a repeat of that, I hope. My anxiety developed in that time.

Part of Arthelius's story had a lot to do with the decay of emotion caused by the betrayal by a girl. It weighs some time on his spectral mind. And if that was a portent of someting in actuality, I would much rather be a ghost like him.