Holiday (Not For Me)

The holiday season has depressed me for most of my adult life. It isn't simple, but nowadays, it is more about not having a family of my own.

You can't avoid knowing it is holiday season if you watch tv or listen to the radio. You can't avoid it if you go to the store.

I mean, thousands of years ago, my Celtic ancestors had their own reason for celebrating this time of year. I am not saying that is the right thing but this kind of change is what is hurtful the most.

The solstice is soon. Within weeks. Means nothing to us but it did to them. To us, it is the first day of winter, not that the weather pays any mind to that.

It is also the shortest day of the year.

I have not seen the sun in a few days. I may not like sunlight but feeling it for a short time helps me. A clear blue sky helps me.

Haven't seen that, just this useless moisture from the Gulf causing considerable cloudiness. Veils the stars too, which is more hurtful. Nothing I love more than the stars.

I have made it a considerable way into the holiday season and remain normal, except for that welfare check by the LCSO. I should have let them take me, if only to get help for anxiety and have this prostate problem looked at.

I don't want to spend money to just 'talk' to the doctor. I have medicare but why stress it to have a 'talk' and a possible embarrassing DRE? DRE is the main way to know, other than feeling, that the prostate gland is swollen, and I know mine is at present.

This holiday morass is not helping. I don't need to be reminded that I have lived 39 years and have had no children or a serious love.

I could not physically love like that with this pain at the moment.

The next holiday I will appreciate is Texas Independence Day, which is in March.

I WILL go to the lake some time next year. I WILL learn to swim and do the things I intended last year. No more bs. I will have to go to the doctor for a new anxiety med so I can do these things without having a panic attack.

You may think it is sad or stupid but really, is your life any different?

Thanksgiving

Flashback to the mid 80s when I was in elementary school. Thanksgiving was a fun time of parties, certain foods, being thankful for what you had. Friends and family.

What happened to that? 'Black Friday'. Greedy stores open on what should be a holiday of friends and family expressing thanks for what they have.

I am thankful that my anxiety disorder hasn't killed me yet. I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for my music and the ability to write.

But I do not recognize the commercialization of this family holiday that is more about football, food, and seeing people you haven't in a while.

What will I do today? The same thing I do every day. I attempt to write, listen to music, play FFIX if I maintain an interest, it does bore sometimes.

I only recognize the meaning of this day, not the crass rotten capitalist greed that these stores make it out to be. I will not be feeding the greed. Not that I have money at this time of the month. When I do have money, nothing will be on sale! Typical.

If I could flashback to the mid 80s, I would. No web, no Ar-Ghost, nothing but love.

One Away from 40

I am getting older. I made it to 39. I never imagined being this old.

Am I starting to show signs of age? Well, my body problems come from stress and being sedentary. I am relatively healthy but I have teeth problems from the sugar death, and then that constant pain in my uro-g area and the ordeal of peeing.

I have either become sick or my allergies have revved up. I do not feel well at all.

I am trying to write a story. I haven't really written since October.

I hope I can enjoy my cake and I will feel better soon.

I said I would retire this blog but that is a lot of trouble. What do you think?

A Joke Day

Labor Day....

I haven't had a job since the 1st of June of 2010. That was when I self-terminated from Walmart. I had actually left in April of that year on the advice of my doctor.

I honestly believe if I hadn't left, I would have killed myself by now. I just couldn't deal.

Now I am on disability for this fucking debilitating condition I have. I mean, who gets a panic attack when breathing?

I don't know. All I know is that Labor Day doesn't apply to me. I do not work. I sit here at the computer all day.

I miss human contact. I go to the store just one time a month. It is pretty much the only time I leave the house, though I will have to start going to the Laundromat again like I used to do a long time ago.

I am okay if people leave me alone. If it is too busy, I will come back later. I have 'Dune Messiah' to read while doing the laundry.

Unfortunately, I will have a hard time making it to this day because of how I feel.

I am going hungry. There's nothing to eat. A failure in the monthly food budget and operation led to this. I will be okay after tomorrow night as I write this. I have already lost 5 pounds, which isn't a bad thing. I might post a picture of me in my MeUndies to show it off. My booty though....

Seriously, I have long established how I feel about holidays of any kind in my blog. Labor Day is supposed to be the 'end of summer'. Why then is it still 97 F outside?

Summer will end when it ends. The weather doesn't respect the calendar. That was true last Winter/Spring here.

I wonder how many more summers I will get. This pain intensifies during the upcoming holiday time.

I will be able to go to the store tomorrow. I will restore my missing five pounds.

I don't like having a belly but I don't like starving either.

Anxiety Today

I did not sleep well. I have anxiety problems. Fucking holidays.

I get so upset, it's not funny. Do you honestly think I like writing about this poison strangling my soul?
I get super-sensitive when I feel anxiety.

It just is so hard.

Enough.

I could talk about astronomy, my stories, the fact that I have an issue with my underwear.

Or things I want to do, go to a beach this year. Do I look good in my Speedo? Eh, not like I used to.

Anxiety helps me in that one way. So you went to a nudist colony, male reaction would be you know. I'd feel anxiety which retracts everything.

It stays retracted a lot more than it used to because my prostate still hurts all the time. That never went away. In some ways, it is worse.

So to hell with a holiday and the fake cheer they bring. How is a date on the calendar a holiday? We could live on a planet like some of those extrasolar ones who zip around their parent star in hours. How would a year be measured then?

Time is a perception. The reality is entropy.

I'm no physicist. I took biology classes to help my writing. The further I get from that, the less creative I have become. I do have resolutions, one is to always learn more. Another is to restore my T levels and feel good again. The biggest one of all, is to get help for my anxiety.

It's going to kill me if left untreated. I worry about this a lot.

Why do you read this? What do you care? You, as other people, are part of the problem

New Year

What does New Year Day mean to you?

It doesn't mean a thing to me. Most days don't. But why should a date on a calendar be a holiday? I have never understood this.

I will probably be hungry then, it is near the day of the month I get paid, which always seems to happen. This must stop!

I don't eat well when there is something to eat. Processed foods, fast food, I like pasta a lot. Others here do not.

I don't know what really will happen if food is more expensive because of congressional inaction. I can't afford it as it is. Going to get groceries always costs $200 no matter what we buy. It has been true for the last four months.

My cholesterol and other levels are okay but I only eat once a day. I don't know how this affects my health.

I have some pasta, sauce, chicken bullion. I can make something, you know.

I should be okay. I get bad anxiety ruffling thinking about going hungry. I never have in my life. Why start now?