Raw Animal Anger

There has been a fiasco in my budget that will ruin what usually is my favorite month (August). Okay, it isn't the end of the world, I can deal. Just won't have a few things. There will still be fried chicken and MeUndies and new headphones as mine are showing their age. 

I try not to feel angry. Angry is harmful. I just let it go but something inane caused it to spring forth like a busted dam. 

I watch NASCAR. Have since I was a kid. This minor league Xfinity Race is sometimes entertaining. However, it had an unfavorable result and gosh, I got so angry, still am, raw animal anger. 

When I get angry, it feeds into my panic disorder. It is amplified, I am so furious, I get energy I normally don't have and can't concentrate. Kinda like 'berserk' in Final Fantasy games, that kind of angry. 

It hurts my head and stomach. It causes some effects of a panic attack without the heart beating like a bass drum and feeling of fear. 

Causes panic sweat. Causes tension. Causes just plain fury. 

Also angry about weighing 173 pounds naked. What the fuck? That is like 15 over what I should weigh. I can;t exactly change my diet because I have no money. Got to get it at the first of the month and here it is in the hind end of July. 

This uncertainty about Windows 10 has been troubling me. About to find out what it's all about when I update my laptop. If it is okay, I will update this W7 machine. 

My laptop was always afflicted with Windows 8, any change is welcome. 

This anger makes my chest hurt. What is that about? Has panic disorder harmed my heart? I have worried about that for a long time. 

Stupid, just stupid. 

I will chill over time.  

Garbage

If it is something I know about, it is garbage. I like watching the mechanical arm on this particular truck. Reminds me of the first scenes in 'The Terminator' (1984 film).



Garbage is prevalent. We human apes make so much of it. From packaging to unwanted or spoiled food to gross things that have been in one's refrigerator too long.

I have worked for 2 different grocery stores in my life. Then I worked for wm much later. The reason I worked in 2 different grocery stores is because one closed or I may still be there today instead on disability for my soul strangling anxiety disorder.

A grocery store produces a prolific amount of waste from bad produce to cardboard to plastic to whatever else. It smells awful and can be sickening.

I live in an apartment complex now and every so often, this truck comes and picks up the dumpster with that mechanical arm. That particular dumpster smells as bad as a grocery store's dumpster. Truly awful.

I could recount the time at wm when some idiot put a wooden pallet into the trash compactor. Being a small guy, I had to climb into the compactor and wrench it out of there.

It is true that I hate being dirty, this has been the case since I was a baby, so I am told. I don't mind getting dirty in the course of working but you will not avoid getting dirty if you have to take out the trash. Not if you aren't careful.

I take the garbage out when the kitchen waste can is full. It is full often because of packaging mainly. Jugs the tea comes in, cartons from cases of soda, watermelon rinds, discarded food and other things.

I don't like dealing with garbage but until we human apes figure out a better way to package things and have zero leftover food, it's going to happen.

Typhoon Nangka

This is Typhoon Nangka about to ravage the islands of Japan with big winds and massive amounts of rain. 





I would imagine it is always a concern when one is from or lives on islands vulnerable to tropical cyclones, preparation is automatic. 

I hope no one is hurt but things happen. It feels wrong to admire the storm's structure when it threatens such a populated area.  

Hurricane Dolores

Time to talk about tropical storms again. Been a while. 

This is Dolores, in the Eastern Pacific. It has caused some problems.


It is moving northwest and should not be a factor as it moves into colder water which tropical cyclones do not like. 

Unfriendly

Let me say first that I do not have any problem with lesbianism. I mean, it is my favorite kind of naughty film.

Today, I went to the laundromat because there are issues with some of my clothes still smelling like that old house. Memory and all that, banish it so it doesn't hurt so damn bad. 

I miss my dad more than anything. I am reminded every day of something he said or what he would say. 

The laundromat is one I like, in the next town, a place I have been to many times. I do not use the one in this town because it is too damned expensive, as if they gouge for substandard service. 

So I am sitting there, watching the president talk about this stupid deal with an enemy nation, not paying any mind to anyone. 

Then this obvious lesbian girl who would win the ugliest girl contest of the month suddenly says from behind me, "Oh, I am not using that nasty washer after that man did." And a few other snide, misandric comments. 

What the fuck do you know, girl? I washed my delicate MeUndies and things in that washer, shirts with designs on them, stuff that can't be harshly washed like pants and towels can be. 

I use Woolite Delicate Care as a further precaution because MeUndies in particular will disintegrate over time if you do not take precautions. 

I am VERY particular about my underwear. I do not have certain things in them, other than the occasional pee stains because of my male problems. 

That washes out. I used a full dose of Woolite on them. I would be very disappointed if it didn't.

Let me be clear, I do not wet my pants. What happens is a reflex action when I am relaxed from peeing that causes a small amount to come down the pipe, as it were, feels like that.

It leaves a small spot, no larger than your big toenail. It isn't an issue. My underwear are not subjected to an acidic, bitter, sweaty, bleeding vulva. 

Understand that this only happens when I am upset or have to go really bad. 

This ugly girl upset me to the core. It is one thing to not like guys but to say such things in my presence? It doesn't matter, this girl is a non-entity, like an NPC in a game. 

My clothes come out clean and good. I have done laundry a long time, I know what I am doing. 

Could this be because I wore an indigo colored shirt? So I did. Doesn't mean anything. See, purple and its various shades mean to me, an expression of my pain, mental and physical. 

So, what? You don't like guys? I don't either. We have something in common. People should not assume anything. 

I will chill and not worry about what some ugly girl said. No wonder she couldn't get a guy. 

Bad Year

What happened? First, my father died in Feburary at age 59. Then a few days ago, my mom's best friend died at age 59. 

What does 59 mean? I am exactly 20 years from that age. 

We moved after 15 years out there. Some things had to be left behind. I live in apartment in my hometown now. 

I do not know what is happening. I don't feel good. My male pain is raging and I have been drinking too much tea because the water here tastes awful. I like Red Diamond tea, though I know it may not be good for me. 

I wish I had the courage to overcome my anxiety and find a girlfriend. I do not, though and life is hard because of that, I believe. 

I don't know, things are calm now. I have been getting more sun but I am afraid of getting melanoma because of my freckled pale skin. Also, getting some color (ha, compared to a dark skinned person, I am still white as a cloud) has exposed the cooking scars on my right hand. Boiling water mainly.  I am more careful now. 

I am not happy with the white wall background available here to take a selfie picture. I will do this outside when it isn't sunlight on full blast. 

I haven't been updating this blog like I used to. Been too discomforted to write much. I am back to it now so I will be here.