A Better Picture

I am not happy with these pictures because my hair looked awful. So I am trying to flip between non-sulfate shampoo and clarifying shampoo. This has made my hair look better. You decide. This shaving was interrupted rudely so it may not be good.

 

Hurricane Amanda

This is a beast. Hurricane Amanda. It is going to dissipate over the next few days but it is looking strong now. It's not a danger to land so it's okay.

Unable

I'd like to go somewhere. The same old stagnates, if you know what I mean. But going to a big city would be like not only poking my anxiety, but whooping it with a stick.

I do not have a lot of money, being on SSI but I would save if I had a mind to. I need to deal with body issues first.

I have been thinking more about having my male parts removed but I would need better insurance for that. I hate them more than ever.

If just going somewhere rekindles my creativity, I could write better. That is the impetus for this. Of course, going somewhere for me is just going to the store.

I have a sad life. I don't go anywhere. Agoraphobia sees to that.

Would it be possible to meet a female friend? I'd like that despite the trouble anxiety would cause.

Comment

I would never make fun of someone with a mental disorder. I have a big one of my own.

But I don't understand an eating disorder. See, in the months before I got SSI, I starved, I was so skinny, like in high school, though I have more of a muscle tone now. I got so freaking hungry. All I had was saltine crackers and the occasional egg noodles and that awful canned spaghetti sauce. Ew. You get used to it after a while.

But now, I am at 164, the sugar death I have mentioned before. It keeps going on and on. I HAVE to do something. I have to get back into some kind of shape. I mean, I have some cool underwear but the belly sort of ruins it, you know?

Hungry. Typically, I eat only once a day. I have gotten used to that so anything outside of that is seen as a 'bonus'.

I do not believe I am getting the vitamins I need. That diabetes test I had taken revealed a dangerous low amount of Vitamin D. Have I done anything about it? No. Because I keep forgetting.

Will it take a heart attack to remind me? I just don't know.

I am not hungry now. I see to it that I am not. I do not want to seem that is okay because it is not. I still eat only once a day.

So I don't know. This 10 or so days until June, this time in any month is rough. Until my benefit comes again.

Anxiety makes me forget. I don't like going to the store. Panic always happens. It has been like years since I have been to a book store, a movie, or went somewhere to eat.

Agoraphobia is the toughest part of my anxiety disorder. It won't let anything happen.

Feeling Ugly

It's shave time again...

I don't pay that much attention when near a mirror. I mean, I know what I look like. I have an issue with pores on my nose but blasting it with proactiv all but stabilized it by stripping all the moisture out of it. I cut back, my nose itches too much when that happens.

I never thought about my nose. It was just there. It is kind of an ugly feature common to all humans. I am male and have a male face. Though I have been mistaken for a girl on several occasions. WTF?

I am posting this picture with a question. What do you think of my face? Do you like it? Am I still 'cute' like the girls said when I was younger?

Oh, just feeling anxiety because of this perception that I am ugly. I know I am not but it feels that way.

Sugar Death

I have an extremely strong sweet tooth. I don't like bitter things. I like ice tea with sugar in it. I don't drink so many sodas as I used to, something in cola hurts my prostate gland just as the urologists said it would.

This sugar consumption.... maybe why I have a belly. Would it bother you if I took a picture of me just in my underwear so you could see it?

I am self-conscious about my belly. It is why I am going to try to suppress my anxiety (Extremely hard to do) to join a gym.

If there was substitute to sugar that didn't cause dia-icky, and aspartame does that to me, I would use it.

I have been feeling bad physically. I do not sleep well. I am not as strong as I used to be.

My teeth, oh man, this sugar need is killing my teeth.

I went to a diabetes screening late last year, mentioned frequently in this blog back then. The result is that I do not have type 2 diabetes but I am terribly at risk for it.

I weigh around 158 lbs. and I am 5 feet, 5 inches tall. My BMI is a little high.

My life is a sedentary one. I write stories and listen to music most of the time. My anxiety disorder and agoraphobia makes it VERY difficult to even go outside. Sunlight causes a panic reaction. Is that even okay? No, it's not.

I have been having anxiety insomnia, which is not a new thing for me. I had it bad when I was younger, especially during thunderstorms, which I hate.

This sugar consumption ... I mean, I believe in Causality and this consumption will have effects. 

I admit to that it is getting harder to get an erection but that may have to do with anxiety and pain. As a male, I am visually oriented and gosh, the recent issue of PH.... Female doesn't always mean beauty, you know what I mean?

Sugar. Got to have it.

My Anxiety

I had to go to the store as I needed new nail clippers and I ran out of OJ, which Vitamin C does help prevent illness. I know this from my own experience. Or it is the fact that I never go anywhere to be exposed to illnesses. Bacterial infections are quite possible if one doesn't wash their hands often, a lesson I learned the hard way.

So, this is a walmart,  a familiar one, smaller than many in my hometown.

Been there a million times it seems. I went looking for nail clippers that aren't overtly feminine and looked foolish looking around. My heart began to race and I became super nervous.

Then I find them at last on an aisle that is in the cosmetic section. I must have passed six different females of my age or younger. I could not look at them. It isn't an aversion to females, it is attention, like searing sunlight. I cannot deal with that.

So, I walk faster. I don't feel well enough to be all that physical. I mean, I told you I am out of shape.

I must look like a total fool. I feel so bad, like a shield my anxiety puts up. I can't look people in the eye, I can't talk to them. I can't even speak.

Anxiety sweat. It was maybe 75 degrees. I am sweating because of anxiety. This has been the most obvious sign of my anxiety disorder other than my hands shaking, which they do most of the time anyway.

When I worked at the largest and most busy wm, certainly in Tx, my shirt would be soaked with anxiety sweat no matter what temperature it was. I did change clothes if it was bad.

But where do I sweat? Back, under arms, face, my abdomen. My underwear briefs can be perceptibly wet from anxiety sweat. I cannot use an antiperspirant. Anxiety sweat overpowers that. I use a deodorant and axe spray, so I don't offend. But I don't offend. Anxiety sweat doesn't smell bad.

It is a stress reaction. Body isn't too warm. It feels warm inside, especially from a panic attack, which I had while looking for nail clippers.

I did find them, only $1.76. I mean, my OJ cost twice that.

I am not well enough to interact with the public. This gets worse as time goes by. It is why I prefer to order things online.

I have a negative self-image. You know what I look like, you know I am not bad looking but my anxiety distorts my self-image. I feel smaller than I am. Ugly, childlike. I am 38 years old, childhood was a long time ago.

I am ashamed that this happens. I am mentally sick because of this. How did this happen?

I don't know. I just suffer with it.

Tired of Shave Pictures?

I don't like facial hair. It has been graying for like 7 years now. It is mostly gray near the mouth and chin, darker on cheeks and throat.

I am not going to take a picture  of me with it so do not ask.

I shaved my parts two days ago but my face today. I cannot post those parts check photos, prudes and all, so I will post this.

I hate shaving as much as I hate being male in the first place. But it has to be done for self-image, comfort, and not looking like my dad so much.

I wonder if I did have my parts removed, if facial hair would stop growing. A mentally sound person doesn't wonder such things but I am not mentally sound with anxiety disorder coiled around my soul like concertina wire.

Maleness causes anxiety. Well, to be truthful, a lot of things do, breathing can cause it even. But maybe you like me as I am. I wish someone would post a comment and say so.

Oh, and about my hair. I wash it at 3 am or so every night. I woke up with this hair and kind of like it. I don't know if that affects my appeal. I wish someone would tell me.

No Love

I shaved my other parts, though should I post those images? No. Not unless you want to see my male parts.

This post isn't about that.

What is wrong with my life? Why do I feel so bad when I wake up? I feel so lonely when I am here at night. I concentrate on writing so I don't feel this familiar pain.

No Love Pain, it is extreme. But my anxiety disorder won't let anyone in. So what? How could this be changed? It can't. I have gone without treatment so long, my anxiety disorder like congealed. It will fossilize as days go by, like a shell.

That is how I see my anxiety disorder.

Without love, it will get worse and worse.

Not a Soldier

One of the things I feel the most shame for is that I never joined the military. I have lived near a significant military base all my life.

I am the only male member of my family not to serve.

I scored very well on aptitude tests for service in high school. They wanted me but I recognized that I am unfit back then.

I am too old to join now even if I could.

How am I unfit?

I have severe anxiety disorder.
I have terminal shyness.
I have a chronic illness in my prostate gland.
I am out of shape.

I don't like being yelled at. I like routine but not to the strictest sense of it.

I can't go outside without feeling some panic. I can test this with my peena. Probably would happen if I had to bathe in a communal setting. I am bigger than that by far but in anxiety, it shrinks to minimal size.

I am 1.6 meters tall. I am not a very big guy, kinda Hobbit like, actually.

I feel sick when in a strange area like someone else's house. This gets worse when in places I have never been before. I haven't ever been outside of Tx.

I just am not fit for service, I am not even fit for the definition of 'man'. I am male and that's that.

I write about a military. I did want to serve when I was younger. Now, I'm not a soldier.

I mean, my grandfather was a US Marine in World War II. He typified what I think of soldiers. Wise, strong, with a physical presence.

I am a ghost. Barely there.

It is shameful, yes. That kind of shame hurts.

Ya

I have been annoyed by facial hair. I am not used to having it, I think it is something that should be relegated to the past. But until then, I use the Schick Hydro 3 and Aveeno to erase it for just a little while.

Like my body continually makes male secretions, it also grows androgenic hair. Curse of being male.

Also, my nose, I have issues with clogged pores there. I scrubbed the heck out of it with Proactiv. That is why I have Proactiv, I have a reasonable complexion elsewhere.

Why does this matter? Do you like looking un-cute? I certainly do not.

I had a tooth crack earlier. This is a bad sign. I MUST go see the dentist. I haven't since my early 20s. I know that is a bad thing.

I am not going to show you my teeth, forget it. I'd soon as show you my male parts or my never seen feet as I wear socks all the time. Well, not when I bathe. I scrub my feet every night. No issues with them, well, except the sensitivity and pain inside.

I am posting this not because you like looking at pictures. I am showing what I look like at the same time as checking to see how I did.

What is Wrong?

Wrong.

I have been thinking. I don't like to go outside. The sun is unpleasant. Also, other people. I don't feel comfortable in the company of others.

My anxiety disorder is worse in some ways than it used to be. I feel it when reading a book or watching a movie. I don't know if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.

I have been just sitting here and doing my thing. The same thing I have really done since 2003. I have a better computer now and I have written so many stories since then. I just don't know.

You people who are only here for the pictures really bother me. As far as I know, you are too stupid to read the posts.

I have been writing about personal things since this blog was started and I am really bothered when you cheapen it by looking for only the pictures.

It is bad enough that you don't comment. I don't have to have a comment blank on my blog, you know.

I know which posts are looked at. I use analytics on here. I wrote a post about Russia and it got looked at but I don't give a fuck about Russia. We have our own problems here.

That is what is wrong.

Insulted

Why are you reading this blog? I write about something personal and no one reads it. I write about something stupid like Russia and it gets dozens of looks.

Why are you here? If you don't give a damn about me, why? This is really starting to bother me.

Shall I post a picture of my peena? Would you look then?

What are you here for?

I have things to write about but why if no one reads it?

I am ever more certain my life will end in suicide. I hope you know that you people are not helping.

No Female Companionship

I have been thinking about this for several days.

I do not have a female companion. I have had 2 girlfriends in my life but a girlfriend isn't a companion. Someone who stays with you.

How has this affected me?

I learned cooking skills I ordinarily used to never use.
I am particular about doing my own laundry.
My room is a tetradisaster mess. This is because of a mental thing related to my anxiety disorder.

I am lonely. I do not know what will happen when I am older and alone.

I do not have a love. I do not have children. I do not have the ability to go outside unless I have to.

I used to like going outside. I miss the sunlight on my pasty skin.

I have not been to places familiar to me in years.

If I had a female companion, maybe I would take her somewhere. Not that I have been to many places.

I am willing to try, to suppress anxiety if I am with someone. That does help.

I have never had a real serious girlfriend. I thought it was Jen but no matter how alike we were, there was one glaring difference. I am mentally sick, she was not.

I am willing to try having a real serious girlfriend. Why do you like me? Am I 'cute'? Appearance should not be the foundation for a relationship.

No. I have moments when I feel un-cute.

I don't know. I wish it was easier than it is.