Weather Anxiety

You know if you have read any of this blog that I like the weather. I like the sky, period. Day or night, especially. 

I don't like sunlight. I am developing glaucoma and the light hurts, burns my fair skin in moments. Sunlight actually causes a panic reaction because it hurts. 

I am fair skinned, you have seen pictures of my skin if you read this blog. I have freckles still, and I will be 40 around Thanksgiving time. 

That is not the point here. 

The point is, there are some huge supercell thunderstorms in this area, north of here. Confirmed tornadoes. It is that time of year and the weather has been behaving strangely. It hasn't been really hot yet and I remember many Spring times when it was scorching. 

Thunderstorms don't stroke my anxiety disorder, they beat it with a stick. I have memories of bad storms through here when the power went out. That causes a panic attack as surely as a girl talking to me would. 

Thankfully, none of the truly bad storms will hit this county. It isn't even raining at the moment. 

You see, knowing a lot about the weather opens a fear of it, knowing what it could do. 

I will be mindful of the situation north of here and hope no one is hurt. 

Unlike Me

I have always worn pants. My legs are pasty white and somewhat hairy. Male legs. I have defined calves and strong thigh muscles. I like to run and am used to standing on my tiptoes because I am not a big guy. 

However, my male pain is getting worse and also, it gets so hot in here in the daytime. Not because it is hot outside, because of the Sun's heat. 

I am not particularly shy about my body. Other than my belly but that isn't so bad. 

I wear better underwear. Right now Terramar, but most often, MeUndies or C-IN2. I like my male parts secure, not loose. My testicles hurt if they are touched or squished like holding the legs together or in jeans. 

I wear Lee jeans only when I go somewhere. I wear sweat pants all other times but not this season. I will stick in a shirt and my underwear. I only wear briefs. Always have and always will. 

I had C-IN2 Core briefs on yesterday. I was asleep but awoke because I had to pee. I was excited and that hurts when my male parts are secured. 

This isn't sexual stimulation but a normal male process when he is sleeping. If you have a male companion, you can check to see if it happens to him. He isn't healthy if it doesn't. 

Sexual stimulation is a problem right now. The Zoloft I take makes it incredibly hard to finish. I get stimulated and cannot relieve it. Makes me super angry. 

I suppose that would be good if I had a girlfriend but I do not. 

I am not going outside unless I have to. That makes it hard to meet a new female friend. That is, if my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled by her attention. 

The Zoloft has helped blunt the panic reflex but seems to have strengthened my avoidance behavior. I was at the lavandiera a few days ago and when I was folding my pants, I felt a deep panic, which I do not understand. No one was around and I was busy. 

I feel mushy-brained because of the side-effects of my medicine. I get confused sometimes and the sex thing. Cannot concentrate. 

It is unlike me not to wear pants but it is getting to where it doesn't matter. So you can see more of me, so what? I am male, I have male parts. 

I wish I wasn't but that is well-established here. 

TS Haishen

I haven't discussed a tropical storm in a long while. There have been several in the Pacific and Indian Oceans.





Hurricane season here starts on the first of June and runs to the end of November.

This one is in the mid-West Pacific and heading north of the Philippines, which just was hit by Typhoon Maysak, which isn't very photogenic now.

Conditions for this tropical storm are unfavorable so, hopefully, it will dissipate before causing too many problems. That is good.

Not Normal

In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.

The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.

This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.

I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.

I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.

People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.

Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.

Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.

I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.

I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.

Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.

I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.

Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.

My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.

I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.

My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.

I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.

I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't

I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'

You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.

I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.

You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.

It is everything.