Anxiety

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I have severe anxiety disorder. It was diagnosed in 07. I developed agoraphobia in the time since because I spend most of my time inside and don't go anywhere.

I have written a lot about how it affects me. I mean, the stress it causes damaged my prostate gland. A pain I will live with for the rest of my life.

I cannot 'not' feel anxiety and stress, it is a basic part of my brain or soul.
I have always been over-sensitive, even when I was a kid. I can't take a joke and lack the basic sense of humor many other people have. I do find some things funny but usually, it isn't openly shown.

I don't know what happened. I used to be able to go do things. I know I don't have to rely on the internet to buy new shoes but going to the shoe store is panic bait.

Panic bait, a new female friend until I know her well, is panic bait. What is panic bait? It is something I know that will cause a panic reflex in me, like driving on a congested road. Going to the doctor is panic bait. Seeing people who have hurt me like Jen is severe panic bait. I don't go outside because sunlight is panic bait. It burns. It is like a blanket covering everything.

I have pasty white skin. I don't tan well and I burn easy. I get more freckles which isn't necessarily a good thing.

I cannot sleep because of anxiety. What causes it? Noises, unavoidable since I sleep in the daytime. The temperature, in winter, it is easier to sleep unless it is really cold. Given what I wear when I sleep, it makes sense, I mean, sweat pants? There is a reason.

I cannot sleep if my radio is off. It has been part of my life since I was a small child. If it is off because of a power failure or the radio station goes down, I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep if I am having a panic attack. The feel of my own heartbeat can cause a panic attack.

I call this anxiety insomnia and I am having it now. I don't feel so well.

Anxiety disorder will kill me one day. It is not treated, I mean, I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. You can't get the right help with Medicare.

I think of hurting myself sometimes to make it stop. I don't because injuries are panic bait. Hurting is panic bait. I had a pain in my left side. That caused panic but it has subsided.

Insect bites, fucking mosquitoes, especially, really grind on my anxiety.

I just suffer with this. My cousin says I need to go get help. As mentioned above, one cannot get the right help with Medicare.

Medicare is for old people. Why do I have it? I am only 38. I have it because my anxiety disorder disables me. I can't go to the dentist, which I desperately need to do. I can't talk to people I don't know. I cannot even go see my friends.

My 20th HS reunion is next month. I will go but there will be panic, you can bet on that with certainty.

I write about these things because that is what is wrong. You may care or you may not. The disease of apathy is strong in many humans.

Sorry

I feel too bad emotionally to write a post. I apologize.

Not that you care....

Hurricane Cristina

Another beast in the Eastern Pacific.

This is Cristina, Category 4, out over the open sea where it will dissipate soon.



It will travel west into cooler water and not threaten land or communities. These kinds of storms are nice to appreciate, not those who hurt people and destroy things.

Troubles

You might have noticed that I haven't posted an entry to my blog recently.

I have been feeling upset and one should not write when upset.

I cannot put into words why I am upset. It is anxiety, yes, but I always have anxiety.  I have distressing dreams. I tend to have SF leach into my dreams and they can play like SF/Horror.

Then online here, the people posting pictures of their kids. That distresses me be because I do not have any of my own and don't need reminding of it.

Then there are insects. The warm season is here as is an increase of mosquitoes, flies and other things that bite and generally really irritate me to the max.

The radio plays green day ad nauseam. Why do I hate them so? It isn't as simple as hating the songs and the guy singing them, it is because of Jen, that is her favorite thing in the world. I don't need reminding of that.

I had a urinary accident a few minutes ago. This happens sometimes because of the p-gland, I don't need to go into detail.

Amazon was slow in shipping a package. I might get it a week after I ordered it. Then in a message, they totally fucked up and confused two packages. Idiots. I will find a better store to do biz with.

I just am upset. I am trying not to harm myself in the upset part of my cycle.

Changing Appearance?

I don't know but I look and feel different. I don't want to post any more shave pictures but I am sharing this one because I feel that I look different. Maybe you can compare to the other shave pictures posted in the past.

Shoes

What kind of shoes do you wear? Do you even care? What do shoes say about the person wearing them?

I don't give a fuck-all about what shoes you wear. I wear New Balance athletic shoes because they don't hurt my feet. I have worn New Balance for a very long time and it is what I know.

So what if I wear running/athletic shoes all the time? It hurts to go barefooted and I am particular about my feet, have been since I sliced my right foot on the instep open when I was a kid. It was on a broken bottle. Aside from a lot of blood at the time, it fucking hurt.

So, ever since, I have worn shoes. I have always wore sneakers. Why change now? I am not stylish. I am a ghost. When I do go out, never once heard good or ill comments of any kind of what shoes I wear.

When I worked at a place called Solectron, I worked in In-Circuit Test for a month. That is 11 hours on your feet. I was 25 then. My feet killed me, so sore, it hurt to drive home. The resistance of the accelerator and brake pedals hurt my feet.

I am 38 now. My feet hurt when walking a long way, going up stairs, standing on my tiptoes for too long. My feet hurt for no reason sometimes.

I scrub my feet with my back brush every night. I am very particular about my feet. I always wear socks. The color depends on my laundry cycle. I have more black socks than white socks. I like Hanes socks but not always. It kind of doesn't matter as long as my feet are covered.

Even if you were involved with me sexually, you probably wouldn't see my feet. I am more shy about them than I am about my male parts. Sensitivity like that.