Pain

 Last Wednesday, my foot started to hurt really bad. Its my right foot and I'm loathe to show it all swollen and red.

So, I went to the doctor today and was diagnosed with gout arthritis. It is intensely painful and any pressure on my foot is extremely painful. 

I cannot get meds until another day to go. I can barely walk. I have learned what to avoid and it is doable but damned if I'm going to give up tea. 

I drink mostly water now. It's not like it appeals to me but it's how it is.

They say it'll go away in a few days but it's been almost a week and it's as intense as ever. I don't know what to do but get an arthritis cream that will ease this awful pain. 

I have trouble sleeping and my foot cannot even tolerate the blanket on it. It's the worst thing to happen to me as I age. That is why I fear aging. That dark day two weeks from now, when I turn another year older.

I will post a picture of my foot later. It's still swollen. I wonder if this is penance for something. I didn't do anything to deserve it.☹️

Hurting More

I have been hurting more. I am 40 now and I guess it doesn't matter.

What does 40 mean? Getting old? Does it mean nothing but another year?

I hurt in my prostate area as usual. I don't go to the doctor as I have medicare and it doesnt cover prostate exams until age 50.

Also, a doctor sticking his finger in my booty is not a desirable thing at all. That is the best way to see if the prostate gland is swollen as mine is sometimes. Pressing on it is a kind of agony. Causes one to wet themselves too. 

I have come to despise my male parts. My left testicle is often swollen too, it's all connected. I don't know what this means. It causes my scrotum to be heart shaped, though I will share that a picture of that only on request.

Would I seriously have my male parts removed? If I was wealthy, it would have already been done but I am not so I am stuck with it. 

Does a penis define a male?

Something has to.  

I'll post a picture of mine if anyone asks.

Bad Year

What happened? First, my father died in Feburary at age 59. Then a few days ago, my mom's best friend died at age 59. 

What does 59 mean? I am exactly 20 years from that age. 

We moved after 15 years out there. Some things had to be left behind. I live in apartment in my hometown now. 

I do not know what is happening. I don't feel good. My male pain is raging and I have been drinking too much tea because the water here tastes awful. I like Red Diamond tea, though I know it may not be good for me. 

I wish I had the courage to overcome my anxiety and find a girlfriend. I do not, though and life is hard because of that, I believe. 

I don't know, things are calm now. I have been getting more sun but I am afraid of getting melanoma because of my freckled pale skin. Also, getting some color (ha, compared to a dark skinned person, I am still white as a cloud) has exposed the cooking scars on my right hand. Boiling water mainly.  I am more careful now. 

I am not happy with the white wall background available here to take a selfie picture. I will do this outside when it isn't sunlight on full blast. 

I haven't been updating this blog like I used to. Been too discomforted to write much. I am back to it now so I will be here. 

Icky Mess

I had an extreme male pain. This is usual when I have to crap. Increased pressure in my colon presses on my prostate gland and ay, it hurts like a motherfucker.

Only this time, I don't know if it is because I am sick or I feel like a Ken doll cooked in the microwave, I lost bowel control. Got in my MeUndies and on my leg as I took them off, contaminating my pants and a towel I wore when I used All Free-Clear to handwash my MeUndies, which are clean and drying.

I am 39 years old. I am aging, everyone is, but will my elder life mean more incidents like this? No, I believe this was an isolated incident because it was partly dia-icky, like a gelatinous mass.

I don't know what caused it. I did swallow mucous as it comes down my throat, no choice. A lifelong ingrained thing, something my mom did NOT tolerate was spitting. I cannot spit, unless I really have to.

And the mucous still flows. I don't know why this illness persists. I drink orange juice and boost the Vitamin C in my over sugar-laden system.

I have allergy medicine but it only helped by stopping the constant sneezing.

Now a cough has started. Not a painful cough, my chest does not hurt, rather when the mucous builds up.

I feel ashamed. Such a stupid mess. I scrubbed myself raw with Dial and then the body wash I use. I will consider this an isolated incident and the next time that severe male pain erupts, go to the fucking bathroom.

My prostate gland issued some fluid, meaning it was squished on. Muscle tension and pressure pressing on it, that is how it got damaged in the first place.

I remember when Dr. H gave me that prostate massage, it was an awful and embarrassing mess and I did not even have an erection. No, pressing on my prostate will cause pain and pain is second only to anxiety that will kill excitement. I don't understand how other guys like a prostate massage. That is agony and a feeling of violation to me.

I am sorry to share this with you. It is what happened and I am feeling ashamed. Smh....

I rechanged my blog back to a dark theme because the white hurts my eyes. I am more light-sensitive than normal. I do not know why. I am going to the eye doc soon.

I hope I feel better soon.

Feeling

I don't know what you are looking for here. Why read what I post? I reflect on my pain.

I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.

I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.

This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.

I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.

My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.

I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.

Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.

I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.

Ghostlike.

One Away from 40

I am getting older. I made it to 39. I never imagined being this old.

Am I starting to show signs of age? Well, my body problems come from stress and being sedentary. I am relatively healthy but I have teeth problems from the sugar death, and then that constant pain in my uro-g area and the ordeal of peeing.

I have either become sick or my allergies have revved up. I do not feel well at all.

I am trying to write a story. I haven't really written since October.

I hope I can enjoy my cake and I will feel better soon.

I said I would retire this blog but that is a lot of trouble. What do you think?

Shave Check... Hate It So

One of the things I hate most about being male, other than having male genitals, is shaving. Dragging a multi-bladed series of metal strips across what is sensitive skin seems barbaric. Yes, it hurts. It did not hurt so this time because I took my time and was careful.

I am starting to show my age, but then I am stressed. My inconsiderate and self-interested sister is to blame for this time.

I hope you like this, do I remain cute? I am almost 40, you know.

Arthritis

I have always known it has run in my family. My DNA test said in so many words, it's inevitable.

I am feeling it in my right hand's fingers right now. A numbing biting pain just lightly dusted on the joints in my fingers. Carrying something heavy hurts.

I am beginning to develop arthritis. I have pains in my hands, wrists, hips, knees and ankles. Not all at the same time and not all the time. It comes and goes.

One day, it will come and stay. Not being physically active can play a role in this.

Add to this, my male pain. I mean, I could write volumes about my troublesome prostate gland. I have in this blog many times. It ALWAYS hurts, particularly right now as I drank soda and like the doctors said, soda is bad for it. Sure enough, they were right.

I am having anxiety stress about attending my 20th anniversary high school reunion. 20 years?! It's like a ghost of a memory, so long ago. My life hasn't changed too much since those days. I still write stories and listen to music.

I know one day, it will hurt to move. I hope to know love before then, before it hurts to move. Pain will kill an excited peena like a switch.

I know this, happened to me before.

Is the future about pain? It will be, for me.

Too Warm

As I get older, I am a few years away from 40, I have tended to get more sensitive to extremes in temperature. You know from this blog I can't take cold at all.

But what of warm? Understand: Every summer of my life, and the 38th one is imminent, has been HOT. I mean 105F, 40C with 90% humidity.

That is typical August here.

It is 86 outside as I write this. Hot weather never used to bother me. I would be out in it and eh, it is the way things are.

But in the last few years, I have gotten to where I can't deal with it much at all. How did this happen? I may be of Celtic ancestry but I am all Texan. Texans should be immune to the heat.

It gets so warm in here.

I have been going to sleep earlier. This is more about being bored and I get sleepy when bored.

It isn't even May yet and yet I am complaining about the heat. Right.

The Heat hasn't even begun yet.

Childless . . .

Understand that most of the people I know are near my age (late 30s). This certainly is not welcome but the arrow of time marches on, unconcerned by human affairs.

Is aging entropy? I mean, you do break down. Bones weaken, joints swell, organs begin to malfunction. We are not meant to be static throughout how many years we get, it's never certain of how long we get.

I have written tons about my damaged prostate gland. It still works but it hurts ALL the time. Aging in a male means BPH. When it happens to me, with the underlying problems I have had for nearly 8 years now, I do not know what will happen. I am consigned to hurt there in the center of my pelvic area for the rest of my life.

I mention it here because this pain makes it extremely hard to have sex. This pain will kill excitement like throwing a switch.

That happened to me in the last experience I had. In the moment, stop. I was so embarrassed. How do you explain that it hurts too much to continue?

It could have been the female I was with, kinda repulsive. Felt so uncomfortable after. Ashamed. Ashamed because is it fornication? Is that the only way I can have a sexual experience? I won't commit adultery. Some things are just wrong.

Why is sex important? Aside from the at-the-moment benefits, it can lead to the generation of a new life.

Okay, let me say that I have never finished in sex. Anxiety will cause a causal loop and give me too much stamina.

But I can easy with the m-thing. So what is it?

I am on SS. I get so much a month, I am on a fixed income. The government recognizes that this anxiety disorder is a specter that ruins any chance for a 'normal' life.

I am 38, I have never had any kids. My sister did, I mean, her son is 18 now. Why didn't I?

I have been inside for most of my life. I write, I listen to music. I don't go outside like I used to.

Oh, sunlight, like a blazing sea, just everywhere. It feels so uncomfortable  to me.

I do want to make new friends. I do want a new girlfriend actually from Texas. It can't be that hard to find one.

But as long as I have anxiety disorder, it's never going to happen.

What prompted this?

Well, on facebook, my friends just flood the news feed with pictures of their kids. I know it is pride and showing off but it is extremely harmful to people like me who can't for whatever reason.

If I was to have a kid in the next two years, which cannot be ruled out because I intend to try to go out this summer, I wouldn't post pictures of them. Why? I would have pictures, tons of them, I like taking pictures. I just think others don't need to see every little thing.

Their pictures are harmful. Ruffle my anxiety feathers. It is unintentional cruelty.

38

Suppose for a moment that you were younger or older than me. I am 38. I was born in the middle of the 1970s and my childhood was a better time than the bs stupidity and frank misery the world has been since September 11th.

I don't like being 38. I am starting to show signs of age. It isn't so easy to sleep. I do not know why but it seems to be a decay of my body. This has nothing to do with my age. I mean, there are other 38 year olds in much better shape than me.

They have families, kids, jobs, etc... I have none of these.

I have been pretty much of a shut-in for the last 4 years, ever since leaving walmart.  I do go to the store but that's a necessity. I usually don't go alone.

Always at night because in the daytime, I cannot go outside and not have a panic attack.

How do other 38-year-olds compare to me? I am cuter, I don't get much sunlight exposure. I never drastically hurt myself like getting a broken bone. I have never needed a hospital stay. I always have thought that when I do, it is going to be very bad.

My hair is getting thinner. I do not think it will go away completely. Though baldness is common in males in the maternal side of my family, I have had my hair longer than they did when they were my age.

I get it cut short so that may seem like it is thin. I was told by an old man when I was a little boy that boys should never have long hair. I have always believed that and I never will have long hair.

I think that most of my life has been wasted because of my agoraphobia. I can't go out and do stuff, meet a new girlfriend, hell, I can't even go to Sonic, had a bad panic attack the last time I was there and I used to go there all the time.

I had a breathless panic attack when ordering tea at a familiar chicken place last summer. I could not talk. It was so embarrassing. When I paid for it, my hands were shaking so bad, also embarrassing.

My hands shake when I feel panic. It happens when I drive, go to the store. Worse when I go to the doctor and go to a certain city.

I can write about this because I think about it all the time. I am not like other 38-year-olds.

If you are the same age as me, please comment and say hi. I have never had a friend the same age as me, they are mostly older than me.

Troubles

You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.

Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.

But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.

If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.

When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.

I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.

I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.

I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?

Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.

Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.

Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma. 

If I only had known then what I know now.

The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.

Uncertainty is a stressor.

It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.

Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.

I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.

Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.

There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.

No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.

It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?

Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.

I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.

Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?

This summer is going to be tough.

I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.

I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.

Body pain, that is a very big stressor.

Body Pain

I mentioned some months ago that I had a DNA test done. This mainly was for health reasons and #1 risk on it is Gout.

My grandmother was stricken with RA. She succumbed to death at a relatively early age from Lupus. I was 11 when she died.

Did I inherit arthritis risk from her? I have the same blue eyes she did, pale skin. I mean, family traits. I miss her most out of all my departed family members.

Sometimes, a pulse of pain will run through my legs. My knees hurt for no reason sometimes. Nothing hurts worse than my hips when they hurt.

My feet hurt a lot for a few minutes and then it fades. My hands hurt sometimes.

I have never hurt my back, nor have I ever been seriously injured.
Are these pains something my body is telling me? Or is it a harbinger of the future?

The pain in my pelvic area is ever present. I can tune it out unless it burns, which it does sometimes. My prostate pain will get worse as I age and get BPH. I could be at risk for prostate cancer but it is not likely given the tests that I have endured said that I am not.

Then my gonads hurt sometimes. This is a feedback pain from my prostate gland. They are all connected.

Stupid male bs. I hate the whole thing, ugly thing. I ought to post a picture of my accursed male parts.

These pains do not last for very long. They come and go. I mean, Tylenol does work on me. I hate taking medicine but will if I have to.

It might be just aging. I don't know. If I was more active, probably these pains would not happen. But agoraphobia keeps me inside and I can't go out and be active.

A vicious circle, mental pain affects physical pain.

Shave Today

I don't feel so good. It seems that the local water company is over-chlorinating the tap water. I have had what I call dia-icky (because I have a hard time spelling the real word) and then painful constipation as I am not drinking as much water as I should.

I didn't want to shave. However, my laundry cycle depends on it and I have to shave again before I get my hair cut on March 3rd or 4th, depends on how I feel. I want to be cute.

I get into ruminating story ideas when I take a shower and may have forgotten to wash my face in last night's shower. I don't feel so cute. Aging is apparent in my face.

I don't know if anxiety is causing aging. I am one of those people who don't look my age.

Oh, about my glasses. Someone smooshed them and bent the frames, I am trying to (very carefully) fix it. So if they look out of position, they really aren't. I see fine through them. If they were out of position, the diffractive index would be off and cause distortion. That isn't happening.

Enough babble, here's the picture. Tell me if you will, what do you think?

Irritation

What irritates you?

Bothering me irritates me. I have Skullcandy Hesh II headphones on. I cannot hear you when the music is on. I listen to music ALL the time. I hate quiet. I'd say it drowns out the voices in my head but I don't have those... yet. I am not that mentally ill.

I am getting older. It's not so easy to get up as it once was. I feel weaker than I used to, though that may be the Low T affecting me. I am old? 38 is old? I am not that far from 40. What is old? I never envisioned being old. I thought it would be steady. I mean, my face isn't changing. I don't have saggy skin.

My arthritic future has yet to manifest. I am genetically predisposed to it.

How are my prostate issues going to affect me? Every male has BPH as he ages. What if mine is too broken to endure BPH? For now, it just hurts when I pee.

I don't feel any different from the last few years. As long as my anxiety feathers aren't ruffled, I am okay.

Laying on my bed earlier, I felt it, thump-thump-thump, like a bass drum beating in my bony chest. How has panic disorder affected it? Will it trouble me as I get older? It frankly scares me sometimes.

I wasn't so old when I started this blog. Used to have a quirky sense of humor. As I have gotten progressively affected by Anxiety Disorder, I don't find things funny like I used to.

Is aging bothering you as well? Do you wonder what it will do to you? I will shave tomorrow and post a picture. See how I am aging.

I never thought my adult life would be this way. When I was a teenager, I thought, yes, it will be cool. I could do what I wanted. But no. A basic personality trait (shyness) became a feathered specter that encages my soul.

I am not the same boy I was then. I have changed and not for the better. I am agoraphobic now. I can barely go outside. I'd like to so things but no. I spend all my money so I am not tempted to go somewhere and ruffle my anxiety feathers.

The no love thing hurts too. I thought I'd eventually find a loving girlfriend. Instead, I found an immature twit from California who had no idea what love is.

I have always had female friends. It used to not be hard.

My closest female friend is 27 years older than me. My second closest is my cousin.

If I should make a new one, what will she want? They all want something. They wrap their deep-seated cruelty in sweetness. No, some hurts can be avoided.

I will grow old alone. That is, should my anxiety not kill me first.

I don't want to age, to get older. I hate the very thought of it. But I have gray hairs now. What does that mean?