Hurricane Rick and Oh, Me

This is a basic IR image of Hurricane Rick, currently tormenting the area near the Sea of Cortez. The GOES Satellite System is great, ain't it?

Forgive the dark area in the picture, it is the terminator line, the line between night and day as seen from orbit.

Ol' Rick there is starting to move into colder waters and cold water to a hurricane is like water on a fire. I hope to visit Puero Vallarta and Cabo San Lucas someday and I hope this tormenta grande spares them and breaks up over the Sierra Madre Oriental.

I am still rather ill. I have a come and go fever and a painful cough and the angry prostate chimes in when I go to the bathroom. I still have no voice, but that's not so bad. Ain't got much to say anyway.

Kinda like Arthelius, the bum.

Ay! Rick's a Monster!

This Rainbow-IR image from a NOAA GOES Pacific Floater Satellite shows the awesome storm in the Pacific off Mexico's southern coast. It isn't threatening any land at the moment but gosh, it's a great picture.

I have become sick after an environmental disaster (water damage) in the rural wasteland. I have medicine and it works for a while. I think its coddling the mold allergy but is it an allergy or pneumonia? Time will tell, and maybe, Arthelius will get off his spectral ass to help. Ain't likely though.

Naughty Me

I drove like 85 mph in fog. Genius? Naw, it's like everything else about that area, too fast and too stupid.

I will admit that I like porn. I love lesbian porn. I like simple sex, not hurting the female or dirty talking. I don't understand anal sex, that I could not do it but others apparently can.

A female who can project fluid from her nether area, now that will excite my thing, even when it hurts.

I usually don't like Playboy. I like Club mainly, but the Playboy TV Channel rules. It is not like Ten or Spice, or eww, Hustler TV. It doesn't show male climax or the sometimes brutalty of hardcore porn.

Sex can be 2 things. Simple biology, an impression I get when I am with a female, or genuine trust and love. It is always trust. The female has a heavier investment being that it is a usually thick slab of hydraulic flesh and cartilage being put in her body.

No matter what you think of your penis, it is NOT SPECIAL. You were spared the vaguest chance of even having one, if your Y-Chromosome did not kick in in the first weeks of gestation.

I will admit that I do the m-thing. It helps clear an angry prostate. I do not like seminal fuid. It is sticky and smells funny. I have made more than my share of it in the time my body started making it, long ago, about 1990.

I don't get any on me, and Germ-X my hands after.

Why do I share this aspect of my broken sexuality? It is one part of human life. We are bound by nature to share in the progression of our species. Why else do you think a pleasurable orgasm evolved? To make us have children.

I feel like my chance to have children is diminishing. I do not know if I can perform in a sexual act now. When it hurts, it is always inhibitive.

I do so dearly wish one female trusted me to try and see if it still works. It is not an easy thing to ask. The longer I go without it, maybe I wasn't cut out to male after all. Why did it take 33 years to realize that?

Arthelius. who never had trouble in that department, witholds comment.

Ghostlike

I like to think of myself as ghostlike. I am not striking, imo. I don't like general attention. Hello, my Anxiety Disorder never went away, people.

I got through tests all right, I suppose. I don't like it when my doctor(s) say that this pain is physically not showing up on scans. WTF hurts then. If this were a mental thing, wouldn't the celexa-clone chill that?

I hate some days. I shouldn't hate, but c'mon, visit wm 407 and see it firsthand. There was a schedule where I had 3 days off. I was actually happy about getting my hours cut. It's not like not having money is a rare thing out here in the rural wasteland.

I like to be unnoticed by most people. I like the attention of certain key people. I like being ghostlike. It is a seperate feeling shared with all those with the curse of Anxiety Disorder.

You cannot understand it if you don't have it.

Arthelius became a ghost to settle a dispute in Talk City years ago. It's been nice ever since. He has been on vacation so no comment from him.

I would envy him but he went with Marraka and that is like going out with your pet bear.

Ghostlike feeling, kinda like now on my day off. Who thinks of me then?

Like a ghost, then.

Big Bad Bill

You might reckon that I like hurricane pictures. I always have.

Here on the day I was considering suicide, which I have decided against (for now), I get a lovely picture of a not so lovely hurricane. Lopsided by a High Pressure wave, this storm is about as photogenic as a smooshed cake.

NOAA's Geostationary Observation Enviromental Satellite (GOES)-East took this picture some hours ago.

Yay, it isn't forecasted to strike the Gulf. We don't need that kind of attention.

Anger and Pain

My workweek begins on thursdays. It is always a suck day as the toad that is my manager is a asshole to the extreme. Today was no exception, telling me to move grills that weigh a considerable fraction of my body weight, then some that equal my 153 pounds and muchly surpass it.

Then the mf talk t me like I'm a dog because I'm slow. I think I injured myangy prstae because at lunchtime, when I sat down, it erupted into a severe pain. I thought that I had to pee badly so I went, and no, I did not. Prostatic fluid and my pee came out, feeling like a wire brush sraping the inside of my peeny.

I could barely pee. It was like water dripping fom a kinked hose, like the cheap ones we sell.

I went and asked the store manager if I could go and he let me.

I went looking for more comfortable clothes to wear but I aint paying $20 for a pair of shorts.

I have hurt badly ever since. My prostate gland feels like a stabbing pain above my testicles, and behind the scrotal area.

I am about to go to sleep. It is always worse in the morning.

Dr L, if you read this, please help me make them understand I cannot do certain things.

I am filing a formal complaint against my manager. Time's right to show my articulated and strong spine. I must stand up for myself.

Arthelius says: "It is those in complacency that are hit the hardest when change happens."

Well said, brother.

Blah

It's blah. How hot can it be for a summer? 102 says the weatherbug now. It is a relatively frosty in here at 89.

I have been hurting, usually in a tolerable way when calm, but severely when peeing or the other thing or standing, stretching, and of course, it just hurts anyway sometimes.

I feel blah because I don't get to see my friends. They work on my days off. I don't feel social much anyway.

Blah. I wonder what it would take to end this pain. It likely involves knives and stitches. No thanks.

Arthelius says: "Yup"

Never mind, then.

Wrongness

I don't know how to describe my feelings. I am a writer, yes, and descrition is not hard for me but describing a deep sadness that comes from despair is hard. It is the oscillating my feelings do.

I am in the suicidally risky part of the down feeling I get. It comes from among other things, the seeming hopeless effort to cure my pelvic pain. What will the MRI say? Nothing? Inconclusive? Why shouldn't I just give up?

Arthelius has nothing to say.

Something Ew...

I am unable to understand anal sex. I am revolted by the thought of putting my most sensitive organ in a girl's backside. This is reinforced by the DRE's I have been receiving.

Now I know it is necessary as a diagnostic tool because the angry prostate is literally next door to the rectum. Then I get two today. I don't mind Dr. L. He does not hurt me. But Dr. H. OMG. I get not only a more forceful DRE, I get a prostate massage, which some urologists have written is not as good thing as once thought.

I have had a sexual reaction before, when in therapy for the Kegel exercise. The Kegel exercise works the muscle that ejects the seminal fluid from the body. The therapist told me so. And gosh, I did have the same fluid drip like today when Dr. H poked my prostate three times in a none too gentle way.

I did not ask for that. I can come on my own, thank you.

I feel terrible. I still hurt and now I have to leave work early to have an MRI. I get off at 8 pm every day.

I will not even try to do the m-thing for a few days. I feel distinctly unsexual, a rare thing in my life.

The water heater thermostat failure that occurred on tuesday makes that for certain. Ever take a cold shower? It isn't fun.

My feelings oscillate. Yes, I am still looking at Aug. 19th as the last day of my life. I don't know if I can make it even until then.

I sure don't feel like Arthelius now, who had crossed the great divide some time ago.

He would say, 'Isn't fun being spectral, even if I did it with Spectral Madonna.'

How typical, as in life. Too bad I'm not that way. I'd be more of a man than I am.

I do need mental help. I may use BCBS's own resources to find one. 'Have to', says Dr. H. 'Obama will render us unable to help people'.

I don't believe that. It cannot be the way of government to so infringe on basics of life. It violates the Constitution. If we were so split on stupid ideals, perhaps none of this would have happened.

Ideals, look at the idiots who voted against Judge Sotomayor. Why did they vote 'nay'? No party or ideal speaks for me, why for them?

Oh, Me

I kinda forgot this place. It was a thing Arthelius learned the hard way. If there isn't something nice to say, then don't say it. That is why I refrain from updaing my blogs sometime. I mean, it isn't like people are clamoring for a new post. I doubt if anyone ever reads this blog.

My angry prostate is raging. I hurt. To distract myself, I am writing more. I also talk to friends through the IM. I have been severely upset by the closing of geocities and the impending deletion of my website. I have asked for it to be archived. No word on that yet.

I had set a date for my suicide, August 19th, 2009, the last day of a week vacation from that cesspit of greed, recently reconfigured for more greed and less satisfation among the chattel, oh, I mean, customers. I am uncertain now. I am not really of a depressed mind. I just feel bad physically. I have recurrent constipation related to dehydration. The hot weather is hurting all of us.

Constipation is a double edged knife in me. It hurts and adds pressure on my angry prostate, which is inconviently next-door to the descending colon (large intestine). Why are we so upset about our bodies? The prostate gland is a gland immediately below the urinary bladder in males. It surrounds the upper part of the urethra, and when swollen, can cut off urine flow. Because of its location and vents into the urethra, urine can backflow into it, usually when he holds off peeing too long, and bacteria therein cause an infection.

It may have been how my recurrent prostatitis got started. I no longer can hold off peeing, when I got to go, I got to then. Dehydration may be harming me. I dont drink enough water because peeing for me feels like a wire brush scraping the inside of my urinary tract.

What is the prostate's function? Simply put, it is the primary source of the major ingredient in seminal fluid. Forget the little guys swimming in it, there is more to it than them. The liquid suspention of the seminal fluid is made by the prostate. Without it, there is no semen.

I never thought about it until mine started this now 2-year-old problem. I have severely limited mastrubation because the after effect of actually using the prostate in the climax, makes it hurt more.

I can no longer tell what normal feels like. A dull ache is in my lower parts (inside, not outside). Whatever the trouble is, it has so far spared my peeny. That is a good thing because it is never a good thing when peeny hurts.

I feel better when I talk about it. I would like just one day of relaxing. I will on my vacation, and go to a lake I love. Feeling better isn't a matter of a vacation, it is being away from sources of trouble to my anxiety disorder afflicted mind.

Arthelius also would like to add, "Say, don't you remember when it was just a nice thing?"

Yes, once. Long ago.

Warcraft

This is a big kiss my ass to everyone who play World of Wacraft. You people are the biggest bunch of losers in the immediate solar neighborhood.

Let us talk about WOW. It is a pay per play service. It can cost a fair amount of money just for access and upgrades. In comparison, you can pay once and play Spore forever. You don't have to pay any more if you don't wish to.

WOW is a blantant ripoff of fantasy like LOTR and anyone who has played Final Fantasy for years would see elements of it in WOW. My favorite game is Final Fantasy IX, which is far more enjoyable than wrestling with a server and playing against 14-year-old pervs .

I played WOW for an hour once and I made up a hottie female character just to see what attention she would get and none of it was good.

My girlfriend is hopelessly addicted to WOW. She spends more on it than I do buying books and music. She uses her computer for no other purpose and it is ALL she talks about.

I read on the web that Blizzard is shortchanging people. You never saw Squaresoft or Enix, or their hybrid successor doing that.

BUY A PLAYSTATION 2 OR 3 and play Final Fantasy. Play Star Ocean or Chrono Cross, or any other of the superb RPG's on those platforms. FF13 will be HUGE.

I hope WOW is shut down and EA buys it so they can improve it and make it more appealing to everyone and less addiciting.

Might be a pipe dream. The great herd likes it and they cannot be dissuaded from a shiny toy they like.

3 cheers for my computer, which is saddled with crappy dial up but still performs admirably. I write with it, I listen to music on it, I watch movies on it, I play Spore, Sins of a Solar Empire, or any of the others but none of them keep me from web surfing and doing my thing.

If WOW is shut down, my gf just might show more attention to me.

Stress Lessening

Understand this: Our schedules have been retsored to normal. There isn't a reason to stess now other than one.

I take Hytrin, Terazosin for you science nerds, which is supposed to relax urinary discomfort, and does. Perhaps too much since I do not feel the need to go until it is totally full.

I am beginning to notice that I feel as horny as I did when I was a teenager. This has not been true for the last 10 or so years, as my sex need is usually regulated by the m-thing. The Tersozin must be causing the build up of the reproductive system. The average m-thing now feels lesser than exciting , more like a manual reaction.

I need sex, that is more crushing every day. I just can't go to a willing female friend or whore because I have my own Christian beliefs that tie me to my frigid girlfriend. I want to marry her and I do not want to spoil it.

People say this is my own fault but how can it be just by being a good boy?

It is harder to be good. That much is true.

Arthelius knew that the moment he became a ghost.

Upset Continues

I am stressed about the change in a schedule that has remained the same for 3 years. This schedule is tight because I have no ride to work between really 7am to 10am and no ride home between 9pm and 11pm. I work normally 11 to 8, which eats up the day, yes, but I'm used to it.

Management refuses to do anything about this and I may be penalized if I cannot make it to work at 10am. I use another person's car to get to work and they work overnight. I live 37 miles from the cesspit, nice when away, not so nice when there.

I am stressed because my anxiety disorder acts up, triggered by the upset of the person whose car I use, and the fact that I fear that I will lose my job if I am penalized for more attendance issues.

My stomach hurts. I have an incessant sexual need the m-thing isn't quelling, a side effect of the prostate-related med I take. I have suicidal thoughts when really stressed and I often consider self-injury (like breaking a bone) to get out of his anxiety provoking mess.

No one cares or wants to help. My friend Cha.... says she understands and will speak for me, as she can sweet talk them. I do not want that.

I want accountability by my own words, which will get worse as the screwed up schedule nears on the week of May 16th.

If I lose my job, I will kill myself. There is no point in continuing without my health insurance.

Enough do not like me to justify suicide. Only a handful would be hurt by it. Work has already severely limited the time I can spend with Jen. My schedule is one thing but my girlfriend?

Fuck walmart.

Arthelius says: "Greed comes in many forms, but worst when it comes in the form of a merchant who cares not for his employees."

Greed endangers souls and peoples' health. The cesspit, wm 407, is a house of the most avaristic greed.

Unlike Arthelius, I cannot change the way it is. I just have to deal. That gets harder every day.

Disrespect and Anger

I am extremely upset. I have worked the same schedule for all of my tiome in the cesspit. 11 to 8, like a mantra. a certainty I never had to worry about.

Then this toad, this mojao, schedules me a crazy nonsensicle schedule I will have to write down for the first time ever.

Yes, I don't like mexicans. Fuck you if you think that is wrong. I was beaten up by one as a kid, one impregnated my sister and though I love my nephew, I do not like what he is.

I am not racist. I am a student of anthroplogy and evolution. My dislike is a sociological one.

This toad who is only a dept manager after 20+ years at wm, talks like he is the only one who knows what to do and for you to guess. Then when he gets mad (which is often as he has a bad attitude) he yells at you like you are a kid who did something wrong.

IT MUST STOP.

I did not sign on at wm to be talked down to. I have been in trouble and never got talked to like that. I am approaching my 3-year anniversary. I am not a ro0kie.

If management does not do anything, the Home Office must know and if they don't, then the Department of Labor of the US Gov.

Arthelius was known to give in to anger. It is why he fell to the Dark Side. It was a lesson learned only after being a ghost for a while that he learned to chill. I know how to chill already. It isn't possible in the cesspit.

I believe in simple understanding and if that cannot explain the way things are, then why fucking go on with life?

If I had killed myself 2 summers ago like I intended to then, I would not have this problem now.

I wouldn't mind being a ghost but I have reasons to stay.

The anger will fade as I chill. XM-Chill is on, can ya dig it?

Morning Storm

It has been a long time since a big storm has hit the rural wasteland. Common here in storms are power failures, things getting blown around, and of course, bone soaking rain that comes down like a bucket being poured.

I was asleep until my radio broadcasted an emergency message from Channel 9 out of Waco.

I don't like storms. I have bad memories of them, huddling scared in the dark as the power went out and the very atmosphere rages outside.

I am not a fraidy cat. Do you remember the Jarrell Tornado? I saw it go by live on tv long before it hit Jarrell. I knew a girl from there who gave a graphic account of the death of a friend, who was wrapped around a tree like an overstretched doll. That girl was a fellow anthropology interested person like me.

It is sad, my gf, Jen, loves thunder and lightning. It gives her an orgasmic thrill. How strange is that? Every year, peope lose their homes and very lives in storms. Can't help from thinking of the dead people floating in the water in New Orleans in the days after Katrina.

During Katrina, the rural wasteland enjoyed beautiful weather as the monster hurricane had sucked all the moisture out of our local air. You always want to be on the west side of a low pressure system, or its most extreme form, a hurricane.

I do not know what this storm has done. Hopefully, it saved its worst for the cesspit. I will find out shortly on my daily joruney there.

Like Arthelius says: "We are at the mercy of elemental forces."

You think?

Sorry

I'm sorry for not updating as I should. It was just that, I am a concious person who doesnh't like to offend people. If there was nothing nice to say, then don't say it.

I just feel like my care for others is wasted. I mean, stupid rude customers and indifferent management make work difficult. I am a walmart associate, not a garbageman, conceierge, or slave.

I received my 3-year evaluation today (though 3 years isn't until 31 May) and I am an 'acceptible' associate. Eh. Like it would make any difference is I exceeded expectations. I don't really care.

I think my girlfriend is gaining some weight. That is ideal as she is too skinny and her face seemed fuller today, so cute. What is she doing that would cause this? Oh, but mind that that could be because of her period. I love her no matter what time of the month it is.

My goal in life is to understand. Through this, I have the knowing of a lot of things, but it is an evergoing journey of learning.

This isn't witty or clever. Arthelius says: 'Better ye say something then nothing.'

He is right sometimes, like that clock in my kitchen that stopped working, still at 11:19.

Angry Peeny

Why is it angry? When I woke up this morning, it was in its excited state, as is normal when a guy wakes up. Though nocturnal erections are involuntary, some kind of nervous system calibration or something, it can be inconvenient. Like when one has to pee. That was common when I was a teenager.

It is angry because this morning, I guess it was adjusted wrong. You see, the first nocturnal erection, at least in my case, comes when sleep begins. If wearing briefs, as I feel more comfortable in, it can be constricted. If you have ever came into contact with an erect peeny, you know the thing is rock solid. It will bend if in the normal 'down' position, yet continues to stiffen. This can cause it to bend very uncomfortably.

I usually always pull my peeny up before going to sleep but I don't remember doing that last night. It was constricted all night. When I woke up, there were impressions in the glans of my peeny from the stitching on the Hanes white briefs I wore last night. It was sore and it was iffy to pee and then in my morning shower it felt sore.

The feeling faded in the 20 minutes I spent naked this morning. KMA if you think that is bad or pervy of me. It is not.

My peeny never really recovered from the day last August when a burly male nurse cracked jokes as he inserted a camera probe into my peeny, which went up the urethra to the bladder.

I don't think it is physically changed other than maybe a slightly more open urethra and exit (the hole where urine/semen comes out).

My peeny looks fine now. It should, it got a dose of Cetaphil and Aveeno body wash. It is a good thing. I have a fine peeny. It isn't sick or injured, and is as good as it was when I was a teenager.

It is angry because the last three attempts at the m-thing have failed. that is brain's fault as it gets distracted. I will try in the morning to see if that can be remedied.

It is also angry because it waits for Jen. It is soooo ready for her.

Know this, peeny doesn't have a mind of its own. It is an appendage, no more a thinking thing than a hand or foot. Don't believe any guy that says he thinks with his. My peeny is better than a lot of them. Mine is circumcised. It is of fine proportion and length. It is pinkish and matches the color of my skin. Pasty? Not quite.

Why did I write about this? TMI? No, I am showing that I am not ashamed of my body. I am comfortable discussing this rather overrated part of a male body. If we did not make a big deal over it, then it would not be such a hang up.

I will consider entering into a peeny contest online when one becomes available.

Arthelius and I are the same person/Force spirit. We have identical parts. Why was he loved so and continues to be despite the spectral nature of his peeny?

My vacation starts today. 6 days away from wm. See if I set foot anywhere near it.

I should feel a lot better in a couple of days. Peeny will relax and just retract. It make look small when so but it isn't.

It actually feels better like that. I am most comfortable when it is at that mid stage between retracted and the onset of an erection.

If we cannot write about ourselves, what is the point of a weblog? Don't read it if it bothers you.

Thanks to those that do.

Tormential

I don't know why but bad things keep happening. now my new pc monitor has failed. I am yet again using this laptop I do not like that much. WTF bother? I spent $70 I could not afford to get a new power supply for my pc. It works now but doesn't mean f*ck-all if it doesn't have a monitor.

I can't access my stories, or play Spore, or any of the other things not in the laptop. Its feeble memory would not hold all of them.

I should not curse it, it is how I can go on the web and do other things, like the porn I watch on my computers. I have several DVD's usually starring Asian girls or Chloe Jones, who is disturbing to me because she is dead now.

I watch it only to make the m-thing easier. The point of the m-thing is to get done ASAP. I am usually very tired at night when I do it.

What else is this? I am being whored around different departments of the wm I work in, doing things not in my job description. I spent many months and did some dumb things to learn the GC, why am I usually pulled from it when nobody else is?

My celexa-clone is not working right. I am feeling anxiety again when I shouldn't and its dark side is emerging, the suicidal risk of SSRI's.

Lack of sex is hurting me more than ever. I am growing to believe that waiting for Jen is a terrible mistake. I might be waiting until the next ice age.

I don't know how I do it. There is a mucus party in my chest, throat and nose. It won't go away.

My dry skin is killing me.

Grrrrr! Why couldn't I trade places with Arthelius? At least he gets respect if only because he can kick ass with the Force. I can do nothing of the kind. Why does this happen?

I did not start this blog to complain. However, it evolved into that way and I can only apologize. Stupid, me.

Upset

I don 't usually get upset easy. My med takes this unpleasant aspect of being human and chills it.
But when I cannot find something, it appears. I have torn apart my room looking for a cd and discovered a huge mess that I have to clean up. That is upsetting too.

I am upset that I was so intent on finding this cd, that I remained in my underwear after my night shower and I still am. I am wearing black Hanes boxer briefs and my peeny protrudes from them. That is another upsetting thing. If I am doomed to live a sexless existence, why the hell do I have one?

I did not find that cd and I feel icky inside from the upset. I'll chill.

I kinda like me in underwear. My peeny is nothing to be ashamed of. My testicles are like any other, I reckon since there isn't much variation in them among males. I have never read that there is. I despise even looking at other males but I learn more to know more about myself.

I am listening to Deep Forest III Comparsa, a cd that was welcome tropicality on cold winter nights 10 years ago when I drove to work overnight.

I do not particularly like this laptop I'm using. I miss my regular pc but it may take days yet for repair. Its power supply has failed, the second such in one year of owning it. That upsets me too.

I guess it is just the way things are.

My life won't be sexless. Jen understands this is inevitable. I will help her appreciate it better.

Arthelius was quite the sex man when he wasn't a ghost. Now, though, his spectral peeny can't penetrate beyond his robes. I wonder if it will be the same for me when I am a ghost.

Rare Lucky

I did the m-thing too early today and maybe that wasn't a good idea. I feel a little iffy down there. No matter, it was fun and felt good.

I had a typical wednesday, but I went into a used bookstore in CC to see if I could find something to improve my writing.

Instead, I found something I have searched for since Y2K.

'The Man-Kzin Wars' is a series of books, an anthology of humanity's war with the cat-like Kzin. I have all of them except the fourth one. I could not find it on the web or in any bookstore between here and Austin. I assumed it was out of print and I would never find it.

Lo and behold, I found it in this bookstore! Oh gosh, I'm happy about that. I like the series for its sharp writing and memorable characters. It is funny to read about Chuut-Ritt knowing that in the future, his own kits attack and eat him.

I am very glad about this.

Sad Day

I took this picture with the Acer Crystal Eye embedded in my laptop. I thought I may look icky but you decide.

My cat, General Kator, is dead. He lays on an unused dirt road some distance from my house. He was not run over or looks obviously injured. He was well fed and loved. I am very upset over this. I do not know why he is dead and maybe I should look to not leaving my cats outside. Now I just have Hungry and I will ensure he doesn't end up the same way.

I will be sad for some time. Why did this happen?

I realize that he was just a cat, and cats do get into things they shouldn't. I should have had him neutered like Jen told me to. Maybe he would have stayed closer to home like Hungry does.

I have allergies or something. I keep sneezing and producing a fair amount of icky mucus.

I'm just sad. A hug from my dear one would help a lot. Only she is in the city of the cesspit and I am here in the rural wasteland. That makes me sad too.

Cat (girl)

There is a Black girl who works in customer service in my store. In fact, there are severeal but this one stands out in particular.

Uninhibited, friendly, very cheerful, Cat (short for Cata-something) is maybe a 7 on my 10-scale of feminine beauty. (FYI, my dear one rates a 9.3)

I am not particularly attracted to Black girls. Some are exceptionally beautiful. A great many are unattractive in a fat way, in an ugly way, or in a personality way. This is by no means restricted to their ethnicity.

I like Cat. I think she is cool but mind you, she is African-American and all that entails.

She likes to tease me, by showing herself or rubbing on me. She is going to embarrass me one of these days. If she wants to play poke the kitty, I'd take the advice of Arthelius and do it.

Because Cat is a girl, woman, whatever, and a comely one.

I would never consciously betray my dear one so don't worry. I will stay away from Cat.

Because Arthelius says: 'Better to be with one than have many with trouble as your gift.'

Whatever. Like a ghost would be so affected.

Errr.... Same Old...

I returned to the GC today, and darned if it did not change. I can't find anything and have additional live plant duties. I don't know fuck all about repotting plants, thank you.


It'll calm down. It always does on the weekend.

I oughta mention that Dr. L prescribed me cardura, which is making me feel like a zombie hit by a train. I notice that my pelvic pain is lessened although the m-thing I did about an hour ago may undo that. It seems that when my prostate is actually used, it hurts more.

I have a vacation coming up in a few weeks. a blessed time to be sure.

I feel that increased understanding is helping my relationship with my gf. Of course, I love her. My dear one, Jen.

Unable to .... No M-thing :(

Unlike Arthelius the Ghost, my net counterpart, I have a penis connected by a troubled urethra to a much troubled prostate gland and a bladder that wishes it was in someone else.

I don't usually talk about my peeny. It isn't something that I like to talk about. It isn't that I don't like it. I love mine. It has never failed me and has amused me for most of my life. Certain things are interesting. Its shape, its circumcision scar, and its general pinkness.

The only woman with whom I had sex considered it a beautiful thing and was muchly satisfied with it. I valued her opinion and feel confident that I could satisfy all but the loosest women.

However.... my peeny is troubled.

It is NOT sick in any way. It is a bystander to the real action, an angry prostate. My prostate throbs, my urethra, which passes through it like a train tunnel in a mountain, burns with ????

It hurts when I pee. It hurts when I sit down. It hurts when I bend over. It hurts when I stretch, twist, or carry something heavy. It hurts right now just writing this.

I have held off doing the m-thing because it alwys hurts really bad afterwards, especially in the morning after. And when the pain is the worst, it tends to leak urine, which you know, might be embarrassing, but crap! I love my underwear. I wear color coordinated underwear that I look good in. (Black when I go to work, white on my day off or gray, depends on the shirt I'm wearing).

While it may never happen, if someone robs me and Jen or our store and makes us strip to our underwear, I will not be the worst looking guy.

I don't actually like peeing. It has been annoyance since I tend to pee a lot when properly hydrated, which I have been intentionally avoiding to my detriment. Dr. L really hates that.

My prostate is angry because? No one really knows. It may just be pissed off that I'm not getting any.

I do the m-thing to purge hormones that distort my thinking into thinking about sex, but also because I believe it is healthy.

Now when I try, my peeny functions as designed but prostate says, 'I don't think so.... chump'.

It intensifies in pain and sends burning pain down my urtethra, making it feel like I am wetting myself when I am not.

My peeny does not stay in its rigid state long if I am hurting. It senses, I guess, that the plumbing isn't working right. It is dry anyway. I have severe dry skin and the 11% humidity today was not exactly helping.

I'm sorry, peeny, I never intended to develop an angry and painful prostate.

I am growing frustrated with this whole thing. I will order a new Vivid movie now and try again.

If Jen would open up just once and showed me her exquisite beauty unclothed, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, you know?

Somewhere, in the depths of the Force, Arthelius is laughing at me, the douchebag.

Cold

Apparently, there will be an ice storm visiting the rural wasteland. Good thing I don't work tomorrow.

I remember an ice storm in my hometown years ago that knocked out the power for a week straight. Ewww. I had a sticky peeny from the m-thing, being the teenager I was then, and then sticky elsewhere. Going without a shower is terrible. Hair gets oily and matted, you smell, and we feel icky.

I have poor circulation in my extremities. This means my hands and feet for you uneducated. They go numb when I get cold. I shiver, I feel cold inside and it is nearly unbearable.

I have many blankets on my bed. I have a lot of sweaters and sweatshirts. I hate wearing coats. I have mittens and I dont stray far from the heater.

My skin gets very dry. Already, my hands are cracking and bleeding. Even my peeny gets dry. I use Aveeno and St Ives (with shea butter). I like the way shea butter smells and the relief it gives my skin.

I wrote all this to show why envy Arthelius.

He has none of these problems. Ah, it ain't so bad being a ghost.

Why I Like Madonna

I am cheerful because I didn't lose my job. It will fade as the week wears on.

I want to clarify something that some deride me for.

Yes, I like Madonna. I actually have love for her. One of the first times I heard anything but Country music when I was a child was Madonna. I don't remember what song it was, likely 'Lucky Star' or 'Borderline' but I was instantly fascinated.

I love her voice. It is what a female voice should sound like. Of course, Jen's voice could onbly belong to a girl. Her voice is higher than Madonna's but she sings very nicely.

Madonna is beautiful. She is uninhibited, which is is a nice thing to see in an empowered female. She can write, which I think is great, because a female who writes shows her intellect, which some people do not see in a female.

When 'Ray of Light' came out, it was only better. She collaborated with William Orbit, who is a tremendous musician I like a lot too. Strange Cargo III is one of my favorite albums.

She does make errors like we all do. 'Hard Candy' is MTV fluff. She couldn't stay with what made her enjoyable, and what she did best.

I still like her. I have almost all of her albums.

It does not make me gay if I love Madonna. I'd do her if I had the chance, eww, not now because she is just 3 years younger than my mom.

My favorite song by Madonna is 'Beautiful Stranger'.

I do not care if gay guys identify with her. I don't care about them at all. I get tingly when I just hug my girlfriend. How could they not like females when I feel such an elemental attraction to exquisite femininity?

That is why I don't understand gay guys. I do not like other guys anyway. I have a lot of female friends and maybe three male friends.

The great majority of characters in my stories are female. This is because they are in roles traditionally thought to be male roles.

Madonna is an inspiration. She should not be compared with the likes of Britney or Christina A. Harlots, they are.

With age comes grace. Madonna shows this.

I like Madonna for a lot of reasons and she has the most songs by a single artist in my windows media player.

Arthelius met with spectral Madonna once. Even a ghost like him gets some sometimes.

Too bad I don't :(

Grr.....Sex

I have a frigid girlfriend. She wont even consider sex until we are married and that is not possible at the moment because we have no money. I have been her boyfriend for more than a year. I have waited for so long but I cannot wait anymore.

I am producing more than the average amount of seminal fluid with each time I do the m-thing. This is because I am stimulated by her.

I have bought more naughty movies. I need more stimulation.

This isnt enough!

I need to be with a female. If it is not Jen, then so be it.

I have trouble with betraying her but she doesn't have to know.

I do not want trouble with 2 females but it is likely Jen and I will never have a sexual aspect to our relationship.

Until that happens, I do the m-thing. *sigh*

Trouble

2 entries tonight. This, the first one, is the bad one.

I am in trouble for missing too many days at work. This so called decsion day about my employment is on sunday. I hope that my manager accepts the stupid reason I have for calling in, my troublesome prostate.

I hate wm even more now. I will say no more on this matter but I worry.

Annoyances

It could be my family, who constantly want me to do something. I am not a servitor. I get ebough of that bs at work.

It could be my girlfriend, who is frigid and doesn't reply to messages.

It could be my physical condition, my prostate hurting or the searing pain when I pee. General tiredness from the week's misery or the stupification of my celexa.

It could be that I haven't done the m-thing in 2 days. I don't believe Ive had a conscious erection in at least 2 days.

Lack of sex is for the better part something I rarely thought about since I was shy before the celexa and now am too tired or too annoyed to go look for some.

My teeth aren't in the best condition. Soe of my fillings have fallen out over the years and my left front tooth is chipped badly. Working in a store has its hazards, parrticularly if you are a stocker like me.

Now my eyes are bothering me. They seem to be irritated, though given my house, that is hardly a surprise. This rural area surrounded by allergy provokling cedar trees, dirt roads, highway fumes, pollen, then the smoking done by my family. The insensitive sods they are. I cannot see clearly for some reason. I will go to the eye doctor very soon. I am supposed to already have gone months ago.

It could be this Obama-mania. I want hard news and analysis. Not fawning over the president.

It could be the realization that I can write a better story but I lack the discipline to do so.

It could be my radio, which is failing after 10 years of constant service. I always have the radio on. It is one of my things I gotta have. Something from a childhood fear that left me unable to sleep without it on.

It could be my room, which is a combo between garbage dump and tornado damage. Only my clothes are well kept, though I've resorted to putting my off day clothes in a large plastic tote.

It could be that I need new glasses. The damned things aren't cheap. Especially if you have a powerful prescrption like I do.

This annoyance calvalcade wears on my anxiety, which is something I do NOT need.

When my tax refund comes, thankfully soon, I will see about going somewhere just to enjoy the day. It would be even better if Jen could come.

I need to go. I am getting sleepy and the *sigh* I have to pee again.

I'll be going to the cesspit tomorrow for new music, possibly new shoes and I will drop by Jen's house.

Understand, if I am blessed with a sex friend, it is in no way an affront to Jen. She doesn't and wouldn't care to know.

There is a little Arthelius in me. I am not the ghost he is, however.

Shock

Ever increasingly, I am frustrated with my frigid gf. Do you know that I have not even seen her belly button in the 14 months we have been a 'couple'?

She tells me that it is wroing to want sex from her. WTF??? It isn't a WANT, it is a NEED.

I trust her enough to undertake this most intimate of things. She does not understand this. She says it is 'against her religion'. What a freakin hypocrite. She does little else to demonstrate her Catholicism.

If anything, she will be damned for belittling human life. She is enamored with dogs. I wouldn't be surprised if she did sexual things with them.

Sick, true. She is sick in the head for behaving this way.

Enough about her. I humor her into believing I still love her. Part of me does but not the part that regulates my physicality.

The Shock came at work with a girl named Cat nearly exposed herself to me, apparently to shock me. She did a fine job of that because that ruffled my feathers big time. Cat is a cute Black girl that works in the front of the store. She is the polar opposite of Jen in personality.

If she becomes my sex friend, then Jen has only herself to blame.

Pull your head out of your ass, dear one, and realize, you are not getting younger.

I do not pressure anyone to do anything. I only accept gifts given freely.

I don't know. It is anxiety driven by my prostatic pain. I must know if I can still do it.

Why doesn't Jen understand this?

It is a question that may cost her a lifelong love and companion.

Horrible

I may seem like I complain a lot. I don't. I am a patient and understanding guy.

However, I HATE wrking in Grocery anymore. The work is thankless, crowded by customers, with people who are a clique unto themselves.

No thank you, I am not part of your team anymore. It says Sales Associate on my badge. The schedule calls me a Dept. 16 Sales Clerk. I am that. Department 6 is the GC, which has its own flaws but they are trivial compared to Grocery.

I am 'helping' a lost cause. I mean, what do we do all day but put stuff out that didn't go out the days before? In other stores, this is done on specific days by the regular stock crew. However, the store I work in is so freaking big and busy, it needs constant replenishment.

Sometimes, the replenishment can't keep up with demand. This leads to disappointing a customer, which wm claims it never does. That is BS and we all know it.

I did not ask to be put back in Grocery. I am mad at myself for accepting it.

I keep my head down and work at what I do well, stocking. I go see Jen when it gets tough because a girlfriend's love is a powerful pick-me-up.

I am sad because I am in a task that I did not want or ask for.

Only monday to go. It is my friday and usually is the worst day because of kiritchiny managers. KMA.

This upset tickles my anxiety. My anxiety causes uncomfortble tension. Tension that squeezes on my already injured prostate.

And people wonder why I'm uncomfortable.

I envy Arthelius. He does what he likes and no one makes him do anything,

Upset, Very Upset

I had some crummy days off. I was sick, yes, but I spent most of the time either sleeping or vegatating thanks to my celexa-clone.

But yesterday, when I went to work, they informed me, without my consent, to put me back in Grocery. I left fucking Grocery for a reason.

It is the deepest smelliest and darkest part of the cesspit run by stupid bitches. The only saving grace they have is that the store is in the parasite of FT Hood, K-Town. The sales would be good if there was a dirt floor and spiderwebs in the celing, which there are in places but I digress.


I hate my job, yes. Not the work, but the people. Why must there be supplication or politics? It's damned store, not Congress.

I am upset to the max.

I need to close this out and go chill.

I'll be okay, as long as there's a reason to believe in life, my reason, Jen, my dear one.

Getting Sicker

Oh, I wish I could be really Arthelius for a day. It hurts in my chest to cough now. It's painful and scary.

I called into work because of this because certain things in the store make me cough more than I normally would. I hurt so bad when I do.

I don't know why, but it always seems that when I get sick, its usually worse than other people's sicknesses. I can't say the rural wasteland here is all that spotless. I do things like wash dishes and forget to wash my hands afterwards. Then there is the trash taking, down the hill, across the road and the burned area to the dumpster, which has moved 30 feet since y2k.

I guess it's my lot in life to feel badly mentally or physically. NOTE: Jen has not texted or called to see if I was okay.

I hope I get better soon.

Just Awful

When I woke up today, I had a painful and mucus extracting cough that ravages my throat, I have it still, but it has been reined in a bit by DayQuil and Ricola.

I left work early because I feel awful and my cough is painful and embarrassing to me. I sneezed earlier and a gob of mucus hit my left shoe. Eww.

Oh. sorry, a 45 minute break whilst I took a bath/shower to get rid of a bone chilling coldness I had.

Anyway, I feel awful physically, sure, but it will eventually pass. There is another awful that is not so easy to displace.

I don't know why but many of the females in my work area talk about sex. Their experiences and how often they like to have it. It is a wonderful thing. I agree with that, but I haven't actually done it since the balmy late summer of y2k.

My mentally immature girlfriend refuses any talk of sex until we are married. Do I want to spend my elder years with this girl who considers her dogs her children, who has no idea of what life is really like? I am of the firm belief that when we do have sex, it will unlock this easiness to her charm. She will be better for it, not being so uptight and prudish all the time.

When those females talk of sex, I walk away. They remind me of what I do not have. I am stupidly loyal to Jen. But if I defer to her beliefs, then I may be 50 before even seeing her naked.

She has been my girlfriend for more than a year. When is it time to give up? I feel neglected by her and she wonders why I don't come to her spartan house that smells of dogs? Why doesn't she understand that I dont like dogs?

It does not make me a bad person. I am a cat person. I love my cats but they are pets, not family members. They stay outside and do what cats do, sleep and eat and crap.

I hope she reads this. I can't get the nerve to tell her how I feel sometimes. She gets upset so easy.

I am physically neglected by my girlfriend. Many say it is wrong and I should leave her but what is love but an overpowering force?

I woundn't mind in the least bit if I had a sex friend separate from my gf. She wounldn't know and if she did, I don't really think she'd care if she was not involved.

Arthelius had several sex friends and one true love. He did all right, but now he's spectral with a Wookie female who has all but inherited his legacy. Not that Marakka is anything like sensuously desireable from a human POV.

Ah, the trials of being a ghost. I envy that, really.

Hmm... Friends?

You know, I dont know much about Facebook, though I have a page there. I am a lowly wm associate and usually asocial guy. I have Social Anxiety, genius.

So when a person whom I utterly detested in school tried to add me as a friend on Facebook, I said no. And this isn't because I'm childish. I have not really heard from any of my friends from school and I don't want to hear about their fabulous lives, beautiful. loving wives or their stupid kids.

I have a frigid girlfriend who considers her dogs as her children. She is 28, mind you.

I work in the deepest part of the cesspit that is K-town.

If you want to be my friend, visit my myspace page or send me an e~mail. Mind that I know most of my friends in person.

First Post of 2009 CE

I don't really care about modernity, the fact that year changes. It's just a date on the calendar. I read almost exclusively about the far future in books, and my stories take place 9000 years from now.

Modern life is so much BS. Like on my NetZero start page, a story from time that Facebook is deleting any picture that has even the barest suggestion of a nipple in it.

WTF??? Nipples are a hallmark of a mammal. We all have them. It is not obscene or sexual unless you make it so.

I hate that sort of hypocrisy.

I don't care if a woman's nipples show. I think it is nice to look at, imo. It has happened to Jen before and while she won't let me look, she will let me touch and she has nothing to be ashamed of.

I am muddle headed. Something is wrong. I slept for 11 and a half hours last night. I wasn't even that tired.

I don't understand that. I am running really low on my celexa-clone and have only two left. I must save them for tomorrow. The pharmacy is closed. Why? Because of a date on the calendar? Give me a freakin break.

Why do I have to work if they don't?

I don't get it. Maybe something will happen to change the way we live. I hope Obama cracks down. but it's likely he won't because no one person can change this nonsense that is life today.

Happy New Year? Not hardly. It's the same old thing in the rural wasteland. See you at the wm tomorrow :P