Angry

I don't get truly angry much at all. My Celexa-clone keeps things cool. I really stopped being pissed off all the time when I was a teenager, because it left me with a stomach ulcer. When I get sick, which is often enough, I get the kind of sick that just does its best to annoy and hurt. Take this latest bout with prostatitis. I went to the doc yesterday and got yet another antibiotic. Bactrim. It seems to be working as I don't hurt as much down there today but mind that I did not pee much today.

What really inceses me is the situation about a hat I ordered. I so desparately need one to protect my head when working outside. It was sent on 23rd May. As of this writing, it has not come in. Mind that it was sent as Priority Mail. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! I am so angry at this total breakdown of things that should work right. I complained about the Post Office in my hometown because I suspect that my hat is in there and they have not delivered it.

I don't know why things like this happen to me. It can't be karma. I am a good boy. Nevermind that, really. Boys like me are rare.

I just don't know. I don't see Jen on these two days. That always hurts, you know.

Burn Inside and Out

I had to work today. No big deal. I work on every monday. People have no respect for the living on Memorial Day. None of my veteran family members perished in the wars they fought in, indeed not, I would not have been born if they had. I may not like my life but that is a sad thought to me.

I was outside despite the obvious evidence that I cannot tolerate sunlight. I actually hope I get heat exhaustion to show them.

My prostate hurts occaisonally. It hurts when I pee and that makes me worry that whatever is wrong down there has migrated down the urethra and affected my peeny.

I go to the urologist on wednesday. I will ask to be examined down there. I hate that feeling. Oh, my days off.

A brief respite that is much needed.

Oh, and I didn't do the m-thing because I am dehydrated. That actually hurts.

Heat

It isn't summer yet. But...

Grrrrr!!!! I just want to yell. I am a native Texan. I have been through summers that would kill any Northerner. Why is this one not yet begun already foisting its unpleasantries our way?

It could be the Doxycycline I take for a now gone Prostatic infection. I have other pains down there but I will tell the doc, no more antibiotics. If bacteria like me so, then let them have their way. It ain't like I use my genitals for anything other than peeing anyway. I could do that without a penis. Girls do all the time.

This is why Jen's refusal to even think about sex hurts me so. I never really valued my peeny much. It is only because I was cursed with the Y-Chromosome that I have one. If she won't value it, then why have it? I have failed as a male. There is no alternative. I will never betray my gender. I like being a boy for other reasons.

Today, I sweated like water was evactuating my body by pores. It was, so was sodium. I do not know if I can restore it because I don't eat a lot of salt. And the sports drink I prefer, Powerade fruit punch, isn't always easy to find. That is the story of my life. Disappointment.

My time at wm has been one huge ongoing one.

I actually don't like being negative. Not at all.

I am Arthelius the Ghost at the end of the day. I guess that is all that really matters. I feel like a ghost most of the time.

Burn

You see my picture on this blog. I am a pasty white guy. I have many freckles and I do not get much darker than say, vanilla pudding. I don't like that. I like uniformity in my pastiness. I mean, why should my arms, neck and head be a different shade than the rest of my still pasty body?

I received a severe sunburn on my nose over the course of two intolerably extreme UV+humidity days. It was like 95 degrees today, yeah, but the heat index was like 40 C.

40C is roughly 105F. It is my term for summertime here in the central lands of Tx. It has always been hot but not always ragingly humid. I burn so easy. People chide me about not wearing a hat. I am loathe to wear hats. I don't feel comfortable in them.

I have ordered one. Who knows when it will come? I was an idiot and sent it to the wrong address. I hope it isn't too late.

I am sick of that f-king store. Nothing but bad things have happend to me since I started there 2 years ago. I am coming to regret meeting Jen. I never wanted a girl that loved her brother and sister and Green Day more than she will ever love me.

Burn, UV-A and UV-B. The Sun is a star. Not the smallest by far and by even further not the biggest. It isn't just right. It is ever changing and intense. Doesn't make since that right now, the Earth is further from the Sun than it is the rest of the year thanks to its elliptical orbit.

I miss my overnight schedule. I could write more and enjoy myself. I have not stayed up overnight since I started at wm.

Even if no one cares, I write this. My goal in life is to understand. But also, it is good to be understood. At least. I think so.

Sleepy but Not...

Last night, my weather radio blared with its alarm twice overnight, waking me up to say there was a tornado in Bell County. I live 2 counties away from that ancient part of Texas. It doesn't do anything when such a warning is issued for here, in the rural wasteland, which is ever beautiful when I am away from it for so long. That is growing unbearable.

I am SICK AND TIRED of being ignored, talked down to, forgotten, and yelled at. I am 32 years old. I have worked at wm for 2 years. 2 years wasted of my pitiful life.

There was an intense t-storm here tonight. I had to delay going home in the hope that it would blow over. I drove through rain and water like you wouldn't believe. I bought some things I needed and gosh, if it didnt take a lot of my money.

I reiterate my wish to just crawl into my shell and forget all but my dear one. Jen, my sweet angel. Just seeing her today really helped me avoid a breakdown in anxiety that happened in the confusion of that cesspit, which is under construction in the GC.

I thought my job in Grocery was a waste of time. I was wrong. The GC is a HUGE waste of time. wm could save money by sending me home. The greed keeps them from that.

I do not care if they read this.

I am sleepy but not, probably because of the copoius amounts of Coca-Cola I drank this evening. I love that stuff. I'm signing off for the night, now. I need to rest.

See ya'll later.

More Worry

I had the ultrasound done today. It was a surreal experience. I can still feel it on my scrotal area. The nurse who did it was terse and quiet. I watched her and she kept cycling through images on that ultrasound machine, as if she had found something.

But she was no radiologist and it will take one to analyze those images. Then they will be submitted to Dr. E. I will call him on Thursday to see what's going on. My testicle does still hurt if ANY pressure is put on it. The right one by comparison is unfeeling.

I hate the fact that I have to work 6 days this week. Such are the conditions of things, I guess.

I am unexplainably sleepy and have been all right.

I did discover a good thing today. Arctic Chill flavor of Dentyne Ice was great. I will get more.

It never ceases to trouble me, the things that can happen.

Better (For Now)

I must admit, that my job in the GC is way less stressful than my old job in Grocery. Now that I use sun protection, I rather enjoy being outside but the need for gloves to protect my ever overused hands is intense and will be remedied when cash flow surges with the next paycheck.

I feel all right except the nagging and sometimes intense pain in my prostate area and the worry that this situation with my left testicle will turn out to be something horrible. I mean, whatever it is in there, it hurts to touch it and the testicle itself feels very much more sensitive than the normal, perfect right testicle. If I could post a pic of my scrotum, you could see the difference in them, but alas, pruditity reigns in this sad excuse for a society we live in.

This is not a sexual situation. Yes, sex organs are involved but those same sex organs are rarely considered except when I am bored or stimulated (which is random). I never feel that way at work or when with friends. With Jen.... I will not say.

I do feel better. I mean, the Celexa-clone saves me from the abyss. So what if I am dependent on it? It is not something that is about addiction. It is about preservation.

I will never be rid of my anxiety. It is a basic trait of my personality.

I may not have to do anything tomorrow. That will be nice. I do need to sleep more.

I'm better when I can be Arthelius. It's quite all right. Beats being the wm minion, which I am for most of the week.

Err... Suicidal

There was a schedule conflict. I was asked to help take my dad to the doc in a town kinda far away. I had my days switched around and had to give up my usual wednesday off.

Trouble is, wednesday is errand day for my family. Now my mom is even more upset than before.

My prostate started to hurt worse than it has in months despite the antibiotics. I was unable to complete the m-thing tonight.

It has dialed back to a numbing tingle inside. Peeing hurts, however.

I'm not getting better. My sun burns are peeling. Would that be considered dandruff? The top of my head was burned , ya know.

All this has created the crushing weight of shame and feeling stupid. It's my fault. Everything is my fault.

It is hard not to feel suicidal. I mean, nothing is good anymore.

I will go to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning. It is unlikely, however.

I have 58 Celexa-clone pills. What would happen if I took all of them at one time? I might get the rest my body and mind need.

But no, just one for now, the normal night dose. I shoulda took it earlier or I might not feel this way.

Unlikely though. Romeo Void is helping me now. That's good enough.

I will restart my Myspace blog. These dark feelings do not belong here, in Arthelius' blog.

Not Getting Better

I hate to admit this. I have lost faith in any future.

Bad things keep happening.

As my sunburned skin peels, leaving ugly flakes in my ever lustrous brown hair, I realize that I am a prime candidate for melanoma. But I don't even go outside in the sun when it can be avoided.

Then there is smoking. I have never done it and never will but my parents always have as does my sister. I have been exposed to it all my life. I don't like it and avoid it now if possible but the damage is already done if there is any. I will develop lung cancer as sure as if I had smoked and it's not my fault. One of life's cruelties.

Another is this prostatitis. What is causing it? If Cipro didn't get rid of it, why would Doxycyclin? I hate getting the DRE. I would rather have nothing put in my rectal area , thank you.

My grandfather (FE McL.) died of prostate cancer in the early 90's. I did inherit a lot of attributes from the McL (maternal) side of my family. Will I meet his fate, likely a lot sooner than he did? As the prostate makes itself known with a tingle of pain, I can only hope not.

I will discuss cancer the next time I go to the doctor. I believe I will develop some kind of cancer before I am 45.

Is this sexual health? What sex? Jen won't let me have hers though I promise myself to her.
All this grinds on my anxiety and it bites back. It says, 'shut down, man. I can't take this'. The Celexa-clone obliges.

No one understands this. Don't say you do.

You don't know the real me. The Artelius the Ghost me. The one sitting here, writing this.

That me at work is not me, but me wrapped in a shell of anxiety. It goes away when I leave Killeen.

What if something in the GC causes an illness in me? Working with pesticides and herbicides can't possibly be conducive to wellbeing.

I'm out in the Sun sometimes. The heat is taking a toll. If I collapse outside, it may be some dumb customer that finds me, not anyone in the wm.

I just want to hide away for a little while. I do get better after a few unstressful days.

That is not likely to happen.

See, things are not getting better.

Manic Feeling

I do get manic at times. This usually comes if I do not take my Celexa-clone. I have gone without it for 2 and a half days. This is the fault of the wm pharmacy I use. It was 'out' of it. How does a pharmacy run out of a such helpful and needed medication??

I am trying to write a story but I can't concentrate on it. I feel sleepy but I'm not sleepy.

I fear the upcoming days as it will be unrelentlessly sunny. UV streaming down and scorching the skins of pasty white people like me. I will simply go mad and get into the car and drive home without clocking out if I burn again in the sun.

I was unable to find a suitable hat to wear. I feel stupid wearing a hat. I have never had to wear a hat in any job I've had. Of course, I never worked outside like a common laborer. That means no disrepect to those who do agriculture or work on the highway. It's just I'm too stupid to do anything like that.

I wish I was Arthelius for real. He has no trouble getting love, or doing good, or being loved.

You don't see a message from my girlfriend on here. She never reads anything I write. That is hurtful and I tell her but she doesn't care. She doesn't care much about me at all. Why can't I just forget about her? I can't. If she doesn't love me, I love her.

It doesn't do much good.

My stupid body is in the general decline of life. I am 32 years old. While some say, "why, that's young..." It is not true. My prostatitis has taught me that I'm not much of a male at all.

Jen could change that. She won't even consider it.

It upsets me into thinking she doesn't love me. Is that wrong? Tell me, what relationship that is a year and four months old remains the same as it was when it began?

Mania does that to me. It is hard to get by on days like that. I just watch tv. That isn't good either.

I feel even more violated than I did when Dr. L did the DRE on me. Dr. E's DRE hurt a lot more. I don't fault Dr. E. He is older and more experienced than Dr. L. He is likely used to men who don't want a finger in their tail hole. I am like them. I DO NOT like it in the least.

And now, on Tuesday next, my rest day, I have to get a sonogram of my troublesome left testicle. What will that be like? Trust my peeny to embarrass me. It almost did with Dr. E.

This KY Yours and Mine thing. Grrrr. I first saw it in a display in the local Walgreens. Now tv commercials for it. If sex is such a basic part of human life, why does Jen seem oblivious to its benefits and resists any thought of it? And I thought I had problems. At least I do the m-thing and admit to it.

I'll be lucky if I don't hurt myself before the Celexa-clone reasserts its protection.

Painful Week

Naw, I don't care about Cinco de Mayo. I am a Texan and that has no meaning to me. (March 2nd anyone?) I hate/cannot eat Mexican food. My irascible stomach, abused by antibiotics and SSRI's can't take it. Never mind that they don't understand that. I hate peppers, and I always have. I hate the smell of them. But that was yesterday.

My time in the garden center has been one of confusion and pain, as I have gotten a severe sunburn on many parts of my head and neck. My cute face was spared by a frugal use of Cetaphil face lotion. I will use more in the future.

I just can't stand working there anymore.

The most ay ya moment came around 245 pm today when the urology doctor did another DRE on me. Gosh, I just don't understand how something so painful can be pleasurable to porn stars who do anal.

I must have a sonogram made of the troublesome left testicle also. That has yet to come but it may provoke an embarrassing reaction. I am not looking forward to that.

Even now my anal area hurts. TMI, I know but you can't understand until a doctor does that to you.

I do value this care, even if it is painful and I have to pay $$$ for it. It is sad that the urologist knows more about me than what passes for my normal doctor.

Ha ha, I have run out of the Celexa-clone. The neurological effects of not taking it should appear within a day the longer I do without it. It seems that my local wm pharmacy has run out of it. Great.

I shoulda went to Walgreen's.

Why all this bother about a genital system that doesn't get used for its intended purpose? Every day, I question my relationship with Jen. Religion is NO reason to keep one's virginity at 27. So what if she reads this?

I KNOW she has a sexual attraction to me. She just hides it unless I provoke her, which has been a few times. You just don't know, Jen, how that hurts me.

Not Good

I hate to say I didn't like it. I want to give it a chance but my experience today showed me, it was a mistake.

No 1. I dont know what the hell is going on and like people don't know either.

No. 2. I am dealing with plants I may be allergic to. I am picking up paving stones, tearing up hands that have enough problems on their own.

No. 3, I miss my friends already. They are why I stayed there.

I will talk to the she-demon about this but she will likely say to me, stow it. Like she cares.

I will leave that cesspit now. I have decided, it is in mental, emotional, and finacial interests that I should move to a wm closer to home.

Also, I am convinced that I am becoming more mentally ill. I need to see a psychologist or counselor.

Hopefully I can find a better way to deal with this ever deepening gulf of depression-anxiety than just the Celexa-clone. If not, I'd rather be committed as mentally ill.

Anxious

You know, I have a concern about my left testicle. Could be a normal thing. The ER doc seemed to think it was something but that was now a month ago. It is apparent when I wear briefs because it bulges out from the side of the normal bulge made by my peeny. That roils my anxiety somewhat. I have trouble peeing sometimes. That could be because I am pee shy. I go to the doc on 6th May so I will ask him. That will be another anxiety twisting moment. I don't like being naked in the prescence of another male. I don't care what the reason. I just don't like being that close to another male. That of course, may be entirely natural. I don't feel that way around any female.

Oh, and what is twisting the anxiety now? Tomorrow, I go to the Garden Center. I must use sunscreen. I will use Aveeno products if possible. They seem to work best for me. It might be hard work, but I don't mind that. I no longer work for the demon c*nt but some managers over there are creepy and unfriendly. I don't mind that either, as long as they stay off my case. I don't ever mind working for a male manager. He isn't so fiercely determined to prove himself.

Female managers who are sacrifice their feminine charm. They become salacious harlots who don't care about anyone. A female manager who is comfortable with herself is a good manager. That's true of anyone.

I will write a post tomorrow evening to tell ya'll how it went.

I am still a Safety Team member. I am a good associate. It goes unrecognized in a wm where no one succeeds by their own hard work.

No more about work.

I am more liable to write about the m-thing than that. Pray I don't.

LOL! :)