Anxiety Says

What do I think I when I see on tv, the people fighting over a new tv or other crap on sale? I worked in walmart for exactly 4 years and 1 day and I saw this so-called 'Black Friday' effect in action.

Like animals, the herd moves forward, crushing others and everything else in the way just to get a new tv or some other thing they could afford to get if they just were smart about their budget.

I am deeply distrustful of item on sale with discounts exceeding 50%. My many years in retail tell me that such discounts only mean that the store wants to get rid of it.

Why? Overstock? A glut of cheap Chinese-made crap? What is the targeted group for what is on sale? A new tv? What's wrong with yours?

I needed a new tv last year, mine finally perished with age and use. I went out and got an led hdtv for about $160. And this was in April, not in November. I budgeted for a new tv.

Selling them at huge discounts should be taken as something to be considerate of. It isn't going to be a top of the line Sony or Samsung tv.

I am not saying stuff on sale is bad. That is always a good thing but why are these stores so dependent on one day to have such a sale?

I would not dare to enter the herd frenzy to buy anything. Not that I have any money this time of the month but provoking my anxiety disorder for 'on sale' items is not worth it.

I order online so I don't have to go to the store. I feel panic in a store, I actually peed on myself when in walmart last. Didn't realize it until I got in the truck.

I have the prostate thing, yes, but how much of this was anxiety? It is the stress of anxiety disorder that damaged my prostate.

I can't go anywhere, do what I want. Even when I have money, I can go to my hometown where anxiety isn't so bad. But I am from a small town (less than 7k people, less so when I was a kid) and it is familiar.

Some things have changed but overall, it's not bad.

Peeing on myself happens when I have retention, I am panicked, or when I really have to go. I can't hold it very long but I usually don't let that happen. I pee much too often.

I remember a teacher when I was in high school who had that happen to him. Everyone made fun of him but I have empathy and always have. I wanted to know why that happened. Now I know.

I won't consciously soil myself. I don't like to be dirty, ever.

Going to the store is the hardest thing I do on a frequent basis, like every month. I try not to let my anxiety show. I have lived with it for many years now.

Getting trampled for something on sale....

I just don't understand it. I hope these holiday sales are abysmal and teach these stores a lesson.

Unchecked greed has consequences.

Thanksgiving

Flashback to the mid 80s when I was in elementary school. Thanksgiving was a fun time of parties, certain foods, being thankful for what you had. Friends and family.

What happened to that? 'Black Friday'. Greedy stores open on what should be a holiday of friends and family expressing thanks for what they have.

I am thankful that my anxiety disorder hasn't killed me yet. I am thankful for my mom. I am thankful for my music and the ability to write.

But I do not recognize the commercialization of this family holiday that is more about football, food, and seeing people you haven't in a while.

What will I do today? The same thing I do every day. I attempt to write, listen to music, play FFIX if I maintain an interest, it does bore sometimes.

I only recognize the meaning of this day, not the crass rotten capitalist greed that these stores make it out to be. I will not be feeding the greed. Not that I have money at this time of the month. When I do have money, nothing will be on sale! Typical.

If I could flashback to the mid 80s, I would. No web, no Ar-Ghost, nothing but love.

Shaving Hurts

I have written a lot about I hate being male. One of the things I hate most is body hair. Androgenic hair. One of the worst places is on the face.

I can shave other parts with my Bodygroom razor which is easier and hurts less. Cannot use it on face nor would I want to.

I use Aveeno products and I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. It may be time for a new one that doesn't hurt so bad.

I shave every Tuesday. The idea is to focus and people to leave me alone. That is true much of the time but especially here.

Why does it hurt? One is dragging sharp pieces of metal across the face. Why would you think it doesn't hurt? I think of girls who shave their armpits, legs, sometimes the private area. Is this not as painful?

Have no way of knowing.

All I know is that as long as I grow androgenic hair, I will shave it off. Maybe in the future, they can depilate hair with light instead of a sharp piece of metal.

Not that I could afford such a thing. Here is my shave check picture...

Still cute at 39? I hope so.

MeUndies

I have been a subscriber of MeUndies for more than a year. It abruptly ended a few weeks ago when the start-up company changed its subscription plan to ? I still don't know what changed or how much it costs.

Does it still cost $16? I mean, I can get C-IN2 Core Profile briefs (My favorite underwear) for $16 as well.

I want to help small businesses when possible. So what if it is in California and not Texas? If the product is good, keep it going.

I can't describe it better than showing you a picture. It is feeling and I don't want to get too tmi here.

I will stay with MeUndies if it does not price itself out of my budget, which is my fear.

I have black, purple, yellow, patterns, and 'love-me' briefs. I wear the black most often. Depends on color matching in my clothes.

Here is the picture.

If I lost weight, I know I would look better. I am not fat but this belly.....

Feeling

I don't know what you are looking for here. Why read what I post? I reflect on my pain.

I had a dia-icky event yesterday and it was quite painful and particularly nasty. Dia-icky like that is not funny and was easy to wash away as I usually do. I do not use tp ever. I spray my tail end in the bathtub. It isn't as gross as it sounds.

I know there is too much sugar in my diet. I need it, feel miserable without it. It is why I have a belly, I know. That and not being very active.

This can be a bad thing. I am not as strong as I once was. I am older now and like the Spanish teacher in 11th Grade said, 'if you don't use it, you will lose it'. The same is true of your muscles.

I vaguely remember high school. It ended 20 years ago for me and my class, many of whom are my fb friends.

My memory is like an old computer memory that's full. Some is given up to make space for the new. If aging damages this like happens so often, I don't know what will happen.

I will age in an era of the 'singularity' if some people are to be believed. I read about things in Scientific American and wonder if they ever will be relevant in my life.

Probably not. I am mentally sick with anxiety disorder and agoraphobia and am on disability
because of it.

I will probably hide in my shell as I do now.

Ghostlike.

One Away from 40

I am getting older. I made it to 39. I never imagined being this old.

Am I starting to show signs of age? Well, my body problems come from stress and being sedentary. I am relatively healthy but I have teeth problems from the sugar death, and then that constant pain in my uro-g area and the ordeal of peeing.

I have either become sick or my allergies have revved up. I do not feel well at all.

I am trying to write a story. I haven't really written since October.

I hope I can enjoy my cake and I will feel better soon.

I said I would retire this blog but that is a lot of trouble. What do you think?

Worry

I am considering retiring this blog. It covers a bad time in my life and things I would like to forget (my time at wm and Jen, especially).

Someone in Russia is spamming my blog.  I don't like Russians. They were the bad guys when I was a kid. That hasn't changed, apparently.

I would continue talking about my anxiety, underwear, the weather, astronomy and daily life in a new blog.

My worry is who actually looks at my blog. I don't want to feel anxiety about it. Ruffling my anxiety feathers is not something you need to do, not if you are a decent human being.

I will retire it soon. Whether I stay at Blogger or not, I have not decided.

If you do care, submit a comment. If you don't see the comment blank, click on an archive post and you'll see it.

Arthelius the Ghost is off on holiday with Marraka. They are visiting M83, immune to the radiation there. They won't be back for some time.

Effects of the Cold

How does cold affect me?

Understand that I wear sweat pants most of the time. Jeans, especially grind on my male pain. A thin fleece fabric layer doesn't really insulate when it is 31 and the wind is blowing from the north.

I don't know if legs are responsible for the chill I feel. I mean, yes, my male parts retract like any guy's would but that isn't going to make the entire body feel cold.

My hands and feet get numb. It is difficult to type this. It is 40 outside but consider 40ish is what it is in your refrigerator if it is working properly.

I have mentioned a while ago that the floor is damaged in here. Lets the cold through like a ghostly specter, not the good kind.

The heater keeps it at bay but takes a while to warm the whole room and gets up to 73. *scoff

I feel most comfortable when it is in the 80s.

I have been having joint pains in my fingers, shoulders, ankles and knees. The most troublesome hip pain I get sometimes has been calm but I reckon if I got up and did stuff instead of sitting on my bony tail-end, they would hurt, too.

It isn't a pain like old people get. It is a light dusting of pain that doesn't hurt constantly. It just hurts weakly then fades with movement or readjusting.

I did not feel this so much when it was warm. I hope it gets warm again soon but look at the time of year this is. Last January, that water pipe fiasco happened. It was 17 outside at night.

It has not been cold like that and God willing, it won't be. This is Tx, not some northern state used to such weather. We are not.

I hate the cold more than most things. It's down there with mosquitoes and flies, things I hate most.

Cold, but....

This cold, I hate it. My hands are frozen, it seems. I hold them in front of the heater and dry my skin out. It is Tuesday. That means I shave. I did and was careful. I have a few blemishes but it will heal.

I always look better the next day. I smile because over my life, it has been ingrained to smile when your picture is taken. Even my un-cute DL picture.

I got some shaving cream on my glasses. I think I got it all. I can't see without them.

Before all this, I washed my face with Cetaphil. That helps when skin is dry enough to flake off, a problem I had when I worked at wm.

Cetaphil costs a lot of money so I will conserve it until I can get some more.

I use Dove Sensitive on my face during the winter time. Make fun if you must but unless you are cursed with dry skin, you wouldn't know what helps.

It was cold but I did it. Here is my Shave Check picture.

Unwelcome Cold

That fucking tropical storm, I forgot to look for a picture of it. I think it was called 'Nuri' or something like it.

It distorted the jet stream and let loose the bitter cold of the polar airmass flow down into the middle of North America weeks too early.

We were not spared. Where it was 80 yesterday, it is 48 as I write this in the afternoon.

That is the thing about tropical storms, they affect everything.

Hurricane Season ends at the end of the month. It is still likely, well, if environment is conducive for it.

I will be cold for a while. I have turned on my heater for the first time since last April.

I have to shave later, smh. Can't let it go on too long, becomes hard to shave it. I will man up and do it.

Too bad I can't post a picture of my peena when I am cold. I think it is funny as it retracts like that. Okay, no more goofiness.

I'm cold!

A Genuine Fear

My cousin says it is not bad if I remain single and have no children in my life. I am sure she is not the only one with this opinion.

However, is this why I have a benefit for my anxiety? That I can't have a normal life because of it? I can't. I told you about attention. I don't like it, it makes me uncomfortable.

I do not like using a phone. I have a LG Neon, a phone made to text, not a smartphone with a bunch of stupid applications. I would rather text, I can say it in writing better.

I don't know. I fear that it will end without anything. I don't know if I could have children.

This is not just because of anxiety. I could, after some familiarity, be with a female. Or through anti-anxiety med, it is possible but that has side-effects, especially in the sex department.

My prostate gland is stress damaged. My parts still work but the pain is ever-present. I do not know if my seminal fluid is viable. Why wouldn't it be? I don't recall it ever being tested. If I ever return to urology, I will ask.

I worry that I will be alone in my elder life. I will have the internet, whatever form it takes then, but that isn't the same.

What is the point in having an elder life if one did not contribute? That is my fear.

I have a hope that I will meet a new girlfriend some time. It is just that, I wouldn't come out of my shell for just anyone.

I don't want to be alone in my elder life.

Ugly?

I have often wondered why no girls seem interested in me. I don't mean if we didn't have daily contact like at work (how I met Jen and Malee). I mean going somewhere, like to the store. I feel smaller than I am, inconsequential. This is my anxiety disorder distorting my self-image.

I am 64.7 inches tall. I weigh about 156 lbs. Yes, I could slim down a bit but I am almost 40 so what's the point?

I feel ugly. I don't like attention. I feel uncomfortable when someone looks at me. It makes it uncomfortable to talk to people.

Girls, their attention is the worst. I find myself avoiding them if possible. This is contrary to what I want. How can I meet a new girlfriend if this happens?

I find a strong attraction to a girl's eyes. Her face. I don't like every girl like that but there are some that are beautiful. Every girl has a beauty about her, make no mistake, it isn't always physical.

I feel ugly, just small and hideous like a gnome. I don't have warty green skin. I am pale and built like a human male. I used to believe I would change that one day but I saw my pelvis on a CT scan and nope, can't change that and be what I am not.

I would like my parts removed but it will likely never happen. Too much trouble and why get cut on if you can avoid it?

I am posting a picture of me to show maybe I am ugly. I certainly feel that way.

Irritated

Why?

Could be you who reads this.

I have not been feeling well. It has to do with the sugar death, bad diet, anxiety. I am having allergy problems. Sneezing hurts, you know.

That power outage really pissed me off. I felt revved up anxiety the whole time. It did not help that it was cold and my laptop's battery was going down quicker than the ones in my power hungry camera.

The sky was partly clear today but I didn't go outside except to feed the dog. I haven't felt sun on my skin in a week. Could this be why I feel bad? Vitamin D and all that? I avoid sunlight, I burn too easy but on a cool or cold day, it isn't so bad, if you are careful.

You can burn just as easy. UV radiation doesn't care what temperature it is. You have seen enough pictures of me, you know how pale I am.

I am not posting this week's shave check picture. I will the next one. I am hoping to see 'Interstellar' after my Tuesday shave if I don't butcher my skin too badly.

It is almost time to shave body but I seem to have misplaced the charger for the Bodygroom razor. I need to find it.

My birthday is in a couple of weeks. Another year went by and blah... I hope my 38th summer will be what I wanted this last one to be.

My holiday wish? A girlfriend.

Power Outage

The power is out, keeps flickering as if trying to come back on. I am super bored, draining my laptop's battery to write this.

I had a sad day. I took out a lot of garbage, 5 bags full, and then went and got my hair cut. I don't know how good it looks. I washed my hair a bit ago but I can't take a picture because in the dark, the flash reflects off my pasty white skin, overwhelming the optic sensor.

I don't think I look good anyway. I will do it later when I feel up to it. I don't right now.

The power was off between 10:55 pm and 2:23 am, which is the main part of my 'day'. I sat here in the dark, listening to my cd player and all but drained the battery of my laptop.

The power outage also caused a malfunction in my directv box but an automated fix repaired it. Stupid thing's too smart.

I was feeling super bored because I couldn't write. It was the fact that I use this pc to write mainly and without power, it is a lump with peripherals.

After it came back on, I did as I originally planned, started reading 'A Darker Geometry', a story within the 'Man-Kzin Wars, Volume VII' book. I originally read this series like 15 years ago and it is familiar but I have forgotten a lot of things.

I have most of the series, if not all of it. I haven't read the later parts of it, feeling that I should read Volume IX first and I only recently found it.

I like that story and that story 'Cathouse' way back in Volume II.

I haven't been able to go to a bookstore to find a new book that appeals to me. Getting it online is not the same.

Stupid, just stupid. I don't know why the power failed. It has been rainy but not storming. The sky is totally gray and it continues to rain lightly, nothing that would perturb the threadbare power system, surely.

15 years ago, when we first came here, an apparent power failure for no perceptible reason happened in February and killed all the fish in my aquarium. I haven't had one since because of things like what happened.

There is an article in this month's issue of Scientific American about power independence. If only we could do that.
Fat lot of good solar panels would do us on a day like today.

I am sorry if I had done some things with my blog to affect it. I was bored. I will fix it.

I listened to The Sisters of Mercy' during the outage on my cd player. 'Vision Thing' was playing when it came back on, how appropriate.

I will attempt to write a story if this doesn't happen again.

Finally

My laundry is done. I feel a lot better but there is something wrong. I know I shouldn't drink Coca-Cola, something in it irritates my prostate gland, which doesn't need irritation to hurt.

I went without caffeine and sugar for 2 days. I was feeling it badly. So I thought, a 1-liter Coke would help restore what is bad but I need it. I do like Coke but it is bad for me.

I do feel better like that but now I hurt more than normal. It is agony to pee. I need to do the m-thing to clear things like Dr. H said but I can't this time of day.

Have no privacy and really, I am used to doing that at night. Makes a mess, too.

I can talk about this because I am not shy like that.

Not that you need to know that. I will not talk about it.

I will make December better. I will try to get a new phone and some things I couldn't get this month. $345 in wm?! Seriously? I felt anxiety close in like a vise but it was the normal items with holiday items like cake mix and etc...

I cannot sustain this high cost of food. I wish I was really a ghost and wouldn't need any.

Arthelius doesn't have these problems. He has a Wookie girlfriend and a cool spacecraft. What do I have?

Smh....