Mortality

I turned 44. I had an average day but it has been colored by when I had a stomach-diarrhea illness for a few days caused by pizza cheese and my lactose intolerance. 

Note not all pizzas harm me. I can tolerate those from Pizza Hut and I will try Little Caesar's soon. Though pizzas are hardly good eating and eating is one thing I think about more as I get older. 

A lifetime of processed food, the damage, if there is any, has already been done. 

I hadn't really thought about my own mortality. I do have hypertension but I take my medications. 

Then earlier in the year, a woman I had known from early childhood died being nearly a year younger than I am. 

That has bothered me since. I know what we choose to eat is important but it is dictated by what I can afford. Usually nothing good. 

This day was typical but I am reminded of how one can be forgotten in the meaninglessness of their own lives. Yes, I said meaningless because most humans are. 

We should have stayed apes. 

I am okay. I don't have any pains worth mention. I do have low energy but this was because I haven't eaten much since being sick like that. I wear MeUndies. I do not want to soil them so I didn't wear them, no C-In2 for that. 

As the usual decline in food, prevented by choices in frozen food and vegetables, goes on to the end of the month, typically a spare and uncomfortable time. 

All I can say is thank goodness for Aldi. 

But if we understand, this modern life of ours is unsustainable. I see this in the very few times I go somewhere.

I mainly just sit here. (I also stand a lot)

So the anniversary of a Wednesday in the mid 70's really only means one more step to mortality. 

Hurting Still

I was in a bad environment down under the house. It was wet because when the pipe disconnected, a torrent of water surged out of it until the master valve of the water system was turned off. This is actually under my bedroom window on the north side of the house.

I did this immediately after learning this was happening. If I had not gone into the kitchen then, I would have never known.

I don't like going down there. It is awful. The water was warmer than the air. It was steamy and cold.

I took off my sweat pants to keep from fouling them. I went down there and searched for the problem, found it, took a picture and came back up to tell my dad.

It was going back to fix it that the floor gave way under me. I fell and my booty got badly scratched. My hip was hurt. Curiously, I was not otherwise hurt.

My right leg and hip hurt. It hurts when I flex my hip like sitting down or walking. Standing still doesn't hurt. That's strange but my hips hurt on occasion by themselves.

This will persist for a while. I wish it hadn't happened. I removed the content warning because really, I am not showing anything inappropriate. I just have an injury in an embarrassing area.

It is time to talk about other stuff here. I will move on and not talk about how I hurt so.

Contribution

As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.

I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.

I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.

It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.

Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.

Something had to come before.

Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.

Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.

I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.

This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.

I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.

No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.

She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.

Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.

I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.

I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.

I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.

Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.

I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.

That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.

If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.

If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.

Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.

$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.

I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.

If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.

Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.

Policy

I built a government. In my stories, the primary characters serve in a space navy. Who runs this navy? The government, of course.

It is a Commonwealth, it has 102 member states. It has well over 30 trillion citizens.

Each citizen is guaranteed health care. Guaranteed basic living rights, that is to say there is a place for everyone. They can do pretty much what they want.

However, the Commonwealth does not tolerate drug use or alcohol consumption. Both were made illegal in the now distant past and what happens now is people do not miss what they never had. The use of fossil fuels is illegal, largely because of stringent environmental regulations. This directly led to breakthroughs in energy production and distribution.

The Commonwealth is represented by a senator from each state. All but four states have their own governors. These governors elect the head of state when the need arises.

The head of state, the Coordinator, is not like any political office now. The Coordinator has almost autocratic power, almost but not quite. The Coordinator must be female, because under the constitution written a decade after the fall of a misogynist empire, it became an issue of equality. This law has never changed. The Commonwealth has always and will always have a female ruler.

She can be overridden by the senate, even voted out of office. There is no term limit for Coordinator.

It is an incredibly hard job. Not just any female can be Coordinator. A pool exists for future candidates. They have to have a requisite education and preferably political experience. The Coordinator is the face of the Commonwealth.

I originally established this because in 12th Grade Government Class now 18 years ago, I remember understanding how the electoral college works. I don't. I know the popular vote does not count. As such, no citizen votes for a Coordinator. It is an important decision.

The Commonwealth government is small compared to the country it governs. There are ministries of State, Culture, Health, Justice, Science and Technology, and Environments. Of these, the Health Ministry has the most influence.

The military is not controlled by any one political office. It is directly governed by the office of the Coordinator. She has the last word on involvement in conflicts.

The Commonwealth is featured in a lot of my stories. Many who work for it bemoan the fact that pay is minuscule.

What contentious issues does it have? Health care distribution, aid to member states suffering internal conflicts, and immigration. The most populated states have a lower quality of service than lightly populated ones. A revolt on the most populated world caused a battle and loss of most populated status. That world now has had its Commonwealth charter suspended. The military has blockaded it. Aid is sent by this blockade.

The Commonwealth government owns just two cities in the whole nation. One, Elsha, is an immigration/health portal as well as where the Commonwealth's orphanages area. There have been a lot of displaced children in modern conflicts.

The other city, never written about, is Mana Ti, where advanced science, federal projects and services take place.

Goverment services:

ComNet, the communication/tv medium. Every citizen can access ComNet though when it isn't showing news or educational programs, it tends to show graphic sex. This is popular actually.

Hypercomm, the faster-than-light communication system standard in the galaxy.

Assistance, people who have no job are helped in finding one, guaranteed. There is no welfare as we know it on the federal level. The member states can do that but only a handful do.

My own politics are centrist. I do not ascribe to any extreme position. I despise conservatism. Though when you write about a big nation, you understand that people have a myriad of views. I do not inject my beliefs on my stories consciously.

If you are interested, I can answer ANY question about the Commonwealth. It is that detailed.

It won't last, you know, with that revolt, things are changing. Foreign intervention and all that.

I like to talk about things I have written.

Cold

Do you like cold? I do not. Not at all.

Cold hurts me. I have poor circulation, particularly in my feet. My feet get so cold, you would think I was dead. I like to be warm.

Ha ha, last night, it was 57 in here when I took a bath and I got an erection when I sat in the hot water. That is how my body reacts to sudden temperature change. It was worse when I was younger but now, either that or direct stimulation can cause excitement in me.

It is cold right now, my fingers are numb. It snowed a little today but I want you to see this.

From the National Weather Service www.weather.gov

Overnight: Rain likely. Cloudy, with a low around 36. East southeast wind between 5 and 10 mph. Chance of precipitation is 70%.

Monday: Rain likely and possibly a thunderstorm before noon, then a slight chance of rain and thunderstorms after noon. Cloudy, then gradually becoming mostly sunny, with a high near 59. East wind 5 to 15 mph becoming west southwest. Winds could gust as high as 20 mph. Chance of precipitation is 60%.

Monday Night: Mostly clear, with a low around 44. West southwest wind between 5 and 10 mph.

Tuesday: Mostly sunny, with a high near 70. Calm wind becoming southeast between 5 and 10 mph.

Now consider that it is 34 as I write this.

My house has no central heat. The unit is broken and we cannot afford to get it repaired. The heaters here are turned off at night for whatever inane reason. I do not want to invite wrath by turning them on.

I freeze on nights like this.

Ever since I left wm, I wear sweatpants all day unless I rarely leave the house. They do nothing about keeping me warm. The cold spreads up my legs and to my maleness. That is quite unpleasant.

I hate the cold.

I know people who like it. Oh? Sit in my chair in here when it is 57 inside. My desk thermometer says right now 64 degrees, 16% relative humidity.

Wouldn't you know that I am cursed with dry skin as well? Everything gets dry, even my maleness. I do not use lotion unless it gets really bad.

When I worked in the store, I have worked for 4 different stores in my 17 year work era, handling cardboard dried my hands out something fierce. Now it isn't so bad that I don't do that now but I will return to a store one of these days because it is basically all I know how to do and will likely have the same problem. I am older now, however.

Ever see your pee steam as it leaves you? It is not cool. So cold. Your body temperature is 98 degrees or so.

I wish I could live somewhere with climate control but as it is, I can't go anywhere. I have no money. No job. I wish I could have a girlfriend I could stay with. I couldn't with Jen and her freaking dogs. I hate dogs. I am cat person.

As the forecast says, it won't be cold for long. Good. I could not take this for much longer.

It makes me wonder that when I am dead, will my body be cold faster? It is not yet time to test that. I am not suicidal feeling now, but that is a specter that looms over me as my feelings get the better of me sometimes.

When I feel suicidal, I listen to music, I try to write on my stories. I might go outside or cut myself to dissuade the feeling. I get that way in holidays, but strangely, Valentine's Day isn't affecting me when usually it reminds me of something I do not have, love.

I am feeling better.

I was woke up earlier when the snow was falling. It looked like a dreamscape. I did not like it but my friends on FB say it was so pretty.

Yea, pretty like perishing in the snow as Captain Scott and his party did in 1912.

Cold is not pretty.