Shame

How much do you know about me? If you read this blog, you know that I have some problems, some big ones.

The truth is that I never left home. I couldn't. Number one, I can't exactly deal if I have nowhere to hide from the things that cause me anxiety. Being my myself in an unfamiliar location would cause like a tetra-disaster panic attack.

Number 2, I never really made a lot of money. I am an old grocery stocker. I was content to do this but for one reason or another, it did not last more than 10 years (mainly because the store closed).

Number three, I worry about my mom a lot. Given the verbally abusiveness of my father, who would be here to keep the peace? Who would do the chores for them? They wouldn't. I do anything for my my mom, it seems only right.

However, I am 36 years old now. I am childless, never have been in a serious loving relationship. Sex is NOT love. It is BIOLOGY.

I have a sedate life. I write stories. I listen to music. I keep to myself because I don't like being a bother. I do like to talk to interested people but such things do not occur around here.

I don't want to cost money but I do, a lot of it. Why is this? Why should it cost money to live? What benefit would come if I did not live? This question loops in my mind occasionally.

I am not well. I have a debilitating condition. You don't know how bad anxiety order is until it is pushed to far. Things I do when it is pushed too far? I tremble, my heart pounds, I sweat. I cut myself. I cry. I am sorely tempted (when I have it) to overdose on my med. Go to sleep forever. I close in, become super avoidant. People mistake this for 'bitchiness' 'feminization' or 'weakness'. It is NOT. I don't want to be pushed over that edge. It is so easy to do, to fall into that trap.

This shame is strong enough to cause suicidal feelings on its own. I will never get better. I will always have anxiety issues, my prostate gland is stress-damaged, it will be sick in the future.

What future? Will it be any different from right now? This worries me a great deal.

Leaving home would be good, for them, though I doubt that, but not for me. I am a failure as a human male.

I wish I never was.

I won't sully my blog with things like this. If you want to know the real story, you can e~mail me.

I am an individual with a personal pain. I am not like you or anyone else. I will focus on something else, then wait until conditions are right (my dad takes a nap) to do some chores.

You may think this is uncool, that I am a loser. No, friend, you are a loser for not knowing the whole story before you pass judgment. I am going to need help to get better, to live on my own. I can't do this on my own.

Trouble Writing

I have written for most of my life. I write around a certain group of characters or interconnected plots. Like the story I am working on now, 'Kehla', is directly connected to three other stories, beginning with one of the main serial characters. That is how I write, connections. It is all one big story-world.

However, recently, I have had trouble with the will to write. I do not know what caused it, nor can I will that feeling away. I am getting it back, writing more every day.

However, the verbal abuse upsets me so bad, I cannot write. I cannot write when I am upset. I can't just calm down, I have a loop in my anxiety disorder's depressive stage, and it tightens when I am upset. I can't 'not' feel upset. I am too sensitive. Threatening me is one way to upset me.

I am not a bad person. I don't cause drama. I don't even go outside. What is the deal? I have faith that it won't always be this way. If I lose this faith, I could very well lose the will to live.

That is not talk. It is how I feel. I am afraid of getting older, and of the future. I know I will get sick either by prostate trouble or 2nd hand smoke, which has been around my whole life. Then whatever is written in my DNA, could be cancer, lupus, RA, anything my recent ancestors had.

Things have to change, I know this. I don't adapt to change well, so it isn't something to do lightly.

I do not know what went wrong in my life. I am trying hard not to feel suicidal but it is tough, you know.

I really wish I was a ghost like Arthelius. No one could hurt me then.

Beloved Texas

I am a Texan. I am a 4th Generation Texan. I was born in the same town I grew up in. It will always be my home.

People make fun of Texas for different reasons, the way people talk, or the gaudy proportions of meal servings, or even the embarrassment of the Cowboys recent seasons.

However, when it comes to politics, understand something. Not every one in Texas is Republican. I know many who are not. Myself included. I did not vote for 'Pointy Boots' as Jeff Ward calls him, Rick Perry. I have known for years what an idiot he is. Just like his mentor, old Dubya himself, the king of idiots.

I have never been out of Texas. I wouldn't travel if I had the money because quite frankly, it is better here than where you are.

There are parts of Tx I do not like, like Killeen, but Killeen is a parasite city not representative of Tx because most of the people who live there are not from Tx.

We are nice people. We like to help others, and courtesy comes natural to us. Recent events may not agree with that but consider where they happened.

Remember next time you speak badly of Texas, you are offending people like me who love it. It is my home.

Power Failure

X-post from my old blog at Diary Land.

8:53 p.m. - 15 March 2004
power failure
About electricity.

Do you know how much our lives depend on it? How it comforts us and keeps us safe and occupied?

When it goes out, it's never a good thing. My power went out for 2 hours and came back on just 20 minutes ago.

Sitting here in the dark, listening to Massive Attack is cool but I'd rather much be on the net at the same time.

The power company is incompetent. They take forever to find and fix the problem. Of course, this is Tx, we don't have blackouts or anything like that here. This was no doubt weather related.

I hope your power is on and you all are doing good. Mine is now and I'm doing much better than I was an hour ago :)

Now consider that just a few moments ago, the power came back on after being out for nearly three hours. That has not happened since that blog post was written way back.

I was writing on a story when the power went out. Timed backup saved a lot, thanks Corel.

The USA has a threadbare power system. If companies pulled their heads out of their greed mammon seeking asses, they would invest in improving infrastructure.

A simple thunderstorm caused this. What would a tornado or solar flare do? Good thing I still have a cd walkman.

I will be okay now. I was very upset. I actually went outside for a bit, not pleasant since it was and still is 47 out there. I need to talk to someone. I will look online, I guess.

Childfree

I am childfree. This is not because I have a stringent belief in not having children. It is because I have have never had a job that payed a lot. I don't have a job now. Not only that, I have a stress disorder, how would the constant worry and stress affect me? Negatively. It would only take a little push to throw me over the edge of the suicide cliff.

Not only that, I have recurrent non-bacterial prostatitis. My prostate gland swells and shrinks making always painful to pee, sometimes hard to pee. But the other function of the male apparatus works like it should, though doubles pain if used for a while, like in sex.

It is a pain I am used to. I have had this for four years now. As I get older, I fear greatly future prostate troubles.

I could have a child still, biologically. But, I cant support myself let alone another life. It would be a tragic disservice to that child if I could not take care of him/her.

Of course, that goes onto the topic of a willing female who has a heavier investment in such a thing. I have lost the hope of finding a loving girlfriend.

I just sit here and don't think about it any more.

Recurrent Sadness

I am usually sad when I wake up every day. I do not know why, but it could be a transitive thing between dreams and reality. I hate reality. It is nothing but pain and stress. People say, 'that is life' but is it? Did we humans develop the curse of sentience because of pain and stress?

No, too much of what people believe is BS. Try studying Atenism sometime. If Akhenaten was able to foist his beliefs onto the people, it can be an analogy with modern conservatism. Only part of the Aten, the Sun providing life, is true, what in Conservatism is?

I saw someone on tv describe what is happening in now in the ridiculous Republican struggle for the nomination as a 'carnival'. I think it is more like a black hole sucking in money, tv time, good sense, effort, and desire to do anything truly good.

I don't hate anyone but I strongly dislike. I dislike conservatives but opinions can change.

I am not liberal. I am moderate. I like to agree. I don't like extremism of any kind.

Way off topic there, sorry.

I am sad because I have cyclical depression. It is caused by my anxiety disorder. Stress is a motivator and there was stress yesterday. Maybe not so today but the day is young as I write this.

Compounded with my prostate pain, this is how things will likely be for the rest of my life.

Remember, it is my choice when it ends.

Arthelius says, "It is the emotional blade that hurts most." Right on, brother.

Why I Wont Have Anything by Apple

A long time ago, when I was in school, the pc was sorta in its early days. I am a child of the 80's, you know. During the school years, occasionally, I would encounter a McIntosh computer. It was small, with a weird screen, and incomprehensible. Not to mention the bloated cost of the things.

That is where I learned of the word 'proprietary'. Not propriety is fine if you are Nintendo or Sony, for the format of the consoles they make is unique to them. Should a computer be this way?

Now I know Mac now has some commonality with Windows but this I-phone, I-pad, I-whatever else, it's all proprietary. My music is in the WMP format. I never got to buy an Mp3 player before I became unemployed. But then, I never go anywhere so why would I need to take my music with me?

I hate proprietary things. There should be one device that runs everything. This may be lack of competition, but competition is harming our country now with the debacle of this election season and the worse debacle of the US congress.

I don't need anything by Apple. I never will get anything by Apple. Take your proprietary bs and piss off.

Enmity

I have spoken of my dad before. Remember, he was brain damaged by a stroke. Nothing he says can be taken seriously.

However, he says that he does not mind if I commit suicide. Well then, what is stopping me exactly? A belief? I believe in Jesus, the promise of salvation. But I also believe in Deism, that God does not directly interfere with human life.

You can say wrath was visited on those communities ravaged by those tornadoes. Wrath or a confluence of atmospheric currents, temperature, and water vapor?

Why create something just to destroy it later, I mean the soul. We have souls. It is what makes us human. You may not feel it but you know it's there.

What would happen to mine if I killed myself? Oblivion? I don't want to show that I was not strong enough to deal with life. It takes courage to not do it when the pain rages like the surface of the sun.

What my dad says garners enmity. I don't hate him, he is my father, but in the broken mind he has, he has become a big bully, that is all.

I won't let the pain win. I need help, yes, but you need money for that and I don't have any. It is sad that I have a life-threatening pain and need money to help heal it. Where is the compassion of the human soul? It is openly shared in some people, not at all in others. Money, that is why I hate it, it is soul-corrupting.

Human beings could be extinct before we could ever agree to do away with money.

Fascination

I shouldn't be online, I am over on my internet allotment for the month. Oh well.

What fascinates you?

For me, the stars, the study of the Universe, a beautiful woman, Ancient Egypt, even being at the lake fascinates me.

I don't know why I am fascinated by some things. I always have been.

I have been writing on a story. This is punctuated by the verbal abuse I get and the fact that I have to cook dinner. I don't mind cooking.

I wish I could write like I used to, before the verbal abuse. Maybe one day, when this bully person is gone, I can feel better.

I don't wish it but if something makes one so stressed to the point of suicide, it should be gone.

Maybe, I don't know.

I have a troubling thought. I live in Tx. Given that the early season tornadic storms affecting the Midwest are bad, what will it be like in April-May when Tornado Alley cranks up? It happens every spring. I once saw a tornado in the year 2000 somewhat west of US Hwy 183 north of Austin. It was far away and I don't ever want to see one, even if it is far away.

I saw on CNN people driving into a raging thunderstorm with heavy hail and drenching winds. What the hell? I have been through some gnarly t-storms in my time. The power always goes out in those. We hadn't had one of those in a long time but that is a good thing.

I hate thunderstorms. I have always been fascinated by the weather. The sky, the sun, the moon, but I don't like thunderstorms. I have a weather radio. It hasn't gone off in a long time, no warnings. When it does though, it is usually bad.

Heh, in 2002, the wind blew the door off our old house. Guess who got to go put it back up? I put on the only shorts I could find, loose ones, and went out into a blinding rain and huge wind to get it. The water, me running, whatever, my shorts fell off and I was naked in the rain. Given that I live by the highway, that is not usually wise.

I like being naked in the rain, it's a good feeling.

Questions

I fist learned of Akhenaten maybe sometime in my high school days. My fascination with Ancient Egypt began with the story of Osiris and Isis. Now that isn't how things really were, I know, but who can say how it really was? It was all so long ago. I mean thousands of years. Think of all the stuff that has happened since then.

Good things, like Jesus, bad things, like Attila the Hun, Genghis Khan, worse things like Ivan the Terrible, Napoleon and the evillest human being in history, Hitler.

But what fascinates me? Atenism? You know how I love astronomy, and a basic thing, ALL life depends on the Sun. Not that I believe that the Sun is anything but a great ball of hydrogen fusing its life away. Stars live on a timescale inconceivable to an average human mind.

The idea of this basic fact is beautiful and shows that a natural fact is understood.

For whatever reason, whether it was an old Sun cult, a manifestation of Ra, or just plain difference, Amenhotep IV became convinced that the Sun is the only life giving force. You can see it in the art of his time. A sun disc's rays beaming down as hands holding ankhs, the symbol of life.

Akhenaten perhaps went about it the wrong way, saying that what ever anyone else believed was bs. That is a quick way to raise someone's ire. I know this because I KNOW human evolution is a natural fact, not that we just 'appeared' in this present form. Human beings are flimsy creatures as life on Earth goes.

That doesn't mean that I don't believe God created the Universe. I do believe He did. Physicists say that the Big Bang 'just happened'. How do you explain this massive violation of Causality?

The problem with that is, we may live in what is just one universe in a sea of universes, the Multiverse. It is not provable but it is interesting to thing that there are many worlds were things went one way or the other. Like Dubya won in the year 2000 here but maybe in another world, Al Gore won. How things might have been different if that happened? We might not be in the worst economic crisis in 70 years if that had happened.

Back to the point, Akhenaton as a person doesn't fascinate me. He probably was fruity, arrogant, and gosh, he was the king, you know. His ideas fascinate me. The art he commissioned fascinates me. The artifacts, the stories, the people, all fascinating.

And poor Tutankhamen, if he was not so close to that era, perhaps we could have learned more about that time. Why did he die so young? What did he really believe? What happened to his wife? Poor guy, ripped apart to get at the amulets, bracelets, pectorals, and jewels on his person.

Where did he really go after he died? Forever oblivion? Nothing resembling our current beliefs were around in his day. Does he know that people gawk at his golden coffin, which rests in an unstable country? Things set on him to help him on his journey to the afterlife scattered in museums in places far from Egypt.

I hope that science resumes and certain things are found that could help finish the story. Queen Nefertiti is one of these things. Is she still down in the Valley? Somewhere else? If I had any chance to go to school again, I would try to go help search.

Not that I would travel so far from home. The thought actually tickles my anxiety.

It isn't because things are gold and fabulous. I want to know the story. I want to know why it went so wrong. How does Atenism relate to other beliefs of the time? If it did influence the Ancient Hebrews, what then?

It possibly doesn't but you don't know, it was 3,000 years ago. Do you know how long 3000 years is? We'll find out in 5012, should there still be human beings then. I am not certain of that at all.

What would they think of America then? When did it go wrong? We could be living in the time that signaled the long decline of the USA. I hope not, I mean, things have to change but this is not the post to discuss that.

I will always be fascinated with the Amarna Period of the 18th Dynasty of Ancient Egypt. It is a pleasant escape from thinking of this life now. I wish I never was.

Somewhere, in a different universe, I never was, a pleasant thought.