Unwell

I have been really sleepy all day. Kinda disconnected. My stomach feels queasy because of the powerful antibiotic I am on. I get the squishy diarrhea from that too.

Curiously, my prostate, which has been behaving for the last few weeks has hurt me off and on today. Could the antibiotic be upsetting thechronic condition that makes it hurt in the first place? I hope so.

I am clearing up in my head. My clogged ear keeps popping when I yawn, a good sign. I can hear markedly better but not normally yet.

However. I am coughing up the ultra pure grade of mucus that comes from the chest. I know you know how that is. We all get sick some time or another.

It is nothing to ashamed of.

This society we live in is overdue for collapse I think. People have idiotic beliefs, they crowd places like rats, and this prevalent contact with people from all over the place is an ideal transmissable siitutation for the invading bacteria or virus that prey on us humans.

I am not antisocial. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. This means I freak out if people are in my space. There are few exceptions. One is Jen.

Jen is afraid of something. I don't know why but she won't even let me see her bra. This is dumb, I know but I was curious as to what kind she wears, so maybe in the future, I can get her a better one that flatters her perfect breasts.

Jen is near perfect in body but NOT in mind. This is hardly saying she is anything like the yellow haired stereotype. Jen has a fear of contact.

She is overly sensitive and while that is hardly abnormal (I am myself) I think something is wrong with that.

Why is she like that, so closed in like that? I wish she at least acted like a good girlfriend once in this year and a half long charade that has been a relationship. Maybe then, I'd pay more attention to her. She has to give to receive. I do the same when I can.

I am sick and tired of having no money. I do not really know where my money goes, if things cost so much. I can't go to the doctor because I have no money.

I wish I had one iota of Arthelius's 'persuasive' power. Of course that is what got him into trouble and why he's a ghost and I am human, sitting here in my chair in the rural wasteland, 37 miles from my girlfriend, hurting in my lower abdomen, and feeling very sleepy. Ay ya.

Listen to Ned's Atomic Dustbin. It is one of the greatest bands to leave England, imo.

Underwear :)

During this unhappy Christmas holiday, in which I have been sick, my right ear stopped up (clearing now with suphedrine) and I am taking a new antibiotic, Something else unpleasant happened.

My Directv service is a sub-service to my mom's directv service. Yes, I live with my mom and dad. My dad is disabled and I do not go a day without seeing or helping him no matter how strong willed and unpleasant he can be. Anyhow, my mom somehow ran up the bill by ordeing some new remotes or something and our boxes were disconnected. This will persist until January.

When a directv is 'turned off' apparently, some channels are not blocked. These include the Directv info channels, government channels like C-Span and NASA TV, and yay, informercial channels.

I do not know why I like infomercials. I watch them when the box is unblocked but not as much as now. I think they are funny (like the infamous Magic Bullet 'party' infomercial). Isn't it funny that Mr T is doing one for the Flavor Wave oven? "I pity the fool...." More so on you, dude.

Some of these infomercial channels have shows like The Knife Show, which is funny in its own way, and the shocking and interesting Shop Erotic. I do not watch coin shows or auctions or gem sales. I do like the Jewelry Channel which helps me imagine the jewelry my characters wear in my stories. They can also be the focus of a story.

Some informericals are about squishing a woman's body in a bamboo fiber corset to make her seem less lumpy and (eww) saggy. They look hideous in their underwear. Imagine being a guy, attracted to her in this corset, not knowing that she looks like a deflated blimp when naked. The time would come when they are in a sexual situation, and she pulls it off (with effort). The guy takes one look at the saggy folds of hide and his erection would retract faster than a tape measure does.

I can't say every guy would find that repellent but I would. I am truly blessed to have a girlfriend that is fit and so very supple. That is not why I love her but it doesn't hurt.

Now let me tell you about me. I'd post a pic of me in my underwear if it wouldn't ruffle the prudish feathers of Blogger or Google. I may have a belly, not as bad as people seem to think, but otherwise, I am a cute guy.

I look good in underwear. I say this because I have seen other guys in all sorts of underwear in commercials or advertisements or on the package and they focus too much on the muscly body and hiding the peeny.

I look good because my muscles are average, my peeny is never hidden in clever light or draping effects, and my butt (my favorite part of me other than my eyes) is well represtented.

I like to wear briefs though there are times when I wear boxer briefs or trunks when I feel uncomfortable down there. I like them to fit just right.

I am not ashamed of my peeny, even when it is fully retracted because of cold or anxiety. It hides its potential then, becoming something more when excited. I am growing not to like having an erection, truthfully. It seems that it just doesn't matter. I must keep it in shape for Jen when our time comes.

I wear Hanes almost exclusively though the ideal underwear is cotton stretch by Merona from Target. I am not terribly impressed by name brand underwear.

I have a lot of it because I am searching for the perfect pair eludes me as yet.

What is perfect? Fit, look, color, material, feel. I hope Jen learns this so she can help me. Her opinion matters much to me. Satisfying her is my goal. She loves me more when I do sothing meaningful. I have no doubt that she loves me even when I upset her, which is never intentional.

Her underwear, I've never seen it, but I have felt it by touch, is soft and silky. I can't wait to see it but patience is the character flaw in me that keeps me with her.

I cant hug or kiss her because I'm sick. I do not want to make her sick.

But now with more powerful medicines, I will be able to hug her, which is a sensual moment for us.

Underwear is underrated. if you don't look good in yours, what's the point? Comfort and beauty go hand in hand, imo.

I will post a pic of my favorite underwear in a later post.

Ha ha.

I write what I'm thinking about. Helps keep my mind off how bad I feel.

A ghost needs not wear underwear. Arthelius gets by with just a spectral robe. Wouldn't that be great? Too bad reality bites there.

Sick, but Sharp

I have cut down on taking the Celexa-clone so it does not affect the cough medicine I take. I have a ? Stap infection? Cold? Respiratory infection? Whatever, it freaking hurts and my right ear is stopped up, screwing up my hearing, my 2nd most important sense.

It kinda hurts to breathe and I assume that I should go see the doc but I have no money to do so. It sucks. I wrote a letter to my bank about charging me to death for overdraft. I suck at math and Im weak to getting things I consider needed, no matter the cost.

I have written a lot over the last three days. I have watched the entire second season of Babylon 5 in the last three days. I have seen some of my favorite infomercials and i have been getting along fine mentally. No anxiety here in the rural wasteland.

This sickness is taking a toll on me. I may have to beg $15 from someone so I can see a doc.

I did the m-thing just a while ago and it's working fine. The antibiotic I am taking probably killed whatever was hurting my prostate.

It isn't cold. I dont know what is going on with the weather. It is probably why I'm sick. I didn't go to work today because my fever was over 100. I will not sign any punishment for missing too many days. I am truly sick.

My head cannot decide if it wants to hurt or not. My ear is bothering me. My chest feels like someone took a wire brush and cleaned out the inside of my bronchi and trachea, esp in my throat.

Oddly, I have not had much nasal congestion. This is maybe not the case since my coughing has become worse, a sign of respiratory distress. It shouldn't hurt to breathe.

I maybe getting emotionally better since this holiday bs is almost over. Hail hail, March 2nd. Texas Independence Day. Now there's you a holiday to celebrate.

This ghost is a Texan through and through and no amount of talk, or charm or even my favorite Californian, Jen, can take that out of me,

I got a bitchin new cell phone, a Samsung sgh-a127 camera phone. Let those douchebags commit a safety violation now. I will have photographic evidence. My only complaint about it is that it is red. I never liked red but its dark enough to be tolerable.

I played warcraft at Jen's house. I didn't get much out of it. I'd much rather play Final Fantasy 9.

Gosh, this would be a great time if I wasn't sick. Oh well, nothing is a perfect moment without some complication.

I will have a perfect moment sometime in January. I'll keep ya'll posted. I may take a trip to see the Alamo again and Jen's coming too. We may go see Disturbed, too. Hope my ear heals up before then.

Jen and I are becoming closer finally.

Maybe that is why I'm cheerful despite my distorted voice and uneasy breathing.

Aborted M-Thing

This is a personal post. I write it beause understanding me is the goal of my blogs.

I am in a sexless relationship with Jen. This is because in her sometimes vapid mind, belief in marriage is something requisite to even sharing nakedness let alone a poke party.

I am a human male. I feel like the ghost I am in my web persona. My anxiety plays a huge role in that. I take a medicine (the Celexa-clone) that does have effects in the build-up and time of release in the male orgasm.

I can regulate how much time it takes but when I am just doing the m-thing for myself, I like it to go by quickly. The m-thing is a regulator. It purges hormones, settles my sometimes achy urinary system, and hey, it feels good.

In sex, in my experience, I can go a long time before climax. I do not know why that is, but likely because my troublesome prostate doesn't immediately react to things.

Betroubled with prostatitis makes it feel like a vise is pinching on the base of my urinary bladder. This leads to the pain.

The pain limits me to the m-thing maybe 3 times in a week, but sometimes not even that.

I have done the m-thing for most of my adult life, maybe not for a good reason, because sometimes, I was bored years ago. Not anymore.

I call it the m-thing because I hate the word 'mastrubation'.

The m-thing is natural, safe and satisfying.

I do advocate it, especially for girls, so maybe they can be safe and not exposed to diseases that upset the delicate balance of the female urogenital tract.

I abort it sometimes. When I am dehydrated, which is often, or when I am distracted by lack of privacy, loud noises or pain.

But tonight was the first time I aborted it because it is too cold. I have disabled the heat vent in my room because the heat dried out my skin. It is 31 outside now.

Come on, I mean, this is the rural wasteland, where 100 is just another day.

I should mention, all of my skin dries out, even the thing involved in the m-thing.

I will go take a shower, yay for shea butter, and maybe tomorrow. I am off from the cesspit. Maybe I can do my X-Mas shopping, because I couldn't afford it before now.

Arthelius never had to do the m-thing. I mean, hey, he used the Force to get into a lucky female's panties. Probably it's why he's a ghost now, you think?

LOL.

If you don't like this, sorry, this is my blog. What do you expect from a guy with a frigid gf?

Safety

Ha. being a ghost and talking about safety. What does it matter? Being noncoporeal has its benefits.

Kidding aside, I am a Safety Team Member in my store. I have been for nearly two years. This means a lot more that attending usually boring meetings, wearing the red badge on my slave tag, oops, wm nametag, and being smippy about people doing unsafe things.

Accidents cost us our quarterly bonus last and it is wrong to blame us. Few listen to us and many just do what they want. Then there are those stupid fucking people called customers. They never watch where they are going and if there was red paint on the floor, they would blunder right through it.

I don't care if you think I am in the wrong business. I have worked in retail since I was 16. Normally in a average store, it's not a big deal. But the store I work in is more of evertything. More money, more items, and more space in which to watch for things on the floor.

What ends up on the floor? Broken glass sometimes. Plastic from wrappings or pieces of things, WATER, spit, vomit, and I saw one time long ago, somebody peeing on the floor.

This is not to say this happens every day. Water is the biggest concern. It could be condensation on a cold pallet, water from watering plants, the rain, or somebody spilled some. The glossy tile floor (which is really a detriment) gets slippery like your penis covered in KY.

People slip and fall. They sue wm. wm's insurance company, CMI, is gleefully charging for these incidents. That money comes from 'extra' money that supplies our quarterly bonus.

It should be a very powerful argument against ignoring spills. But it is not.

I have seen other associates walk by something spilled. I want to yell at them, call them stupid douchebags for jut walking by. But I don't. God forbid that I upset anyone.

Safety is not something restricted to work. Driving unsafe is endemic in the cesspit town I work in. This is largely thanks to the Army base that feeds the cesspit.

Go to www.kdhnews.com to see all the bad things that happen there.

WE ALL play a part in safety, whether it is safe lifting, making sure the floor is clear, or using a ladder properly. Cooking at home is a huge place for safety. Steam and boiling water burn all layers of your skin. Not just the top few.

A www.prevent-it.ca tv spot played today in the safety meeting, which was more of a pizza party than anything like usal. This spot is called 'Chef' and features a young woman who slips on a greasy part of the kitchen floor while carrying a large pot of boiling water.

It did not mince detail. YOU CAN BE HURT by the simplest thing if you are not careful and pay attention to what you are doing.

I am not the safest guy in the world. I climb on things because I'm short. I drive too fast, and I have a room that looks like the dump.

When the Celexa-clone kicks in, I kinda just fade out. That is not a safe attitude but it is the way it is. I do more to pay attention. I can be clumsy. I stay careful.

I can only do my part. I am a Safety Team Member. It has stung me three times in my time on it. Once when I had a car accident, once when my friend Ricky fell and broke his head open, and when I was 'busted' for leaving an open ladder on the floor.

I have been ever more vigilant since then and that is wearing on me.

Why should I be the only one that cares?

Be safe. You don't want to be hurt. You don't want to be responsible for something that could have been prevented. If you have feelings at all, you would understand the cost of being unsafe.

More than pain or money could be lost. It is extremely uncool to die while doing something stupid. It is even more uncool to die at work.

In this winter season, when it is icy or rainy, be careful. Watch your step and do more to make sure others do not slip or fall. I will. I will be the Safety Team Member of any group I'm in. I will make you care.

You do not want to be a ghost like Arthelius. There is no joy in such an existence.

Sadness

Several things have made me sad recently. I did not mean this blog to be a place to bitch about how life can be so intrinsically testing.

That being said, I will say that whatever triggers my anxiety is just plain unwanted. I am sick of my manager. my gf, who plays on my sadness like no other, and just the multitides of meaningless lives that jostle and crowd like so much cattle.

I'm content to stay here in the rural wasteland. Why do I call it that? Take a look at the dead and decomposing deer out by the highway or the clear cutting of the trees and places houses used to be.

Sure, it is far away from my job or just going to the store, and the net speeds out here would lose a race with a snail but it is where I have lived for the better part of 9 years.

Freaking cold and gray weather combined with the usual holiday depression make it hard just to enjoy oneself.

The days become a blur after a while. I am in a meaningless job that serves on purpose but to answer stupid questions and waste time.

But I recognize the value of having a job. I was without one from 2003 to 2006.

We shall not have a repeat of that, I hope. My anxiety developed in that time.

Part of Arthelius's story had a lot to do with the decay of emotion caused by the betrayal by a girl. It weighs some time on his spectral mind. And if that was a portent of someting in actuality, I would much rather be a ghost like him.

Awful Dry Skin-ness

You know, I'm not really that negative. I mean, here in the rural wasteland, I'm not much of anything. I do stuff in a daze. I have been playing Spore a lot and that takes up a lot of time.

My b-day is in several days. I do not know what I will do. I might go see my girlfriend and, errr, Jen, sweet angel Jen. I love her like no other.

What awfulness is this? Cold air. Wind. MF'ing GC is outside practically. Big wind destroys merchandise and signing. Think management cares? Hell no.

My dry skin is awful. 36% humidity in my room this instant. And people wonder why I use Olay Quench and Total Moisture soap. Dry skin on a male is just as bad as on a female. I admit to using it, urging others to try it. Quench helps a lot.

Anything with Shea Butter is best. I don't quite know what shea butter is but it is effective at staving off drying, cracking, and the most awful itching one can feel.

My urological problems have subsided save for the still difficulty in peeing I have when at work and home when I wait too long.

It hurts bad to wait too long. Don't be like me. If you have to go pee, GO. There is absolutely no excuse in damaging your urological area. It can lead to genital pain too. That is NO fun.

There is no shame in admitting that one pees. We all do. If we talked about it more, then maybe dehydration wouldn't be so dominant an issue.

I am dehydrated most of the time. I now have a stomach issue, likely the return of my ulcer thanks to medicine. I drink milk and the pain subsides. That is what I did when my ulcer developed 14 years ago. I have had off and on pain there in the time in between but never daily nausea and throat burn.

I suppose I will have to see the doctor about that. I need a new doctor. Don't quite know what my insurance will cover. It's been good to me so I shouldn't complain about it.

Only the living have these problems.

One thing about Arthelius is, he's spectral. That would be great, wouldn't it? What else is a ghost other than spectral?

Oh, Not Feeling Well...

My urinary system likes to radiate pain. I do not why and take harsh medicines to make it not do this. I do not think the doctors know/care what it is. They just poke instruments in a very small hole and look inside this syetem (which can be fascinating to watch on the monitor if it wasn't your peeny getting poked).

Will they do it again? I won't allow them. It is a harsh violation and leaves a memory that tickles my already bad anxiety.

I seem to have dry air related repiratory ills, a cough, sneezing, etc... My nose has thankfully withheld leaking that universally reviled thing called snot.

It is in this moment that Jen decides to hug me with more vigor and aggressively kisses me. It can cure any dark mood/ill feeling, true. She is my dear one.

The DJIA is tanking -300 points on average this morning. People are getting sent home early from wm, usually unthinkable in that super profitable store.

I gotta stop watching so much CNN.

I am hurting, yes, but like Arthelius says, "A friend can always heal a troubled mood." Of course, he was talking about Marakka, who stole his cloak and saber. Can't trust those Wookie females... *sigh*

Frigid Girlfriend

I am sexually attracted to a girl named Tiffany. This is hardly exceptional. But she is already taken and we are just friends. Something she said to me, makes me think that my girlfriend doesn't really love me.

One thing, she never answers calls or texting and the ONLY time she calls or texts, it's because she wants something. I take her home from work and all I get is a kiss on the lips, and sometimes not even that. I take her on a date and she pays almost no attention to me.

Me and Jen have been a 'couple' for well over a year. I have never gotten as far as a touch with her. And even then she cringes and slaps me.

I consider Jen my dear one, she is something special and I love that. However, her teenaged mentality and sexual frigidness both make her one of the worst excuses for a girlfriend ever.

It is not so easy to let go. She is always happy to see me. Or is she? I have no idea of what is in the desolate space in her head.

Big Bad Ike

Grrrr.... look at this, an assault on my beloved home state.

It has yet to affect our weather but we are under that green area in this image.

People say nothing will happen. What kind of idiot belittles the awesome elemental power of weather? I'm no weatherman but I have studied the weather most of my life so I know a thing or two.

This is a very unusual hurricane. It is much larger than the norm and its winds stretch out over a greater area. I hope my cats stay in a safe place when Ike slings something our way.

I don't remember a hurricane affecting the weather here in LC in my lifetime, but I've only been around 32 years.

My weather radio is ready. Got some batteries for the flashlight and I have water and soda and things to eat. the power here goes out in a typical t-storm, you know. This is anything but typical.

If it proves to be nothing, then well right on. We don't need tropical tempest here in the Heart of Texas.

I'll keep ya'll posted. Take in the houseplants, it's going to be windy tomorrow.

Ike!

Oh, man. Bad weather coming. Take a look at this beast.

This is a view from the GOES-East satellite, Floater 4, which often follows tropical cyclones as they violate the Monroe Doctrine. The pretty colors are provided by infared enhancements as it is night right now. Visible isn't possible.








People say, "It's nothing to be worried about." Have they ever huddled in the dark when the power went out as a t-storm rages outside? I cannot sleep when that happens. My anxiety plunges into full panic mode.


True, the bad half of the storm, not that there is a good half, is to the east. The inflow side, the side closest to the Mexican coast in this image, will pass over where I live.


Eh, why bother? It just isn't worth living anymore. I envy Arthelius, though he is me, he doesn't feel anything.

Hot, or is it Caliente?

It is so freaking hot now. Like 30 straight days here in Tx of 100 degree weather. I used to sleep in the daytime to avoid this. I am a night-morning person. Now I sleep in my favorite parts of the day. That kinda upsets me.

The GC of the wm I work in has two areas. The inside where all the stuff you'd ordinarily find in a GC is, and the outside, where seasonal things are. Then there is the patio, the true outdoor area, where there is soil, mulch, rocks, and things like that. The other side is that plant cage common to all wm's. This one is much huger than the one you might have been in.

I burn in the sun. I get supr dehydrated. I mean, my pee at the end of work is the color of spolied bananas.

It hurts me to pee and I tend to limit how much I drink. This may have far more serious consequences than pain in my nether area.

Grrrr.... No relief in sight, unless you count this storm with the silly name of Eduardo. The rural wasteland out here is in the uncertainty cone of its forecasted path.

I am decaying, it seems. I mean, my feet hurt so bad after work. I can barely stand on them. I have capricious arthritic pain in my hands. It is hard to type this..

One day, I will be a ghost for real. I am one now, Arthelius, who is an ideal I like to think of.

I am Arthelius the Ghost. Who are you?

Oh, Hurting

I don't mean to complain or be pissy. Goodness knows, that I'd just like to take a day to myself, if that were possible.

Now, I am sitting here in my underwear because I am afraid that my pants will hurt me when I put them on.

I so wish that I had just an iota of Arthelius' strength or confidence.

I am hurting very badly because of ? Work, certainly. Maybe it was because I had to pee so badly when I got up.

No matter why, I am hurting. Nurse C will call me back and tell me what I can do, hopefully. She has been the one most helpul person in all this debacle.

Oh, and there's a new problem with work. I will elaborate on it later.

See ya'll later. I GTG.

Allergies and troubles

The human form of Arthelius the Ghost, me, has allergies like we all do.

My allergies are few. I am allergic to cedar or any conifer tree. Okay, lots of people are. I am also allergic to powder laundry soap, especially Tide, whose liquid form I do not use. (I use All, the successor to my fav, Surf)

I can get a rash from laying on grass. I guess me and Jen won't ever f on grass, not without a blanket under us.

I thought I was not allergic to any med until I started to take Flomax. this is a medicine that reduces muscle tension in the pelvic region and relieves stress on the prostate. This is most commonly prescribed for BPH, the natural enlargement of the prostate gland.

I am way too young for BPH. My problem is my achy prostate and its infection proneness.
I have had retrograde ejaculaton, where it goes into the bladder, which is weird and worrisome.

I have developed intense itching in my genital area. I have rashes on my left arm and one on my left flank.

Peeing is a bit easier with it but nothing is a remedy worth the achy feeling and malaise Flomax brings.

Dr. E's nurse told me to stop taking it and I will gladly comply. Dr. L may not like it but he can kma. There are other ways to deal with this, surely.

Ah, nevermind all that. This is my weekly respite. wo day away from that horrid monument to greed in.

More info later as this progresses. If you don't like it, then why are you reading it?

Thanks to all who care and love to all friends.

Super Love to my dear one. Love ya, Jen.

100 Degrees

Gosh, it's hotter than a babylon whore outside. I don't mean to be boorish but old metaphors are kinda wore out, ya know?

Owwwwww! My personal unidentified urinary condition was way mellow yesterday. I felt not that bad. But this morning, whoa! It feels like a neutron bomb went off down there, with shocks during every step. I walk kinda fast, but I can't really now. I like to run but it hurts so bad to do it now.

My life is definately impacted by this. I mean, I had to leave work early because the pain was becoming unbearable. Even more so when sitting in the car.

I don't feel like Arthelius on these days. He doesn't sit around in his underwear because wearing pants hurts.

If you want to say a prayer for me or send me a message, it is most welcome. I have some great friends. I am blessed for that.

I go to a new urologist on Tuesday, after Dr. E all but abandoned me.

I do not believe in any medical help anymore.

Mentally Ill?

My stupid urinary system and its mysterious issue have just angered me to the point where I scald my stupid peeny in hot water. There is something wrong with the hot/cold water in my house. The cold cuts out suddenly as some other draw on the water takes it away momentarily. This is not good when one takes a hot shower like I do. I step away as the water gets really hot and maybe my urinary area hurts, a spike in pain brought on by ???

I get very upset and stick my peeny in the hot water. Not for very long. I mean, why make it hurt more than it already does?

The way I am reacting to this unknown urinary condition bothers me greatly. I walk around naked or in my underwear, something I never usually do.

I am a ghost in the online world. I wish I had some of Arthelius' traits, like spectrally hiding his maleness. I am not ashamed of my peeny, no way, I'm just angry that it hurts deep inside.

My anxiety twists this situation into something that hurts not only physically but emotionally as I am not getting the attention from doctors who in reality do not care.

I am awaiting the day Jen finally lets me in. I am afraid this problem will spoil that. No one cares so why should I even attempt to get help?

I am Arthelius the Ghost, I will get through this somehow. Likely with meds that make me feel icky. Doctors poking at my genitals... ew! Why cant the doctor be female? I hate male attention at all.

It's all so sad.

Bad Week

You know, maybe it was my boss cussing me out and belittling me as a Safety Team member, or that bulls**t holiday that worked my anxiety to the breaking point. Maybe it is my so-called 'friends' who don't consider me.

Whatever. I am not getting better. The swelling of my epydemis is once again bad and I can expect testicle pain. No telling when I will go to the doctor as I have been referred to another clinic. I mean, why can't anyone do anything and be accountable?

No calls from them at all.

No calls from anyone at that matter.

And people say they care. Yeah, and if that's true then it is true the pigs grow wings and fly. Right.

Intensification

Readers of my blogs know, I have a recurring and painful yet mysterious urinary condition. It intensified two days ago and last night, I went to the ER. Gosh, it is getting worse and they have no idea what is causing it. I had another DRE. You want to know what it feels like? Get some KY jelly and exam gloves. Put the gloves on, smear them with the KY and then stick your index finger in your anal area, all the way in to its knuckle. It hurts and is demeaning. I don't understand how people who do anal sex get pleasure from it.

I have not been updating my blog as I should have. I am sorry. I have been hurting and trying to get by walking around, being outside, and sitting on a more comfortable seat than this modified task chair I have had since 2001.

Cheap wm crap. Oh, I am writing this because I aborted my trip to work. I was almost to CC when the pain got too bad. I pulled to the side of the road and used my cell phone to call in. I may catch hell for that but they can kma. My a. Ass. I love it. It is a very attractive part of me. I am not ashamed to say that. Everyone must admire some part of them. I like my eyes, my face, my peeny and my butt.

This does not mean I am anything other than hetero. Jen likes my butt, too. There is a physical attraction between us, of course.

I am forced to wear shorts (ew!) because the waistline of pants make the pain much worse. I have gained some weight from increased soda consumption and easier work. I thought my job was a waste of time a year ago, but in the GC, it is even more prevalent.

I fear Dr. E will do something surgical to find the culprit of this painful urinary problem. I have never had surgery and I do not EVEN want to think about lasers or cutting instruments anywhere near my genitals.

If this is TMI, get over it. You are afraid of talking about things like this? You are denying the knowledge of human anatomy and how best to be healthy. Knowing more always is a benefit.

If I ever find a website that allows it, I will post a pic of the affected area. One cannot tell from the outside other than a little testicular swelling. I am not ashamed of myself.

Blaming religion for inhibition is wrong. Inhibition is a personal choice. Overcoming an inhibition is easier than one might think. Just try it.

Not Good

I hear rumors and hearsay at work about management watching associates on the security cameras and busting them. One of them was apparently my girlfriend.

Those sorry bastards. They have been nothing but cruel to her. She is the essence of sweetness and I cannot understand why anyone would treat her like that. I cannot contact her, likely because she is very upset and does not want to talk. I understand that completely. She'll calm down. Jen isn't the type to let them beat her down.

Oh, about the CT scan? It was the worst single thing I have been through in recent memory. The contrast fluid was nasty, then the first time I had an IV, it was an experience I did not mind. It did not hurt like I thought it would. What was injected was different as it gave me a wet feeling in my lower parts and seemed to provoke my prostatitis pain as it has been worse than before.

I am extremely worried. I mean, I saw the CT scan and it might reveal more than just prostate problems. I'm sure Dr. E will allay such worry.

I am worried about my dear one. If she loses her job, it may have a profound effect on her like that time I was terminated from HEB. I couldn't believe it. I still don't nine years after the fact.

I will take Jen out for a special date. She deserves love and attention. If she doesn't work at wm anymore, then maybe we will have more time together and bring our relationship closer to what it should be. She has been my girlfriend for more than a year you know.

wm has taken my faith in the future. It has caused stress that developed my Anxiety Disorder into an unmanageable crushing weight. I think my prostatitis was caused by stress. Stress every day. I need to leave and they won't let me.

I just don't know how I can go on. Jen needs me and I will be there for her. That is all that I need to help me have faith. I love my girlfriend.

Nasty!!!

That barium sulfide solution I am forced by circumstances to drink tastes like spoiled vanilla yogurt. Ewwwww!!!!! It is so hard to drink and I shudder even now a full thirty minutes after fini9shing the first bottle.

This CT ordeal is just beginning. I am so eating at Sonic tomorrow. A chicken toaster sandwich, the ONLY way to alleviate hunger in a truly satisfying way.

I have to frink at least half of the other bottle in the morning. Double ewww! Then the other half in the radiology dept. I will let them know how that was.

The IV thing scares me. I hope it is quick like drawing blood. I'm told it will be an intensely uncomfortable sensation. As if this solution wasn't. I will moon them and show them my peeny just to anger and upset them. Hey, it is what is being scanned you know.

If this is for nothing, I will be very upset. Possibly suicidally so.

I actually want to wear a hospital gown and nothing else. I mean, there isn't any sense in hiding any thing and I need a way to eliminate my anxiety driven inhibition to be able to go through things like this.

I am mentally ill in only the anxiety disorder and its claws are in everything I do. Particularly when at the doctor any more.

I lost my pastiness on my arms, neck and head, but retain it everwhere else. What sort of mixed color is that? I sooo need to go back to a nocturnal schedule. Aint happening as long as my car is disabled and dead.

Grrrr... a new battery. Only the third one Ive gotten for it in 9 years.

Anxious (Anxiety-Boosted)

I don't know if my Anxiety Disorder has anything to do with my painful personal illness. If it does, then I'm doomed to hurt always. I mean, I hurt now and have all day. That freaking job is not helping. 100 degrees tomorrow. I start the contrast fluid intake tomorrow. Nothing but that to drink and nothing to eat until at least Tuesday afternoon. I am ever nauseous feeling these days. My stomach reels from the assault by meds and too much soda.

Errr... This apprehension is horrible. People say I'll be okay. Jen says just be brave. That's easy for them to say. They don't cringe at the awful pain as they pee.

I am relying on the Celexa-clone to get me through this. I will take it way early on Tuesday to avoid the panic attack inevitable when they hook an IV line into me.

I hope this is not a big deal. I will try to befriend the radiologist and the nurses. It's always nice to speak to people in my hometown. It is nothing like that festering stench-filled cesspit called K-town.

Again, I am imbibing a liter of Evian in less than 30 minutes. I like Evian because it tastes pure. I have drank it since I first saw it in my preteen years. Lucky the HEB carries a variety of sizes for it.

I am deydrated. Don't quite know how to avoid that and not upset my stomach and body by consuming a great quantity of water that will make me pee painfully once again.

A conundrum, no? yes? Listen to Elastica and it will be better. Just like now.

Anxiety and CT

Last wednesday, I went to Dr E as appointed and he told me that nothing he could do further can alleviate this elusive and intense pain that comes when I am not dehydrated, such as I have been critically for the last few days. He ordered a CT scan for me that will cover my middle and pelvic areas. I am most worried about the lower urinary tract and the bladder areas.

A troubling new sensation or lack thereof is bothersome to my anxiety. When the m-thing reaches the climax stage, the feeling is numbed or even muted. It is usually very intense thanks to the Celexa-clone.

Ay ya, a ghost shouldn't feel this way. I am scared of this scan and what it may find. If it is nothing, I will be genuinely shocked. Something is wrong in there.

The CT scan is in the hospital I was born in on tuesday morning. I will not be allowed to eat/drink/consume anything but the barium suspention fluid. I mean, I have like two liter-sized bottles of it to drink. I hope it doesn't taste nasty.

I will wear a green shirt and green underwear, blue jean shorts and maybe white or black socks depending on if I wear my white Asics or black New Balance shoes. If I am asked to get naked, oh well. I don't care about that anymore.

My job is making me very upset. I get so hot, people keep coming, coworkers always need something. Then some of them yelling at me. The next time it happens, I will show them why I am Dark Jedi Gregory aka Arthelius the Ghost.

I am drinking like a liter of Evian in the hope that I will re-hydrate my water starved body. I have not had enough in three days and there are two more to go in what the NWS is forecasting 100 degree days.

Nausea is common these days. I am not sure about eating when I feel this way. Lucky I am close to bedtime now. I bet I will wake up with a major provocation of the pain that stymies Dr E.

Why can't things just calm down? F-ing holidays. Paganism. That's all it is. An excuse to buy and sell something. Come to the wm, bother the overworked and underpaid associates with inane and frankly stupid questions. How can any of us keep our sanity?

I will post more on this personal anxiety provoking situation later. I must go to sleep, the only peace I get anymore.

Worry, Again

I go to the doctor tomorrow. I'm sure that it will be a little confrontational. I want more analysis done. I want total understanding. It is not unreasonable. I mean, it's my prostate gland. The cancer thereof is invariably fatal. I am far too young for that but it doesn't mean that my protate won't betray me in the end.

Did the m-thing cause this? What about holding it in too long? Stupid pee. I do it quite often when properly hydrated. It hurts to go now and so I deny myself the water I need to a dangerous point at work and at home, it can be worse since I pee more here than anywhere at any time.

Who gives a rat's naked tail about pee? I mean we all do it.

I'm sure Dr. E will just blow this off as a malcontented patient. I am not a malcontent. I'm just worried about a case of prostatitis that has been ongoing for 4 months, seen 3 doc visits, one ER visit, and 3 different antibiotics. I refuse to believe that sticking a finger in my ass tells the whole story here. I will demand other diagnostic measures.

I remain Arthelius the Ghost. The Force is with me.

Angry

I don't get truly angry much at all. My Celexa-clone keeps things cool. I really stopped being pissed off all the time when I was a teenager, because it left me with a stomach ulcer. When I get sick, which is often enough, I get the kind of sick that just does its best to annoy and hurt. Take this latest bout with prostatitis. I went to the doc yesterday and got yet another antibiotic. Bactrim. It seems to be working as I don't hurt as much down there today but mind that I did not pee much today.

What really inceses me is the situation about a hat I ordered. I so desparately need one to protect my head when working outside. It was sent on 23rd May. As of this writing, it has not come in. Mind that it was sent as Priority Mail. Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! I am so angry at this total breakdown of things that should work right. I complained about the Post Office in my hometown because I suspect that my hat is in there and they have not delivered it.

I don't know why things like this happen to me. It can't be karma. I am a good boy. Nevermind that, really. Boys like me are rare.

I just don't know. I don't see Jen on these two days. That always hurts, you know.

Burn Inside and Out

I had to work today. No big deal. I work on every monday. People have no respect for the living on Memorial Day. None of my veteran family members perished in the wars they fought in, indeed not, I would not have been born if they had. I may not like my life but that is a sad thought to me.

I was outside despite the obvious evidence that I cannot tolerate sunlight. I actually hope I get heat exhaustion to show them.

My prostate hurts occaisonally. It hurts when I pee and that makes me worry that whatever is wrong down there has migrated down the urethra and affected my peeny.

I go to the urologist on wednesday. I will ask to be examined down there. I hate that feeling. Oh, my days off.

A brief respite that is much needed.

Oh, and I didn't do the m-thing because I am dehydrated. That actually hurts.

Heat

It isn't summer yet. But...

Grrrrr!!!! I just want to yell. I am a native Texan. I have been through summers that would kill any Northerner. Why is this one not yet begun already foisting its unpleasantries our way?

It could be the Doxycycline I take for a now gone Prostatic infection. I have other pains down there but I will tell the doc, no more antibiotics. If bacteria like me so, then let them have their way. It ain't like I use my genitals for anything other than peeing anyway. I could do that without a penis. Girls do all the time.

This is why Jen's refusal to even think about sex hurts me so. I never really valued my peeny much. It is only because I was cursed with the Y-Chromosome that I have one. If she won't value it, then why have it? I have failed as a male. There is no alternative. I will never betray my gender. I like being a boy for other reasons.

Today, I sweated like water was evactuating my body by pores. It was, so was sodium. I do not know if I can restore it because I don't eat a lot of salt. And the sports drink I prefer, Powerade fruit punch, isn't always easy to find. That is the story of my life. Disappointment.

My time at wm has been one huge ongoing one.

I actually don't like being negative. Not at all.

I am Arthelius the Ghost at the end of the day. I guess that is all that really matters. I feel like a ghost most of the time.

Burn

You see my picture on this blog. I am a pasty white guy. I have many freckles and I do not get much darker than say, vanilla pudding. I don't like that. I like uniformity in my pastiness. I mean, why should my arms, neck and head be a different shade than the rest of my still pasty body?

I received a severe sunburn on my nose over the course of two intolerably extreme UV+humidity days. It was like 95 degrees today, yeah, but the heat index was like 40 C.

40C is roughly 105F. It is my term for summertime here in the central lands of Tx. It has always been hot but not always ragingly humid. I burn so easy. People chide me about not wearing a hat. I am loathe to wear hats. I don't feel comfortable in them.

I have ordered one. Who knows when it will come? I was an idiot and sent it to the wrong address. I hope it isn't too late.

I am sick of that f-king store. Nothing but bad things have happend to me since I started there 2 years ago. I am coming to regret meeting Jen. I never wanted a girl that loved her brother and sister and Green Day more than she will ever love me.

Burn, UV-A and UV-B. The Sun is a star. Not the smallest by far and by even further not the biggest. It isn't just right. It is ever changing and intense. Doesn't make since that right now, the Earth is further from the Sun than it is the rest of the year thanks to its elliptical orbit.

I miss my overnight schedule. I could write more and enjoy myself. I have not stayed up overnight since I started at wm.

Even if no one cares, I write this. My goal in life is to understand. But also, it is good to be understood. At least. I think so.

Sleepy but Not...

Last night, my weather radio blared with its alarm twice overnight, waking me up to say there was a tornado in Bell County. I live 2 counties away from that ancient part of Texas. It doesn't do anything when such a warning is issued for here, in the rural wasteland, which is ever beautiful when I am away from it for so long. That is growing unbearable.

I am SICK AND TIRED of being ignored, talked down to, forgotten, and yelled at. I am 32 years old. I have worked at wm for 2 years. 2 years wasted of my pitiful life.

There was an intense t-storm here tonight. I had to delay going home in the hope that it would blow over. I drove through rain and water like you wouldn't believe. I bought some things I needed and gosh, if it didnt take a lot of my money.

I reiterate my wish to just crawl into my shell and forget all but my dear one. Jen, my sweet angel. Just seeing her today really helped me avoid a breakdown in anxiety that happened in the confusion of that cesspit, which is under construction in the GC.

I thought my job in Grocery was a waste of time. I was wrong. The GC is a HUGE waste of time. wm could save money by sending me home. The greed keeps them from that.

I do not care if they read this.

I am sleepy but not, probably because of the copoius amounts of Coca-Cola I drank this evening. I love that stuff. I'm signing off for the night, now. I need to rest.

See ya'll later.

More Worry

I had the ultrasound done today. It was a surreal experience. I can still feel it on my scrotal area. The nurse who did it was terse and quiet. I watched her and she kept cycling through images on that ultrasound machine, as if she had found something.

But she was no radiologist and it will take one to analyze those images. Then they will be submitted to Dr. E. I will call him on Thursday to see what's going on. My testicle does still hurt if ANY pressure is put on it. The right one by comparison is unfeeling.

I hate the fact that I have to work 6 days this week. Such are the conditions of things, I guess.

I am unexplainably sleepy and have been all right.

I did discover a good thing today. Arctic Chill flavor of Dentyne Ice was great. I will get more.

It never ceases to trouble me, the things that can happen.

Better (For Now)

I must admit, that my job in the GC is way less stressful than my old job in Grocery. Now that I use sun protection, I rather enjoy being outside but the need for gloves to protect my ever overused hands is intense and will be remedied when cash flow surges with the next paycheck.

I feel all right except the nagging and sometimes intense pain in my prostate area and the worry that this situation with my left testicle will turn out to be something horrible. I mean, whatever it is in there, it hurts to touch it and the testicle itself feels very much more sensitive than the normal, perfect right testicle. If I could post a pic of my scrotum, you could see the difference in them, but alas, pruditity reigns in this sad excuse for a society we live in.

This is not a sexual situation. Yes, sex organs are involved but those same sex organs are rarely considered except when I am bored or stimulated (which is random). I never feel that way at work or when with friends. With Jen.... I will not say.

I do feel better. I mean, the Celexa-clone saves me from the abyss. So what if I am dependent on it? It is not something that is about addiction. It is about preservation.

I will never be rid of my anxiety. It is a basic trait of my personality.

I may not have to do anything tomorrow. That will be nice. I do need to sleep more.

I'm better when I can be Arthelius. It's quite all right. Beats being the wm minion, which I am for most of the week.

Err... Suicidal

There was a schedule conflict. I was asked to help take my dad to the doc in a town kinda far away. I had my days switched around and had to give up my usual wednesday off.

Trouble is, wednesday is errand day for my family. Now my mom is even more upset than before.

My prostate started to hurt worse than it has in months despite the antibiotics. I was unable to complete the m-thing tonight.

It has dialed back to a numbing tingle inside. Peeing hurts, however.

I'm not getting better. My sun burns are peeling. Would that be considered dandruff? The top of my head was burned , ya know.

All this has created the crushing weight of shame and feeling stupid. It's my fault. Everything is my fault.

It is hard not to feel suicidal. I mean, nothing is good anymore.

I will go to sleep and maybe feel better in the morning. It is unlikely, however.

I have 58 Celexa-clone pills. What would happen if I took all of them at one time? I might get the rest my body and mind need.

But no, just one for now, the normal night dose. I shoulda took it earlier or I might not feel this way.

Unlikely though. Romeo Void is helping me now. That's good enough.

I will restart my Myspace blog. These dark feelings do not belong here, in Arthelius' blog.

Not Getting Better

I hate to admit this. I have lost faith in any future.

Bad things keep happening.

As my sunburned skin peels, leaving ugly flakes in my ever lustrous brown hair, I realize that I am a prime candidate for melanoma. But I don't even go outside in the sun when it can be avoided.

Then there is smoking. I have never done it and never will but my parents always have as does my sister. I have been exposed to it all my life. I don't like it and avoid it now if possible but the damage is already done if there is any. I will develop lung cancer as sure as if I had smoked and it's not my fault. One of life's cruelties.

Another is this prostatitis. What is causing it? If Cipro didn't get rid of it, why would Doxycyclin? I hate getting the DRE. I would rather have nothing put in my rectal area , thank you.

My grandfather (FE McL.) died of prostate cancer in the early 90's. I did inherit a lot of attributes from the McL (maternal) side of my family. Will I meet his fate, likely a lot sooner than he did? As the prostate makes itself known with a tingle of pain, I can only hope not.

I will discuss cancer the next time I go to the doctor. I believe I will develop some kind of cancer before I am 45.

Is this sexual health? What sex? Jen won't let me have hers though I promise myself to her.
All this grinds on my anxiety and it bites back. It says, 'shut down, man. I can't take this'. The Celexa-clone obliges.

No one understands this. Don't say you do.

You don't know the real me. The Artelius the Ghost me. The one sitting here, writing this.

That me at work is not me, but me wrapped in a shell of anxiety. It goes away when I leave Killeen.

What if something in the GC causes an illness in me? Working with pesticides and herbicides can't possibly be conducive to wellbeing.

I'm out in the Sun sometimes. The heat is taking a toll. If I collapse outside, it may be some dumb customer that finds me, not anyone in the wm.

I just want to hide away for a little while. I do get better after a few unstressful days.

That is not likely to happen.

See, things are not getting better.

Manic Feeling

I do get manic at times. This usually comes if I do not take my Celexa-clone. I have gone without it for 2 and a half days. This is the fault of the wm pharmacy I use. It was 'out' of it. How does a pharmacy run out of a such helpful and needed medication??

I am trying to write a story but I can't concentrate on it. I feel sleepy but I'm not sleepy.

I fear the upcoming days as it will be unrelentlessly sunny. UV streaming down and scorching the skins of pasty white people like me. I will simply go mad and get into the car and drive home without clocking out if I burn again in the sun.

I was unable to find a suitable hat to wear. I feel stupid wearing a hat. I have never had to wear a hat in any job I've had. Of course, I never worked outside like a common laborer. That means no disrepect to those who do agriculture or work on the highway. It's just I'm too stupid to do anything like that.

I wish I was Arthelius for real. He has no trouble getting love, or doing good, or being loved.

You don't see a message from my girlfriend on here. She never reads anything I write. That is hurtful and I tell her but she doesn't care. She doesn't care much about me at all. Why can't I just forget about her? I can't. If she doesn't love me, I love her.

It doesn't do much good.

My stupid body is in the general decline of life. I am 32 years old. While some say, "why, that's young..." It is not true. My prostatitis has taught me that I'm not much of a male at all.

Jen could change that. She won't even consider it.

It upsets me into thinking she doesn't love me. Is that wrong? Tell me, what relationship that is a year and four months old remains the same as it was when it began?

Mania does that to me. It is hard to get by on days like that. I just watch tv. That isn't good either.

I feel even more violated than I did when Dr. L did the DRE on me. Dr. E's DRE hurt a lot more. I don't fault Dr. E. He is older and more experienced than Dr. L. He is likely used to men who don't want a finger in their tail hole. I am like them. I DO NOT like it in the least.

And now, on Tuesday next, my rest day, I have to get a sonogram of my troublesome left testicle. What will that be like? Trust my peeny to embarrass me. It almost did with Dr. E.

This KY Yours and Mine thing. Grrrr. I first saw it in a display in the local Walgreens. Now tv commercials for it. If sex is such a basic part of human life, why does Jen seem oblivious to its benefits and resists any thought of it? And I thought I had problems. At least I do the m-thing and admit to it.

I'll be lucky if I don't hurt myself before the Celexa-clone reasserts its protection.

Painful Week

Naw, I don't care about Cinco de Mayo. I am a Texan and that has no meaning to me. (March 2nd anyone?) I hate/cannot eat Mexican food. My irascible stomach, abused by antibiotics and SSRI's can't take it. Never mind that they don't understand that. I hate peppers, and I always have. I hate the smell of them. But that was yesterday.

My time in the garden center has been one of confusion and pain, as I have gotten a severe sunburn on many parts of my head and neck. My cute face was spared by a frugal use of Cetaphil face lotion. I will use more in the future.

I just can't stand working there anymore.

The most ay ya moment came around 245 pm today when the urology doctor did another DRE on me. Gosh, I just don't understand how something so painful can be pleasurable to porn stars who do anal.

I must have a sonogram made of the troublesome left testicle also. That has yet to come but it may provoke an embarrassing reaction. I am not looking forward to that.

Even now my anal area hurts. TMI, I know but you can't understand until a doctor does that to you.

I do value this care, even if it is painful and I have to pay $$$ for it. It is sad that the urologist knows more about me than what passes for my normal doctor.

Ha ha, I have run out of the Celexa-clone. The neurological effects of not taking it should appear within a day the longer I do without it. It seems that my local wm pharmacy has run out of it. Great.

I shoulda went to Walgreen's.

Why all this bother about a genital system that doesn't get used for its intended purpose? Every day, I question my relationship with Jen. Religion is NO reason to keep one's virginity at 27. So what if she reads this?

I KNOW she has a sexual attraction to me. She just hides it unless I provoke her, which has been a few times. You just don't know, Jen, how that hurts me.

Not Good

I hate to say I didn't like it. I want to give it a chance but my experience today showed me, it was a mistake.

No 1. I dont know what the hell is going on and like people don't know either.

No. 2. I am dealing with plants I may be allergic to. I am picking up paving stones, tearing up hands that have enough problems on their own.

No. 3, I miss my friends already. They are why I stayed there.

I will talk to the she-demon about this but she will likely say to me, stow it. Like she cares.

I will leave that cesspit now. I have decided, it is in mental, emotional, and finacial interests that I should move to a wm closer to home.

Also, I am convinced that I am becoming more mentally ill. I need to see a psychologist or counselor.

Hopefully I can find a better way to deal with this ever deepening gulf of depression-anxiety than just the Celexa-clone. If not, I'd rather be committed as mentally ill.

Anxious

You know, I have a concern about my left testicle. Could be a normal thing. The ER doc seemed to think it was something but that was now a month ago. It is apparent when I wear briefs because it bulges out from the side of the normal bulge made by my peeny. That roils my anxiety somewhat. I have trouble peeing sometimes. That could be because I am pee shy. I go to the doc on 6th May so I will ask him. That will be another anxiety twisting moment. I don't like being naked in the prescence of another male. I don't care what the reason. I just don't like being that close to another male. That of course, may be entirely natural. I don't feel that way around any female.

Oh, and what is twisting the anxiety now? Tomorrow, I go to the Garden Center. I must use sunscreen. I will use Aveeno products if possible. They seem to work best for me. It might be hard work, but I don't mind that. I no longer work for the demon c*nt but some managers over there are creepy and unfriendly. I don't mind that either, as long as they stay off my case. I don't ever mind working for a male manager. He isn't so fiercely determined to prove himself.

Female managers who are sacrifice their feminine charm. They become salacious harlots who don't care about anyone. A female manager who is comfortable with herself is a good manager. That's true of anyone.

I will write a post tomorrow evening to tell ya'll how it went.

I am still a Safety Team member. I am a good associate. It goes unrecognized in a wm where no one succeeds by their own hard work.

No more about work.

I am more liable to write about the m-thing than that. Pray I don't.

LOL! :)

Bad Day Off, Then a Good One

Yesterday, the power was off. I mean, total gloom and discomfort here. No tv, no computer, no fan, no a/c. Gosh, we couldn't even cook anything.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling most of the day. I was listening to my radio that was powered by the batteries from my MSNTV2 keyboard. It was so lame.

I will forget that day because it was despairing and uncomfortable.

Oh, three more days until I go to the Garden Center. The anxiety is rising.

I got the new Madonna cd. Ay ya! So what if I like her so? I always have since I was a small kid in the early 80's. It would be even cooler if Timbaland stayed on his own records and Justin T. went off to be the no-talent cretin he is.

Today was nice. the power came back on and things were happening once again.

I slept badly last night. I am so sleepy now so I'm closing this post out.

Check out 'Give It 2 Me' by Madonna. It's wicked cool.

Just Awful

Yesterday, I guess I did something wrong and took out a pallet of beer and damaged a steel shelf it rested upon. I refuse to admit that I am the sole cause of this and there will be NO MORE said about this incident.

That said, I feel slightly better than the suicidal crush that accompanies the down part of my depressive cycle. I thank my doctor, and the Celexa-clone. It came just in the nick of time and calmed me down.

Three more days in that God-awful area of the cesspit.

I'm okay. Like my dear one said, 'it's okay'.

Yes, Jen, it is.

See ya'll later.

Soooo Tired

I busted my tail today and didn't get one complement.

I have to find a new job. I will go insane if I do not. Enough said.

I am sooooo tired. I don't know why. The meds or the constipation IU have because of the antibiotic, or because my system is breaking down. I do have chest pains sometimes and my head gets light. That ain't a good thing. This boy is no longer the solid boy he once was.

Terrible, really. I mean, people in general. There is too freaking many of us. The world was never meant to hold this many humans and it will take a great equalizer, like an asteroid imapct or pandemic flu or something like that to even things out. If I am caught up in it, oh well. My life means nothing anyway.

I have Social Phobia. It is managed by the Celexa-clone (properly citalopram hydrobromide), but but even it cannot stem the tide of discomfort I feel when stressed. I am not stressed on days off because I am free to avoid it. Not so at that cesspit.

I wish people would respect that. Hurting mentally is worse than physically hurting sometimes.

All that aside, I am fulfilling a long held goal soon. I will dye my hair a lovely shade of purple. Why? Why not? I think it looks cool. Purple to me doesn't mean a damn thing other than a compromise between my favorite color (blue) and my least favorite color (red).

I guess I need to go to sleep now. See you kids later.

Feeling Dizzily

I don't know if it is the meds or the lack of caffeiene but I feel soooo dizzily. Dizzily? What's that? Simply put, my mind is a frothy mush much like you might find in a DQ Blizzard after it melts a little.

I don't know if this is good for me. Then I get yelled at all day by people. Grrrrr! They can kiss my untannable ass. I don't know why I still exist, to be truthful but it sure ain't to be a catch net for a bitch fit.

I bought me some fit-over sunglasses finally. The Sun has been murder on my eyes as I drive to work. I do not care what people think. I cannot afford contact lenses and I really hate poking myself in the eyes to put them in. I wore them most of the year of '99. Always felt like something was in my eyes. Well, duh, genius, there was.

I hate wearing glasses but I have to. I am like majorly blurrily blind without them and I have zero depth perception and two different images for my mushy brain to process as both eyes are wildly different in focal points and sight.

Like my left eye is very noticeably worse than my right. The optometrist (eye doc) says that is typical. I have worn glasses since I was 12. Strangely, I could see fine before then, I thought.

Now I'm told that I am unattractive without them. Well, I guess so. I am a cutey and all.

I am dyeing my hair purple. I hope to go to a trance club and I will take my girlfriend because she complains that I never take her anywhere. She doesn't like trance music like I do but maybe she will once she sees the effect it has on people. Lol, it makes me drive faster like an idiot.

I wonder how purple hair on a relatively young guy would go over at wm. Like I care. I'm going to be working outside a lot in the garden center. I bought sunblock lotion and my sunglasses for this. I wanted to get SPF 70 but it was a spray and I don't know about that. I got Aveeno SPF 45. I'm like addicted to Aveeno. I use multiple products from them like the vital daily moisturizing lotion. I'll itch all day without it.

I don't care if you think that is effiminate of me. I have horribly dry skin. I carry hand lotion with me at work because my hands get cracky and will bleed. Like they care. I must protect myself a lot there, you know? I take the Celexa-clone to protect my mushy brain from there.

Never mind that my anxiety comes complete with a soul-crushing depression, shame and suicidal feelings. Funny how I didn't have it before I worked there. I have always been shy. The Celexa-clone brings me out of my shell if only for a few hours of the day.

I wear purple sometimes. Why? Why not? I think it looks good on me. If others don't like it, then they need to revise their opinions of themselves for being Philistines unworthy of the intelligence graced upon them.

I feel dizzily yes. I'd better go to sleep. See y'all kids later.

Pain Subsiding (I hope)

I have noticed a sharp decline in pain within either testicle, though that comes and goes. Also, the prostate itself seems to be behaving. I am not quite sure what appears to be blood in my pee is blood. The main stream is the bright yellow thanks to the Pyrida or whatever it's called I am taking for urinary pain. Within the stream is a diffuse red that disperses in the toilet wanter. If it was the med's effect, would it not have already mixed in the pee while it was still inside?

I only have enough Pyrida for two more doses. My pee should return to normal tomorrow night. Pain suppressed by the med may return. If the red persists in my pee, than it is blood and I will go to the ER.

It became certain today. I am becoming a Garden Center Associate. It promises to be hard work. I don't mind that. I am at last becoming free of that what grinds on my anxiety there.

I will not like working in that store no matter what job I have. I just do not like the town it is in or the facility itself, a monolithic structure dedicated to wm's greed.

Do I feel better emotionally? Hard to say. I'm so freaking sleepy because I hade no caffeine today. I won't make that mistake tomorrow. I don't care if my prostate won't like it. I reckon it will hurt no matter what I do.

For all you guys that don't know what a prostate is, buy a brain and use it to learn about your own bodies. 1 in 3 males will have prostate problems. I unfortunately am one of those who do.

Gosh, it knows I am talking about it. A pulse of pain just ran through it, an evil sensation across the inside of my groin, through the perineum, and the rectum.

TMI? Bwahaha! If you weren't so prudish, it wouldn't bother you.

Gotta go, a t-storm is raging outside. I hate them as much as I hate cantaloupes and I hate those wretched things.

Losing More than Hope

Ew, more melancholy to stain my new blog.

Really, though, I do not like even going to the doctor. I costs too much and I end up with worse than the normal anxiety. Having a digital rectal exam changed the way I look at going to the doctor. Mine is an older, very experienced doctor in a small town. He is more methodical than caring and I never once felt comfortable in his presence. He works in what can be described as a country clinic, a deceptively nice place full of apathetic women, a few caring nurses, and doctors who have been around longer than I've been alive, and that is 32 years.

My insurance, deceptively good BCBS, doesn't cover some things that should be basic. I mean, most of the time, the doc just asks questions, takes my temp and bp, and writes a prescription. Is throwing medicine at the problem the only way to treat it?

I don't know. I mean, I just don't care. My job is like a week in hell every week. The head manager of our side of the store is a demoness in a pretty skin. There is no care, it's apathy, maybe even malavolence there.

I almost committed suicide last year. Every day, I am growing to wish that I did. However, it was the Paxil that gave me the nerve to do it and I no longer take that awful med. I am a sorry excuse for a human male.

Contest this if you like.

My examples are, I do not have children. I spend my free time with my mind somewhere else, either writing or playing old Playstation games on this aging ps2. I don't go out unless it is to go to the store and even then, I like wearing purple sometimes and I don't like people to see me in that lest they think I am 'queer'. I am not. I have a girlfriend, but my relationship with her is a study of how NOT to conduct a relationship.

I won't blame Jen for that. It is my fault for not being clear with her. I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Maybe I will be a ghost when I am gone. For now, it is only online, sadly.

Simple? Not At All

My pain moderates, comes and goes. My testicle is still swollen and there is blood in my pee. Tell me that something is not wrong. I went into panic mode when I saw that blood. I went and told my manager (only known as R here) and she said that is bad but did not offer any compassion or to let me go.

The last four times I have peed, the blood has faded away, but is still there. I have come to dread urinating. It is shockingly yellow and tinted red-orange. This is because of Phenazopyrid, a urinary painkiller that the ER doc precribed for me. The blood is because of ??? I am being sent to an urologist by my regular doc.

I cannot do the M-thing. The secretions involved are all tinted this disturbing yellow color. Besides that, my scrotum hurts on the left side (even now as I sit here). Think my employers care? Like Matt says. They don't care if you live or die.

My friend Devin had a heart condition. He was like 21 years old. Last year, he collapsed and died right behind the meat market cooler door. What did they do? Nothing. They posted a picture of him and made little ribbons.

The people I have come to absolutely despise did nothing and they are in charge.

What if I am redered sterile by this? Unlikely. There is nothing wrong with my right testicle. A darker prospect is prostate cancer. My maternal grandfather died of it. But I will ask the doctor about that.

Why shouldn't I be sad? Why did this happen?

I am off for the next 2 days. Maybe it'll be better as the meds take effect.

I imagine I will nap a lot. Seems that I do that more often these days.

Sad Ghost

The ER doc said take a few days off. His paper says so. However, wm won't accept it just because it isn't a wm form. This is the straw, so to speak. The decision has been made. I am leaving that putrid cesspit. I do not wish to leave wm. That is all about that. No rancor in this blog.

I am sad because of that. Because my left testicle is swollen and hurts. I cannot sit for any amount of time because of it and gosh, try wearing jeans. The shocking yellow-orange pee is disturbing. I thought it would be cool but not anymore.

My suidical thoughts are coming back because of this and because of that thing mentioned in the fore of this post. I cannot do my usual to relieve them. I hurt too bad.

Nobody cares. Sure, no one wants to hear that. However, it is true.

I wish my friend Matt was right. How easy it is to leave. But it is not. I face the dark prospect of not seeing my girlfriend a lot. That may be for the better. She and I have a frosty relationship that really never changes. Maybe she will thaw a little if she didn't see me only at work.

Iwant to go crawl into a shell and not come out. That is my anxiety talking. It is powerful and governs what and how I do things. Odd that it remained complacent when I stood half naked while the doctor did an exam. I guess pain overrides that.

I came up with Arthelius the Ghost because I saw that as a fitting end for my rp character, but also, I kinda want to be him. Consigned to an ever annoying chore, watching over the peoples, offering dry advice and odd humor.

The reality of my life would stain this blog. I won't speak of it here.

I feel sad, yet again. Maybe the Celexa-clone will wash it away.

I hope so.

Ay ya in the ER

I went to the hospital I was born in to see to this infection. My scrotum/left testicle are swollen in addition to the prostate pain.

The ER doctor was congenial and cool. I did not feel threatened by him at all, not like my normal doc. Why go to the ER? It's a weekend and it was at 10 pm. Genius. No thanks to wm. Uncaring bastards. Let's see them eat the 4-day relief from work courtesy of the cool doc.

What he did, ha ha. So I'm half naked, wearing only my shirt. He had a look at my genitals, then my scrotal area and actually squeezed both testicles. That is how I know the left one is swollen. That felt extremely uncomfortable whereas the right one was fine. I never had a test like that. I kinda thought it was fun.

That's weird, I know. At least someone paid attention to what is ordinarily a good piece of equipment.

It hurts awfully, especially when I pee. The meds he gave me, he said, will turn said pee funny colors and not to be alarmed by that. I'm not. I think it will be cool.

Oh, and Arthelius does have a peeny. He just hides it under a spectral robe.

Gosh, all I got is Hanes. I'm envious, lol.

The ER in my hometown was kinda dead. Just like my hometown at night. I miss that place.

Right. This ghost needs to eat something. See ya'll later.

Oh, Hurting....

My usual peculiar humor escapes me today. I don't mean to be sour. I called a nurse line and one asked the questions relating to prostatis. She asked me something that not even my doctor asked or saw on me the last time this happened. 'Are your testicles swollen or tender?'

To be truthful, I never thought about that. I am not usually aware of my testicles for whatever reason unless something touches them. Now, yes, the scrotal sack is swollen slightly. Both of the gonads are tender. Ew, TMI? No, KMA, because this is my blog.

Naw, peeny ain't involved. Unless pee pressure builds and presses in the sore prostate or the urethra that goes through it. The genius solution to this is not to drink anything so I don't pee. This is both foolish and dangerous. I am getting sicker because of that and this condition affects my whole body. It may be a bacterial infection, which I have just got over one in my respiratory system. I feel that pain again. I feel awful.

I watch my pee intently. I expect blood in it at any time. It scares me because if my prostate is damaged, then I will never have children.

That is unlikely. The body is a resilient thing.

Ew, for real. I can't wear snugly fitting underwear, which I like to do. My scrotal area is sore and hurts when touched. Just try taking a shower with that. I won't wear boxers. I hate them. I like trunks and mid-rise underwear best. At any given time, it is usually the same or a close color match to my shirt.

Now, it hurts. I must see a doctor. I can't get time off from that putrid cesspit I work in. I have no money at the moment.

It's all stupid.

I wish I was really a Jedi ghost.

A Hard Day

Life today leaves one to think that nothing matters. I mean, oh man, my prostate is hurting again. Try to pee with that. It's like the pee is acid and burns. Sometimes, I lose feeling in my peeny. That is not so worrisome. The darn thing has embarrassed me in the past. So what if it goes offline for a while? It ain't like me and Jen are that kind of couple.

Ah, how personal. A ghost's peeny? Does he even have one? Arthelius won't say.

I said I won't write about work here and I won't. All I'll say is that working in 18th Century London as a chimney sweep or factory worker was better. Ew, chanmber pots. Watch out when walking under the windows, chap.

Really, though, it is hard to do anything when one hurts. This feeling affects my whole body. Never mind that malaise the Celexa-clone brings. It is worse on my days off. It's like going days without sleep despite sleeping for 11 hours that night before.

Oh, problems. When was the last time I felt good?

I can't quite remember but I'm positive Jen was involved. She works better than any med in helping me. That is why I value her so. Love is like that.

I'll get through another week, I suppose. Unless there is blood in my pee. I am morbidly fascinated by that. In one aspect, that would be kinda cool.

Now tell me that I am not mentally ill?

Bwahahaha!

Hello

Hello. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Gregory. I am in my early 30's and I work in a putrid cesspit den of iniquity that bills itself as the greatest of all wm's. That is hardly the case.

This blog isn't about that. That drivel belongs on my Myspace blog. This is the one I have wanted to make for a long time now.

The whole ghost thing comes from how I feel when I have the shyness that is one main component of my diagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder, or Social Phobia. It is a devastating condition and is managed by generic Celexa, which has solemnent side effects, making my mind feel like mush 2 to 5 hours after I take it, usually around 11:30 AM and PM.

Arthelius is the name of the ghost of my dead role play character, known back then as Jedi-Gregory. He mainly haunts a scrubland cave on a dusty planet in the Empress Teta star system. Or rather, a silly online persona.

In the crushing ways of reality, I am a nobody scrub. I have a scrub job. My girlfriend, my dear one, one whom I love more than most things, is as cold as anywhere in the Kuiper Belt.

What is this about? Oh, just ramblings, I suppose. I am literate and try to keep up with things, when Celexa-clone isn't pulling me into the trippy 'don't care' mode. That makes for an excellent nap time.

I'll try to keep this up to date. When my pc, or rather, Vista, decides to cooperate.

Take care, my friends.