Anxiety Today

I did not sleep well. I have anxiety problems. Fucking holidays.

I get so upset, it's not funny. Do you honestly think I like writing about this poison strangling my soul?
I get super-sensitive when I feel anxiety.

It just is so hard.

Enough.

I could talk about astronomy, my stories, the fact that I have an issue with my underwear.

Or things I want to do, go to a beach this year. Do I look good in my Speedo? Eh, not like I used to.

Anxiety helps me in that one way. So you went to a nudist colony, male reaction would be you know. I'd feel anxiety which retracts everything.

It stays retracted a lot more than it used to because my prostate still hurts all the time. That never went away. In some ways, it is worse.

So to hell with a holiday and the fake cheer they bring. How is a date on the calendar a holiday? We could live on a planet like some of those extrasolar ones who zip around their parent star in hours. How would a year be measured then?

Time is a perception. The reality is entropy.

I'm no physicist. I took biology classes to help my writing. The further I get from that, the less creative I have become. I do have resolutions, one is to always learn more. Another is to restore my T levels and feel good again. The biggest one of all, is to get help for my anxiety.

It's going to kill me if left untreated. I worry about this a lot.

Why do you read this? What do you care? You, as other people, are part of the problem

Earth in Spore

Not everyone finds it. It is a pain in the tail to search a whole galaxy to find one particular sun.

But if you know how, it isn't so hard and can be amusing. I am talking about the Space Stage of Spore.

I have had Spore since it came out. I have been playing it occasionally since. It amuses me. I also like making stuff.

I flew my spaceship thing to the moon and reversed the camera view (by spinning the ship around) and caught this Earth eclipse with the Sun.

I took a picture of it:

 

 

You can see my Spore page here.

New Year

What does New Year Day mean to you?

It doesn't mean a thing to me. Most days don't. But why should a date on a calendar be a holiday? I have never understood this.

I will probably be hungry then, it is near the day of the month I get paid, which always seems to happen. This must stop!

I don't eat well when there is something to eat. Processed foods, fast food, I like pasta a lot. Others here do not.

I don't know what really will happen if food is more expensive because of congressional inaction. I can't afford it as it is. Going to get groceries always costs $200 no matter what we buy. It has been true for the last four months.

My cholesterol and other levels are okay but I only eat once a day. I don't know how this affects my health.

I have some pasta, sauce, chicken bullion. I can make something, you know.

I should be okay. I get bad anxiety ruffling thinking about going hungry. I never have in my life. Why start now?

Sleeping

I sleep in the daytime. This has a lot to do with anxiety, but also conditions here.

I have slept on the same bed since I was a teenager. Yes, I need a new one rather badly but just never could get a new one for whatever reason.

I sleep on a twin sized bed. I have never had sex on my bed or in my room, it was always in far away places.

I have to have the radio on. This comes from when I was a kid, being a lonely kid, I used to fear nuclear war and other things. I mean, it was the 80s. I have always had the radio on, always will.

This past day, the station I listen to was on 'low power'. Right. You cause me anxiety by not broadcasting? I can't sleep without the radio. If it goes off, I wake up. It is always the same.

I wear a t-shirt, sweatpants, and socks when I sleep. This is for several reasons, not the least being it is cold in here this time of the year.

I prefer tight fitting briefs as things happen to a male when he sleeps. I am not different from this.

I haven't had a sexual reaction when I sleep since I was a teenager. It just doesn't work like it used to.

I have critically low T levels. I wonder if I do get treatment for this, will that change how my sex works?

I don't know. I feel like sleeping all the time. I don't actually like sleeping. I seem to live in two worlds, the dream world and the banal misery of my life.

I actually have friends in the dream world. Those in my real life are not real friends, no one direct contacts me.

This sounds silly, I know. I don't recall a lot of what happens in the theater of the neocortex. Perhaps a good thing.

I am successfully avoiding the holiday bs which depresses me. Why does it depress me? The Jen Effect. It will always hurt.

I go to sleep around 7am every day. Likely wake up between 3 and 5 pm. Who really cares when I sleep? You don't like me when I am awake.

Ar-Ghost is a ghost, he doesn't have to sleep. Lucky him.

No Cuts This Time

Another post about shaving. I wore my Hanro underwear this day. It is comfortable. I will post a picture of it in another post.

For a long time, I seem to irritate the fuck out of my neck when shaving. I cannot see when I shave under my chin, see, I go by feel. Go back over a rough spot over and over until it is smooth.

Otherwise, I did not cut my cheeks or upper lip or my chin. Tell me, do you like these pictures?

Holiday Sadness

Over my adult life, when I started to lose hope of a family of my own, I came to dread the holiday season.

I don't like holidays. I don't like commercialism. I mean, my distant ancestors held a pagan winter festival this time of the year. Commercialism has changed that.

I feel sad when commercials on the tv constantly bombard one with the reminders of how great kids are or getting that gift for your loved one.

I don't have a loved one.

My anxiety disorder makes it incredibly hard to go outside. Well, yes, I do go to the store, at night, but that is only because I have to.

I want to do things like see the ocean again, to go see some friends, to see how much familiar places from long ago have changed. I would like to see the GG Bridge for myself. I have heard about it my whole life.

Now do you really think I can go to California? I can't deal with going to the capital of the state I live in. Pure panic when I was there last week.

No, I have a loveless life and that is slowly destroying me. I doubt seriously any female will take an interest in me, or that my anxiety will let her in.

I don't like the holidays. They are almost over. I can celebrate January 12th as Ar-Ghost Day, a totally random day to say, yes, I am still here.

Anxiety hasn't killed me... yet.

Not Sick... Yet

I just came back from the diabetes doctor. I do not have it but I have some disturbing deficiencies and my BMI is a little too high, not much but I shouldn't have a high BMI.

There is a naked picture of me on my nudie blog but you will have to e~mail me for permission to see it.

I will change my diet, take the necessary vitamins and get health insurance so I can pay for the treatment plan to restore my health.

I don't feel so well at the moment. I'll write more later.

Maybe Shaving Earlier is Better

I shaved earlier than I normally do as my appointment with the diabetes doctor is tomorrow. Once again, I was in my black MeUndies underwear. This is not a bad thing. I look good in them.

I may be a little chunky but I have a male physique and don't look that bad. I don't know about posting an underwear picture here. Would those who read my blog like such a thing?

I did not hurt myself shaving too much. I was careful and it was not so hard to cut for the razor. The Aveeno yet again helps so much.

Have a look at how I did.

I should mention for the past few days, I have had a troubling headache in the front part of my skull. Looking at bright things makes it worse. It does not hurt all the time, maybe because it could be vascular. My family has a history of aneurysms, so this does worry me so. Tylenol is helping so it may not be that. I just don't know.

Glasses Stress

You've seen enough pictures of me to know that I wear glasses. Have since I was 12. I am strongly myopic (near-sighted) and cannot see without them.

When I woke up this afternoon, I couldn't find them. I take them off when I sleep, have to, only a fool would sleep with them on. They could easily get broken that way.

When I sleep, I keep my glasses in a hard shell eyeglass case that I received with my last pair of glasses. I normally put it on the top of my bed's headboard, near where my radio is.

However, when I went to sleep this morning, I must have not done that. I woke up and couldn't find it and panicked. Oh, fuck, I cannot see without my glasses, everything's one big blur and there's no depth perception.

If I go without them for very long, a headache would form. Do you know how it feels when your eyes hurt? It sucks for real.

Not that my glasses are all that. They constantly slide down my rather oily nose (thanks Dove) and distort the focal point of my vision. This causes eye strain and gives me a headache. Staring at a white screen like most of the internet is also gives me a headache. I can change WordPerfect X5 to the ancient blue of its first versions which doesn't hurt my eyes.

I hate not being able to see. In the times I had sex, I couldn't see the female I was with. I do not know how Malee looks naked, I couldn't see her. My first gf. I remember vaguely. That was 14 years ago. Hopefully if I have another, I can see her.

The male mind is visually stimulated. I know this from personal experience.

Another thing about glasses.

They are damned expensive. This pair I wear presently cost in the neighborhood of $400. And that was with two different discounts they gave me because I have been a customer there since I was a teenager.

My vision is not getting progressively worse the eye doctor said. In fact, it is not as bad as the last time I went. I do not know what is going on with that. I can't see distant things nor can I wear normal sunglasses. I have a fit over kind that I didn't like at first but I took to them. I'll post a picture of me with them on if anyone asks.

I am developing a glaucoma said the eye doctor. I may be increasingly blind as I age if nothing changes in the field of eye health.

No thank you to eye surgery. My vision problem is not related to the lens or cornea, it is the shape of my eyes. Can't change that.

No thank you to contacts. I hate poking myself in the eye. A lifelong resistance ingrained in us at an early age, do not poke yourself in the eye.

More than that, I look funny without my glasses. They have been part of my identity for so long.

I am prone to allergy itching, tearing up. Nothing is worse than smoke or the dairy vault in the back of a grocery store (stocking milk makes me sneeze always).

I also have emotive feelings sometimes when I am stressed or I am confronted with something emotional.

My eyes are blue, usually red because I do not sleep all that well. My bed is uncomfortable but that is a topic for a separate post.

I have been getting head pain from my glasses not being in place on my face. I can't take Tylenol every day. It's bad for ya.

Taking out the Garbage

I have to take out the garbage occasionally. I hate it so. It is usually heavy and I have to walk over 100 yards down a hill to get to the dumpster.

I am a sedentary person. I don't exercise like I should, though I suspect the diabetes doctor I will see next Wednesday will tell me to do so or else suffer worse.

Using muscles I don't ordinarily use anymore, I become tired and sore. I must become more active.

I shouldn't weigh 158 lbs. But I do.

When I was taking the garbage out, I had my mp3 player on. 'Metal Gods' by Judas Priest played. YES! Excellent song for what I was doing. Just because I like electronica music best does not mean I don't like the metal from when I was a kid or even some new metal.

Do you have an occasional ordeal like this? Do you listen to music when you do? I mean, a lot of people don't live over 100+ yards from the trash receptacle.

I suspect when I am older, I will be on my own finally and won't generate so much garbage. Since I order stuff instead of going to the store because of my anxiety disorder, boxes tend to build up. I hate that. I dealt with enough cardboard in my years as a grocery stocker.

Arthelius the Ghost is back from his trip to the Great Attractor. He says, 'Gravity is a bitch.'

No kidding, dude.

Bothered

I am upset with the people who read this blog. I restricted it for a few days and let them not see.

No requests to read my blog have come in. I don't know what you people in foreign countries want from me.

What are you looking for here? Why pay attention to my blog, when in the first few years of it, no one came here to see what I wrote.

No one leaves a comment. You people could give less of a care about me or my opinions.

I express my pain sometimes, so what? It is MY blog.

I will unblock it soon, and see who reads this. I may forever block it if no one leaves a comment given as many people who reads my blog, from Russia, the UK, China or wherever else you are.

Yes, it bothers me, a lot, actually.

Getting Better at Shaving

I had a hard time shaving this week. It was cold. I was in my Me Undies black underwear. I don't want to get my clothes wet, that's misery.

As again, I used Aveeno everything. I have a shaving cream bowl and a brush but even the brush was cold.

Anyway, here is the result. I made one mistake but it's not bad.

80s Music

I like 80s music. I did not get a chance to hear it when it was new as I was a child then and all my parents would listen to was Country.

I listen to it now and find inspiration in it that could have been relevant in the Jen time in my life. That girl still bothers me years after we broke up. I don't want to see or hear from her anymore. Non-entity.

Broke my heart and still it refuses to heal. I left wm indirectly because of her. I have been unemployed for nearly 4 years, though my anxiety disorder precludes me from working anymore.

I have no hope for a new girlfriend. I doubt that my anxiety would let her in. It also lends credence to the idea that all girls are inherently cruel, knowing the power they wield over a male heart.

I listen to 80s music because it is better than that worse than the algal scum that builds up on one's aquarium that passes for new music now.

Real talent, real melody and real songwriting.

I like Trance most, I love chill, and I listen to a rock station on the radio.

Ha ha, Jen hated Trance and chill. Good. Should have known then she wasn't the girl for me, despite the fact we had a lot of other things in common.

Now, no love in my life.

I don't think of it much anymore. Kinda lost hope. I can love vicariously through the characters in my stories.

Could this change? Yes, love is a healing power.

It's Funny

It's funny that a post about Genetically Modified Foods gets the most looks of a single post in the over 5 year history of my blog.


I read Scientific American, have since I was a kid. I have a subscription to it. I listen to what it says.

That is not to say that I blindly have faith in scientists, anything is just a human guess most of the time.

I don't understand why people are afraid. Organic food? Really? It costs more and it is NOT any better for you than processed food. I would rather eat processed foods that have been checked by QA and have standards to follow.

Why do you care?

I have submitted a blood sample to a diabetic screening clinic. If I have Type 2 Diabetes, which is uncertain because I don't meet all of the criteria for it, I will have to change my diet. It does not mean I will become vegetarian nor does it mean I will give up the sweetness I value.

I will know this coming 18th.

If you think that modern food is bad, what of what our ancestors ate? I am of Northern European descent and they had some horrible things in their diet.

I won't eat wild game. Say, in this area, the hunting of white-tailed deer is big. This yields venison which is popular. I don't like it. I don't want any.

Watch PETA videos of what happens to chickens in 'factory' farms. It is sad. It makes you sick, knowing living creatures are subjected to all of those awful things before a not always clean death.

It's almost enough to make one give up eating chicken, almost.

I won't. Those chickens are not natural galliform avians. They have been selectively bred for generations to make a creature that cannot exist in nature. Having larger than normal breast flesh, weak legs, etc...

I do feel bad for them but I can't do anything about it and why give up something that I like?

Why is it so interesting when I write about food?

I'd rather write about how lonely I am, or why the weather is colder than normal, but no. I am just provoked by this interest in something you or I can do nothing about.

Rather Cold

Well, here it is, more bitching about the cold.

Tell me, what is wrong with this?




I mean, the 'normal' is over 15 degrees warmer than this for this date.

This is a snap of my WeatherBug, which I have used for years and keep a close eye on often.

The cold keeps the ice that fell frozen on the ground, slippery, dangerous. It has all but paralyzed North Texas. It's not that bad here, it is just fucking cold.

Cold hurts. My feet go numb, my prostate seems to lock up, making it hard to pee. Although that could be caused by the stress caused by this unnatural chill.

I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to and that often isn't for more than a few moments. I can go to the store but only to familiar places.

I stay by the heater and dry my skin out. Err, itchy. And all parts of me get dry. I am not ashamed to use Dove soap. I use the sensitive kind as I am allergic to some soaps, particularly laundry detergents (Tide, especially)

I have warm clothes to wear. It is okay. Maintaining water drip here to protect the water pipes. I went to take my bath last night and the hot water was frozen up.

Standing naked in the tub, shivering in a cold bathroom, it was not fun. The water did flow after a few moments, after all, it is hot. It seems to get hotter when it is cold. I don't know what is up with that.

The last time it was this cold, I worked in the wm garden center. Going out to help process a Christmas tree, to which I am seriously allergic. Although, that was in the high 30s, not this low 20s bs. That is -4 C, you know.

It should warm enough tomorrow to melt this accursed ice and maybe no one will slip and bust their tail. That hurts, I know.

Hopefully this winter malaise is a fluke and the jet stream will shift and deflect it from the south. You ever notice, few weather people show the jet stream anymore. How do you think storms and fronts progress across the continent?

I would have been a weatherman had I not have the inability to do math. That has affected me a lot of times. It's sad.

If the ice is there in the morning, I will take a picture of it and post it here. I hope it is not.

I miss the sunshine.

GM Foods

Here is what I think of Genetically Modified Foods.

Using science to increase crop yields to feed what is becoming a human disaster that numbers in the billions and counting is not, I repeat not a bad thing.

Using science to improve water absorption is not a bad thing. Nor is using science to resist pests like insects or mold.

Using science to modify nature is a natural outcome to what has been going on for thousands of years since the dawn of agriculture.

I do not believe ADM or Monsanto are evil. Sure, there are bad things about them. But there are bad things about all big corporations, GE, Walmart, etc...

You try to come up with a solution to feed the billions of naked apes that frankly overburden the earth.

Don't accuse me of contributing. I, nor did anyone else, ask to be born. I do not have children and likely never will.

In that way, my anxiety disorder protects me.

Do GM foods bother me? No. I mean, people of my generation and younger have been eating processed foods for our entire lives. Doesn't it show?

You want to attack a company that is evil? How about the News Corporation and its fruitcake moronic drivel machine, the Faux News Channel.

If this is unpopular, it's okay. I don't want people offended by that reading my blog.

TS Madi

This is Tropical Storm Madi, making its way up toward the Asian Subcontinent. That's Sri Lanka and India in the picture.


Just because Atlantic Hurricane Season ended on 30th of November, the weather never ends. If it did, we would probably suffer and die rather quickly.

I do not know much about this particular storm, it looks well set in and likely will be a typhoon or hurricane or cyclone, it's all the same thing.

I hope no one is hurt by it but knowing storms in that part of the world, it likely will be awful. I guess this makes up for a rather weak hurricane season domestically.

This is an RGB image from one of NOAA's satellites. I choose that wavelength because it gives a beauty to what is otherwise awful.

Think So?

What are you people looking for in this blog?

I write about the sad process that is my life. Are you that interested? Why not be my friend?

I can hold forth on many topics, I am going to speak about GMO foods some time. Not today, I had a panic attack earlier and I don't feel like talking that much.

Animals

I am not so big on animals. I mean, we are all children of the planet. Unless you believe the Lavos theory put forth in the Chrono Trigger/Cross story.

My favorite animal is the cheetah. Why? I like cats, yes, but this cat is ideally suited for what it does, carved by evolution for this purpose. Yes, the cheetah affirms belief in evolution. Its spotted yellow hide is cool as well.

I have another favorite animal. I saw one in the SA Zoo when I was a kid. The sad tale of the polar bear. As human activity fucks up the planet's hydrological and climate systems, the arctic thaws more every year. This beast, an ideal predator, is losing territory. They aren't fit for life on the open sea nor where it is warm. The poor polar bears may be gone when I am elderly.

I like their white fur, ultraviolet absorbing dark skin, their claws and bears are cool to look at. Another creature shaped by evolution to adapt to its environment.

I will talk about GMO food and the like later.

Imminent Cold Hell

It's coming. Well, it's 75 F outside at the moment, fine day tomorrow and then the bottom falls out. You can bet your sweet tail I am getting a heater when I go to the store later.

Shaving

I hate shaving. I also hate body hair. As a male with androgen poison in my blood, I constantly grow hair in all places where hair grows on a person. What the fuck is it for? Humans lost their mammalian fur in the distant past. It doesn't keep us warm and is generally unsightly.

I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. I used Aveeno face wash before, Aveeno Positively Smooth shaving cream during and Aveeno aftershave lotion after. Why Aveeno? It helps and I have sensitive skin.

Shaving hurts. Without Aveeno, it burns. I also am prone to getting cut because I either press too hard or can't see because it is beyond the rim of my glasses.

I shave other parts with a Philips-Norelco Bodygroom electric razor bought directly from the Dutch Philips Co. This one is better than my old one but my scrotum doesn't like it, it bites if one isn't careful.

I don't shave totally, my arms, under arms are excepted because it is too much trouble. My Bodygroom has an extension attachment to reach hard to get places, this is invaluable.

Here, have a look, just how shaving ends with cuts on my face.

Anyone?

Who reads what I post? Why? People from foreign countries read this. Do you speak English? What do you see here?

I kinda find it insulting when people read something and do not comment. What is the resistance? Are you afraid?

I write about how the cold hurts. It's not cold at the moment in here.

I write about my male pain, yes, it's there. It's always there.

I write about the weather, it fascinates me.

I write about things that interest me.

I don't really care for writing a post like this but please, if you will, comment and say 'hi' or something.

Arthelius is not back from his trip to the Great Attractor. Takes a while to travel 20 million light-years, you know.

Suffer Cold

I could bitch about the cold in my blog like I have been doing but really, I suffer in it.

There is no heat in my room. It pretty much flows with the temperature, though thankfully, doesn't get lower than the low 50's.

It is 30 degrees outside as I write this, radiational cooling through the clear sky into outer space. I reckon the stars are beautiful but I am not going to freeze my tail off by going out there.

It should warm up in the next few days, until la arctica sends another frigid package our way, which is looking likely in the long range forecast.

What is causing this? Seasonal procession? The Sun? Gaseous emissions from industry, cars, cows and people? I do not know.

I am also feeling kinda lonely, the holidays do that, you know.

That is why I hate them so.

Accursed Cold

If you read this blog, and some do, I know, you know that I HATE cold weather. It hurts. My hands and feet go numb in the cold, ice cold.

An unnatural cold airmass seems to have parked itself over our beloved Tx. I mean, 35 in the daytime? I can't remember when this happened in the past few winters and the thing is, it is not even winter yet! Not for a little under a month!

Ice storm gripping West Tx as I write this. It will be here later. I don't go anywhere so it is a non-issue, well, travel wise. It will be so cold.

Haven't seen the Sun in a few days. Get more upset on a primal level the longer sunlight is not felt, even on a pale hide like mine.

I don't know when this unnatural coldness will end. Maybe it will be 80 again soon, I sincerely hope.

I remember when I was a kid, it was like 5 degrees outside. I haven't really seen that since. I hope I never do.

One Year Older

Today is my birthday. I don't like birthdays. I am getting older. In fact, my facial hair is mostly gray. I am not 'old' yet, being only 38, but I am closer to it than I am to those wonderful days in the early 80s when I was loved.

I sleep in the daytime so I missed a lot of my b-day. I received many well wishes and that was nice. People haven't forgotten, not that FB would let you forget.

I have been writing, playing Final Fantasy XII. I watched a few movies.

My life is not exactly worthy, I mean, what do I contribute? I am on SSI even. What shame is this?

Can't be like Arthelius, he's ageless. He's off traveling again, visiting the Great Attractor. Not bad for a ghost.

Crazy Weather

Snipped from the National Weather Service:

    Tonight Mostly clear, with a low around 32. South southeast wind 5 mph.

Thursday Increasing clouds, with a high near 63. South wind 5 to 10 mph.

     Friday Mostly sunny, with a high near 70. South wind 5 to 10 mph.

 Saturday Mostly sunny, with a high near 79. South southwest wind 10 to 20 mph, with gusts as high as 25 mph.

  Sunday Mostly sunny, with a high near 85. South southwest wind 10 to 15 mph becoming west northwest in the afternoon. Winds could gust as high as 20 mph

 

 

It is really cold now, has been for two days, first freeze of our season. I hate cold weather, it hurts and I feel very uncomfortable.

 

Yet by Sunday, it will be quite all right. But big wind is not fun either.

 

How does this affect seasonal dependent things? Go from 80s to freezing for a couple of days, then back to 80s again?

 

What is going on? The weather is fucked up, you are willfully ignorant if you disagree. Whether it is Global Warming or Climate Change or the beginning of a new Ice Age, I cannot say. Something has changed, that is all I know.

 

Is it the Sun's fault? The arbiter of life on Earth and possibly other locations in the Solar System, the Sun is the be-all and end-all of life and vitality in our local biome.

 

Supposed to be highly active in its 11-year cycle, it hasn't been. What is its problem?

 

Too many questions. The weather is no joke.

Typhoon Haiyan in Google Earth

This is Typhoon Haiyan, an extremely powerful cyclonic storm about to make life difficult in the Philippines.

This beast is dangerous.


I hope people respect the storm and take cover.

Changing Diet

I have thought about it for several years now. it started when I worked at walmart.

I know red meat is bad for us humans. Lions and such thrive on it, good for them.

I would become semi-vegetarian if I could. I won't give up chicken. My diet is largely vegetarian anyway. I like granola bars and chips and a certain kind of pizza, vegetable soup and salad.

But as long as I live with my family, not my own family, I have no wife or children, but my parents, I cannot change my diet. They have to have red meat in every meal.

Red meat. I wiped out my ss in one day, Nov 1st, the first was the $193 grocery bill, $70 to $100 of it red meat. $16 for a fucking roast. I hate roast. Why do I do this? I don't want to cause a conflict. I respect those whom I love.

One day, I will cut red meat from my diet. I can get by on chicken, occasionally fish. Never did have fish all that often when I was younger. Just wasn't bought or whatever.


Since I cook the most now, I should be able to control what I cook. I hate cooking meat. I prefer to bake things. Shake and Bake chicken breast is great.
I can also bake it with Italian spices and tomatoes to make a different thing.

I put canned chicken in my pasta. I don't like dark meat chicken and am careful to choose wisely.

I want to try pita again. I did when I worked at wm. Now that I have an income again, I can do things like that. Funny, my ss benefit is about $12 more than what I made at wm in a month. But then, I don't have a health insurance deduction and that is going to eat on me when I get Silver level BCBS in January.

If I don't change my diet, I will need health insurance for the damage red meat is doing to my body.

I don't know if the diet I have is hurting my prostate, something is. I have to go back to urology eventually.

Oh, sugar. My sweet tooth will be the end of me, I just know it.

Difference

For a long time, like when I was a kid in the 80s, it was like a dire insult to be called 'queer'. I have seen and been in fights that followed.

But as I got older, I was cute in that way as a teenager. People assume I was and am like that. They mistake my anxiety disorder for that.

I have misandry. How could I possibly like another guy like that? I don't feel attracted to other guys. I don't like that. What I am attracted to is female.

Certain females, like Mia Magma in the October issue of PH, that is what I like.

But the question that if you see a gay person, what would you think? I don't care, it is not my business nor is it my right to judge.

In Oakland this past Monday, a non-binary gendered teenager was set on fire on a city bus. What the hell? What gives people the right to do such a thing? It makes me so angry, intolerance and hate. Haven't we learned sensitivity for LGBT people? They are people too.

I am Texan, yes, but I am mildly liberal in beliefs. I believe everyone should be afforded the same respect and dignity. I don't understand the hurtful beliefs of conservative people. I believe they are willfully ignorant or just plain stupid.

No, I did not vote for Cruz. I have never voted for a re-stupid-can and never will.

I hope this burn victim, Sasha, will be okay.

Hate and intolerance should not be acceptable in any culture.

I have talked in my blog before about people who are that way. They don't bother me. It is just difference.

Ill Humor

I have been told that I lack a sense of humor all my life. I am a sensitive guy. I am over-sensitive actually.

I find some things funny, WWE Raw, for example. Or certain voices in the Spore game. I don't find crude humor that funny.

Most jokes do not amuse me. What amuses me are funny pictures and situations.

A long time ago, when I was on WebTV, I received a spam e~mail that showed a sad teddy bear, which had a small peena. He then used a vacuum cleaner hose on his and it got big. I thought that was funny. I wish I could have saved it.

Spam isn't like that no more. It is bunch of bs now. My peena is 7 inches when excited, I don't need enhancement. I don't need an auto loan, nor do I want to waste bandwidth on online porn.

Some spam is irritating, like female specific ones. I am not female. If I was, I'd find peena enhancement spam irritating. I'm sure many do.

People don't like that about me, my ill humor. I don't mean it, it's just the way I am.

Night Chill

It is getting colder at night. I am a night creature. I sit here in the stillness and it is easier to write and enjoy my music now.

I have a hard time in the cold. I get cold so easily. It also has effects on my body, especially my feet, which get ice cold.

It also affects my peena. I will post a picture of it if you want to see it. I'm not shy like that.

Better

I don't feel so bad.

I have been hungry, eating once a day. I mean, I had a frozen pizza from dinner. This is what happens when one is paid once a month.

Fortunately, that time of the month is nigh. I think ahead about food. I get stressed if I have uncertainty in food.

I hate eating anymore, it makes me feel icky. But if I do not, I feel worse.

I am content with simple things. I don't like fried food unless it is chicken. I hope to have some chicken as it is a rare thing anymore.

If I don't quit drinking this sugar-laden tea, there will be consequences. My DNA report said I am susceptible to Type II Diabetes. Hard to imagine with a lightweight like me.

Hate

I don't hate anyone. I don't have contact with many people on a daily level, being agoraphobic.

I have enmity, for Jen, but that was because she hurt me. I don't hate her.

I have a strong dislike to some others.

But who reads my blog? From foreign countries? Would it kill you to leave a comment? You can do so anonymously.

I am growing to strongly dislike this whole thing. Life. None of it matters. I fight a daily battle not to go outside, strip to my underwear and hang myself from a tree.

Goodness knows I have thought of it often.

Personal Concern

This post concerns my genitals, so you may not want to read it.


I have talked about the m-thing before. I do it usually every 2 days because it hurts my prostate. However, as Dr. H said, I have to do it to clear the prostate or else I get a bacterial infection and those are never good.

So, starting about two weeks ago, as I was excited, I noticed a swollen blood vessel, nerve or some other tube like thing that hurts to touch on the left side and underside of my peena. This worries me, considering the previous post.

Some might say doing the m-thing caused it. But if that was the case, why is it happening now? I have done the m-thing since I was a teenager.

If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have to do the m-thing. Just saying.

This swollen nerve like thing in my peena inhibits erections. I can but it fades quickly as this thing hurts.
I'm sorry if this is tmi but this is my blog. I will go to the doctor on Friday assuming this thing doesn't go away. I have to know what it is. I told you before, I don't like to be conscious of my peena and I am because this thing hurts. Stings if I lay on it like I am face down in bed, which I don't sleep like that. I am a side sleeper.

Add to that the ever present pain in my prostate and the whole pelvic region hurts. I suppose it is nothing new, if you read the early parts of this blog.

Skin Cancer Risk?

My DNA report says this....                   

Squamous cell carcinoma

 

Journal	Cancer Res
Study Size
Replications	None
Contrary Studies	None
Applicable Ethnicities	European
Marker	rs12203592

In this study, researchers compared 537 individuals with squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) to 1504 healthy controls, all of European descent. The researchers found that each copy of a T at rs12203592 within the IRF4 gene was associated with about 1.7 times higher odds of SCC.

Who	Genotype	What It Means
Gregory Thompson	TT	Substantially higher odds of developing SCC.

Genetically

I sent off for a DNA test in late August. I finally got the results.

Oh, gosh, it said I have blue eyes. Yes, I do.

It said I am of nearly 100% Northern European descent. Yes, again, my ancestors were primarily Scottish.

It said I have 2.7% Neanderthal DNA. That makes me wonder from who it came from, a horny human male poking a poor Neanderthal female or a human female captured by a Neanderthal clan. Either seems likely.

Neanderthals lived from about 130k years ago to at least 27k years ago. They were not exactly like us, some differences. Still human enough to recognize.


Why they vanished is a troubling mystery. It should have been us who vanished. Wouldn't have the troubles we do now.

Arguing over health care, a basic human right. What the fuck? What is the real motive here? It could be greed, protecting interests, the fact that some racist bastards in the congress do not like President Obama. It could be simple ignorance or apathy.

Stupid, it's just stupid.

The test said I am not at risk for most diseases but arthritis.... that was no surprise.

I will study the DNA report some more and if you have a question, do comment, please.

Admission

I have no girlfriend. This is largely because of my agoraphobia. I don't go anywhere. My life experience has taught me that it isn't that hard to befriend a girl. I have friends still back from the days when I could still go out in public. It has never been easy.

Now I turn 38 in less than a month. I am very unsure if I will ever have a child. It is too late. Too late in my life to be a father. I couldn't be a father, I just can't deal. It is why I don't mind using protection in sex.

Sex, the last time was in December of 2009. Could it happen again? Yes. I don't have the constant anxiety-grind I did when I was at wm. I have constant prostate pain but there is a powerful need sometimes, not all the time.

I have gotten so used to self-gratification, it becomes the only way to sate this need. Dr. H, the urologist said it was necessary for prostate health. So, okay. I don't actually doing it, it hurts afterward. And because I shave my parts, the skin is sorta sensitive.

I just want some love. It's not so hard. I am a sweet guy. I have empathy and I care.

If I am alone in my elder life, I could just give up and hang myself. I feel worse when alone.

However, no one cares. People read this and their apathy becomes apparent, just visiting to see things and opinions of mine. No comments in the history of this blog, save for one about the ruin of my car.

Is it so hard to love me?

Typhoon Francisco

This is a huge Category 4 monster. Francisco, heading to Japan. I hope it dissipates some before hitting the islands. It is a little west of the Marianas now.

Lovely from above though. I was feeling bad so I posted a tropical cyclone picture. I still feel bad. Sorry.

Hurting

I always hurt. Male pain, the pain caused by my prostate gland. It is stress-damaged. I have eye-head pain because I look at a computer screen all the time. I write stories so what else could I do?

I have odd pains, like earlier, my left knee hurt for no apparent reason. I have never injured my knees other than normal bruises by banging into something. I can be clumsy sometimes.

I have more severe emotional pain. It is variable day to day. It can happen on its own but a catalyst can cause it, usually my loneliness, personal sense of shame or what other people say/do.

Hurting. I can't take ibuprofen. It hurts my stomach. I take Tylenol and it helps. I have been recently having severe tooth pain, though it is caused by an exposed nerve in an out of the way place. My teeth have suffered severely for my high-sugar diet. I have a powerful sweet tooth.

I don't drink much soda, no more than one a day and that is when I first wake up. Perversely, I drink orange juice at the end of the day.

My 'day' is from around 230 pm to 5 or 6 am. I am a night person, always have been. Even when I was in high school. As a person who needs more than the average amount of sleep, 9 to 11 hours, this hasn't always been a good thing.

Also, I have a belly, I am almost 38, metabolism isn't what it used to be. I am sort of self-conscious about it. I am going to join a fitness club when I can afford it.

I hurt every time I pee, or the other thing especially. If you know something of male anatomy, you know what I am talking about.

It is a pain I am accustomed to.

Do you have pain as well? I mean, sooner or later, I and most others will develop arthritis. I fear mine has already begun with these mysterious joint pains, my hips and fingers especially.

I sent off for a DNA test to see exactly what will happen. It is almost ready, I will let y'all know what it says.

Added Worry

You may or may not know. I am on SS for my Anxiety Disorder. I mean, this condition is sometimes suicidal. I contemplate sometimes, which distresses me.

Now with the US Government shut down, will SS come in November? If the Govt defaults, will this be the end of my livelihood?

I worry more as the bastards bicker over ideology while the country burns. Didn't they learn from history? We are going the way of Ancient Rome.

I sincerely hope someone settles this, grows a spine, channels past politicians, whatever, get them to see sense and fix this problem.

As I said, I am feeling anxiety-distress. This will get worse if my livelihood is threatened.

Emotion

I have said before that I think I have a female soul. Then again, is a soul gender specific?  I am emotive, I have empathy and sensitivity, too much sensitivity. Stressed to the max, became Anxiety Disorder.

Who has Anxiety Disorder? Primarily females do. I am not female. How does this figure then? What part of me is female? None physically. My mind isn't female. It is something far deeper.

Why does emotion affect me so? It doesn't affect other guys like this? Why did Jen hurting me like that still hurts, four years after the fact? It forced my anxiety to recoil, pulling me back into my shell. I will likely never get out.

I can see pictures of loved ones who have gone and I cry. Why? Crying doesn't bring them back. It is emotion.

Why do I have empathy? I mean compared to my sister, she lacks certain traits like this. Did I inherit them all, being firstborn?

Like I said, I am not female. I am as male as any other guy. I just am more sensitive than a lot of them.

This over-sensitivity can have consequences as I get older.

People say 'grow up, suck it up' Whatever. You do not feel what I do. I am emotive. You couldn't deal with this feeling. A lifetime of this feeling and I can barely deal.

I'm sorry. I feel anxiety-distress right now. I will be okay later.

A Picture of Me

It has been a while since I posted a picture of me in my blog so why not? I am a month away from 38. Can you tell? Am I not masculine looking? I don't know. Why not smile? If you had teeth like mine, you wouldn't smile.



Yes, I need a haircut. This will be remedied soon. I hope the mysterious readers of my blog like this.

What's Comfortable?

Okay, I said I wouldn't talk about underwear anymore but I have this slightly embarrassing admission. I read on a website that it is okay for a guy to wear panties. I am not about to wear frilly feminine looking panties in pink or red or pastel colors.

So I ordered a pair from VS. What's VS? You can figure it out. A black pair, high cut, almost identical to the Mansilk low cut brief. Almost identical? Well, given that the Mansilk is made of silk, that is different but the VS is like flex blend. I don't know what really. I have worn the VS all day and I like it.

Some underwear make you poke out, the 'enhancement' pouch. What the F is that? I don't need to advertise the fact that I have a peeny. I like it restrained, discreet.

I had an incident when I was a young teenager in school that I have never forgotten. Given that at my age, it is not so easy to get excited just like that, I swore that I wouldn't let it show ever again.

It took me this many years to try something new. So what? I wear panties. Not all of the time, nor is it quite compatible with my laundry cycle.

I have black VS and Felina panties, size 5. They look and are generally the same as the male version of that kind of brief. I have Mansilk and C-IN2 briefs like that.

Also, that kind of brief is cheaper than the male version. It takes some getting used to. I wouldn't try it if my genitals were any bigger. I am a little above average as it is.

Okay, no more talk about underwear. For real. I just talk about what is comfortable. I am not the only guy who has tried this, so don't judge.

Cold Returns

I have written about this before. It has not been a concern since the early part of May. It took a while this season to get to the 100 degree days typical of summers here.

Yet, they came and sweaty, sticky was the rule of the days. I can tolerate hot weather, I mean, every summer of my life, and I have been through 37 of them, has been roasty hot.

Cold is another matter. I get so cold. My feet go numb, as do my hands. I shiver, I wear heavy fabric sweatshirts and my Stars jersey. I dread going to the bathroom or taking a shower when it is cold, it gets COLD in here.

I am never barefooted if I can help it. Of course, I take my socks off when I bathe but usually the first thing I put on are a fresh pair of socks. I have to wear socks, I am uncomfortable without them.

Yes, I sleep with socks on, I have to. I can't stand my feet getting cold or tactile sensation as they are sensitive.

Cold is part of life. I mean, it could be worse. Think of the Neanderthal times, the Pleistocene, Ice Age. Cold was all the time there. I am glad that it isn't in our time.

Snow is rare here but it happens sometimes in the winter season, although a couple of years ago, it snowed in April here.

Also, it can ice up here pretty bad but that hasn't happened in the last few years. If this coming winter is a counterbalance to the bygone summer, it is going to be brutally cold.

I am not looking forward to it. My body just doesn't like cold.

TS Karen

This is Tropical Storm Karen. It is liable to be a strong tropical storm or minimal hurricane when it hits somewhere Mississippi and Florida.

I'm sorry it is not a beautiful in depth RGB image, those looked overexposed. This is an IR cloud scan of the Gulf of Mexico.

Should TS Karen become a hurricane and looks swirly, I'll post another picture of it.

Shutdown

Let me preface this by admitting that I am of the Democratic persuasion.

What is it with ideology? Are they loyal to it or the Constitution the swore to uphold? If they were like this truly, then they are traitors to the United States.

Who are 'they'? They are these tea party filth infecting the Congress. Any party that advocates stripping rights, benefits, and vitals from the public should be tarred and feathered and set on fire. Sadly, that is not acceptable in our society.

Why is the government shut down? Arcane rules set forth more than 225 years ago? Yes, those rules protect us and our freedom and should be upheld to the highest standard. This factionalism is anti-Constitution. I do not know what to say about it, the last time this happened, I was a young adult.

I have always admired President Clinton despite his personal mistakes. He could pull us out of this mess.

What would President Theodore Roosevelt have done? Would someone go back in time 115 years and get him? We could use his help.

Nobody in Congress is innocent. Those without spines are as complicit as this douchebag Cruz who is not Texan. I am Texan, I did not hear of him until he ran for office. Yes, our state government is plagued by similar douchebags but their time is ending. Texas will be Democratic again, like it was for the last 130 years before W. Fairweather voters go with who is popular. This is dangerous.

Having an R by your name ought to mean that you are socially and intellectually retarded.

Not all Republicans are bad. Those who are not are a pale handful compared to the tide of filth infecting the House of Representatives.

I may hate conservatism but I see the need for duality in any decision. Extremes in either direction are dangerous and should not be allowed to run for office.

How do you properly vet someone to expose extremism and intolerance?

I have no more to say on the matter. I am ashamed to be an American because of this shutdown.

Self-Misandry

I have a constant pain in my pelvic area. Sometimes it intensifies. If you read enough of this blog, you know that I have prostate issues.

Why? I am too sensitive, have been since I was a kid. I don't know why, it is natural for me. I am very shy, always have been. I developed anxiety disorder and agoraphobia in my mid 30's. Stress taken too far.

Why? I have empathy. I like to help people, I am sweet and a good friend.

I believe I was not meant to be male. I am male and there is no changing that but when my soul came to me, it may have been a female soul. I have always believed that. I am too sensitive to discuss this in person.

I post pictures of my parts because I hate them. I hate them and the organs that continually produce this poison that makes me grow body hair and desire.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a big distinction.

If you think being male is great, you are sadly mistaken. Sometimes, it is far harder than you think, shame, despair, just feeling ineffectual.

I hate shaving, it hurts. Cuts. I have to wait a day for the cuts to heal to go anywhere. I have a new bodygroom electric razor for my body. Can't use it on face. Seems all right to use it on a far more sensitive area like a scrotum. Doesn't make sense to me.

I don't hate myself, I hate what I am.

Curiousity

I am curious about who reads this blog. Indonesia? Really? I don't know anyone from that part of the world.

Can you not comment and say 'hi'?

Why just read what I post? My life is a boring one. I write about personal things and things that interest me. If you go back in the archive, you can see the Storm of Jen, my troubles that led me to leave walmart now over 3 years ago.

I rarely go outside unless it is at night, the sky is clear and stars are great here. I took out some garbage a few hours ago and saw the Milky Way spread across the sky, our galaxy. Huge, swirly, dominant.

Astronomy is my first and deepest love.

I don't really have a social life. I have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia.

I write stories, I play games, I always listen to music.

Outside of cooking and other tasks, I do not do much more than that.

I have gotten where I can drive again. 5 years ago this month, I was in a car accident. I was not hurt but my anxiety became much worse. I almost committed suicide in August of 08. I don't feel like that now but I am melancholy by nature.

If you want to know more about me, I mean, if you read this blog, you pretty much know about me, let me know.

It is kind of rude to visit and not say 'hi'.

Injured Deer

This white-tailed deer was on the driveway not far from my house this morning. It was badly hurt by either a car, the highway is not far from this area, or something else.





Its horns were damaged and the right forward leg was mangled. It did not react when I approached it. It likely was in some agony.

I didn't know what to do about it so I went to sleep, as it was late for me.

The local sheriff's office came out and dispatched the deer out of mercy. It is sad but what can you do? I took this picture at about 740am so the sun was just coming up.

Poor Miley

This is Miley Cyrus at the much hyped I Heart Radio festival. I know this because I listen to an I Heart Radio station.

I only dimly knew of Miley Cyrus. She became famous as some sort of actress during my time at wm, when I did not watch much tv.




I did see pictures and such of her then and thought, she's a girl, cool, girls are cool, she's all right.

Then recent behavior, then this .... what is this? A cry for attention? Making up for a short-coming? Something to feed the need to shock much like Lady Gaga or Madonna before her?


I don't care about celebrity news and gossip. It's all fluff.

I comment on feminine beauty in my blog and ordinarily, Miley has it, but not here. She would get arrested in my home town for wearing that openly. It bothers me. Why does a girl have to debase herself to get attention?

Myself, I hate attention. It ruffles my anxiety feathers.

Super Typhoon Usagi

This is Super Typhoon Usagi. That land you see is the top of Luzon in the Philippines. This monster is huge and packs major Category 4 winds.

Look out for the islands and for China.

This beast is heading west-northwest.


It is a symmetrical storm, but can't appreciate its beauty when people are in danger.

Underwear 3

I have been trying different underwear because some of it hurts my prostate pain.

I discovered this one online store, Brief Tales, which offers and says guys should wear panties. They sent me some in a bonus pack and I tried them. Oh, should I admit that I enjoyed it?

Don't think for a moment that this feminizes me because I wore panties. It felt better than the heavy cotton fabric of normal briefs. The C-IN2 Core briefs are still my favorite. They are made of something that is not cotton but some kind of artificial fiber. Whatever, they feel good.

I ordered some more panties, just to see if I can wear them. They don't hurt me and keep my maleness secure unlike male cut briefs. I do not like having an erection to be honest. It is an annoyance.

This is not, repeat, not a sexual thing. I don't understand that whole underwear sex thing myself. It seems ridiculous.

Don't count on a picture of me in panties. They are not very good in hiding the shape of the maleness. I wear male small size briefs, female size 5. If it doesn't hurt, I like it.

I will only wear them during the early part of my laundry cycle. My C-IN2 briefs are black.

This will be the last post on underwear. I'll talk about something later.

Hurricane Humberto

This is Hurricane Humberto, way out in the eastern Atlantic.

It's a good swirl specimen. It is not forecasted to hit any land so it is not a worry. Just enjoy the picture

Stupid FedEx

I am expecting two packages from HP. One contains printer ink and a laptop case, the other is my new desktop computer.

FedEx is shipping them and they can't find my house. Whatever. They used to be able to. They used to come here occasionally.

I cannot explain enough how to find where I live. I left my phone number with them so they can call me. They have yet to do so. I don't know why things have to be so hard.

I hardly got any sleep as I should be sleeping now. This is stupid.

Sad Feelings

I have a sad component to my anxiety disorder. This is melancholia sadness, no direct cause. Things happen to make me sad. Stressing my patience is one of these.

Normally, I am a patient person. However, lack of response whether from online shopping to a bad ant problem here, it grinds on my anxiety.

I have a persistent toothache. I have damaged teeth and don't like to talk about them.

My male pain is also persistent. I don't know what my prostate's problem is. I have tried to avoid stress. But stress is part of anxiety and I feel anxiety all the time.

I have a hard time going somewhere. I would like to travel but I don't know if I can. I just cannot deal with difference and unfamiliar places.

I feel sad when I think of Jen. Or when I cannot write my stories. I have been having trouble focusing. It started when I started taking celexa again. I am not taking my med, probably not good but I do not like its side effects.

I just feel sad, melancholy.

Anxiety at the Store

I drink OJ every day. It is like a health thing. I am prone to being sick but haven't been in over a year. I didn't go anywhere to catch something.

So, I went to the store to get that and some other things. The new store in a neighboring town is huge, can't find anything in it. I went looking for the forzen pizzas and could not find them right away. When I did find them, I opened the case door and picked one, pepperoni, my favorite kind of pizza. When I picked it up, five more spilled out onto the floor. Two girls were walking by and made a snide remark, bitches. I picked up the spilled pizzas and put them back.

Then I go to check out and they were looking at me funny? Is it my new glasses or what? I don't have any facial blemishes at the moment and I did wash my hair before leaving.

Damn it.

The big store did not have any cooking like I was asked to get so I went to the wm not far from it. I am very familiar with that wm, having shopped in it for over 10 years. That anxiety wound up again when I was walking.

Understand something. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh around 153 lbs. I could lose some weight but I am not fat. The rest of me is fit. Just my belly.

I am not a big guy by any measure. I feel self-conscious, like a Hobbit amongst regular sized people. Sure, there are a lot of girls my size but I am not a girl. I am not comfortable in any wm to begin with. I served my time in one of the busiest of all wm's. I have not been back in 3 years. Never again.

Is it my jeans? I wore a dark blue shirt left over from my wm wear. Yes, that shirt is 4 years old but it's in good shape. What is it that makes people look at me?

I couldn't breathe ordering tea at the chicken place. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't talk for a moment. Too long without something to drink. That happens too often.

I will just give up going somewhere by myself. I just can't do it. Anxiety is would too tightly around my soul.

If you are so inclined, show some love. I could use some.

TS Lorena

This is Tropical Storm Lorena, threatening the Mexican coast presently. It looks like a mess but harsh rain, winds, flooding. Tropical systems are a lot of trouble if one is under one. I have never been but Tx is no stranger to them

I haven't found a good symmetrical storm to appreciate but hurricane season is hardly midway through.

My New Glasses

These are my new glasses. Forgive my appearance, I take my shower around 2:30am every night. In the daytime, I pretty much look like this. Yes, I am looking older, I don't like that.

Entropy, you know?

Do you like them?

Underwear 2

I talk about underwear because I like it. I try different brands of briefs and currently like C-IN2 BaseFlex briefs best right now. I am wearing a white pair of them right now.

I have looked for good underwear for a long time. When I worked at wm, it helped my anxiety unwind if I focused on what feels good.

What feels good? If you read this blog, you know I have chronic non-bacterial prostatitis. It is stress-damaged. Not sick. It can get sick with a bacterial infection if I don't do things like the m-thing occasionally. If it was a sin, why did the urologist tell me to do it more? I can't do it more. It hurts if I do it often.

I like snug fitting briefs. I don't like my maleness, actually, and I like not to be conscious of it. If it is secured in place, and doesn't brush against fabric like wearing boxers would, that is okay with me.

I wear white or gray or black underwear according to my laundry cycle. I am still trying new kinds of briefs. I don't mind buying underwear. I mean, unless you are a much different person from me, you always wear underwear.

What did you come here for? I wonder most about who reads this blog. I talk about things about me that I don't tell anyone in person. Like who needs to know about my like of underwear?

I need to lose some weight and I will look :) in my underwear.