Anxiety Error

Maybe I said something on fb I shouldn't have. I was upset, happens often here. I was working on my old pc and not connected and my cousins panicked. They never answered anything before.

Why am I Ar-Ghost? I am a ghost, I go somewhere rarely and I stay in here all the time. I can't enjoy my music and I had a story to write but can't when I am upset.

I stood out in the rain for 2 hours. I just felt.... the 2nd time in my life the LCSO has come out here to check on me. Having a deputy tell me that I need to go to people who did not help me before.

It is my fault, the causality lies with me. I will not make any further errors. I will be right here and wait for my purchases to come.

I want to not feel stress or anxiety for 1 day.

I am not well, I know this. I am sorry to have worried any one.

And yes, to repeat, my MeUndies subscription was canceled in October. I did order some new ones for the first time since August. But only what I asked for to begin with.

I am not going to stop doing the things that help me manage my daily anxiety.

I am sorry to be trouble to anyone.

Awful Situation

I don't know if I mentioned it before but my sister is a tetradisaster. Everything she touches is destroyed. This includes the unstable quietness here.

She knows I have anxiety disorder but continues to wale on it like whipping it with a barbed wire wrapped stick.

She was doing this as I was getting ready to go wash my clothes for the first time in three weeks. Oh, so angry, shaking. She caused extreme panic last night by running all the gas out of the truck so that I barely made it to Cove. Talk about a white-knuckle ride, it was.

Now, it was generally known that I was going to wash clothes. I had to do another thing that is nearing its completion.

My sister's harangue caused a panic reaction so I forgot what shoes I was wearing. I had to avoid before she provokes a suicidal panic.

So, I left the house, only to find the Laundromat I have used for almost 20 years is closed. I went to a newer one that is more expensive and had to endure an hour of 'The Dog Whisperer'. (ick... :( I don't think so.) An unfamiliar area and the general discomfort of sunlight and people speaking a language I have a limited understanding of (Spanish).

This was awful. I had to go to the bank for more quarters. I hadn't noticed until I was leaving to go back to the truck. My shoes....

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself. My sister caused the anxiety that led to me wearing the wrong shoes. I can't believe it. It's not like I can feel a difference. They fit the same.

I don't know if I will be okay. You know, Hate Sunday is coming up.

I am posting a picture of my shoes so you can see. It's fucking stupid. I feel terrible. Stupid. Unworthy.

This would be my old shoe and new shoe, both New Balance. I went into the sunlight to show this.

I am serious. I thought about hanging myself. Then something I read a long time ago that when a male is hung, he generally has an involuntary erection. I don't want to be found like that. So I dismissed this for the time being but you know, it is going to happen again.

It may be time to use my Medicare and go get help before I do act on this thinking and kill myself.

Not a Soldier

One of the things I feel the most shame for is that I never joined the military. I have lived near a significant military base all my life.

I am the only male member of my family not to serve.

I scored very well on aptitude tests for service in high school. They wanted me but I recognized that I am unfit back then.

I am too old to join now even if I could.

How am I unfit?

I have severe anxiety disorder.
I have terminal shyness.
I have a chronic illness in my prostate gland.
I am out of shape.

I don't like being yelled at. I like routine but not to the strictest sense of it.

I can't go outside without feeling some panic. I can test this with my peena. Probably would happen if I had to bathe in a communal setting. I am bigger than that by far but in anxiety, it shrinks to minimal size.

I am 1.6 meters tall. I am not a very big guy, kinda Hobbit like, actually.

I feel sick when in a strange area like someone else's house. This gets worse when in places I have never been before. I haven't ever been outside of Tx.

I just am not fit for service, I am not even fit for the definition of 'man'. I am male and that's that.

I write about a military. I did want to serve when I was younger. Now, I'm not a soldier.

I mean, my grandfather was a US Marine in World War II. He typified what I think of soldiers. Wise, strong, with a physical presence.

I am a ghost. Barely there.

It is shameful, yes. That kind of shame hurts.

Hate Maleness

I have said before that I hate being male. I hate body hair, I hate male genitals. I hate society's definition of a male.

I don't want to be female. I am not like that. I just hate being male. Could I have my genitals removed?

I watched a video of such a surgery and no. I mean, watch a priapism surgery video, see how much blood is in there. Major arteries and such. I mean, I nick myself with the Bodygroom razor and its like automatic bleeding.

I will just deal with it.

Other males may read this and say, I am messed up. Yes, I am mentally ill. I believe I have a female soul.

I am not female in any way and that must really grind on my soul.

Err, why am I writing this? It is something that troubles me a great deal, being stricken with Anxiety Disorder which is a primarily female condition.

If I had a girlfriend, could erase this trouble, and make me feel male again. Not like an 'it'. But it's not likely.

Any girl taking an interest in me is about as likely as the sun going dark tomorrow.

Shutdown

Let me preface this by admitting that I am of the Democratic persuasion.

What is it with ideology? Are they loyal to it or the Constitution the swore to uphold? If they were like this truly, then they are traitors to the United States.

Who are 'they'? They are these tea party filth infecting the Congress. Any party that advocates stripping rights, benefits, and vitals from the public should be tarred and feathered and set on fire. Sadly, that is not acceptable in our society.

Why is the government shut down? Arcane rules set forth more than 225 years ago? Yes, those rules protect us and our freedom and should be upheld to the highest standard. This factionalism is anti-Constitution. I do not know what to say about it, the last time this happened, I was a young adult.

I have always admired President Clinton despite his personal mistakes. He could pull us out of this mess.

What would President Theodore Roosevelt have done? Would someone go back in time 115 years and get him? We could use his help.

Nobody in Congress is innocent. Those without spines are as complicit as this douchebag Cruz who is not Texan. I am Texan, I did not hear of him until he ran for office. Yes, our state government is plagued by similar douchebags but their time is ending. Texas will be Democratic again, like it was for the last 130 years before W. Fairweather voters go with who is popular. This is dangerous.

Having an R by your name ought to mean that you are socially and intellectually retarded.

Not all Republicans are bad. Those who are not are a pale handful compared to the tide of filth infecting the House of Representatives.

I may hate conservatism but I see the need for duality in any decision. Extremes in either direction are dangerous and should not be allowed to run for office.

How do you properly vet someone to expose extremism and intolerance?

I have no more to say on the matter. I am ashamed to be an American because of this shutdown.

Self-Misandry

I have a constant pain in my pelvic area. Sometimes it intensifies. If you read enough of this blog, you know that I have prostate issues.

Why? I am too sensitive, have been since I was a kid. I don't know why, it is natural for me. I am very shy, always have been. I developed anxiety disorder and agoraphobia in my mid 30's. Stress taken too far.

Why? I have empathy. I like to help people, I am sweet and a good friend.

I believe I was not meant to be male. I am male and there is no changing that but when my soul came to me, it may have been a female soul. I have always believed that. I am too sensitive to discuss this in person.

I post pictures of my parts because I hate them. I hate them and the organs that continually produce this poison that makes me grow body hair and desire.

I am not a 'man'. I am male. To me, there is a big distinction.

If you think being male is great, you are sadly mistaken. Sometimes, it is far harder than you think, shame, despair, just feeling ineffectual.

I hate shaving, it hurts. Cuts. I have to wait a day for the cuts to heal to go anywhere. I have a new bodygroom electric razor for my body. Can't use it on face. Seems all right to use it on a far more sensitive area like a scrotum. Doesn't make sense to me.

I don't hate myself, I hate what I am.

Poor Miley

This is Miley Cyrus at the much hyped I Heart Radio festival. I know this because I listen to an I Heart Radio station.

I only dimly knew of Miley Cyrus. She became famous as some sort of actress during my time at wm, when I did not watch much tv.




I did see pictures and such of her then and thought, she's a girl, cool, girls are cool, she's all right.

Then recent behavior, then this .... what is this? A cry for attention? Making up for a short-coming? Something to feed the need to shock much like Lady Gaga or Madonna before her?


I don't care about celebrity news and gossip. It's all fluff.

I comment on feminine beauty in my blog and ordinarily, Miley has it, but not here. She would get arrested in my home town for wearing that openly. It bothers me. Why does a girl have to debase herself to get attention?

Myself, I hate attention. It ruffles my anxiety feathers.

Shame

How much do you know about me? If you read this blog, you know that I have some problems, some big ones.

The truth is that I never left home. I couldn't. Number one, I can't exactly deal if I have nowhere to hide from the things that cause me anxiety. Being my myself in an unfamiliar location would cause like a tetra-disaster panic attack.

Number 2, I never really made a lot of money. I am an old grocery stocker. I was content to do this but for one reason or another, it did not last more than 10 years (mainly because the store closed).

Number three, I worry about my mom a lot. Given the verbally abusiveness of my father, who would be here to keep the peace? Who would do the chores for them? They wouldn't. I do anything for my my mom, it seems only right.

However, I am 36 years old now. I am childless, never have been in a serious loving relationship. Sex is NOT love. It is BIOLOGY.

I have a sedate life. I write stories. I listen to music. I keep to myself because I don't like being a bother. I do like to talk to interested people but such things do not occur around here.

I don't want to cost money but I do, a lot of it. Why is this? Why should it cost money to live? What benefit would come if I did not live? This question loops in my mind occasionally.

I am not well. I have a debilitating condition. You don't know how bad anxiety order is until it is pushed to far. Things I do when it is pushed too far? I tremble, my heart pounds, I sweat. I cut myself. I cry. I am sorely tempted (when I have it) to overdose on my med. Go to sleep forever. I close in, become super avoidant. People mistake this for 'bitchiness' 'feminization' or 'weakness'. It is NOT. I don't want to be pushed over that edge. It is so easy to do, to fall into that trap.

This shame is strong enough to cause suicidal feelings on its own. I will never get better. I will always have anxiety issues, my prostate gland is stress-damaged, it will be sick in the future.

What future? Will it be any different from right now? This worries me a great deal.

Leaving home would be good, for them, though I doubt that, but not for me. I am a failure as a human male.

I wish I never was.

I won't sully my blog with things like this. If you want to know the real story, you can e~mail me.

I am an individual with a personal pain. I am not like you or anyone else. I will focus on something else, then wait until conditions are right (my dad takes a nap) to do some chores.

You may think this is uncool, that I am a loser. No, friend, you are a loser for not knowing the whole story before you pass judgment. I am going to need help to get better, to live on my own. I can't do this on my own.