Hurt

Two days ago, I went to the Post Office to check the mail. There was none in the age of Dejoy's destruction of the USPS. That's another topic much written about elsewhere. 

I was leaving. There was ice on the area just off the step down. The parking lot is all concrete.

I mainly wear a gray pair of Saucony Jazz shoes. They don't hurt my feet. They have a tread usually well suited for walking.

Only, when I tentatively stepped on the ice, my foot slid out and I fell hard on my back.

I hit my head, toward the back of the top of the head. I landed on the ice and it might have prevented a concussion.

 I was knocked silly. I was stunned. I could not move for several moments.

My head felt like I was sleepy when I wasn't. I did not realize my glasses went flying when I hit the ground.

I remember thinking why can't I see? And staggered over to find my glasses on the concrete. They were not damaged. 

I made it over to the car and waited for several moments before I automatically drove back home.

My mom said I should go to the emergency room. I did. She took me.

I sat in a chair in the triage room, hooked to a blood pressure and blood oxygen level machine. Its screen was incomprehensible but then I wasn't all there mentally at the time.

I sat there for over an hour before the doctor came and looked at me. He said I suffered a contusion. No concussion.

I know what a concussion feels like. I had one when I fell off the porch when I was a kid. It wasn't like that much at all.

It was more like being hit with a brick or something similar.  

My body strained to get up so I have muscle pain. It is fading. 

My mentality returned as I sat in that chair. So, by the time I was released, I was fairly normal but not quite. That happened over time after and after sleeping.

I'm okay now. I have those pains but they'll go. I was told to take Tylenol for pain but I'm not hurting that bad. I suspect I will if I did something strenuous. 

I will not until I am totally healed. 

I will not even attempt to walk on ice in the future. It wasn't a wise decision. I know better now. 

Hurting Still

I was in a bad environment down under the house. It was wet because when the pipe disconnected, a torrent of water surged out of it until the master valve of the water system was turned off. This is actually under my bedroom window on the north side of the house.

I did this immediately after learning this was happening. If I had not gone into the kitchen then, I would have never known.

I don't like going down there. It is awful. The water was warmer than the air. It was steamy and cold.

I took off my sweat pants to keep from fouling them. I went down there and searched for the problem, found it, took a picture and came back up to tell my dad.

It was going back to fix it that the floor gave way under me. I fell and my booty got badly scratched. My hip was hurt. Curiously, I was not otherwise hurt.

My right leg and hip hurt. It hurts when I flex my hip like sitting down or walking. Standing still doesn't hurt. That's strange but my hips hurt on occasion by themselves.

This will persist for a while. I wish it hadn't happened. I removed the content warning because really, I am not showing anything inappropriate. I just have an injury in an embarrassing area.

It is time to talk about other stuff here. I will move on and not talk about how I hurt so.

Effects of the Cold

How does cold affect me?

Understand that I wear sweat pants most of the time. Jeans, especially grind on my male pain. A thin fleece fabric layer doesn't really insulate when it is 31 and the wind is blowing from the north.

I don't know if legs are responsible for the chill I feel. I mean, yes, my male parts retract like any guy's would but that isn't going to make the entire body feel cold.

My hands and feet get numb. It is difficult to type this. It is 40 outside but consider 40ish is what it is in your refrigerator if it is working properly.

I have mentioned a while ago that the floor is damaged in here. Lets the cold through like a ghostly specter, not the good kind.

The heater keeps it at bay but takes a while to warm the whole room and gets up to 73. *scoff

I feel most comfortable when it is in the 80s.

I have been having joint pains in my fingers, shoulders, ankles and knees. The most troublesome hip pain I get sometimes has been calm but I reckon if I got up and did stuff instead of sitting on my bony tail-end, they would hurt, too.

It isn't a pain like old people get. It is a light dusting of pain that doesn't hurt constantly. It just hurts weakly then fades with movement or readjusting.

I did not feel this so much when it was warm. I hope it gets warm again soon but look at the time of year this is. Last January, that water pipe fiasco happened. It was 17 outside at night.

It has not been cold like that and God willing, it won't be. This is Tx, not some northern state used to such weather. We are not.

I hate the cold more than most things. It's down there with mosquitoes and flies, things I hate most.

Maybe No Sugar

It occurs to me that sugar is not possibly the wisest thing. It is why I weigh 164 lbs and why my teeth need help.

So I get tea with an artificial sweetener in it. I learned a valuable lesson after using too much. I haven't had dia-icky since I wrote about it last time. But I did in a majorly painful way.

That hurts, not because dia-icky itself hurts and is always unpleasant, it causes pelvic muscles to clench and squeeze my prostate which hurts like nothing else.

Maybe I will lose weight. I would if I got off my tail and exercised but can't do it here, the environment isn't conducive for it. I would have to go to a gym and learn from someone who knows more than me about such things what to do.

I would like to learn to swim as well. Never learned how.

What a thing, to be in swim trunks and having pale skin and a belly. My anxiety keeps me in because of this.

I haven't been swimming since I was a teenager. I haven't done a lot of things since I was a teenager. That was almost 20 years ago. What can I do now?

I will cut down on the sugar. I will also try to eat better. I will try to avoid dia-icky as well because it hurts. It already hurts to pee, can't do anything about that.

Ha ha, tmi perhaps but that is how things are. How does sugar affect you? I know people who avoid it like the plague.

Myself, got to have it.

Admission

Why the guilt, the stress, the unhappiness? I admit that I have a suicidal feeling. I am trying hard to resist it. Deactivating my facebook account was part of this.

I am not some teenage girl bullied to the point of hanging myself. That is reprehensible and senseless.

I feel a deeper pain than they do. I am 38 years old, disabled by my anxiety disorder.

I can't go outside, it won't let me. I can't go see friends or meet a new girlfriend because it won't let me.

Not that any woman would have anything to do with me. My life is designed not to be exciting. Been alone here too long.

I feel ugly. I feel sick inside because of this. I don't know how to say what it feels like.

It is a cage, a shield, feathers, all encompassing. Strangling my soul.

I cannot put into words how anxiety disorder feels. You can't understand unless you have it. I share this condition with many others and we all feel the same.

I will try to be calm, try not to hurt myself. I mean, I don't like being hurt. Who does? My hurt is mental and it is a traumatic hurt.

Oh, and the prostate thing, I am having trouble peeing. I could go into detail but do ya really want to know?

That bothers me, too.

There were thunderstorms today. I have said before, thunderstorms stroke my anxiety. Today was no exception. Woke up too early and could not go back to sleep. Can't do anything about the weather.

The power failed here for like 10 seconds. That may not seem like a big deal but my computer was on and a story I was writing was on. Thank goodness for timed backup.

I wish I could go out and do things but it is just not possible with this anxiety strangle.

Sorry if this bothers you. It is how I feel.

Anxiety

If you read this blog with any regularity, you know that I have severe anxiety disorder. It was diagnosed in 07. I developed agoraphobia in the time since because I spend most of my time inside and don't go anywhere.

I have written a lot about how it affects me. I mean, the stress it causes damaged my prostate gland. A pain I will live with for the rest of my life.

I cannot 'not' feel anxiety and stress, it is a basic part of my brain or soul.
I have always been over-sensitive, even when I was a kid. I can't take a joke and lack the basic sense of humor many other people have. I do find some things funny but usually, it isn't openly shown.

I don't know what happened. I used to be able to go do things. I know I don't have to rely on the internet to buy new shoes but going to the shoe store is panic bait.

Panic bait, a new female friend until I know her well, is panic bait. What is panic bait? It is something I know that will cause a panic reflex in me, like driving on a congested road. Going to the doctor is panic bait. Seeing people who have hurt me like Jen is severe panic bait. I don't go outside because sunlight is panic bait. It burns. It is like a blanket covering everything.

I have pasty white skin. I don't tan well and I burn easy. I get more freckles which isn't necessarily a good thing.

I cannot sleep because of anxiety. What causes it? Noises, unavoidable since I sleep in the daytime. The temperature, in winter, it is easier to sleep unless it is really cold. Given what I wear when I sleep, it makes sense, I mean, sweat pants? There is a reason.

I cannot sleep if my radio is off. It has been part of my life since I was a small child. If it is off because of a power failure or the radio station goes down, I cannot sleep.

I cannot sleep if I am having a panic attack. The feel of my own heartbeat can cause a panic attack.

I call this anxiety insomnia and I am having it now. I don't feel so well.

Anxiety disorder will kill me one day. It is not treated, I mean, I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. You can't get the right help with Medicare.

I think of hurting myself sometimes to make it stop. I don't because injuries are panic bait. Hurting is panic bait. I had a pain in my left side. That caused panic but it has subsided.

Insect bites, fucking mosquitoes, especially, really grind on my anxiety.

I just suffer with this. My cousin says I need to go get help. As mentioned above, one cannot get the right help with Medicare.

Medicare is for old people. Why do I have it? I am only 38. I have it because my anxiety disorder disables me. I can't go to the dentist, which I desperately need to do. I can't talk to people I don't know. I cannot even go see my friends.

My 20th HS reunion is next month. I will go but there will be panic, you can bet on that with certainty.

I write about these things because that is what is wrong. You may care or you may not. The disease of apathy is strong in many humans.

Hurting

Short of posting a picture of male anatomy and marking it in places where I hurt, I don't know how to describe it. I cannot draw to save my life so it would not look right.

Okay. You know what a guy's parts look like. This pain isn't about that. My peena does NOT hurt. Well, exposing it to really hot water, something that has always excited me, can lead to that.
This pain is clustered around the base of the peena deep inside the body. This is deep within the pelvic cavity and not something you can see short of radiology.

There is the bladder, and my bladder seems to fill and I cannot feel it when sitting here. I only feel it when I get up to go do something or take a break from the computer.

When I pee, it is like taking a water hose and squeezing it so that flow is diminished. This happens to my pee stream. What is causing this?

The prostate gland surrounds the urethra at the very base of the bladder. It is also next to the descending colon, which makes going #2 very painful for me. Matter displacing space in the colon makes it expand, which is normal, but this expansion presses on my prostate and fuck, does that hurt. Feels like a knife in there.

There is an ever-present raw stinging pain along the upper part of my urethra. It does spread down to the outer part of my peena, but only because it is all connected. This doesn't inhibit erection but it makes it uncomfortable.

Is this a urinary tract infection? I do not have a fever or feel sick. I have recurrent prostatitis, which has no known cause, though in my case, body stress can cause it.

It really hurts. It hurts to pee. It hurts just sitting here. It hurts when I am naked so wearing briefs has nothing to do with it.

I don't know how else to describe it. I will eventually have to use my medicare and go to the doctor. This can kill me if left untreated.

If it doesn't bother you, I will post pictures of the parts of me I hate the most. Even more than my awful teeth and myopic eyes. Male nudity shouldn't be a shame.

Is it that Bad?

Lately, it seems, I have written about the hurts I have, mentally and physically. I have a bad toothache but let's not talk about that.

I don't feel that bad all the time. I mostly distract myself with other things like games or writing. I don't want to be conscious of my pain.

Can't tune it out completely but it's all right.

I really can't talk about much else. I don't go outside. I could go out and take a picture of the pretty bluebonnets but that involves crossing a very busy highway on foot.

It hasn't been sunny lately to take a good picture of them.

I don't know if you would like a picture of flowers but bluebonnets are the state flower of Tx. It is a feeling of pride to see them but a non-Texan probably wouldn't understand that.

I don't really know who reads my blog so I cannot say.

And this person looking at it on an I-phone, what would a picture look like on that thing?

I will post a picture of the bluebonnets the next sunny day we have.

Hurt Myself

I shaved a little bit earlier than I usually do because I have to go to the store on my one night a month excursion away from home.

This fucking Schick Hydro 3-bladed razor. I have used it for almost a year now, not the same blades for all that time, of course. I don't know why but it just cuts into my skin with the slightest touch. I will be getting a new razor when I go to the store.

It slipped in my hand as I was distracted by a report of a shooting at the military base less than 10 miles from my house.

It cut into my throat and fuck, does that hurt. Add to this an extreme pain in my pelvic area that seems to be reacting to constipation and doing the m-thing recently. The urologist said it was supposed to help but it made it worse. What am I going to do? Peeing is agony at the moment.

I am hurting and angry that the razor cut me. This picture doesn't really flatter me but I will look better later.

Unflattering Check

I know I am getting older. I mean, my facial hair is mostly gray. I shave it off mainly because it makes me look older. I don't want to be older. I hate having my cuteness blunted by age. If any females read my blog, I want to look good for them.

I don't know what a female thinks when she sees a male. I know some that hate males. I am not typical for an American male, I am sensitive and shy to the point of disability.

I had to shave today as a winter storm is imminent and I don't like shaving when its cold enough to shrivel things, a guy knows what I am talking about. I have an issue with MeUndies underwear as it is. I can post a picture but that is awful close to a TOS violation.

Instead, I will post this painful result of shaving just ten minutes ago.

Injured Left Arm

I had to work on the pipe again today. I had to buy a saw to cut and added 2 couplings. That pvc glue, I hate it.

I badly hurt my left arm doing this. Reaching through a tangle of pipes to reach the relevant one (hot water delivery) I badly scratched my left arm.

 

In addition, I hurt my left hand with a saw yesterday, then abrasion developed on the thumb knuckle. Add to this, when cutting open a package of meat to defrost for dinner, the scissors slipped and all but stabbed my left index finger. There was a lot of blood but I have cleaned my hands since then and washed it away.

I hate doing things like this and likely developed new scars. I don't know if I'll have to do this again but it is really upsetting me. Badly.

Brutal Cold

As I write this, it is 19 degrees F outside. That's -7 C to those who use the Celsius scale.

I have a heater so I am not bitching about being cold. Only my feet are. When I go to sleep and under my several blankets, they eventually warm up.

I have to forgo my shower today as a pipe has burst under the house. The water is shut off. This will become an issue if it is not fixed today.

I am upset by this cold. Why did this happen? Is it a sign of things to come? Extremes in both winter and summer? It gets hotter than fuck here in the summer. Hot is tolerable. Cold is never tolerable. Cold hurts and numbs. It saps energy and provokes involuntary things like gooseflesh and shivering.

Given that shivering and trembling are nothing new to me, I don't like it. I have anxiety trembling when I go somewhere.

I don't know. I would like to post an underwear picture, I found a pair that I love. Even if it was not intended for male wear. Speaking of male underwear, there is a center seam in most briefs that leaves an impressed area on my peena. I don't like that. These VS underwear don't have that.

I don't know about TOS issues with an underwear picture. This is not an exclusively adult blog, though I talk about adult things like sexuality, attraction, love, anxiety disorder, etc....

Given that I do not know who reads my blog, especially in Malaysia, I don't know. Who would really be interested in my life?

Why?

Maybe Shaving Earlier is Better

I shaved earlier than I normally do as my appointment with the diabetes doctor is tomorrow. Once again, I was in my black MeUndies underwear. This is not a bad thing. I look good in them.

I may be a little chunky but I have a male physique and don't look that bad. I don't know about posting an underwear picture here. Would those who read my blog like such a thing?

I did not hurt myself shaving too much. I was careful and it was not so hard to cut for the razor. The Aveeno yet again helps so much.

Have a look at how I did.

I should mention for the past few days, I have had a troubling headache in the front part of my skull. Looking at bright things makes it worse. It does not hurt all the time, maybe because it could be vascular. My family has a history of aneurysms, so this does worry me so. Tylenol is helping so it may not be that. I just don't know.

Personal Concern

This post concerns my genitals, so you may not want to read it.


I have talked about the m-thing before. I do it usually every 2 days because it hurts my prostate. However, as Dr. H said, I have to do it to clear the prostate or else I get a bacterial infection and those are never good.

So, starting about two weeks ago, as I was excited, I noticed a swollen blood vessel, nerve or some other tube like thing that hurts to touch on the left side and underside of my peena. This worries me, considering the previous post.

Some might say doing the m-thing caused it. But if that was the case, why is it happening now? I have done the m-thing since I was a teenager.

If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have to do the m-thing. Just saying.

This swollen nerve like thing in my peena inhibits erections. I can but it fades quickly as this thing hurts.
I'm sorry if this is tmi but this is my blog. I will go to the doctor on Friday assuming this thing doesn't go away. I have to know what it is. I told you before, I don't like to be conscious of my peena and I am because this thing hurts. Stings if I lay on it like I am face down in bed, which I don't sleep like that. I am a side sleeper.

Add to that the ever present pain in my prostate and the whole pelvic region hurts. I suppose it is nothing new, if you read the early parts of this blog.

Hurting

I broke the keyboard of my main pc on accident. I have to use my new laptop to do this.

I have been using Windows 8 for a few days now. I don't like this start screen bs. Takes a long time to find things in what should have been the start menu like in Vista.

I like my laptop, it's slick looking, black, with a cool HP design grayed into it. Its webcam is super sharp and the computer is fast.

I don't know. I suppose I will get used to it.

I have been having serious male pain when I pee. I don't know what this is. It feels like running a piece of steel rebar up there when I pee. Hurts a lot. I can go to the doctor but I don't want my peeny touched. It hurts. This is either related to my prostatitis or something worse, I just don't know.

I ordered new underwear, compression helps as it doesn't hurt me. I wear briefs only. Always have.
I think it is because I drank some soda (Pepsi) and that is what is hurting me. The urologists said it would. I shouldn't have bought some. Besides, unburned calories like from soda add to one's belly. You can see that in me.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had no net access. I have this rare chance to post so I am taking it.

Things have been sad. I have never been hungry in my life and yet over the last six months, I have had far less to eat than normal. This is because there is no money here. I have no job and I can't trust that my Anxiety Disorder won't act up if I go for a new job. I need to talk with the doctor but cost is the issue.

I check messages on a cell phone that isn't mine. Mine is a prepay Go Phone but I have no minutes. I have had a Go Phone since the year 2000, but like 3 different phones from it. I now have an LG smart phone. It is great but took some getting used to. I have a love-hate relationship with AT&T.

My prostatic pain has intensified. I hurt badly when I pee, and even worse when I do the other. This is because the colon/rectum is literally right next to the prostate gland in a male. Again, I can't go to the urology doctor, the cost, and I have no car to get to Temple, which is some distance away from the rural wasteland. I don't like driving that far. I sort of sit on the prostate in a soft seat like a car seat. Lord forbid if I have to pee and have to hold it. The more I hold, the worse it hurts getting it out. It is reminiscent of the first time I had to pee after the uro-scope, that fiber-optic medical tool put through my peeny and into my bladder. Did it hurt? Yes, but a nurse injected a sedative in my peeny and I did not feel it until it was well into my urinary tract. Even then, 2 years after the fact, I cringe when I remember that pain. The pain is similar to what I feel now when I pee.

Why am I mentioning this? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am uncomfortable in jeans now. I wear sweatpants most of the time, which I used to never do.

I have not felt suicidal thankfully. I am writing more now and have written a dozen stories since I last posted here.

I am fed up with my FB friends. Simple minded twits. Mind that all but 2 of them were my classmates from our hometown. I am on Spore, ( arthelius-ghost ) and little else anymore.

I take Celexa still. I wonder if I could live without it. I doubt that. I still have panic attacks in certain situations. I do not leave the house normally. When I go outside, I am not bothered. I have lived here for 12 years. When I go somewhere, it is usually to familiar places. Even then, I am uncomfortable in a walmart, which was where my mental illness began.

I have not set foot in wm 407 since April 26th of 2010 and ain't likely to even after the end of time.

I hope to go to a wm closer to my house, like in my hometown.

I am still here, don't worry about me. I will post more as opportunity allows.

Blah

It's blah. How hot can it be for a summer? 102 says the weatherbug now. It is a relatively frosty in here at 89.

I have been hurting, usually in a tolerable way when calm, but severely when peeing or the other thing or standing, stretching, and of course, it just hurts anyway sometimes.

I feel blah because I don't get to see my friends. They work on my days off. I don't feel social much anyway.

Blah. I wonder what it would take to end this pain. It likely involves knives and stitches. No thanks.

Arthelius says: "Yup"

Never mind, then.

Oh, Me

I kinda forgot this place. It was a thing Arthelius learned the hard way. If there isn't something nice to say, then don't say it. That is why I refrain from updaing my blogs sometime. I mean, it isn't like people are clamoring for a new post. I doubt if anyone ever reads this blog.

My angry prostate is raging. I hurt. To distract myself, I am writing more. I also talk to friends through the IM. I have been severely upset by the closing of geocities and the impending deletion of my website. I have asked for it to be archived. No word on that yet.

I had set a date for my suicide, August 19th, 2009, the last day of a week vacation from that cesspit of greed, recently reconfigured for more greed and less satisfation among the chattel, oh, I mean, customers. I am uncertain now. I am not really of a depressed mind. I just feel bad physically. I have recurrent constipation related to dehydration. The hot weather is hurting all of us.

Constipation is a double edged knife in me. It hurts and adds pressure on my angry prostate, which is inconviently next-door to the descending colon (large intestine). Why are we so upset about our bodies? The prostate gland is a gland immediately below the urinary bladder in males. It surrounds the upper part of the urethra, and when swollen, can cut off urine flow. Because of its location and vents into the urethra, urine can backflow into it, usually when he holds off peeing too long, and bacteria therein cause an infection.

It may have been how my recurrent prostatitis got started. I no longer can hold off peeing, when I got to go, I got to then. Dehydration may be harming me. I dont drink enough water because peeing for me feels like a wire brush scraping the inside of my urinary tract.

What is the prostate's function? Simply put, it is the primary source of the major ingredient in seminal fluid. Forget the little guys swimming in it, there is more to it than them. The liquid suspention of the seminal fluid is made by the prostate. Without it, there is no semen.

I never thought about it until mine started this now 2-year-old problem. I have severely limited mastrubation because the after effect of actually using the prostate in the climax, makes it hurt more.

I can no longer tell what normal feels like. A dull ache is in my lower parts (inside, not outside). Whatever the trouble is, it has so far spared my peeny. That is a good thing because it is never a good thing when peeny hurts.

I feel better when I talk about it. I would like just one day of relaxing. I will on my vacation, and go to a lake I love. Feeling better isn't a matter of a vacation, it is being away from sources of trouble to my anxiety disorder afflicted mind.

Arthelius also would like to add, "Say, don't you remember when it was just a nice thing?"

Yes, once. Long ago.

Oh, Hurting

I don't mean to complain or be pissy. Goodness knows, that I'd just like to take a day to myself, if that were possible.

Now, I am sitting here in my underwear because I am afraid that my pants will hurt me when I put them on.

I so wish that I had just an iota of Arthelius' strength or confidence.

I am hurting very badly because of ? Work, certainly. Maybe it was because I had to pee so badly when I got up.

No matter why, I am hurting. Nurse C will call me back and tell me what I can do, hopefully. She has been the one most helpul person in all this debacle.

Oh, and there's a new problem with work. I will elaborate on it later.

See ya'll later. I GTG.

100 Degrees

Gosh, it's hotter than a babylon whore outside. I don't mean to be boorish but old metaphors are kinda wore out, ya know?

Owwwwww! My personal unidentified urinary condition was way mellow yesterday. I felt not that bad. But this morning, whoa! It feels like a neutron bomb went off down there, with shocks during every step. I walk kinda fast, but I can't really now. I like to run but it hurts so bad to do it now.

My life is definately impacted by this. I mean, I had to leave work early because the pain was becoming unbearable. Even more so when sitting in the car.

I don't feel like Arthelius on these days. He doesn't sit around in his underwear because wearing pants hurts.

If you want to say a prayer for me or send me a message, it is most welcome. I have some great friends. I am blessed for that.

I go to a new urologist on Tuesday, after Dr. E all but abandoned me.

I do not believe in any medical help anymore.