Contribution

As I get closer to 40, a little over 11 months away now, a realization crept up on me.

I know people say a childless person isn't a bad thing. I don't know. From an evolutionary standpoint, it is an awful thing.

I believe in evolution. Nothing you can say can dissuade it. If you disagree, I will loan you my copy of 'From Lucy to Language' and see for yourself.

It was the anniversary of finding Lucy the Australopithecus afarensis not too long ago by Johansen and his team. They found her handful of bones in the Afar Depression in Ethiopia, a feature of Africa's Great Rift Valley. I know the story because it fascinates me, always has.

Would we be here without Lucy's kind? Doubtful.

Something had to come before.

Fast forward a couple of million years to my life. What if I do not contribute? I failed at life's primary goal since sexual differentiation untold billions of years ago.

Why? I have always been too shy. I remain so to this day. I have written a lot about that so let's not retread the subject.

I have not had a girlfriend, if you could call her that, since 2008. 2 and a half years together and never once anything sexual. Not even more than a hug and peck on the lips. 2 and half years.

This bothers me years after the fact. What did I do wrong? No! It wasn't my fault. I am patient, that is one of my character flaws or virtues depending on how you look at it.

I always thought she would react somehow but she never did. In fact, the way she described it, she was frigid like a spring day on Pluto.

No, I said I wouldn't talk about her anymore. I am just describing how she treated me.

She is the past. I have to focus on the now. I have to do things, meet new people, be more available. I tire of being here all the time. Sooner or later, there will be a car I can use instead of depending on my sister's truck.

Last summer, I said I would learn to swim and do other things. I didn't do a damned thing that I planned to.

I have swim trunks now, Speedos, if that is allowed. Black.

I plan to lose the belly some time. Recover my strength that I had when I was a stocker. I was a stocker from the Monday after I graduated high school to 2010. There were some hiccups along the way but it was something I did well and I like being part of a team.

I have spent too much time alone out here. My best friend moved to Indiana a long time ago. I don't have any other close friend.

Some are angry with me for the welfare check the LCSO did. I will not do that anymore.

I want to contribute, find a new love, learn to swim, travel to California, and see the ocean again.

That is not so hard. I want to see the GG Bridge for myself. I will bring my camera anywhere I go. It has been something I have wanted to see ever since I was a little kid and my grandfather told me about it.

If I was to meet a new girlfriend, I seem to get along with Californians more than anyone, that might not be a bad thing. I don't have an expectation.

If I don't contribute and have a child by age 50, I will consider it a failure.

Some things have to change before I could do such a thing. I will probably be on disability from now on, it doesn't have to pay for expensive internet, only because it is out here, miles from a proper town, and the directv? You don't know about the details here. I have to pay it. $176.

$176 could help in other ways. I cannot 'not' do it and keep the peace.

I have to go to the eye doctor and if I need new glasses, doubtful but one never knows, I will have to have the money. So I will be conserving in January.

If I can get medication, I can go out and be places again. Not that I will ever be outgoing, that isn't how my personality is programmed, as it were.

Whether I can contribute, that's up to Fate or something else.

No Love

Being inundated with commercials on tv about love being that St. Valentine's Day is nigh. How do you think that makes me feel?

Go back into the archive of my blog and you'll see when Jen was my girlfriend. It ended abruptly about this time of year in 2009. For a girl to say a video game means more to her than I did. I, ME, I terminated our relationship. How disrespectful and cruel can that be?!

I will never forgive her for that.

She wants to be my 'friend' still. No way, girl. I have never been hurt that way. I don't want to go through it again.

How has she affected my life? I hate green day with a passion because of her. I turn off the radio when they play. I reaffirmed my hatred of dogs because of her. Oh, just mentioning sex to her was a taboo subject. From a 30 year old female?!


I hate Warcraft because that was the game she said meant more than her. A fly by night plagiarized fantasy epic. Yes, it seems successful but it pales into comparison with Final Fantasy 7.

Sooner or later, Square-Enix will come along with something ultra awesome, they have before.

But this post is not about video games.

It is about the lonely life I have because of a girl. The Jen Effect.

Maybe I was not a good boyfriend. She never could understand why I have agoraphobia. She lacked empathy like that.

But understand, she was not a good girlfriend. She only called me when she wanted something. I took her home from work most nights. I never go to a public place to eat but I did for her. She made me go to movies I don't watch normally. She didn't like anything I do, Hard SF, Trance music, I liked Chill a lot then but it is not so appealing now. She hated it.

She considered the stories I write meaningless. Stupid girl, they are therapy for me.

It has been a long time now. I have not seen her in person since a few days before I left wm altogether. I don't want to ever see her again.

I am apprehensive about getting into another relationship. It just isn't worth tickling my anxiety feathers.

I won't write about Jen anymore. Some pain can be avoided. She doesn't use the web, or she didn't then. If she reads this, KMA Jen, demoness.

Could she be to blame for some of this agoraphobia? I think so. I used to be able to go somewhere, do stuff. I haven't been to the lake in 11 years. I haven't seen a movie in the theater since 'Avatar'. I used to go to Killeen all the time, only twice in the 5 years I have been away from wm.

It is hopeless and why I believe my life will end with suicide one day.

80s Music

I like 80s music. I did not get a chance to hear it when it was new as I was a child then and all my parents would listen to was Country.

I listen to it now and find inspiration in it that could have been relevant in the Jen time in my life. That girl still bothers me years after we broke up. I don't want to see or hear from her anymore. Non-entity.

Broke my heart and still it refuses to heal. I left wm indirectly because of her. I have been unemployed for nearly 4 years, though my anxiety disorder precludes me from working anymore.

I have no hope for a new girlfriend. I doubt that my anxiety would let her in. It also lends credence to the idea that all girls are inherently cruel, knowing the power they wield over a male heart.

I listen to 80s music because it is better than that worse than the algal scum that builds up on one's aquarium that passes for new music now.

Real talent, real melody and real songwriting.

I like Trance most, I love chill, and I listen to a rock station on the radio.

Ha ha, Jen hated Trance and chill. Good. Should have known then she wasn't the girl for me, despite the fact we had a lot of other things in common.

Now, no love in my life.

I don't think of it much anymore. Kinda lost hope. I can love vicariously through the characters in my stories.

Could this change? Yes, love is a healing power.

The Pain Jen Caused

You may or may not know that I had a girlfriend for two and a half years named Jennifer. 

Jen is small, cute, yellow haired. She has a friendly spirit and an immature streak. Just being with her was great, however, in that rather lengthy time for a casual relationship, she was nothing like a real girlfriend. 

She never called me unless she needed/wanted something. I would call her but it never seemed to get answered for whatever reason. 

Jen is one of those 'wait until marriage' girls. She is 30 now, likely still virginal but I have always suspected that she is not really like that given that she is from San Diego. Given what I know of California, it is socially unacceptable to be like that. 

She never let me touch her and gosh, I am not that kind of boy anyway. I never touch without permission. Kissing, err, she kissed me like she would kiss her brother. A peck.

I used to take her home from work, added 20 minutes to what had been a 35-minute trip home. I live 23 miles from the wm I worked in. I didn't mind. I mean, I like more time to listen to my music. 

Anyway, the bad things about Jen. An unhealthy affection for dogs. I hate dogs, never trust them, and the two I feed know who feeds them. They aren't mine, I do it for their owner who can't do it himself. 

Green Day, fuck Green Day. She loves them religiously. I refuse to listen to any Green Day song now, for it reminds me of her. 

Also, I do not know if she still plays Warcraft. I hope not. She was totally addicted to it. This really rankled my hide because I am an old Final Fantasy player, I saw things in warcraft that rip it and LOTR and other things off. Anyway, FF is descended from Dungeons & Dragons, but I digress.

One day, now closing on 3 Mays ago, Jen told me, that warcraft meant more to her than I did. I was shocked. I could not believe it. I told her if that was how things were, then it is over.

I have regretted that since that day. Maybe I should have been more caring and understanding. I mean, I know games fade after a while. I love FF9 and Chrono Cross is my favorite game and I get tired of it after a while. 

Unlike warcraft. I only had to pay for Chrono Cross once and it will always be there. 

Jen told me through text messaging that she is getting married. That cut a fresh wound in my heart, for you see, part of me still loves her. 

I am trying very hard to forget her. I have not seen her in nearly two years. 

She says that we will always be friends. Oh? Why doesn't she call? Send an e~mail? I do not go anywhere, I am not hard to find. 

No, that part of my life is shut down. No trust for a new gf. My next gf must be intellectual. That is a rare thing where I live. 

I won't talk about Jen anymore. I will forget her. 

It was because of her that I got involved with Malee, which cost me my job at wm. 

I should have never done that. I will forever regret it. 

Warcraft

This is a big kiss my ass to everyone who play World of Wacraft. You people are the biggest bunch of losers in the immediate solar neighborhood.

Let us talk about WOW. It is a pay per play service. It can cost a fair amount of money just for access and upgrades. In comparison, you can pay once and play Spore forever. You don't have to pay any more if you don't wish to.

WOW is a blantant ripoff of fantasy like LOTR and anyone who has played Final Fantasy for years would see elements of it in WOW. My favorite game is Final Fantasy IX, which is far more enjoyable than wrestling with a server and playing against 14-year-old pervs .

I played WOW for an hour once and I made up a hottie female character just to see what attention she would get and none of it was good.

My girlfriend is hopelessly addicted to WOW. She spends more on it than I do buying books and music. She uses her computer for no other purpose and it is ALL she talks about.

I read on the web that Blizzard is shortchanging people. You never saw Squaresoft or Enix, or their hybrid successor doing that.

BUY A PLAYSTATION 2 OR 3 and play Final Fantasy. Play Star Ocean or Chrono Cross, or any other of the superb RPG's on those platforms. FF13 will be HUGE.

I hope WOW is shut down and EA buys it so they can improve it and make it more appealing to everyone and less addiciting.

Might be a pipe dream. The great herd likes it and they cannot be dissuaded from a shiny toy they like.

3 cheers for my computer, which is saddled with crappy dial up but still performs admirably. I write with it, I listen to music on it, I watch movies on it, I play Spore, Sins of a Solar Empire, or any of the others but none of them keep me from web surfing and doing my thing.

If WOW is shut down, my gf just might show more attention to me.

Shock

Ever increasingly, I am frustrated with my frigid gf. Do you know that I have not even seen her belly button in the 14 months we have been a 'couple'?

She tells me that it is wroing to want sex from her. WTF??? It isn't a WANT, it is a NEED.

I trust her enough to undertake this most intimate of things. She does not understand this. She says it is 'against her religion'. What a freakin hypocrite. She does little else to demonstrate her Catholicism.

If anything, she will be damned for belittling human life. She is enamored with dogs. I wouldn't be surprised if she did sexual things with them.

Sick, true. She is sick in the head for behaving this way.

Enough about her. I humor her into believing I still love her. Part of me does but not the part that regulates my physicality.

The Shock came at work with a girl named Cat nearly exposed herself to me, apparently to shock me. She did a fine job of that because that ruffled my feathers big time. Cat is a cute Black girl that works in the front of the store. She is the polar opposite of Jen in personality.

If she becomes my sex friend, then Jen has only herself to blame.

Pull your head out of your ass, dear one, and realize, you are not getting younger.

I do not pressure anyone to do anything. I only accept gifts given freely.

I don't know. It is anxiety driven by my prostatic pain. I must know if I can still do it.

Why doesn't Jen understand this?

It is a question that may cost her a lifelong love and companion.

Just Awful

When I woke up today, I had a painful and mucus extracting cough that ravages my throat, I have it still, but it has been reined in a bit by DayQuil and Ricola.

I left work early because I feel awful and my cough is painful and embarrassing to me. I sneezed earlier and a gob of mucus hit my left shoe. Eww.

Oh. sorry, a 45 minute break whilst I took a bath/shower to get rid of a bone chilling coldness I had.

Anyway, I feel awful physically, sure, but it will eventually pass. There is another awful that is not so easy to displace.

I don't know why but many of the females in my work area talk about sex. Their experiences and how often they like to have it. It is a wonderful thing. I agree with that, but I haven't actually done it since the balmy late summer of y2k.

My mentally immature girlfriend refuses any talk of sex until we are married. Do I want to spend my elder years with this girl who considers her dogs her children, who has no idea of what life is really like? I am of the firm belief that when we do have sex, it will unlock this easiness to her charm. She will be better for it, not being so uptight and prudish all the time.

When those females talk of sex, I walk away. They remind me of what I do not have. I am stupidly loyal to Jen. But if I defer to her beliefs, then I may be 50 before even seeing her naked.

She has been my girlfriend for more than a year. When is it time to give up? I feel neglected by her and she wonders why I don't come to her spartan house that smells of dogs? Why doesn't she understand that I dont like dogs?

It does not make me a bad person. I am a cat person. I love my cats but they are pets, not family members. They stay outside and do what cats do, sleep and eat and crap.

I hope she reads this. I can't get the nerve to tell her how I feel sometimes. She gets upset so easy.

I am physically neglected by my girlfriend. Many say it is wrong and I should leave her but what is love but an overpowering force?

I woundn't mind in the least bit if I had a sex friend separate from my gf. She wounldn't know and if she did, I don't really think she'd care if she was not involved.

Arthelius had several sex friends and one true love. He did all right, but now he's spectral with a Wookie female who has all but inherited his legacy. Not that Marakka is anything like sensuously desireable from a human POV.

Ah, the trials of being a ghost. I envy that, really.