Garbage

If it is something I know about, it is garbage. I like watching the mechanical arm on this particular truck. Reminds me of the first scenes in 'The Terminator' (1984 film).



Garbage is prevalent. We human apes make so much of it. From packaging to unwanted or spoiled food to gross things that have been in one's refrigerator too long.

I have worked for 2 different grocery stores in my life. Then I worked for wm much later. The reason I worked in 2 different grocery stores is because one closed or I may still be there today instead on disability for my soul strangling anxiety disorder.

A grocery store produces a prolific amount of waste from bad produce to cardboard to plastic to whatever else. It smells awful and can be sickening.

I live in an apartment complex now and every so often, this truck comes and picks up the dumpster with that mechanical arm. That particular dumpster smells as bad as a grocery store's dumpster. Truly awful.

I could recount the time at wm when some idiot put a wooden pallet into the trash compactor. Being a small guy, I had to climb into the compactor and wrench it out of there.

It is true that I hate being dirty, this has been the case since I was a baby, so I am told. I don't mind getting dirty in the course of working but you will not avoid getting dirty if you have to take out the trash. Not if you aren't careful.

I take the garbage out when the kitchen waste can is full. It is full often because of packaging mainly. Jugs the tea comes in, cartons from cases of soda, watermelon rinds, discarded food and other things.

I don't like dealing with garbage but until we human apes figure out a better way to package things and have zero leftover food, it's going to happen.

Shave Check

I was able to shave today as it is 80 outside. Love 80 degree weather.

I shaved in the bathtub because I didn't want to tie up the other bathroom. Takes me 10-15 minutes to shave.

I hate shaving, it is one of the reasons I hate maleness. Yet, I do it because of self-image, comfort and I look less like my dad that way.

I got a haircut on Saturday. I do not know if you will like it. Have a look and see...

Male Pain

You can go search on Google or find the anatomy chart I posted in this blog to know where the prostate gland is.

It is at the base of the bladder, above the root of the penis. I always thought it was cool how this troublesome male organ is attached to the pubic bone. Saw it on my CT scan. My cup like pelvis.

My pain is because my prostate gland is damaged by psychological stress. It became damaged sometime in my time at walmart.

It always hurts, especially when I pee and much worse if I have to go poo. (forgive my language, I am consciously avoiding profanity)

The prostate gland's function is to secrete a fluid that is a vital component in semen. I am no stranger to semen, having done the m-thing many, many times in my life.

It is doubtful that I can reproduce in sex. It hurts to have sex. I learned this in my last experience. I am older now and less stressed than back then but I still hurt.

Mind, that this pain does NOT involve my penis or testicles. The latter hurt on their own sometimes, the whole system is connected.

This prostatitis is likely either because of grief-stress, or a bacterial infection. If it is a bacterial infection, usually caused by dehydration, stress, being sick, I did have a respiratory infection recently.

If it is a bacterial infection, I MUST go the doctor. That can mean serious badness.

This pain I feel is constant. I would describe it as a headache in the center of your pelvis.

To show that you can't tell it by looking, you can see my penis here. I am not posting such pictures in my blog.

I am not shy about my parts, too many medical tests done on them. I am just showing the hidden nature of my male pain.

I have chronic prostatitis, though infections happen sometimes.

I was told to take motrin (which I cannot take), do the m-thing (not possible when I am hurting) or take a very hot bath (possible).

I need to see Urology badly but they won't see me without insurance. I do not know how medicare fits into that.

I will sit here and hurt. Badly.

Apologies if you don't like this. It is part of my life, a serious part.

Finally Shave

It has been way too cold to shave. It was like 37 in the daytime on Tuesday, when I normally shave my face.

I shaved my other parts last night, chest to private areas. I do that with a Philips Bodygroom electric razor which cannot be used on face. Not unless you want to ravage your skin.

My skin's been ravaged enough recently.

The painful scratch is healing and doesn't hurt as badly but any pressure on it and it will. Because it is on the outer edge of my left 'cheek' I can sit with relatively no discomfort. (Sitting on a soft chair always hurts my prostate)

Anyhow, this time was my face with a Schick Hydro 3 razor and Aveeno face wash, shaving cream and aftershave lotion. I use Aveeno for a reason. My skin is sensitive. I mean, I dry out fiercely, even my male part does. I have been using a hydrating body wash so that helps.

I have Aveeno skin lotion, which I have used for a long time.

I was up earlier than normal today and took advantage of the 'warmest' part of the day to do this. Not that 56 is warm.

Here is my shave check picture:

My lips are critically dry and I did not do anything about it until after I shaved. Sorry for the blemish there.

Better Picture of the Scratch

This scratch hurts really bad. I assume that it will leave another scar when it does heal. I have started using the wm brand of Neosporin like my mom said to do.

I looked for ways to show it without showing my booty. You might not like that. I lifted my uninjured left hip up and held the camera tight to my hurt left flank.

This is what it looks like. It hurts bad, especially if I lay on it. Sleeping is hard with this.

If my skin glistens in the picture, that's the antibiotic lotion. I normally don't like lotion on my skin.

Painful Shave

It was Tuesday again. Time to shave. Actually, did it today because a powerful cold front is coming imminently. I remember those kinds of cold fronts when I was a kid. 
I'd be outside riding my bike or something else, spent a lot of time outside in the age before Playstations and cell phones and the like.

That may be the problem with kids nowadays but I don't have any so really, should it be my concern?
I cannot rule out that I never will. Surely a girl is still out there for me to love.

The point here is Shave Check and it is done. I need a new razor, mentioned that before and totally did not get one. Like an idiot, I totally forgot.

I have to shave 3 or 4 more times before I can get a new one. Just great.

Here is my shave check picture. Forgive the lighting, it is wintertime and the sun sets earlier.

Tuesday Again

You ought to know by now that I shave on Tuesdays. I hate shaving, it hurts. I would try electric but it doesn't do such a good job. I was unable to get a new razor.

When I go  to the store for the 1 time of the month, it is at night and the stupid wm associates working get in the way. When I worked at wm, you had to move or else. I guess they weren't told that.

I can't use the Bodygroom in the daytime, privacy issues. I am naked for my body shave, usually right before a shower. So, I will tonight.

I will post my pelvic shave check picture later if you want.

Instead, this is about my poor face. I cut my chin but it will be all right, that fucking razor slipped in my hand. It won't leave a blemish.

I will get a better razor and maybe change how I shave. I don't know, no one told me.

Shaving Hurts

I have written a lot about I hate being male. One of the things I hate most is body hair. Androgenic hair. One of the worst places is on the face.

I can shave other parts with my Bodygroom razor which is easier and hurts less. Cannot use it on face nor would I want to.

I use Aveeno products and I shave with a Schick Hydro 3-blade razor. It may be time for a new one that doesn't hurt so bad.

I shave every Tuesday. The idea is to focus and people to leave me alone. That is true much of the time but especially here.

Why does it hurt? One is dragging sharp pieces of metal across the face. Why would you think it doesn't hurt? I think of girls who shave their armpits, legs, sometimes the private area. Is this not as painful?

Have no way of knowing.

All I know is that as long as I grow androgenic hair, I will shave it off. Maybe in the future, they can depilate hair with light instead of a sharp piece of metal.

Not that I could afford such a thing. Here is my shave check picture...

Still cute at 39? I hope so.

MeUndies

I have been a subscriber of MeUndies for more than a year. It abruptly ended a few weeks ago when the start-up company changed its subscription plan to ? I still don't know what changed or how much it costs.

Does it still cost $16? I mean, I can get C-IN2 Core Profile briefs (My favorite underwear) for $16 as well.

I want to help small businesses when possible. So what if it is in California and not Texas? If the product is good, keep it going.

I can't describe it better than showing you a picture. It is feeling and I don't want to get too tmi here.

I will stay with MeUndies if it does not price itself out of my budget, which is my fear.

I have black, purple, yellow, patterns, and 'love-me' briefs. I wear the black most often. Depends on color matching in my clothes.

Here is the picture.

If I lost weight, I know I would look better. I am not fat but this belly.....

Ouch

I shave every Tuesday or so, Hate Sunday next time because I have to go to the store that night.

I was too warm, this summer refuses to let go. Should have been cold by now but nope, I need to wash my warm clothes. Haven't worn them since April.

As yet again, I cannot get a ride to the Laundromat and laundry has become huge so I doubt if I have enough money to do it. I use 2 machines, one for towels and pants and one for everything else.

I use 2 dryers the same way. I may have to use three if it is too huge. I will get a laundry bag for my warm clothes.

My male pain is very bad but to get tmi for a moment, I have an ant bite on my anal area. The left side of the orifice is swollen a little bit. I didn't notice this until I took a shave check picture. Can't post it here without making my blog an 'adult' one and you know, my cousin reads this. I don't want to be too exposed.

Instead, you can see my face Shave Check image. I was distracted by a game show on tv and cut... fool.

So Angry

I don't use the phrase 'pissed-off' ever but I am using it now because I am.

I have mentioned on several occasions in the past that I cannot sleep without my radio. It is something I have done since I was child, it will be something I will do until I am gone.

What happened? The local electric power cooperative shut off the power some time between 7 am and it came back on just before 12 pm. The stated reason was to perform upgrades to their power system. Maybe it won't be so threadbare.

I have said we haven't had a bad thunderstorm go through here in some time. We have had big wind and small hail but not la tormenta, the supercell storms.

In one of those types of storms, the power usually always goes out. Sitting in the dark, scared enough that you would pee in your pants. Storms like that stroke my anxiety with a wire bbq grill cleaning brush.

I did not get much sleep, like 2 hours. I woke up because my radio was off. I feel like hell. I didn't want to shave but I did because I need to flip to the 'white-gray' part of my color pattern which is suffering mightily because I can't get a ride to the Laundromat to wash my dirty clothes.

Feelings will moderate and I will chill. Being angry causes stress which damaged my prostate gland. I was angry at wm a lot when I worked there.

I am sorry if my shave check picture reflects this. I am still angry.

Not a Bad Picture

I shave every Tuesday or so. It is getting colder and soon I will have to think of a way of not freezing as I stand there in my underwear splashing water on my skin. Not to mention that the shave gel is cold, so is the aftershave lotion.

I take shave check pictures before applying the aftershave.

I am becoming cognizant that natural lighting is better for pictures than the glare of those curly mini-fluorescent lights that cost more than the old kind but are generally better.

There is a lot I still have to learn about my camera (Canon PowerShot SX 160 IS).

This is the picture I took today, I don't look so bad. I wish a female would say so.

On my forehead is a little mark. When I was fixing the water line 3 days ago, I hit my head on a part of the floor structure. It will go away eventually. If you touch it, it hurts. I should have been more careful.

Scourge

I have mentioned the ant problem here before. Since this fucking summer refuses to end with its 90+ degree days, they persist.

I wonder what the cumulative effect of these ant bites are having on me. They are in my clothes basket, they are on the floor, I was bitten on the peena after my shower a while ago.

I don't know what to do. They were on my bed as I slept yesterday. Lucky I wear socks and sweatpants.

I am posting a picture of my most affected left thigh, near the knee. It has the most bites in a particular area though I have bites on my right leg, two on my right foot, one on my left middle toe, I have three or four on my left arm and two on my right hand.

This is my leg. Forgive the paleness, I am a white guy, you know.

I know this will leave my pale hide scarred. I hate it so. It itches and burns and seems to have no relief.

I am most often bitten after my shower, getting the animals' food, changing clothes, and going barefooted, which I never do usually.

It is a scourge.

Awful Situation

I don't know if I mentioned it before but my sister is a tetradisaster. Everything she touches is destroyed. This includes the unstable quietness here.

She knows I have anxiety disorder but continues to wale on it like whipping it with a barbed wire wrapped stick.

She was doing this as I was getting ready to go wash my clothes for the first time in three weeks. Oh, so angry, shaking. She caused extreme panic last night by running all the gas out of the truck so that I barely made it to Cove. Talk about a white-knuckle ride, it was.

Now, it was generally known that I was going to wash clothes. I had to do another thing that is nearing its completion.

My sister's harangue caused a panic reaction so I forgot what shoes I was wearing. I had to avoid before she provokes a suicidal panic.

So, I left the house, only to find the Laundromat I have used for almost 20 years is closed. I went to a newer one that is more expensive and had to endure an hour of 'The Dog Whisperer'. (ick... :( I don't think so.) An unfamiliar area and the general discomfort of sunlight and people speaking a language I have a limited understanding of (Spanish).

This was awful. I had to go to the bank for more quarters. I hadn't noticed until I was leaving to go back to the truck. My shoes....

If I had a gun, I would shoot myself. My sister caused the anxiety that led to me wearing the wrong shoes. I can't believe it. It's not like I can feel a difference. They fit the same.

I don't know if I will be okay. You know, Hate Sunday is coming up.

I am posting a picture of my shoes so you can see. It's fucking stupid. I feel terrible. Stupid. Unworthy.

This would be my old shoe and new shoe, both New Balance. I went into the sunlight to show this.

I am serious. I thought about hanging myself. Then something I read a long time ago that when a male is hung, he generally has an involuntary erection. I don't want to be found like that. So I dismissed this for the time being but you know, it is going to happen again.

It may be time to use my Medicare and go get help before I do act on this thinking and kill myself.

A Better Shave

I hate shaving and I hate facial hair more. I wish I didn't have it. I shave every Tuesday because it hurts to do it more.

Dragging sharp pieces of metal across your skin seems barbaric. Why can't they find an economical way to do away with androgenic hair?

I took it slowly this time but I wish the shave gel was warm, it was cold. Heating a pressurized can is beyond stupid. Might think of another way, like when it is in the shave bowl.

I wonder why it is okay to shave far more sensitive skin with a Bodygroom electric razor but it cannot be used on face. I don't like electric face razors. I have one for when it is too cold to wet shave.

I will get a new one before the next cold time.

I could post all of my shave check pictures but do you want to see that?

Just my face this time.

Where I Hurt

In this picture is male anatomy. Forgive me but it is here to show where I hurt.

Notice where the prostate gland is.


In this picture, it is very clear as to why pooing is so painful for me. It is right by the rectum. I have read in many places, stimulating a male's prostate gland is sexually pleasing.

Not so for me. My prostate is a clarion bell of pain, it radiates out from there.

The blue area in the picture is where I hurt when I pee, warm acid feeling and I guess sphincter pain. It feels like it resisted opening sometimes. That's not good, is it?

I remember when Dr. H performed a 'prostate massage' in 2009. He squished it with considerable force, causing me to have an extremely embarrassing reaction. Made a mess, actually.

He said that this must be done every once and a while. However, the urology clinic won't help me with medicare. (What good is it, then?)

My male parts function normally otherwise. I could have a sexual encounter if anxiety did not prevent it. Anxiety can kill excitement like a switch. This happened in my last sexual experience in mid-action. That was so embarrassing, I could feel the beet red blush on my face. I never could do it again with her (Malee).

I have only had 3 girlfriends in my life. One was when I was 24 and Jen.... with whom I had no physical relation. Malee was not my friend, she was a sex friend. I cannot justify having one of those again. It gets too complicated.

I would like my parts removed. All of it but they are not likely to do that without a medical need. I need them if I am to ever have a child.

I saw on CNN today about an old corrupt elderly politician running for Congress. He has a 25 year old 'wife' and a 1-year-old son by him.

This is why I cannot rule it out. I am only 38. I just can't with anxiety.

Arthelius the Ghost, who has no male parts that are tangible, said, 'Not having the constant need is like 'purity'.'

I guess I will not achieve 'purity'.

A Picture of Me

The last shave check picture was in a word.... unflattering. I took this picture at night, after my shower.

I do not know if I am attractive and to whom. No one ever tells me.

I hope someone does.

Anxiety Rage

I do not know if I still have dia-icky, I have not gone yet since it happened. This is not unusual for me.

When you call me names, insinuate things I am not, just dig and dig, this provokes anxiety. Powerful anxiety. Sweat, tremor, distress. I seem stronger in these times and feel extremely avoidant.

This anxiety is untreated. It is like a monster. Being calm keeps it at bay but how in the fuck can you stay calm when you are called names, etc.....?

It was anxiety like this that almost made me kill myself. It was why I left Wal-Mart all those years ago now.

I don't like being alone, anxiety goes into hyper-vigilance, however, if that is what it takes to end this dig and dig, I must do it.

How can I get help if I have no money? I would be a drain on whatever outfit helped me. Why would I do something like that? It's not right.

I pay about 10% of my monthly benefit for medicare. I have not used it, I don't know how. I need a medicare-supplemental insurance plan to help pay for this sticky mess that is medicare.

What good would it do? Would it cover the metascale trouble that my anxiety disorder is?

I get so upset. I can't write, I can't enjoy things. I just sit here and sulk like a little girl. I am 38 years old, I CANNOT accept being this way.

I wish I was really a ghost, they don't have these problems. Anxiety disorder may be caused by something in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains or any other gooey organs, for that matter.

Instead, I will remain here in my shell and not harm myself. The heat of August is doing that just fine by itself.

It was one of these times when I hurt myself in the past. Much time has passed since then.

I won't hurt myself and have to need my medicare to get help. I mean, I seriously thought of cutting off my male parts. That would be fatal. As nice as that sounds, I am not ready yet.

Oh, one more thing that upsets me to the core. Someone broke the screen of my LG Neon cell phone. I have to get a new one and I am stressing over which one to get. My # shouldn't change, it would be a lot of trouble if it did.

I am posting this picture of the crack if you are interested.

Male Pain

Forgive me, I had to show you what hurts and where. In this picture, the prostate is that yellowish thing at the base of the bladder.

You can see how the rectum comes down and it expands and contracts as it fills and empties.

My pain is focused on the prostate, those parts that look like plumbing and in the very inside base of the peena.

When poo comes down to be eliminated from the body, it builds up in the rectum and causes expansion. This expansion is what you feel when you need to poo. In me, it expands like that and presses on these parts causing intense pain.

I always hurt in these parts, especially during and after I pee. The pain can sear down the urethra, the tube leading from the bladder to outside.

Mind that urology won't help me. I don't have health insurance, I have Medicare. I don't know how to use it. I don't know what to do really but hurt, and I mean hurt. I can't wear jeans for very long. I can't even wear certain kinds of underwear. My C-IN2 and MeUndies briefs do not hurt me.

I wear briefs because I have always worn briefs and that is what I like. I have tried boxer briefs in the past but I don't like them.

I don't care what other guys wear. I like what I like. I hope this picture gives you an idea of where I hurt. This pain can be anywhere in the parts, but is focused on the prostate, it's all interconnected.

I guess I will hurt here for the rest of my life. It has been 5 years now since this started.

If I could have it all removed, I would. I would hurt no more, I believe.

Relieved

My financial goof is fixed. I will have a chicken dinner later.

I have been hurting. It is my male pain, in my testicles and prostate, it burns always, especially when I pee.

I do not trust medicare, I don't know how to use it. I don't know anything about it. If I went to the doctor, I don't know how much it would cost.

Besides that, it would likely result in a DRE. I don't want that, no more than I want to drive a nail into my foot. The discomfort is the same for me.

I have been wearing my MeUndies because they don't hurt me like some other briefs do. Jeans hurt me the worst. I wear sweat pants most of the time.

It is the poo pain too, pressure on my prostate. How can anyone think the human design is the penultimate of nature? We are just another animal species.

Oh, here is the shave check picture as I shaved yesterday. I don't know if my face is feminizing. That diabetes doctor said it was a possibility with Low T. And mine is critically low.