I don't feel so bad.
I have been hungry, eating once a day. I mean, I had a frozen pizza from dinner. This is what happens when one is paid once a month.
Fortunately, that time of the month is nigh. I think ahead about food. I get stressed if I have uncertainty in food.
I hate eating anymore, it makes me feel icky. But if I do not, I feel worse.
I am content with simple things. I don't like fried food unless it is chicken. I hope to have some chicken as it is a rare thing anymore.
If I don't quit drinking this sugar-laden tea, there will be consequences. My DNA report said I am susceptible to Type II Diabetes. Hard to imagine with a lightweight like me.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Hate
I don't hate anyone. I don't have contact with many people on a daily level, being agoraphobic.
I have enmity, for Jen, but that was because she hurt me. I don't hate her.
I have a strong dislike to some others.
But who reads my blog? From foreign countries? Would it kill you to leave a comment? You can do so anonymously.
I am growing to strongly dislike this whole thing. Life. None of it matters. I fight a daily battle not to go outside, strip to my underwear and hang myself from a tree.
Goodness knows I have thought of it often.
I have enmity, for Jen, but that was because she hurt me. I don't hate her.
I have a strong dislike to some others.
But who reads my blog? From foreign countries? Would it kill you to leave a comment? You can do so anonymously.
I am growing to strongly dislike this whole thing. Life. None of it matters. I fight a daily battle not to go outside, strip to my underwear and hang myself from a tree.
Goodness knows I have thought of it often.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Personal Concern
This post concerns my genitals, so you may not want to read it.
I have talked about the m-thing before. I do it usually every 2 days because it hurts my prostate. However, as Dr. H said, I have to do it to clear the prostate or else I get a bacterial infection and those are never good.
So, starting about two weeks ago, as I was excited, I noticed a swollen blood vessel, nerve or some other tube like thing that hurts to touch on the left side and underside of my peena. This worries me, considering the previous post.
Some might say doing the m-thing caused it. But if that was the case, why is it happening now? I have done the m-thing since I was a teenager.
If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have to do the m-thing. Just saying.
This swollen nerve like thing in my peena inhibits erections. I can but it fades quickly as this thing hurts.
I'm sorry if this is tmi but this is my blog. I will go to the doctor on Friday assuming this thing doesn't go away. I have to know what it is. I told you before, I don't like to be conscious of my peena and I am because this thing hurts. Stings if I lay on it like I am face down in bed, which I don't sleep like that. I am a side sleeper.
Add to that the ever present pain in my prostate and the whole pelvic region hurts. I suppose it is nothing new, if you read the early parts of this blog.
I have talked about the m-thing before. I do it usually every 2 days because it hurts my prostate. However, as Dr. H said, I have to do it to clear the prostate or else I get a bacterial infection and those are never good.
So, starting about two weeks ago, as I was excited, I noticed a swollen blood vessel, nerve or some other tube like thing that hurts to touch on the left side and underside of my peena. This worries me, considering the previous post.
Some might say doing the m-thing caused it. But if that was the case, why is it happening now? I have done the m-thing since I was a teenager.
If I had a girlfriend, I wouldn't have to do the m-thing. Just saying.
This swollen nerve like thing in my peena inhibits erections. I can but it fades quickly as this thing hurts.
I'm sorry if this is tmi but this is my blog. I will go to the doctor on Friday assuming this thing doesn't go away. I have to know what it is. I told you before, I don't like to be conscious of my peena and I am because this thing hurts. Stings if I lay on it like I am face down in bed, which I don't sleep like that. I am a side sleeper.
Add to that the ever present pain in my prostate and the whole pelvic region hurts. I suppose it is nothing new, if you read the early parts of this blog.
Skin Cancer Risk?
My DNA report says this....
Squamous cell carcinoma
| Journal | Cancer Res |
| Study Size |  |
| Replications | None |
| Contrary Studies | None |
| Applicable Ethnicities | European |
| Marker | rs12203592 |
In this study, researchers compared 537 individuals with squamous cell carcinoma (SCC) to 1504 healthy controls, all of European descent. The researchers found that each copy of a T at rs12203592 within the IRF4 gene was associated with about 1.7 times higher odds of SCC.
| Who | Genotype | What It Means |
|---|---|---|
| Gregory Thompson | TT | Substantially higher odds of developing SCC. |
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
Genetically
I sent off for a DNA test in late August. I finally got the results.
Oh, gosh, it said I have blue eyes. Yes, I do.
It said I am of nearly 100% Northern European descent. Yes, again, my ancestors were primarily Scottish.
It said I have 2.7% Neanderthal DNA. That makes me wonder from who it came from, a horny human male poking a poor Neanderthal female or a human female captured by a Neanderthal clan. Either seems likely.
Neanderthals lived from about 130k years ago to at least 27k years ago. They were not exactly like us, some differences. Still human enough to recognize.
Why they vanished is a troubling mystery. It should have been us who vanished. Wouldn't have the troubles we do now.
Arguing over health care, a basic human right. What the fuck? What is the real motive here? It could be greed, protecting interests, the fact that some racist bastards in the congress do not like President Obama. It could be simple ignorance or apathy.
Stupid, it's just stupid.
The test said I am not at risk for most diseases but arthritis.... that was no surprise.
I will study the DNA report some more and if you have a question, do comment, please.
Oh, gosh, it said I have blue eyes. Yes, I do.
It said I am of nearly 100% Northern European descent. Yes, again, my ancestors were primarily Scottish.
It said I have 2.7% Neanderthal DNA. That makes me wonder from who it came from, a horny human male poking a poor Neanderthal female or a human female captured by a Neanderthal clan. Either seems likely.
Neanderthals lived from about 130k years ago to at least 27k years ago. They were not exactly like us, some differences. Still human enough to recognize.
Why they vanished is a troubling mystery. It should have been us who vanished. Wouldn't have the troubles we do now.
Arguing over health care, a basic human right. What the fuck? What is the real motive here? It could be greed, protecting interests, the fact that some racist bastards in the congress do not like President Obama. It could be simple ignorance or apathy.
Stupid, it's just stupid.
The test said I am not at risk for most diseases but arthritis.... that was no surprise.
I will study the DNA report some more and if you have a question, do comment, please.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Admission
I have no girlfriend. This is largely because of my agoraphobia. I don't go anywhere. My life experience has taught me that it isn't that hard to befriend a girl. I have friends still back from the days when I could still go out in public. It has never been easy.
Now I turn 38 in less than a month. I am very unsure if I will ever have a child. It is too late. Too late in my life to be a father. I couldn't be a father, I just can't deal. It is why I don't mind using protection in sex.
Sex, the last time was in December of 2009. Could it happen again? Yes. I don't have the constant anxiety-grind I did when I was at wm. I have constant prostate pain but there is a powerful need sometimes, not all the time.
I have gotten so used to self-gratification, it becomes the only way to sate this need. Dr. H, the urologist said it was necessary for prostate health. So, okay. I don't actually doing it, it hurts afterward. And because I shave my parts, the skin is sorta sensitive.
I just want some love. It's not so hard. I am a sweet guy. I have empathy and I care.
If I am alone in my elder life, I could just give up and hang myself. I feel worse when alone.
However, no one cares. People read this and their apathy becomes apparent, just visiting to see things and opinions of mine. No comments in the history of this blog, save for one about the ruin of my car.
Is it so hard to love me?
Now I turn 38 in less than a month. I am very unsure if I will ever have a child. It is too late. Too late in my life to be a father. I couldn't be a father, I just can't deal. It is why I don't mind using protection in sex.
Sex, the last time was in December of 2009. Could it happen again? Yes. I don't have the constant anxiety-grind I did when I was at wm. I have constant prostate pain but there is a powerful need sometimes, not all the time.
I have gotten so used to self-gratification, it becomes the only way to sate this need. Dr. H, the urologist said it was necessary for prostate health. So, okay. I don't actually doing it, it hurts afterward. And because I shave my parts, the skin is sorta sensitive.
I just want some love. It's not so hard. I am a sweet guy. I have empathy and I care.
If I am alone in my elder life, I could just give up and hang myself. I feel worse when alone.
However, no one cares. People read this and their apathy becomes apparent, just visiting to see things and opinions of mine. No comments in the history of this blog, save for one about the ruin of my car.
Is it so hard to love me?
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Typhoon Francisco
Lovely from above though. I was feeling bad so I posted a tropical cyclone picture. I still feel bad. Sorry.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Hurting
I always hurt. Male pain, the pain caused by my prostate gland. It is stress-damaged. I have eye-head pain because I look at a computer screen all the time. I write stories so what else could I do?
I have odd pains, like earlier, my left knee hurt for no apparent reason. I have never injured my knees other than normal bruises by banging into something. I can be clumsy sometimes.
I have more severe emotional pain. It is variable day to day. It can happen on its own but a catalyst can cause it, usually my loneliness, personal sense of shame or what other people say/do.
Hurting. I can't take ibuprofen. It hurts my stomach. I take Tylenol and it helps. I have been recently having severe tooth pain, though it is caused by an exposed nerve in an out of the way place. My teeth have suffered severely for my high-sugar diet. I have a powerful sweet tooth.
I don't drink much soda, no more than one a day and that is when I first wake up. Perversely, I drink orange juice at the end of the day.
My 'day' is from around 230 pm to 5 or 6 am. I am a night person, always have been. Even when I was in high school. As a person who needs more than the average amount of sleep, 9 to 11 hours, this hasn't always been a good thing.
Also, I have a belly, I am almost 38, metabolism isn't what it used to be. I am sort of self-conscious about it. I am going to join a fitness club when I can afford it.
I hurt every time I pee, or the other thing especially. If you know something of male anatomy, you know what I am talking about.
It is a pain I am accustomed to.
Do you have pain as well? I mean, sooner or later, I and most others will develop arthritis. I fear mine has already begun with these mysterious joint pains, my hips and fingers especially.
I sent off for a DNA test to see exactly what will happen. It is almost ready, I will let y'all know what it says.
I have odd pains, like earlier, my left knee hurt for no apparent reason. I have never injured my knees other than normal bruises by banging into something. I can be clumsy sometimes.
I have more severe emotional pain. It is variable day to day. It can happen on its own but a catalyst can cause it, usually my loneliness, personal sense of shame or what other people say/do.
Hurting. I can't take ibuprofen. It hurts my stomach. I take Tylenol and it helps. I have been recently having severe tooth pain, though it is caused by an exposed nerve in an out of the way place. My teeth have suffered severely for my high-sugar diet. I have a powerful sweet tooth.
I don't drink much soda, no more than one a day and that is when I first wake up. Perversely, I drink orange juice at the end of the day.
My 'day' is from around 230 pm to 5 or 6 am. I am a night person, always have been. Even when I was in high school. As a person who needs more than the average amount of sleep, 9 to 11 hours, this hasn't always been a good thing.
Also, I have a belly, I am almost 38, metabolism isn't what it used to be. I am sort of self-conscious about it. I am going to join a fitness club when I can afford it.
I hurt every time I pee, or the other thing especially. If you know something of male anatomy, you know what I am talking about.
It is a pain I am accustomed to.
Do you have pain as well? I mean, sooner or later, I and most others will develop arthritis. I fear mine has already begun with these mysterious joint pains, my hips and fingers especially.
I sent off for a DNA test to see exactly what will happen. It is almost ready, I will let y'all know what it says.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Added Worry
You may or may not know. I am on SS for my Anxiety Disorder. I mean, this condition is sometimes suicidal. I contemplate sometimes, which distresses me.
Now with the US Government shut down, will SS come in November? If the Govt defaults, will this be the end of my livelihood?
I worry more as the bastards bicker over ideology while the country burns. Didn't they learn from history? We are going the way of Ancient Rome.
I sincerely hope someone settles this, grows a spine, channels past politicians, whatever, get them to see sense and fix this problem.
As I said, I am feeling anxiety-distress. This will get worse if my livelihood is threatened.
Now with the US Government shut down, will SS come in November? If the Govt defaults, will this be the end of my livelihood?
I worry more as the bastards bicker over ideology while the country burns. Didn't they learn from history? We are going the way of Ancient Rome.
I sincerely hope someone settles this, grows a spine, channels past politicians, whatever, get them to see sense and fix this problem.
As I said, I am feeling anxiety-distress. This will get worse if my livelihood is threatened.
Emotion
I have said before that I think I have a female soul. Then again, is a soul gender specific? I am emotive, I have empathy and sensitivity, too much sensitivity. Stressed to the max, became Anxiety Disorder.
Who has Anxiety Disorder? Primarily females do. I am not female. How does this figure then? What part of me is female? None physically. My mind isn't female. It is something far deeper.
Why does emotion affect me so? It doesn't affect other guys like this? Why did Jen hurting me like that still hurts, four years after the fact? It forced my anxiety to recoil, pulling me back into my shell. I will likely never get out.
I can see pictures of loved ones who have gone and I cry. Why? Crying doesn't bring them back. It is emotion.
Why do I have empathy? I mean compared to my sister, she lacks certain traits like this. Did I inherit them all, being firstborn?
Like I said, I am not female. I am as male as any other guy. I just am more sensitive than a lot of them.
This over-sensitivity can have consequences as I get older.
People say 'grow up, suck it up' Whatever. You do not feel what I do. I am emotive. You couldn't deal with this feeling. A lifetime of this feeling and I can barely deal.
I'm sorry. I feel anxiety-distress right now. I will be okay later.
Who has Anxiety Disorder? Primarily females do. I am not female. How does this figure then? What part of me is female? None physically. My mind isn't female. It is something far deeper.
Why does emotion affect me so? It doesn't affect other guys like this? Why did Jen hurting me like that still hurts, four years after the fact? It forced my anxiety to recoil, pulling me back into my shell. I will likely never get out.
I can see pictures of loved ones who have gone and I cry. Why? Crying doesn't bring them back. It is emotion.
Why do I have empathy? I mean compared to my sister, she lacks certain traits like this. Did I inherit them all, being firstborn?
Like I said, I am not female. I am as male as any other guy. I just am more sensitive than a lot of them.
This over-sensitivity can have consequences as I get older.
People say 'grow up, suck it up' Whatever. You do not feel what I do. I am emotive. You couldn't deal with this feeling. A lifetime of this feeling and I can barely deal.
I'm sorry. I feel anxiety-distress right now. I will be okay later.
Friday, October 11, 2013
A Picture of Me
Yes, I need a haircut. This will be remedied soon. I hope the mysterious readers of my blog like this.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
What's Comfortable?
Okay, I said I wouldn't talk about underwear anymore but I have this slightly embarrassing admission. I read on a website that it is okay for a guy to wear panties. I am not about to wear frilly feminine looking panties in pink or red or pastel colors.
So I ordered a pair from VS. What's VS? You can figure it out. A black pair, high cut, almost identical to the Mansilk low cut brief. Almost identical? Well, given that the Mansilk is made of silk, that is different but the VS is like flex blend. I don't know what really. I have worn the VS all day and I like it.
Some underwear make you poke out, the 'enhancement' pouch. What the F is that? I don't need to advertise the fact that I have a peeny. I like it restrained, discreet.
I had an incident when I was a young teenager in school that I have never forgotten. Given that at my age, it is not so easy to get excited just like that, I swore that I wouldn't let it show ever again.
It took me this many years to try something new. So what? I wear panties. Not all of the time, nor is it quite compatible with my laundry cycle.
I have black VS and Felina panties, size 5. They look and are generally the same as the male version of that kind of brief. I have Mansilk and C-IN2 briefs like that.
Also, that kind of brief is cheaper than the male version. It takes some getting used to. I wouldn't try it if my genitals were any bigger. I am a little above average as it is.
Okay, no more talk about underwear. For real. I just talk about what is comfortable. I am not the only guy who has tried this, so don't judge.
So I ordered a pair from VS. What's VS? You can figure it out. A black pair, high cut, almost identical to the Mansilk low cut brief. Almost identical? Well, given that the Mansilk is made of silk, that is different but the VS is like flex blend. I don't know what really. I have worn the VS all day and I like it.
Some underwear make you poke out, the 'enhancement' pouch. What the F is that? I don't need to advertise the fact that I have a peeny. I like it restrained, discreet.
I had an incident when I was a young teenager in school that I have never forgotten. Given that at my age, it is not so easy to get excited just like that, I swore that I wouldn't let it show ever again.
It took me this many years to try something new. So what? I wear panties. Not all of the time, nor is it quite compatible with my laundry cycle.
I have black VS and Felina panties, size 5. They look and are generally the same as the male version of that kind of brief. I have Mansilk and C-IN2 briefs like that.
Also, that kind of brief is cheaper than the male version. It takes some getting used to. I wouldn't try it if my genitals were any bigger. I am a little above average as it is.
Okay, no more talk about underwear. For real. I just talk about what is comfortable. I am not the only guy who has tried this, so don't judge.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Cold Returns
I have written about this before. It has not been a concern since the early part of May. It took a while this season to get to the 100 degree days typical of summers here.
Yet, they came and sweaty, sticky was the rule of the days. I can tolerate hot weather, I mean, every summer of my life, and I have been through 37 of them, has been roasty hot.
Cold is another matter. I get so cold. My feet go numb, as do my hands. I shiver, I wear heavy fabric sweatshirts and my Stars jersey. I dread going to the bathroom or taking a shower when it is cold, it gets COLD in here.
I am never barefooted if I can help it. Of course, I take my socks off when I bathe but usually the first thing I put on are a fresh pair of socks. I have to wear socks, I am uncomfortable without them.
Yes, I sleep with socks on, I have to. I can't stand my feet getting cold or tactile sensation as they are sensitive.
Cold is part of life. I mean, it could be worse. Think of the Neanderthal times, the Pleistocene, Ice Age. Cold was all the time there. I am glad that it isn't in our time.
Snow is rare here but it happens sometimes in the winter season, although a couple of years ago, it snowed in April here.
Also, it can ice up here pretty bad but that hasn't happened in the last few years. If this coming winter is a counterbalance to the bygone summer, it is going to be brutally cold.
I am not looking forward to it. My body just doesn't like cold.
Yet, they came and sweaty, sticky was the rule of the days. I can tolerate hot weather, I mean, every summer of my life, and I have been through 37 of them, has been roasty hot.
Cold is another matter. I get so cold. My feet go numb, as do my hands. I shiver, I wear heavy fabric sweatshirts and my Stars jersey. I dread going to the bathroom or taking a shower when it is cold, it gets COLD in here.
I am never barefooted if I can help it. Of course, I take my socks off when I bathe but usually the first thing I put on are a fresh pair of socks. I have to wear socks, I am uncomfortable without them.
Yes, I sleep with socks on, I have to. I can't stand my feet getting cold or tactile sensation as they are sensitive.
Cold is part of life. I mean, it could be worse. Think of the Neanderthal times, the Pleistocene, Ice Age. Cold was all the time there. I am glad that it isn't in our time.
Snow is rare here but it happens sometimes in the winter season, although a couple of years ago, it snowed in April here.
Also, it can ice up here pretty bad but that hasn't happened in the last few years. If this coming winter is a counterbalance to the bygone summer, it is going to be brutally cold.
I am not looking forward to it. My body just doesn't like cold.
Friday, October 4, 2013
TS Karen
I'm sorry it is not a beautiful in depth RGB image, those looked overexposed. This is an IR cloud scan of the Gulf of Mexico.
Should TS Karen become a hurricane and looks swirly, I'll post another picture of it.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Shutdown
Let me preface this by admitting that I am of the Democratic persuasion.
What is it with ideology? Are they loyal to it or the Constitution the swore to uphold? If they were like this truly, then they are traitors to the United States.
Who are 'they'? They are these tea party filth infecting the Congress. Any party that advocates stripping rights, benefits, and vitals from the public should be tarred and feathered and set on fire. Sadly, that is not acceptable in our society.
Why is the government shut down? Arcane rules set forth more than 225 years ago? Yes, those rules protect us and our freedom and should be upheld to the highest standard. This factionalism is anti-Constitution. I do not know what to say about it, the last time this happened, I was a young adult.
I have always admired President Clinton despite his personal mistakes. He could pull us out of this mess.
What would President Theodore Roosevelt have done? Would someone go back in time 115 years and get him? We could use his help.
Nobody in Congress is innocent. Those without spines are as complicit as this douchebag Cruz who is not Texan. I am Texan, I did not hear of him until he ran for office. Yes, our state government is plagued by similar douchebags but their time is ending. Texas will be Democratic again, like it was for the last 130 years before W. Fairweather voters go with who is popular. This is dangerous.
Having an R by your name ought to mean that you are socially and intellectually retarded.
Not all Republicans are bad. Those who are not are a pale handful compared to the tide of filth infecting the House of Representatives.
I may hate conservatism but I see the need for duality in any decision. Extremes in either direction are dangerous and should not be allowed to run for office.
How do you properly vet someone to expose extremism and intolerance?
I have no more to say on the matter. I am ashamed to be an American because of this shutdown.
What is it with ideology? Are they loyal to it or the Constitution the swore to uphold? If they were like this truly, then they are traitors to the United States.
Who are 'they'? They are these tea party filth infecting the Congress. Any party that advocates stripping rights, benefits, and vitals from the public should be tarred and feathered and set on fire. Sadly, that is not acceptable in our society.
Why is the government shut down? Arcane rules set forth more than 225 years ago? Yes, those rules protect us and our freedom and should be upheld to the highest standard. This factionalism is anti-Constitution. I do not know what to say about it, the last time this happened, I was a young adult.
I have always admired President Clinton despite his personal mistakes. He could pull us out of this mess.
What would President Theodore Roosevelt have done? Would someone go back in time 115 years and get him? We could use his help.
Nobody in Congress is innocent. Those without spines are as complicit as this douchebag Cruz who is not Texan. I am Texan, I did not hear of him until he ran for office. Yes, our state government is plagued by similar douchebags but their time is ending. Texas will be Democratic again, like it was for the last 130 years before W. Fairweather voters go with who is popular. This is dangerous.
Having an R by your name ought to mean that you are socially and intellectually retarded.
Not all Republicans are bad. Those who are not are a pale handful compared to the tide of filth infecting the House of Representatives.
I may hate conservatism but I see the need for duality in any decision. Extremes in either direction are dangerous and should not be allowed to run for office.
How do you properly vet someone to expose extremism and intolerance?
I have no more to say on the matter. I am ashamed to be an American because of this shutdown.