It must be said I do not have a family of my own. I don't have a companion or children. My life now is duty to my mom.
I see families on tv, multiple kids, a wife and happiness. I do not have this.
Why? I have always been shy. It became agoraphobia over time. I developed anxiety disorder and had to quit walmart because I was stressed to the point of harming myself with a box cutter. I started but remembered my faith. It saved me.
I'm not particularly religious and I am much too much into science but I still believe.
I have one relationship with a female in Ghana. I am not ready to talk about Sala.
I do not know if I could have a companion. Strange people affect my anxiety. If my own Aunt does, what do you think a stranger would do?
I was reminded when my mom was in the hospital last summer that I cannot live on my own. I could not deal with the constant fear, even if it is not justified. Anything can cause it, even memories, my own heartbeat, or a dog barking.
I don't do much. I sit here and listen to music or play Spore. Yes, I do tire of it after so many years.
Years ago I found it easy to get into a sexual relationship. But I'm not so cute now.
I get anxiety when a female looks at me. I abhor attention. It's not a natural behavior but I am mentally ill yet still rational. I'm not that kind of sick.
I don't pay attention to the tv. I listen to it. But the news bothers me and I just tune it out.
I could talk to someone, maybe. I don't know. I have a cell phone.
I am strongly attracted to females. I am not funny that way like my dad said for years because I didn't have a girlfriend. I still don't.
I don't know if I could. I cannot stand drama. It and driving are the two biggest irritants to driving.
My 2nd covid vaccine shot is soon. I will be 'fully' vaccinated in June some time. What is the point? I don't go out but a handful times in a month and that is mainly to check the mail.
I did it because it is a civic duty. The nebulous fear of coronavirus but my own natural avoidance helps me like that. I have been avoidant since I was teenager.
When my mom is gone, my duty ends and pain and grief will destroy me. What is the point in living after that?
What is the point now?
