No Picture This Time

I just shaved, I kinda waited too long but it was all right. I might get a new razor as this one, it cuts too good. I didn't take a picture, mainly because I have to recharge my camera's batteries but also, do you really want to see? I only have minor cuts, two of them that aren't bleeding so much.

I do not know who reads this blog. Do you want a close-up HD picture of my face?

What do you think of me? Do you like me? Am I still 'cute' as I was when I was younger? I am older now. My cuteness is marred by aging, yes, but also this Low T problem. My BMI is 1.2 points too high. While that isn't metascale overweight, I couldn't gain more weight than that. I am skinny in my booty, my chest, my legs.

I am sorry if you wanted a picture. I will take a new one when I do the Proactiv thing again. I have clear skin because of that. Until I get the mild formula, I limit how often I use the stinging searing supply I have on hand right now.

I haven't had face acne problems since I was younger. Does Low T contribute to this? I can understand if it does.

My body still works, my peena, the seed fluid is continually generated. I do not know if this can be affected by Low T.

There may be a remedy. I will ask my doctor when I can see him.

I don't know why attractiveness is a priority for me. I hate attention, it ruffles my anxiety feathers.

Anxiety Feathers

I have social anxiety disorder, a rather severe case of it. It caused agoraphobia over a course of 5 years sitting here since I left wm.

This is considered a disability and I am compensated for this. This is because I cannot work, I cannot go somewhere and not have a panic reaction. I cannot drive and not have a panic reaction.

I can go to familiar places, like stores I have gone to for years but there was one I couldn't deal with. Any wm will bother me. It is just how they are. The one in my hometown is a third the size of the one in which I worked.

I imagine my anxiety like a bird's feathers. It is a protective barrier out of whack. It coils like a snake. It springs forth, my anxiety feathers ruffled and this can be a seriously bad thing as I have suicidal moments when stressed.

I talk about my peena because it is a good example to use to see if I feel anxiety. It fully retracts to a size that seems not possible given its dimensions when exited.

I cannot pee in a public space or if someone's watching me. This hurts my stress-damaged prostate gland.

You may think this is silly but anxiety disorder is not silly. I need to take a med just to sleep. I have anxiety when I lay down, heart beat, I feel uncomfortable. I take off my glasses when I sleep, can't see.

I sleep in the daytime. Only comfortable at night. Is that a healthy behavior? I don't think so.

I know I have issues, this one big issue, my anxiety feathers.

Cold Again

It was all right for a few days. Didn't even need to turn on the heater and put on my Hanes Premium sweatshirts. I mean, it would get worse in the next to days and I would have to put on my sweater.

But as this Weather Channel (despite its awful excuse for a tv channel booted from Directv) graphic shows why it is unseasonably frigid in Tx.

The jet stream, which you can see by the wind paths all but spills Arctic air down into the continental US. I mean, sure, it will get down to 19 or so tomorrow night but that's mild compared to the northern states.

I get cold so easy. I am a warm weather creature. We can laugh about this when it is June and 105 outside.

A Question

I take pictures to see if I shaved well. This is called Shave Check. I shave my face every week, but my body every month or so. The last time was the first of January. If I posted these Shave Check pictures, would it bother you?

I plan to shave soon before it gets real cold again. My Bodygroom razor still retains a charge. That is, if you really want to see my peena.

Eye

You may have noticed that I wear eyeglasses. I have moderately severe myopia. I have worn glasses since I was 12. I cannot see more than a few inches from my eyes without them. Everything is a mishmash of colorful blurs without them and I cannot see small things at all. I can recognize faces I know well, but others not so much.

Too long without my glasses causes a headache. Eyes cannot focus because the focal point of my vision falls short of the retina. The lenses of my eyeglasses diffract light so that it does.

I don't like contacts. I hate poking myself in the eye. That hurts. My eyes tear up in a sneeze, with allergies, sometimes with emotion. Told ya I was sensitive.

One eye is worse than the other, astigmatism. It is noticeable without my glasses, like binoculars out of focus on the right side and way out of focus on the left.

If you want to see what I see, take a camera, focus on something really close, I mean in your face close, then try to look in the distance. The blur is what I see.

Here is my 'bad' eye, the left one. Note the color of my eyes.

Unflattering Check

I know I am getting older. I mean, my facial hair is mostly gray. I shave it off mainly because it makes me look older. I don't want to be older. I hate having my cuteness blunted by age. If any females read my blog, I want to look good for them.

I don't know what a female thinks when she sees a male. I know some that hate males. I am not typical for an American male, I am sensitive and shy to the point of disability.

I had to shave today as a winter storm is imminent and I don't like shaving when its cold enough to shrivel things, a guy knows what I am talking about. I have an issue with MeUndies underwear as it is. I can post a picture but that is awful close to a TOS violation.

Instead, I will post this painful result of shaving just ten minutes ago.

Not Ignoring Ya

I haven't had much to talk about. I mean, my life is a sedentary one. I was thinking seriously about getting a tattoo but I am very uncertain now after hearing arguments about it.

I will make a decision by Feb.

I will post a shave check picture in the next few days, when I feel like shaving. I will be back with more opinions and such when I develop one.

Shave Cuts

I couldn't shave the regular way last week because of the water pipe breaking as it did. I fixed it and I needed to shave rather badly. I did trim it with an electric shaver but my skin is not used to that. It made my skin feel burned.

I normally shave within 7 days of the last time. I went closer to ten this time. My facial hair is mostly gray. It makes me look older and no one likes it, dulls my cuteness.

I was bothered as someone had to use the bathroom and interrupted me.

I never mean to cut myself. I can't deal with cuts. The blood doesn't bother me, it is the feeling it causes. This all washes off in my shower later, I rarely have a cut the day after. I mean, with my bodygroom electric razor, I nipped my scrotal area and that freaking hurt.

I post these pictures because it seems a relevant topic of something in my life.

Have a look, this is not as bad as it could be.

Injured Left Arm

I had to work on the pipe again today. I had to buy a saw to cut and added 2 couplings. That pvc glue, I hate it.

I badly hurt my left arm doing this. Reaching through a tangle of pipes to reach the relevant one (hot water delivery) I badly scratched my left arm.

 

In addition, I hurt my left hand with a saw yesterday, then abrasion developed on the thumb knuckle. Add to this, when cutting open a package of meat to defrost for dinner, the scissors slipped and all but stabbed my left index finger. There was a lot of blood but I have cleaned my hands since then and washed it away.

I hate doing things like this and likely developed new scars. I don't know if I'll have to do this again but it is really upsetting me. Badly.

Better For Now

I'm sorry if bitterness and personal feelings bothered you. I was upset yesterday.

The water situation is fixed. It took some new fittings and a ring clamp. That stupid pvc glue, like plastic on your hands after it dries.

It felt good to wash again and wear clean clothes again. I wore the same shirt for 4 days. Well, no more.

It is not so cold now, 17 degrees C outside now. It won't last but it is all right for now. Humidity is rather high, I feel it. That would keep temperatures from going down too far and possibly is causing fog.

Since I don't go anywhere, I don't really have to deal with fog like I used to. I remember some fog so bad, one could not see the stripe on the highway.

Since I feel like that, maybe one day, it will make sense again, why I am here.

Reitieration

I have mentioned it before in my blog.

I hate being male. I hate being over-sensitive. I hate not being like other males. I hate having a peena.
I hate people making fun of me because I am short, no one makes fun of a female my size.

I hate body hair. I hate facial hair. I hate oily skin. I hate having a fucked up prostate gland that always hurts to some degree.

I hate expectation. I hate the shame that I am not like my ancestors. I hate people thinking I am queer because I like to wear purple and like Madonna. I hate that nothing I say can convince them that I am not like that.

I hate going somewhere and being judged. I hate that some guy things, alcohol, carousing, many sports, do not appeal to me.

I hate being forgotten. I hate being blamed for things I didn't do.

I just hate being male. I cannot change, but if I was 25 years younger, I would have. Even so, I have male bones, male muscles, male face, male hair and skin. You saw my VS picture, my legs are male.

I hate not finding underwear that doesn't enhance this appendage I have. I hate wanting sex all the time.

I hate the anxiety disorder that keeps me from finding a new girlfriend. I hate a lot of things about being male, but then, if I was female, things probably would have been worse and I would have killed myself already, assuming I had the same mental issues I do now.

I am sorry if it bothers you. Some things are good, yes, but given my life experience, they are few and far between.

If you want to give me love and a benefit, then maybe being male would not be such a burden on my soul.

Water Fail

The attempt to fix the water failed. A toilet line near the outside wall froze and burst in the 17 degree chill of the past 2 nights. The bitter cold is over with for now.

The water here is turned off. I can't take a shower and haven't bathed in 36 hours.

I am miserable. I have hated being dirty since I was a small child. This has never changed.

I hope to get this fixed soon.

What was this Polar Vortex? Why did it happen? What the fuck is going on?

There is no reason to be 17 degrees here in Tx, well at least, the part of it in which I live.

I don't even bother to check the weather recently. It just depresses me.

Underwear 5

I have mentioned that I have been trying different kinds of underwear to find the right pair. I am trying all things. There are some I do not like, the ones that make my peena protrude, others that are see through.

I found a pair that I literally cannot feel. My genitals are secure, no real protruding. I like compression.

I have fought with myself about posting an underwear picture. I decided to do it.
 
You can't see anything or else I wouldn't post it.

Sadly, these briefs are not meant for male wear. Male underwear should be like this, not like the ones like Cocksox and others.

My VS underwear.

Brutal Cold

As I write this, it is 19 degrees F outside. That's -7 C to those who use the Celsius scale.

I have a heater so I am not bitching about being cold. Only my feet are. When I go to sleep and under my several blankets, they eventually warm up.

I have to forgo my shower today as a pipe has burst under the house. The water is shut off. This will become an issue if it is not fixed today.

I am upset by this cold. Why did this happen? Is it a sign of things to come? Extremes in both winter and summer? It gets hotter than fuck here in the summer. Hot is tolerable. Cold is never tolerable. Cold hurts and numbs. It saps energy and provokes involuntary things like gooseflesh and shivering.

Given that shivering and trembling are nothing new to me, I don't like it. I have anxiety trembling when I go somewhere.

I don't know. I would like to post an underwear picture, I found a pair that I love. Even if it was not intended for male wear. Speaking of male underwear, there is a center seam in most briefs that leaves an impressed area on my peena. I don't like that. These VS underwear don't have that.

I don't know about TOS issues with an underwear picture. This is not an exclusively adult blog, though I talk about adult things like sexuality, attraction, love, anxiety disorder, etc....

Given that I do not know who reads my blog, especially in Malaysia, I don't know. Who would really be interested in my life?

Why?

No M-Thing

Another personal subject.

I don't usually write about that part of my life, how I manage the constant need. I am not different from other guys like that, I just hide it.

I started taking celexa again. I had bad anxiety and couldn't sleep but I slept well today. Well, until someone came to bother me.

The very dry arctic air that has paralyzed the USA is also down here in Tx. I am staying by the heater.

This is ravaging my skin. My arms, my knees, elbows, even my peena. I would post a picture of it so you can see but not in this blog. If you are interested, I can give you the address of this picture.

I use Aveeno, yet again. The potent kind. Itchy dry skin gets cracked and bleeds. Sensitivity increases.

It is a curse.

Getting back to the topic, I have to do the m-thing for health reasons, mainly to do with my stupid prostate gland. It will only hurt more as I get older.

But celexa.... it inhibits the reflex that helps a guy finish. I could go on for hours (not a good idea) and still wouldn't finish.

And the dry skin... I don't want to injure my peena. Imagine going to the doctor with that.

So I have suspended the m-thing. It will be hard but with low T, does it even matter anymore?

Sleeping Trouble

I have been having trouble sleeping. This started when I had to stay up to go to the diabetes doc. I sleep in the daytime. I always seemed to have, you know, I was late to school sometimes. Of course, that was 20 years ago.

Over my adult life, because writing is what I do most of the time, I appreciate the quiet and still of the night.

Over the past few weeks, I have been waking up after only four or five hours. I don't know why. I am one of those that needs more than 8 hours, always have been that way.

I need to sleep to be sharp-minded and I haven't been. I could barely talk one day, mush brained.

Not sleeping well is a symptom of Low T, to mention.

I don't know what it is. It is cooler because it is winter and I sleep better when it is cooler.

My bed is hideously uncomfortable, old, worn out. I have never been flexible but I seem less so now. I am liable to hurt myself if I tried something flexible.

It just is something that affects my life and how I feel.

I started taking my celexa again because it manages anxiety and makes me sleepy. I take it in the morning before I go to sleep, when I drink my daily orange juice.

Do you have trouble sleeping? It sucks, I know.

Gynecomastia Fears

I worry that with my low T level, like the diabetes doc said, that I could develop female features. I mean by that, the lack of hair growth, mammary development, the peena shutting down.

I have none of these. Yet. If you are curious and I do have a resistance to doing this, I will post a picture of my chest and you can see that I am not developing it yet but when I look down, I see what? Pectoral muscles or fat? I have no fat in places, I am a naturally thin person.

My BMI is a little high. I mean, yours is likely to be as well. I can lose weight, I lost 7 lbs over the last week alone, not eating right.

I am sick of writing about my personal problems but I can't talk about them in person, so I write them here.

Here is the picture of my chest, judge for yourself if I am developing gynecomastia. (Yes, I shaved it recently)

Chest

I'd post a picture of my chest but my skin is rather ghostly pale.

When I went to the diabetes doctor to find out that I do not have that awful illness yet, he found in my blood test critically low T levels.

He said if this is not addressed, I could develop gynecomastia. Err. Some symptoms of low T, Id welcome. Not shaving so often. This is not the case. My facial hair grows at a stable rate like it always has. So does the body hair I hate so.

I do not think my chest is getting bigger. I seem to have been the same for a long time. I mean. You can see my ribs.

About the chest. In a female, I find smaller breasts more attractive. She is cuter and smaller usually. Is neoteny an attractive force? I don't know. I suppose if I actually went to college, I would know things like that.

Do any females read my blog? What do you think of me?

I can post pictures as I take them to verify if I have shaved well. The so-called Shave Check. If you really want to see a ghostly pale white guy.

I don't think I will ever be better anxiety wise but I can start exercising. I will do this.