Hurricane Laura

 This is Hurricane Laura. 

This is a meta-disaster.

This is a side effect of climate change. 

The idiocy of conservatives would have you believe the earth would even out and solve this on its own.

What utter bullshit. This storm went from a measly tropical storm to a category 4 tropical cyclone in a matter of hours. 

I feel for the people in the areas affected. A 20 foot storm surge. Whole towns under water. Fetid stinking water full of garbage and alligators and snakes and who knows what else. 

This will keep happening. The world is changing. This happened before in the Paleocene. Only this time it's not natural. It's because of we human apes destroy what we touch. No species deserves extinction but we do. Very much. Mount Toba didn't do it. Nor did the black plague, not even coronavirus. What will end us would be truly epic. 

But this post is about a terrible disaster affecting the area that needs it the least. I hope people heeded the warnings and evacuated. If not. God help them. 

Canceled

The survey exam was canceled. Another instance of being unneeded. 

Why does this keep happening? Things don't happen for whatever reason. I shouldn't have bothered to begin with.

I am getting worse the longer my mom is in the hospital. I know nothing. My sister handles all that and she is not exactly helpful. 

I don't know which makes it much worse. 

I will be here. It's not like I am needed anywhere. 

Lab Rat

I signed up for a Low T (testosterone) study. 

Some years ago, I went to Austin for a prediabetes exam. I did not have it but they discovered a rather low T level. 

I know some things about me have become apparent. No, it's not my ever-worse anxiety disorder or hypertension. It's my ability to do some things.

It's not nice to talk about some things but they are male things. I am not different from other males. It is just I am mentally sick and that is the difference.

I go on thursday to see if I can be part of this study. If so,  may have an improvement. If not, well. I'm usually superfluous as a human being. This may be no different. 

I will share my  experience with this. 

Maybe by then my mom will be out of the hospital. But the fear is ever-more there.  

Fear Lesson

My mom is still in the hospital. The prognosis is good, I was told. 

So, that's almost a week that she has been away. In this time, I have felt very bad. Not only is it a bereft feeling. It borders on feeling useless. 

Ordinarily, I help my mom. I am busy but now its like it doesn't matter.

My mom suffered a reaction to a medicine she was taking. This pneumonia was part of that. I do not understand this but I am not a doctor.

She will return eventually. In  what state, I cannot say.

This time now. My elder life will be like this.

I just cannot deal with that. 

Severe Fear

 Let me preface this by saying I have never left my mother. I am very close to her. I have always been. I do anything for her and I promised my dad I would take care of her. 

She got sick. She has pneumonia. Now on a ventilator. We are not allowed to go see her so I cannot know for a fact.

I talked to her on the phone yesterday. She sounded weak. 

This is a fear I have had for a long time. I have lost sleep at nights for the anxiety I have. 

The conditions of my life, the small benefit I get. I could not live on my own. I am scared of this extreme emotional pain. I might hang myself if I could manage it. 

I have always been too emotional. I believe I have a female soul. Does pain endanger it?

I could manage my dad passing away. He had a stroke. It was expected for 17 years. 

My family is going away. I will only have my sister left. My cousins. 

I am having a hard time writing this. I am scared. I have anxiety, I don't know how she is. 

If something happens to her, I do not know if I can manage it. 

I am 44 years old. I should be stronger than this but I am not. 

I will update this more often.