Not Forgotten

I haven't been posting because I haven't felt like it. There is a disconnect between my mind and expression likely caused by the new medicine I take for my anxiety disorder. That is pretty much when this started. 

I take my medicine overnight so I don't have the dizzy feeling it causes when it is strongest. 

I was not able to sleep since the death of my father but I can with the medicine. 

I will get back into the flow of things. I haven't forgotten this blog. 

I feel better but the absence is indelible on my soul. I will always miss my dad. 

It has been cold and this is getting old. This isnt the place for cold. I will talk about the weather later, my fingers are too cold for much more typing. 

Problem

I did shave today but I don't want to post the check picture. It was too cold to do it on my normal day yesterday. It was kind of cold today. Of course, this native Texan's idea of cold is anything lower than 70 degrees F.

I have a new anxiety medicine now, sertraline, and it is doing a good job. If you read the past of this blog, you know I used to take citalopram for a long time. Unlike it, sertraline does not make me super-sleepy.

It has all but disabled my sexual ability. It feels like it's not a big deal but I don't know.

I haven't had a bad panic attack since I started taking this new medicine. I will tell the doctor it is doing me good.

I have been able to sleep without panic waking me up like it was before.

This medicine has also all but swept away the grief I was feeling. I am able to remember my dad in a positive way.

I am constipated right now and that is never fun. Err, feel uncomfortable.

Shave Check

I was able to shave today as it is 80 outside. Love 80 degree weather.

I shaved in the bathtub because I didn't want to tie up the other bathroom. Takes me 10-15 minutes to shave.

I hate shaving, it is one of the reasons I hate maleness. Yet, I do it because of self-image, comfort and I look less like my dad that way.

I got a haircut on Saturday. I do not know if you will like it. Have a look and see...

Male Pain

You can go search on Google or find the anatomy chart I posted in this blog to know where the prostate gland is.

It is at the base of the bladder, above the root of the penis. I always thought it was cool how this troublesome male organ is attached to the pubic bone. Saw it on my CT scan. My cup like pelvis.

My pain is because my prostate gland is damaged by psychological stress. It became damaged sometime in my time at walmart.

It always hurts, especially when I pee and much worse if I have to go poo. (forgive my language, I am consciously avoiding profanity)

The prostate gland's function is to secrete a fluid that is a vital component in semen. I am no stranger to semen, having done the m-thing many, many times in my life.

It is doubtful that I can reproduce in sex. It hurts to have sex. I learned this in my last experience. I am older now and less stressed than back then but I still hurt.

Mind, that this pain does NOT involve my penis or testicles. The latter hurt on their own sometimes, the whole system is connected.

This prostatitis is likely either because of grief-stress, or a bacterial infection. If it is a bacterial infection, usually caused by dehydration, stress, being sick, I did have a respiratory infection recently.

If it is a bacterial infection, I MUST go the doctor. That can mean serious badness.

This pain I feel is constant. I would describe it as a headache in the center of your pelvis.

To show that you can't tell it by looking, you can see my penis here. I am not posting such pictures in my blog.

I am not shy about my parts, too many medical tests done on them. I am just showing the hidden nature of my male pain.

I have chronic prostatitis, though infections happen sometimes.

I was told to take motrin (which I cannot take), do the m-thing (not possible when I am hurting) or take a very hot bath (possible).

I need to see Urology badly but they won't see me without insurance. I do not know how medicare fits into that.

I will sit here and hurt. Badly.

Apologies if you don't like this. It is part of my life, a serious part.

Fear

I have lived out here for 15 years. It is more or less what was home. Aged a lot out here, spent a lot of time alone out here.

That time alone... did it cause my anxiety disorder or my addiction to porn? Is it why I am afraid to get a new girlfriend?

It doesn't feel like home anymore. Ever since the death of my father, it has become a place of fear. I don't like being alone here. I am not usually but I when I am, panic sets in.

I don't like seeing the bed he was on when he passed. Have to pass it to go take a shower.

Memory is deeply affected as the places he was, they are still here as they were before.

I don't want to leave this home but I don't want to stay here. It stokes my grief. I am afraid that I would have to go far away, still in my native county, but far from here.

I feel afraid of changes. Where will my aging take place?

I am afraid, this fear stokes anxiety, which stresses, grinds on my P-gland, which has hurt severely for several days.

I will write a post about my male pain later. I will show you my parts so be mindful.

Anxiety

I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder originally in 2007. It was re-diagnosed in 2012 as generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder.

I have anxiety in no matter what happens. My hands shake, I sweat, heart pounds, tense up, can't breathe.

When I bought this laptop on which I am writing this, I could barely talk, panic making it hard to breathe. I mean, it was Best Buy, not somewhere unfamiliar.

I do not believe I will ever get better. I feel it worse than ever.

My father's death has added a new aspect to it, grief, fear, and hopelessness. It makes it hard to sleep, food doesn't taste right. I can't enjoy Pepsi, even, and it is my favorite cola.

I don't feel so bad the later in the day it is. I have anxiety management. I can talk about this even if it is ugly.

I watch tv, I get up and walk around, I focus breathe, take a hot bath, do the m-thing, anything to reduce panic. Panic attacks can come from anything.

I just got my hair cut. I'll take a picture later. I can do that because I know the hair cutter isn't going to hurt me. It is unpleasant to be touched but that is expected so it doesn't cause panic.

I do not have panic in my hometown so bad, familiarity. Sometimes it happens but not often. What I do have panic in is going to any Walmart. I also have it when going to the doctor.

I can go somewhere unfamiliar and have a full-on panic attack. This is avoidable.

I had a panic attack at my dad's service. I did my best to hide it but I was also weeping and that feeling, unfamiliar to me, makes it more intense.

I will always have grief that my dad is gone. I am growing to accept the loss but it is hard. It is just the lonely space in my heart that will always be a void.

These feelings come and go and when they come, severe grief pain. My anxiety gets involved and it becomes a storm like Katrina.

This has to be addressed so I will be going to the doctor and hopefully can get a new medicine.

I will be Arthelius again but it will take time.

Reconsidered

I was going to close this blog but it is more or less a record of my life. It has been going for years and why stop now?

We may have to move. I do not know to where or anything about it. I will have a hard time but sticking together, we should be okay.

Severe Grief

My dad's funeral was today. I made it most of the way through before breaking down during the prayer. When it was over, I went to the casket and said 'Goodbye, Daddy', and just broke down. I don't know why I am hurting so bad.

My dad was paralyzed, had a stroke that made him that way 17 years ago. It was only a matter of time before it happened again.

It did in his sleep on the morning of Feb 3rd.

I don't know what really happened. He had blood pressure issues and felt bad the night before. No sign he would leave us in the night or morning. I am positive he did not intend to go.

Now that he is gone, a constant in my life gone. I  wont get the verbal abuse anymore, that won't be missed but the wit, the experiences, the jokes, memories, everything he was.

You can't know the pain this causes me. I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I mean, come on, it's my father, not a child or wife, neither I have.

I can't think of him, I will cry.

I am 39 years old, a boy shouldn't cry. My cousin and my sister's friend both told me it was all right to. It is a sense of loss I was not prepared for but who is, really? I do not know if I will heal from this.

I have decided that it is time to close this blog. I can't be amused or light-hearted enough to write a memorable post.

I will leave this up for a while.

Grief

I was hopeful that my 39th year would be better. I mean, when we get past this accursed winter.

My father died on Tuesday morning. He was 59.

The grief is far stronger than I expected. See, I have expected this for the last 17 years, from when he had a debilitating stroke that paralyzed him. He lived with extreme pain ever since.

I do not know exactly what happened to him. I don't want to think it is his aneurysms, his original problem, but more than likely, that is the case.

This is a damaging blow to my family. The pain of loss is too intense, probably always will be.

I will shave tomorrow, lessen my resemblance to him as much as I can as not to cause my Aunts any pain because I look like him enough. It hurts me looking in a mirror.

Arthelius the Ghost has no offerings about death. He merely stands in sympathetic repose.

Any love you have would be appreciated in this difficult time.