I have been shaving my face since about age 25. I guess I matured slowly that way and also in body some. That is not to say that I didn't mature sexually later, just in body.
I haven't really been told really how to shave. I never asked because like the fact that I use water instead of toilet tissue after #2, I just don't talk about it.
I have been looking for a better way to shave. Aveeno was part of that but even it has limitations. I mean, Postively Smooth, can be used to shave your kitty area or legs if you are that kind of girl. I know some who are.
Does it belong on a guy's face? I did research online and even wrote in to J&J to ask and they said it didn't matter who uses it, it helps either one. Yes,m it does help, particularly the aftershave gel. It soothes the burn and irritation. I take my shave check picture before putting it on because if I do cut myself, the blood makes a striking notice to when I do.
I didn't this time. I read that using hot water is wisest and I used skin reddening hot water to wash my face before. I like it when my pale skin turns red like in a hot bath. It looks cool to me.
Aside of taking a picture of that, and do you want to see me naked in the bath? I will just leave it to your imagination.
Here is what I did just about 20 minutes ago. I did manage a little smile for this picture.
I understand some readers of this blog aren't American. You probably don't know what medicare is. I have it, I pay too much for it. I don't know how to use it but it is some kind of health insurance.
I am having intense uro-genital pain from my recurrent prostatitis. Stress can cause it, diet can cause it, the urologist that used to help me before he moved to another hospital told me caffeine can cause it. I only use one teabag per gallon in my ice tea to lessen the caffeine trip.
Perversely, not doing the m-thing for a while can cause pain for a while. If it was wrong to do the m-thing, why then does it help alleviate some pain?
Can underwear cause it? I wear briefs, primarily C-IN2 and MeUndies. They don't cause pain because when I am naked, it hurts just the same.
I cannot get excited when it hurts so bad. In my last sexual experience in the winter of 09, this pain intensified and caused embarrassment to the max. I cannot go into detail and embarrass my ex-girlfriend. That's just wrong.
Also, going #2, I absolutely don't like to talk about this normal body process. Understand about male anatomy, the descending colon passes right by the prostate gland, the very reason a digital rectal exam is possible.
I do not like DRE's. I feel violated after every one but they are necessary because the prostate can kill your ass. It must be monitored.
When I have to go, which is infrequent when I do not eat right (happens toward the end of the month before I get paid again), the material passing through doesn't hurt. Pressure on the colon hurts. Clenching hurts. Your muscles contract when you go. You know this, this is the same for everybody.
But this contraction is what squeezes on my prostate and that is next to agony.
Aside from using a graphic of male anatomy and circling where it hurts for me, I don't know how else to describe it.
The pain is like burning, stinging, numbness, aching. It is constant and always. It just gets worse sometimes and goes back to 'normal' which is hurting less but still hurting.
I am going to have to use my medicare to go to the doctor and see if this prostate trouble is needing medicine again. It has before.
A hot bath helps. The m-thing helps. If it is too bad, Tylenol helps some. But one cannot avoid peeing, which hurts the worst.
This is a look into a private pain that all but controls my life. I share this because I want you to see that stress can hurt you. Stress caused damage to my prostate gland. Do not get stressed.
I have suicidal thoughts sometimes. I hate my genitals and have a perverse desire to have them removed. I do not know how deep into mental illness I will sink before help or killing myself solves the problem.
What is wrong?
Aside from posting a picture of my peena, which I will do if anyone asks, I can only describe my genitals as average but 'cute' as some have said. Why do I hate them? Normally, a guy isn't conscious of his. I am conscious of mine because of the nebulous pain I feel in my pelvic area because of chronic prostatitis. This intensifies when I pee or have the ever unpleasant cycle of constipation and dia-icky.
I hate being stimulated. This happens with touch or maybe some things I see. It is not as easy as it was when I was younger but gosh, I subscribe to Penthouse. Some of the girls.... not all of them, mind you, but some fit my ideal idea of feminine beauty.
I get stimulated when writing, as a sex scene comes up. I write like a soap opera is written, things happen.
This doesn't happen so much as I have been hurting more than usual lately. This is why I am wary of exercising, bending, stretching, that will hurt my prostate.
I hate the damned thing. I hate it all. If I am able to have the whole thing removed and can afford it. I will.
Would my mind change? Probably not. My mind is reactive. Self-image isn't what it should be.
What about other things?
Like other people. Other people don't give a fuck about me. This is true of others I know. Other people are like a great mass of naked apes that infest the earth. Wait... am I not one as well? Yes, but I am not out among the masses, that would definitely ruffle my anxiety feathers.
The last time I got my hair cut, the hair cutter said not one word to me. What kind of social behavior is that? It doesn't matter, I don't care. What I do care about is being considered.
Anxiety, I have social anxiety disorder. It is like a coiled snake when I am doing this here, sitting, typing on my laptop. But should somebody bother me, it strikes and I get upset. I mean fucking upset, I feel great discord. Like the water when a large rock is thrown into it.
The water is unstable and writhing as it is.
I write about this because it is how I feel. This cycle of self-hate, shame, and the hurt caused by other people spin like a washing machine's spin cycle. My soul is like what is stuck to the side of the drum like clothes are after the spin cycle.
Whatever analogy I use doesn't do the pain justice. It gets worse as I get older. A crisis point has to happen and what will happen when it does? I would go hang myself and end this pain.
Would you care if I did? Would you care that there was one less guy in the world. Everybody wants more girls. Fuck guys. I feel the same misandry they do.
I am mentally sick. Just read my blog from the beginning and see how it has gotten worse.
What did SS do? Throw money and medicare at the problem. I have no list of doctors appropriate to treat this anxiety disorder. My regular doctor only prescribes medicines that erode self-control and makes it harder to go to the bathroom.
Is medicine the answer? I do not know. There is a lot I don't know because I am here in my shell. If you see me at the store or whatever, feel lucky, there are very few times that I go out, like once a month.
How is this healthy behavior?
I wish I was really a ghost. They don't have feelings.
I hate shaving. I hate facial hair. It is not what I hate most about being male but it is a part of it. I will look into this Dollar Shave Club and see if it is any better. As I only shave every 6 days or so, it's not something I need on a great frequency.
The Aveeno shave gel works well but the razor, I mean like the teeth on an excavator, at least, that is how it feels.
It sounds sissy, I know, I have sensitive skin. This has been the case my whole life. It will probably get worse as I age. I don't really know.
I was hoping the Low T would do away with facial hair but it has not abated, making me wonder if that doctor was overreacting. I just don't know.
Anyway, here is a picture of this painful shave. Hate shaving, don't you?
I am derided because I don't see myself as a 'man'. I am MALE, to me, it's a distinction.
To explain, 'man' is a societal thing but then if you study history, you see that it is replete with many male persons behaving rather badly, which is being a 'man'.
'Man' is expected to behave a certain way. He is supposed to provide. Really? What do you know of anthropology? Do you study ancient cultures? What you think as human behavior is a societal behavior.
'Man' is supposed to be social, to drink, carouse, behave in a boorish and stupid way. 'Man' is represented in things like football, I mean look at the commercials that play during it. NASCAR is like that too but driving a car is not a gender-specific activity.
I am male. I have a male body, male genitals and that is about it. I have a tortured mind, strangled soul. I am male in thought and feelings and attractions.
It is uncertainty to provide is why I never had any children. As I said before, I am on SSI. How could I provide for a child?
Listen to a feminist talk. What good is a male? From a DNA standpoint, it is not really a question that can be answered. Is the Y-chromosome a mutation? The thought is a terrible one, that male becomes useless, a relic of ancient biology.
I believe in equality. I do not think being male is all that great. I don't like other males because they make me uncomfortable. What is their motive? I think of all the males I have known in my life, it just doesn't make since why males are all that important.
It could be my own self-hate. My belief that I have a female soul. Or just mental illness.
I am not a 'man'. I am male.
Somebody all but spammed my blog with an I-phone. Who are you? Are you too chicken to leave a comment? What do you want to know? You already rank pretty high on the douchebag meter just by having an I-phone so speak up for yourself.
Otherwise, carry on with your Apple sheep device.
You may not know, that on August 24, 2008, I attempted suicide. I used a pair of sharp scissors. I did not succeed because my sister interrupted me.
Why? Stress at wm mainly, it was a bad time for me then. August is when I took my vacations because it is my favorite time of the year. Good things happened to me in August's of the past.
But fast forward many years now. I do not have the stress I did at wm. instead, I have shame. Shame that I am childless at age 38, not because I can't physically, it is this fucking anxiety disorder.
If you don't have it, you can't understand it. It is like a constrictor snake around the soul. When provoked, it constricts. That is a pretty good analogy for what I feel.
When stressed, get away, stop it. Avoid. Can't do that if the stressor is work or somewhere away from home.
I watch a lot of tv. This isn't like all the time. I write stories most of the time and don't pay attention to a lot of it. I have been keeping up with this missing airplane and the potential for war in Russia.
I watch the usual shows, WWE, racing, Lockup, occasionally a movie, but other than the news, not much else.
I mention tv because we are inundated with happy images of parents and children. If this is the norm, does this make me abnormal? Is it possible even, to even hope that I can have a child?
Why can't I? Anxiety. In sex, it has happened in all the times I have done it. Anxiety that this awesome responsibility could happen. I am on Social Security. How could I provide for a child? Would a child not be a stressor for anxiety? Judging from my niece, yes.
Summer is a hard time for me. Not because people wear less and are generally better looking. But is a lonelier time for me. I generally write better stories when I am able to go out and see things. Meet new people, see my friends in reality, instead of FB.
Then there is a class reunion this summer. 20 years. It is so hard to believe that it has been 20 since that dark night in the football stadium. People cheered when I got my diploma.
If I only had known then what I know now.
The world changed since then. Uncertainty became the norm.
Uncertainty is a stressor.
It is my intention to get a new bicycle for exercise purposes. I will wait until it is warm to ride it, which will be before I get it, actually. I will wear shorts.
Wearing shorts is a stressor. I have male legs, yes, I am hairy like a hobbit there. That is okay, I am a guy. What isn't okay is skin the color of milk in the sunlight.
I do not tan and frankly, skin that hasn't seen sunlight in decades, as I always wear pants, could be scorched. I don't want sunburns, I do not want to look old. When my peers have lined faces, wrinkles and a general worn look, I don't.
Aging is a huge stressor. Can't stop it. It is the entropy of time. Time has passed, 38 years. you know, in the old days, like up until 1800, this was as long as people lived.
There is a remote possibility, cannot rule it out, that I will get a new girlfriend this summer. Will she be a stressor? If she's anything like Jen, yes, but I don't believe that is like that. I mean, everybody is different.
No, a girlfriend is like a salve, a panacea to stressed feeling. This is a benefit better than any medicine and the side effects aren't always bad.
It isn't going to happen, pragmatism says. I am not social. I don't go anywhere. When I do go somewhere, it is like a trouble storm. Driving is a huge stressor. Then other people.... the main reason I have anxiety disorder?
Being small and hobbit-like, I am not that appealing. I am not that small. I am 64.5 inches tall.
I honestly think, if I ever get a place of my own, something that scares me, honestly, I would be more open to getting a new girlfriend.
Why bother? If life stresses me, why bother?
This summer is going to be tough.
I will talk later about losing 10 lbs, can't lose any more because I would be underweight then.
I have been fooled into thinking exercise would help eliminate body pain.
Body pain, that is a very big stressor.
You may or may not know that I live with my parents. I always have, now that they are older, they need the help so it isn't something to make fun of.
I will talk about privacy. I generally have a lot of privacy. It is because I am a night person. I can go naked if I choose but do you want to see my peena? Didn't think so.
I have to undress to shave, I get all wet if I don't. I have a hard time shaving without a mess actually. I want to get it over with because it hurts. Like a searing friction burn, like sliding across a carpet on your face.
It may not look like that but it feels like that. I wish I didn't have facial/body hair. I hate it. As I get older, it should go away, escpecially if I have a Low T problem. I have been feeling icky lately because I have a Low Food problem at the moment.
Anyhow, here is the picture of my latest shave attempt. Note the color of my skin, or lack there of. I am a ghost after all.
I fiddled with my blog and made a new pattern for the background. It is called 'Open Cluster' and I made it on Colour Lovers, of which I have been a member for a long time now. I don't like fancy things, keep it simple and readable.
I hate these tiles. It is what I hate most about Windows 8. It takes at least 4 clicks on the touchpad to find anything.
I have stopped using my new laptop because of Windows 8.1. It was supposed to be 'better' but that new 'start' button just pisses me off. Clicking on it brings you back to this accursed tile screen.
I am on my normal computer with Windows 7, which is not the alien children's blocks that windows 8 is.
Why do I have 2 computers? I thought by getting a laptop, I could travel and keep writing. But I can't travel. I just sit here so what is the fucking point?
I am just upset that this life... it is just like it should have never happened.
I mentioned some months ago that I had a DNA test done. This mainly was for health reasons and #1 risk on it is Gout.
My grandmother was stricken with RA. She succumbed to death at a relatively early age from Lupus. I was 11 when she died.
Did I inherit arthritis risk from her? I have the same blue eyes she did, pale skin. I mean, family traits. I miss her most out of all my departed family members.
Sometimes, a pulse of pain will run through my legs. My knees hurt for no reason sometimes. Nothing hurts worse than my hips when they hurt.
My feet hurt a lot for a few minutes and then it fades. My hands hurt sometimes.
I have never hurt my back, nor have I ever been seriously injured.
Are these pains something my body is telling me? Or is it a harbinger of the future?
The pain in my pelvic area is ever present. I can tune it out unless it burns, which it does sometimes. My prostate pain will get worse as I age and get BPH. I could be at risk for prostate cancer but it is not likely given the tests that I have endured said that I am not.
Then my gonads hurt sometimes. This is a feedback pain from my prostate gland. They are all connected.
Stupid male bs. I hate the whole thing, ugly thing. I ought to post a picture of my accursed male parts.
These pains do not last for very long. They come and go. I mean, Tylenol does work on me. I hate taking medicine but will if I have to.
It might be just aging. I don't know. If I was more active, probably these pains would not happen. But agoraphobia keeps me inside and I can't go out and be active.
A vicious circle, mental pain affects physical pain.
Readers of this blog probably know what I look like. You haven't known me, you don't know me. I am a ghost.
I have looked at my face for a long time, I mean, at least since I could perceive things for the first time some nearly four decades ago.
I believe my face is changing. I don't know what it is. I do not know if the threatened feminization as told by that diabetes doctor who said I had dangerously LOW T is happening.
What is about my face? That I wash it with Dove Sensitive? That I use Proactiv on my nose occasionally? I wear glasses because I am blind, on the scale of -5.25 diopters. Maybe I should have chosen better on my new glasses (I did ask for round lenses and was told my 'prescription makes that difficult). Really? What about those old people whose vision is way worse than mine? My lenses are made of high index Crizal lenses with alize anti-glare coating. This is polycarbonate plastic, easily molded into lots of things.
What do you think of my face. My lip scar, from a can hitting me in the mouth when I was taking down a canned vegetable display. That happened in my 21st year of life.
I mean, flesh is transient. My body will spend more time dead in the grand scheme of things, likely returning to the dust from which it came.
Do you think I am cute? Do you like my face? Do I seem masculine to you? I mean, I have a peena, I know I am a boy. Been that way since my 10th week of gestation, which was just about 39 years ago at this moment.
I said before, I will say it again, I do not like being male. I actually hate it but that is how it is and will always be.
My face...
I was getting too hoary which makes me look older than I am. I cannot do anything about the graying of my facial hair. It has been going on for years now.
Since I got my hair cut yesterday, it only makes sense I should shave on a day when it is not so freaking cold. I mean 52 is cold to me when I am standing in my CK underwear with water all over me.
I did not do such a good job on the neck area because I was trying to hurry. I was so cold.
My skin will recover from this over the next few days. Why don't I post a picture then? No one asked.
Here is what I did.
Understand that this is Central Tx. It gets to 105 F in the highest days of August for weeks at a time.
I am freezing my tail off. Only yesterday (Saturday as I sleep in the daytime) it was 72 F.
What is causing this? I feel bad for people up north having to deal with colder temperatures but the fact is, they are used to it. We native Texans are not.
I hate cold weather. My feet are frozen, I cannot feel my toes. I stay by the heater, drying out my skin. It is not good.
I talked about the turning off the water heater thing before. I cannot wash like normal. I no longer have dia-icky but I do need to clean up.
I feel miserable. I pee often because I have a fast liquid metabolism. Going into that cold bathroom, it is no fin, and exposing the most sensitive appendage I have to the cold. Cold.
I suppose in the very distant future, as the Universe expands into oblivion. Cold will be the only thing. Just cold everywhere.
But that is a long time from now, no humans will be around to read this. If, indeed, if the web is eternal.
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