Trouble

I have prostatitis. It is a regular and possibly lifelong condition.

What is it?

The prostate gland is usually the size of a walnut or a bit bigger. It is directly beneath the male bladder and surrounds the urethra. It has back channels through which it tramsits prostatic fluid, a clear viscous, salty, sticky fluid. Prostatic fluid lubricates and protects the spertamtozoa in the semen. It is vital to reproduction but not much else.

My prostate is often swollen, maybe caused by stress events when I worked at wm, because that's when this all started.

What does it feel like?

Imagine needles and acid in your urinary tract. I hurt every time I pee. I have trouble sometimes. I hurt in a cyclical cycle. some days, it's not so bad, but some days, it feels like needles and acid, like now.

I lost my BCBS insurance when I left wm. I should never have done that. To get it back, I have to pay at least $140 a month, hard to do when one has no job.

Stack on this my anxiety disorder. I worry that the more I hurt, the more the temptaion to just cut my penis and testicles and the whole thing off. Unfortunately, that would be fatal as some major blood vessels go through all that.

So what? I have said before, there is no value in my life. Nobody cares. Especially not my doctors.

What do I do now? Hurt? I can't sleep when it hurts bad.

What did the urology doctor last say to me? 'Mastrubate more'. Hello, but it makes me hurt even worse to orgasm. I can't have sex for this reason. It freaking hurts.

What can I do? I wish I could just wish I was never born.

Ha ha, I have been researching male-to-female transsexual change. It is too late for me to do that. I have very male bones and body hair. I am not inclined to be what I am not.

If it was safe and easy, which it isn't, I would do it, if only to get rid of my male pain.

No one understands how bad I feel. I can't go to the doctor. I might as well take all my Celexa and sleep forever.

Misandry

I have to admit something. A large part of my anxiety disorder was affected by a natural sense of misandry. What is misandry? It is the antonym of misogyny. I am not a misogynist. Yes, I have been hurt by a couple of females but in general they are not bad people.

I have never really associated with other boys. Could be that I am a beta male. Could be that I don't care. I admit that I do not like them but to go as far as throwing rocks at them? Why provoke an animal sense of return-vengeance?

I have a few male friends. I do not care to go see them. We talk through the net. My only real true friend is a female older than me in Ca.

In my stories, for most of them, I have female characters. I can write about male characters but like the young gender-confused thief, Linis Enkisa, I destroyed his masculinity and used body change technology to change him into Lin.

Why hate other males? Why not? Cheaters, liars, arrogance, competitive, stupid, and most of all, violent.

The last boy that hit me, in 1992, broke his hand doing so. This ghost has good bones :)

I get angry like any guy, I am not effiminate, though have been accused of being in the past.

Customers at wm often mistook me for a girl. I do not know why? Am I not guy enough? Do I even want to be?

Yes, I have a penis. Yes, I like guy things. Yes, I am totally male.

However, if you gave me a choice like Lin got, I would lose all of it.

I hate body hair. I hate facial hair. I hate my prostate gland. Err, a pulse of pain when I typed that. F*ck you, prostate.

CNN right now is talking about the SF Giants fan almost beaten to death by LA Dodgers fan. Who do you think did this? Beaten horribly because of a like of a sports team. That is so freaking stupid. Sensless. I hope the police brutalize the offenders.

I have no trouble associating with females. I have many as friends. Nothing in the Universe is more beatiful than a cute woman.

Look at the array of ugliness in pictures of males all over the net.

What snapped for me, was just last week. Arnold, an icon of film, governor of Ca, how could he do that to Maria? I will still like him as an actor but not a person. He only cements my misandry.

I an poor in spirit, I know. I have mentioned suicide more than once since 2008. If I don't kill myself at any time for the rest of my life, I will be surprised.

This can be stopped if I got some self-worth and love. Where can I find it? Females.

Enough said.

Beta Cygni

This is my first digital art image. It is on http://arthelius-ghost.deviantart.com/

I call it Beta Cygni, the large gas planet is Enako. The strange shapes in it are storms and instability in its gravitational field. It is about 6 AU from the ficional version of the real binary star Albiero.

Albiero is the 'head' of Cygnus, in larger commercial telescopes, it resolves into a beatiful blue and gold binary.

Fictional Enako and its earthlike moon are just one of four planets and 29 moons in the system, but I won't draw those, boring, lifeless environs.

Qeyia, her mate Qevan, both Aniq'et, are from that moon. I forget its name, I haven't been sleeping good recently.

Tell me if you like it. I am so bad at drawing. I used pattern fill, color blur, and the regular Paint in Windows to color the moon. I blur them in Corel Painter 12, which I only have a trial of. I do have GIMP-image, an alternative to photoshop. It costs nothing. I have Corel Paint Shop X3 which I edit pictures in all the time. It helps in resizing and clarifying the rough images since I am not that good at drawing with a mouse.

One of these days, I will get a tablet and draw that way. I have a million things to share from my stories and characters.

The biggest city on that moon is Arcology. It is also home to the odd looking Lipoan people.

If I can get help from real artists on DeviantArt, I will ask them to help me draw Qeyia. You would like how she looks.

Experimenting

I like digital art, especially space art. I wonder if I can do it. So I am downloading Corel Paint 12 and I will try my hand at it.

I plan to create a likeness of the Alpha, the spacecraft featured in 'Qeyia's Saga', an episodic series of very short stories I post on http://arthelius-ghost.deviantart.com

I will post a link to any picture I submit.

Warning: I can't draw anything. Never could.

Late...

I have been staying up late. I was working on setting up my secondary blog here that I have set to private. I write about personal things there and post pictures of me I cannot post here.

I like the night time. I always have. I am not interrupted as I write, and the peace lets me hear my music without a loud tv in the other room.

I was a morning person for a long time but now most mornings, I am dead asleep. It is not easy sleeping on my bed. I have for more than 15 years. I have been thinking of getting a new mattress but haven't for some reason or another.

I have three foam pads and four fitted sheets on my bed and still the coils stab me in the ribs. I guess I will have to get another foam pad.

I have a lot of pillows. I MUST have a back pillow, as I sleep on my side most of the time and need back support. It hurts otherwise. I normally don't have back pain unless it is a urinary system pain.

I have always needed more than the average amount of sleep. I do not know why. I am usually involved in cerebral activity like writing. I have always been creative.

Maybe I'm just that way. It used to be a struggle getting up for school. Now, I do good to get up before noon.

I am older now. I have hip pain occaisonally. Then there is the prostate pain that is everpresent, causing me to have a pillow between my legs to reduce compaction caused when my legs are together. That is uncomfortable for my male anatomy as well.

I sleep on a twin sized bed. I am not a big guy. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh around 160 lbs, though my weight is variable because we are short of food sometimes. I lost 10 pounds in December only to have them back now.

I am attracted to girls my size or shorter. Most of them are. However, any girl my age, which I would only be involved with anymore, would have her own set in likes in what bed she sleeps on.

I do not think sex should be done in a bed. It is messy and if its warm, both parties sweat a lot.

I shower every night. This is necessary. I sleep in sweatpants, socks and a t-shirt. Even if its 80 at night, though that is a struggle. I do not sleep well if it is warm.

Conversely, when it gets cold in here, and it does, I sleep better. I am not tolerant at all of cold. My body can't take it. I have many blankets. I have a smaller throw fleece blanket decorated with ha ha ghosts from Halloween 2008 I always have to cover my butt and pelvic areas.

I am quite sensitive about my rear. I don't like to be touched there. Also, things happen to a sleeping male. You can look that up.

One of these days, I will get a new mattress, preferably a Serta as I feel better on those.

I will logoff and go to sleep now. Ha ha. Yea...

Supernova 1987 A

I talked about it, it is on the outskirts of the Tarantula Nebula within the Large Magellanic Cloud. It is over 160,000 light-years away, not a distance to traverse casually.

The shockwaves are visible in this modern picture taken by the Hubble Space Telescope. Such shockwaves compress nebulae and molecular clouds, seeding them with elements and driving star birth. This was how the Sun came to be.


The light from SN 1987-A reached earth in 1987, and was bright enough to see in the daytime. Unfortunately, it was only visible from the Southern Hemisphere.

I remember learning a lot about it when it happened. I was 11 when it happened.

Imagine the power of an exploding star. One of these days, it will happen to Betelguese, the 'right shoulder' of Orion. It is so big, if it replaced the Sun, it would engulf every planet out to Saturn. Astronomers say that it could have blown already and the light/energy has not reached our solar system yet.

One light-year is 3 trillion miles. Just thinking of such a distance is hard. The farthest human object in space, Voyager 1, is just 60 or so AU away and getting farther. An AU (Astronomical Unit) is the distance from the Earth to the Sun, 93 million miles. It should make it to a nearby star in forty or so millennia.

You can learn more about all this on Wikipedia or www.nasa.gov or ask me. Astronomy is my love. Has always been.

Something I Didn't Know

This is Lt. M'Ress, a Catian female who appeared in the Animated Star Trek series.

I have never seen the animated series. It came on before I was born, and ran up to my first years. Why can't Star Trek remain true to its storylines? I think the whole idea of Reboot is such BS.

My favorite Star Trek series is DS9. I like and dislike things about Voyager. I watched the Next Generation for years and it got old after a while.

I am not a huge Star Trek fan. I like Star Wars more than anything like that.

However, Star Trek has a rich history and a compelling backstory.

About M'Ress, a catgirl? I have read that they inserted Kzinti into the Animated Series. I have read most of the Man-Kzin Wars stories. I always thought the idea of a feline race was cool. My favorite animal is the cheetah.

I am a cat person, though is it right for a man of my age to admit that? I don't care. I may be 35 but I don't feel 35. Time sorta stopped for me a few years ago.

A Kzin is an upright tiger sort of creature, the Hero race. Nasty brutes, ratcats, some of them were cool like Chuft-Captain who got kicked by a Pupeteer, forever shaming him. I love that story.

I did not know about M'Ress until today. Weird, eh?

I will try to find the animated series to watch it, not only for her, but to see the Kzinti.

I tried a felinoid race in my stories but they kinda faded away. I will rework them one of these days.

I have been feeling down but learning new things, well, new to me, makes me feel better.

A Horrible Thought

Everyone knows who Stephen Hawiking is, right? He is an extremely disabled British phycisist. Likely the smartest human alive. He rivals Einstein in his theories and quest for Grand Unification in Physics. I do not know if there is a Grand Unified between the Weak and Strong and Electromagnetic and Gavity forces. The search for the famous Higgs boson is related to the Unification theory.

However, the UK newspaper The Guardian, interviewed Professor Hawking and what he said is truly shocking.

He said that God and belief in an afterlife is a "fairy story".

If so, what does it matter if I kill myself? It would actually benefit the earth, having one less human.

No, I cannot accept this. The Universe just didn't happen. What happened before the Big Bang? And if it is eternal and cyclical, there had to be a beginning somewhere.

I do not believe the Genesis story. The earth formed over the course of billions of years. The sun just didn't spontaneously appear. We see stars being born all over space. Look up the Orion Nebula if you want to see that. Look up the star Folmahaut to see its dust disk from which planets form.

Testing done on asteroid material, meteorites, moon rocks, and comet particles captired by Stardust, show that the Solar System is 4.5 billion years old. It has another 4 or so billion years until the Sun bloats, startintg the slow death common to all stars its size.

Nothing here is eternal. Nothing really matters in the light of such knowledge.

I believe in God. My faith is that everything makes sense somehow. I do not know why we have the problems we do. It is human failures that led us to the problems we have. Communism, greed, apathy, consumerism, all of it, they are human failures.

If you study anthropology, then you see that we have not been here for very long. Homo sapiens have been around a fraction of the time Homo erectus was.

All other hominids are extinct. What does that tell you? Maybe our path away from apelike ancestors is a rocky one.

We exist only because nothing bad like an airbourne H1N1 influenza has not evolved. Or because a huge asterioid, or worse, a comet, has not hit the earth. Or because there has not been a stratovolcano like Yellowstone eruption in a long time.

There is evidence that the Toba eruption 30,000 years ago almost wiped humans off the face of the earth. DNA science proves that something did. We are all not even a fraction of a difference in DNA. Just enough to be different in skin and eyes and height and hair and build, and tolerances. These are all familial traits.

The first true human came about in an Ice Age. It is not even clear that he or she lived in the Pleistocene, we are Holocene creatures.

I muddle through a daily sense of shame, self-depreciation, and anxiety. Nothing can trigger my anxiety, it comes on its own.

If Stephen Hawking is right, then nothing matters.

But I do not and cannot believe that.

I believe in angels, I believe in Jesus. I believe in Salvation. I believe that this will all work out.

But be clear, Atenism possibly influenced ancient Jewish people, the people who wrote the Old Testament. Aten was a sun god worshipped by the Pharoh Amenhotep IV, who changed his name to Akhenaten. This created a huge dischord in Ancient Egypt and he became the most reviled of all ancient kings.

The idea of the Sun giving us life is a beautiful expression of a basic truth. We would not be here without the Sun.

The true story may never be known.

You can see the interview at http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2011/may/15/stephen-hawking-interview-there-is-no-heaven

Quiet Now....

A reminder, Hurricane Season begins on the 1st of June. I seroiusly doubt that the weather follows a schedule but the NHC knows more than I do about these things. This is a Weather Channel satellite image of the Atlantic Ocean. Most hurricanes that hit the Gulf, Carribean or East USA, start off as storms or an instability from the coast of Africa. Storm energy doesn't always manifest as storms. It could be a simple low pressure system.

The 2011 Hurricane Names issued by the NHC:

Arlene, Bret, Cindy, Don, Emily, Franklin, Gert, Harvey, Irene, Jose, Katia, Lee, Maria, Nate, Ophelia, Philippe, Rina, Sean, Tammy, Vince, Whitney

You can always visit the NWS National Hurricane Center at www.hurricanes.gov

The Weather Channel is always good about talking about hurricanes. The Tropical Update on the tv channel is always at 10 minutes before the hour.

Why do I talk about hurricanes? They have always fascinated me. Who could forget Hurricane Andrew? Of course, I live in CenTx, which can catch some gnarly weather if a hurricane hits between Houston and Courpus Christie. It is nothing as terrible as what anyone on the islands or coastlines get, however.

I will post nice pictures of hurricanes as they happen, as I usually do.

Tarantula Nebula

This is the Tarantula Nebula in the Large Magellaic Cloud. It is way too far away to visit but it looks pretty on your pc monitor.

You can find out more at Wikipedia.

I Forgot

I forgot to take my med. Celexa. This is a maintanance med I take to mitigate anxiety. I have taken it since 2008. I get it from the wm pharmacy in my hometown, it costs $4 per 30 dose card though I am supposed to get two cards because my dose is twice daily. When I stopped taking the second dose in mid 2010, I asked them only to give me one card a month. This makes my med last and helps me sleep, deal with things, and it has an effect on my sexuality and how I feel.

Not taking it can have horrible consequences. Number one, I am more prone to panic attacks. I nearly had one last night when I lost my watch. It is here somewhere but I have not found it yet.

If I do not take my med after two days, I have neurological effects like tremoring, nervous shocks all over my central nervous systems and instability. Because I take a lesser dose now, it could be more mild but I am not keen on testing that. I do not like those feelings.

If you see me stumble or look spacey, that is because of my med. When I worked at em, I took it around 1 pm on my first break and again at 1130 pm before I went to sleep.

I now go to sleep around 3 am and take my med about 1230 am or so. I get up anywhere between 11 am and 2 pm, though I try to be up by 1230 pm to watch Fraggle Rock, lol.

I wonder if I will always have to take celexa. This is why I didn't go see the psychology doctor. I do not want to take a more potent med. I do not want to be stripped of my defenses from anxiety. Any chance at a normal life for me faded when I developed this soul-wrenching condition.

My life never will be like it was 10 years ago.

As I get older and develop things like arthritis, it's coming, I can feel it, these things can grind on my anxiety and make things worse.

Why did I forget? I do not know, but I think it was because I was watching a movie (Predators) and I usually don't watch movies. I can't sit still for that long.

If I traveled, I would likely not do well. Taking me from my safe place, exposing me to unfamiliar things and people. I lack health insurance now, I do not know what would happen if I had a full power panic attack, which could lead to hurting myself to make it stop.

Am I forever going to be sick like this? Will I become more mentally ill as time goes by? I feel scared when I think about that.

I do not have a female companion. I will likely live alone in the future.

I do not know if I can.

Spider

I felt like posting a picture of a gnarly spider.

I don't like or hate spiders. They usually don't bother me but I will kill one if it affects human activity.

Actually I couldn't find the tarantula native to my home county, the Texas brown tarantula, in a picture I liked. I like this one of a Mexican red-knee tarantula. Don't ask me to go looking for one. I was told as a kid, leave it alone, and I remain loath to go looking or hold one.

Did you know there is a nebula called the Tarantula Nebula? It is not in our galaxy, but in the Large Magellanic Cloud Galaxy. Supernova 1987A happened in that nebula. I will post a picture of it if there is any demand.

The Magellanic Clouds are not visible from the Northern Hemisphere, You probably have to go to South Africa or South America or Australia to see them. I'd love to.

I know many people who freak out about spiders. Why? Only a handful are dangerous.

Of course, I have a phobia of scorpions. That doesn't make sense since Scorpio is my sign, and Scorpius is my favorite constellation. I was stung on the left ankle when I was a child. I must have been 4 or 5, yet I can clearly remember it, I had been brushing my teeth.

I wonder if that incident led to my bad habit of not brushing my teeth. With my sugar heavy diet, that's not a good thing. I do it more now. I do need to visit the dentist sooner or later. That does not scare me. I've had a fiber optic camera run up my urinary system. There can't be a worse thing than that.

My Car

I said I would post a picture of it. This is my car, a 1997 Mazda Protege. It was originally a teal green color.

You can see that not paying attention to it has led to oxidation of its paint. My car was damaged in a blowout on thr driver's side front wheel. I could not photograph it from that side because someone put a bike and some crap by it.

My car suffered a belt breakage in 2003. This belt runs the alternator, power steering pump, and coolant. The car suffers badly if this belt is not on. Some idiot tried to fix it and damaged one of the belt's pulleys so that when the alternator is drawing load, like when the lights are on, it slips, making that squealing sound some cars make. It is the sound of a belt slipping.

You see one of the wheel covers is missing. It disappeared at an automated carwash in Cove in 2001.

My car has 105,000 +/- 100 miles on it. It runs fine, well did, otherwise. Now its brakes are rusted. Its battery is dead. It likely has denatured fuel left in the tank. Why is this?

I lost my job last year. I intended to fix it when the next bonus came. Only, it never did. I left before that.

I believed, honestly, believed, still do, that I would have killed myself if I had stayed at wm. The stress winds my anxiety tight, I feel like crying. That is VERY unusual for me. Though I am sensitive, it is my own pain that makes me feel that way.

I took this picture with my phone. It takes good pictures. If I edit photos, this one wasn't, I use Corel Paint Shop X, which came with my copy of WordPerfect X3.

I did not get paint shop with WP Office X5. I don't see the need. I don't use many of its utilities as it is. I am a writer, not a businessperson.

Don't worry about me. I will be all right. I am working on feeling better, going back to my massive music collection, writing more, playing Spore and mahjong. I might even pop into Sins of a Solar Empire, though it takes a long time to set up the gnarliest space battle. There is a YouTube link to post battles, though I have never used it. Spore has that too. My phone can take video. I will share more of what I see.

It is possible that I may have to sell my car. I would only do so in the effort to get a newer one. I do not want a new car. I want one with 30k miles on it, like this car had when I got it back in '98.

Maybe one day, when I get a new car, I might go out more. Doesn't seem likely but stranger things have happened.

I might even get enough nerve to go look for a new girlfriend. Yea, and we'll have snow in August too. Right.

Me

This is me. I took this picture with my LG smartphone. I was in the car, in Cove, sunny day and all that.

The point was to test my phone's camera. My phone was down for a while. It's all right now.

That being said, I feel that I look like a girl. I look down when in the shower and gasp, I'm not a girl! I worked at walmart from May '06 to June '10. In that time, I became so depressed, I planned to kill myself on August 23, 2008. Obviously I didn't because I'm still here. What stopped me?

I have stories to write. I was writing that day. I would have to Quick Search in Corel WP X5 to see which one and that is a pain in the tail.

I have used Corel WordPerfect 9, X3 and now X5. This has been since 2003, My stories before then are all handwritten in usually 3-subject spiral notebooks. I still have them and refer to them if a continuity issue comes up.

I am a loyal Corel customer.

WP has changed the way I write and has improved my prose and grammar. I have no problem with prose. I write like a flow, It comes and I don't insert myself into any scenes.

If I did not write, I would not have a healing thing to fall back on when I feel like taking the Yoshi Blade to a sensitive artery.

If I don't talk about it, how would anyone know how I feel? I could talk about it on FB but no one answers. Unless you have anxiety disorder, you cannot understand it or how it makes one feel.

Sometimes, I feel like there is no hope. Sometimes, I feel like I am a ghost. Sometimes, I cannot write because I feel so bad. In those times, I go outside or listen to music. It doesn't always help.

I have double dosed my Celexa when I felt like that and it makes me sleepy. I no longer can afford to do that. I take a nap when the serotonin builds up, you know, your stomach and entrails make it as they digest.

I have gone on the web and looked for notes from people in my condition who have killed themselves. I am scared because sometimes, I feel like that too.

I mean, really, who would care if I was gone outside my family? I would be buried hopefully near my ancestors and be forgotten.

I don't have children. I don't go to church, I don't go to parties, I don't go to bars or the club, I don't even like going out to eat. I did with Jen because I love her. I still do, 2 years after we broke up. I have not seen Jen for a whole year. Perhaps that is a good thing and it makes me sad when I see her.

I don't understand why people bandy their children about in photos on FB. Do they not know how that makes people like me feel?

I could have children, possibly, if my prostate behaved. Could I deal with the stress? Not a chance. I have always chosen to be careful.

It is highly likely that I will not have children and this part of my family will go extinct after my death. I am not worthy of my name, I feel. I am a discredit to my ancestors. My dad, not so much.

One of these days, I will have a depressive episode, they come and go, and have the nerve to do something that cannot be taken back. This is why I eschew guns. I would be dead now if I had one. The easiest way.

I could overdose my celexa but it takes more than my monthly dose to do that and it would not always work.

I envy other 35 year olds who are dead. This is not healthy behavior.

I post comments when I feel bad and maybe I don't now. Seeing that picture though, did you know that in my 4 years at wm, I was mistaken for a girl by customers more than a 100 times. That hurts, you know. There is nothing girl-like about me physically.

I do not know how long I can contiue to go on. Every day is like a different beginning. I need to go out but I am not comfortable out.

I remember a really long time ago, when I was a kid, Duran Duran was the coolest thing. I did not see the appeal then, it didn't strike me until I was in my late teens. I don't like to remember that far back, I am reminded of how things went wrong between then and now. It did not happen all at once. It just happened.

If I can get SS for my condition, I may move to an area where I could be treated.

People like roaches. I know about roaches. People are just like them.

One more thing I tolerate in this life. I tolerate a lot of things others wouldn't. To me, if I don't do it, who will? Just tune out the bad things, bugs, verbal abuse, lack of privacy, being in the rural wasteland.

Oh, and my car. I'll talk about it tomorrow. I will take a picture of it in the sunlight with our digital camera. You will wonder how it got that way.

One more thing just tuned out.

I once had sex in my car. WTF? That's Austin for ya.

I hope to get a Kia Rio or Spectra. I like those cars. I used to drive a Spectra, until it was repossessed last summer. One more thing to tune out.

I can't casually go anywhere. I have to depend on others to get my med from the pharmacy. I'm 35, you know.

Just tune out. I posted this pic to FB, depending on any comments, I may suffer damage to my distorted view of self-image.

Just reading this blog should tell you how I feel over time.

Not that anyone cares.

Why do you think my blog has that title? I feel like a ghost. I want to be one.

Death?

This is Casey Anthony, a young Florida woman who did something very reprehensible. I do not know much of what they accuse her of, but one thing remains, her 2 year old daughter, is dead.

Why is it that girls who do give in when asked for sex, do not insist on protection? The female has a heavier investment in sex, because the actual penetration is introducing a forign object in her vagina.

Too many guys have no empathy for the female. I hope to understand, I have written stories from a female POV for a long time. I try to have empathy, but some females are about as empathic as a demon. Is Casey one of those?

No matter how little Caylee died, Casey is reponsible, even if it was an accident. The fact that she said nothing about her kid being missing for so long alone shows you how un-empathic she is.

Does she deserve death? IMO, ONLY if she actually killed little Caylee and I don't beleve any young woman could be that callous and uncaring. If she helped kill little Caylee, death, as it is the same callousness.

If she was hiding an accident, or if she was threatened to keep quiet, then a lengthy prison term, long enough to hold her past menopause so she can't quite casually have another child.

That last scenario is unlikely. She knows what happened. She better tell what she knows, her life could depend on it.

I hope the truth comes out. I will be watching the trial on In Session.

Not Forgotten

I would have loved to have known her. She was probably funny and smart. I will never forget her. This month, she has been missing for five years. Everyone online says that she is dead.

Would death be better than White slavery as some allege? I would think so. Being White myself, I do not think anyone should be enslaved but that is a topic for a future post.

Natalee should not have gone to that night club. She should have had nothing to do with a piece of Eurpoean garbage. JvdS is a base piece of excrement. I do not know him but I hate him with a passion. I hope he gets the death penalty. It is only fitting. No, I do not feel influenced by my home state, who executes murderers and other filth when their time is due.

WTF did that class trip go to Aruba? I remember our senior class trip, we spent it in the high school auditorium. And if Lampasas was broke then, now 17 years ago, what is it now?

If I had a daughter, I would never let her go to a foreign country without me or her mother. Especially an island a stone's throw from Venezuela.

I will never really understand. I am not a social creature. Had I been in that class on that trip, I would have spent the time at the beach or taking pictures. I love tropical scenes. The only place I have ever seen the ocean is from Corpus Christie and that is the same ocean you can see from Aruba or any other island. All sub-arms of the Atlantic.

All the ocean is interconnected and covers well over 3/4 of the earth's surface. The USA has miles and miles of coastline. They could have gone to Florida, the Carolinas, or even Hawaii, all American states. Hell, they could have come to Texas, Padre Island is likely the coolest place to be ever. I will go back there one day.

The only person I knew from Alabama was my 12th Grade Spanish teacher.

I don't reckon that I could not get along with anyone from the Deep South. We Texans are loved in many places. Not so much at home, it seems sometimes.

I would go back in time and save Natalee. I do not believe that would affect Causality.

Sadly, I will never meet her. She is likely gone. She would be what now? My math is so bad, 23?

Older than Malee is.

I hope that if she is gone, she finds eternal peace.

I wonder if we can meet in the Afterlife. That would be extremely good.

Oh yea, I culled this picture from Faux News. About the only good thing from them.

Sad Days

I have woken up in the past few days in a terribly sad mood. I am 35, childless, never had a true girlfriend. I never had trouble when I actually sought a girlfriend. The times I was offered sex, it was too easy.

I always thought I was never right to have children. I am not all that mature. I am approaching middle age yet my life hasn't really changed from my early 20's.

My Anxiety Disorder has tightened since leaving wm. I do not go out and when I do, I am shaken, trembly, sweating, sick feeling. It is not so bad because I am not forced to stay in one place for hours like in the wm.

I am having trouble peeing, which is no doubt related to my prostate. The state of my prostatitis is worsening because it comes and goes and unlike the last time it got bad, I do not have health insurance and the doctors won't help if I don't. Greedy bastards.

Every time I hurt there, which is almost every day, I wonder, even if I met a woman willing to be mine and wanted a kid, could I even finish. The dozen or so times I was with Malee, I never finished. Could be that it hurt, or I wasn't attracted to her, or even my anxiety clamped down like that iron door that fell on the Rancor in SW Ep. 6: ROJ.

I have no trouble finishing in the m-thing. My emission seems normal but who knows? It has never been studied for viability.

I am certain that I will not live past 40. I cannot stand these feelings, the separation from my friends, the lack of interest in things I am passionate about, like my writing and music, and the costant verbal abuse I get from my disabled father.

I will try to get a new job but it is likely going to lead back to the suicidal risk of depression I get when my anxiety tightens like a constrictor snake.

I wish someone would contact me. My ICQ# is 427645585.

I hate spammers and bots. If you are human, I don't mind.

I hope to feel better soon.

Another thing that worries me. I take Celexa's generic form, citalopram hydrobromide. I am supposed to take it twice daily but since last October, I only take one a day, usually before I sleep so I do not get panic attacks that keep me awake. That happens sometimes, has for a long time. It helps me stay calm here, but away from home, it doesn't help thanks to its halved dosage. I did that because I can't afford the $4 to get refills. Someone else gets it for me. How shameful is that?

Will I have to take citalopram for the rest of my life? What then, is the point in going on?

I need love. Love helps so much. Jen taught me that. It is like a panacea.

There is no love in my life now. It hurts, you know?

Final Journey

I will always remember them. They were an inspirartion throughout my life. A symbol of American pride and courage.

This is Endeavor which flies on Friday around ll am CDT on Friday. I am not terribly interested in watching the wedding but I will watch this. I am terribly sad that there won't be but one more after this mission.

What does it do for us? You have plastics. You have velcro. You have possibly the greatest tool ever built by humans, the Hubble Space Telescope. They also launched Galileo the space probe, who met its fiery end in Jupiter's atmosphere.

I am glad Rep. Giffords will be there. I am very glad she is doing better.

Good luck to Commander Giffords and his crew.

Kate

Does this look like a princess? Is she your image of a future queen? I don't know. I'm positive that she is 17x the charm and sweetness of any girl her age in America. I am glad for Prince William and wish Princess Diana could have seen this. Her heart needed all the gladness after the debacle of that lecherous scum Charles.

Truly, Charles did nothing no other Prince of Wales or King of the UK had done. Look at Henry VIII.

I vilify Charles because he is a link to a legacy of bad behavior. Most of all because of what he did to Princess Diana.

She will always be a princess, much beloved.

Maybe Kate will be as loved as Princess Diana. I hope so.

You can say America doesn't need royalty, the US Constitution does. However, what legacy do we have as Americans? Murdering others not like you? Great feats of the past. Legendary people whose help we could use right now.

I am Texan first, American, second. However, if given a choice, I would live under a Queen any day.

Good luck to Prince William and Kate. May they find the love and joy I never have :(

A Disturbing Realization.

*A Warning* This is personal.

I am 64.7 inches tall. For the first 30 years of my life, I weighed 120ish pounds. I am now closer to 160. I am not fat, I have weight gain because of Celexa and the fact that I am not very active.

When I was a young adult, I used to believe that I was a cute guy. Many girls said so. The cuteness remains on some days but I don't feel cute most of the time.

Could I have been a twink? Absolutely not. I may have been skinny and cute but I AM NOT attracted to other guys. The thought sickens me. I was raised in a community where that was not very acceptable and gosh, I have always been attracted to blondes and Asian girls.

But I am growing to wonder if that was how people saw me, why I lost my virginity at the age of 24 in Austin. With her, it was so great, so natural.

The only other female I have had sex with, Malee, it was like a nightmare. I cringe when I remember it. I won't descreibe it further in respect to her. It was a mistake I will regret for the rest of my days.

I am glad I am not so young looking now. If my appearance reflected how I feel emotionally, I would be melted bones. My facial hair is graying. I can only stand to shave once a week because it freaking hurts, but it could be that Hydro razor I use.

I mean, I have a Norelco Bodygroom electric razor that I use to shave my chest, abdomen, private area and my hiney with. That does not hurt. I do not shave my arm/leg hair, they aren't so bad.

My body's skin tone is as pale as white plastic. I am kinda self conscious about that but it is part of being White I guess. Even compared to a tanned White person, I am ghostly pale.

I do not tan, I burn or get freckles. Neither of those is a good thing.

I have blue eyes, though I wear glasses and that takes away from their appeal. I wear attractive glasses and I feel I look strange without them. I have worn glasses since I was 12.

Anderson Cooper asked on Twitter, what age would you like to go back to?

I said 5 if only because it was 1980. Before all the bs. I was super-cute as a kid. I had red hair and blue eyes. My hair changed to brown over my adolecent years but part of it is still red. My hair now is a light brown color but often in daily life seems darker because I haven't washed it. I do that at night mostly.

I am 35 now. Anxiety and worry have caused stress lines and things like that. Stress hss permanently damaged my prostate gland and I must be very careful at choosing a girlfriend in the future.

I will become vegetarian soon. This is for health reasons and the fact that I am sickened by animal cruelty.

I may lose weight that way. I have gone hungry for much of 2011 and I have not lost weight. Constantly around 160 since I started taking Celexa. I started taking it at the end of 2008.

I am morbidly fascinated by the suicidal people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. I might have been among them had I lived in SF when I felt suicidal a year ago.

I no longer feel suicidal but my anxiety-depression is cyclical. It comes and goes.

I have no one to talk to. I miss that. I feel uncomfortable about meeting new people. Ask them in wm 407 about me. You will hear that I am loved and also reviled depending on who you ask.

Sorry to be personal. It is one more way of expressing how I feel. I will post a nice picture in recompense.

Arp 273

In this April 20, 2011 photo provided by NASA, the Hubble Space Telescope captures a group of interacting galaxies called Arp 273. The larger of the spiral galaxies, known as UGC 1810, has a disk that is tidally distorted into a rose-like shape by the gravitational tidal pull of the companion galaxy below it, known as UGC 1813. A swath of blue jewels across the top is the combined light from clusters of intensely bright and hot young blue stars. The smaller, nearly edge-on companion shows distinct signs of intense star formation at its nucleus, perhaps triggered by the encounter with the companion galaxy. A series of uncommon spiral patterns in the large galaxy is a tell-tale sign of interaction. Arp 273 lies in the constellation Andromeda and is roughly 300 million light-years away from Earth. Hubble was launched April 24, 1990, aboard Discovery's STS-31 mission. (AP Photo/NASA)

So beautiful, isn't it? An inspiration of nature's beauty. You can learn about the Arp Catalog of Peculiar Galaxies at Wikipedia.

Sleep

For some reason, ever since I was a child, I have always needed to sleep like 10 hours at night. This did not change in my nocturnal schedule between ages 17 and 33. I guess I have a mental slowness or else my brain takes a long time to process and collimate information. It could be because of my high metabolism, which has slowed in the last few years, or because I am as some say, a sickly person.

I have slept on the same bed for like 20 years. It is now threadbare and springs poke me in the ribs when I sleep. I have not been able to afford a new one for a long time. I sleep on a twin size bed and would not have sex in my bed because it would be uncomfortable to the female.

There's really no privacy here anyway and the only privacy I really need is in the bathroom or while doing the m-thing.

When I sleep, I wear a t-shirt usually only meant to be worn at night, like those with art or printing on them. I wear solid colors, usually gray, when going out. I wear sweatpants and socks, too. That has a lot to do with the environment in which I live but I also feel uncomfortable laying down in my underwear. I wish I could wear underwear all other times but I wear briefs and that really doesn't hide anything.

Some might think this is too much to wear to sleep but I am used to it.

I have always wanted a place of my own, where I could sleep when I wanted. That doesn't seem likely but when I do actually get another job, I will seriously try for it.

I take Celexa's generic incarnation, citalopram-hydrobromide, for my anxiety problems. I reduced my prescribed dosage of 40 mg a day to 20 mg a day because I can't afford the $4 of my medicine often. My mom has to get it for me. That is sad.

Celexa makes me sleepy. It makes me bloated a little. It also has a strange effect on my sexuality, delay. I can delay as long as possible. I should be in porn, lol.

Reducing dosage has:

1. Intensified my panic-attack prone anxiety when leaving the house.
2. Altered my sleep patterns.
3. Made things seem pointless. I don't react quickly to things.

I have strange dreams, last night I was at a NHRA drag race. WTF? I don't like drag racing and would never gone and have never been to one.

The blonde woman from NY who has been in my dreams since I was a teenager shows up sometimes. I do not know who she is. I have never met her.

Jen shows up sometimes. That is painful. I still love her in some piece of my heart.

I have constant er.... when I sleep. If I wake up too soon, I can't get up until it subsides. Could be embarrassing. I thought that went away as I got older, it did not.

I cannot sleep without my radio. This has been true for 30 years. If the radio station goes off or stops playing music, I will wake up. I listen to the Fox (www.1073rocks.com) all the time.

Yes, the music affects my dreams too. I am not given to many sexual dreams but it happens every once and a while.

I do not sleep well when it is too warm. I cannot stand to be cold but in cold weather, I have many blankets and layer. I must have a pillow between my legs, which helps my prostate by spreading them and reducing pressure on the middle of my pelvic area.

BTW, seeing your pelvis on a CT scan is cool. Mine is sharply narrow, a male trait.

I don't remember seeing much else on the CT scan, you know, X-Rays go right through soft tissue. The contast fluid I had to drink, eww, imagine yogurt and spoiled milk well blended and that is what it tasted like. I hope I never have to drink it again.

Back on-topic, sleeping is nice when I can do it. I can initiate sleep by taking my med. It strikes quickly. That was a problem at walmart when I wasn't busy. I would get sleepy. It fades as my med wears off.

I would have to restore my dosage when I get a new job, perhaps even alter the times I take it, usually 12 hours apart. No telling what the effect will be.

I used to couldn't sleep during a t-storm. I hate thunderstorms. They worry/scare me. Now, it doesn't really affect me unless the weather radio goes off. That thing's beep is really loud.

I usually sleep now from 3am to 11am now. I sometimes wake up after 1pm.

I miss a lot that way. No one misses me.

Nakoruru Memory

This is Nakoruru, a character from the SNK NeoGeo game Samurai Showdown. She means something special to me, as she is my favorite fighting game character and inspired an archetype for notable female characters in my stories.

Before all that, when I was a teenager, when I did not have to work, I would go to a video store in my hometown to play the arcade version of SS. I have never seen a NeoGeo and never could find the PS port of the original SS game. Now that I am unemployed and have no money, I cannot get it.

I always picked Nakoruru because she is fast. She is liquid grace and uses a short sword which I like. I was a master with her and could beat any challenger fool that intruded on my game playing time in less than 10 seconds.

But thinking of Nakoruru, I remember my teenage days. I never thought life would be like this. I used to think that things would be cool, I could do what I want and live where I want.

I can't do anything now. It's misery. I developed anxiety disorder in my 30's. I developed chronic prostatitis in my mid 30's. Of course, I am 35 now.

I had a job when I was a teen. I worked at Winn-Dixie. A picture of me in our yearbook showed me there. I was there for 7 years. I used to think I'd always be there. Then it closed. I went on to another store, then the debacle of Y2k, after which I worked at my favorite job. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. The company I worked for is no more now.

When I was a teenager, I was addicted to soda, music, and I wrote a lot, the foundation of my story world. I have written an ongoing epic space opera since I was 18. My writing helps me chill. I try to craft better stories now, but it takes some effort not to blah blah blah the story into left field.

I wish I could still play SS. It would remind me of simpler days. I posted a picture of her, the shrine maiden from Hokkaido.

I wonder if Hokkaido was damaged in the earthquake/tsunami. I hope not.

How silly that a video game character affected me so. There's not a lot to my life.

About the C

Ha ha, I admit to a porn addiction. This started near the beginning with my relationship with Jen, who is as frigid as a spring day on Pluto. I am particular to what I like and I won't share that but I will say my favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova.

Over the years, I always thought Playboy was the thing. I mean, it defines the men's magazine, likely the most read of them. However, over the last few years, I have got copies of it that do not show the C. Hardly anything in the pubic area.

What is the most beautiful part of a woman? To me, it is proportion. But I like all parts of them.

What is the C? Clitoris. The clitoris is a structure in the same place and from the same origin tissue as what develops into a penis in the male should it be a male fetus.

What is a vagina but a deep dark hole? I am reminded of my time with Malee, who reinforced that opinion. She wouldn't let me see, took my glasses. I can't see more than inches away clearly without them. Why be shy about your genitals?

We all have them. It doesn't matter how big, small, colored, pale, shaped, or asymmetric it is. This is true for both genders. I feel that Victorian-ism, which was Prince Albert's fault, actually, still stains civilization with prudishness and ignorance.

That is not to say that showing them off is proper in a public setting.

I admit that I wish I had been born a girl. I do not feel confusion about my gender but I have sensitivity, empathy, and shyness like a girl. I am not feminine in any way however.

Why is this? It could be the root cause of my anxiety disorder, an overly-sensitive personality. I have always been overly-sensitive.

I do not like other guys. I don't like to look at them and I don't like associating with them.
It can be that I relate poorly to other males, or there is an implied threat, or just because the lot are stupid smelly creatures.

I am not shy about my body, other than the belly I have, of which something can be done about. I am also cursed with androgenic hair in many places.

My prostatitis and the treatments for it has all but ruined any propriety, sensitivity, or inhibition I had.

Anyway, I subscribe to Penthouse, which does show the C and that is why I subscribe to it. I am not looking for sick porn but I am looking for beautiful examples of femininity.

Ha ha. Let's see you talk about such things.

I'm Still Here

It's been a while since I've posted. I have had no net access. I have this rare chance to post so I am taking it.

Things have been sad. I have never been hungry in my life and yet over the last six months, I have had far less to eat than normal. This is because there is no money here. I have no job and I can't trust that my Anxiety Disorder won't act up if I go for a new job. I need to talk with the doctor but cost is the issue.

I check messages on a cell phone that isn't mine. Mine is a prepay Go Phone but I have no minutes. I have had a Go Phone since the year 2000, but like 3 different phones from it. I now have an LG smart phone. It is great but took some getting used to. I have a love-hate relationship with AT&T.

My prostatic pain has intensified. I hurt badly when I pee, and even worse when I do the other. This is because the colon/rectum is literally right next to the prostate gland in a male. Again, I can't go to the urology doctor, the cost, and I have no car to get to Temple, which is some distance away from the rural wasteland. I don't like driving that far. I sort of sit on the prostate in a soft seat like a car seat. Lord forbid if I have to pee and have to hold it. The more I hold, the worse it hurts getting it out. It is reminiscent of the first time I had to pee after the uro-scope, that fiber-optic medical tool put through my peeny and into my bladder. Did it hurt? Yes, but a nurse injected a sedative in my peeny and I did not feel it until it was well into my urinary tract. Even then, 2 years after the fact, I cringe when I remember that pain. The pain is similar to what I feel now when I pee.

Why am I mentioning this? This is what I deal with on a daily basis. I am uncomfortable in jeans now. I wear sweatpants most of the time, which I used to never do.

I have not felt suicidal thankfully. I am writing more now and have written a dozen stories since I last posted here.

I am fed up with my FB friends. Simple minded twits. Mind that all but 2 of them were my classmates from our hometown. I am on Spore, ( arthelius-ghost ) and little else anymore.

I take Celexa still. I wonder if I could live without it. I doubt that. I still have panic attacks in certain situations. I do not leave the house normally. When I go outside, I am not bothered. I have lived here for 12 years. When I go somewhere, it is usually to familiar places. Even then, I am uncomfortable in a walmart, which was where my mental illness began.

I have not set foot in wm 407 since April 26th of 2010 and ain't likely to even after the end of time.

I hope to go to a wm closer to my house, like in my hometown.

I am still here, don't worry about me. I will post more as opportunity allows.

The Noble Thing

I regret that I was not born in my ancestors' land of the UK. It is hardly not like I do not like Being Texan, it's in the blood. I have come to the belief after my congressman wrote me back after I asked him about the health care thing, that our government is a sad excuse for a legislative body. It only reinforced my opinion about abolishing the US House of Representatives. It is a body of inaction and iniquity.

General Washington in his Farewell Address wrote:

The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries, which result, gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of Public Liberty.

If he feared this more than 200 years ago, why did we forget this?

I believe that we do better with someone in charge. Does it really matter how he or she got there? The only thing that matters is how they serve the people. The West existed for over a thousand years under monarchies. Unrestrained capitalism and avarice have made our attempt at a pure democracy a bad joke.

I won't bash republicans. I don't hate anyone. However, I strongly dislike conservatism. I dislike the weakened will of liberalism. I am politically centrist. I believe in compromise and listening to all.

Why do people run for congress? That money could be better spent helping hungry kids and adults, improving education, securing our threadbare infrastructure before it collapses, etc...

Why do they want to be in the public eye like that? Some portion of the public will love them, another portion dispises them. Why can't someone truly be interested in helping the whole?

No, I do not vote, I do not believe that it changes a darn thing. Maybe that is a bad thing. I don't really leave the house so I don't really matter in the great scheme of things.

I would go back in time, to find my ancestor that came to America 150 years ago, to convince them that it is really no better than anywhere else. Oh, maybe I wouldn't have been born if that was the case, pity that. That wouldn't bother me in the least.

I think royalty should be earned. Every child is born the same. It is what he or she is taught that makes them who they are.

Inequality of wealth illustrates this point. How many rich kids get into trouble and how many poor kids excel to rise above their beginnings? If I was rich, I'd share it. I don't like the idea of money, it has been a stain on civilization for thousands of years.

A rich guy only has it easier because of his money. He is separated by a gulf between him and the other 95% of America that is hurting right now. That gulf needs to be eliminated. Tax him until he bleeds to secure our deficit.

Consumerism, materialsim, all of that falls under two deadly sins, Avarice and Gluttony. Greed is hardwired into the human brain. Perhaps back when we had fur and lived in the trees, it was a survival strategy. We have not changed in that way.

I totally believe that some people are blessed with nobility, then some inherit it. It is not for anyone to say that it is wrong.

I just wish one person would take the responsibility to enact the change we need. THAT is nobility.

In my stories' timeline, the USA folded, fell apart in the year 2449. I do not know if we will even last that long.

Why I Left Walmart

I have waited a long time to talk about this. It is somewhat representative of the debilitating effects of my Anxiety Disorder.

I worked at Walmart Supercenter 407. I started in Grocery, day stocking, which is something I did at Winn-Dixie so long ago. However, I have worked in Grocery for years, I worked at HEB 174 before they built the new one, for two years. I was terminated for getting into a fight with a lazy coworker. That was a learning lesson and I have not been in a conflict like that with anyone since. I went to Solectron then, which was my favorite job EVER. Until it was outsourced to Penang in Malaysia. Solectron collapsed in 2007 and was taken over by a company in Singapore, and then shut down. Sad, that.

I worked in the Garden Center for two years. I learned A LOT about cultivation, lawn care, lawn mowers, flower care, etc.... I like helping people and I like gardening. I do not have one of my own because of the soil of the rural wasteland. I have lived here for 12 years now.

I was unemployed for three years from '03 to '06, which was somewhat of a defining time in my adult life. I developed anxiety disorder then, and the recurrent painful prostatitis that makes peeing painful to this day. As a side effect, I cannot enjoy sex, nothing is wrong with my 'equipment' it is further upstream and deep inside.

You cannot imagine the sheer embarrassing, invasive, and painful tests I have been through to determine the cause of my prostatitis. These tests erased any inhibition I have, though I am hardly ashamed of my penis, a fine example of them.

I mention this because it directly ties into the event that led to me leaving walmart.

A word of advice from Arthelius the Ghost: NEVER HAVE SEX WITH A CO-WORKER!

I did, with Malee, who would not win any prize for beauty, which is not nice to say but beauty in my opinion is a full sum of the parts of the female. This includes breasts and the appearance of her 'kitty'.

Malee had a repellent thing about her, which I asked a wise female friend about. This was somehow overheard by the German bitch Doris. I think of her as Ilsa, of the SS, she is cruel and arrogant. She called me names, said that I was a bad person, said that I did not deserve to live. Would always give me a dirty look, especially when I had the unfortunate task of door greeter, which in the Garden Center is the reponsibility of the GC associates sometimes.

Over the period of two months, 'Doris' got other people to hate me. Just because I asked for advice. I admit, maybe I shouldn't have. I mean, I coulda used the web.

But the worst thing is, that she told Malee.

Now I will admit, I do not love Malee. I can't. She is more than 10 years younger than me and I do not think a person in their low 20's is even adjusted enough to deal with the consequences of such a personal investment as sex. Look how many lives and relationships it has destroyed.

Over the years, I have become content with my own self-stimulation. This is a good thing since it is a doctor-ordered therapy for my painful prostate. I will mention that it makes the pain worse afterward and it does not feel good like it should. Because of this, I became addicted to porn. I am mainly stimulated by lesbian porn. My favorite 'actress' is Jana Cova, who exemplifies my idea of female beauty.

Anyhow, this tetra-disaster of being with Malee, which I SHOULD NOT have done, I felt ashamed for doing. I mean, I have had sex with two different females in my life, both Asian. Why can't I attract a White girl?

I have given up the idea of sex now. If and when I get another girlfriend, which is not a priority frankly, as they are willful and cruel creatures, I will not ask her for sex but if she wants it, I won't say no.

I became increasingly suicidal in feeling in my final two months of walmart. I was afraid that I would actually do it. I mean, some days.... gosh, I came very close.

I went to my doctor in April of '10, who authorized a medical leave for walmart and altered my medicine dosage. Over three months, the feeling subsided. I have spent the last months writing stories, listening to music, watching tv, playing Spore and doing chores.

I spend time with our cats. I like cats. They may not care about you but they are friends who won't turn on you. I don't like dogs for the opposite reasons. I actually HATE dogs. This makes me a 'bad person' in some peoples' opinions.

Perhaps I am too sensitive. I have always been too sensitive. Anxiety Disorder maginifies sensitivity so much, I can't deal with many people at once, hardly can deal driviing in heavy traffic, and especially can't deal with hateful, hurtful and insensitive people.

I made the decision to leave walmart in May. I asked many people for advice. They said if it causes such feelings and makes my mental illness worse, then leave. It was not a decision I made lightly.

So I left.

The time since has been very hard. I will admit, I am at home, I never left. My father has been disabled for 14 years. Who else will help him but me and my mom?

Doctors say, once you have a stroke, another is more likely. Could happen at any time. To see your father broken down like that has to be harder than losing him. It has been hard.

It has been hard because there is no money. I am using my sister's wireless thingy to go on the web. She does not help us. Going hungry is common. My family is on a fixed income, a sadly insufficient income. I cannot go get another job. Our car was repossessed in July. How will I get there?

I do have a car. It is disabled by a tension problem in a critical belt. Three repairs of it have failed. I will fix it myself hopefully if I get a tax return.

But my car is 13 years old. It doesn't look too good with oxidization of its paint. It likely cannot be repaired and I will have to sell it. I love that car. It has always brought me home. Besides, its a Mazda, who makes nice cars.

I am trapped here. This is likely making my Anxiety Disorder worse, drawing me in on myself more. I feel uncomfortable even going to the Post Office. At what point does it become a disability?

I will ask my doctor that.

I believe my life will end in suicide. Maybe not today, not tomorrow or next year but some time, it will get worse like that.

No one seems to understand or wants to help. I have given up asking for help.

I can return to Walmart. I am a trained associate, indoctrinated into the 'culture'. But I will never set foot in 407, EVER AGAIN. I have not since April 23, 2010, and I will never again.