I Forgot

I forgot to take my med. Celexa. This is a maintanance med I take to mitigate anxiety. I have taken it since 2008. I get it from the wm pharmacy in my hometown, it costs $4 per 30 dose card though I am supposed to get two cards because my dose is twice daily. When I stopped taking the second dose in mid 2010, I asked them only to give me one card a month. This makes my med last and helps me sleep, deal with things, and it has an effect on my sexuality and how I feel.

Not taking it can have horrible consequences. Number one, I am more prone to panic attacks. I nearly had one last night when I lost my watch. It is here somewhere but I have not found it yet.

If I do not take my med after two days, I have neurological effects like tremoring, nervous shocks all over my central nervous systems and instability. Because I take a lesser dose now, it could be more mild but I am not keen on testing that. I do not like those feelings.

If you see me stumble or look spacey, that is because of my med. When I worked at em, I took it around 1 pm on my first break and again at 1130 pm before I went to sleep.

I now go to sleep around 3 am and take my med about 1230 am or so. I get up anywhere between 11 am and 2 pm, though I try to be up by 1230 pm to watch Fraggle Rock, lol.

I wonder if I will always have to take celexa. This is why I didn't go see the psychology doctor. I do not want to take a more potent med. I do not want to be stripped of my defenses from anxiety. Any chance at a normal life for me faded when I developed this soul-wrenching condition.

My life never will be like it was 10 years ago.

As I get older and develop things like arthritis, it's coming, I can feel it, these things can grind on my anxiety and make things worse.

Why did I forget? I do not know, but I think it was because I was watching a movie (Predators) and I usually don't watch movies. I can't sit still for that long.

If I traveled, I would likely not do well. Taking me from my safe place, exposing me to unfamiliar things and people. I lack health insurance now, I do not know what would happen if I had a full power panic attack, which could lead to hurting myself to make it stop.

Am I forever going to be sick like this? Will I become more mentally ill as time goes by? I feel scared when I think about that.

I do not have a female companion. I will likely live alone in the future.

I do not know if I can.

Blah

It's blah. How hot can it be for a summer? 102 says the weatherbug now. It is a relatively frosty in here at 89.

I have been hurting, usually in a tolerable way when calm, but severely when peeing or the other thing or standing, stretching, and of course, it just hurts anyway sometimes.

I feel blah because I don't get to see my friends. They work on my days off. I don't feel social much anyway.

Blah. I wonder what it would take to end this pain. It likely involves knives and stitches. No thanks.

Arthelius says: "Yup"

Never mind, then.

Feeling Dizzily

I don't know if it is the meds or the lack of caffeiene but I feel soooo dizzily. Dizzily? What's that? Simply put, my mind is a frothy mush much like you might find in a DQ Blizzard after it melts a little.

I don't know if this is good for me. Then I get yelled at all day by people. Grrrrr! They can kiss my untannable ass. I don't know why I still exist, to be truthful but it sure ain't to be a catch net for a bitch fit.

I bought me some fit-over sunglasses finally. The Sun has been murder on my eyes as I drive to work. I do not care what people think. I cannot afford contact lenses and I really hate poking myself in the eyes to put them in. I wore them most of the year of '99. Always felt like something was in my eyes. Well, duh, genius, there was.

I hate wearing glasses but I have to. I am like majorly blurrily blind without them and I have zero depth perception and two different images for my mushy brain to process as both eyes are wildly different in focal points and sight.

Like my left eye is very noticeably worse than my right. The optometrist (eye doc) says that is typical. I have worn glasses since I was 12. Strangely, I could see fine before then, I thought.

Now I'm told that I am unattractive without them. Well, I guess so. I am a cutey and all.

I am dyeing my hair purple. I hope to go to a trance club and I will take my girlfriend because she complains that I never take her anywhere. She doesn't like trance music like I do but maybe she will once she sees the effect it has on people. Lol, it makes me drive faster like an idiot.

I wonder how purple hair on a relatively young guy would go over at wm. Like I care. I'm going to be working outside a lot in the garden center. I bought sunblock lotion and my sunglasses for this. I wanted to get SPF 70 but it was a spray and I don't know about that. I got Aveeno SPF 45. I'm like addicted to Aveeno. I use multiple products from them like the vital daily moisturizing lotion. I'll itch all day without it.

I don't care if you think that is effiminate of me. I have horribly dry skin. I carry hand lotion with me at work because my hands get cracky and will bleed. Like they care. I must protect myself a lot there, you know? I take the Celexa-clone to protect my mushy brain from there.

Never mind that my anxiety comes complete with a soul-crushing depression, shame and suicidal feelings. Funny how I didn't have it before I worked there. I have always been shy. The Celexa-clone brings me out of my shell if only for a few hours of the day.

I wear purple sometimes. Why? Why not? I think it looks good on me. If others don't like it, then they need to revise their opinions of themselves for being Philistines unworthy of the intelligence graced upon them.

I feel dizzily yes. I'd better go to sleep. See y'all kids later.