I am very upset. You may know from past posts I am on social security, I have severe anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. I do not go anywhere but to the store and the laundromat. Not because it is easy or places I don't feel anxiety, it is because I have to. Like I have to breathe or go to the bathroom. That kind of unavoidable have to. I do not go out by choice or invite.
Three years ago tonight, my dad went to sleep and never woke up. Since he has been gone, it has been grief and more grief.
Ever since, my mom, I do not know what she is thinking. Been giving her money to this mysterious man I have no idea of. If I see him, I'll take a baseball bat to his head.
We got evicted from a better apartment in 16, were homeless for five months. Because she did not have money because she gave it away.
She wised up and didn't do it but now again, she gave her money away. So it falls to me, I am selfless, you know, to cover her car payment and the rent here.
So that leaves me with 56 cents, a dozen hours after I received my benefit.
Am I angry? Anger does not serve when I can do nothing about it.
I am upset to the core. I could not get a data pass this month, so the one I am on now expires shortly. I do not know when I can get a new one, anytime between now and March. I will be offline and frankly, I may not be missed.
I got my medicine and my phone minutes. But nothing else for my benefit other than a jar of pickles. Love pickles.
If you are worried about me, I will use wifi to check in if I can. Hard when I don't go anywhere.
I do not know if I can manage this upset.
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Showing posts with label upset. Show all posts
Friday, February 2, 2018
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Not Normal
In the long history of this blog, I have detailed things wrong with me. I am disabled by Anxiety Disorder that gets worse as I get older. It causes agoraphobia and panic disorder. I have it worse than anything.
The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.
This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.
I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.
I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.
People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.
Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.
Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.
I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.
I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.
Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.
I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.
Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.
My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.
I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.
My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.
I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.
I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't
I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'
You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.
I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.
You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.
It is everything.
The stress it causes caused damage to my prostate gland. Urology determined that my pain is caused by psychological stress.
This began at my time at walmart. Super stress. I left walmart because I was contemplating suicide because I could not deal. I asked my doctor what to do and I decided to quit because killing myself isn't worth that cesspit of greed.
I have occasionally felt suicidal since. The feeling doesn't come around that often. I do not like it and it causes trouble.
I do not feel it now. One of the main stressors in my life is gone. That is not to say I feel better. My anxiety is worse because of the loss.
People say, go see a specialist or a psychologist.
Really? Are you going to pay the bill? I cannot. I do not receive a potent benefit because I stopped working when I was 35.
Could I do it again? No. I can't go outside, let alone a place where my anxiety would be twanged like a bass string. Anxiety stressors cause pain, emotive and physical through stress.
I am not well mentally, probably not physically either since have an occasional chest pain, respiratory, not cardiac. I hope.
I am not a good boyfriend. I don't go anywhere. I avoid spontaneity, anything the proactively causes my anxiety.
Panic disorder is strong. I take 100 mg of Zoloft every day and still feel it to some degree.
I have come to not expect that I will ever get better. What's 'better'? I have always had panic disorder, even when I was a kid.
Trembling is not rare for me. I sweat even if it's not hot. I cannot pee if someone else is anywhere near me. My heart goes boom-boom-boom, raising my blood pressure. Given what happened to my father, that may not be a good thing.
My adult life has been one long lonely time when I sit here and write, when I can, and listen to music. I do go outside at night to look at the stars but if someone was out there, I come in right away.
I feel deep panic during thunderstorms. When the power fails. When I see a scorpion. Sunlight causes panic. Driving causes deep panic. I feel deep panic when a girl looks at me. How the fuck is that not bad? It is horrible.
My hands shake a lot. Panic does that.
I feel panic when I get angry, intensifying the feeling. I consciously resist feeling angry.
I feel hopeless mostly. Tolerate things I shouldn't
I am not well so do not say it is 'just nothing'
You know nothing about it. You can't if you do not have it as well.
I am not normal. I have a problem which likely is genetic. It seems common in my maternal DNA.
You don't want to upset me, do ya? Don't talk about my condition like it's nothing.
It is everything.
Monday, January 26, 2015
Hate Sickness
I hate being sick. I haven't been sick in a long time. What is different about now?
I had to get a big box of Puffs. My nose is clogged, slowly leaking high-grade mucous. That mucous, I have seen naughty films where a female gags herself on fellatio and spits up the same mucous. How in the world is that attractive? It feels good to receive it but not so watching it.
What is the point of this mucous? What is my body doing?
I have lost my voice, I try not to talk, it kind of hurts.
I don't like being sick. Doubt seriously anyone does but really, it's just awful.
I slept for 10 and a half hours. What is happening to me?
I don't like getting up at 5 pm but did on this Hate Sunday.
Feel the worse when I do wake up.
My digestive system seems not to be affected. I still get hungry and can eat. God forbid if I have another accident. I think that was because it was dia-icky and I didn't realize it. I did clean my MeUndies which aren't really supposed to be washed and dried in the fashion I usually do laundry. Heat blasting dryer, I mean, it costs quarters to keep it going. I set it to hot and set it for 30 minutes. 35 to 40 minutes for pants and towels. HAVE to be dry because of the long stretches between the time I can do laundry.
I hate being sick. I hope it fades before my benefit comes. It is embarrassing being sick in public. You feel like you shouldn't be out and about.
But really, that is in like a week away. I have been sick for going on 4 days already. If it goes on for that long, what damage is this doing to my body?
I can't go to the doctor now. I may have medicare but if he prescribes a medicine, which is usually the case with my doctor, I could not afford to get it right now.
Fucking greed in all of the healthcare and pharma industries.
I have not seen my doctor since the summer of 2013. That may be a bad thing but that is how it is. Parts of my medicare don't mature until another few months.
I may be getting better but still feel awful. I mean, my body must be fighting back. If this is bacterial in origin, some of it has likely migrated to my prostate gland because it has been hurting more than normal recently.
I do want to talk about other things but a long as I am sick, this will be what I write about.
I had to get a big box of Puffs. My nose is clogged, slowly leaking high-grade mucous. That mucous, I have seen naughty films where a female gags herself on fellatio and spits up the same mucous. How in the world is that attractive? It feels good to receive it but not so watching it.
What is the point of this mucous? What is my body doing?
I have lost my voice, I try not to talk, it kind of hurts.
I don't like being sick. Doubt seriously anyone does but really, it's just awful.
I slept for 10 and a half hours. What is happening to me?
I don't like getting up at 5 pm but did on this Hate Sunday.
Feel the worse when I do wake up.
My digestive system seems not to be affected. I still get hungry and can eat. God forbid if I have another accident. I think that was because it was dia-icky and I didn't realize it. I did clean my MeUndies which aren't really supposed to be washed and dried in the fashion I usually do laundry. Heat blasting dryer, I mean, it costs quarters to keep it going. I set it to hot and set it for 30 minutes. 35 to 40 minutes for pants and towels. HAVE to be dry because of the long stretches between the time I can do laundry.
I hate being sick. I hope it fades before my benefit comes. It is embarrassing being sick in public. You feel like you shouldn't be out and about.
But really, that is in like a week away. I have been sick for going on 4 days already. If it goes on for that long, what damage is this doing to my body?
I can't go to the doctor now. I may have medicare but if he prescribes a medicine, which is usually the case with my doctor, I could not afford to get it right now.
Fucking greed in all of the healthcare and pharma industries.
I have not seen my doctor since the summer of 2013. That may be a bad thing but that is how it is. Parts of my medicare don't mature until another few months.
I may be getting better but still feel awful. I mean, my body must be fighting back. If this is bacterial in origin, some of it has likely migrated to my prostate gland because it has been hurting more than normal recently.
I do want to talk about other things but a long as I am sick, this will be what I write about.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Badly Sore
I hurt my hip falling through the floor. It is hard to walk and sit down. That nasty scratch's pain has intensified. I don't know what to do about it.
I am sorry if the change to my blog bothers you. I do post pictures of things that bother me. My male parts are one of those things.
The scratch picture will be taken over the course of healing. I have one from this afternoon but I will not post it.
I may have to go to the doctor. I will let y'all know if I do. This pain is nigh intolerable.
I feel awful. May have contracted a bacterial infection thanks to that scratch. Nasty floor that scratched me.
I don't know if I can maintain this stupid thing, fixing pipes. I never had to do that before in my whole life before being here.
You don't know how important water is until you don't have it. It is vital to bathing, cooking, drinking, vital to life. You would die without it.
It is just stupid. I may have harmed my prostate gland falling like I did. I hit the bottom of the floor hard on it.
There is no blood in my pee but I have been looking for that every time I pee for several years now. Found it once when I worked at wm. Not since though it feels like there should be.
I feel awful. I wish this hadn't happened.
I am sorry if the change to my blog bothers you. I do post pictures of things that bother me. My male parts are one of those things.
The scratch picture will be taken over the course of healing. I have one from this afternoon but I will not post it.
I may have to go to the doctor. I will let y'all know if I do. This pain is nigh intolerable.
I feel awful. May have contracted a bacterial infection thanks to that scratch. Nasty floor that scratched me.
I don't know if I can maintain this stupid thing, fixing pipes. I never had to do that before in my whole life before being here.
You don't know how important water is until you don't have it. It is vital to bathing, cooking, drinking, vital to life. You would die without it.
It is just stupid. I may have harmed my prostate gland falling like I did. I hit the bottom of the floor hard on it.
There is no blood in my pee but I have been looking for that every time I pee for several years now. Found it once when I worked at wm. Not since though it feels like there should be.
I feel awful. I wish this hadn't happened.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Allergies
You might think ill of my allergies? I mean, who is allergic to laundry detergent? But it isn't something silly. My skin rages. I have scratched until I started bleeding in some places.
This is not restricted to any one part of me. My abdomen is most affected, then my legs, then my male parts. Parts covered by clothing.
Add to this the dry skin typical of this time of year and the itching is damn-near intolerable. I can manage but for how long? Do I have to hurt my skin scratching as time goes by?
I cannot get a ride to the store to get more All Free-Clear and to the lavandería to rewash the Tide out of my clothes. This may be an overestimation of the problem but I won't feel it is all right until this is done.
I say it in Español because that is what is on the sign on the building in my hometown. I like saying that better anyway. I did take many years of Spanish in school and some of it bubbles up in the mental froth occasionally.
This itching is getting on my nerves. The rashes mar my pale skin. Dry skin is only making it worse.
Get this, last night, I normally use Old Spice Dry Skin Defense when it is bad. I couldn't, the hot water ran out and it was 40-ish in that bathroom. Ya! Cold! That hurt.
In the summertime when it is very hot, I like the cold, not in this time of the year at all.
My primary allergy, to mt. juniper, the most common tree in this area, is waffling because the pollen goes down and up depending on weather conditions. It is 33 degrees F as I write this on the highway bridge a little under two miles east here. Somehow, the government put a sensor there. You can see its antenna on the concrete railing.
It is the closest sensor to my house.
Curse this winter. Bring back the 80s! Years and temperature both!
This is not restricted to any one part of me. My abdomen is most affected, then my legs, then my male parts. Parts covered by clothing.
Add to this the dry skin typical of this time of year and the itching is damn-near intolerable. I can manage but for how long? Do I have to hurt my skin scratching as time goes by?
I cannot get a ride to the store to get more All Free-Clear and to the lavandería to rewash the Tide out of my clothes. This may be an overestimation of the problem but I won't feel it is all right until this is done.
I say it in Español because that is what is on the sign on the building in my hometown. I like saying that better anyway. I did take many years of Spanish in school and some of it bubbles up in the mental froth occasionally.
This itching is getting on my nerves. The rashes mar my pale skin. Dry skin is only making it worse.
Get this, last night, I normally use Old Spice Dry Skin Defense when it is bad. I couldn't, the hot water ran out and it was 40-ish in that bathroom. Ya! Cold! That hurt.
In the summertime when it is very hot, I like the cold, not in this time of the year at all.
My primary allergy, to mt. juniper, the most common tree in this area, is waffling because the pollen goes down and up depending on weather conditions. It is 33 degrees F as I write this on the highway bridge a little under two miles east here. Somehow, the government put a sensor there. You can see its antenna on the concrete railing.
It is the closest sensor to my house.
Curse this winter. Bring back the 80s! Years and temperature both!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Return of Dia-Icky
It has been a while. I mean, true, there has been a poor diet as someone dear is in the hospital and our normal way of doing things is in a disarray.
I think it has to do with milk. I don't know what else could have caused the worst sort of dia-icky there is.
I have a handful of days yet before I can go to the store. I can't go do my laundry, it is two weeks since I have done it and I am running out of socks. I HAVE to have socks, it's that important.
Lucky, this is the black part of my distorted laundry cycle so maybe, should I have an accident, it won't be so bad.
I am hurting because my gut clenched, whose muscle action squishes my prostate gland, upsetting it.
Maybe it is the sugar death but it hasn't really affected me like this before.
Nothing funny about it this time. That was bad, just plain awful.
I think it has to do with milk. I don't know what else could have caused the worst sort of dia-icky there is.
I have a handful of days yet before I can go to the store. I can't go do my laundry, it is two weeks since I have done it and I am running out of socks. I HAVE to have socks, it's that important.
Lucky, this is the black part of my distorted laundry cycle so maybe, should I have an accident, it won't be so bad.
I am hurting because my gut clenched, whose muscle action squishes my prostate gland, upsetting it.
Maybe it is the sugar death but it hasn't really affected me like this before.
Nothing funny about it this time. That was bad, just plain awful.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Anxiety Rage
I do not know if I still have dia-icky, I have not gone yet since it happened. This is not unusual for me.
When you call me names, insinuate things I am not, just dig and dig, this provokes anxiety. Powerful anxiety. Sweat, tremor, distress. I seem stronger in these times and feel extremely avoidant.
This anxiety is untreated. It is like a monster. Being calm keeps it at bay but how in the fuck can you stay calm when you are called names, etc.....?
It was anxiety like this that almost made me kill myself. It was why I left Wal-Mart all those years ago now.
I don't like being alone, anxiety goes into hyper-vigilance, however, if that is what it takes to end this dig and dig, I must do it.
How can I get help if I have no money? I would be a drain on whatever outfit helped me. Why would I do something like that? It's not right.
I pay about 10% of my monthly benefit for medicare. I have not used it, I don't know how. I need a medicare-supplemental insurance plan to help pay for this sticky mess that is medicare.
What good would it do? Would it cover the metascale trouble that my anxiety disorder is?
I get so upset. I can't write, I can't enjoy things. I just sit here and sulk like a little girl. I am 38 years old, I CANNOT accept being this way.
I wish I was really a ghost, they don't have these problems. Anxiety disorder may be caused by something in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains or any other gooey organs, for that matter.
Instead, I will remain here in my shell and not harm myself. The heat of August is doing that just fine by itself.
It was one of these times when I hurt myself in the past. Much time has passed since then.
I won't hurt myself and have to need my medicare to get help. I mean, I seriously thought of cutting off my male parts. That would be fatal. As nice as that sounds, I am not ready yet.
Oh, one more thing that upsets me to the core. Someone broke the screen of my LG Neon cell phone. I have to get a new one and I am stressing over which one to get. My # shouldn't change, it would be a lot of trouble if it did.
I am posting this picture of the crack if you are interested.
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When you call me names, insinuate things I am not, just dig and dig, this provokes anxiety. Powerful anxiety. Sweat, tremor, distress. I seem stronger in these times and feel extremely avoidant.
This anxiety is untreated. It is like a monster. Being calm keeps it at bay but how in the fuck can you stay calm when you are called names, etc.....?
It was anxiety like this that almost made me kill myself. It was why I left Wal-Mart all those years ago now.
I don't like being alone, anxiety goes into hyper-vigilance, however, if that is what it takes to end this dig and dig, I must do it.
How can I get help if I have no money? I would be a drain on whatever outfit helped me. Why would I do something like that? It's not right.
I pay about 10% of my monthly benefit for medicare. I have not used it, I don't know how. I need a medicare-supplemental insurance plan to help pay for this sticky mess that is medicare.
What good would it do? Would it cover the metascale trouble that my anxiety disorder is?
I get so upset. I can't write, I can't enjoy things. I just sit here and sulk like a little girl. I am 38 years old, I CANNOT accept being this way.
I wish I was really a ghost, they don't have these problems. Anxiety disorder may be caused by something in the brain. Ghosts don't have brains or any other gooey organs, for that matter.
Instead, I will remain here in my shell and not harm myself. The heat of August is doing that just fine by itself.
It was one of these times when I hurt myself in the past. Much time has passed since then.
I won't hurt myself and have to need my medicare to get help. I mean, I seriously thought of cutting off my male parts. That would be fatal. As nice as that sounds, I am not ready yet.
Oh, one more thing that upsets me to the core. Someone broke the screen of my LG Neon cell phone. I have to get a new one and I am stressing over which one to get. My # shouldn't change, it would be a lot of trouble if it did.
I am posting this picture of the crack if you are interested.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Shave Check... Hate It So
One of the things I hate most about being male, other than having male genitals, is shaving. Dragging a multi-bladed series of metal strips across what is sensitive skin seems barbaric. Yes, it hurts. It did not hurt so this time because I took my time and was careful.
I am starting to show my age, but then I am stressed. My inconsiderate and self-interested sister is to blame for this time.
I hope you like this, do I remain cute? I am almost 40, you know.
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I am starting to show my age, but then I am stressed. My inconsiderate and self-interested sister is to blame for this time.
I hope you like this, do I remain cute? I am almost 40, you know.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Upset
I deactivated my facebook account. I am sick of how people treat me. I get so angry and angry hurts so I do away with or avoid like I do with anxiety.
I don't know why people can be so hurtful. Indifferent, small minded, apathetic, downright stupid.
I don't know when I will be back on fb. You can keep up with me here. I am just upset.
I can see people from Tx are reading this. Won't you please comment and say something?
I don't know why people can be so hurtful. Indifferent, small minded, apathetic, downright stupid.
I don't know when I will be back on fb. You can keep up with me here. I am just upset.
I can see people from Tx are reading this. Won't you please comment and say something?
Friday, July 11, 2014
Unable to go to Class Reunion
Look at it this way. On a warm spring night 20 years ago at Badger Field, we received our diplomas. Mine was far from certain, I had a weak math score and graduation hinged on one test. I passed somehow and I got to go to the big dance.
If nothing, that experience taught me that perhaps I don't belong. I am intelligent in other things, astronomy, English, biology. I developed some of my interests after high school. I mean, I didn't know who Akhenaten was during high school. It is not like the school library had anything about that contentious time in Ancient Egypt. I worked in it at the circulation desk. I helped catalog most of the library as the computer system was new back then.
Computers. I did not have a personal computer until 2003. I had a WebTV before and was content with that until I learned the value of WordPerfect and writing on a pc.
I could have gotten one before then, but I did not like computers. I was afraid I wouldn't understand. But I learned. It was all good until Windows 8 came along but that debacle deserves another post.
Back to the subject here, that warm spring evening 20 years ago. I have not seen 99% of my classmates in person since that warm spring night.
I don't go outside. I have a hard time just going to the post office. Saturday is a bad day as it is in the middle of my laundry cycle and I wear WWE tees in this time, can't go to a societal function like that.
I have SOCIAL Anxiety Disorder. If I can't go see my friends since HS, especially those in K-town, how could I go see people who weren't my friends in school? My friends will not be there.
I do not have a medication as I stopped taking celexa some time ago. I could go see the doctor but that is also panic bait.
This class reunion is panic bait. I don't want panic. I feel bad enough dealing with the pain in my fingers and toes. I have been upset because of this anticipation.
I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't know. It is not intentional. If I was not mentally ill, I'd go in a second.
But that is now how things are.
There is also the admission cost. You have no way of knowing the trouble of last month, the running out of things. There is no reason I should run out of oj but I did for 11 days last month.
Add to this the fact that my debit card broke in half. It went through the wash and was destroyed. No telling when the bank will get off its collective posterior and send me a new one.
So, I have only what I have on hand. I will save it for oj when I run out, which is soon. I cannot maintain the future sugar death when things run out.
That, too, I have a bit of a belly. It is more apparent when I wear jeans, not so apparent when I naked. I tend to eat a lot when I have dinner so that can effect it. For most of the day, it is typical.
My belly does not belong on an otherwise slim body. I cannot go exercise to get rid of it. Anxiety says, 'nope'. I tried to go and couldn't.
I got some new music instead.
Nothing's really standing out, which upsets me some. Can't pick a winner all the time.
The location of the reunion. In a winery. Um, hello, I have written here on several occasions why I consider alcohol a wholly avoidable poison.
This winery is in an area I have not been in a very long time. That is panic bait, going somewhere unfamiliar.
Consider this, I had a metascale panic attack when I bought my laptop computer in a store I have been to 1000s of times last September.
What do you think would happen in a biz I ordinarily wouldn't patronize? I don't belong in places like that.
I don't go where I do not belong, that is panic bait.
I apologize to the organizer and the others. If you had been there 10 years ago when these problems manifested, then you probably could have helped.
Goodness knows I needed it.
If nothing, that experience taught me that perhaps I don't belong. I am intelligent in other things, astronomy, English, biology. I developed some of my interests after high school. I mean, I didn't know who Akhenaten was during high school. It is not like the school library had anything about that contentious time in Ancient Egypt. I worked in it at the circulation desk. I helped catalog most of the library as the computer system was new back then.
Computers. I did not have a personal computer until 2003. I had a WebTV before and was content with that until I learned the value of WordPerfect and writing on a pc.
I could have gotten one before then, but I did not like computers. I was afraid I wouldn't understand. But I learned. It was all good until Windows 8 came along but that debacle deserves another post.
Back to the subject here, that warm spring evening 20 years ago. I have not seen 99% of my classmates in person since that warm spring night.
I don't go outside. I have a hard time just going to the post office. Saturday is a bad day as it is in the middle of my laundry cycle and I wear WWE tees in this time, can't go to a societal function like that.
I have SOCIAL Anxiety Disorder. If I can't go see my friends since HS, especially those in K-town, how could I go see people who weren't my friends in school? My friends will not be there.
I do not have a medication as I stopped taking celexa some time ago. I could go see the doctor but that is also panic bait.
This class reunion is panic bait. I don't want panic. I feel bad enough dealing with the pain in my fingers and toes. I have been upset because of this anticipation.
I don't mean to upset anyone. I don't know. It is not intentional. If I was not mentally ill, I'd go in a second.
But that is now how things are.
There is also the admission cost. You have no way of knowing the trouble of last month, the running out of things. There is no reason I should run out of oj but I did for 11 days last month.
Add to this the fact that my debit card broke in half. It went through the wash and was destroyed. No telling when the bank will get off its collective posterior and send me a new one.
So, I have only what I have on hand. I will save it for oj when I run out, which is soon. I cannot maintain the future sugar death when things run out.
That, too, I have a bit of a belly. It is more apparent when I wear jeans, not so apparent when I naked. I tend to eat a lot when I have dinner so that can effect it. For most of the day, it is typical.
My belly does not belong on an otherwise slim body. I cannot go exercise to get rid of it. Anxiety says, 'nope'. I tried to go and couldn't.
I got some new music instead.
Nothing's really standing out, which upsets me some. Can't pick a winner all the time.
The location of the reunion. In a winery. Um, hello, I have written here on several occasions why I consider alcohol a wholly avoidable poison.
This winery is in an area I have not been in a very long time. That is panic bait, going somewhere unfamiliar.
Consider this, I had a metascale panic attack when I bought my laptop computer in a store I have been to 1000s of times last September.
What do you think would happen in a biz I ordinarily wouldn't patronize? I don't belong in places like that.
I don't go where I do not belong, that is panic bait.
I apologize to the organizer and the others. If you had been there 10 years ago when these problems manifested, then you probably could have helped.
Goodness knows I needed it.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Troubles
You might have noticed that I haven't posted an entry to my blog recently.
I have been feeling upset and one should not write when upset.
I cannot put into words why I am upset. It is anxiety, yes, but I always have anxiety. I have distressing dreams. I tend to have SF leach into my dreams and they can play like SF/Horror.
Then online here, the people posting pictures of their kids. That distresses me be because I do not have any of my own and don't need reminding of it.
Then there are insects. The warm season is here as is an increase of mosquitoes, flies and other things that bite and generally really irritate me to the max.
The radio plays green day ad nauseam. Why do I hate them so? It isn't as simple as hating the songs and the guy singing them, it is because of Jen, that is her favorite thing in the world. I don't need reminding of that.
I had a urinary accident a few minutes ago. This happens sometimes because of the p-gland, I don't need to go into detail.
Amazon was slow in shipping a package. I might get it a week after I ordered it. Then in a message, they totally fucked up and confused two packages. Idiots. I will find a better store to do biz with.
I just am upset. I am trying not to harm myself in the upset part of my cycle.
I have been feeling upset and one should not write when upset.
I cannot put into words why I am upset. It is anxiety, yes, but I always have anxiety. I have distressing dreams. I tend to have SF leach into my dreams and they can play like SF/Horror.
Then online here, the people posting pictures of their kids. That distresses me be because I do not have any of my own and don't need reminding of it.
Then there are insects. The warm season is here as is an increase of mosquitoes, flies and other things that bite and generally really irritate me to the max.
The radio plays green day ad nauseam. Why do I hate them so? It isn't as simple as hating the songs and the guy singing them, it is because of Jen, that is her favorite thing in the world. I don't need reminding of that.
I had a urinary accident a few minutes ago. This happens sometimes because of the p-gland, I don't need to go into detail.
Amazon was slow in shipping a package. I might get it a week after I ordered it. Then in a message, they totally fucked up and confused two packages. Idiots. I will find a better store to do biz with.
I just am upset. I am trying not to harm myself in the upset part of my cycle.
Monday, March 3, 2014
F*ck This Cold
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I am freezing my tail off. Only yesterday (Saturday as I sleep in the daytime) it was 72 F.
What is causing this? I feel bad for people up north having to deal with colder temperatures but the fact is, they are used to it. We native Texans are not.
I hate cold weather. My feet are frozen, I cannot feel my toes. I stay by the heater, drying out my skin. It is not good.
I talked about the turning off the water heater thing before. I cannot wash like normal. I no longer have dia-icky but I do need to clean up.
I feel miserable. I pee often because I have a fast liquid metabolism. Going into that cold bathroom, it is no fin, and exposing the most sensitive appendage I have to the cold. Cold.
I suppose in the very distant future, as the Universe expands into oblivion. Cold will be the only thing. Just cold everywhere.
But that is a long time from now, no humans will be around to read this. If, indeed, if the web is eternal.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Upset
There are parts of my life I don't usually talk about. One of these is a big one. I never talk about defecation.
We all do it. It is the result of having a digestion system.
My body is peculiar in a way. I can be constipated for 3 or 4 days and then it comes all at once. This could be that I have a bad diet or stress or the medication I take to manage my anxiety feathers.
To clean up. I never was any good with toilet tissue. I likely never learned right or forgot if I did. For a long time, I started using water to clean up. Spraying my anal area in the bathtub and get clean that way.
Obviously this happens near shower time, I try to keep regularity at that time. Sometimes it is not possible and I have wet wipes and so forth to clean up. I wear relatively expensive underwear so I keep it clean.
Why am I talking about this unpleasant subject?
Well, I have to go. But I can't because the water heater here is turned off. It has been 30 degrees F for like 22 hours. It likely will be so until the sun rises tomorrow.
The theory behind turning the water heater off is because the water must drip to protect the old pvc pipes under the house. I have already had to fix one as chronicled earlier in this blog.
Dripping the hot water line will 'raise the electric bill' if the water heater is not turned off so it is. This idiocy has to be respected to keep the peace.
So I cannot take a shower let alone go to the bathroom. Not to mention that it is very cold in that bathroom.
I am sorry if this bothers you. I mean, it shouldn't. We all have to go sometime.
I am seriously stressed by this intrusion into my life's simple routines.
We all do it. It is the result of having a digestion system.
My body is peculiar in a way. I can be constipated for 3 or 4 days and then it comes all at once. This could be that I have a bad diet or stress or the medication I take to manage my anxiety feathers.
To clean up. I never was any good with toilet tissue. I likely never learned right or forgot if I did. For a long time, I started using water to clean up. Spraying my anal area in the bathtub and get clean that way.
Obviously this happens near shower time, I try to keep regularity at that time. Sometimes it is not possible and I have wet wipes and so forth to clean up. I wear relatively expensive underwear so I keep it clean.
Why am I talking about this unpleasant subject?
Well, I have to go. But I can't because the water heater here is turned off. It has been 30 degrees F for like 22 hours. It likely will be so until the sun rises tomorrow.
The theory behind turning the water heater off is because the water must drip to protect the old pvc pipes under the house. I have already had to fix one as chronicled earlier in this blog.
Dripping the hot water line will 'raise the electric bill' if the water heater is not turned off so it is. This idiocy has to be respected to keep the peace.
So I cannot take a shower let alone go to the bathroom. Not to mention that it is very cold in that bathroom.
I am sorry if this bothers you. I mean, it shouldn't. We all have to go sometime.
I am seriously stressed by this intrusion into my life's simple routines.
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Injured Left Arm
I had to work on the pipe again today. I had to buy a saw to cut and added 2 couplings. That pvc glue, I hate it.
I badly hurt my left arm doing this. Reaching through a tangle of pipes to reach the relevant one (hot water delivery) I badly scratched my left arm.
In addition, I hurt my left hand with a saw yesterday, then abrasion developed on the thumb knuckle. Add to this, when cutting open a package of meat to defrost for dinner, the scissors slipped and all but stabbed my left index finger. There was a lot of blood but I have cleaned my hands since then and washed it away.
I hate doing things like this and likely developed new scars. I don't know if I'll have to do this again but it is really upsetting me. Badly.
I badly hurt my left arm doing this. Reaching through a tangle of pipes to reach the relevant one (hot water delivery) I badly scratched my left arm.
In addition, I hurt my left hand with a saw yesterday, then abrasion developed on the thumb knuckle. Add to this, when cutting open a package of meat to defrost for dinner, the scissors slipped and all but stabbed my left index finger. There was a lot of blood but I have cleaned my hands since then and washed it away.
I hate doing things like this and likely developed new scars. I don't know if I'll have to do this again but it is really upsetting me. Badly.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Water Fail
The attempt to fix the water failed. A toilet line near the outside wall froze and burst in the 17 degree chill of the past 2 nights. The bitter cold is over with for now.
The water here is turned off. I can't take a shower and haven't bathed in 36 hours.
I am miserable. I have hated being dirty since I was a small child. This has never changed.
I hope to get this fixed soon.
What was this Polar Vortex? Why did it happen? What the fuck is going on?
There is no reason to be 17 degrees here in Tx, well at least, the part of it in which I live.
I don't even bother to check the weather recently. It just depresses me.
The water here is turned off. I can't take a shower and haven't bathed in 36 hours.
I am miserable. I have hated being dirty since I was a small child. This has never changed.
I hope to get this fixed soon.
What was this Polar Vortex? Why did it happen? What the fuck is going on?
There is no reason to be 17 degrees here in Tx, well at least, the part of it in which I live.
I don't even bother to check the weather recently. It just depresses me.
Friday, December 13, 2013
Taking out the Garbage
I have to take out the garbage occasionally. I hate it so. It is usually heavy and I have to walk over 100 yards down a hill to get to the dumpster.
I am a sedentary person. I don't exercise like I should, though I suspect the diabetes doctor I will see next Wednesday will tell me to do so or else suffer worse.
Using muscles I don't ordinarily use anymore, I become tired and sore. I must become more active.
I shouldn't weigh 158 lbs. But I do.
When I was taking the garbage out, I had my mp3 player on. 'Metal Gods' by Judas Priest played. YES! Excellent song for what I was doing. Just because I like electronica music best does not mean I don't like the metal from when I was a kid or even some new metal.
Do you have an occasional ordeal like this? Do you listen to music when you do? I mean, a lot of people don't live over 100+ yards from the trash receptacle.
I suspect when I am older, I will be on my own finally and won't generate so much garbage. Since I order stuff instead of going to the store because of my anxiety disorder, boxes tend to build up. I hate that. I dealt with enough cardboard in my years as a grocery stocker.
Arthelius the Ghost is back from his trip to the Great Attractor. He says, 'Gravity is a bitch.'
No kidding, dude.
I am a sedentary person. I don't exercise like I should, though I suspect the diabetes doctor I will see next Wednesday will tell me to do so or else suffer worse.
Using muscles I don't ordinarily use anymore, I become tired and sore. I must become more active.
I shouldn't weigh 158 lbs. But I do.
When I was taking the garbage out, I had my mp3 player on. 'Metal Gods' by Judas Priest played. YES! Excellent song for what I was doing. Just because I like electronica music best does not mean I don't like the metal from when I was a kid or even some new metal.
Do you have an occasional ordeal like this? Do you listen to music when you do? I mean, a lot of people don't live over 100+ yards from the trash receptacle.
I suspect when I am older, I will be on my own finally and won't generate so much garbage. Since I order stuff instead of going to the store because of my anxiety disorder, boxes tend to build up. I hate that. I dealt with enough cardboard in my years as a grocery stocker.
Arthelius the Ghost is back from his trip to the Great Attractor. He says, 'Gravity is a bitch.'
No kidding, dude.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Think So?
What are you people looking for in this blog?
I write about the sad process that is my life. Are you that interested? Why not be my friend?
I can hold forth on many topics, I am going to speak about GMO foods some time. Not today, I had a panic attack earlier and I don't feel like talking that much.
I write about the sad process that is my life. Are you that interested? Why not be my friend?
I can hold forth on many topics, I am going to speak about GMO foods some time. Not today, I had a panic attack earlier and I don't feel like talking that much.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Anyone?
Who reads what I post? Why? People from foreign countries read this. Do you speak English? What do you see here?
I kinda find it insulting when people read something and do not comment. What is the resistance? Are you afraid?
I write about how the cold hurts. It's not cold at the moment in here.
I write about my male pain, yes, it's there. It's always there.
I write about the weather, it fascinates me.
I write about things that interest me.
I don't really care for writing a post like this but please, if you will, comment and say 'hi' or something.
Arthelius is not back from his trip to the Great Attractor. Takes a while to travel 20 million light-years, you know.
I kinda find it insulting when people read something and do not comment. What is the resistance? Are you afraid?
I write about how the cold hurts. It's not cold at the moment in here.
I write about my male pain, yes, it's there. It's always there.
I write about the weather, it fascinates me.
I write about things that interest me.
I don't really care for writing a post like this but please, if you will, comment and say 'hi' or something.
Arthelius is not back from his trip to the Great Attractor. Takes a while to travel 20 million light-years, you know.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Accursed Cold
If you read this blog, and some do, I know, you know that I HATE cold weather. It hurts. My hands and feet go numb in the cold, ice cold.
An unnatural cold airmass seems to have parked itself over our beloved Tx. I mean, 35 in the daytime? I can't remember when this happened in the past few winters and the thing is, it is not even winter yet! Not for a little under a month!
Ice storm gripping West Tx as I write this. It will be here later. I don't go anywhere so it is a non-issue, well, travel wise. It will be so cold.
Haven't seen the Sun in a few days. Get more upset on a primal level the longer sunlight is not felt, even on a pale hide like mine.
I don't know when this unnatural coldness will end. Maybe it will be 80 again soon, I sincerely hope.
I remember when I was a kid, it was like 5 degrees outside. I haven't really seen that since. I hope I never do.
An unnatural cold airmass seems to have parked itself over our beloved Tx. I mean, 35 in the daytime? I can't remember when this happened in the past few winters and the thing is, it is not even winter yet! Not for a little under a month!
Ice storm gripping West Tx as I write this. It will be here later. I don't go anywhere so it is a non-issue, well, travel wise. It will be so cold.
Haven't seen the Sun in a few days. Get more upset on a primal level the longer sunlight is not felt, even on a pale hide like mine.
I don't know when this unnatural coldness will end. Maybe it will be 80 again soon, I sincerely hope.
I remember when I was a kid, it was like 5 degrees outside. I haven't really seen that since. I hope I never do.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Verizon Greed
I use a Verizon modem to connect to the 'net. This is because I live in a semi-rural area near a cell tower.
For the past few months, I've gone way over my plan. Right now, I am looking at a $140 bill for August. I can pay this but it irks me that it costs so much in the first place.
Didn't someone in Congress say that the internet should be a basic right? My 5 GB allowance is $50 and is not enough if I want to watch a movie.
My laptop is brand new. It needed like 200 updates from, Windows Update and that added to it. I also watched some movies, downloaded a lot of music I bought. 5 GB is just not enough.
So I will change to the $80 10 GB plan, when this overplagued bill ends in the first week of September.
Why does it cost so much? This is just greed. Every corporation is greedy to some point. I saw it in wm, greed dictated store policy. I despise greed. I only want to do my thing and have a shell to retreat into as my anxiety uncoils and strikes like a cobra.
I don't know. Many things I liked about the internet have gone away. I miss my WebTV. That's going away as well.
Change? No, it's more like entropy, a breakdown. I hate change.
For the past few months, I've gone way over my plan. Right now, I am looking at a $140 bill for August. I can pay this but it irks me that it costs so much in the first place.
Didn't someone in Congress say that the internet should be a basic right? My 5 GB allowance is $50 and is not enough if I want to watch a movie.
My laptop is brand new. It needed like 200 updates from, Windows Update and that added to it. I also watched some movies, downloaded a lot of music I bought. 5 GB is just not enough.
So I will change to the $80 10 GB plan, when this overplagued bill ends in the first week of September.
Why does it cost so much? This is just greed. Every corporation is greedy to some point. I saw it in wm, greed dictated store policy. I despise greed. I only want to do my thing and have a shell to retreat into as my anxiety uncoils and strikes like a cobra.
I don't know. Many things I liked about the internet have gone away. I miss my WebTV. That's going away as well.
Change? No, it's more like entropy, a breakdown. I hate change.