Worse?

How sick am I? It seems to be worse than first thought. First, this started as an allergy thing, watery eyes, sneezing and a fever.

But yesterday, I started coughing, a lot. When I woke up today, my throat rages and I have lost my voice. I can talk but not very well. It is unpleasant to talk because it makes me cough.

I don't seem to be coughing up a lot of anything. I feel a strange tickle in my throat like you feel when you cough.

I still had a fever but I have Tylenol which has let it subside for now.

I am hungry but my throat.... I only ate a chicken sandwich, maybe I shouldn't have but damn it, I am hungry.

I get so thirsty. Maybe I shouldn't be drinking tea but I am.

Coughing is painful now. It hurts my throat and makes my head pulse. This is a sinus thing or what?

I don't have the money to see the doctor yet. This would happen in the last week... fucking months with five weeks in them. They are always the worst.

My phone's minutes run out two days before I get paid. That's a 30-day thing, an illustration about the bad part of a monthly payment.

I do not know if I will still be sick when I get paid. I hope to God not. I will go to the doctor if so but assuming I am getting worse, will I make it?

I don't remember when I was last sick like this. I was, I worked at wm then. I self-medicated which I cannot do because I have no money.

It's a vicious circle.

My nose, raw from wiping and being near the heater, seems to choose this moment to peel. I will scrub it with Proactiv before I shave. I don't know if you look at my nose in my shave check picture. Why should you? Noses seem to be an obscene thing to me.

Burping. Been doing that a lot. I don't know what is up with that.

I shouldn't have gotten sick. What the fuck? I am all but a shut-in. I don't leave this place more than three times a month or when I have to do my laundry.

Could I have gotten sick there? I don't think so. I avoid getting close to people, my agoraphobia avoidance.

I don't know how I got sick but until my throat subsides, the mucous river cuts back, and my voice returns, I will be sick.

Hate it so.

18 Degrees

It is my bedtime, yes, I sleep in the daytime roughly corresponding with the hours of a school day. This has to do with light, really, I won't go into why I won't sleep in a dark room.

It is 18 degrees F outside. That's -8 C and it feels it. I am so cold, not so badly because I am right by the heater but if I have to pee, something I do with great frequency, that bathroom is so cold.

My allergies are making me feel miserable. I am badly allergic to what is known as mountain juniper here, by far the most common tree in this area.

They pollinate when it is subfreezing and it's going strong right now.

I have lots of blankets for this reason. My body does NOT like cold. My feet especially. They get so cold, I wonder if they have stopped working but I can walk and stand fine. My toes tingle though.

Not so long ago, it was 80 outside. A  strong appealing temperature.

I am wearing the best sweatshirt I ever bought, a Wilson one I got 15 years ago. It is heavy and warm and that is what is needed here. I color matched it, lol, same color as my gray heather sweat pants.

It is going to stay cold for the foreseeable future. A miserable time.

Never never will I curse it when it is 99 degrees outside. I like just wearing my underwear and a T-shirt. Definitely not today.

I will go now and hopefully not be cold on my uncomfortable bed.

Awaiting True Cold

I have written much about how cold weather is unpleasant and hurts. However, this year, we are waiting for it because of a scourge.

No one knows why the ants are so bad here. They are everywhere. I must have been bitten six times today, red spots on my pasty skin.

This not only itches and hurts, it blemishes my skin. Can't poison them, the cats and such, you know.

I don't know. It makes me so upset. Years here and now this starts happening? I was bitten on the left foot as I took a shower.

Not wearing my glasses in the shower, of course, I cannot see my feet, they are five feet from my eyes.

I hate this. This was supposed to be a good summer but now that it is over, nothing got done. Fucking anxiety disorder, keeps me from doing anything.

My cousin is on my case because I won't go get help. For a while, we didn't have a vehicle here. Then it is the food situation. Someone dear in the hospital just screwed everything up severely.

I don't know how I deal. I avoid if I can.

It will be harsh, the cold, yes, but it will do away with these fucking ants.

Name a place on me and I have been bitten there over this whole summer.

What does this do to our health? I have no idea. Other than upsetting us.

My desk thermometer says 90 right now. Outside it's 75 with extreme humidity.

It is not 90 degrees in here, I think because it is in a sheltered area, it is not as reactive as it should be.

I remember when it said 47. I can't believe I am looking forward to that again.

Rather Cold

Well, here it is, more bitching about the cold.

Tell me, what is wrong with this?




I mean, the 'normal' is over 15 degrees warmer than this for this date.

This is a snap of my WeatherBug, which I have used for years and keep a close eye on often.

The cold keeps the ice that fell frozen on the ground, slippery, dangerous. It has all but paralyzed North Texas. It's not that bad here, it is just fucking cold.

Cold hurts. My feet go numb, my prostate seems to lock up, making it hard to pee. Although that could be caused by the stress caused by this unnatural chill.

I am agoraphobic, I don't go outside unless I have to and that often isn't for more than a few moments. I can go to the store but only to familiar places.

I stay by the heater and dry my skin out. Err, itchy. And all parts of me get dry. I am not ashamed to use Dove soap. I use the sensitive kind as I am allergic to some soaps, particularly laundry detergents (Tide, especially)

I have warm clothes to wear. It is okay. Maintaining water drip here to protect the water pipes. I went to take my bath last night and the hot water was frozen up.

Standing naked in the tub, shivering in a cold bathroom, it was not fun. The water did flow after a few moments, after all, it is hot. It seems to get hotter when it is cold. I don't know what is up with that.

The last time it was this cold, I worked in the wm garden center. Going out to help process a Christmas tree, to which I am seriously allergic. Although, that was in the high 30s, not this low 20s bs. That is -4 C, you know.

It should warm enough tomorrow to melt this accursed ice and maybe no one will slip and bust their tail. That hurts, I know.

Hopefully this winter malaise is a fluke and the jet stream will shift and deflect it from the south. You ever notice, few weather people show the jet stream anymore. How do you think storms and fronts progress across the continent?

I would have been a weatherman had I not have the inability to do math. That has affected me a lot of times. It's sad.

If the ice is there in the morning, I will take a picture of it and post it here. I hope it is not.

I miss the sunshine.

Imminent Cold Hell

It's coming. Well, it's 75 F outside at the moment, fine day tomorrow and then the bottom falls out. You can bet your sweet tail I am getting a heater when I go to the store later.

Suffer Cold

I could bitch about the cold in my blog like I have been doing but really, I suffer in it.

There is no heat in my room. It pretty much flows with the temperature, though thankfully, doesn't get lower than the low 50's.

It is 30 degrees outside as I write this, radiational cooling through the clear sky into outer space. I reckon the stars are beautiful but I am not going to freeze my tail off by going out there.

It should warm up in the next few days, until la arctica sends another frigid package our way, which is looking likely in the long range forecast.

What is causing this? Seasonal procession? The Sun? Gaseous emissions from industry, cars, cows and people? I do not know.

I am also feeling kinda lonely, the holidays do that, you know.

That is why I hate them so.

Anxiety at the Store

I drink OJ every day. It is like a health thing. I am prone to being sick but haven't been in over a year. I didn't go anywhere to catch something.

So, I went to the store to get that and some other things. The new store in a neighboring town is huge, can't find anything in it. I went looking for the forzen pizzas and could not find them right away. When I did find them, I opened the case door and picked one, pepperoni, my favorite kind of pizza. When I picked it up, five more spilled out onto the floor. Two girls were walking by and made a snide remark, bitches. I picked up the spilled pizzas and put them back.

Then I go to check out and they were looking at me funny? Is it my new glasses or what? I don't have any facial blemishes at the moment and I did wash my hair before leaving.

Damn it.

The big store did not have any cooking like I was asked to get so I went to the wm not far from it. I am very familiar with that wm, having shopped in it for over 10 years. That anxiety wound up again when I was walking.

Understand something. I am 5 feet 5 inches tall. I weigh around 153 lbs. I could lose some weight but I am not fat. The rest of me is fit. Just my belly.

I am not a big guy by any measure. I feel self-conscious, like a Hobbit amongst regular sized people. Sure, there are a lot of girls my size but I am not a girl. I am not comfortable in any wm to begin with. I served my time in one of the busiest of all wm's. I have not been back in 3 years. Never again.

Is it my jeans? I wore a dark blue shirt left over from my wm wear. Yes, that shirt is 4 years old but it's in good shape. What is it that makes people look at me?

I couldn't breathe ordering tea at the chicken place. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't talk for a moment. Too long without something to drink. That happens too often.

I will just give up going somewhere by myself. I just can't do it. Anxiety is would too tightly around my soul.

If you are so inclined, show some love. I could use some.

Horrible

I may seem like I complain a lot. I don't. I am a patient and understanding guy.

However, I HATE wrking in Grocery anymore. The work is thankless, crowded by customers, with people who are a clique unto themselves.

No thank you, I am not part of your team anymore. It says Sales Associate on my badge. The schedule calls me a Dept. 16 Sales Clerk. I am that. Department 6 is the GC, which has its own flaws but they are trivial compared to Grocery.

I am 'helping' a lost cause. I mean, what do we do all day but put stuff out that didn't go out the days before? In other stores, this is done on specific days by the regular stock crew. However, the store I work in is so freaking big and busy, it needs constant replenishment.

Sometimes, the replenishment can't keep up with demand. This leads to disappointing a customer, which wm claims it never does. That is BS and we all know it.

I did not ask to be put back in Grocery. I am mad at myself for accepting it.

I keep my head down and work at what I do well, stocking. I go see Jen when it gets tough because a girlfriend's love is a powerful pick-me-up.

I am sad because I am in a task that I did not want or ask for.

Only monday to go. It is my friday and usually is the worst day because of kiritchiny managers. KMA.

This upset tickles my anxiety. My anxiety causes uncomfortble tension. Tension that squeezes on my already injured prostate.

And people wonder why I'm uncomfortable.

I envy Arthelius. He does what he likes and no one makes him do anything,

Heat

It isn't summer yet. But...

Grrrrr!!!! I just want to yell. I am a native Texan. I have been through summers that would kill any Northerner. Why is this one not yet begun already foisting its unpleasantries our way?

It could be the Doxycycline I take for a now gone Prostatic infection. I have other pains down there but I will tell the doc, no more antibiotics. If bacteria like me so, then let them have their way. It ain't like I use my genitals for anything other than peeing anyway. I could do that without a penis. Girls do all the time.

This is why Jen's refusal to even think about sex hurts me so. I never really valued my peeny much. It is only because I was cursed with the Y-Chromosome that I have one. If she won't value it, then why have it? I have failed as a male. There is no alternative. I will never betray my gender. I like being a boy for other reasons.

Today, I sweated like water was evactuating my body by pores. It was, so was sodium. I do not know if I can restore it because I don't eat a lot of salt. And the sports drink I prefer, Powerade fruit punch, isn't always easy to find. That is the story of my life. Disappointment.

My time at wm has been one huge ongoing one.

I actually don't like being negative. Not at all.

I am Arthelius the Ghost at the end of the day. I guess that is all that really matters. I feel like a ghost most of the time.

Burn

You see my picture on this blog. I am a pasty white guy. I have many freckles and I do not get much darker than say, vanilla pudding. I don't like that. I like uniformity in my pastiness. I mean, why should my arms, neck and head be a different shade than the rest of my still pasty body?

I received a severe sunburn on my nose over the course of two intolerably extreme UV+humidity days. It was like 95 degrees today, yeah, but the heat index was like 40 C.

40C is roughly 105F. It is my term for summertime here in the central lands of Tx. It has always been hot but not always ragingly humid. I burn so easy. People chide me about not wearing a hat. I am loathe to wear hats. I don't feel comfortable in them.

I have ordered one. Who knows when it will come? I was an idiot and sent it to the wrong address. I hope it isn't too late.

I am sick of that f-king store. Nothing but bad things have happend to me since I started there 2 years ago. I am coming to regret meeting Jen. I never wanted a girl that loved her brother and sister and Green Day more than she will ever love me.

Burn, UV-A and UV-B. The Sun is a star. Not the smallest by far and by even further not the biggest. It isn't just right. It is ever changing and intense. Doesn't make since that right now, the Earth is further from the Sun than it is the rest of the year thanks to its elliptical orbit.

I miss my overnight schedule. I could write more and enjoy myself. I have not stayed up overnight since I started at wm.

Even if no one cares, I write this. My goal in life is to understand. But also, it is good to be understood. At least. I think so.

Bad Day Off, Then a Good One

Yesterday, the power was off. I mean, total gloom and discomfort here. No tv, no computer, no fan, no a/c. Gosh, we couldn't even cook anything.

I lay on my bed staring at the ceiling most of the day. I was listening to my radio that was powered by the batteries from my MSNTV2 keyboard. It was so lame.

I will forget that day because it was despairing and uncomfortable.

Oh, three more days until I go to the Garden Center. The anxiety is rising.

I got the new Madonna cd. Ay ya! So what if I like her so? I always have since I was a small kid in the early 80's. It would be even cooler if Timbaland stayed on his own records and Justin T. went off to be the no-talent cretin he is.

Today was nice. the power came back on and things were happening once again.

I slept badly last night. I am so sleepy now so I'm closing this post out.

Check out 'Give It 2 Me' by Madonna. It's wicked cool.