About Childlessness

I do not have children. I have only had sex with two different females and neither were fit, one was way older than me, the other was early 20's, not a time for such consequences.

I never intended to be childless. I always thought, maybe, I could have one, just one. But I developed prostatitis and sex is so hard for me.

That is not the reason I cannot go find a female willing to mate with me.

It is my anxiety. In full panic mode, I cannot even be ready for the occasion. Besides that, I am aware of the consequences. I don't have the money or structure to raise a child.

I don't think I could deal with the stress. I know I can't because kids get on my nerves as it is.

I don't know. Theoretically, through my 40s, assuming my prostate doesn't implode, I can find a female willing to mate with me.

Funny way to put it but I don't think it will ever happen. The same loneliness that anxiety causes also makes me childless.

My child more than likely would have blue eyes and red hair. Traits I had when I was a kid. Would they have anxiety problems too? Is this genetic?

I ask this because a 1st cousin of mine has the same problems I do. I wish I could be like her and get help. She knows where to get it, I do not.

Naughty Me

I drove like 85 mph in fog. Genius? Naw, it's like everything else about that area, too fast and too stupid.

I will admit that I like porn. I love lesbian porn. I like simple sex, not hurting the female or dirty talking. I don't understand anal sex, that I could not do it but others apparently can.

A female who can project fluid from her nether area, now that will excite my thing, even when it hurts.

I usually don't like Playboy. I like Club mainly, but the Playboy TV Channel rules. It is not like Ten or Spice, or eww, Hustler TV. It doesn't show male climax or the sometimes brutalty of hardcore porn.

Sex can be 2 things. Simple biology, an impression I get when I am with a female, or genuine trust and love. It is always trust. The female has a heavier investment being that it is a usually thick slab of hydraulic flesh and cartilage being put in her body.

No matter what you think of your penis, it is NOT SPECIAL. You were spared the vaguest chance of even having one, if your Y-Chromosome did not kick in in the first weeks of gestation.

I will admit that I do the m-thing. It helps clear an angry prostate. I do not like seminal fuid. It is sticky and smells funny. I have made more than my share of it in the time my body started making it, long ago, about 1990.

I don't get any on me, and Germ-X my hands after.

Why do I share this aspect of my broken sexuality? It is one part of human life. We are bound by nature to share in the progression of our species. Why else do you think a pleasurable orgasm evolved? To make us have children.

I feel like my chance to have children is diminishing. I do not know if I can perform in a sexual act now. When it hurts, it is always inhibitive.

I do so dearly wish one female trusted me to try and see if it still works. It is not an easy thing to ask. The longer I go without it, maybe I wasn't cut out to male after all. Why did it take 33 years to realize that?

Arthelius. who never had trouble in that department, witholds comment.

Stress Lessening

Understand this: Our schedules have been retsored to normal. There isn't a reason to stess now other than one.

I take Hytrin, Terazosin for you science nerds, which is supposed to relax urinary discomfort, and does. Perhaps too much since I do not feel the need to go until it is totally full.

I am beginning to notice that I feel as horny as I did when I was a teenager. This has not been true for the last 10 or so years, as my sex need is usually regulated by the m-thing. The Tersozin must be causing the build up of the reproductive system. The average m-thing now feels lesser than exciting , more like a manual reaction.

I need sex, that is more crushing every day. I just can't go to a willing female friend or whore because I have my own Christian beliefs that tie me to my frigid girlfriend. I want to marry her and I do not want to spoil it.

People say this is my own fault but how can it be just by being a good boy?

It is harder to be good. That much is true.

Arthelius knew that the moment he became a ghost.

Tormential

I don't know why but bad things keep happening. now my new pc monitor has failed. I am yet again using this laptop I do not like that much. WTF bother? I spent $70 I could not afford to get a new power supply for my pc. It works now but doesn't mean f*ck-all if it doesn't have a monitor.

I can't access my stories, or play Spore, or any of the other things not in the laptop. Its feeble memory would not hold all of them.

I should not curse it, it is how I can go on the web and do other things, like the porn I watch on my computers. I have several DVD's usually starring Asian girls or Chloe Jones, who is disturbing to me because she is dead now.

I watch it only to make the m-thing easier. The point of the m-thing is to get done ASAP. I am usually very tired at night when I do it.

What else is this? I am being whored around different departments of the wm I work in, doing things not in my job description. I spent many months and did some dumb things to learn the GC, why am I usually pulled from it when nobody else is?

My celexa-clone is not working right. I am feeling anxiety again when I shouldn't and its dark side is emerging, the suicidal risk of SSRI's.

Lack of sex is hurting me more than ever. I am growing to believe that waiting for Jen is a terrible mistake. I might be waiting until the next ice age.

I don't know how I do it. There is a mucus party in my chest, throat and nose. It won't go away.

My dry skin is killing me.

Grrrrr! Why couldn't I trade places with Arthelius? At least he gets respect if only because he can kick ass with the Force. I can do nothing of the kind. Why does this happen?

I did not start this blog to complain. However, it evolved into that way and I can only apologize. Stupid, me.

Unable to .... No M-thing :(

Unlike Arthelius the Ghost, my net counterpart, I have a penis connected by a troubled urethra to a much troubled prostate gland and a bladder that wishes it was in someone else.

I don't usually talk about my peeny. It isn't something that I like to talk about. It isn't that I don't like it. I love mine. It has never failed me and has amused me for most of my life. Certain things are interesting. Its shape, its circumcision scar, and its general pinkness.

The only woman with whom I had sex considered it a beautiful thing and was muchly satisfied with it. I valued her opinion and feel confident that I could satisfy all but the loosest women.

However.... my peeny is troubled.

It is NOT sick in any way. It is a bystander to the real action, an angry prostate. My prostate throbs, my urethra, which passes through it like a train tunnel in a mountain, burns with ????

It hurts when I pee. It hurts when I sit down. It hurts when I bend over. It hurts when I stretch, twist, or carry something heavy. It hurts right now just writing this.

I have held off doing the m-thing because it alwys hurts really bad afterwards, especially in the morning after. And when the pain is the worst, it tends to leak urine, which you know, might be embarrassing, but crap! I love my underwear. I wear color coordinated underwear that I look good in. (Black when I go to work, white on my day off or gray, depends on the shirt I'm wearing).

While it may never happen, if someone robs me and Jen or our store and makes us strip to our underwear, I will not be the worst looking guy.

I don't actually like peeing. It has been annoyance since I tend to pee a lot when properly hydrated, which I have been intentionally avoiding to my detriment. Dr. L really hates that.

My prostate is angry because? No one really knows. It may just be pissed off that I'm not getting any.

I do the m-thing to purge hormones that distort my thinking into thinking about sex, but also because I believe it is healthy.

Now when I try, my peeny functions as designed but prostate says, 'I don't think so.... chump'.

It intensifies in pain and sends burning pain down my urtethra, making it feel like I am wetting myself when I am not.

My peeny does not stay in its rigid state long if I am hurting. It senses, I guess, that the plumbing isn't working right. It is dry anyway. I have severe dry skin and the 11% humidity today was not exactly helping.

I'm sorry, peeny, I never intended to develop an angry and painful prostate.

I am growing frustrated with this whole thing. I will order a new Vivid movie now and try again.

If Jen would open up just once and showed me her exquisite beauty unclothed, then maybe it wouldn't be so hard, you know?

Somewhere, in the depths of the Force, Arthelius is laughing at me, the douchebag.

Grr.....Sex

I have a frigid girlfriend. She wont even consider sex until we are married and that is not possible at the moment because we have no money. I have been her boyfriend for more than a year. I have waited for so long but I cannot wait anymore.

I am producing more than the average amount of seminal fluid with each time I do the m-thing. This is because I am stimulated by her.

I have bought more naughty movies. I need more stimulation.

This isnt enough!

I need to be with a female. If it is not Jen, then so be it.

I have trouble with betraying her but she doesn't have to know.

I do not want trouble with 2 females but it is likely Jen and I will never have a sexual aspect to our relationship.

Until that happens, I do the m-thing. *sigh*

Shock

Ever increasingly, I am frustrated with my frigid gf. Do you know that I have not even seen her belly button in the 14 months we have been a 'couple'?

She tells me that it is wroing to want sex from her. WTF??? It isn't a WANT, it is a NEED.

I trust her enough to undertake this most intimate of things. She does not understand this. She says it is 'against her religion'. What a freakin hypocrite. She does little else to demonstrate her Catholicism.

If anything, she will be damned for belittling human life. She is enamored with dogs. I wouldn't be surprised if she did sexual things with them.

Sick, true. She is sick in the head for behaving this way.

Enough about her. I humor her into believing I still love her. Part of me does but not the part that regulates my physicality.

The Shock came at work with a girl named Cat nearly exposed herself to me, apparently to shock me. She did a fine job of that because that ruffled my feathers big time. Cat is a cute Black girl that works in the front of the store. She is the polar opposite of Jen in personality.

If she becomes my sex friend, then Jen has only herself to blame.

Pull your head out of your ass, dear one, and realize, you are not getting younger.

I do not pressure anyone to do anything. I only accept gifts given freely.

I don't know. It is anxiety driven by my prostatic pain. I must know if I can still do it.

Why doesn't Jen understand this?

It is a question that may cost her a lifelong love and companion.

Aborted M-Thing

This is a personal post. I write it beause understanding me is the goal of my blogs.

I am in a sexless relationship with Jen. This is because in her sometimes vapid mind, belief in marriage is something requisite to even sharing nakedness let alone a poke party.

I am a human male. I feel like the ghost I am in my web persona. My anxiety plays a huge role in that. I take a medicine (the Celexa-clone) that does have effects in the build-up and time of release in the male orgasm.

I can regulate how much time it takes but when I am just doing the m-thing for myself, I like it to go by quickly. The m-thing is a regulator. It purges hormones, settles my sometimes achy urinary system, and hey, it feels good.

In sex, in my experience, I can go a long time before climax. I do not know why that is, but likely because my troublesome prostate doesn't immediately react to things.

Betroubled with prostatitis makes it feel like a vise is pinching on the base of my urinary bladder. This leads to the pain.

The pain limits me to the m-thing maybe 3 times in a week, but sometimes not even that.

I have done the m-thing for most of my adult life, maybe not for a good reason, because sometimes, I was bored years ago. Not anymore.

I call it the m-thing because I hate the word 'mastrubation'.

The m-thing is natural, safe and satisfying.

I do advocate it, especially for girls, so maybe they can be safe and not exposed to diseases that upset the delicate balance of the female urogenital tract.

I abort it sometimes. When I am dehydrated, which is often, or when I am distracted by lack of privacy, loud noises or pain.

But tonight was the first time I aborted it because it is too cold. I have disabled the heat vent in my room because the heat dried out my skin. It is 31 outside now.

Come on, I mean, this is the rural wasteland, where 100 is just another day.

I should mention, all of my skin dries out, even the thing involved in the m-thing.

I will go take a shower, yay for shea butter, and maybe tomorrow. I am off from the cesspit. Maybe I can do my X-Mas shopping, because I couldn't afford it before now.

Arthelius never had to do the m-thing. I mean, hey, he used the Force to get into a lucky female's panties. Probably it's why he's a ghost now, you think?

LOL.

If you don't like this, sorry, this is my blog. What do you expect from a guy with a frigid gf?

Manic Feeling

I do get manic at times. This usually comes if I do not take my Celexa-clone. I have gone without it for 2 and a half days. This is the fault of the wm pharmacy I use. It was 'out' of it. How does a pharmacy run out of a such helpful and needed medication??

I am trying to write a story but I can't concentrate on it. I feel sleepy but I'm not sleepy.

I fear the upcoming days as it will be unrelentlessly sunny. UV streaming down and scorching the skins of pasty white people like me. I will simply go mad and get into the car and drive home without clocking out if I burn again in the sun.

I was unable to find a suitable hat to wear. I feel stupid wearing a hat. I have never had to wear a hat in any job I've had. Of course, I never worked outside like a common laborer. That means no disrepect to those who do agriculture or work on the highway. It's just I'm too stupid to do anything like that.

I wish I was Arthelius for real. He has no trouble getting love, or doing good, or being loved.

You don't see a message from my girlfriend on here. She never reads anything I write. That is hurtful and I tell her but she doesn't care. She doesn't care much about me at all. Why can't I just forget about her? I can't. If she doesn't love me, I love her.

It doesn't do much good.

My stupid body is in the general decline of life. I am 32 years old. While some say, "why, that's young..." It is not true. My prostatitis has taught me that I'm not much of a male at all.

Jen could change that. She won't even consider it.

It upsets me into thinking she doesn't love me. Is that wrong? Tell me, what relationship that is a year and four months old remains the same as it was when it began?

Mania does that to me. It is hard to get by on days like that. I just watch tv. That isn't good either.

I feel even more violated than I did when Dr. L did the DRE on me. Dr. E's DRE hurt a lot more. I don't fault Dr. E. He is older and more experienced than Dr. L. He is likely used to men who don't want a finger in their tail hole. I am like them. I DO NOT like it in the least.

And now, on Tuesday next, my rest day, I have to get a sonogram of my troublesome left testicle. What will that be like? Trust my peeny to embarrass me. It almost did with Dr. E.

This KY Yours and Mine thing. Grrrr. I first saw it in a display in the local Walgreens. Now tv commercials for it. If sex is such a basic part of human life, why does Jen seem oblivious to its benefits and resists any thought of it? And I thought I had problems. At least I do the m-thing and admit to it.

I'll be lucky if I don't hurt myself before the Celexa-clone reasserts its protection.